Текст книги "Beautifully Shattered"
Автор книги: Courtney Kristel
сообщить о нарушении
Текущая страница: 24 (всего у книги 31 страниц)
Chapter Twenty-Six
“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, Addie,” Liv says. “I’m here for whatever you need. If you want to talk about the weather for the next hour, I’m all ears. However, you need to open up to someone. Once you do, you’ll feel better. Maybe not at first, but eventually.”
“Day-by-day right?” I ask, repeating that stupid saying Liv’s always says to me.
She nods. “Day-by-day.”
“I don’t know where to start.”
“Start with whatever you want to tell me.”
Glancing down, I immediately force my finger to stop drawing random designs on my thigh. I wasn’t even aware I was doing that. It’s something that I’ve always done when I’m too stressed out, close to my breaking point. It helps calm me down. Where did I pick up this habit?
I think back, trying to remember the first time I started doing this. I was still swimming because I remember drawing random patterns on kick-boards. So it was before the accident if I was still swimming. Hmmm. I remember crying in the dark and feeling someone drawing on me with their finger.
Jax.
I was crying for Jax. I couldn’t stop picturing him on the floor bleeding because of Wyatt. He didn’t know how to make me stop so he helped me into bed, and drew random things on my back with his finger tips until I fell asleep. He still does it. I get flashes of him doing it whenever I’ve been nervous, scared, or needed him. While I was in the hospital, underneath the table at a charity event, while he tutored me. The flashes go on and on. Then, as if I can’t help myself, I replay every time he would draw on my naked back with a sharpie. Despite everything, he’s still my strength. Remembering our time together helps me open up to Liv about the night that changed my entire life.
“Arguing, I remember arguing with my mom and dad.”
Liv doesn’t say anything. I know she’s giving me time to gather my thoughts and emotions. I’ve never talked about the accident before. For six long years, I’ve been quiet. It has been easier to not relive that night. I wish that with time, the memory had blurred, but if anything it has only gotten sharper.
I can remember every little detail: the pain, the smells, the cries, the emptiness from not being able to do anything but listen to them die. I never once believed I would be able to talk about that night. I promised myself I wouldn’t. I thought reliving that night would kill me. Hopefully I’m stronger than I realized and I can talk about that dreadful night that changed everything without losing myself again.
“They wanted to know something.” I rub my flat stomach. “I can’t remember what, though. I was yelling at them to drop it. It was my decision to keep the secret.”
I close my eyes trying to recall the details of the fight. Something tears at my brain, begging me to let it in. I shake my head, tossing away the painful memory before I can grasp it. I’m choosing to forget something important.
“I can’t remember why I was screaming at them to leave me alone.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
I shrug in answer. I massage my temples and try with everything in me to recall the fight. Jax. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop picturing his face. As much as it’s killing me to not ask Liv, I can’t. I know I’m not ready for those answers yet. Instead I let myself block out something vitally important. I tell Liv as much as I can recall about the fight. Putting the pieces together as I talk, but still having gaps in the puzzle that’s my life.
“I was so mad at them. They told me I had to tell them the truth, or I had to leave. They were going to cut me off until I told them everything. I kept yelling at them because they were being so unfair. They promised they would give me more time. They lied. Hadley squeezed my hand to try to calm me down, but I yanked my hand away and moved from the middle seat to the one next to the window so I wasn’t next to her anymore. I wanted to be left alone. Funny, I got what I wished for.”
I pick up a glass of water and force it down my too-tight throat. I wish I could forget the harsh words I said to my parents, but those words are forever engraved in my mind.
“We were about a mile away from our house when I saw the lights. Everything seemed to slow down but speed up all at once. Hadley was holding out her earphones to me with the most welcoming smile I’ve ever seen, our mom looked like she was crying, and my dad was silent and staring at me in the rearview mirror, trying to get me to look at him. I refused to meet his eyes because I was afraid of what I would see, so I looked out the window at the headlights that were coming in the wrong direction.”
I’m aware that I am drawing patterns on my hand. I wouldn’t be able to stop even if I wanted to . . . I need the calm that Jax brings, like I need oxygen.
“I tried to yell at my dad to stop, but nothing came out. I watched horrified as the lights grew closer and closer. Blinding me. I heard the impact more than felt it. I think I was still in shock and the pain didn’t register yet. I can still hear the sound of my dad’s head hitting the window and glass shattering.”
I hear the sound as clear as I can hear myself breathing. I have the sudden urge to throw up. I swallow the acid rising up my throat. I need to get this out more than anything. The words are spilling out on their own accord without any thought on my part. It’s liberating in the most painful way imaginable.
“When our car went airborne, that’s when the screaming started. Everyone was screaming except for my dad. I still have nightmares of the silence when the car finally stopped in the ditch. Then the ringing started. I tried to cover my ears to shut the noise off because it was so loud and it was hurting my head, but my hands weren’t working. I forgot that we were in a car accident. The smell of rubber confused me because I thought I was asleep somewhere in my house. I knew I wasn’t in my bed, but I didn’t know where I was.
“I kept trying to open my eyes, but every time I got close to opening them, I was out again, only to be awoken by the ringing again. I don’t know how long I was like that until I was finally able to open them. The sight was so horrible that I immediately started to scream. I was in my worst nightmare and I knew no matter how many times I closed and reopened my eyes, the scene in front of me wouldn’t change. My family was dying and there was nothing I could do but watch.”
Not being able to sit still, I head over to the window. A man walks his dog and across the street a couple hold hands as they wait for a taxi. I would guess teenagers. They don’t seem any older than seventeen. Fitting. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was seventeen without a care in the world. Then everything changed. Like everything always does. The worst that could happen had happened and there was nothing I could do but watch. I hated being helpless. I never want to feel powerless again.
That’s why I know no matter how I feel after talking with Liv, that I will be okay. I won’t be fine, but I’ll survive. I’ll keep living, breathing, because they can’t. I won’t just sit back and watch my life unveil before my eyes. I will always be a participant in life. I won’t give up. No more watching. Never again.
With newfound calm, I’m able to step away from the window and sit back down on the couch. I hug the pillow to my chest again. It’s a small comfort that I need right now. I give Liv a small smile so she knows that I’m okay. She’s so patient with me, pushes me when I need it. She understands me. The other therapists didn’t. They always tried to fix me. They never let me realize that I had to fix myself. Nobody can fix me; Liv just helps me see the pieces that are ready to be put back together.
“Do you want to talk some more, or save the rest for another day?” Liv asks.
“Continue. I need to get it out. It’s strange, I never thought I would be able to talk about it, but now that I am, I know I need to get it all out, or I won’t be able to.”
Liv nods in understanding.
“When I realized that screaming wasn’t going to stop time, I tried to get out of my seat to get help. I could see the blood dripping down my legs and onto the floor. My right hand wasn’t working because it was broken and dislocated and my left arm was stuck. It felt like hours until I was finally able to free my left arm. I broke my thumb and three fingers in the process of getting my hand unstuck between my seat and the door. I didn’t even feel the pain. I pushed it all aside so I could reach Hadley. She didn’t stir once. I could see that my mom was starting to come to, so I called out to her.”
The memory is so vivid that I’m reeled back into the past. I don’t fight it like I usually do. I need to relive it one more time to be able to move on.
“Mom!” I yell, trying frantically to unbuckle my seatbelt.
“Add—” she whispers, but stops as if just moving her mouth causes her too much pain.
“I can’t . . . I can’t get out. My seatbelt is stuck! Can you move? Can you see Dad? Hadley isn’t moving!”
“Ad—” She tries again, but stops.
I wait for her to say something else, but she doesn’t. I panic all over again. She’s not stirring. If I lean as far forward as the seatbelt will allow, I can barely see the rise and fall of her chest.
I keep struggling to get free. Each and every time I use my left hand, pain shoots through my fingers and up my arm, causing me to scream as if somebody is stabbing me. I’ve never thought anything could hurt this badly. Tears run down my face, but I don’t give up. I can’t. I need to reach my sister. She’s the only thing that matters. Not the pain. Not the broken bones. Those will heal. My sister needs me.
“Hadley.”
Nothing. Absolute silence.
“Hadley!” I yell louder.
More silence.
My eyelids feel heavy. I know I only have a few more seconds before sleep takes over. I fight it, fearing that if I close my eyes now, I won’t be able to open them again. My mom’s voice is the strength I need to keep my eyes open and keep fighting.
“I’ll always love you my sweet beautiful girl. I-I—”
“Don’t talk, Mom. Save your strength. I know you love me. I love you so much. I’m so—”
“You have nothing to be sorry for . . . Be the person that I raised . . . I’m so proud of the woman . . . that you’re becoming.”
She starts coughing, the kind of coughing that sounds like she’s choking. The sound alone makes my heart stop. It’s the red dots flying on the dashboard that have me screaming in terror. Blood. My mom is coughing up blood and the only thing I can do is sit here and watch her suffer.
When she finally stops coughing, she speaks again. I know that this is the last time I will ever hear her voice. With each word, I can tell how much pain she’s in and how much effort she expends to say words that most people take for granted. Nobody ever realizes how much they take for granted until it’s too late. Even words.
“Hadley will . . . need . . . you. Be strong for her. Tell Logan . . . how much I love him. Never forget . . . how much I love . . . you three.”
“Mom!” I cry.
“Shh you’ll . . . be . . . fine without . . . me sweetie.” She whispers so quietly I barely can hear her.
“Mom, don’t. I’m so sorry!”
I start screaming again. I scream for her to say more, but she never does. I stare at her unmoving body. I don’t know how much time passes until I finally break. My mom is gone and it’s all my fault.
“I blamed myself the instant that my mom died. I watched her die. Slowly and painfully and there wasn’t anything I could do. I silently promised that I would take care of Hadley. I failed. I failed all of them.”
“You used past tense. You usually use present tense. Do you not blame yourself anymore?” Liv asks.
I’m too shocked to speak. I did use past tense. I meant what I said. I blamed myself. I don’t know if I still do or not. It’s hard to accept change when I’ve believed for the past six years that I was responsible for the crash. I always thought I was too weak to save them. If only I was stronger. If only I was able to reach my phone sooner.
“I felt so weak. I still do sometimes. I kept telling myself to stay awake, but I couldn’t even do that. Every time before my eyes closed, I didn’t know if they would open again. I was glad. I didn’t want to be in a world where they didn’t exist. Then I would think of Logan and I would feel so guilty. Guilty that I wasn’t strong enough, guilty that I was giving up. The list was never-ending.”
Liv waits for me to get everything out. My heart hammers so hard that I’m sure it’s going to beat out of my chest. I have to finish reliving that night. I don’t know why or how, but for some reason, I feel like I will be better once it is all over. With each word I say, I feel lighter.
“I was losing hope. I knew it had been hours since the accident and still nobody came. I kept thinking that the person that hit us was just getting help. I knew she wasn’t. I hoped that she was in worse pain than I was. The pain I felt from the accident was nothing compared to listening to my mom die and knowing that my dad had been dead the moment his head hit the window. I couldn’t see him to be sure, but I never heard anything from him the entire time I was trapped.”
I drink the ice water in front of me. My throat tightens again. Either from talking too much without pause or because of the horrible story that is my life.
“The only small sliver of hope I had was that one of the passing cars would see our car or hear my screams. I had to have hope because of Hadley. I could see her breathing. Even though it looked like each breath was causing her pain, it still gave me hope. Whenever I was lucid enough, I would call out her name. She never responded. I would watch her breathing and match my breaths with hers. If she was going to die, I wanted to die with her.”
Just remembering feeling so lost, so alone, sends me back into the car.
Something flashing catches my attention right before sleep takes over again. I blink the fuzziness away and use my broken left hand to wipe blood from my eyes. I don’t need to feel the cut on my head to know I’m in bad shape. I’m losing a lot of blood. I see another flash and hope blossoms again in my chest. Help is here.
Finally.
I start to close my eyes when another flash catches my attention. That small feeling of hope vanishes as quickly as it came. Nobody is here. Nobody is going to save us. It’s my phone.
Phone!
I try to move towards it, but my feet aren’t responding. I can’t even feel them. I haven’t been able to feel them since the car hit us. I haven’t even thought of them because I didn’t feel anything.
Panicking all over again, I force myself to concentrate on moving my feet. I have to be able to move. If I can get out of here, I have to be able to walk to the road. I see Hadley stir right before she lets out a whimper that will forever haunt my soul.
Hadley needs me.
I give up on moving my feet. They’re not listening to me and it’s wasting my time. Time is not on my side right now. I search everywhere around me, trying to think of a way to get out of my seatbelt.
The flash goes off again, alerting me to a new text. It’s exactly what I needed. That little flash lit up my surroundings, allowing me to see my swim bag. I know I have nail clippers in there. I always keep one in there for water polo. I’m thankful that I never get around to taking it out when polo season ended and swimming started.
Biting my lip to keep from screaming, I reach over with my left hand to grab it. Pain shoots through both arms and I bite down harder. Blood fills my mouth from biting too hard and I let out another scream.
I wrench the bag onto my lap. Every cell in my body tells me to close my eyes, the pain will go away if I close them. I can’t. I need to cut my way out of here.
With agonizing slowness, I cut my seatbelt with my nail clippers. I’m forced to use my right hand since my left can’t grip the clippers. My shoulder howls at me to stop. To take a break. Tears gush down my face while I whimper in pain.
A lifetime goes by before I’m almost free. I turn my head towards Hadley again. Her slow breathing keeps pushing me when everything in me is insisting that I give up. I won’t give up on her. She needs me.
My blood blinds me as it spills into my eyes and down my face. I blink the blood away, and focus on my seatbelt. I exhale when I realize I’m done. Using my left hand, I tear the last few threads apart.
I’m free.
Moving quickly to my sister, I check her pulse. I need to make sure I’m not crazy and I wasn’t imagining her breathing this entire time.
Thump . . . Thump . . . Thump.
It’s there. Faint. But there. I’ll settle for faint over nothing.
“Hadley, open your eyes. Please. Open your eyes for me. We’re gonna be okay,” I plead with my unconscious sister.
I search for my phone on the ground. The rain has stopped and it’s gotten lighter outside so I can make out shapes on the floorboards.
“We were out there all night. Nobody noticed. My entire world was falling apart and everyone kept going about their lives. All it would have taken was one person! One person to see us and things could have been different.”
“You’re angry at the world because it kept spinning while your world stopped.”
Liv doesn’t say it like a question. She knows that’s how I feel. I’ve said it before during therapy, countless times. I answer her anyways.
“Yes.”
I now know how impossible it was for someone to see us that night. Our car veered off the hill and it was pouring. You had to have known that the accident happened to have seen us. The driver who hit us, Emily Hayes, could have gotten help, but she didn’t. Instead she drove home and died from internal bleeding. Her reckless driving killed my family. I hope she suffered unimaginable pain.
Finally, at sunrise, somebody, somehow, noticed our car and called the cops. He didn’t even stop long enough to see if anyone was inside. He drove away thinking he did a good deed.
I wish I could say that I’m thankful for that unknown man, but I can’t. Yes, he called the cops and that’s why they came to the scene. But I’ve always wondered “what if?” What if he got out and searched our car? Would things be different? Would Hadley still be alive?
“I’m gonna get us out of here. I promise,” I vow to my unconscious sister.
Spotting my cell phone on the floor, I reach down to grab it. Relief comes and just as quickly as it disappears. Dead!
I laugh at the absurdity. Everyone always reminds me to charge my phone in case of an emergency. I never do. I always forget to charge it until it’s dead. Now I need my phone because of an emergency and it’s dead. I can’t stop laughing even though it causes pain in my chest. I’m losing it.
The phone slips from my grasp when I hear Hadley sob.
“Had?” I ask timidly, afraid I’m losing my mind and I’m hearing things.
“Ads?”
Despite everything going on, that one word makes me smile.
“It’s gonna be okay. I’m gonna get us out of here.”
She barely manages to nod. She is unrecognizable with blood and bruises covering her skin. She looks so tiny and afraid. I need to do something. I need to get us out of the car. I don’t know how I’m going to get us out since I still can’t feel one of my legs. My right leg has started throbbing, which is good. If I can feel it, then that means I should be able to move it soon.
I calculate ways to get us out of the car and to the road. I come up with nothing. I know from countless CPR classes that I shouldn’t move her in her condition without proper equipment. I will crawl to the road if I have to. Drawing a deep breath, I try to wiggle my right foot. I scream in pain when it cooperates. I lean over and kiss Hadley on the forehead.
“I love you. Be strong. I’m going to go get help.”
She doesn’t respond, not that I thought she would. She hasn’t made any other sound since she whimpered my name. The only way I know she is still alive is from her shallow breaths. I don’t have much time.
With all my strength, I crawl over the center console, dragging my left foot. I bite down on my tongue, trying not to yell. My voice is already raspy. I need to save it for when I reach the road.
Turning my head, I see my dad. I wish that I closed my eyes so that I wouldn’t have the image of glass shards through his face forever imprinted in my mind. Needing to make sure that this is real, my dad is really gone, I touch the side of his neck.
This is real.
This is my life.
My dad is dead.
My mom is dead.
Hadley and I will die too if I don’t get us help.
As much as it kills me that I have to shimmy over my dead mom, I have no choice. It’s the only way out. I close my eyes as I do it. Every cell in my body begs me to stop. I can barely breathe through the pain, but I don’t give up. I can’t.
My hand grazes the door handle and I shout in relief when I tumble to the ground. I drag my body through the mud on my hands and knees. I let out the scream I’ve been holding in. It hurts. The pain is unbearable. I shut my eyes for a second when nausea hits. I try to take deep breaths through my nostrils, but I can’t suck in any oxygen. My chest is on fire.
I panic. This is it. I’m going to die on the wet ground before I have a chance to get help for Hadley. Each tiny breath feels like I have a truck on top of my chest, constricting my airway.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t open my eyes.
The pain is starting to drift away . . . like me.
I’m panting, I need air. I try to stand, but my legs won’t obey. I rock myself back and forth on the couch and struggle to suck in oxygen. I’m going to suffocate. Dizzy, I’m vaguely aware that Liv has crunched down in front of me. I breathe in time to her. It works. After a few more deep breaths mimicking Liv, I’m finally able to breathe on my own.
I’m walking towards the window before I realize that my legs are moving. I look out but I don’t see anything. My mind is elsewhere. All I see is rain and blinding lights. Something I shouldn’t be seeing since the sun is shining.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
“Why do you feel like you have to apologize?”
I know she is hinting at more. She knows that I’m not apologizing for my freak out even though I feel like I should be. I’m saying sorry for so much more.
“For everything.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” she says.
“Of course it was! I’m the one responsible! If I wasn’t fighting with them, my dad would have been paying attention! I said things that I can never take back! I ruined everything. I killed them. I killed them. I killed them.”
“You weren’t the one who fled an accident. You weren’t the one who decided not to call the police to inform them what happened.”
“I know!”
“Then why do you blame yourself? You didn’t force that woman to drive away.”
“Emily.” I snap. “The drivers name was Emily Hayes.”
Silence descends. Liv waits until I unclench my fist before she continues.
“You’re not Mother-Nature. You didn’t ask for the rain that night. You were mad and expressed yourself. You said things you didn’t mean. They knew how you really felt, they knew you loved them. You aren’t the cause of the accident. You didn’t kill them.”
“I know,” I admit, surprising us both.
I test that word over and over again in my head, looking for doubt. There isn’t any. I didn’t kill them. I didn’t kill my parents. I didn’t kill my little sister. I chant those words over in my head till they blend together. I feel lighter. I can breathe easily without the guilt of killing my family hanging over my head.
Liv has a huge smile on her face as if she can read my mind. The pain is still there, but it’s a different pain from what’s been there for the last six years. The pain I felt for blaming myself was all-consuming. I couldn’t deal, so I shut everyone and everything out.
I don’t feel like that anymore. The pain of knowing that they are never coming back is there, but I am able to breathe. I don’t want to be that girl anymore, that isn’t really here because she lost her family; I want to be that girl who makes her parents proud.
I’ve been wanting happiness for awhile now. I’ve been trying. I’ve been convincing myself that I was happy, but I don’t think I truly was until now with the weight of the guilt finally off my shoulders. I’m not carrying that burden anymore. I can’t fight the smile that plays on my lips.
“Acceptance.”
“What?” I ask, confused.
“Acceptance. You’ve reached acceptance, Addie. That’s what you’re feeling right now.”
I test the word out for myself, “Acceptance.”
After gathering my purse, I turn and give Liv a hug. I don’t say anything. She has helped me so much. I don’t know where I would be without her. Yes I do, I would still be pretending, most likely. Living without actually breathing.
I walk out without another word. I spot my brother in his usual seat waiting for me. He stands as I approach him. I wrap my arms around him. My rock.
“Thank you for always being here for me even when I try to push you away. I’m sorry that I shut down and lost myself. You didn’t deserve that. You lost them too and had to deal with losing me even though I was still here. I love you Logan,” I say into his chest.
Logan is speechless. I can see that he is trying to rein in his emotions.
“I know how much you want to be here for me. But right now I need to be alone. I just have to get my head on straight. I promise I will see you before you leave tomorrow. Just . . . I . . .”
“You got it, baby girl.” He kisses me on top of my head. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I smile at him before I leave. I walk around for what feels like hours, but I have no sense of time. I wander the streets of New York without a destination. I keep replaying the word “acceptance” in my head. Is it really this easy? Am I just pretending or am I really better? I know I can’t be that girl I was before the accident. I’m still me, though. Just a different version of myself.
I’m going to continue getting better for the four lives that were lost that night; my dad, my mom, my little sister, and me. I died that night. They were able to bring me back, but I lost something that I can never regain. That piece of my soul, that has forever changed the person that I am, died that night.
A laugh that I will know anywhere snaps me back to reality. Please, please be wrong. I know without a doubt that I’m not. I see a man’s back against a brick wall while a leggy blonde sucks on his neck. I can’t see the man’s face, but I don’t need to see it. I can tell from his unruly hair, the muscles showing through his custom suit, who he is. It’s Jax.
Glancing around, I realize where I am. I’m standing a block away from Jax’s apartment building. Of course I am. Where else would my legs carry me?
I stand still, unable to move or look away. I hear him tell me how much he loves me in my mind while some blonde whispers in his ear, causing him to laugh and shake his head. I want to scream at her to get her slutty hands off him, but I don’t. I freeze, mouth open, while the man that I love lets some tramp have her way with him in the middle of the sidewalk.
I thought the pain of Jax’s rejection was the worst thing that he could do to me. Now I’m not so sure. Seeing him with her floods the pain of losing him back to the surface again. Instead of the heart-shattering pain from before, I’m fucking furious. Especially when I see who the slutty blonde is.
She’s the troll from the bathroom who was considering dyeing her hair based on Jax’s preferences. As if they can feel my staring at them, they both turn their heads my way. The troll looks amused while Jax pales. Good.
Not needing to witness what happens next, I turn around and run away. Jax shouts my name so I run faster. I’m thankful that I wore flats instead of the wedges I pulled out of my closet. The would have made my escape impossible.
I’m about to reach the corner when I’m jerked to a stop. All my anger from not being enough from Jax rises to the surface, and seeing him with the blonde troll pushes me one step closer to losing it. All the pent up anger from not being able to change what happened six years ago makes me lose it. I take all of it out on Jax in the form of a slap.
He releases his tight hold on my wrist as he stumbles back. I’m barely able to keep myself from falling into him. My right hand burns from the force of the blow. I’ve hit him before, but that was child’s play compared to the slap he just received.
There’s an entire imprint of my hand on his left cheek. Good.
“Don’t you EVER fucking touch me again!” I shout.
“Wait, Ads!” he yells after me.
I jump into a cab and scream out my address at the poor driver. I apologize and pretend like I’m not the crazy person he just saw smack some guy on the street. I sigh in relief when the driver veers away right when Jax tries to open the door. I don’t look back even though every part of me begs me to turn around and ask the driver to stop.