Текст книги "Beautifully Shattered"
Автор книги: Courtney Kristel
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Текущая страница: 11 (всего у книги 31 страниц)
Kohen: How old is the birthday boy going to be and what should I get him?
Me: 28 . . . I am so the wrong person to ask.
Kohen: You do know you’re his sister, right? Who better to ask than you?
Me: I suck at giving gifts so if you want to get him something then you have to come up with it all on your own C:
Kohen: You couldn’t suck at anything if you tried, but fine, thanks again for all the help.
Me: Welcome!
Kohen: Night Adalynn xoxo
I can’t help the little chuckle that escapes when I read his last text. XOXO. So cheesy and high school, that I wrinkle my nose.
Chapter Eleven
Since the incident at Kohen’s work, we’ve become a lot closer. I still haven’t opened up to him about my past, but I make up for it by telling him about everything else. If he’s proven anything in this past month, it’s that I can count on him. To move our relationship forward, I’ve let him spend the night during the weekends. I don’t know why we haven’t had sex yet. Whenever we get hot and heavy, I always end up stopping it. I love that every time I do, he doesn’t get mad at me or even say I’m a tease. He just pulls me in close and holds me all night.
Kohen is the only one who knows what I have planned today. It still amazes me that he was able to get me an interview. One night I told him that I wanted to do something with my business degree and the next day he’s selling me on anyone’s dream job. It’s something that Logan would want me to do; he’s never said it, but I don’t think he approves of my current job. He will be thrilled if I can land the interview at Malcara Enterprises. I might be accomplishing his dreams today. For the life of me, I can’t muster the excitement I should be feeling. I almost feel numb; I’m at the point between numb and feeling everything all at once. My heart races as I decide on the perfect interview outfit.
After pinning my hair into a knotted bun, I apply minimal make-up. Gazing at myself in the mirror, I untie the sash of my robe and let it fall off my shoulders to the ground. I slip into my white sheath dress and then slide my arms through the sleeves of my black blazer. Not a strand of hair is out of place, my lips bear a glossy shade of light pink lipstick, my violet eyes are accented with only mascara. I appear to be well put together, perfect.
As I sit in the back of a cab, I check the time to make sure Logan’s in his morning meeting. I wait an extra five minute before I call Logan’s assistant, so he can inform my brother to meet me at Liv’s, instead of picking me up. If my overprotective brother knows that I’m on my way to an interview, it will be more than my nerves I’m worrying about. Adding Logan’s would be too much for this opportunity, that arose thanks to Kohen.
Before I know it, the elevators open and I’m walking across the overly polished floor to the office of my hopefully soon-to-be boss and owner of Malcara Enterprises, William Malcara. If I can land this interview, I will be an assistant for the second largest marketing firm in the US. The first is Trinity. I square my shoulders back as I enter the impressive office, every step feeling as if I’m following my brother’s footsteps instead of my own. I can’t even think about what my own would be right now because I need to land this job. I need to prove to everyone that I’m not a kid anymore.
A receptionist ushers me down a corridor and introduces me. Mr. Malcara stands as I reach his desk. I shake his hand like my dad taught me. A firm handshake will go a long way in the business world, was his mantra when I was growing up. He looks as if he’s in his early twenties, but I know he’s in his late thirties from the internet.
“Have a seat, Ms. Maxwell.” He directs me to the chair in front of his desk.
I hide my surprise that we’re not moving to the conference style table to the left of his office. That’s where my brother would hold an interview, Connor too. Jax wouldn’t have bothered inviting them into his office. He would have them shown to the actual conference room.
“Thank you, Mr. Malcara.”
My eyes scan the room and I notice that he is very much in love with his wife. Pictures of her, and of them together, fill his office.
“Can you tell me why you would want to work for me instead of your brother?” He gets straight to the point.
I was prepared for this question. I knew he would recognize my last name from his competitor. I get straight to the point. Mr. Malcara doesn’t seem like the type for bullshit. I like that.
“If I wanted to work for my brother, all I would have to do is ask. I want to work somewhere where I can prove myself instead of being the owner’s sister. Here, I can flourish and make something of myself. I can be an asset to your team. Working at Trinity I couldn’t do that, and frankly I’ve never wanted to work for him.”
He rubs his clean-shaven chin. “You have no experience in the industry except the internship you completed in college. Why should I choose you over any of the other candidates?”
I feel as if I’m going to battle for a job that I don’t think I really want. I don’t back down, though. If I want to prove myself to everyone, I need to start with him.
“I know the ins and out of this business. I may not have the experience that the other candidates will bring to the table, but I can bring knowledge and my willingness to learn. I can strive here, learning everything you teach me.”
He almost smiles. “Doctor Daniels is a dear friend of mine and my wife. He is the reason why you have this interview. He spoke very kindly of you, that you will succeed working here, given the chance. Your chance is this interview. Wow me, Ms. Maxwell.” He hands me a piece of paper.
There’s a brief description of the company, its products, sales, and inventory. As I study the information in my hands, I know immediately I can do this.
“You have three minutes,” he adds in a bored tone.
I only need seconds. It’s numbers. Numbers I can work with. I set the paper back on his desk and stand. “I’m ready.”
He waves his hand for me to start. I explain to him that the lingerie company is not utilizing the custom creations as much as they should. It’s brushed over, not their focal point. It’s something that gives them an edge compared to their competitors. They need to focus on growth as their one salon brings in more than enough to expand to another store. I spend another minute explaining their strengths before I give him my closing line.
“The market is there, they have done well this year. With numbers like that, I can see them expanding globally. They will have to want it, though.”
“Interesting.”
I almost deflate because I thought I nailed it, but then he smiles his first smile since I walked in.
“Everyone else needed ten minutes or more to point out what you noticed within seconds. I think Kohen was right about you, Ms. Maxwell.” He stands up and offers me a tour.
“This will be your office,” he says with a wave of a hand.
My office consists of a large desk, an empty bookcase that takes up the entire right wall, and two chairs in front of the desk. It’s small but perfect. The walls are all glass, making it appear both larger and smaller at the same time. I don’t have time to think about privacy because he’s leading me out of my office and over to Human Resources. He points out my co-workers. Only one, a tiny redhead, looks up from her computer long enough to wave to me. Everyone else nods in my direction.
After an hour and a half of paperwork, my hand cramps. It isn’t until after I talk to my boss Sam at the bakery, that I’m actually excited about my new life change. He isn’t mad that I’m leaving. If I ever want a job all I have to do is ask. Now, I can actually say I’m looking forward to tell my brother and Liv. As the cab idles at the curb of her building, I have to stop myself from running into her office and gushing to Logan that I have a grown-up job. He can’t treat me like a kid any longer.
My nerves reappear when I see Logan on his iPad in the waiting room, ignoring his surroundings. I wonder how he’ll take the news. I don’t want to fight with him. Hopefully he will see me as an adult and I can convince him that I don’t need him taking care of me anymore. Yeah, that will go over well.
I patiently wait for him to notice my presence. By patiently, I mean tapping my foot of course. When that doesn’t work to get his attention, I clear my throat. I’m rewarded with him setting down the iPad.
“Are you going to ask me why I’m excited or not?”
“I’m assuming your good mood is why you changed up today’s schedule.”
Barely taking time to breathe I say, “I had an interview and you are now looking at the new assistant at Malcara Enterprises. I already put in my two weeks at the bakery before heading over here.”
He leaps to his feet within the next breath. “You can’t accept a job from me, but you’re working at Malcara Enterprises? I wouldn’t have you working as an assistant.” He spits out assistant as if it’s a bad word.
I may not really want this job, but I’m proud that I landed it, especially since I have no experience. I nailed the interview. I knew Logan wouldn’t be thrilled, but I thought he would at least pretend to be happy.
“I thought you would understand. I thought this is what you wanted. You’re the one who wants me to have a real job.” He opens his mouth, but I talk over him. “Working at the bakery wasn’t good enough. Now being the assistant of William Malcara isn’t good enough. What will be good enough for you, Logan?”
Two other patients and the receptionist eaves drop. I’m making a scene, but I don’t care. I’m tired of him controlling me. If I was more level headed, I would stop, but I can’t. I thought this would make him happy, maybe eventually I can be happy working there until I figure out what I really want to do. I want to do something with my life that I’m passionate about, but I’ve yet to find it.
“I just want what’s best for you. If you want a job, you have one. You can work with Connor and learn firsthand what he does to keep our company striving.”
I put my hands on my hips so he knows I’m serious. “I don’t want to work for you guys. I see enough of you three as it is. I want to succeed on my own.”
He mocks my stance. At 6’5’’ to my 5’4’’, he’s much more intimidating with his hands on his hips than I am.
“I want you to succeed, too. Work for Trinity, Adalynn.”
“No. I’m working for Malcara.” I shake my head at whatever argument he’s going to start. “Just be happy for me, Logan. I nailed the interview and landed a job at the best marketing firm.”
“Second best.”
I groan. My overbearing brother can be hard to handle sometimes. I cross my hands over my chest waiting for him to say something else that will dampen my mood. After a beat, Logan engulfs me into a hug.
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” He bends his knees so were at eye level. “I just want you to be happy. If working for Will or even for Sam will make you happy, then I want you to do it.”
I nod.
“I’m so proud of you, Addie. I’ll call the guys and we can celebrate tonight!”
My tight smile fades when I hear “the guys.” As much as I want to celebrate, it will crush me if Jax doesn’t show. He’s been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. He hasn’t missed a big event yet, and I don’t want this to be the first.
“No, no, don’t. Let’s not make a big deal or anything until I actually finish a work week.”
His phone is already in his hand and he’s typing away, but he pauses to look at me. I need to think of something, fast.
“I mean, we’re already playing poker tonight at Connor’s so you can get me a cupcake or something to hold you over for two weeks.”
Before he can say anything, I’m called into Liv’s office. I fight the urge to give the receptionist a high five. Perfect timing as always. I nod so she knows that I’ll be there in a minute before facing my brother again.
“Can we please not make a big deal out of this?” I give him the sad doe eyes.
He sighs dramatically as if I just asked for him to hand over the world to me. “Fine, you win. I won’t make a big deal about it . . . yet. I’ll see if Jax can change his plans tonight so we can have a small celebration.”
I fidget with the strap of my purse. “I thought you said you’ll wait?”
“I’ll wait to throw you a real celebration, but there’s no way in hell that we’re not acknowledging this with a small one. This is a big deal, sis, even if you are working for the enemy.”
He puts his arms on my shoulders and forcibly turns me toward the office door before I can say anything else. Perfect timing on his part because I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to keep my pain masked by a fake smile. I know without a doubt that Jax won’t be there. Even though this is something that I should have gotten used to by now, it’s still impossibly hard. Will I ever get used to not seeing Jax? Will I ever be okay with him blowing off big events like this? No, I highly doubt that anything involving Jax will get any easier.
I sit down on one of the white couches in Liv’s office and wait for her to start. Hopefully today will be one of those days that she occupies my mind with questions so I can stop thinking about Jax. I’ve been doing pretty well at keeping him out of my thoughts unless someone brings him up. Now I can’t stop thinking about him, of course.
My mind is everywhere else but Liv’s office. I barely can come out of my own depressing thoughts to tell her about the new job. I vaguely recall her telling me she’s proud and knows that I will do great. Oh, I guess I did tell her, go autopilot me.
“Want to tell me what’s going on in that head of yours?”
“Do I really get a choice?”
She doesn’t bite. Not that I thought she would, she never does.
“Usually when you come in, I either have to pull teeth out of you to get you to talk or you’re pretty forthcoming, it’s always one or the other. I don’t usually get the side of you when you’re not really here. Well, not anymore.”
“The way you describe me makes it appear that I have multi-personality disorder.”
She ignores me. I fake hurt; my joke was pretty funny. I even used a psychology term and everything.
“What’s going on? I thought you would be excited about the new job, but you look like someone just kicked a puppy. Are things with Kohen still going strong? Have things not gotten better with Jax?”
Deciding to just lay it out there for her I say, “Things with Kohen are good . . . well, great, actually.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s just something Logan said right before I walked in that I can’t stop thinking about. Which makes me wonder if things are actually good with Kohen, or if I’m just pretending without even realizing it. I’m so used to pretending all of the time, I guess it gets harder to distinguish between what’s real and what’s an act.”
I pick at my perfect cuticles. “I’m happy about the job. It shows that I’m ready to get my act together and do something with my degree. I just . . . I don’t know.”
When Liv doesn’t say anything, I stop examining my nails and find her staring at me.
“I’m going to guess the thing Logan said has something to do with Jax?”
My silence is enough of an answer. She knows about my past with Jax and the recent time we slept together. She knows everything.
“I don’t think that you’re pretending with Kohen, but only you can answer that question. From everything you’ve told me, and how I’ve seen you come alive lately, I know that Kohen has a lot to do with that. You have unresolved issues with Jax and until you get closure with him, you will always second guess yourself with Kohen.”
I wait for her continue, but she doesn’t. So typical. Something about the way she said closure rings true. I just don’t want closure with him, it’s so final.
“Really? That’s all you have to say? That doesn’t really help me out here. Obviously I’m aware I have unresolved issues with Jax. I thought he was ready to let me in, but I haven’t talked to him in almost three months. How can I possibly get closure?”
Ugh, I feel like screaming in frustration. Instead I act like the adult I am and not the child I wish I was sometimes, just so I could get away with screaming at the top of my lungs.
“I like Kohen, I really do. I love how honest he is with me and how he makes me feel. I just wonder if it’s okay to be with him when I secretly have feelings for Jax. It’s just that I-I don’t know . . . I’m so confused.”
She nods, causing a strand of her honey colored hair to fall into her face. She swipes it behind her ear, displaying a beautiful wedding ring. Absently I play with my empty ring finger. I’ve noticed her ring a million times, I’ve never once felt anything towards it. Marriage is something I don’t deserve. I haven’t imagined sharing my life with anyone in a long time. Even now I can’t picture a man at my side. But as I become mesmerized by her ring, I realize that I’m jealous. Olivia has a life with someone, like everyone else, and I’ll never allow myself to have that. I don’t know how. Do I even want that? Some part of me does, or I wouldn’t be jealous of her. Liv’s voice distracts me and I focus on her elegant white and black wallpaper on the far left wall as she continues.
“If you’re asking if I think it’s wrong for you to see Kohen knowing how you feel about Jax, my answer is no. You’re not leading him on. You two aren’t even ‘exclusive’ from the last I heard. You have nothing to worry about on that. Adalynn, you’re only twenty-three, you don’t need to have everything figured out right now. I don’t even have everything figured out and I’m forty-five.”
As she waits for that to sink in, the grandfather clock’s ticking gets louder, absorbing my every thought. Everything floats away as I begin counting each time it swings to the left. I count all the way to twelve before she continues, capturing my attention again.
“Jax has been a part of your life since you were a little girl. Not having him in your life is going to be hard. You have to remind yourself not to call him when you have exciting news. Maybe it’s time to share some of your excitement with someone else.”
Even though she doesn’t say Kohen, I think that’s who she means. Which makes sense. If I want to take things further when Kohen, I need to rely on him more and not focus on who I can’t count on.
Her hazel eyes plead with mine as she urges, “Don’t shut down again.”
I straighten up and shift into a cross-legged position. “Thanks, that actually helps, and you don’t have to worry, it turns out that I actually like living life instead of pretending all of the time.”
She smiles at me; I don’t return it. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever really smile again. Sometimes I feel like I can, that I am, but then I realize that I was simply pretending. It’s hard to notice the difference. I pick at my nails again, trying to gather my jumbled thoughts.
“I wish that it didn’t hurt so much just to hear his name. When he walked away from me that day at the park, I had no idea that he was walking out of my life. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath since then and I can’t breathe without him in my life. I want my friend back.”
I bite my lip, a method of stalling I’ve always used. I rub my forehead, feeling a headache coming on. The words spill out of my mouth without any conscious thought.
“I’m afraid that if I never get my friend back, I won’t be able to stop pretending. I hate that I count on him so much. I hate that it seems my happiness depends on Jax being in my life. The only time I’m not pretending is when he’s near. Just his presence makes everything better. When he looks at me, really sees me for me, it’s as if he shines light into the darkness of my life, chasing away every haunting memory from my past.”
Thinking about how far Jax is from me makes me want to cry, which of course pisses me off. I refuse to cry over something so stupid. Welcoming the anger to center me, I stare past Liv and out the windows.
“I don’t understand why he’s doing this. He’s put up this wall and I just want back in. I thought after everything we’ve been through together that he would always be here for me. Whenever I tried to run away from anything, he wouldn’t let me. He was always pushing me to be better, to be more than I am, even when we were kids. I just can’t believe he would let that go.”
Liv gets up and grabs a black teddy bear from a chair in the corner. When she hands it to me, I raise my eyebrow at her in question, but take the dumb bear anyways. My fingers roam over the soft fur.
“Squeezing your frustration into him will help.”
“Him?” My lips quirk up into a grin.
“Yes, him. Another patient of mine named him Mr. Bear.”
A unladylike snort escapes me. “Fitting since he’s a bear.”
Sitting back down, she waits for me to continue talking about everything else running through my head. I give the bear a squeeze before I pour my heart out yet again and realize the stuffed animal does indeed help. Go figure.
“I don’t understand how he can treat me like I don’t exist. That I don’t matter. I know he cares about me. I know I mean something to him. If I didn’t, then I wouldn’t be here. He wouldn’t have been the one who found me that night in the pool, saving my life, if he didn’t care.”
I know I’m rambling, but I need to get this out. Liv watches me sit Indian-style with the bear in my lap.
“You never talk about that night you attempted suicide. The only thing I know is from your medical history. Are you ready discuss that night?” Liv studies me.
All of the air rushes out of my lungs. I know I shouldn’t have mentioned anything. Just thinking about how weak I used to be makes me sick. I know that if I take this step and talk about that night, it will change me. I haven’t been able to talk about it . . . ever. I don’t want to be that weak, fragile girl I once was. I want to be strong. I need to tell my story, I need to really open up to Liv, so I can finally move past everything that happened to me six years ago. It’s time I talk about the night I tried to make the pain go away for good, the night I thought I had nothing to live for, the night Jax saved me from myself.
“I remember feeling nothing at all. I wasn’t sad or angry. I just was. It’s kind of like all of the emotions I was feeling since I woke up and Logan told me our family was dead floated away. The only thing I had left was knowing that everything about me that made me me, was ripped away and I was the one solely responsible. I felt like my home had no meaning to me anymore because everything that I held dear was stolen from me.”
I pause, trying to collect myself. It’s crazy to relive how I felt back then, thinking that there was no other option. I never would have believed that I could be here, calmly talking about this. I never thought I would make it this far. I never wanted to. Now? I want to stop feeling emptiness and guilt all the time. I want to stop pretending and be truly happy. I have to believe that it gets better. If it doesn’t? I don’t even want to think about that.
“I knew that I was was never going to be able to ask for my dad’s advice. I wouldn’t be able to lean on my mom as my rock anymore. My little sister died before she was ever able to fall hopelessly in love and live her life. And it was all because of me. I’m the one responsible for all the pain Logan is suffering through.”
As the memories and old feelings come back, I’m pulled from the couch to five years ago. I’m transported back to the pool the night I almost ruined everything.
The distinct scent of chlorine fills the cold air as I near the black gates. As I open them, I fill my lungs with my second favorite smell in the world. I gaze around to the water that brought me nothing but peace, up towards the white and red flags that made me feel like a champion, and all I feel now is despair towards the one thing that I cherished most in my life. It makes me laugh. It’s a sound that I’m not accustomed to hearing, nor is it the sound my laugh used to be. Instead, it has a darkened tone to it. It matches my soul, how fitting.
It’s chilly as I sit down at the edge of my high school pool. Putting my feet in the cold water, I instantly feel at ease. I’m finally doing the right thing for once in my life. I grab the bag of pills from my pocket, emptying the Norcos and muscle relaxers into my hand. The pills take up the entire space of my dainty hand. I try to remember why I’ve fought this for so long. I come up blank.
I watch the moonlight reflect off the water, the way it ripples as I move my feet through the Arctic water. Lifting my hands to my lips, I empty the pills into my mouth, and take a long swig of the water bottle beside me. Swallowing them all at once is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I’m glad that I went back to my car for water since dry-swallowing these would have been tougher than taking my tiny birth control pills.
I lay back on the concrete and look up at the stars . . . waiting for the medicine to take effect. The stars shine brighter than usual tonight. The North Star, the one that points you home, mocks me by burning the brightest. I have no home.
After a few more minutes of stargazing, I slowly sit up. My head feels fuzzy. As I stand, I wobble a little while I strip out of my jacket. I stumble my way to the diving board. I’m in my favorite suit. The one my mom bought me when I made varsity freshman year. Taking another deep breath, I step onto the diving board, get into the position that was drilled into me at a young age, and dive into the water for the last time.
I swim one, one hundred, stretching out all my muscles with each stroke. Committing to memory how it feels to have the water glide off of me, how my back tightens before each stoke. Even with my head hazy, I execute the freestyle perfectly. Closing my eyes, I savor every breath because soon I won’t be breathing . . .
I take one final lap and then swim to the middle of the pool. I roll over onto my back and open my eyes to view the night sky. The white and red flags of Harvard-Westlake flap in the cold breeze. They used to bring me happiness, but now they only trigger agony. Every time I’m in the water I think of the last day, their last day, the day I lost everything. The white and red flags are the last thing I see before I allow myself to sink into the depths of the water. I hit the tile floor and blow out the rest of my remaining oxygen from my nose. I remind myself what I did and why I’m here. I’m responsible for my family’s death.
I remember the first time our father, Andy, bought Logan a soccer ball, the first time our mother, Quinn, took me to a swim class, and the first time Hadley had a recital. All of these blissful memories are quickly replaced by the last haunted flashes I have of them, of everything that I lost.
As I watch the last bubble of my air supply hit the surface, I hear Hadley’s screams. I begin to feel lighter as my body floats toward the surface. I don’t fight the darkness this time.
Forgive me, I think before everything goes black.
I’m gasping for breath as if I was thrashing in the water instead of sitting on the couch. I don’t even need to look at Liv to know that she’s about to tell me it isn’t my fault. I’ve heard it thousands of times before. It doesn’t change the truth, no matter how many times I’m told. She tries to rationalize, saying something about survivor’s guilt. I know she’s right, but it’s hard to believe her. I breathe deeply, filling my lungs with much needed air, before I tell her the rest.
“I woke up in the hospital after they pumped my stomach. If Jax didn’t already call 911 before he even made it to the school, it would have been too late.”
Just thinking about how close I was to succeeding makes bile rise to the back of my throat. What would Logan’s life be like if I succeeded? Would his life be easier without me weighing him down?
“I don’t know how he knew I would be there or that I was attempting to kill myself, since I didn’t leave a note or anything. I was admitted into the psych ward once the doctors released me. The rest is pretty blurry.” I welcome the way my chest expands as I gulp a breath of fresh air, centering me.
“I never allowed anyone to tell me what exactly happened when Jax saved me that night.” I admit this as if it’s a dirty little secret.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I vaguely remember Jax visiting me, but the memory retreats as soon as it appears. I’ve blocked the majority of that time; remembering it now seems impossible. It feels like I don’t have all the pieces of the puzzle. I need to talk to Jax. He’s the one that holds all the answers. I just don’t know if I want to hear them. Maybe it’s better not knowing.
I’m thankful that Liv gauges my mood well enough to ask the easiest questions right now. I don’t think I can handle the real ones. Those will be for another day.
“Why didn’t you ask what happened and how Jax knew those things?”
I release my bottom lip when I realize I’m chewing on it. It makes a loud popping sound, breaking the silence.
“I don’t know. I guess I never really wanted to know. I felt so ashamed for how weak I was when Logan was struggling with their absence, too.”
“Logan was dealing with the loss of his family. Not survivor's guilt, at least not to the extent you were, Adalynn. You and your brother were, are, going through two very different things. You both lost your family that night, but he wasn’t there. You are going through the loss of your family and survivor's guilt. You blame yourself, and keep everything that happened that night bottled up. Talking about it will help. ”
I ignore her and focus back on the suicide. It’s too soon to talk about the accident.
“I didn’t want to ask Jax how he knew what was happening, how he found me, and all of that crap.” I wave my hand through the air. “I just wanted to pretend like it never happened.” If only.
Liv waits a second before she gives me the hard blow. “So you wanted to pretend everything was fine instead of dealing with the problem . . . What’s stopping you now? I thought you were done pretending.”
Check mate.
I hate that she’s right, that she’s always right. Sometimes it seems like she knows me better than I know myself. I pat the teddy bear, surprised to find myself clutching him close.
