Текст книги "Beautifully Shattered"

Автор книги: Courtney Kristel

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Текущая страница: 23 (всего у книги 31 страниц)

Chapter Twenty-Five

Three days.

Three days of being numb.

Three days of going through the motions.

Three days is all it takes for me to realize that I need to stop acting. I’m not that person anymore. I’ve hung out with Harper during lunch, been texting Kohen, and I even had dinner last night with my brother, but it wasn’t really me. The last three days I’ve been a ghost, a shell of a person.

Now I’m feeling everything.

I force myself to keep busy so that I can stop thinking about Jax. Work, excessively baking, and exercising are the only things that make the pain of losing him manageable. If I stop, I hear him telling me he loves me, I feel his hands caressing me, I can taste him. When I remember him, remember us, it takes everything in me to keep breathing, to pretend that everything is normal.

Now I’m choosing to forget him, to forget us.

I’m moving on.

I’m moving on to dinner with Kohen at eight. I glance at the clock to make sure I still have plenty of time. Crap! Five minutes. I’m not even close to ready. Time slips away from me lately.

I race to the bathroom to apply mascara and lipstick. I pin my hair back while I walk to my closet. After slipping into jeans, I opt for the first shirt I see. Black. To match my heart. I snatch a pair of my favorite Betsey Johnson booties when I hear a knock.

“Just a sec,” I yell loudly enough for Kohen to hear me.

Clutching my purse, I saunter over to the floor length mirror. I look decent for only having five minutes to get ready. My cheeks are a little red from running around. I’m surprised how put together I appear. When I reach the door, I pause. I’ll have to act like everything is fine. I can’t let Kohen know I’m dying inside because of another man. I give myself a little pep talk before unlocking the door. I beam at Kohen. He’s in a simple pair of jeans and a blue dress shirt.

“Hi!” I say too cheerfully.

“You take my breath away,” he says in return.

I chew on my lip. I can’t help but compare him to Jax. Which of course is unfair. I can’t compare the two. They are two different people, of course they are going to have differences.

“Thanks. You’re not hard to look at, either.”

“These are for you.” He extends a beautiful arrangement of blood red tulips.

Telling him thank you, I set them on the table. I love that he has them in a vase. He’s always thinking about me, always wanting to make things easier.

I link my arm through his and follow him to the elevator. As the elevator descends, I realize that I’ve been going about the Jax situation all wrong. I shouldn’t be hiding, I shouldn’t be hurt. He didn’t do anything that I hadn’t expected. I’ve always known he wasn’t the man that I would marry. I hoped he would change that, but deep down I knew it would never happen.

Kohen squeezes my hand. I force my frown to disappear. He’s not Jax, he’s better. He isn’t pushing me away. He wants me. I need to open up to him on our date tonight. He deserves to get to know me.

Conversation flows easily with Kohen. The only thing that I would change about our date would be the place. I hate going to fancy places that serve the smallest portions and it costs five times more. I’m happy with a burger and fries. Finger food and cold beer. Can’t get better than that.

Somehow swimming gets thrown into the conversation. I’m surprised when he tells me he used to swim in high school.

“No way! I was a swimmer too!”

“I know.” He flashes me his dimples.

We talk back and forth of the pros and cons of competitive swimming. The cons is an awfully short list. Early morning practice. I’m surprised that Kohen is just as passionate about swimming as I am. I love sharing this part of myself with him. Another thing in common.

“You were very talented. Why did you stop?” Kohen asks.

I start to recite the usual speech, but pause. I don’t need to give him some fake BS just to make it easier for me. I need to tell him the truth, which will lead to the next series of questions.

The terrifying part is that I’m not even scared to tell him. If I open up to him, I’m giving him the power to break me. The same thing I did years ago with Jax. The warning bells were ringing loud and clear then. Now? It’s silent, it’s time to let someone else know me. It’s time to move on.

“I stopped because it didn’t make me happy anymore. Every time I looked at the water I was miserable. I couldn’t escape off the pool deck quick enough. One night I attempted to . . .” I shake my head. “I was never able to go back in after I tried to kill myself, until recently.”

Silence.

Nervously, I begin digging my fingernails into my palm. This is it. This is when he runs away from me. This is the moment he realizes I’m too damaged. I’m not the person he thinks I am. He surprises me by reaching across the table and taking my hand. I’m relieved he doesn’t ask why I thought suicide was my only answer. He knows something terrible happened and he’s letting me go at my own pace. That simple act makes it easier to open up to him.

“What made you not . . . never mind, sorry, I don’t want to push you to tell me anything.”

“It’s okay. I want to tell you.” I glance around and realize that we’re not in our own little world. “Just not here. Do you want to come over for the night?” I ask.

Kohen nods while signaling for the check. I rest my head on his shoulder when we sit in the cab. It’s a peaceful silence, neither of us needing to speak.

Kohen gives me a chaste kiss on the lips in the elevator, promising to see me soon. He’s going to his place to get something to sleep in. I quickly change into a pair of cotton shorts and snatch an over-sized shirt. It’s actually mine and not one of the guys’. I didn’t want to chance thinking about Jax because of a stupid old shirt. Which reminds me, I need to toss those out. I can’t have them in my place anymore.

I’ll do that tomorrow. Tonight it’s all about moving forward with Kohen. Every step closer to him pulls me away from Jax. Which is what I need. I just wish my stupid shattered heart would stop holding out hope for Jax. I’m constantly at war with myself; my mind knows Kohen is the perfect guy to move on with, my heart isn’t so sure. As much as I try to deny it, I still have hope for Jax. Even though it’s just a sliver, it’s enough to drive me crazy.

Knock. Knock, I hear at the same time the front door opens.

Weird, I thought I locked that. This whole Jax thing is messing with my mind more than I even realized. I release my lower lip from my teeth. “Hey.”

I have no idea why I’m so nervous. This is Kohen. But for some unknown reason, this feels wrong. He shouldn’t be here in my space, instead someone with tattoos should.

I need to try that much harder to open up to Kohen. Yeah, that’s what it is. I let Jax in, I let him be here for me. I gave him the chance to see me, to break me. He took it. Now, I need to give Kohen a chance to know me. Hopefully I’ll be enough for him and he’ll still be here after seeing me for me. Only one way to find out.

“Hello,” Kohen says, relaxed, in his element at my place.

He moves toward my couch, but I stop him. “How about we hang out on the balcony for a little bit?”

“Sounds perfect.”

I walk across the living room toward the balcony. I pause when I get to the doors and notice that Kohen isn’t behind me. I’m about to call out to him, but he returns with one of my throw blankets that I keep in a closet.

“Don’t want you getting cold.”

I manage to smile at his thoughtfulness. It’s refreshing to have someone want to take care of you instead of always relying on yourself.

Kohen lays down in a lounge chair and beckons for me to sit in-between his legs. I can’t help but compare how my body reacts differently to him than Jax. I force myself to relax into him and ignore that it’s not Jax’s chest I’m laying against.

Kohen waits for me to gather my thoughts while he rubs my arms. I let the words flow out, not caring if it makes any sense. Just wanting to tell him about myself. Having him behind me, makes it easier for the words to spill out of my mouth.

“I used to be a different person. You wouldn’t recognize me six years ago. I was this bubbly person that smiled all the time. My life wasn’t perfect, but it was pretty darn close. I had the most amazing parents in the world, not a day went by that I wasn’t reminded how much they loved me and how proud they were of me. Our little sister was different from us. She thought dirt under her nails was the worst thing that could ever happen. She was artsy, always dressing up. Even though Logan and I would tease her, she looked up us. I’m pretty sure she thought we could walk on water. We could do no wrong in her eyes.”

I remind myself to relax my fist. I know that I will dig my nails into my palms to the point where I draw blood if I don’t. Which is not what I need right now. I’m not numb, I don’t need to harm myself to feel something. That’s not what this is about. I force myself to continue. I can open up to somebody and not have my world crumble. I want that person to be Kohen. I trust him.

“I had goals. Goals that I did everything in my power to achieve. There was nothing more important to me than succeeding. I pushed myself harder each time I got into the water. Swimming consumed my life. My entire world was centered around swimming, until it wasn’t.”

His hold on me becomes stronger, unbreakable. I love the strength in his arms. Kohen is letting me know he’s here without words. I love that he is so patient with me. Not asking the questions that I know he wants answered. He is letting me take my time, share what I’m willing to share. I turn my head slightly so that I can kiss his forearm.

“I wasn’t able to get back into the water for six years. I was afraid of not feeling the same. I was afraid of the memories. Mostly, I was afraid of being happy. I didn’t think I deserved being happy. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s okay to be happy.” I say the last sentence so quietly I doubt he hears me.

“I promise to help you remember if you ever forget, Adalynn.”

I snuggle into him closer. I’m glad that I’m confiding in him. It’s not as hard as I thought it would be. I want to be done and just go to sleep in his arms, but I know I need to say one more thing.

“My parents and sister are . . . they’re . . .” I struggle for the words.

Even though I know that they’re dead and aren’t coming back, it’s hard to form the words out loud. My throat tightens.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell anything you don’t want to. Just know whenever you’re ready, I’m here. Nothing can ever keep me away from you.”

Those are the words I needed to hear. All doubts of not being enough for him evaporate.

“My parents and sister died six years ago. I was with them when it happened.”

I don’t elaborate and Kohen doesn’t make me. He drags me closer to him as if he’s afraid I will run away from him and shut him out. I try to say more, but nothing comes out. I’m not ready to tell him everything yet. Just being able to say this much to him is a huge accomplishment.

We head to my room holding hands. It’s surprisingly refreshing to share with someone that doesn’t know me or my past. I was afraid opening up to him would push him away. I’m glad that I was wrong. He needs to know me, to really want to be with me. I can’t pretend anymore, not with him.

His arms wrap around me as he spoons me from behind. This as as close to content that I’ve felt since Jax told me I wasn’t enough. Whenever I was with Jax, I always had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that it will never last. I never feel like that with Kohen. He always does everything in his power to show me how much he wants me. He is the exact opposite from Jax.

He’s the light and Jax is the darkness.

I’m done with the darkness.

I want to bask in the sun.

I want to be with Kohen.

Even though my mind knows this, it’s hard to ignore that my heart aches because I’m in somebody else’s arms. I can’t help that my shattered heart is comparing them. Like the way that I have to remind myself to relax into Kohen’s arms when my body naturally molds into Jax. It’s a good thing I don’t listen to my heart anymore. Following my heart is the reason why it’s demolished into a million pieces without any hope of healing.

I wish that I could just shut it off. Like I used to. It would make this so much easier. My heart wouldn’t be aching for Jax. I would be satisfied with Kohen. It would be as easy as flipping a switch for me. Too bad I know exactly how hard it is to flip that switch back on. It’s taken me six long years to feel again, to want to live. No matter how easy it would be to go numb again, I couldn’t do that to myself or Kohen. He doesn’t deserve to be with someone who isn’t really there.

As impossible as it seems, I need to move on from Jax. I almost want to laugh at that idea. I’ve told myself over and over that I need to move on. Telling myself to do something isn’t as easy as following through.

When I look where Kohen has taken us for lunch the next afternoon, I’m surprised that I don’t have to force a smile. The last time I was at Cedar Hill was with Jax. I haven’t been able to come back here since that day. I thought the image of him leaving me would have tainted the love I feel for this place. I was wrong. Nothing could change the way I feel when I’m here. I feel free.

“I’m so glad I’m here with you,” Kohen says.

“Why?” I step out of his embrace to lay the blanket on the grass.

“Because it’s your favorite place and I wanted to be with you here.”

The way Kohen says it’s my favorite place makes me drop my smile for a few seconds before I paint on my fake one. I don’t remember telling him this was my favorite spot. I pretend fascination with everything going on around us, but I’m replaying our time together, trying to remember when I told him about Cedar Hill.

Nothing.

I know I didn’t tell him. I wouldn’t have been able to because of how things ended with Jax the last time I was here. How could he possibly know this is my favorite spot? I come up with a million different answers that are way out of the possibility of reality. I’m overreacting.

This is Cedar Hill, it’s everyone’s favorite spot. Yes, that’s it. He just assumed this would be mine. I can’t even swallow that thought. I know that isn’t it even though I want to believe it. Kohen isn’t one to assume anything. Logan. Kohen wanted to spend the day together and make it special so he asked my brother. Yes, that’s it. That makes the most sense.

With that miniature freak out averted, I grin at him for his thoughtfulness. Pushing past my crazy ideas, I make the best of the day with the wonderful man beside me. Kohen went all out, not that I’m surprised. Kohen doesn’t know how to do anything half-assed.

He has lunch from my favorite deli, cupcakes from the bakery, and wine in plastic solo cups. It might be considered simple to some, but to me it’s perfect because he took time out of his day to go across town to get my favorite things, just to make me happy. You can’t beat that.

After I eat two and a half cupcakes, I split the last one with him. I recline back and enjoy the September sun while Kohen strokes my hair. I wish that I brought my camera, even if I feel like that would be betraying Jax. No matter how many times I tell myself that it doesn’t matter what Jax thinks, I still can’t convince myself that next time I’m here with Kohen, I’ll bring my camera.

The rest of the day passes quickly. Time gets away when you’re enjoying yourself. Hand-in-hand, Kohen and I walk to our apartment building. Kohen seems agitated that he has to work in an hour and can’t go to dinner with my brother and Connor. Which is why I squeeze his hand and rest my head against his shoulder while we ride the elevator.

I’m glad that Kohen decides to stay with me as long as possible before he has to leave. He follows me to my room and sits on my bed while I change and freshen up in the bathroom. As much as I want to text Connor and make sure that it’s just him and my brother taking me to dinner, I know I can’t. There isn’t a discreet way to ask if Jax is tagging along. Plus, I don’t see Jax coming. I hope that my gut feeling is right. There’s no way I’ll be able to eat dinner with that man yet.

Kohen chats with me while I wash my face and reapply mascara and lip gloss. Next, I French braid my hair to the side. I ignore Kohen’s comment again about not wanting to go into work tonight so that he can come with me. Instead I wonder what I’m going to wear and pretend I don’t hear him. I’ve heard him complain all day about it; him complaining is the only downside of our wonderful day together. At first I understood, thinking he was just tired from work, wanted a break, or even something terrible like someone dying on him. Nope, none of those are the reasons. He wants to ditch work and go to dinner with me because he doesn’t like that Connor will be there. As in Connor, my brother’s best friend, the same Connor I consider as another brother.

I laughed at first when he told me that. I thought he was kidding. I even tried putting myself in his shoes, wondering, but came up blank. Yes, Connor is a huge flirt, and hot, but gross, he’s Connor. I could never, and I mean never, look at Connor as anything but an annoying brother. Just thinking about it makes me want to laugh. Too bad I’m still annoyed that Kohen even thinks that. And every time he complains about going to work, it pisses me off all over again.

“How about you have dinner with me at work then come back here and go to bed early since you’re tired?” Kohen asks.

“Hospital food?” I ask, while rolling my eyes.

It’s amazing that he can tell I’m tired. It must be a super power of his that I wasn’t aware he had. Kind of like how I was under the impression that I’m awake and excited to go out to dinner with my brother and Connor. I haven’t seen them as much as usual because I’m always with Kohen. I have to remind myself not to quip Connor’s that more than capable of keeping me up. Yeah, I don’t think he would find that funny.

“It’s not that bad,” he says.

“I’d rather eat Logan’s gym socks!”

Kohen doesn’t respond which is a good thing. I’m close to throwing a shoe at him at the moment. I can’t believe I want to yell at him and laugh at the same time. Must be another super power of his.

Even though Kohen doesn’t know Connor got me the simple white dress in my hands, I can’t help my smug smile while I tug it off the hanger. I had planned on changing into jeans and a shirt because of the chill in the night air, but this dress had been calling my name ever since Kohen opened his mouth about going to work with him. Also, I haven’t worn the dress yet and I know Connor will be happy that I’m wearing it.

I look at the full length mirror in front of me and smile. The white sundress that Connor bought me on his recent trip to California is beautiful. The halter top shows enough cleavage to look sexy, but not too much where the girls are giving a free show. The dress hugs my slim waist and flows out right above my knee caps. Connor did an excellent job selecting this dress. I select a simple pair of ballet flats before leaving my closet to show Kohen.

“Besides, I want to go out with them. It’s our weekly dinner and I’m not—”

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING?” Kohen screams with disgust in his eyes.

“Excuse me?” I ask, while rubbing my hands down the dress.

He marches to my side, seizes my forearm and practically shoves me back into my closet. “You are NOT wearing that!” Kohen says while rifling through my clothes.

I know I should keep my mouth shut. Kohen is shaking in rage. But I don’t. “Last time I checked, you’re not my father. You will not tell me what I can and can’t wear!”

“You’re not going out dressed like that!”

“Like what?”

“A slut!” Kohen hurls a long sleeve top and a pair of jeans at me.

He is so fucking lucky that the clothes landed at me feet and not my face. I would’ve snapped if they hit me.

“A slut? Because my ass is hanging out, right?” I turn my head to look at my butt. “Oh wait, the dress goes to my knees! Wow, I’m such a slut! I can’t believe I’m not on the corner right now.”

“It’s not the length that’s the problem. Now go get some actual fucking clothes on. You’re not leaving dressed like that and tomorrow I’m going to go through your clothes for you.”

I just laugh. Which of course is opposite of what I should be doing based on his fist closing like he wants to hit something. Kohen stomps over to me.

“YOU. WILL. NOT. DRESS. LIKE. A. FUCKING. SLUT.” Lacing each word with disgust, he squeezes my forearms tighter.

Shut up Addie! Now is not the time to talk to him. Wait until he calms down. That little voice begs me to be quiet.

“Let go of me,” I say calmly even though I want to shout.

He doesn’t let go. He continues to stare at the offensive dress as if he can magically change my outfit with his eyes.

“Now, Kohen!”

Kohen takes a few deep breaths and I can see him the tension leaving his body. He releases me. I don’t even need to see the bruises his hands left. I can feel them. I maneuver closer to the door. He probably won’t touch me again like that, but I don’t want to risk it. He’s in control again, but I’d rather be close to an escape just in case.

“You will not dictate what I wear. I am not a slut, nor do I dress like one. I’ve only slept with one person, for crying out loud.”

Kohen’s face turns a little green and he’s breathing deeper as if trying not to throw up. Hopefully it’s because he just realized how he’s acting and not because I’ve slept with someone that isn’t him.

“If you ever, and I mean ever try to tell me what I can and can’t wear, we will be done. I’m a grown woman and if I want to walk outside naked, I will walk outside fucking naked and you will say nothing about it!”

“Adalynn—”

I cut him off. I do not want to hear how sorry he is right now. He needs to leave so I can have some much needed space. He just ruined a perfect day for no reason. I know he’s sorry, I know he wasn’t fully aware what he was doing or saying. But it doesn’t change the fact that I want him to leave. Now.

“I think you should go,” I say quietly before picking up my discarded flats.

Kohen jerks me in for a hug, but I back away.

“Ad—”

“No, you need to leave. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I know you’re sorry. It’s fine. I don’t care. I’m over it. I need to leave. I’m already going to be late.”

I don’t even wait for a response. I stomp into my closet, angry that I have to throw on a cardigan to hide the bruises on my arm. My front door opens and closes and I sigh in relief. He can apologize all he wants tomorrow. Tonight I need a break from him and his irrational jealousy.

All frustration leaves the second I see my brother at the restaurant.

“Late as always.” Logan says while stepping out of the booth to give me a hug.

“Name one time,” I demand.

“I can name more than one time for every single day that I’ve known you,” Connor pipes up while embracing me.

“You’re annoying. Remind me why you’re here again?”

“Because you love me and I know you’re going to need your fix before I leave?”

“My fix?” I ask.

“Of seeing my good looks.” He turns around and wiggles his butt. “Oh and my ass, I know how much you can’t keep your eyes off it.”

Logan groans. I pretend to gag.

“Hurry up and sit down before we’re forced to leave.”

Connor fakes having a heart attack. “How you wound me.”

“Shut up,” I plead.

“Beautiful dress.” Connor says when he finally sits down besides me.

“Thanks, this ugly guy that can never take a hint got it for me.” I wink.

Connor raises an eyebrow. “Fine, see if I bring you back anything.”

That’s the second time Connor has mentioned something about leaving. I look from him to my brother. Both are grinning.

“Good news?” I ask, already knowing it is.

Both nod, not giving anything away. Fine. I’ll play along. I grab my glass of water and pretend to pull a Harper on Connor.

“Okay, okay, relax, Addie,” Connor says hastily.

Good move on his part. I’m not in the mood to play games tonight.

“We’re going to London,” Connor says at the same time Logan says, “We got the deal!”

I tell both of them how I’m not surprised. What’s the deal for? I have no idea. But what kind of sister would I be to ask questions on something that I should already know? Which of course makes me feel guilty. I’ve been so occupied in my own drama that I have neglected my brother.

“How long will you guys be gone?” I ask, hoping that they didn’t already tell me.

Logan rubs his jaw. Not good. Connor is the one that answers. “Two weeks.”

I can’t help the panic that is starting to take over. I can barely even remember the last time my brother left the country without me. When he was in college and I still had our family.

“I’m not leaving for two days,” Logan says, sensing my unease.

“I’ll be fine.” I don’t know if I say it for my brother’s benefit or mine.

An hour later they’re dropping me off, promising to call every day. Which of course I tell them not to do. I don’t need my brother or Connor worrying about me. I’ll be fine.

Two weeks.

Fourteen days.

The thought is both thrilling and nerve-racking.

Whenever Logan leaves, it’s always as short as possible and he either has Connor or Jax keeping me occupied. Connor is out since he’s going which only means Jax. I feel dizzy until I force myself to suck in oxygen. Logan wouldn’t do that to me. He wouldn’t make Jax keep tabs on me again. No, he can’t. He knows we’re not on good terms. Overprotective doesn’t even begin to describe him.

Fuck!