Текст книги "Dhalgren"

Автор книги: Samuel R. Delany

Соавторы: Samuel R. Delany
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Текущая страница: 42 (всего у книги 60 страниц)

Kid, by the door, with folded arms, shrugged.

“What do you do, then?”

“I don’t know,” Eddy said. “We make runs.”

“What’s that?”

“You know…” Eddy looked at Kid. “Kid is the boss here; he takes us out on runs.”

“What do you do on a…run?”

“The guys all get together and we…go some place, check it out; get stuff, stuff we want, stuff we’d like to have.”

“Like food?”

“Not food! You don’t make food runs if you’re a scorpion, unless things have really gotten up tight. You go for other things…”

“Like what?”

“Stuff.”

“And bring it back here?”

“If it’s something we want.”

“You don’t look like you have very much here…?” June said.

“We don’t need much.”

“Then what do you do on these runs?”

“Well, we…” Eddy shrugged.

“We break things,” Kid said. “Mainly. And if there’re people around who don’t like it, we rough them up.”

“Is that what you do?” June asked Eddy.

“Sometimes. Yeah, sometimes we do that. But most of the places we go, there isn’t anybody there. The people you do find, they’re so scared they usually split.” He looked as though he was trying to remember something. “Oh, yeah. We keep things quiet if somebody has a problem and comes to us. That doesn’t happen too much. People are scared of us. So they don’t act up.”

“That’s what other people call our protection business,” Kid explained. “Only we don’t protect anybody.”

“Yeah,” Eddy attested.

“But why…?”

“We’d do something else,” Kid said, “if there was something else to do—”

“—’Cause it’s…”Eddy began. “Look, I’m a scorpion and I like being a scorpion. It’s better than anything else I’ve done. It’s a tough, dangerous world out there, and we gotta survive…you know? People are scared of us, and maybe they shouldn’t be. But it makes it easier. To survive. The reason I’m a scorpion is because when a bunch of us walk down a street, and somebody sees us, they think—” Eddy snapped his fingers—“yeah. We come along and we get the first pick of whatever is there; and if anybody tries to keep it from us, they better watch out. We’re together, you see? For one another. If one scorpion gets in trouble, then the nest comes down and swarms! If something comes at the nest, then you’ll have scorpions from all over. The guys here don’t care who you are, where you come from, or what you do; they’re for you…like a family. When you’re a scorpion, you know you’re part of something that’s important, that means something, that makes people stop, and then think…You know…?”

In the silence, June looked confused.

“Is that why you’re a scorpion?” Kid stood in the doorway and shook his head. “Shit…Hey!”

Her eyes snapped at him—

“You haven’t found George yet?”

–and widened; her head vibrated, rather than shook in negation.

“Keep looking.” Kid tried to smile, succeeded, and found the effort honest. “You will.”

Walking down the hall, Kid pondered the probability that Eddy would leave with June. That would be pretty good. He looked in the back room to check Dollar. He was in the same position (as was everyone else) breathing roughly and evenly.

In the loft room, Kid, with his bare toes, nudged Raven’s knee. Raven was sitting crosslegged before a pile of bolts and screws. “You can go run the water in the sink now.”

“Huh?” Raven looked up. “Oh yeah, in a second.”

Kid kicked the knee again with his boot toe. “Will you go wash out the fuckin’ sink!”

“Okay, okay. It ain’t gonna smell no more in another minute—!”

“I’m not worried about the fuckin’ smell. Just go on.” Which was true.

“Okay!” Raven got up and left the room.

In sudden fury at the brother and sister, Kid wanted their talk interrupted and both of them out.

He climbed up the notched beam into the loft. Denny, his feet up on the wall, glanced from the Escher propped on his chest, then turned another page. Kid sat with his back against the wall. “Hey?”

“What?”

“Have I taken you guys on any runs, yet?”

“You forgetting things again?”

“You tell me if I have or not and I’ll tell you.”

“Just that one.”

“When?”

“You don’t remember?”

“Tell me, cocksucker!”

“When the…sun came up, and you ran everybody over to that house. Where Dollar killed Wally. That’s the only run you made, so far. I mean you didn’t plan it out like a run or anything. But that’s all.”

“Oh.”

“You remember that?”

“I remember.”

“Mmm.” Denny nodded and went back to his book.

“I guess I’m going to have to make another one soon.”

“Mmm,” Denny said again, but did not look up.

Why do we make runs? Kid thought: Because if we didn’t, we’d be a little more crazy than we are now.

Eddy passed the door.

“Hey, Eddy?”

Eddy stopped. “What?”

“She gone?”

Eddy let out a breath. “Yeah.”

“And you’re gonna stay here?”

“Man,” Eddy said, “I can’t do anything for them. And she’s…Well—”

“I know,” Kid said. “Hey, Eddy…don’t make anymore speeches. You’re a really bad press agent.”

“Huh?” Eddy stepped into the room. “Oh…yeah. Uh…Kid?”

Kid heard bolts roll across the floor. “Yeah?”

“Well…‘Eddy’, see, that’s what my sister and family call me. But the guys around here, they all call me Tarzan.”

“Tarzan?” It was a question, but with a lowering, not a rising, inflection.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Eddy turned to leave.

“Hey, Tarzan?”

“What?”

“Sorry about your family.”

Eddy smiled, briefly and weakly. “Thanks.” He left.

Raven came in and said, “Aw, shit! Somebody kicked my fuckin’ screws all over the God-damn floor!” He sucked his teeth, squatted, and, out of sight from the edge of the loft, began to roll them back together.

I come. I go. Rather than going, though, I’ll stay. This cage seems too easy to flee. Is that what keeps us here? To leave the city: That is the thought that makes me weak in the small of the back and watery in the mind, so much so that it is easier not to remember it once the thought is past. Waiting for a word to push on these walls, with its brass hiss, there is no way to begin. Adjusting the frame to accommodate the day, I am swollen with terror at my inability to distinguish, at any action, what differentiates time after from time before.

“Hi, what are you putting together?” she asked.

“Just a piece of junk—” Raven said.

Denny clapped Escher closed, and rolled to lean over the edge. “Hey! Lanya!”

“Hi, babes. Is Kid up there?”

“Yeah, he’s right here.”

“Room for me?” Then her head came over the loft’s edge, and frowned. “…This one is harder to climb than the ladder on the other one.”

Kid pushed up to his knees to grab her shoulder. Denny was already at the edge to help.

“Hey, I think I can do it more easily myself. Let’s see…” She scrunched her features. “Um…No, please. I’ll get it.” She pushed over the edge, almost slipping once. “There.” She took a breath. “Now all I have to worry about is getting down.”

“You came down to see us!”

“Sure,” she told Denny, who now put both hands on her knee. “I told you I would, didn’t I?” She took Kid’s hand, and one of Denny’s. “Tak told me you saw what’s going to be my dress.” She was wearing jeans and a tan blouse. “Just as well if it isn’t too much of a surprise. Have you decided which shirt you’re going to wear, Denny?”

“I thought,” Denny said, “I could bring all three and sort of change every once in a while.”

“What are you wearing?”

“What I have on,” Kid said.

Lanya thought a minute. “Wash the pants first. Give them to me and I’ll run them through the machine. We have one that works in the basement of our building.”

“I only have one pair,” Kid said.

Lanya laughed, let go of their hands, and crawled to the back of the bed.

“I’ll shave, though.”

“I thought you decided to grow a beard.”

Raven, from the floor, called up, “I got a razor if you want to use it. Everybody else does.”

“I probably already have,” Kid said. “Thanks.”

“I taught all morning and afternoon,” Lanya said. “What did you do?”

Denny shrugged. “Nothin’. We haven’t been doin’ too much of anything. We don’t ever do nothin’ around here.” Denny got his boot out from under him and sat back very close to the edge. “Dollar tried to break open Copperhead’s skull with a plank, and Kid jumped in and broke it up—”

“—little bastard—” Kid flexed his shoulder, which still hurt—“tried to chew my arm off—”

“—and so we put him out, but Copperhead and Glass and Spitt went out and got him anyway. He’s inside, pretty beat up.”

“We don’t do too much here,” Kid said. “Never guess who came to visit. She left just before you got here.”

“Who?”

“June Richards.”

“What on earth for?”

“Her brother’s here.”

“I thought he fell down an elevator shaft and broke his neck.”

Denny said, “Was that her brother?”

“Her other brother,” Kid said. Then to Denny. “This brother’s Tarzan.”

“Yeah, I was just here. Remember?”

“Oh.”

“What did she want?”

“Family problems.”

“I thought you’d had enough of that family’s problems.”

“So did I.” Kid leaned forward and put his head in Lanya’s lap. “What do you think of our new nest here?”

“Shall I be brutal?”

“You don’t like it, huh?” Denny moved over to sit next to her. “I think it’s pretty neat. It’s a lot better than the other one.”

“On my way from the front door, to the bathroom, and then back to here, I must have wondered seven distinct times how you could stand it!”

“God damn,” Kid said, “we roughed it for how long—?”

“That was outdoors, in the open air! And we spent most of our time by ourselves, away from other people anyway.”

“I don’t think she likes it here,” Denny said, letting his shoulders drop. “Don’t you think it’s nicer than the other place? We got a mattress…”

“You have fifty people in a space that won’t hold—”

“Twenty,” Kid said. “Maybe twenty-five.”

“—twenty-eight that I counted just now between the front steps, the kitchen, the living room, the service porch, the two back rooms—in a space that would be crowded with five or six! There is a pile of shit—human, I assume—by the side of the back steps, which is understandable considering you only have one bathroom. Which I was in, by the way, and that’s pretty unbelievable. How do you get these people fed? I mean, I was in the kitchen!”

“We eat pretty well,” Denny said. “I think we eat pretty well.”

“The lack of privacy would drive me up the wall!”

“You know,” Kid said, “that’s a funny thing about privacy. If there’re two or three people in a room, it’s really hard to be by yourself. If there’re nine or ten, especially if you’re all living together, if you want to be alone, all you have to do is think I want to be alone and everybody else has somebody to pay attention to, and you’re alone. I had two roommates in an apartment my first year at Columbia; we had four rooms and it was really impossible. A couple of years later I spent December, January, February and March in three rooms on East Second Street in New York with about ten guys and ten chicks. Cold as a motherfucker, and we were in there all day. All we did is eat, ball, and deal dope: Nicest time of my life.”

“Really?” Then she said, “If it was, how did it compare to this?”

“This is not the nicest time in my life. But there’ve been others a hell of a lot worse.”

“We got all sorts of good stuff to eat,” Denny said. “You hungry? I bet I can fix some stuff up for you?”

“Thanks, babes. But I just finished lunch.”

“We were a lot cleaner there,” Kid said, “maybe because there were a few more girls around.”

“Male chauvinist pig,” Lanya said dryly. “Import a lot of slave labor to wash the dishes and—”

“I’m not a male chauvinist pig,” Kid said. “I’m a commie faggot pervert.”

“There’s nothing to stop you from being both.”

“Everybody cleaned. Just like here. We made people take their shoes off when they came in the door. New York slush. It’s just nice with more girls.”

“You’re preaching. That all may be, but it’s not here. I can just manage to resist inviting you to come live with me and be my loves.”

“I guess with the place you got, you wouldn’t want to come live here,” Denny said. “But you could stay for a while.”

Raven suddenly stuck his bushy top-knot over the edges. “Hey, Lady, if they don’t want to come live with you, I’d be glad to. I’m clean, I’m friendly. I do a lot of the cooking around here, too; I’m a pretty good lay—”

“Get the fuck out of here, cocksucker!” Kid said loudly, leaning forward.

“Sure.” The top-knot disappeared. “Thought I’d make the offer.”

“And don’t let anybody else up here. We’re busy, huh?”

“Okay,” from below. Bolts and nuts rattled.

“Oh, there’re other reasons I don’t move you in.”

“I guess Madame Brown wouldn’t like it,” Denny said.

“She might not,” Lanya said. “But I wasn’t thinking of that. I just feel I need a place to retreat. Where I can go lick my wounds; when I get wounded.”

“Cool,” Kid said.

“Are you afraid of us?” Denny took his hand, which had been between her thighs, away.

“Yes.” She took his hand and put it back. “But you keep things interesting. I don’t know why I should be…oh, nonsense! I can think of four hundred reasons why I should be—or reasons why other people would say I should be. My own? I suppose I’m doing it to find out what they are. Pretty defeatist, huh? Okay, I’m just doing it to find out.”

“I guess,” Denny said, “it’s pretty—”

“…he up there?” someone said.

“He’s busy. You can’t go up there.”

“I only want to talk with him a minute!”

“I said he’s busy, man. You can’t—”

“Look, lover, I can see the tops of their heads from here so he can’t be doing anything that complicated.”

Kid went over to the loft edge. “Bunny?”

“Now, you see—” Bunny came forward—“he hasn’t even taken off his clothes. Hi there! It’s—ta-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta, ta!—me.” Bunny’s arms extended straight up, fell; with them fell Bunny’s smile. “You’re supposed to be in charge here, Kid. Have you seen Pepper?”

“Yeah, he’s been around.”

“Hi, Bunny.” Lanya leaned over the edge. So did Denny.

“Ah-ah-ah!” Bunny shook a finger at her. “You know what they say, dear; one at a time, and slowly. Hello.” That was to Denny, who was grinning. “What a charming overbite you have,” and looked back at Kid: “I approve. You all can’t be about to do what I thought you were. Can I come up and sit a spell?”

“We probably were,” Lanya said. “But come on.”

Bunny raised a platinum brow, forehead wrinkling—or crumpling. “I don’t understand these modern relationships. Beneath my glittering exterior, I’m just a sweet, old-fashioned girl. No offense, dear,” and nodded at Lanya. “Now—How am I supposed to negotiate this?” Bunny grasped the supporting beam, “Oh, it isn’t that hard.” Head and scrawny throat (in a black jersey turtleneck gone limp), cleared the mattress. “Now how do I get the rest of the way?”

“Here.” Denny kneeled up and grabbed Bunny’s shoulders.

“Oh, watch it, oh watch it, watch it now, I…Oh!” Bunny settled on the loft edge, black jeans bunched a little at the waist. “…Thank you! Well, I must say this is rather cozy. You said Pepper was around? I can’t tell you what a load that lifts from my frazzled and distorted little brain. You know, he was staying at my place; a few days ago he disappeared. Again. Well, you know I worried. He’s managed to take care of himself one way or the other these past twenty-nine years without spending too much of that time in jail—did you know he told me he was once arrested for displaying himself in public? Isn’t that quaint? But I heard you were running a nest and so I thought I’d take a look-see before I made up my mind whether or not to go frantic with grief.”

“He’s around,” Kid said. “But I don’t know if he’s here just now. You want to take him back with you? That’s fine with me.”

Bunny’s pupils rolled up. “Oh, I’d give my eye teeth to have him back.” Bunny’s nails, their pearl polish chipped, strayed on the bright beads that circled the small, dark shoulders. “But then, I’m not going to try and make the poor baby do anything he doesn’t want. It isn’t good for him. He’s got to learn to do what he thinks best. If I go directing his whole life—and you wouldn’t believe how much he wants me to; he practically demands I make everything resembling a decision for him—he’ll never grow up. One has to be responsible to the people one loves, whichever way they let one.” Bunny, hands folded, pale and knobbly, frowned from one to the other. “Three of you? Darlings, that’s going to be so much work! Well, you’ll have each other to lean on in times of crisis.” The frown changed; the hands broke. “You say I can take him away? He hasn’t gotten into any trouble around here, has he?”

“Naw,” Kid said. “But I had to make loud noises at someone trying to give him a rough time.”

“You did?” Bunny pulled back. “Not only do you write beautiful poems, you have a poetic soul! I knew it, I knew it when Pepper first introduced us. That’s why I came; because you had a poetic soul.” Bunny pulled back further. “Tell me. In that fifth poem. On page seventeen. ‘Mab’; now I don’t understand the title, and I don’t know if I want to, but did I detect a fleeting reference to…me by any chance?”

“Yeah,” Kid said. “Probably. I was sitting in the John at Teddy’s when I wrote it. You were outside dancing.”

“Ahhhh!” Bunny exclaimed with clasped hands and lowered eyes. “That’s just the most exciting…Oh!” Suddenly Bunny’s hand swirled up and overhead. “Of course, that’s nothing to you, dear!” It landed on Lanya’s knee. “I mean you’re practically the Dark Lady of the Sonnets.” Now Bunny leaned forward: “Darling, don’t make him miserable.” Bunny’s hand moved on to brush Denny’s shoulder. Denny frowned at it. “You too. Be kind to him.” Bunny turned once more to Kid. “You’re doomed to tragedy, you know. The ones of us, like you and I, with the Ipana smile, we always are. I mean who could possibly love us? And just because our half of the class brushed with Crest; tragedy begins from such tiny things. But that’s why all of us with the ultra-bright grimaces have to be content to end up in Hollywood, as movie stars, hideously famous, fabulously rich, trailing behind us all the heartaches, the broken romances, divorce after divorce—Look at you! Fame and fortune are already glittering up there on South Brisbain. You see? It’s begun, already, you poor thing!”

“Far,” Denny said with gravity, “fucking out.”

Lanya said: “If Bunny’s in your book, you should invite him to the party.”

“Yeah,” Kid said. “You want to come? Most of the guys in the nest are going up. So Pepper’ll probably be along.”

“Oh, I couldn’t!” Bunny’s head dropped, with a small shake. “I couldn’t possibly,” then looked up. “I’d just love to, I really would. But I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Principles.”

“How do you mean?”

“Well.” The space between Bunny’s nose and upper lip got longer. “That astronaut person, Captain Kamp, is going to be there, isn’t he?”

“He’s Calkins’ guest. I guess he will.”

“That’s why.”

Denny said, “Is that the guy you met who’s been on the moon?”

“Um-hm.” Kid nodded.

Lanya said: “I don’t understand, Bunny.”

“Were you there the night the Captain came to the bar?”

“I was,” Kid said.

“Then you know what happened. To me and George.”

“No,” Kid said, “I don’t.”

Bunny took a preparatory breath. “As soon as Teddy realized who that glorified fish-bait was—and don’t you know, someone had to tell her?—she came over to me and suggested that, considering the clientele that evening, it might be better if I didn’t dance!”

“No,” Lanya said. “You’re not serious, are you? Why?”

“He didn’t want to offend the tender sensibilities of our scotch-and-water-sipping national hero. They do not, presumably, have go-go boys on the moon. Teddy figured the shock might be too much.”

“When I came in,” Kid said, “everybody was sitting around having a chamber of commerce meeting.”

“That,” Bunny said, “had not begun when Teddy made his pronouncement to me. And when it did, George happened to be there. They were all sitting around asking questions, and George was very interested. So George asked some. One of them—I was watching from my cage—was whether or not Captain Kamp had ever been to George’s moon. Some people snickered. But George was serious. And I’ll say this for the Captain, he answered it perfectly seriously. I mean, considering the afternoon, it was pretty presumptuous to think any question was that silly. But after a couple more from George, Teddy went over and said something to him. A minute later, George shoved back his chair and walked out.”

“What did he say?” Denny asked.

“I couldn’t hear,” Bunny said. “But I certainly could see the effect. And I know what he said to me.”

“George had just left when I came in,” Kid said. “Tak told me.”

“That sounds so silly,” Lanya exclaimed. “Teddy was always a little…formal; but you make him sound like a member of the Rotary Club.”

“Daughter of the American Revolution! That naugahyde rimmer of rusty Chevrolet nineteen-fifty-two exhaust pipes! I hope the next time she sucks off a number she rips his foreskin in her bridge-work!”—which collapsed Denny on his back with hysterics. “There are two reasons—beside the free hooch—that anyone comes into that roach-infested, crab-breeding collapsed douche bag. One is George. The other is me…Oh, yes! A few have wandered by, hoping they might be lucky enough to get a look at the Kid. But don’t worry, just give that neo-Nazi time and he’ll start asking you to wear a tie next time you come. Mark mother’s wise, wise words.”

“That’s too silly,” Lanya said and made an ugly face.

“If I saw George,” Kid said, “I was going to invite him. I guess he won’t want to go now either?”

“Well,” Bunny said, “George is a slightly larger luminary in our local skies; he can, perhaps, afford to be more generous than I. I, I’m afraid, must guard my honor more jealously. After all, dear, it’s all I have.”

“Next time I saw Kamp,” Kid said “he was down at the blowout George gave for the Reverend Taylor in Jackson.”

“Bunny,” Lanya said, “you are being silly! About the party, I mean. Kid didn’t invite Teddy, he invited you. And for all you know, Kamp came down precisely to see you do your act; Teddy was being stupid and presumptuous. That shouldn’t stop you from having a good time.”

“I will not,” Bunny said, “go up there and perform for those people.”

“Nobody’s going to ask you to dance—”

“You don’t understand, dear heart.” Once more Bunny touched Kid’s knee. “As far as Calkins is concerned, or any of them up there: you, me, or anybody you know just going up to make an appearance, is putting on a performance. Calkins set up that bar, put Teddy in charge of it. The whole place exists only for his amusement or the amusement of his guests the once a month they should feel like coming down to slum. And while I don’t believe for an instant he gave Teddy orders that I wasn’t to be exhibited to his new young man from Mars or whatever, it’s an attitude inevitable in such a chain, whether there’s money involved or not. I simply cannot be a part of it. Negroes and homosexuals, dear! Negroes and homosexuals! Having been lumped together in so many cliches for so long, we are beginning to learn. With women and children—” Bunny nodded toward Lanya and Denny—“it’s taking a little longer. Well, you have a few more cliches to overcome. You mustn’t think I’m trying to throw a wet afghan over the festivities. You’ve written a beautiful book—though I didn’t understand a line—and you should go up there and have your party, and I hope it’s perfectly too fabulous. I really do. I shall just drool over the accounts in the society page next day. But I have to live with myself. You’re a dear, dear boy to ask me. And I’m just too crushed that I cannot accept.”

“You’re not going to dance at Teddy’s no more?” Denny asked.

“That—” Bunny’s hand refolded—“is another thing. No, I still dance there. Every night, three shows. Matinees on Saturdays and Sundays, as soon as brunch is cleared. Oh, we creative types must put up with so much just to do, as it were, our thing. Misery. Pure misery. Shame and humiliation.” Bunny regarded Kid. “Oh, you’re going to suffer so much it makes me want to weep. But that’s the price of having a poetic soul.”

“If Teddy is that big a bastard,” Denny asked, “why don’t you just stop dancing for him?”

Bunny raised an upturned palm. “If I don’t dance there, where else can I? I mean here, in Bellona? But we must stop all this. All I’m doing is making me feel sorry for myself. And you’re snickering. You said that Pepper was here…where—” Bunny’s voice dropped—“do you think I should look?”

“Come on,” Kid said. “I’ll give you the grand tour.”

“Oh, now, you don’t have to do—”

Kid pushed himself out between Lanya and Denny and dropped to the floor.

“—let me see, how do I get down from here? My, this is complicated; don’t you think a—oh dear!—ladder would be much easier than—there!”

“I’ll be back in a second,” Kid said to the two faces regarding him over the edge. He stepped around Raven, who glanced up from tinkering on the floor, and, followed by Bunny, went into the hall.

“You know,” Bunny came abreast of Kid. “I can’t tell you how relieved you’ve made me feel. Just to know he’s here and all right. What I see in him I’m sure I’ll never know. But sometimes he smiles, and I go all cream custard inside. Or calves-foot aspic. Yes, much more like calves-foot aspic. I mean it’s all clear and quivery and cool!”

“Not like an eclair?” Kid felt quieted and pensive from Bunny’s tale.

“Exactly not like an eclair!” Bunny smiled a white, white smile. “You do know!”

“He isn’t in the yard.” Kid leaned out onto the porch, then pulled back.

“I didn’t see him with any of those boys on the front steps,” Bunny said. “And he wasn’t in the kitchen or the front room.”

“Let’s try in here.” Kid pushed open the door.

Among the sleeping scorpions (Dollar had turned over on his stomach) Pepper, curled on his side in a pile of blankets, hanks of chain over his bony shoulders, fists thrust into the groin of his jeans, slept and hissed through the limp hair across his face.

“He always sleeps like that,” Bunny said quietly.

“You want to wake him up and—?”

“No!” Bunny whispered, and raised a wrist before pursed lips. “No…I just wanted to, well…you know.” Bunny’s smile was worked through with concern. “That’s fine. Really. Just to know he’s all right. That’s all I wanted. One has to be responsible for them, but in ways…in ways they can understand.” Bunny’s head shook. “And understanding, as I’m sure you know, is not Pepper’s strong point. Come, come. There’s no need to wake anyone.” Black Spider had rolled over and raised his head.

At Bunny’s gesture, Kid closed the door.

“Thank you, thank you. A million times, thank you. I’ve got to run along to greet my audience with—” Bunny thrust out a hip and closed an eye—“the real thing. You’re a perfect love. Ta-ta!” Halfway up the hall Bunny turned back and flung out one hand while the other wound among the optic beads. “And have a fabulous time at your party. You were too good to ask me. Thank you, thank you. You really are too good. Drink a glass of champagne for old Bun-buns, and remember, whatever happens, give ’em hell!”

California and Revelation had stopped to stare. Lady of Spain came out of the front room behind them, leaned on their shoulders, and grinned.

Bunny blew all three kisses, fled to the front door, opened it, turned, sang out, with flourishing arms: “‘The shadow of your smile…’” in an astonishing bass; then shrilled, “Bye-bye!” and was gone.

Pondering, Kid went back to the loft.

Seated Raven had a loop of wire and two screws in his mouth. “Who was that?” he asked, voice mangled by metal.

Kid just laughed and climbed up the post. “God damn,” he said. “Couldn’t you wait for five minutes to get started?”

Denny, naked, lay on top. Lanya still wore her blouse.

“We haven’t started very seriously,” Lanya said around Denny’s forearm.

“Yeah?” Kid climbed up and pushed his hand between their hips (Denny rocked up, Lanya pulled down). “Oh; yeah.” He took off his vest.

They made love, breathing softly with wide mouths. For a while, with his belt and pants open, Kid refused to take his pants off—

(“I’m sorry, Lady, you can’t go up there. Kid’s busy.”

(“He ballin’?”

(“Yeah. Come back later.”)

–but after a while they tickled him and, while he lay laughing, pulled them down. Huddled with their heads together, Denny whispered, “That was nice, huh? Lemme fuck you in the pussy and you can fuck me in the ass again while I’m doing it.”

“Marvelous,” Lanya said and buried her laughter on Kid’s shoulder.

“Sure,” Kid said. “If you want. Sure.”

But, with knees uncomfortably wide, elbows bent, and the boy’s dry back brushing his belly, Kid’s penis, pulling along the flexing crevice, lay limp. He started to say something, thought better, and kissed Denny’s shoulder, kissed him again.

Lanya opened her eyes and, through her catching and catching breath, frowned. She worked one hand free, and licked and licked her fingers. Then she reached around Denny’s back. First just the side of her thumb touched his cock. Then his movement in her fist’s tunnel made the thing that was not a muscle tighten (and whole webs above and around his pubis that were, relax). His penis filled through her grip.

“I like that…” Denny panted when Kid was inside him.

“It’s pretty good…” Kid got out, shifted his weight, and decided that Lanya had the right idea: Talking was silly. He didn’t come in Denny’s ass, but in hers.

They lay on their sides, Lanya sandwiched between.

“I can feel him,” Denny whispered, “Moving. Inside your cunt, on my dick, I can feel him.”

“So,” she whispered, “can I,” and Shhhhhed him. Both Kid’s hands were around her chest. Someone held his thumb. He thought it was her because she always used to, but it was Denny. Once he rose from half sleep to hear them giggling together. He shifted his fingers on the live warmth of her breast. Someone squeezed his thumb again.

He woke, suddenly and fully. They were both still. His cock was erect; but as he raised his head to look down at himself, he felt it soften. He had rolled slightly to the side. His penis lowered toward Lanya’s thigh.

It is not touching her, he thought.

Then, the slightest warmth. And pressure.

It is touching her.

Eyes wide, he rolled back, trying to understand by blunt reason that terrifying and marvelous transition.

I am limited, finite, and fixed. I am in terror of the infinity before me, having come through the one behind bringing no knowledge I can take on. I commend myself up to what is greater than I, and try to be good. That is wrestling with what I have been given. Do I rage at what I have not? (Is infinity some illusion generated by the way in which time is perceived?) I try to end this pride and rage and commend myself to what is there, instead of illusion. But the veil is the juncture of the perceived and perception. And what in life can rip that? Is the only prayer, then, to live steadily and dully, doing and doubting what the mind demands? I am limited, finite, and fixed. I rage for reasons, cry for pity. Do with me what way you will.