Текст книги "Beautifully Shattered"

Автор книги: Courtney Kristel

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Текущая страница: 28 (всего у книги 31 страниц)

Chapter Thirty

My mind is elsewhere while I hang out with Connor and Logan. The questions are on an endless cycle in my mind. I can’t stop thinking which memories are fake, and which are real. Several times I’ve attempted to ask Logan, but the words wouldn’t come. I have a nagging feeling he wouldn’t tell me anyways if I asked. I feel like they’re all in this together.

“Why so glum? You don’t need to worry.” Connor sits down next to me on Logan’s sofa.

“Huh?”

Without missing a beat, Connor says with a smirk, “I’ll send you a picture of this sexy face every day.” He even goes as far as to point to said face. “So you can cheer up. You won’t go a day without seeing me.”

He’s attempting to lift my mood, but for the first time, it’s not working. I know he’s in on it, too. All these years, they have kept something vital from me. I just wish I knew what. I don’t even know if I have the right to be upset with them. They might have a good reason. No, I push that thought away. I deserve the truth.

When Logan comes up behind us with bags of Thai food, I open my mouth to ask him the question that’s been on my mind since I got here, but nothing comes out. I’ve been here since twelve. It’s now eight. I lost count of how many times I’ve attempted to voice my thoughts.

I force myself to stay calm. I don’t need to get into a fight with them right before they take off. They’ll be back in two weeks. I’ve waited six years to find out the truth to something I don’t even have the questions to, I can wait fourteen more days.

Standing up quicker than I thought was possible, I snatch the bags from my brother and sit back down. I didn’t even get a plate. I ignore Connor’s jab and dig into my food. After shoveling half of my Pad-see-ew into my mouth, I glance up to see my brother and Connor watching me.

“When’s the last time you ate?” Logan asks, voice full of concern.

“Eh . . . This morning?” I hate that it comes out a question. And hate even more that I feel like I can’t trust them. I know they won’t tell me, I need to remember on my own. Their eyes narrow.

“Relax. I was busy. I’m eating now.” I don’t mention that I was busy forcing myself to remember something that I’ve chosen to forget. I went for a swim, hoping the water would relax my mind enough for me to latch onto my memories. No luck.

Lowering his food, Logan studies me. “Are you sure you’re okay? You can always meet us out there.”

“Yes! I’ll book your flight now.” Connor plucks his phone off the table.

“No!” I force myself to relax.

If I react, they’ll continue in this pointless charade until I agree to go. Which I can’t afford to do at the moment. I won’t be able to keep my thoughts to myself. I’ll lash out at them, and possibly ruin their meeting because they’ll be concentrating on me.

“Ada—” Logan starts, but I cut him off.

“No. I’m fine really.”

This isn’t their fault. They weren’t the ones that chose to forget, I did. Heck, they might not even know. There’s a lot they don’t know about Jax and me. As much as I want to believe that, I can’t. It’s a gut feeling that I can’t ignore.

“I have bad days more than good days, but I can honestly say I’m going to be okay. I haven’t been able to say that since the accident and actually mean it. I’m okay, Logan.”

Logan doesn’t respond for so long I panic. I can see how much of a struggle this is for him. He’s used to telling me what to do and I go with it, always wanting to make his life easier and not really caring what I do.

I care now. I’m taking charge of my life.

“Okay,” Logan says with a wary smile.

“Okay,” I repeat.

The rest of the evening passes in a blur. My phone beeps with a new text message, I ignore it. I want to spend the evening with them, without interruptions. Which is hard since I have to keep reminding myself to focus on them instead of my missing memory. No matter how much I try, I can’t get Jax out of my head. Ironic, the one thing I want to remember involves the one person I want to forget.

Pushing back the thoughts about Jax, I listen to their conversation.

“Yeah. I have everything taken care of. Relax, Logan. Not my first time,” Connor tells my brother.

“Sorry man. This is just—”

“I know,” Connor says with a grin.

I tune them out again as they talk about business. The two of them can get lost in their own conversation for ages. Forcing my thoughts away from Jax, I think of Kohen instead.

I can understand to a point why he gets mad, but I’m not going to make excuses for him anymore. He might not be fully aware of what he’s doing when he’s upset, but he needs help. I can’t be with him if he keeps lashing out at me. I’m finally living again and I won’t live under his shadow.

I don’t want to give up on him . . . not yet. Even though he has his issues, he’s a good person. He’s the only one not keeping secrets from me. He’s the only one I can fully trust. I have to offer him the benefit of the doubt, and give him room to change. He and I will work. For a few seconds, I wonder if I’m trying to convince myself or if I actually believe it.

I believe it.

“You seem different,” Logan says, bringing me out of my head.

“Uh . . . Thanks?”

“It’s a compliment,” Connor chimes in.

“Okay . . .” I say slowly.

“You’re okay,” Logan says.

“Yes,” I say, answering him, even though it wasn’t a question.

“I’m glad, baby girl.”

I want to tell him everything about the affair with Jax, but I don’t. I promise myself that I’ll tell him truth when he comes back. That’s when I’ll seek answers to my missing memory.

Logan yawns loudly. Holy hell. I’m tired just looking at him. “When’s the last time you slept?” I ask.

He waves me off.

“I’m serious, Logan. You need to sleep more. You need to take better care of yourself.” The fear of losing him overwhelms me and I force the tears away. Which is a new thing for me. I never have to fight this hard not to cry. It’s inconvenient, to say the least.

“Relax. I’ve just been putting in more hours to make sure everything is ready for our meeting. Once the deal is finalized, I promise I’ll sleep for a week straight.”

“Not good enough,” I say while I stand up to leave.

“Ad—”

“No.” I gesture at Connor. “We’re leaving.” I point at my brother. “And you’re going to bed.”

Connor seems like he’s about to protest, but I glare at him, making his words die on his lips. Logan gets up and hands my purse and jacket to me.

“Thanks.” I tap my foot at Connor, who nurses his beer on the couch.

“Fine.” He sets down the Corona. “You win. Let’s go.”

He gives my brother that one-arm-hug thing guys do. “Meet you at the airport.”

“Don’t be late,” Logan says sternly which makes him laugh. Connor is never late.

“I’ll miss you,” I tell my brother as we embrace.

“I’m only going to be gone for two weeks.”

I nod, words escaping me. I don’t want him to leave. I know it’s two weeks, but it feels like a lifetime until I’ll see him again. Two weeks and hopefully I’ll find out the truth. After giving Logan one more hug, I leave his penthouse with Connor. The second the elevator door closes, Connor interrogates me.

“Any plans with the hot doc while we’re gone?”

“Nope,” I say, which isn’t a lie.

We don’t have plans. Well, anything set. I have plans to ambush him at his apartment tonight, but that’s not a set plan. So technically I’m not lying.

Connor nods. Then with a tight smile he asks, “And plans with the best friend?”

“Harper?” I ask, needing to make sure. I sense we’re not talking about my best friend, we’re talking about his.

“Not your best friend. But when you see that little fire cracker, tell her I said hi.”

I stare at the closed elevators door. I can’t tell him what’s going on with Jax. If I do, he’ll tell Logan, and Logan won’t leave. He needs to leave. I need to figure this out on my own.

The elevator reaches the parking level and we walk to his car. Opening the passenger door for me, Connor remains silent. I’m hoping that the subject is dropped. Even thinking about it makes me cringe.

Connor waits until we’re on the road, heading the short distance to my place. “Jax . . . any plans with him?”

“Nope,” I say, not wanting to go into details.

“Have you guys talked lately?”

“Yup.”

Connor doesn’t give up, he keeps pushing. “About . . .”

Keeping my eyes on the road, I decide to confide in him. He isn’t a stranger. This is Connor. If I can’t talk to him, then I don’t know who I can talk to. Besides, he might have unexpected insight on Jax.

I look at him then turn away. “How much do you know?” I ask, squinting to spot the stars in the night sky. I can’t see any because of the city lights.

“A little of this . . . A little of that.”

I force my hand to stay in my lap even though I really, really want to smack him across the head. Just once. “Connor,” I warn.

I can feel Connor’s eyes on me, but I don’t face him. I can’t. If I do, I’ll lose my resolve, and ask him about my blank past. I need to ease into that.

“I know pretty much everything that’s been going on lately. Even before Jax said anything, I knew there was something go on.”

“What did he say?”

When Connor doesn’t answer right away, I scrutinize him. His features are serious, all traces of humor gone. I know instantly that I made the right choice to talk to him about this. I should have done it sooner. Maybe things could have been different. I squash that idea. No matter what he says, it won’t change anything. Jax is keeping something from me. I can’t forgive him.

“Let’s get a beer,” he says, opening his door. It’s then that I notice we’re stopped.

When Connor comes around to open my door, I start to tell him that it’s fine, we can talk about this when he returns from his trip, but he interrupts me.

“We’re both going to need a beer to handle this conversation.”

I nod, knowing he’s right, but I still make an attempt to stay in the car. “You do realize you have a flight to catch tomorrow?”

Connor pulls me out of the car. “You do realize that I’m going to be sleeping the entire flight, right?”

“Fine,” I say as I follow him into a little pub.

We’re at one of my favorite pubs in New York. It’s about a block away from my place so I’ve always been able to walk a short distance to grab a beer. The boys love it here, too. I need to bring Harper here. I make a mental note to call her tomorrow so that we can come here and talk about everything that happened last night.

This pub is the perfect place for something like that. It’s crowded to the point where you won’t be overheard, but quiet enough where you don’t have to yell. Other than a few lamps attached to the walls near the tables, the only real lighting in the place is the bar. Three huge lighting fixtures hang from the ceiling above it. The glass wall behind the bar gives the illusion that you’re the only one in the place when you’re sitting at a table against the wall. Which is exactly why I choose a table near the back while Connor goes to order our beers.

Connor returns with two beers and two glasses of clear liquid in shot glasses, and shoots me a smile when I glare at the shot glasses. He knows I’m not a shot drinker, I’m barely a drinker at all.

“No.” I say at the same time Connor says, “Yes.”

“No.” I say when he places my beer and the offending shot in front of me.

Ignoring me, Connor downs his shot and waits for me to do the same. I don’t. Which just makes him smile even wider. “One shot for one secret,” he prompts and wiggles his eyebrows at me.

“Shots for secrets?”

He nods and pushes the shot closer to me.

“Do I get to ask the questions?”

He shrugs. “If you want to, but I don’t think you’ll ask the right question.”

I eye him while coming up with a plan. I have to tread lightly. “Fine, first shot you tell me something you think I want to know, and the next one I ask the question I want to know.”

“How many secrets do you want the answers to?”

“I only need one.”

He leaves without a word. A few minutes later, he rejoins me with two more shots. He lifts the first glass and clinks it to mine. I gulp the vodka down, my insides feeling like they’re on fire the entire time. I can feel the burn all the way down to my stomach.

I gulp down half my beer. “Start . . . talking,” I wheeze when I can finally find my voice again. I hate vodka.

“Where would you like me start?”

“How about with the secret I just earned from that shot.” Any amount of patience that I have has disappeared.

“Jax has started seeing—”

“What!” I roar.

“Let me finish,” Connor says, not caring in the slightest that my world is falling apart again.

As much as I remind myself it doesn’t matter what that liar does, I can’t help the sickening sensation that overwhelms me and it has nothing to do with the taste of vodka in my mouth.

“He’s seeing Olivia. For about a month now.”

I think I might pass out. What happened to the troll? Jax is dating my therapist. I think that’s illegal. Patient confidentiality and all that. Where does he get off? Where does Liv get off? She’s married and twice his age. I’ve told her things about us that nobody knows. Oh God.

“As a patient . . .” Connor says, breaking through my horrid thoughts.

Spitting out my beer, I choke out. “What?”

Connor squeezes my hand. “He’s been getting help.”

My mind spins and it has nothing to do with the small amount of alcohol that I’ve consumed. Jax is seeing my therapist. He’s getting help.

“Why her?”

Surely there has to be a million therapists in New York. Okay maybe not a million, but pretty freaking close. Why her? I can’t believe she didn’t tell me. Then again she can’t. Connor studies his beer bottle. Suddenly his label fascinates him. I know whatever he’s going to say, I’m not going to like it.

Still examining his bottle he says so quietly I have to strain to hear, “Don’t kill the messenger, but it’s because of you.”

“Me?” I’m this close to banging his head against the wall to get answers.

The words tumble out of Connor’s mouth as if he can’t hold it in anymore. “She’s helped you. We’ve all seen it, Addie. You weren’t here. Then you started working with Olivia and all of a sudden, you started coming back. We all thought we’d lost you.”

Connor looks up at me, expecting me to disagree or jump down his throat, I’m assuming. I give him a weak smile, which encourages him to continue.

“I think on some level Jax needed to see her. I don’t think he would have been able to get help from anyone else. He saw the change in you. He kept telling Logan and me that you were going to be okay. He believed that you were coming back to us before Logan or I saw it. If he’s going to get help, it has to be from Olivia.”

“Why didn’t he tell me?”

Connor just raises an eyebrow. “Is that your question?”

I shake my head and force away all thoughts of Jax. I don’t care if he’s seeing Liv. I can’t care, not anymore. Not after him refusing to reveal my own memories to me. Connor point to the only remaining shot glass on the table. Hastily, I bring it to my lips. It doesn’t taste any better going down a second time.

“What really happened six years ago between Jax and me?” I ask before I set the glass down.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Cut the crap. You said a shot for a question. I took the shot, now answer me! I deserve to know what happened, what I can’t remember!” My voices raises, my earlier frustration gushing back with a vengeance.

When he meets my eyes, regret fills his brown ones. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

I slam down my hands. “Why?”

“Ask me anything else and I’ll tell you.”

Everyone in my life is lying to me. I thought I could always count on my guys, but I was wrong. Without a word, I get up.

“Addie, wait,” Connor says as he reaches for me.

I step to the side so he doesn’t touch me. “Jax refuses to tell me what happened. Now you, too. What is so bad that I don’t deserve to know?”

He runs a shaky hand through his long blonde hair. “It isn’t my secret to share.”

“Whose is it?”

“Yours and Jax’s.”

I need to hit something. “I don’t remember and Jax isn’t telling me anything! If it’s my secret then tell me, I want to know!”

He sighs. “I can’t, I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“Because we were told that we needed to wait until you remembered to talk about it. If we brought it up before you were ready, you would . . .” His voice trails off.

“I would what, Connor?”

He gulps loudly. “You might attempt suicide again if you found out before you’re truly ready to remember.”

He makes no sense. “What are you talking about?”

“Why did you try to kill yourself five years ago, Addie?”

I hate that I have to answer him. “Because I felt guilty about the car accident and them dying.”

“Who?”

Is he stupid? Does he really need me to spell it out for him? He raises his eyebrow. Apparently so.

“My parents and Hadley. I felt guilty that I survived. I didn’t think I could live without them, so five years ago I swallowed enough pills to kill me. If it wasn’t for Jax finding me, I would have succeeded.”

“No.”

“What do you mean, no? That’s why I tried to kill myself.”

“That wasn’t the only reason.”

I will seriously hurt him if he doesn’t stop speaking in riddles. “Then what was?”

He stays silent. I want to bang my head against the table. I’m no closer to assembling the pieces then I was this morning.

“You’re not going to tell me?”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t. You need to be the one to remember.”

I glare at him, hating that another person I thought I could trust is keeping something from me. “Have a safe flight.”

He reaches for me but I yank my arm away.

“No, Connor! If you’re not going to tell me, fine. I’ll find out eventually. From this point forward, we’re no longer friends. Friends don’t keep things from each other.”

“Adalynn!” he shouts as I flee.

I rush back to my apartment building, to the only man in my life that isn’t lying to me. When the elevator doors close, I press Kohen’s floor instead of mine, figuring I should just get this over with before I lose my nerve. I need to talk to him and tell him things need to change if he wants to be in my life.

I lift my hand twice to knock, but each time I pull away at the last second. I don’t know why I’m so nervous. I have nothing to fear from him. On my fourth try, I’m finally able to knock.

Chapter Thirty-One

Hesitantly, I knock again. The first time could barely be considered a knock since you couldn’t hear it. I should just call him. I grab my phone to do just that, but when I hit the home button, nothing happens. I forgot to charge it . . . again. I really need to start remembering to charge this sucker. Sighing, I rest my forehead on his door, I wanted to talk to him tonight before I chicken out. Suddenly the door gives away and I’m falling.

“Ouch,” I say when I face-plant into Kohen’s hard chest.

Once I’m able to recover and stand on my own, Kohen asks, “Are you okay? Did something happen?”

I bite my lip, my nervousness flooding back again. I have no idea what I want to tell him now that I’m in front of him. Okay, that’s a lie, I know what I want to say, I just don’t know where to start.

Nodding, I give him a weak smile that doesn’t reach my eyes. This may be it for us. He might leave me, too. Panic comes so quickly that my step falters. I’m going to be alone. Kohen mistakes my panic for something else. He takes several steps back with his hands in the air. Surrendering.

“I won’t hurt you. God, Adalynn, I could never hurt you. You mean too much to me. Please don’t be scared of me . . . don’t leave me.” His voice cracks and his eyes glisten with unshed tears. He thinks I’m leaving him and it terrifies him.

“I’m not . . . I’m not leaving.” He still doesn’t put his hands down or make a move to come closer. “I’m not afraid of you . . . I’m here to talk.” Deciding that I’ll have to be the one to make all the moves tonight, I slowly approach him. “Let’s go sit down so we can talk.”

Silently Kohen leads me over to his couch. He motions for me to sit so I do. Surprising me, he walks over to the wall across from me and leans against it. We stare at each other, neither of us speaking. My mind races. He needs to stop trying to dictate what I wear and lashing out in jealous rampages.

“I’m so—” he starts at the same time I say, “This needs—”

“You go,” we both say at the same time.

“I’m so sorry, Ad—”

“No, Kohen. I don’t want to hear how ‘sorry’ you are. This needs to stop.”

His face pales. The thought of me leaving him makes him sick. He’s so different from Jax. It would be refreshing if it wasn’t so painful.

“You can’t! You can’t leave me. I love you!” Kohen pushes off the wall and runs the few steps over to the couch to haul me into his arms. “I can’t lose you. I won’t!”

This might be harder than I originally thought. I didn’t realize he cared about me so much. Sure, he’s said he loves me, but I’ve always brushed that off. Even though he doesn’t know everything about me, he loves me. He wants me.

I pull out of his embrace. “I can’t be with you if you don’t change. I won’t.”

“I’ll do whatever you want, just promise you won’t leave me. We belong together.” He says this so seriously that I have no doubt that he truly believes this.

Maybe we do. I don’t know. I’ve never really given him a chance because of Jax. Maybe the right guy has been in front of me this entire time, I just chose to be blind. I’m not ignoring it anymore. I’m moving on.

I glance around his apartment. I feel like I’m really seeing it for the first time even though I’ve been here before. It’s so neat, almost OCD neat. There’s a picture of me on the end table that I’ve never noticed. It must be new. I don’t even remember taking it. I’m laughing in the picture, the wind blows my hair so that it’s wrapping around my face. He must have taken it when I wasn’t paying attention.

Immediately I feel guilty. He’s been nothing but here for me and all I’ve done is push him away. Out of sight, out of mind. All because I was hung up on Jax, on something that was never going to happen. I’ve been so wrong. I’ve been chasing after the wrong guy while I have the perfect guy right in front of me . . . well, almost perfect. But I think he can change; I hope that he will change for me. I hope someone will change for me.

“You need help,” I say at last.

“I know, I—”

I put up my hand to stop him, cutting him off again. I need to get this out before I lose my nerve.

“You’ve hurt me.” Kohen face falls, full of shame. “You keep saying you didn’t know what you were doing, but on some level you had to know. You’ve left bruises, you’ve called me names, you’re jealous of Connor for no reason, and Jax.” Guilt washes over me again because he had every right to be jealous. “You don’t trust me and you take it out on me. If you want me to give you another chance, then you need to get help.”

“I—”

“No, let me finish. You have to get help. I’ve seen you take your anger out on co-workers, too. It’s not healthy. One day you’re going to seriously hurt someone. I know you don’t mean to, that you don’t want to. I’m willing to give us a shot and see where this goes if you get help. I won’t let you hurt me again. Verbally or physically. If you ever talk to me like you did the other night or lay a hand on me again, I will walk out and you’ll never see me again.” I’m surprised at the sternness in my voice.

Kohen gently grasps my hand. “You are so precious to me, Adalynn. I will do anything you want as long as you’re mine. I won’t lose you.” Slowly, he lifts my hand to his warm lips and lightly kisses the back of it.

“You’ll go get help?” I whisper.

His dimples are prominent as he speaks. “I already am.”

“What?” I ask, even though I heard him clearly.

“The next morning after . . . the . . .”

“Jealous rampage?” I offer.

“Yeah, that works . . . I went and got help. I’m seeing a therapist once a week and I’m taking a class two times a week with other people like me. I want a chance with you. I knew that you wouldn’t give me another chance unless I proved to you that I’m going to change. I’m not that man anymore. I’m going to be better, I’m going be better for you.”

I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe that he’s trying to change, to change for me. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know that he hasn’t had time to make progress yet, but I drown out that thought.

“Okay,” I say at last.

“Okay?”

I interlock our fingers. “Let’s take this slow. I want to try with you.” I haven’t tried with you because I’m in love with someone else, I finish in my head. Loved.

“I can go as slow as you want,” Kohen says with a twinkle in his eyes.

That annoying voice in my head is telling me to take this slow, that I just ended things with Jax this morning. I think that’s why I smash my lips against his. He hesitates at first, but once I slip my tongue into his mouth, he kisses me back, fiercely. I lace my fingers through his blonde hair, but I imagine his hair is darker.

Kohen presses wet kisses down my jawline. I tilt my head so that he can reach my neck. I picture Jax’s tongue licking down my neck. I moan which drives Kohen mad. He bites down on my neck. I whisper Jax’s name . . . Out loud.

It’s like someone just dumped an ice bucket on me. My entire body stills. Kohen, too distracted, didn’t hear me. He keeps licking and biting my neck, oblivious. Thank God! That would not have gone over well. When Kohen finally realizes that I’m not into it anymore, he pauses, his eyes dark, confusion etched on his face.

“Did I do something wrong?”

Wow. I’m the worst human being on the planet. I have this gorgeous man in front of me, wanting to worship my body, and I’m thinking of someone else. I moaned out someone else’s name. Kohen deserves better than me.

“No. I’m sorry . . . I can’t do this.” I get a whole half a step away from him before he’s clutching me, forcibly so that I can’t move, but gentle enough where he doesn’t hurt me.

“No. I’m sorry. We’ll go slow. I’m sorry. Don’t leave. You can’t leave me, Adalynn. I won’t let you.” He tugs me into him, my back to his chest.

I will my body to relax into his. It’s a lot harder than usual. My body refuses to melt into him because he’s not the person I yearn for. I force my unwilling body to mold into him anyways.

He kisses me right below my ear. “Stay,” he whispers. “Don’t leave.”

I nod and he squeezes me tighter.

Spinning me around so that I’m facing him, he cups both hands on my face. “Stay the night with me?”

I open my mouth to tell him that I can’t, but I stop when I picture Jax and the troll, him lying to me before leaving me. Connor lied. Logan is lying to me. I only have Kohen.

“Please, Adalynn. I need you. Nothing will happen, I know you’re not ready for that yet. I just need to hold you in my arms. I thought I was going to lose you.”

I don’t feel like smiling, but I make myself anyways. Those are the words I want to hear, just from the wrong guy. “Okay,” I say because I need to move on. I need Kohen to help me move on from Jax.

Kohen briefly brushes his lips over mine and clasps my hand. Silently, he leads me to his bedroom. I stop when I see the door to the spare room cracked open. I’ve never been inside this room before as it’s always closed. I don’t know why, but I’m curious.

“What’s in here?” I ask, pushing the door open a little further.

He reaches around me and slams the door. “Nothing. Just junk,” Kohen says with a tight smile which only piques my interest.

“Um, okay?” I ask skeptical. “If it was just junk then why can’t I go in there?”

“That . . . that room is full of my mother’s stuff. I only go in there when I’m feeling alone. I usually lock it. I’m sorry, but I don’t want you in there. You can go through anything else you want, but that room is off-limits.” He says it sweetly, but it’s laced with panic.

Immediately I understand. “Don’t worry about it, Kohen. I won’t go in there if you don’t want me to. I was just curious. I’m sorry if I upset you.”

He doesn’t say anything as he digs into his pocket and locks the door with a key.

“Wow, that’s not insulting,” I mumble.

“What was that, babe?” Kohen asks over his shoulder.

“Do you not trust me? I’m not going to go in there once you fall asleep. I understand why you don’t want me in there. You can trust me.”

“I trust you, Adalynn. Never doubt that. It’s just a habit.” He shrugs like it’s not a big deal, but his eyes are tense.

It doesn’t escape me that he still keeps the door locked. I let it go, for now. I have secrets of my own that I keep locked up inside me. The only difference is that my secrets are a part of me and not in a room inside my apartment.

Taking charge, I grip Kohen’s hand again and lead him to his bedroom. I’ve been here a few times so I know exactly where I’m going. When we enter his room, my take-charge attitude floats away.

I’m stuck staring at a blown-up picture of my face. It’s the picture from his living room. He’s mounted it to the wall in front of his bed. I turn away from it and glance around. For some reason the bed seems larger, more intimating. I’m being crazy. I’m just in a weird mental state, that’s all. It’s the same bed that he’s always had, fitted with the same expensive blood red sheets. His furniture is black, opposite of what I would’ve pictured when I imagined his room. It seems out of character for him to have dark furniture, it doesn’t match his light personality.

I tense more when I realize it might fit him more than I thought. He isn’t all light. If he was then we wouldn’t be facing a gigantic hurdle right now. He’s changing, changing for me. Nobody else has attempted to do that for me, ever.

“Want a shirt to sleep in? I have scrubs you can wear too, but they’re going to be huge on you.”

“Sure,” I squeak out.

Kohen hands me a pair of navy scrub pants. I open my mouth to ask for a shirt, but stop, when he removes his. I can only manage to stare. Kohen works out . . . a lot. No matter how many times I’ve seen him without his shirt, I can’t help my hormones spiking.

“Thanks,” I choke out when he passes it to me.

Kohen chuckles while he turns to give me privacy. I would rather change in his bathroom, but this is good enough. Quickly I strip out of my tank and jeans. I toss them on the chair in the corner and slip his shirt over my head. It’s still warm and smells like his sexy cologne. My stomach tightens for some unknown reason. Since the shirt covers everything, I toss the pants at his back and jump into his bed.