Текст книги "Beautifully Shattered"

Автор книги: Courtney Kristel

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 20 (всего у книги 31 страниц)

I shake my head because that’s my usual answer. Each year Logan asks me and each year I say no. I know he thinks this year will be different. So far this year has been different. I’ve been different. But it’s still not the year for me to stand up in front of everyone and give a speech.

“Not this year, but maybe next year.”

Logan thinks about it for a second. “Fine, are you actually going to stay and listen this year?”

“I promise I’ll try. You know I hate these things.”

“No you don’t, you love them.”

“No, I love the pretty dresses. That’s about it. Everyone there is always so fake.”

“And you wouldn’t know anything about being fake in public?”

I shrug. We both know it’s true. I’m not the only one guilty of that though, everyone does it. Nobody wants the world to really see them. They want that one special person to break down the walls and accept them as they are. The only difference between everyone and me is that I don’t want anyone to break down my walls. I like them in their place. Without them I would be naked. Nobody has the patience to break down my walls anyway. With me, every brick that falls, another one comes back in its place.

After eating an early dinner with my brother, I return home. I still can’t get over that my awkwardness with Jax is obvious to everyone. I thought we were doing a pretty good job acting like everything was fine. Guess I was wrong.

I know my brother is right. I should talk to Jax. I’ve avoided him as much as he’s avoided me.

I tell myself this is the last chance that I will give Jaxon Chandler. That’s what I want to believe anyway, but deep down I know it’s bullshit. I will always give Jax every chance in the world. I wish I had more backbone when it comes to him. Maybe one day. Yeah, one day I’ll be able to say enough is enough and mean it. Too bad today isn’t that day. I send him a quick text, needing to get this over with before I lose my nerve.

Me: We need to talk . . . Can you come over?

Jax: Sure. What time

Not gonna lie, his quick response surprises me. Not as much as him agreeing to come over. I bite my lip, wondering if I should freshen up. I quickly shake that idea out of my head. I do not want to look good for him. I’m glad that I just got done working out with Logan. I’m definitely not looking my best right now.

Me: Now?

Jax: See you soon.

I sit on my couch and wait. A little less than twenty minutes later, I hear him outside my apartment. I wonder where Jax was because I know he wasn’t at his place. It’s not possible to get to each other’s building in this short amount of time.

That’s not the point. I need to focus on the matter at hand.

Calm and collected. No yelling. Just stay calm and collected. Calm and collected, should be easy right? From my spot on the couch I can hear him sliding a key into the lock. I stand, all previous thoughts vanish. I march over to the foyer.

“WHAT THE FUCK!” I say a little too loudly before he can even close the door.

“Hello to you too, Ads,” Jax says.

Fucking cocky bastard. He walks past me to my living room and sits on the coffee table. I despise arrogant Jax. At least it’s easier to stay mad at him when he’s like this.

“Why do you still have a key? Never mind, it doesn’t matter,” I say when I realize that I never demanded it back. I blame The God for distracting me.

“What matters then?” he asks before I can finish my train of thought.

I point my finger at his face.

“Me?”

He slides his keys in his back pocket. If he didn’t ask “me” in a way that sadly makes my skin ignite, I would be a little nicer. Too bad Jax is the only man who can make me want to kill him and kiss him at the same time. I am not going to be nice or easy on him. I may be losing it here, but I can’t find the will to care.

I’m pissed. I’m outraged that he’s hardly talked to me and just swaggers in here. Who does he think he is? I bite my lip in a way that I think is sexy and look him up and down. I watch him closely to see if I can ignite a reaction. All I want is a small one. Bingo! He swallows loudly and his pupils dilate. It’s the exact reaction I wanted.

“Yes you,” I say in a voice that I hope is seductive.

I know I’m playing with fire here.

“Me?” he asks again, this time his voice a little deeper.

I smile on the inside knowing that I got to him. I narrow my eyes at him. I’m done playing with fire now.

“Who do you think you are, Jaxon? We’ve barely talked in months. MONTHS! And you just walk in here like you own the place. Who does that?”

“Ads, calm down, it hasn’t been months we just saw each other at brunch. Besides, I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal. I’ve always had a key and I’ve always used it. I don’t see why you would care now.”

“Calm down? Really, you want to tell me to calm down?” I shove him back a little. “A key to someone’s place is either from a friend or a lover. You aren’t my friend and you are definitely not my lover, Jaxon!”

I know I should calm down, but now that he’s here, all sense has left. Did I even have any to begin with? Not when he’s near.

“Talking is having a conversation. Not nodding your head and saying hello and goodbye to each other,” I say with venom dripping out of my voice.

“We are friends! I don’t know what else you want from me, Ads!”

“We’re friends, really? Okay, Jax, since we’re such close friends, what’s been going on in my life? Because I have no idea what’s going on in yours! That’s not a friendship and you know it!”

Jax’s silence angers me more.

“Exactly! You have no idea what’s been going on in my life because you haven’t been here! You’ve been avoiding me for no reason! We slept together again, get over it! I have!”

Jax opens his mouth to say something, but I talk over him.

“You want to know what I want? I want you, Jax! I want you in my life! I don’t care about the stupid bullshit that happened between us. It was nothing and didn’t mean anything to either one of us. I just want my friend back.”

“Ads, I haven’t been avoiding you. I’ve been busy with work and you know that we are friends.”

“It’s Adalynn! Not Ads!”

“Come on, Ads, don’t be like this.”

Jax makes an attempt to embrace me, but I step out of reach. His arms fall to his side. I will not let him walk all over me like this again. I deserve the truth.

“It’s Adalynn, not Ads! We’re not friends so you don’t get to have a nickname for me!”

I shake my head when he moves closer. I know if he touches me, I will lose it. I will collapse into his arms and breathe in his heavenly scent. I can’t do that. It can’t be that easy, not this time.

“If you’re going to lie to me than at least come up with a better excuse!” I shout.

“It is the truth! I’m not lying to you. I’VE BEEN FUCKING BUSY! Get over yourself, ADALYNN!” he shouts right back at me.

“You’re not lying? Go fuck yourself, Jaxon! If you have enough time to take a shit you have enough time to send me a text to ask how my day was or respond to one of the millions texts I’ve sent you!”

Jax takes two long strides and gets in my face. I can feel the anger rolling off him. I know he’s about to lose that self-control he’s so big on. Good!

“Don’t try to act all high and mighty, Adalynn! Talking is a two-way street! You can’t blame this all on me!”

“You’re right, talking is a two-way street. Too bad you NEVER PICK UP YOUR PHONE! It’s kind of hard to carry a conversation with myself.”

Jax pulls out his phone. “Really, when have you called me lately? I don’t see any missed calls from you, princess!”

Do not kill him. Do not kill him.

“Don’t you dare try to turn this around on me!”

I yank his phone out of his hand and throw it at the wall. His phone shatters. Well I guess I’m going to have to settle for killing his phone.

“Are you crazy!” he shouts at me at the same time I shout, “I have called you! I’ve given you every chance in the world, Jax. Repeatedly I’ve tried to fix us, but I can’t do it alone!”

“Maybe I don’t want to fix this, ever thought of that?”

I’m too shocked to say anything. I clutch my stomach as if he punched me. His verbal abuse isn’t over, he’s just getting started.

“The world doesn’t revolve around you, Adalynn!”

“I know that!” I snap.

“Then act like it!” he shouts back.

“What are you talking about? ”

“Nothing, forget it.”

“No, I will not forget it! If you have something to tell me, then say it!”

Jax rubs his hand over his face. His voice is once again calm when he speaks. “Let’s just talk later, we both said things we didn’t mean.”

“We’ve said things we didn’t mean? Really? What did I say that I didn’t mean? We’re not friends since YOU have been avoiding me. I want our friendship back. There’s nothing I said that I didn’t mean, Jax. So please don’t put words in my mouth.”

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I ask.

He doesn’t say anything at first. He gazes around the room. I know before he opens his mouth that it isn’t good since he can’t even look at me.

“Us,” Jax finally says.

“There is no us, that’s the point! You’ve been avoiding me so what exactly can’t you do anymore, Jax?”

As soon as the words leave my mouth, I know. It’s that little voice in my head that I was always afraid of. I know without a doubt what he’s about to say, yet it doesn’t make it easier.

“There isn’t a friendship to fix because we’ve never been friends.”

My throat is suddenly dry, but I manage to choke out. “We’re not friends?”

“No.”

The absoluteness in his voice helps me find mine again, “No? What am I to you?”

“Logan’s little sister.”

I land a perfect punch to Jax’s jaw. I’m so pissed I don’t feel pain in my hand. I’m not even satisfied when Jax stumbles back and I see the split lip. He rubs his jaw and wipes the blood on his shirt.

“All those nights I let you in my bed.” I yell, remembering our time together. “I gave you my virginity! None of that means anything to you?” I shove him as hard as I can. “After EVERYTHING, that’s all I am to you! Logan’s sister! After all those times I patched you up when your dad beat the shit out of you, all I am is Logan’s little sister!”

I desperately want to hurt him how he’s hurt me. My body is screaming at me to hit him again, but it won’t change anything.

“You’re pathetic! Get out!”

“Ads, let me explain,” he pleads.

I push him towards the door. He needs to leave now. I don’t want him to see me crumble. I can’t let him know how much he’s killing me. I bite my lip to keep from begging him to not do this to us. The pain helps center me. I square my shoulders as I turn to face the one man that has the power to destroy me. And he just did.

“My name is Adalynn. Don’t call me, Ads again. We’re not friends, we have never been friends. I’m just your best friend’s little sister, remember?”

“I’m so—”

My eyes blaze as I dare him to utter another work. I don’t need his apology. I need him to leave.

“Don’t. I don’t want to hear you’re sorry. You came over and said what you had to say, now you can leave.” I snap my hand out for my key. “Give me my key, please.”

He had said the one thing that I always feared he would say. He must sense that he might get hit again because he sighs and reaches into his back pocket. My hand trembles as he sets my key into my hand. It feels like this, us, is finally over.

Jax spins on his heel and walks to the door. He hesitates before opening it. He rests his forehead on the door and sighs. After a few seconds, he finally opens it. I let out the breath I was holding. I was sure he was going to say something. Wishful thinking.

I can’t believe he’s just going to walk out. After everything, this is how it ends between us? I grip the door handle and glare at the one person I thought would always be here for me. I never thought he wouldn’t be in my life. I thought I could always count on him. I guess I was wrong.

“I’m glad I can finally see the person you really are. I could never be friends with someone like you. So thank you, thank you for finally showing me your true colors.” I slam the door in his face.

I slide to the floor. The rage from seconds ago starts to disappear. I feel empty without it, without Jax in my life. I rock back and forth, hitting my back against the door. Slamming myself into the hard wood. I wince from the pain and stop.

Closing my eyes, I replay everything that happened. I wish I could have done something different, said something different, to have Jax still in my life. It’s unimaginable pain hearing the one thing you always feared was true. No matter how I look at the situation, I don’t think I could have said or done something to change his mind.

I finally get off the floor and pick up Jax’s broken phone. I throw it away. I know he’ll have his assistant replace the phone in the morning. I wouldn’t want to go buy a new one and pretend everything was normal between us.

My phone chimes in my bedroom. When I pick it up, I see that it’s Kohen.

Kohen: Hope I don’t wake you, but I wanted to tell you as soon as possible. I can’t make it tomorrow. I have an emergency surgery I can’t get out of. I already called your brother so he knows that I won’t be taking you and he can pick you up instead.

I slap my hand over my face. I forgot about the fundraiser. I’ll have to face Jax tomorrow. I will have to pretend like he didn’t just shatter my heart. I won’t let him see how devastated I am.

I need to get myself under control if I have any hope of confronting Jax tomorrow. I close my eyes in an attempt to calm down. Immediately I see Jax’s face when he told me I’m just Logan’s little sister. My mind won’t stop replaying it.

I don’t even care that Kohen can’t make it. I would’ve been a terrible date because the only thing occupying my mind would be to stay calm and not show Jax how I feel. Kohen does not deserve the back burner.

Tomorrow night is going to be hell.

Chapter Twenty-Two

“Are you two ready yet?” Connor asks from the other side of my bedroom door.

Whose bright idea was it to have all of us meet at my apartment? I muse as I stand in front of my full length mirror.

Harper is in my in-suite bathroom, putting on her dress. I stare at my reflection. I seem different. My eyes are hard, they match my now impenetrable heart. For some reason when I smile, it’s obvious that it’s fake. It takes a few tries to get it right. When I’m finally able convert into the happy person that I need to be tonight, I uncap the new lipstick Harper bought me. It’s a perfect blend of a soft rosy color that makes my lips pop, but not too dramatic.

“Wow! I don’t think Jax will think of you as anyone’s little sister, wearing that.”

“Thanks, I think?”

“It’s a compliment. One look at you and he will be fighting to get your attention.”

“Why would he have to fight?” I ask her, studying my stunning Lela Rose gown in the mirror.

It’s a fire engine red, off-the-shoulders fitted gown with a slight ruffled train. It shows all my curves. I feel beautiful in this gown. It gives me the confidence I will need seeing Jax tonight.

“Because every man in the room is going to want every second you’re willing to give them. Besides, you’re going to make that asshole work for it. I mean really work for it, I don’t care how hot he looks, either!”

I mock salute her. “Yes, General.”

“Oh, I almost forgot.” Harper rummages into her clutch. “I saw this the other day and just had to get it. It’s the perfect accessory to complete the look.”

“Thank you! It’s beautiful!”

Harper helps me clasp the diamond choker around my neck. It’s perfect! Three rubies gleam in the center and diamonds encrust the rest of the choker. No wonder she insisted on me styling my hair in an up-do. She really does think of everything.

Her dress is bold enough to forgo accessories. I wish I was comfortable enough to wear something like her Jason Wu black see-through lace dress. It’s a form-fitting number as well, with a tulle train. Only Harper can pull off a dress that is both provocative and conservative at the same time.

“You’re welcome. Ready to go?”

“Yeah, I guess,” I mumble.

“Hey, none of that. I won’t have you being sad because your lover is an idiot.”

“How many times do I have to tell you Jax isn’t my lover?”

Harper shrugs. “As many times until you prove me wrong.”

I groan. There really isn’t getting through to her. She’s stubborn. No wonder why we get along so well. I can’t wait to tell her my surprise. I instantly cheer up.

“You look sexy, you know this, right?”

“All thanks to you!”

“No, that,” I say, sweeping my hand in the direction of her body, “is all you.”

“Thanks . . . wait why are you in such a good mood? I know you don’t swing the other way so it can’t just be my good looks.”

I slap my hand over my face as if I just remembered something. “I forgot, I have a surprise for you, too!”

Her entire face lights up. It almost makes me not want to go through with it. Almost is the key word. I link our arms and drag her towards my bedroom door.

“You’re not my date for tonight.” I turn the knob.

“Huh? I thought Kohen wasn’t coming?”

I open it and let her through first. Connor leans against the wall opposite my bedroom door.

“Oh no, he’s still not coming, but you were never my date.”

Harper stops and turns her head in my direction. “Who is then?”

“I am,” Connor says huskily.

“Sure you are, stud,” Harper says with a small laugh.

Harper yanks my arm, stopping my plan to flee to my brother. Logan stands in the middle of the hallway with his arms crossed over his chest. When I say grab, I mean she latches onto my arm with surprising force, not allowing me to move another step without her.

“What?” I ask in an innocent voice.

We all stare at Harper. It’s easy to see the wheels turning in her head as she realizes I’m not joking. Her sweet smile makes me a little nervous. It’s the kind that you just know means trouble. I’m hoping trouble for Connor and not me, but I don’t think I’m that lucky. I know the fiery little redhead will have her payback on me soon enough. Letting go of my arm, Harper saunters over to Conner and wraps her hand around his offered arm.

“Well, let’s go already, my date and I hate being late,” Harper says as she leads the way to my front door.

“I’ll hate whatever you tell me to hate,” Connor responds as he opens the door.

She gives him a patient smile, one that a mother uses on a misbehaving child. “With lines like that, I wonder how I’m the lucky lady on your arm instead of your usual whores.”

Logan manages to cover his chuckle with a cough. I don’t even attempt to hide my laugh which earns me a glare from Connor.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that! It was funny!” I say.

“And true, man,” Logan pipes in.

Connor rides the elevator in silence as the rest of us make fun of him. Luckily Connor doesn’t take anything personally, he even lets out a few chuckles as we leave the building and approach the waiting limo. I’m surprised the driver doesn’t open the door for us; instead it opens from the inside. Shoot me now.

I want to imagine that my brother is bringing a date, but I know it’s not a woman. The frown that Harper sends my way confirms what I’m thinking. Once I get inside the limo, I will have to face him. I’m not ready. I thought I would see him at the fundraiser. I was prepared for that. Almost.

I scan the area in hope that there might be another limo coming just for me. It isn’t a real possibility, but fantasy is better than reality right now. I bend and pretend to fix my heel. Not a big deal. Nonchalant. Easy. Too bad pretending to fix a heel without an actual problem can’t take all night. Without anything else to stall the inevitable, I straighten up, and walk the last steps to the black limo.

“I’m guessing by the fantastic performance of stalling, you never talked to Jax?” Logan asks quietly in my ear.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Harper gets in first, followed by Connor. I look longingly at my apartment building before climbing in. Logan sits next to me and gives me a small grin.

I keep my eyes away from the far end of the limo, where Jax is. Instead, I pin my attention on the amazing view outside. I pretend that it is the most fascinating thing in the world, that I’ve never seen the lights of the city before. I tilt my head as we drive through Times Square. Tourists roam the streets, bundled up on this cold New York night. I block out everything. I no longer care that I can feel Jax in here with me. All I care about is the world outside this window. That’s the world I want to be in right now.

“Hello, earth to Adalynn,” Connor says slowly enough that he almost spells out hello.

I nod in his direction so he know’s I’m listening, but I refuse to turn away from the window. I will have to look away eventually, but eventually isn’t this exact moment.

I sigh before facing Connor. He and Harper occupy the bench across from the bar, which takes up the entire right side of the limo. Jax is the furthest away from me, he’s in the seat in front of the privacy mirror, but it seems as if he’s the closest because he’s directly across from me. I can feel his eyes on me, waiting for me to acknowledge him. I don’t.

“Champagne?” Connor asks.

I swing my hand out, more than ready to get drunk. “Oh god yes!”

“Cheers!” Harper says too brightly.

Her presence makes the pain a little better. I’m glad that she is here, and is telling me she’s here for me without words.

“To an amazing night!” Logan says beside me.

Connor slides his arm around Harper’s shoulders. “An unforgettable night!”

I tune out her response and face the window again. As the limo makes a left turn onto an almost empty street, I wish that I was anywhere else. With autumn near, the leaves are changing into vibrant reds and oranges. Soon they will fall and people will forget how beautiful the leaves used to be as they collect dirt on the sidewalk.

“It’s a good thing there isn’t any water for Harper to throw at your ugly mug.” Jax speaks up for the first time.

I can’t help the way my entire body tenses from the sound of his voice. I ignore the rest of the conversation and sink back into myself again. I replay every moment I’ve ever had with Jax. The first time I saw him when I was seven, I knew that I would never be the same. I see every secret smile, every caress, every time he would sneak into my bedroom window when we were teenagers, and all the times he would fly back from NYU to visit me for the weekend.

The only thing that I’m aware of is when Harper switches my empty champagne flute for a full one. I’m so thankful for her right now. It isn’t until my brother taps my shoulder that I turn away from the window.

“I take it from the tension between you two that you’re still fighting,” he murmurs.

He doesn’t ask. He states it, as if there isn’t any other option. Not able to lie to my brother, I shrug in answer.

“The talk didn’t go well then?”

“It went . . .” I struggle for words, but can’t find any. I decide to go with the truth. “It went as well as it could have I guess.”

“Ah I see,” Logan whispers.

I glance around to make sure nobody is paying any attention to us. Wrong move. My eyes seek out Jax’s. He’s nodding at something Connor said, but his gaze lands on mine. I’m ashamed to admit it takes a few seconds to shake myself out of a trance and glance away.

“You both are going to ruin a lifelong friendship from being afraid.”

“You think you know everything but you don’t, Logan. It’s not that easy. Things with Jax are complicated. Nothing is as simple as you think it is.”

I pause to collect myself. I need to stay calm and remember that we are not alone in the limo. Everyone else in here does not need to be part of this conversation. Heck, I don’t even want to be part of this conversation.

I continue, “Afraid? Afraid of what? Come on, you seem to have all the answers so tell me. What exactly am I afraid of?”

“You’re afraid of life. You’re afraid of living because they didn’t. You’re scared of anything and everything that you can do that they can’t.”

I focus on life outside the window again. I remain silent. I see the city without actually seeing anything.

“You’re wrong,” I murmur so quietly I don’t think he hears me.

“Prove it then.”

My annoying brother taps my shoulder again. Tap . . . tap . . . tap . . . Over and over. Turning my head away from the window I glare at my irritating older brother. My anger rises. He’s wrong. I’ve done everything I can to keep Jax in my life. Before I can help myself, words leave my mouth.

“I get that you care since it puts you in an awkward situation, but you should be having this conversation with him, not me! I already tried. He doesn’t want to be my friend. He’s only in my life because of you! So sorry, but you’re not always right, Logan!”

I’m met with utter silence. It takes a second too long to realize that I raised my voice. Crap! I tell myself not to look at him but it seems like I can’t control myself tonight. Jax’s mouth hangs open a little, from shock I’m sure, and his green eyes won’t meet mine. Logan says something, but I ignore him. As I watch Jax, it hits me that if I had any hopes of repairing our friendship, that is long gone. He can’t even face me. I wish that I could disappear into the leather seats. We stop moving. Perfect timing, at least I can flee and get lost in the crowd. I follow my brother out of the limo.

After about an hour of mingling with Logan, I’m finally able to make a break for it. Well, for the table since I can’t leave, at least not yet. Seizing a flute of champagne from the passing waiter, I pretend I don’t see Harper waving me over. I need to sit down. I need a breather from everyone. I haven’t seen Jax since we first arrived. Not that I’ve been searching for him or anything. He’s probably with some slut in a closet. I don’t care.

Weaving around people, I finally locate our table. I exhale when I see that nobody is sitting down yet. Useless conversations are the last thing I want to do. I have had enough of the fake bullshit people say to each other at these events to last a lifetime. I remind myself not to run as I move towards our table.

Pulling out my chair, I eye the exit. I want to get out of here. I need air. I force myself to stay seated instead of leaving. My hands shake slightly. I want to say it’s from the lack of food and the champagne, but that would be a lie. My trembling hands and need to escape is because of Jax. Always him.

I can’t stop rehashing last night in my head. It’s been almost twenty-four hours, but it feels like only seconds have passed since he told me I’m Logan’s little sister. Of course the man that I’ve been in love with forever wouldn’t think of me as anything else except for his best friend’s little sister. I thought he saw me, really saw me.

Little sister . . . little sister . . . His words are on a wheel that won’t stop tormenting me. Just thinking about all those times that I let him in, when I closed out everyone else, makes me bite my lip to keep from screaming in anger.

“Are you okay?” Connor asks me.

I look to my right as he and Harper sit down. I’m not even surprised that I didn’t notice them come over here. I’ve been lost in my head. I’ve been replaying every encounter I’ve had with Jax and attempting to view it from his perspective.

“Peachy.”

“Sounds like it,” Harper says.

“Oh shut up. Shouldn’t you be out dancing? This one,” I say, pointing to Connor, “is a fantastic dancer. His parents made him take dance classes when he was younger.”

Connor makes a show of getting up and offering Harper his hand. “Please do me the honor of this dance, Ms. Harrison. Besides, I think Addie is going to be like this for the rest of the night.”

“And please tell me, Connor, what am I being like?”

“Let’s just say that you’re not in the best of moods right now,” Harper chimes in.

“That’s a nice way of saying something else . . . I think the word you’re looking for is bitchy,” he says as he nabs Harper’s hand and steers her away.

I run my finger over the table. Tracing invisible designs. Only Connor can call me a bitch and get away with it. That’s because I know he never really means it. Connor treats me like the little sister that he’s never had, but has always wanted.

Lights are once again strung to the ceiling. I stare at the twinkling ceiling for a long time. When I finally glance away, I try to find my brother. He’s talking to someone by the stage in the middle of the room. I think she’s the event planner. A waiter comes by and replaces my empty champagne flute. I move it away and sip the water in front of me instead.

My eyes land on Connor and Harper. I watch him swing her around the dance floor for two songs. She’s clearly had lessons, too. They draw eyes to themselves with their effortless moves on the floor. When the third song begins, I trace patterns on the table again. With each second that goes by, I continue to think about last night.

Nothing, not even a ballroom full of people, can take my mind off last night. I wish that he told me how he felt in the beginning instead of waiting until now. He’s led me on for too many years, playing games. I hate that I have to remind myself to be upset with him. I have every right to be, but at the same time I don’t think I do. Yes, he’s led me on, but I shouldn’t fault him for not having feelings for me.

I need closure. I don’t want to reflect on last night and always wonder what if. What if I said something different? What if I told him it’s okay? What if I actually stopped loving him? Maybe then we could be friends. I already live my life full of “what ifs’’ with the accident; I don’t want to do that for us, too.

Someone taps my shoulder. I open my mouth to tell Connor that I’m fine, but words fail me because it’s not Connor. I know without looking over my shoulder that Jax is standing behind me. It could be from that simple touch that leaves my skin burning from his finger, or from his nearness that makes my skin break out in goosebumps. Either way, I know he’s directly behind me.

“Dance with me, Ads.”

Before I know what’s happening, Jax pulls out my chair and helps me out of my seat. I stare at him, really stare at him, wondering what he’s doing. I haven’t seen him all night. I was sure he was with some leggy blonde without a brain. None of this makes sense, especially after last night.