Текст книги "Beautifully Shattered"

Автор книги: Courtney Kristel

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Текущая страница: 5 (всего у книги 31 страниц)

Chapter Five

On my third mile through Central Park I slowly allow the memories to roll in. Whenever I let the memories come back it reminds me of the person I once was, everything that I lost, and why I don’t deserve happiness. This is why I continue to put myself through this unimaginable pain, so that I can never forget, so that I can never be happy. I don’t deserve to be happy.

There is only one memory that I can never relive . . . the day I lost everything. Whenever that memory comes barreling through, it feels like I’m in the ocean with the waves crashing down on top of me, the surface always out of reach. I pant, on the brink of collapsing into despair.

I stop running and use all of my energy to push that memory away. I can taste metallic even though I haven’t cut my mouth . . . the memory is that strong. Breathe in . . . out. Bending at the knees, I take slow calming breaths. When the white spots fade from my vision, I run again. The surroundings of Central Park change from pavement to grass; soon it’s as if I’m seeing my old backyard with the swing, and the Olympic-size pool my parents had built for my tenth birthday, to a memory that I’ve repressed for far too long, tugging at my consciousness, reminding me of time I thought was lost . . . a happy time with Hadley.

“What’s wrong, Hads?” I ask my frowning baby sister.

With fresh tears in her eyes she mumbles, “I can’t come to your birthday party.”

“Why not?” I sit down beside Hadley on her bed. I nudge her with my shoulder when she doesn’t answer. “Come on, you can tell me anything.”

“Promise you won’t laugh?” She hiccups.

“Promise.”

She twirls her thumbs. “Everyone is going to make fun of me because I can’t swim.”

A laugh escapes before I can stop it. “Sorry,” I say when she glares at me. “Nobody would dare laugh at you, Hads.” Even though I know she’s lying, I still tell her to put her suit on.

“No!”

God, even at six she’s stubborn. “Come on Hads. We have two hours before anyone gets here. That’s more than enough time.”

“Enough time for what?” she asks cautiously.

“For me to teach you how to swim, obviously!”

She’s jumping off her bed and racing towards her dresser before I can even finish my sentence.

“You really mean it?” she asks as she starts to put on her bikini.

“I can’t have my favorite person not at my party.” Her smile is breathtaking. She’s going to be a heartbreaker when she’s older. I actually feel bad for all of the boys.

“Really?”

“Of course.”

Within an hour, Hadley is swimming better than Ariel the mermaid. I know that swimming wasn’t really an issue since I’ve been working with her on her skills all summer. She was worried that I was going to ignore her; all she needed was some one-on-one time with me.

“Ready for the party?” I ask when it’s obvious that she doesn’t need help at all.

“Can we swim some more before everyone gets here?” Hadley ask as she paddles away from me.

“Of course!” Logan yells before jumping off the diving board to join us.

Dad takes a picture of the three of us in the water. When he sets down his camera, I get a brilliant idea. And by brilliant, I mean hilarious.

“Dad can you look at my finger? I think I have a splinter.”

“From swimming? Doubtful,” Logan says. I wink at him and he catches on immediately.

Logan climbs out of the pool as our dad comes closer to the pool to inspect my finger. Logan circles behind our father. When Dad gets to the edge of the pool, I kick off the wall in perfect timing with Logan.

“Andy!” our mom shouts from the doorway as Logan pushes our dad in.

We’re all laughing when our dad surfaces.

By my fifth mile, I force myself to turn around. Swimming used to be the most important part of my life. At age ten, I knew that I was destined to be a swimmer. There’s some days where the pull to be in the water again is so fierce that I find myself itching to smell the chlorine-filled room, but I’m never able to open the door. I haven’t allowed myself to touch the water, even with my toes, ever since I tried to kill myself five years ago.

Finally reaching my apartment building, I force all of the memories away. I need to face the mess I left up there and hopefully Jax won’t think I’m a total lunatic. As I press the elevator button, I find myself questioning my sanity and Liv’s. Maybe she’s as crazy as I am for thinking I can move on with my life. I can’t even receive Stargazer Lilies without a meltdown. Maybe with time I can prove her right, or I’ll just prove my new theory of us both being out of our minds.

I’m surprised to find Jax pacing my living room. The second he notices me, he rushes to me. Right when I’m about to open my mouth to ask him why he’s still here, I realize that I smell . . . bad. Holy B.O. I need a shower, quick, if I’m going to be around him.

“I need to jump in the shower . . .” I hesitate. I want to ask him to stay, but I don’t have the right to ask.

“I’ll be here when you get out,” Jax says, reading my mind like always.

I return his smile before making a quick dash to my bathroom with the single thought of my Midnight Pomegranate body wash from Bath & Body Works. I smell so ripe there could be a rotting corpse in my apartment and you couldn’t tell the difference. Okay, maybe not that bad, but close enough.

I turn the shower all the way to hot before slipping off my Nikes. It isn’t until my drenched workout clothes are on the bathroom floor that I notice my swollen ankle. Because my mind was absorbed in my memories, I didn’t even realize my ankle was hurting while I was running. It’s not the first time this has happened either and I know it won’t be the last.

Stepping into the steaming shower I welcome the pain from the scalding water and my throbbing ankle. The water burns my skin, turning it a nice shade of red, to the point that I want to yelp, but I hold it in. Instead I force my muscles to relax, enjoying the pain the hot water brings. It’s easier to deal with the physical pain right now than the emotional pain from my memories.

No, I’m not that girl anymore! Disgusted with myself and my thoughts, I quickly adjust the water to a much more normal temperature. I tilt my head back and let the water stream down my back while rubbing my hands through my long hair. I lather shampoo and right as I start to lean into the water again, there’s a knock on the door. I could bang my head against the wall right now. I pretend that I don’t hear him come into the bathroom and continue to shower like he isn’t here. I’m not ready to face him, let alone talk to him yet. What are the chances that he will just go away? Not big.

Once the shampoo is washed out, I squeeze conditioner into my hand and massage it into my scalp. The shower is made of glass, I know he can see me even with all the steam. I’m tempted to ask him to make me forget about everything, but instead I remain silent.

“I got you a cupcake so hurry up or it might be missing by the time you get out.” With that, the bathroom door swings open and he leaves before I can ask him if he knows who sent the flowers.

I rush through the rest of my shower, not because of the cupcake, but because I know it’s time to face Jax. The cupcake is a bonus, of course. I dress in leggings, a cami, and my favorite rose colored sweater of my mom’s. Lifting the soft material to my nose, I inhale deeply. I can almost smell the fresh floral scent my mom always smelled like. For a split second I pretend that she’s here with me and not in a box six-feet under. I’m happy, then the second is gone and I’m back to reality.

Jax is back to pacing my living room again. I clear my throat, ready to explain myself, but Jax’s utterly lost expression stops me. He takes two long strides and then suddenly I’m in his arms. He hugs me tightly. I struggle against his hold; I can’t handle the way he always makes me feel like we have more than friendship. It’s not fair that it can never happen. I keep struggling a pointless battle against his iron-like grip.

Very slowly, about the speed that ice melts off of glaciers, I fall lax into Jax. He never loosens his hold on me; if anything it gets tighter the more I relax into him. He rubs my back in a soothing manner. When I finally mold to him, he picks me up and sits on my couch. He drapes my legs over him in a way that has me practically sitting in his lap.

A few minutes go by in a comfortable silence before I murmur, “I’m sorry Jax. I lost it when I saw those stupid flowers and I just—”

Jax’s large hand covers my mouth.

“I already told you not to apologize. YOU. DID. NOTHING. WRONG.” Sighing Jax runs a hand through his hair. Collecting himself, he says in a much calmer voice, “I get it more than you can possibly understand, Ads. I know who Stargazer Lilies remind you of. I know all of this is too much for you on most days . . . but being blindsided with something like Had’s flowers . . .” His voice trails off as he gets a distant look in his eyes. I know that look, he’s remembering something. I wonder if he’s picturing me setting the flowers onto her grave.

“I didn’t throw them away. They’re in your room . . . where they belong.” He continues to say something to me, but I don’t hear him. I’m somewhere else.

“Stay with me, Ads. I’m here. Talk to me,” Jax begs quietly before pressing his lips to mine. All of my senses come to life, everything disappears but Jax. He brings me back before I’m gone.

“Thank you,” I mumble against his lips. Jax winks. My face heats up. “Not for that. You’re always here for me. So thanks, Jax, for knowing what I need more than I do.” I kiss his cheek. “Thank you for not throwing them away like I would have done,” I whisper into his ear.

Jax holds my hand in his. “I’ll always be here for you, Ads.”

“I know,” I agree because I don’t doubt him. Whenever I needed him most, Jax has always been here. I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it.

“Did you know when Hadley was two, that’s when she first fell in love with Stargazer Lilies?” I ask even though I already know the answer.

“She would always go to such lengths to get her way.”

“That’s putting it mildly.” I surprise us both by jumping off the couch. “I’ll be right back.”

“Take your time.” Jax knows exactly what I’m going to do.

I need to see the flowers that remind me of my dead baby sister. I need to do this. Each step closer to my bedroom, brings me closer to everything I chose to forget. When I finally reach my doorknob, my breathing is rapid. I wish my brother was here. I don’t think I can do this by myself. I’m not strong enough. I can’t move. My knuckles whiten as I firmly squeeze the doorknob.

Jax comes up behind me, his hand covers mine. “You ready?”

He didn’t leave me. “Yes,” I say with a shaky breath.

Together we open the door. Jax holds my hand again. The warmth from his fingers helps center me. As usual, Jax is right. Hadley wouldn’t want me to act like her favorite flowers are a bomb ready to explode. No matter how painful this is, I need to do this. I can do this. I chant in my head.

My gaze instantly goes to the flowers sitting on my nightstand. I have no idea how I missed them when I took a shower. I feel them pulling me toward them. Jax doesn’t let go of my hand while we approach my nightstand.

The pink petals are vibrant against the white backdrop of the walls of my bedroom. Some of them haven’t fully bloomed yet. Hadley’s favorite thing, she would love to watch them grow, to open up. She thought it was magical. The way she view the world was extraordinary. She saw the beauty in everything.

I rub the yellow tentacles in the center of the bulbs, dyeing my finger tips yellow. It’s exactly what Hads would do, just to one of them. Their powerful scent already fills my room with their fragrance. I used to hate that, I always thought these were the type of flowers that needed to be outside. Now it’s as if I have a piece of my little sister back, I don’t want to part without them, without Hadley.

“I’m so proud of you, Ads,” Jax says, breaking the silence.

Without taking my gaze off them, I attempt to lighten the mood. “Now that you got your way and pretty much forced me to face my fears, you can go now. I know you need to get up early for your meeting, and besides, I’m getting kinda sick of seeing your ugly face.”

“Ugly? Me? Come on, Ads, we both know I’m the hottest man on the planet. I have women falling all over themselves just to catch a glimpse of me.”

I try to hold a straight face, but I can’t. “You’re impossible.”

“Ah, but I got you to smile.”

“When are you leaving again?” I quip.

Jax takes my face into his hands. “How are you doing?”

“Better than I thought,” I say truthfully.

“I really don’t want to—”

“Jax, I’m a big girl. I actually don’t need you to look after me all of the time.”

“If I don’t, who will?”

“Go home already,” I say, ignoring his question.

Walking Jax to the front door, I have the sudden urge to keep him here. I don’t want him to leave, I don’t want to be alone. I quickly throw away that thought. I don’t need to spend anymore one-on-one time with him, it just confuses me.

“Bye, Ads.”

I don’t say anything to him as the door closes because I’m afraid that I’ll ask him to stay. Definitely not something that needs to come out of my mouth.

The next day, I wake up and smile when I turn over to see the beautiful Stargazer Lilies on my nightstand. It feels amazing to smile at something that used to bring delight to Hadley without getting stuck in the past. For the first time, I realize there’s a note attached to the flowers. I’m not even a little surprised that I missed it yesterday. Anticipation killing me, I lean over and grab it.

It’s been 3 weeks & I still can’t stop thinking about you. If you feel the same, let’s see where this can go.

–K. D.

He sent me the flowers. Wow, I never would have guessed that. God, I’m such a bitch! I wonder if I should call him to apologize for yesterday, but decide against it. I don’t want to give him the wrong idea. I’m not interested and it’s better for him to learn that now then think he has a chance. Even if Jax wasn’t in the picture —well he’s not technically– I still wouldn’t give him a chance. Sure, I’m attracted to him, what woman wouldn’t be? But it doesn’t change anything. My heart will forever belong to Jaxon Chandler.

I get up and take a quick shower. Taking advantage of the perfect weather, I choose one of my favorite sundresses with a cutout heart on the back and my beige Steve Madden’s to complete the look. I curl a few pieces of my naturally curly hair, apply mascara, add a light coat of rose color lipstick, and I’m ready to go. After retrieving my phone off the nightstand, I pick up Kohen’s note and slip it into my purse.

Deciding to skip breakfast and buy a smoothie, I’m almost ready to leave when I spot the camera bag Jax bought me. Without over-thinking it, I quickly grab it and walk out the door.

Smoothie in hand, I browse at a few stores to buy supplies for Logan’s surprise party. Two hours later, I have everything that Jax and I will need, and much more. I’d rather be overly prepared than realize too late that we’re missing something. I want the party to be perfect for Logan. He deserves it.

After a cab ride back to my place, I drop off the bags in the living room and close the door. I’ll put everything away later, it’s too nice of a day out to be stuck inside. Looking to kill an hour until I meet the boys, I head over to Central Park with my camera bag still in hand.

Cedar Hill is my all-time favorite place in New York. I always come here when I feel like the world is crumbling down on me, so it’s the perfect place for today, even though I doubt I’ll be able to take any pictures. I play with the zipper and remember the first time my dad bought me a camera. He wanted me to try to get into something other than swimming. Apparently it’s important to have more than one thing to love.

If only he could see me now.

With shaking hands, I reach in and grasp my new camera. I have so many mixed emotions right now. I want to remember how I’ve felt being behind the lens, how I share the same passion as my dad had, but I can’t help feeling guilty.

The last time I ever held a camera was the last day I ever saw my family. If I take a picture, I won’t be able to share it with my dad anymore. I don’t know if I’m ready to move on with this chapter in my life yet. The day my dad took me to buy my first camera was one of my favorite times with him. He was able to see that I was missing a creative outlet, even if I didn’t see it myself.

I’m afraid that if I pick up this camera, I won’t feel the same, everything will be different, and I will lose what my dad gave me that day. I don’t want to taint that memory with my demons.

Another fifteen minutes pass before I’m finally able to talk myself into capturing one simple picture. I can take one picture without ruining everything. I stand up and examine the area. I spot a butterfly landing on a flower a few yards away. Bringing the camera up to my face I focus on the scene before me. With a shaky breath, I press the button to forever imprison the image before me. As I view the digital photo, I feel a weight has lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I’ve just found a piece to my soul again.

Without realizing it, I start snapping away. I capture the scenery, a couple holding hands, and an older woman reading a book underneath a tree. I click until the memory card is full. As I put away the camera, my phone rings. Startled, I notice that two hours have flown by and I have several missed calls from Logan and Connor.

Crap, I’m so late. I jog towards the exit to catch a cab.

After sitting in traffic, I’m at the boys’ office in Manhattan with our burgers. I promise the security guards that I’ll bring them cupcakes from the bakery tomorrow before I swipe my ID to access the elevators.

Gloria, Connor’s assistant, stops me from entering my brother’s office. “Hi Addie, Mr. Evans informed me that you will be having lunch in his office today. Your brother will join you two shortly.”

“Thanks Gloria. Have a great day!” I say before opening Connor’s door.

Ignoring the fact that Connor is on the phone, I whisper, “Mr. Evans, your lunch has arrived.”

Connor holds up his index finger, the universal sign for one minute. “Are you the boss or am I?”

I cringe, I know that tone. I feel bad for whoever is on the other line. Giving him a knowing look, I steal two waters for Connor and I, and a Gatorade for Logan from his fridge. Setting them down on his glass coffee table, I open up the bags. I place Connors burger and fries in front of him before drawing mine out of the bag.

“Exactly. So either do what I pay you for or I will find someone else to do your job.” He eats a fry. “Last time I checked, it’s not my problem. It’s yours.”

I shake my head and mouth “be nice” to him which he ignores.

“I expect a copy on my desk by the time I walk in tomorrow morning.” He hangs up without waiting for a response.

“I’m so glad that you’re basically my brother,” I state as he joins me on the couch.

“Me too, if I wasn’t, you wouldn’t have a cool brother,” Connor says with a mouth full of fries. “You know you would love to work for me.”

I ignore his last comment. This isn’t the first time he’s suggested it.

“If you have to say you’re ‘cool,’ you really aren’t.” Connor waves me off and digs into his burger. By dig in, I mean devour. He’s done with his burger before I’m able to take more than three bites.

“Someone was hungry.”

“I may have worked through breakfast,” Connor says with a shrug.

I don’t say anything back. There’s no point reminding him that he has an assistant that can order him breakfast. We’ve had that talk so many times I’m tempted to record myself reminding him how important it is too eat just so I don’t have to repeat the speech. Connor takes being a workaholic to a whole new level. He practically lives out of his office. He has a suite discreetly tucked away to the right of his desk that he uses regularly.

For some reason I think about the note from Kohen that is burning a hole through my purse. I want to get Connor’s opinion on the Kohen thing before Logan comes in because I know my brother will make a big deal out of nothing. I open my mouth to bring it up, but quickly close it. I don’t even know where to start, until now, I haven’t been interested in anyone but Jax.

I thought I didn’t want to see where things could go with Kohen, hence me being a complete bitch to him the other day, but after using the camera Jax bought me, I have a new urge to take Liv’s advice. I need to live again. And it’s not like Jax will be my boyfriend anytime soon. Maybe it’s time to see what else is out there. I fiddle with the straps of my purse, coming up with a brilliant idea. If I have Connor, the man whore, help me, maybe Jax will find out. I wonder if he’ll be grateful that I’m not lusting after him anymore or if he’ll be jealous. I hope for the latter.

When I peek at Connor, he’s already staring at me with his eyebrow raised. I reach into my purse and hand him the note. After reading it, he passes it back to me without saying a word. I swear, he constantly makes me want to give him a high-five in the face! Glaring at him I return the note to my purse.

“Really, you’re not going to say anything?”

He leans back onto to the couch, and stretches his feet in front of him. “What would you like me to say, Addie?”

I could smack him right now. I’m tempted to just drop it and ask Logan. Who am I kidding, that’s not an option and Connor knows it. He’s my only option since there’s no way I can ask Jax. Ha! I’d rather get my brother’s advice. And Logan wouldn’t give me any advice, he would lock me in a tower, away from the much older doctor.

Knowing he’s just going to drag this out as long as possible, I spit out, “Well, do you think I should go out with him or not? You don’t have to be a jerk about it and purposely mess with me.”

Connor doesn’t even have the decency to pretend to be apologetic. “If I don’t mess with you, who will?”

“Can you help me out or what? I’m really confused, I’m kinda out of my element in case you didn’t notice.”

“Okay, okay, Addie relax. You caught me by surprise, I couldn’t help it. I would have been less shocked if the note contained that address to where you hide dead bodies instead of someone asking you out . . . again.”

“Body.”

He frowns in confusion. “What?”

“You said ‘bodies.’ It would be body. As in one body. Yours.”

“Ha ha ha Addie. But in all seriousness, if you’re asking for my permission then, yes, you have it.”

“Really?”

“Yes, Addie you don’t need my permission or even Logan’s. Don’t you dare tell him I said that.” I nod in total agreement. “The question isn’t if you should go out with him, it’s do you want to? Do you want to finally see who else is out there? Or do you want to continue to play head games with a certain tattooed man we know?”

“You know?”

“It’s you and Jax,” he says simply as if it’s the most logical answer in the world. I raise my eyebrow, begging him silently to go on. He does. “Anyone with eyes knows.”

I gulp. “Logan?”

He shakes his head. “I think Logan chooses not to see it because you’re his little sister and Jax is his best friend. But when he does find out, make sure I’m there so I can restrain him.” He laughs. I don’t find the image of my brother and Jax fighting as amusing.

“When did you—” The question dies on my lips as Logan strides into Connor’s office.

His eyes immediately find my camera bag on the floor next to Connor’s desk. As Logan gives me a hug, I can see the questions forming in his head. I’m grateful that he doesn’t voice any of them. As much as I want to tell my brother why I was late, I can’t. I know he will make a big deal out of this and I’m not ready to acknowledge the significance of today. Not yet anyways.

When Logan is almost done with his burger he asks, “Do you want me to pick you up or just send a car tomorrow?” I give him the what-the-heck look. “The Annual Masquerade Ball we always put on, to raise money for rare diseases, it’s tomorrow. The same ball I’ve reminded you about at least once a week for a month now. The same ball that I knew you would forget about, like you do every year.” He mocks exasperation.

How do I forget about this every year? It’s mind-boggling that my brother hasn’t strangled me yet.

I scrunch up my nose. “I didn’t need you to explain yourself, dear brother. I’m irritated that you assumed I forgot again. How could I with you reminding me all of the time?” I think I’m convincing enough, but just to make sure I add, “Oh and not to make a big deal or anything but I already have my dress, shoes, and a mask.” I throw up my hands. “But no big deal or anything.”

As I talk, I realize how much I have to do in such little time.

Logan grunts at my antics. “I won’t even pretend that I’m not surprised, Addie. I thought for sure you forgot like you do every year.” Shaking his head, he addresses Connor. “Well shit, I guess Jax won the bet after all.”

Connor groans as he explains, “Our dear brother here has been making a big deal about how you would forget yet again. So Jax, of course, bet Logan a small sum that you wouldn’t forget. He kept going on and on about how you actually would have your dress and everything by tonight. It was annoying how he was defending your honor and whatnot.”

“What!” I say in mock outrage.

“I’m with your brother on this one, Addie. I can’t believe you remembered. You have the worst, and I mean the worst memory when it comes to planned events.” Connor ties his long shaggy blonde hair into a knot at the back of his head.

“Man, I kinda want to ditch the rest of the day. I do not want to run into that smug bastard,” Logan tells Connor.

“Well, then I guess next time you won’t bet against your sister!” I say.

I can’t imagine how I can possibly get myself out of the hole I’ve dug myself into. There’s no way I can find a dress last minute. Not for an event of this stature. The only option is for the earth to open up and swallow me whole. If I don’t want to be so dramatic, I can always wear my dress from last year. They’re men, they won’t notice . . . I hope.

“Oh shut up. Like you would have bet any differently.”

I don’t have time to listen to them. I have a dress to find. I make an excuse to leave. After giving my brother a hug, I ask, “How much was the bet anyways?”

“I’ll see you tomorrow night, Addie,” Logan says, ignoring me, which only piques my interest.

As Connor gives me a hug he whispers, “Let me know when and where if you decide to take the hot doc up on his offer,” into my ear so only I can hear.

Once I’m in the cab I quickly calculate that I have about six hours and tomorrow morning to find something. This is New York, I’ve totally got this. Will my plan work? Will Connor blab to Jax? Only one way to find out. With that thought, I find enough courage to stick to my game plan and text Kohen.

Me: Hey it’s Adalynn. Sorry about yesterday, let me make it up to you . . . dinner on me?

I get a text back from him within seconds.

Kohen: One condition

Me: And that would be . . .

Kohen: Dinner’s on me. How does eight sound?

I contemplate if that’s enough time or not. Doubtful since I’ll need to jump in a quick shower and reapply my makeup from spending the rest of the day shopping. I’ll need at least an extra hour to make sure I’m presentable for the first date I’ve had in six years. I force myself to stop thinking about that and text Kohen back.

Me: Make it nine and you have yourself a deal ;)

Kohen: Great. See you tonight.

As the cab pulls up to the first store, I hold back a groan. I am in no mood to shop. I have a date to prepare for and I’m in desperate need of at least one bottle of wine to help my nerves. I’ll have more than enough time tomorrow before the ball. With that settled, I close the door and tell the cab driver my address. He doesn’t hold back his grunt of irritation. As he veers into traffic, I call Connor.

“Miss me alr—”

“So I have a date tonight at nine.”

“HOLY SHIT!” Connor says so loudly I have to pull the phone away from my now sore eardrum.

“It’s not that big of a deal. You were the one that told me I should take the hot doc up on his offer.”

He lets out a breath. “Yeah, but I never thought you would. Holy shit,” he says again but in a much more normal tone.

“Am I making a mistake?” I ask after a moment of silence.

Connor doesn’t even hesitate. “Don’t Addie, don’t go there. Don’t talk yourself out of this. Kohen is a great guy, granted I’ve only met him that one time but still. He even asked you out in front of all of us. He gets major points for that.”

My face heats up at the mere mention of how Kohen asked me out in the emergency room hallway. “I’m not talking myself out of it.”

“Tell your bullshit to someone who believes it. You’re going on this date and you’re going to have fun, even if I have to drag you there myself.”

“Well, okay, then, I guess I’m going. Twist my arm, why don’t you.”

Connor laughs. “Seriously, though, I think this is a great idea and I don’t think you could find someone better than the doc. Obviously I’m taking myself out of the equation because that just wouldn’t be fair.”

“Obviously,” I say dryly.

“What about Jax?”

“What about him?” I ask.

“So you’re going with avoidance? Let me know how that works out for you.”

“Connor . . .” My voice dies off. I have no idea what to say to that.

The driver idle at the curb of my building. Connor breaks the silence. “Look, I’ve got to go, but let me know where you’re going, and if you need another pep talk, I’m just a phone call away.”

“This was a pep talk?”

“Yes and you’re welcome. Gotta go. Love you, sis.”

“Love you, too.”

Even though he’s more annoying than not, I still love him with all my heart. All jokes aside, he’s serious when he needs to be and can always make me smile even when I’d rather not.

Hours later, I find myself standing in the mirror, not really remembering how I was able to get ready, but somehow I did. There’s no evidence that I’m nervous; it’s shocking how I’m able to mask my emotions so well and show the world what I want them to see. I want to pretend like this isn’t a big deal, even if I’m freaking out inside.