Текст книги "William Shakespeare: The Complete Works 2nd Edition"

Автор книги: William Shakespeare

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Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil

Are empty trunks o’er-flourished by the devil.

FIRST OFFICER

The man grows mad, away with him. Come, come, sir.

ANTONIO Lead me on.

Exit with Officers

VIOLA (aside)

Methinks his words do from such passion fly

That he believes himself. So do not I.

Prove true, imagination, O prove true,

That I, dear brother, be now ta’en for you!

SIR TOBY Come hither, knight. Come hither, Fabian. We’ll whisper o’er a couplet or two of most sage saws.

They stand aside

VIOLA

He named Sebastian. I my brother know

Yet living in my glass. Even such and so

In favour was my brother, and he went

Still in this fashion, colour, ornament,

For him I imitate. O, if it prove,

Tempests are kind, and salt waves fresh in love! Exit

SIR TOBY (to Sir Andrew) A very dishonest, paltry boy, and more a coward than a hare. His dishonesty appears in leaving his friend here in necessity, and denying him; and for his cowardship, ask Fabian.

FABIAN A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.

SIR ANDREW ’Slid, I’ll after him again, and beat him.

SIR TOBY Do, cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.

SIR ANDREW An I do not—

Exit

FABIAN Come, let’s see the event.

SIR TOBY I dare lay any money ’twill be nothing yet.

Exeunt

4.1 Enter Sebastian and Feste, the clown

FESTE Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you?

SEBASTIAN

Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow,

Let me be clear of thee.

FESTE Well held out, i’faith! No, I do not know you, nor I am not sent to you by my lady to bid you come speak with her, nor your name is not Master Cesario, nor this is not my nose, neither. Nothing that is so, is so.

SEBASTIAN

I prithee vent thy folly somewhere else,

Thou know’st not me.

FESTE Vent my folly! He has heard that word of some great man, and now applies it to a fool. Vent my folly—I am afraid this great lubber the world will prove a cockney. I prithee now ungird thy strangeness, and tell me what I shall ‘vent’ to my lady? Shall I ‘vent’ to her that thou art coming?

SEBASTIAN

I prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me.

There’s money for thee. If you tarry longer

I shall give worse payment.

FESTE By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men that give fools money get themselves a good report, after fourteen years’ purchase.

Enter Sir Andrew, Sir Toby, and Fabian

SIR ANDREW (to Sebastian) Now, sir, have I met you again?

(Striking him) There’s for you.

SEBASTIAN [striking Sir Andrew with his dagger]

Why, there’s for thee, and there, and there.

Are all the people mad?

SIR TOBY (to Sebastian, holding him back) Hold, sir, or I’ll throw your dagger o’er the house.

FESTE This will I tell my lady straight, I would not be in some of your coats for twopence. Exit

SIR TOBY Come on, sir, hold.

SIR ANDREW Nay, let him alone, I’ll go another way to work with him. I’ll have an action of battery against him if there be any law in Illyria. Though I struck him first, yet it’s no matter for that.

SEBASTIAN Let go thy hand.

SIR TOBY Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young soldier, put up your iron. You are well fleshed. Come on.

SEBASTIAN (freeing himself)

I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now?

If thou dar’st tempt me further, draw thy sword.

SIR TOBY What, what? Nay then, I must have an ounce or two of this malapert blood from you.

Sir Toby and Sebastian draw their swords.

Enter Olivia

OLIVIA

Hold, Toby, on thy life I charge thee hold.

SIR TOBY Madam.

OLIVIA

Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,

Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,

Where manners ne’er were preached—out of my sight! Be not offended, dear Cesario.

(To Sir Toby) Rudesby, be gone.

Exeunt Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, and Fabian

I prithee, gentle friend,

Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion sway

In this uncivil and unjust extent

Against thy peace. Go with me to my house,

And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks

This ruffian hath botched up, that thou thereby

Mayst smile at this. Thou shalt not choose but go.

Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me,

He started one poor heart of mine in thee.

SEBASTIAN

What relish is in this? How runs the stream?

Or I am mad, or else this is a dream.

Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep.

If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep.

OLIVIA

Nay, come, I prithee, would thou’dst be ruled by me.

SEBASTIAN

Madam, I will.

OLIVIA

O, say so, and so be.

Exeunt

4.2 Enter Maria carrying a gown and false beard, and Feste, the clown

MARIA Nay, I prithee put on this gown and this beard, make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst. Exit

FESTE Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in’t, and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown.

He disguises himself

I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student, but to be said ‘an honest man and a good housekeeper’ goes as fairly as to say ‘a careful man and a great scholar’. The competitors enter.

Enter Sir Toby and Maria

SIR TOBY Jove bless thee, Master Parson.

FESTE Bonos dies, Sir Toby, for, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, ‘That that is, is.’ So I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is ‘that’ but ‘that’, and ‘is’ but ‘is’?

SIR TOBY To him, Sir Topas.

FESTE What ho, I say, peace in this prison.

SIR TOBY The knave counterfeits well—a good knave.

Malvolio within

MALVOLIO Who calls there?

FESTE Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.

MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

FESTE Out, hyperbolical fiend, how vexest thou this man! Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

SIR TOBY Well said, Master Parson.

MALVOLIO Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad. They have laid me here in hideous darkness.

FESTE Fie, thou dishonest Satan—I call thee by the most modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Sayst thou that house is dark?

MALVOLIO As hell, Sir Topas.

FESTE Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony, and yet complainest thou of obstruction?

MALVOLIO I am not mad, Sir Topas; I say to you this house is dark.

FESTE Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.

MALVOLIO I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are. Make the trial of it in any constant question.

FESTE What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wildfowl?

MALVOLIO That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

FESTE What thinkest thou of his opinion?

MALVOLIO I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

FESTE Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou shalt hold th’opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

SIR TOBY My most exquisite Sir Topas.

FESTE Nay, I am for all waters.

MARIA Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown, he sees thee not.

SIR TOBY (to Feste) To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou findest him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. ⌈To Maria⌉ Come by and by to my chamber.

Exit ⌈With Maria⌉

FESTE (sings)

‘Hey Robin, jolly Robin,

Tell me how thy lady does.’

MALVOLIO Fool!

FESTE ‘My lady is unkind, pardie.’

MALVOLIO Fooll

FESTE ‘Alas, why is she so?’

MALVOLIO Fool, I say!

FESTE ‘She loves another.’

Who calls, ha?

MALVOLIO Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for’t.

FESTE Master Malvolio?

MALVOLIO Ay, good fool.

FESTE Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

MALVOLIO Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused. I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

FESTE But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool.

MALVOLIO They have here propertied me, keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits.

FESTE Advise you what you say, the minister is here. (As Sir Topas) Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore. Endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble-babble.

MALVOLIO Sir Topas.

FESTE (as Sir Topas) Maintain no words with him, good fellow. (As himself) Who I, sir? Not I, sir. God b’wi’ you, good Sir Topas. (As Sir Topas) Marry, amen. (As himself) I will, sir, I will.

MALVOLIO Fool, fool, fool, I say.

FESTE Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for speaking to you.

MALVOLIO Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria. no

FESTE Well-a-day that you were, sir.

MALVOLIO By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light, and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.

FESTE I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed, or do you but counterfeit?

MALVOLIO Believe me, I am not, I tell thee true.

FESTE Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains.

I will fetch you light, and paper, and ink.

MALVOLIO Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree. I prithee, be gone.

FESTE

I am gone, sir,

And anon, sir,

I’ll be with you again,

In a trice,

Like to the old Vice,

Your need to sustain,

Who with dagger of lath

In his rage and his wrath

Cries ‘Aha,’ to the devil,

Like a mad lad,

‘Pare thy nails, dad,

Adieu, goodman devil.’ Exit

4.3 Enter Sebastian

SEBASTIAN

This is the air, that is the glorious sun.

This pearl she gave me, I do feel’t and see‘t,

And though ’tis wonder that enwraps me thus,

Yet ‘tis not madness. Where’s Antonio then?

I could not find him at the Elephant,

Yet there he was, and there I found this credit,

That he did range the town to seek me out.

His counsel now might do me golden service,

For though my soul disputes well with my sense

That this may be some error but no madness,

Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune

So far exceed all instance, all discourse,

That I am ready to distrust mine eyes

And wrangle with my reason that persuades me

To any other trust but that I am mad,

Or else the lady’s mad. Yet if ’twere so

She could not sway her house, command her

followers,

Take and give back affairs and their dispatch

With such a smooth, discreet, and stable bearing

As I perceive she does. There’s something in’t

That is deceivable. But here the lady comes.

Enter Olivia and a Priest

OLIVIA

Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well

Now go with me, and with this holy man,

Into the chantry by. There before him,

And underneath that consecrated roof,

Plight me the full assurance of your faith,

That my most jealous and too doubtful soul

May live at peace. He shall conceal it

Whiles you are willing it shall come to note,

What time we will our celebration keep

According to my birth. What do you say?

SEBASTIAN

I’ll follow this good man, and go with you,

And having sworn truth, ever will be true.

OLIVIA

Then lead the way, good father, and heavens so shine

That they may fairly note this act of mine.

Exeunt

5.1 Enter Feste the clown and Fabian

FABIAN Now, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.

FESTE Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.

FABIAN Anything.

FESTE Do not desire to see this letter.

FABIAN This is to give a dog, and in recompense desire my dog again.

Enter the Duke, Viola as Cesario, Curio, and lords

ORSINO

Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?

FESTE Ay, sir, we are some of her trappings.

ORSINO

I know thee well. How dost thou, my good fellow? FESTE Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse for my friends.

ORSINO

Just the contrary—the better for thy friends.

FESTE No, sir, the worse.

ORSINO How can that be?

FESTE Marry, sir, they praise me, and make an ass of me. Now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass, so that by my foes, sir, I profit in the knowledge of myself, and by my friends I am abused; so that, conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives make your two affirmatives, why then the worse for my friends and the better for my foes.

ORSINO Why, this is excellent.

FESTE By my troth, sir, no, though it please you to be one of my friends.

ORSINO (giving money) Thou shalt not be the worse for me. There’s gold.

FESTE But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would you could make it another.

ORSINO O, you give me ill counsel.

FESTE Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once, and let your flesh and blood obey it.

ORSINO Well, I will be so much a sinner to be a double-dealer. (Giving money) There’s another.

FESTE Primo, secundo, tertio is a good play, and the old saying is ‘The third pays for all’. The triplex, sir, is a good tripping measure, or the bells of Saint Bennet, sir, may put you in mind—‘one, two, three’.

ORSINO You can fool no more money out of me at this throw. If you will let your lady know I am here to speak with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake my bounty further.

FESTE Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come again. I go, sir, but I would not have you to think that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness. But as you say, sir, let your bounty take a nap, I will awake it anon.

Exit

Enter Antonio and Officers

VIOLA

Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.

ORSINO

That face of his I do remember well,

Yet when I saw it last it was besmeared

As black as Vulcan in the smoke of war.

A baubling vessel was he captain of,

For shallow draught and bulk unprizable,

With which such scatheful grapple did he make

With the most noble bottom of our fleet

That very envy and the tongue of loss

Cried fame and honour on him. What’s the matter?

FIRST OFFICER

Orsino, this is that Antonio

That took the Phoenix and her freight from Candy,

And this is he that did the Tiger board

When your young nephew Titus lost his leg.

Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state,

In private brabble did we apprehend him.

VIOLA

He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side,

But in conclusion put strange speech upon me.

I know not what ’twas but distraction.

ORSINO (to Antonio)

Notable pirate, thou salt-water thief,

What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies

Whom thou in terms so bloody and so dear

Hast made thine enemies?

ANTONIO

Orsino, noble sir,

Be pleased that I shake off these names you give me.

Antonio never yet was thief or pirate,

Though, I confess, on base and ground enough

Orsino’s enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither.

That most ingrateful boy there by your side

From the rude sea’s enraged and foamy mouth

Did I redeem. A wreck past hope he was.

His life I gave him, and did thereto add

My love without retention or restraint,

All his in dedication. For his sake

Did I expose myself, pure for his love,

Into the danger of this adverse town,

Drew to defend him when he was beset,

Where being apprehended, his false cunning—

Not meaning to partake with me in danger—

Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance,

And grew a twenty years’ removed thing

While one would wink, denied me mine own purse,

Which I had recommended to his use

Not half an hour before.

VIOLA How can this be?

ORSINO When came he to this town?

ANTONIO

Today, my lord, and for three months before,

No int’rim, not a minute’s vacancy,

Both day and night did we keep company.

Enter Olivia and attendants

ORSINO

Here comes the Countess. Now heaven walks on

earth.

But for thee, fellow—fellow, thy words are madness.

Three months this youth hath tended upon me.

But more of that anon. Take him aside.

OLIVIA

What would my lord, but that he may not have,

Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?

Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.

VIOLA Madam—

ORSINO Gracious Olivia—

OLIVIA

What do you say, Cesario? Good my lord—

VIOLA

My lord would speak, my duty hushes me.

OLIVIA

If it be aught to the old tune, my lord,

It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear

As howling after music.

ORSINO Still so cruel?

OLIVIA Still so constant, lord.

ORSINO

What, to perverseness? You uncivil lady,

To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars

My soul the faithfull‘st off’rings hath breathed out

That e’er devotion tendered—what shall I do?

OLIVIA

Even what it please my lord that shall become him.

ORSINO

Why should I not, had I the heart to do it,

Like to th’ Egyptian thief, at point of death

Kill what I love—a savage jealousy

That sometime savours nobly. But hear me this:

Since you to non-regardance cast my faith,

And that I partly know the instrument

That screws me from my true place in your favour,

Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still.

But this your minion, whom I know you love,

And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender dearly,

Him will I tear out of that cruel eye

Where he sits crowned in his master’s spite.

(To Viola) Come, boy, with me. My thoughts are ripe

in mischief.

I’ll sacrifice the lamb that I do love

To spite a raven’s heart within a dove.

VIOLA

And I most jocund, apt, and willingly

To do you rest a thousand deaths would die.

OLIVIA

Where goes Cesario?

VIOLA

After him I love

More than I love these eyes, more than my life,

More by all mores than e’er I shall love wife.

If I do feign, you witnesses above,

Punish my life for tainting of my love.

OLIVIA

Ay me detested, how am I beguiled!

VIOLA

Who does beguile you? Who does do you wrong?

OLIVIA

Hast thou forgot thyself? Is it so long?

Call forth the holy father. Exit an attendant

ORSINO (to Viola)

Come, away.

OLIVIA

Whither, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay.

ORSINO

Husband?

OLIVIA Ay, husband. Can he that deny?

ORSINO (to Viola)

Her husband, sirrah?

VIOLA

No, my lord, not I.

OLIVIA

Alas, it is the baseness of thy fear

That makes thee strangle thy propriety.

Fear not, Cesario, take thy fortunes up,

Be that thou know‘st thou art, and then thou art

As great as that thou fear’st.

Enter the Priest

O welcome, father.

Father, I charge thee by thy reverence

Here to unfold—though lately we intended

To keep in darkness what occasion now

Reveals before ’tis ripe—what thou dost know

Hath newly passed between this youth and me.

PRIEST

A contract of eternal bond of love,

Confirmed by mutual joinder of your hands,

Attested by the holy close of lips,

Strengthened by interchangement of your rings,

And all the ceremony of this compact

Sealed in my function, by my testimony;

Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my grave

I have travelled but two hours.

ORSINO (to Viola)

O thou dissembling cub, what wilt thou be

When time hath sowed a grizzle on thy case?

Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow

That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow?

Farewell, and take her, but direct thy feet

Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.

VIOLA

My lord, I do protest.

OLIVIA

O, do not swear!

Hold little faith, though thou hast too much fear.

Enter Sir Andrew

SIR ANDREW For the love of God, a surgeon—send one presently to Sir Toby.

OLIVIA What’s the matter?

SIR ANDREW He’s broke my head across, and has given Sir Toby a bloody coxcomb, too. For the love of God, your help! I had rather than forty pound I were at home.

OLIVIA Who has done this, Sir Andrew?

SIR ANDREW The Count’s gentleman, one Cesario. We took him for a coward, but he’s the very devil incardinate.

ORSINO My gentleman, Cesario?

SIR ANDREW ’Od’s lifelings, here he is. (To Viola) You broke my head for nothing, and that that I did I was set on to do’t by Sir Toby.

VIOLA

Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you.

You drew your sword upon me without cause,

But I bespake you fair, and hurt you not.

Enter Sir Toby and Feste, the clown

SIR ANDREW If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt you have hurt me. I think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb. Here comes Sir Toby, halting. You shall hear more; but if he had not been in drink he would have tickled you othergates than he did.

ORSINO (to Sir Toby)

How now, gentleman? How is’t with you?

SIR TOBY That’s all one, he’s hurt me, and there’s th’end on’t. (To Feste) Sot, didst see Dick Surgeon, sot?

FESTE O, he’s drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone. His eyes were set at eight i’th’ morning.

SIR TOBY Then he’s a rogue, and a passy-measures pavan.

I hate a drunken rogue.

OLIVIA

Away with him! Who hath made this havoc with them?

SIR ANDREW I’ll help you, Sir Toby, because we’ll be dressed together.

SIR TOBY Will you help—an ass-head, and a coxcomb, and a knave; a thin-faced knave, a gull?

OLIVIA

Get him to bed, and let his hurt be looked to.

Exeunt Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, Feste, and Fabian

Enter Sebastian

SEBASTIAN (to Olivia)

I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman,

But had it been the brother of my blood

I must have done no less with wit and safety.

You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that

I do perceive it hath offended you.

Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows

We made each other but so late ago.

ORSINO

One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons,

A natural perspective, that is and is not.

SEBASTIAN

Antonio! O, my dear Antonio,

How have the hours racked and tortured me

Since I have lost thee!

ANTONIO Sebastian are you?

SEBASTIAN Fear’st thou that, Antonio?

ANTONIO

How have you made division of yourself?

An apple cleft in two is not more twin

Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?

OLIVIA Most wonderfull

SEBASTIAN (seeing Viola)

Do I stand there? I never had a brother,

Nor can there be that deity in my nature

Of here and everywhere. I had a sister,

Whom the blind waves and surges have devoured.

Of charity, what kin are you to me?

What countryman? What name? What parentage?

VIOLA

Of Messaline. Sebastian was my father.

Such a Sebastian was my brother, too.

So went he suited to his watery tomb.

If spirits can assume both form and suit

You come to fright us.

SEBASTIAN A spirit I am indeed,

But am in that dimension grossly clad

Which from the womb I did participate.

Were you a woman, as the rest goes even,

I should my tears let fall upon your cheek

And say ‘Thrice welcome, drowned Viola.’

VIOLA

My father had a mole upon his brow

SEBASTIAN And so had mine.

VIOLA

And died that day when Viola from her birth

Had numbered thirteen years.

SEBASTIAN

O, that record is lively in my soul.

He finished indeed his mortal act

That day that made my sister thirteen years.

VIOLA

If nothing lets to make us happy both

But this my masculine usurped attire,

Do not embrace me till each circumstance

Of place, time, fortune do cohere and jump

That I am Viola, which to confirm

I’ll bring you to a captain in this town

Where lie my maiden weeds, by whose gentle help

I was preserved to serve this noble count.

All the occurrence of my fortune since

Hath been between this lady and this lord.

SEBASTIAN (to Olivia)

So comes it, lady, you have been mistook.

But nature to her bias drew in that.

You would have been contracted to a maid,

Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived.

You are betrothed both to a maid and man.

ORSINO (to Olivia)

Be not amazed. Right noble is his blood.

If this be so, as yet the glass seems true,

I shall have share in this most happy wreck.

(To Viola) Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times

Thou never shouldst love woman like to me.

VIOLA

And all those sayings will I overswear,

And all those swearings keep as true in soul

As doth that orbed continent the fire

That severs day from night.

ORSINO Give me thy hand,

And let me see thee in thy woman’s weeds.

VIOLA

The captain that did bring me first on shore

Hath my maid’s garments. He upon some action

Is now in durance, at Malvolio’s suit,

A gentleman and follower of my lady’s.

OLIVIA

He shall enlarge him. Fetch Malvolio hither—

And yet, alas, now I remember me,

They say, poor gentleman, he’s much distraught.

Enter Feste the clown with a letter, and Fabian

A most extracting frenzy of mine own

From my remembrance clearly banished his.

How does he, sirrah?

FESTE Truly, madam, he holds Beelzebub at the stave’s end as well as a man in his case may do. He’s here writ a letter to you. I should have given’t you today morning. But as a madman’s epistles are no gospels, so it skills not much when they are delivered.

OLIVIA Open’t and read it.

FESTE Look then to be well edified when the fool delivers the madman. (Reads) ‘By the Lord, madam’—

OLIVIA How now, art thou mad?

FESTE No, madam, I do but read madness. An your ladyship will have it as it ought to be you must allow vox.

OLIVIA Prithee, read i’thy right wits.

FESTE So I do, madonna, but to read his right wits is to read thus. Therefore perpend, my princess, and give ear.

OLIVIA (to Fabian) Read it you, sirrah.

Feste gives the letter to Fabian

FABIAN (reads) ‘By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and the world shall know it. Though you have put me into darkness and given your drunken cousin rule over me, yet have I the benefit of my senses as well as your ladyship. I have your own letter that induced me to the semblance I put on, with the which I doubt not but to do myself much right or you much shame. Think of me as you please. I leave my duty a little unthought of, and speak out of my injury.

The madly-used Malvolio.’

OLIVIA Did he write this?

FESTE Ay, madam.

ORSINO

This savours not much of distraction.

OLIVIA

See him delivered, Fabian, bring him hither.

My lord, so please you—these things further thought

on—

To think me as well a sister as a wife,

One day shall crown th‘alliance on’t, so please you,

Here at my house and at my proper cost.

ORSINO

Madam, I am most apt t’embrace your offer.

(To Viola) Your master quits you, and for your service

done him

So much against the mettle of your sex,

So far beneath your soft and tender breeding,

And since you called me master for so long,

Here is my hand. You shall from this time be

Your master’s mistress.

OLIVIA (to Viola) A sister, you are she.

Enter Malvolio

ORSINO

Is this the madman?

OLIVIA Ay, my lord, this same.

How now, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO Madam, you have done me wrong,

Notorious wrong.

OLIVIA Have I, Malvolio? No.

MALVOLIO (showing a letter)

Lady, you have. Pray you peruse that letter.

You must not now deny it is your hand.

Write from it if you can, in hand or phrase,

Or say ‘tis not your seal, not your invention.

You can say none of this. Well, grant it then,

And tell me in the modesty of honour

Why you have given me such clear lights of favour,

Bade me come smiling and cross-gartered to you,

To put on yellow stockings, and to frown

Upon Sir Toby and the lighter people,

And acting this in an obedient hope,

Why have you suffered me to be imprisoned,

Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest,

And made the most notorious geck and gull

That e’er invention played on? Tell me why?

OLIVIA

Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing,

Though I confess much like the character,

But out of question, ‘tis Maria’s hand.

And now I do bethink me, it was she

First told me thou wast mad; then cam’st in smiling,

And in such forms which here were presupposed

Upon thee in the letter. Prithee be content;

This practice hath most shrewdly passed upon thee,

But when we know the grounds and authors of it

Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge

Of thine own cause.

FABIAN Good madam, hear me speak,

And let no quarrel nor no brawl to come

Taint the condition of this present hour,

Which I have wondered at. In hope it shall not,

Most freely I confess myself and Toby

Set this device against Malvolio here

Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts

We had conceived against him. Maria writ

The letter, at Sir Toby’s great importance,

In recompense whereof he hath married her.

How with a sportful malice it was followed

May rather pluck on laughter than revenge

If that the injuries be justly weighed

That have on both sides passed.

OLIVIA (to Malvolio)

Alas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee!

FESTE Why, ‘Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrown upon them.’ I was one, sir, in this interlude, one Sir Topas, sir; but that’s all one. ‘By the Lord, fool, I am not mad’—but do you remember, ‘Madam, why laugh you at such a barren rascal, an you smile not, he’s gagged’—and thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.

MALVOLIO I’ll be revenged on the whole pack of you. Exit

OLIVIA

He hath been most notoriously abused.

ORSINO

Pursue him, and entreat him to a peace.

He hath not told us of the captain yet.

⌈Exit one or more⌉

When that is known, and golden time convents,

A solemn combination shall be made

Of our dear souls. Meantime, sweet sister,

We will not part from hence. Cesario, come—

For so you shall be while you are a man;

But when in other habits you are seen,

Orsino’s mistress, and his fancy’s queen.

Exeunt all but Feste

FESTE (sings)

When that I was and a little tiny boy,

With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,

A foolish thing was but a toy,

For the rain it raineth every day.

But when I came to man’s estate,

With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,

’Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate,

For the rain it raineth every day.

But when I came, alas, to wive,

With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,

By swaggering could I never thrive,

For the rain it raineth every day.

But when I came unto my beds,

With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,

With tosspots still had drunken heads,

For the rain it raineth every day.

A great while ago the world begun,

With hey ho, the wind and the rain,

But that’s all one, our play is done,

And we’ll strive to please you every day.

Exit