Текст книги "Beautifully Shattered"

Автор книги: Courtney Kristel

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Текущая страница: 25 (всего у книги 31 страниц)

Chapter Twenty-Seven

I unlock my front door, hurl my purse on the ground, and slam the door. I continue visualizing the scene over and over again with the stupid melody of him telling me I’m not enough. A sick torture that I can’t escape. I need help. I need a friend right now. Without any thought, I drop to the floor and dig through my purse for my phone. I ignore all the missed messages and call the only person I can. She answers on the first ring.

“Hello love!” Harper sings into the phone.

Throat tight, I weakly choke out, “Hi.”

“I’m on my way. Keep the door unlocked,” Harper says before hanging up.

She doesn’t ask if I want company. She knows I need her. I had a tiny second of doubt that I shouldn’t have called her, that I should be strong enough on my own, but I made the right choice. Needing someone else every once in a while isn’t a bad thing. It doesn’t make me weak.

I desperately want to change into something comfortable, but I can’t find the strength to move. Today had been one hell of a day. I feel as if someone took a metal bat to my head then realized that wasn’t doing enough damage so they grabbed the biggest knife they could find and stabbed me repeatedly in the chest.

Somehow I manage to stumble my way to my balcony. I gulp in the cool night air. I should run back inside for a sweater or a blanket, but I can’t. Instead I collapse in one of my lounge chairs and wait for Harper.

It’s not long when I hear her calling my name. I’m too tired to raise my voice. Even though I’m emotionally drained to the point I feel like my head will explode any second, my mind won’t shut off.

I see the blonde troll making Jax laugh while he tells me I’m not enough. I relive the way his eyes sparkled as he confessed his love for me. Then as if that’s not enough, I see Hadley extending her headphones while the sound of my dad’s head smashing into the window as I soundtrack that plays over and over again. The images blur together until I can’t decipher what I’m seeing.

“What happened, Adalynn? Can you hear me?” Harper talks too fast, panicked.

All I can do is nod. Well, I think I nod. My whole body quakes. Is it from the cold outside or from the coldness inside of me? I’m vaguely aware that Harper keeps talking, asking me more questions that I can’t answer. All I hear is Hadley painfully saying my name one last time. Her last word was my name.

She was the only one besides Jax to call me Ads. I’ve never let anyone else call me that, even before she died. She thought it was Jax picking on me when we were younger, that’s why she started calling me Ads. To her horror, it was only a nickname, a nickname that only Jax could use, as he patiently told her. Too bad Hadley has always gotten her way even with Jax. He couldn’t get her to stop calling me Ads. It became their name for me.

When I heard Jax call me Ads the first time in the hospital, I couldn’t breathe through the pain. I would never hear my little sister call me that again, it would only be Jax. As much as it hurt in the beginning, I couldn’t tell him to stop. I think on some level he knew how much I needed it even though I dreaded it. I needed a daily reminder of her that wasn’t tainted from that night.

He gave me that.

I’m aware that Harper has wrapped me in a blanket and is speaking on the phone. I can tell that she’s frantic and all I can do is watch while my mind goes round and round. Troll . . . Jax . . . car accident . . . Hadley. A constant replay.

“She’s here, but not. Her eyes are lifeless and she keeps saying Hadley over and over again.”

Harper pauses to listen. Normally I would care who’s on the other line, I think. I can’t find the energy to care. Not tonight. Tonight I just want to sleep even though it’s pointless. Sleep won’t be coming anytime soon.

“No, I didn’t want to worry him. Besides, something tells me she needs you right now.”

Another pause.

“Because . . . she keeps saying your name too,” Harper says quietly as if she doesn’t want to admit this.

Her voice drowns out again as I relive the last words I ever said to my dad in my head.

I was hurt that he didn’t trust my judgment. He kept asking questions I couldn’t answer. I promised . . . someone . . . it would be our secret . . . nobody would know that it was . . . I groan as that thought floats away, leaving me with more questions I don’t have the answers to.

I was mad that my Dad was pushing me. Mad that my parents ambushed my last swim meet by inviting Jax. I wanted to hurt my Dad. I wanted him to feel how I felt. I said the most untruthful words I’ve ever spoken out loud. Words that I can never take back. Those will forever be the last words he’s ever heard from me. At least with my mom, I was able to say sorry and tell her how much I loved her. I will never get that chance with my dad.

Startling Harper, I jump off the lounge chair and fall to the floor in front of the iron railing. I rock back and forth. I would expect anyone to start freaking out right about now, but nope, not my best friend. She sits right down besides me, throws an arm around my shoulder and hugs me while she helps sway me back and forth. She doesn’t say anything, neither do I.

Harper’s arm drops from my shoulder and she’s gone. I want to cry out to her. To tell her I won’t always be this broken, that I need her, that I can’t be alone right now. I even manage to open my mouth to beg her to stay, but nothing comes out. I just continue to rock into the railing.

“Please . . . Please . . . Help . . . Sister . . . Hurt,” I choke out to the paramedic who is trying to put something over my mouth.

“Shh. I need you to stay calm for me. Okay? Let us do our job. We got her now.” He says it reassuringly, I’m sure to help me relax.

I don’t feel relaxed. I need to see her. Where is she? Why aren’t they working on her? I’m fine. Just a few broken bones. I attempt to tell him again that I’m fine, but nothing comes out. Panic breaks through the surface and I struggle against them, desperate to see Hadley. Where is she? The morning sun blinds me, making it impossible to see without squinting.

Gathering all the strength that I have left, I push the paramedic out of my face, force myself to sit up and scream as loudly as I can, “Hads! Help, Hadley!”

The paramedic gently but firmly pushes me back down onto the gurney. I don’t struggle against him anymore. I’m dying. My breaths are coming slower; this time I don’t fight it. I couldn’t even if I wanted to.

“We’re losing her!” someone shouts in the distance.

I’m surprised he sounds so far away. The guy is hovering over me. Why does he sound so far away? Everything starts to float away. I feel lighter.

Before my eyes close for the final time, I see her. They have my sister. She has a mask over her face. A woman runs out of the ambulance with the defibrillator. The man doing compressions doesn’t pause while the pads are placed on her chest. Everything clicks into place. I gather enough strength to keep my eyes open just a little longer. With everything inside of me, which isn’t a lot, I stay awake. This may be the last time I ever see her alive again. I won’t think of what it’s going to be like to not have her in my life.

Time stops.

One . . . Two . . . Three . . . Four . . . Five . . .

Breathe.

I need you!

“We have a pulse!” the woman announces.

As the blackness takes over, I only have one thought.

She’s alive.

The ground disappears beneath me. I breathe in the scent that reminds me of home. It’s so strong that it lures me out of my self-inflicted torture. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I cuddle into his chest fully aware that I should resist him but I can’t. Not tonight. Tonight I want to be in his arms. Tomorrow I’ll be strong. Tonight I’ll be weak in Jax’s strong arms. Jax’s lays me in my bed and starts to pull away.

“Stay,” I manage to squeak out.

“I’m not going anywhere, Ads. I’m just going to talk to Harper then get you in some pjs. Then we will cuddle like old times. Okay?”

He kisses my nose and waits for me to nod against his lips before walking away. At the door he gives me a warm smile then disappears to talk to Harper. I wait for a minute or two but when I don’t hear the front door opening and closing, I get restless. My mind has finally cleared enough that I am fully aware of what’s going on again. I don’t want to hide away in my room. I need to face Harper so that she knows I’m not mental.

I tiptoe around in the hallway and pause as they speak in the living room. I’m spying. I mold my body close to the wall so I can’t be seen while I listen.

“I knew something was wrong immediately. She sounded like she was crying,” Harper informs Jax.

“She doesn’t cry.”

“I know! That’s why I came here without another word. I was prepared to see her bawling her eyes out or something . . .” Her voice trails off.

“But that’s not what you found?”

“She was here, but wasn’t. She was just gone. She was outside when I came in. From a distance I thought she was asleep, but when I got close I heard her mumbling and saw that the light had left her eyes.”

Nobody says anything for a while. I can hear Jax pacing back and forth. Even after everything that has happened between us, I know he wants to be here for me. He can’t help it even if he knows he shouldn’t. Just like I should force him to leave, be strong enough without him, but I can’t. Not tonight. Tonight I need Jaxon Chandler as much as I need to breathe.

I also know that when the sun breaks through my plum curtains, that it will be over. We will go back to our separate lives, my heart broken all over again, and this time I’m willingly allowing it to happen.

“Hadley’s her sister right?” Harper asks quietly, as if she’s afraid to ask.

“Hadley was her little sister.”

“I won’t ask anymore questions. If Addie is ever ready to tell me, I’m here for her. I’m not very forthcoming with information, either, so I understand.”

My entire body relaxes. I thought she would have pushed for answers and I’m glad that I was wrong. She isn’t pissed at me for keeping something like this from her. Which of course makes me wonder what she’s hiding. I know she’s hiding something, but I won’t press. When she’s ready to open up, I’ll be here for her. Just like she is for me.

“Thanks,” Jax says, breaking the silence.

“For what?”

“Calling me.”

“Don’t make me regret it. I already had Logan’s name on my screen, ready to press the call.”

“What stopped you?” Jax asks for both of us.

“You. She called out your name. I was here for almost an hour before I called you. She was either silent or saying Hadley. Then she said your name. After that, I knew I had to call you.”

I would give anything to see his face. I want to see if he’s freaking out or not. I move away from the wall to go in there, but Harper’s voice stops me.

“I’m gonna go. Something tells me that you can do more for her than I can.”

Not wanting to be found, I slip back inside my room. Right before I shut my door, I hear Harper threaten Jax.

“I don’t care that you’ve been in her life forever, I will murder you,” Harper says darkly. “If you make her worse than she is now, you will regret ever breathing. I promise you.”

Whoa. She’s a badass. If I was on the receiving end of that, I’m pretty sure I would have pissed my pants. I’ve never heard her talk like that before. Each word was laced with such promise that I have no doubt that she will follow through.

Footsteps come down the hallway so I’m forced to run across my room and jump on my bed. I should pretend to be asleep. I don’t. I just wait. Straining to listen, I hear the door shut and then heavy footsteps. I perch on the end of my bed and hold my breath. I count to twelve in my head before I hear Jax sigh loudly. Don’t leave. Please don’t leave me again.

Jax opens my door. He doesn’t say anything and neither do I. Silently, I watch him walk over to my dresser and pull out pjs.

“I’m gonna help you into this.”

It’s the only one of his shirts I kept. I couldn’t part with it, it’s the very first shirt I stole from him. It’s faded, has a large hole on the hem, but otherwise in decent condition.

“If you don’t want me to, I’ll turn around, but I’m not leaving.”

All I hear is he isn’t leaving. He’s going to stay. I try to give him a small smile to let him know that I’m okay, but I fail.

“Hands up.”

Raising my hands, I study his face. He doesn’t take his gaze off mine while he removes my shirt. He slides his old shirt over my head, but before sliding it all the way off, he reaches behind me and unclasps my bra. He slips each strap off my shoulders and tugs my bra out of the sleeve, all without taking his eyes off mine.

“Up.”

I stand and rest my head on his hard chest, exhausted. He unbuttons my pants and slides them past my butt.

“Sit,” he orders quietly when he’s pushed them down as far as he can.

Jax finishes pulling off my pants with practiced ease. Even though the pain from seeing him is so painful that I have to rub my chest, I’m happy he’s here. It’s as if I’m losing him all over again. Which is stupid. He wasn’t even mine. Can’t lose something I’ve never had.

“. . . everything or just the end?” Jax asks

“What?”

Jax regards me with a small grin. He knows why I wasn’t paying attention. I love that he isn’t treating me differently, like I’m made of glass. I love that he’s still being the Jax that I know and love. Love. No. I don’t love him love him. I love him like a dear friend. Yeah, I can’t even swallow that down without an eye roll. Hopefully if I say it enough times, I will start to believe it. If only it was that simple.

“I asked if you heard everything or just the end.”

I shrug in answer. I have no idea how he knows that I was listening to him and Harper, but then again it’s Jax.

“Thought so,” he says as he gets up.

I can’t help the panic that overtakes me. When he strides past my door and to the bathroom, I’m finally able to breathe normally. He’s not leaving.

Jax holds up my hair brush like it’s a gold medal. His face falls when he sees my panic. In a few long strides, Jax is bending down so that we’re on the same level.

“I’m. Not. Leaving,” he says slowly.

Resting my head against his forehead I give him my first real smile tonight. It’s small but it’s real. Just being in his presence comforts me. It reminds me of our childhood, simpler times. After another minute or two that goes by too quickly, I finally pull away from him. I have to remind myself that he’s only here for the night. He isn’t staying. I only have this one night with him before reality returns.

If I only have tonight with Jax, I’m going to make the best of it. I’m going to say good-bye to him for good. After tonight, I will move on. It will hurt, most days will be worse than the day before, but I’ll survive. The worst has already happened to me. I can handle losing the man I love. I don’t want to, but I’ll move on to someone else. It might be Kohen. It might not. I know whoever I fall in love with, I will never be able to feel the same way I do about Jax. Jax is my great love. My soul yearns for him.

“I don’t remember hair brushes being part of our sleepover requirements when we were younger,” I say over my shoulder when he starts to brush my hair.

“Well, since you don’t need a first aid kit for me, I thought we could change tonight up a bit.” He shrugs like it’s not a big deal.

I try to act nonchalant even though I feel anything but nonchalance remembering the countless times I patched up his dad’s handiwork.

“So you’re going to brush my hair?” I ask again.

“Yes and you’re going to talk to me.”

I don’t say anything. What do you say when an unbelievably hot man tells you he’s going to brush your hair while you pour out your feelings? Nothing. So instead I relax into him.

“Where were you going tonight? Shouldn’t you have been at dinner with Logan?” Jax asks me after about ten minutes.

The soft strokes of the brush almost hypnotize me into sleep, but remembering where I saw him and what he was doing jolts me awake. Gritting my teeth, I count to five slowly, attempting to calm down.

“I was going for a walk,” I say once I’m sure I won’t lash out at him.

He nods as if this makes perfect sense. After another minute he sets the brush down on the nightstand. Then he drags me to him so I’m resting against his chest while he leans against the headboard. I melt into him thinking that the interrogation ended.

“How was therapy?”

I should have known better. Jax isn’t known for letting things go.

“Fine.”

“Obviously you got worked up. That’s why you went on a walk. That’s why I found you like I did.” He says the last part quietly.

I don’t even attempt to count and calm down. I can’t. Not about this. I’m out of bed glaring at him.

“Who do you think you are? You don’t know me! You don’t care! You weren’t here! You didn’t find me! Harper called you! You left! You fucking left me like always!”

I’m crackling in anger. My entire body trembles from the physical need to hit something or someone, but I refuse to give into the urge. In the next second, Jax wraps me in his arms. I thrash, squirming to get away from him. It’s pointless, I know it, but I can’t stop fighting him. I don’t need him. I want to hurt him. Not because he’s Jax, but because he’s here. I don’t want to be the only one dying inside.

“I-I . . .” I can’t even say I hate him. I don’t, and no matter what, the words won’t come out.

Out of nowhere a memory of Jax leaving me standing in the middle of LAX airport bombards my thoughts. I’m begging him to stay with me in California, not to go back to NYU. He didn’t even look at me as he broke my heart and walked away, without a promise to return. As I concentrate on when this was, everything surrounding it, the vague memory drifts away, leaving more questions.

“You left me,” I murmur again and again.

I repeatedly pound my fist into his chest. He doesn’t say anything or try to stop me. I’m not hitting him hard enough to hurt him, but even if I was, I doubt that he would stop me.

“It’s okay,” Jax says once I drop my hands to my side.

I gaze into his green eyes. His sincerity is why words tumble out of my mouth without any conscious thought.

“They left me. I listened to them die, Jax. I wasn’t able to do anything but watch as my mom died right before my eyes! I’m so mad at them. All of the time. Why did they die and I survived?”

My legs give out, but before I can fall to to the floor, Jax catches me. Instead of carrying me the short distance to my bed like I expect, he sinks to the ground and leans against my bed frame with me in his lap. I rest my head against his shoulder and lay my hand over his beating heart. Jax stops rubbing my arm, laces his fingers through mine. Warmth radiates off his hand. He makes me feel safe.

“How could they leave me? I can’t . . . I miss them every day. There’s days I wake up and I forget about the accident and I’m happy. I’m blissfully happy. Then reality comes back with a vengeance and I lose them all over again. There’s times when I even go as far to call out for my dad. I hate that! I hate not knowing when I’m going to wake up and think that they’re alive. I fucking hate that I live for those mornings, just to be truly happy, only to be crushed all over again.”

Jax wipes his thumb over my cheek and it’s then that I realize I’m bawling. Reaching up, I touch my face. The wetness I feel is foreign. I don’t cry. Ever. I haven’t cried in six years.

“I’m so angry! All of the time! I’m so angry at them! They left me!” I cry into his shirt.

I don’t know how long we stay like this, me sobbing into his shirt while he holds me. He never tries to tell me it will be okay or some other bullshit advice. He kisses the top of my head while drawing patterns on my arms. It feels like I’m going to run out of tears, but just keep pouring down my cheeks. I can’t stop mourning what I lost, what was stolen from me.

I cry for the death of my parents.

I cry for the death of Hadley.

I cry for the death of me.

Feeling like it’s been hours since I started weeping I try to calm down. Which of course just makes me cry harder. Why can’t I stop sobbing? I clutch onto Jax, afraid that he’s going to get up and leave me like this.

“Don’t . . . I—”

“I know, just let it out. I’m not going anywhere,” Jax whispers into my hair.

Just hearing that he isn’t leaving me is enough to help me breathe again. I gave up wiping my face a long time ago since it’s pointless. I snuggle into Jax’s chest and breathe him in, willing the tears to stop. After what feels like another hour, the tears finally dry up. I wipe my face and nose with the end of Jax’s dress shirt.

“Sorry,” I mumble, not feeling sorry at all.

Jax brushes the hair out of my face and kisses my nose. “Don’t be.”

When I’m finally calmed down again, Jax picks me up as if I weigh nothing and strolls to the bathroom with me in his strong arms. He cleans off my face with a warm towel while I sit and watch him take care of me. Once he’s satisfied, he carries me back to my bed. After covering me in my blanket, he turns off the light. My side lamp is on so I can still see clearly, but I’m not blinded by the light anymore. He kicks off his shoes. After stripping out of his shirt and carelessly throwing it on the floor, he unbuttons his pants.

“We’re gonna cuddle like old times and if you want to talk more, I’m going to listen. If you just want me to hold you, then you’ll be in my arms all night.”

I study his face while he strips out of his pants. As much as I want to stare at other places on his body, I can’t. Nothing has changed between us and I need my friend right now.

Jax peels back the duvet and slides in next to me. He lifts his arm in the air, an invitation for me to cuddle. I don’t need to be told twice. I eagerly lay my head on his chest, and wrap my leg over him, while he holds onto me tightly. I melt into him, expecting to sleep but to my surprise, I open up more.

“I told Liv about the crash . . . It was like I was there all over again. Reliving it all. I could see it all as clear as I can see you. I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t save them. I couldn’t—”

“Stop. You did everything that you could. You need to stop blaming yourself. It wasn’t your fault. I miss them too, but I’m not sorry that you’re here, Ads. I need you to be here. I can’t imagine losing you.” His voice cracks.

Gazing into his eyes, I know he’s telling the truth. Which makes it impossible for my heart not to break a little more. He loves me. I know he does. Everything he does proves it over and over again, but he’s not willing to do anything about it for whatever reason. Hearing the sincerity in his voice shatters me.

“I don’t know how to live without them,” I admit.

“One day at a time,” he says, repeating what Liv has told me countless times.

“I know, it’s just hard.” Stalling, I nuzzle closer to him. “I felt like I was betraying them somehow. I wouldn’t allow myself to be happy because they weren’t here. Anytime I started to live again, I could hear my dad’s head hit the window. I’d hear my mom’s last words and, mostly I would see Hadley’s lifeless body while the paramedics tried to save her.”

“They wouldn’t—”

“I know. That’s why I started trying. I realized that if things were different and she was here instead of me, I wouldn’t want her weighed down by guilt. I would want her to live to the fullest because I couldn’t. I would want her to live for me. That’s what I’m doing. I’m living for all of them, especially Hadley. She was so young, she didn’t get to experience life. I feel like I tainted their memories somehow because I haven’t been experiencing life for so long.”

I close my eyes and picture my parents and my little sister. Instead of seeing their lifeless bodies, I see them alive and happy. I see my dad hugging my mom while they dance in our kitchen, and I see Hadley twirling around the house in a tutu when she was eight. I’m surprised that the images don’t make me fall apart. Instead they make me smile, a sad smile, but it’s still more than I’ve been able to do in the last six years. Anytime I remember them, I’ve always felt guilty. It’s strange not having that guilt anymore.

“That’s why I won’t go back to the way I was. I can’t. I know if I do, I won’t be able to pull myself out of it again. And I couldn’t do that to them. My mom told me to be strong and I need to start being the strong person she believed I was.”

Jax doesn’t say anything and I’m glad. He kisses the top of my head. Seconds turn into minutes with neither of us speaking, just basking in each other’s warmth. Eventually Jax ends the silence.

“I’m proud of you. You’re the strongest person I have ever known. You had your entire world turned upside down, everything was taken from you, but you didn’t give up. You—”

“I did give up.”

Jax turns my head so that I’m forced to look at him.

“No. You. Did. Not. Give. Up.” He says each word slowly. I manage to give a little nod because I don’t trust my voice.

“I’ve watched you for the past six years. You continued to fight even if you weren’t aware of it.”

I start to interrupt him, but he places a finger over my lips, silencing me.

“Every day you got up and went to school. You graduated top of the class and now you’re pursuing a career we both know you don’t really want. You’ve been through more than anyone should at such a young age, but you never gave up. I don’t want you feeling guilty because you think you haven’t been living. You have, just in your own way. You had to overcome everything going on in your head to fully come back to us . . . to me.”

I desperately want to kiss him, but I can’t. I know he believes every word he just said, and for some unknown reason, I believe it, too. I kept fighting . . . It just took me six years to realize what I was fighting for . . . I was fighting for me, for life.

“I don’t remember our sleepovers being so depressing,” I say, trying to lighten the mood.

He forces out a laugh. “Yeah, because sneaking into your room against my best friend’s back was sunshine and daisies.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I know,” he says with a sad smile before reaching over me to turn off my side lamp.

“You know, if you ever want to talk about that, I’m here,” I say into the darkness.

Jax’s body tenses. I immediately regret bringing up his past. If he wanted to talk about it, he would. I mentally curse myself.

“I don’t even know what to say.” Jax breaks though my internal rant.

“Whatever comes to you,” I say, repeating what Liv has told me several times.

I count to thirty. I’m positive that Jax is just going to change the subject or go to bed. This is untouched territory for us. We’ve never really spoken about all those nights long ago. It’s kind of like an unspoken promise to not mention it, even back when I was patching him up. I’m about to open my mouth to relieve the tension in the room when Jax finally speaks.

“Okay.”