Текст книги "Beautifully Shattered"

Автор книги: Courtney Kristel

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Текущая страница: 15 (всего у книги 31 страниц)

No, he wouldn’t do this to me . . .

I will never forgive him for this . . .

I hate him . . .

Chapter Fifteen

My entire body tenses, my heart races into overdrive, and I start to sweat. Don’t panic, you could be wrong. He wouldn’t do this to you. I try to convince myself that I’m wrong about my whereabouts. With each word I say in my head, I know I’m not able to fool myself. Even without being able to see, my body recognizes where I am.

I hold my breath for as long as possible to protect myself from inhaling the scent I know is here. I count in my head, wondering the entire time how Jax could do this to me, especially blindfolded. He’s done questionable things in the past, but this is beyond fucked up, even for him.

I get to thirty when I feel Jax move again. My body stiffens even more, but I still don’t say anything. I refuse to breathe. Forty-one, forty-two, forty-three. Jax is out of his mind. I need to leave. Fifty-five, fifty-six, fifty-seven.

My lungs hurt from lack of oxygen. I know I don’t have much time until the inevitable happens. I breathe in deeply, hating him with each lungful of air.

When I have my breathing under control, Jax lowers me to the ground, keeping a hold of me until he’s satisfied I won’t fall. More than done with this blindfold, I start to untie it from around my head. Attempt is more like it, since my hands shake so badly I can’t loosen the knot.

“Calm down, Ads. I’m right here.” He covers my hands with his to stop my maddening movements.

I try to move my hands under his, but it’s useless, he’s too strong, too overpowering.

“Ta-take . . . ti-t-tie . . . off,” I stutter as I concentrate on calming breaths. “Please, Jax, I can’t do this,” I finally manage to spit out after a minute or two.

He removes my hands away from the back of my head and rubs my arms up and down in a soothing gesture. I hate that it works.

Leaning his forehead against mine he says, “Listen to me, I know this is impossible for you, but I also know you need to overcome your fear.”

A dry humorless laugh escapes me. “Me afraid of water? Really, how is that even possible? I know how to swim better than most fish!” I shout.

“You’re not afraid of the water, Ads, that’s impossible for someone like you. You’re afraid of all the memories the water will invoke. You’re afraid of remembering all the happy times.” He pulls me into his arms and hugs me tightly. “You’re afraid of wanting to be in the water, afraid of wanting to swim again, of enjoying it.”

“I hate you.”

“You’re afraid if you get back in the water, you won’t be able to get out and you won’t be able to punish yourself anymore.” I suck in a breath as if he punched me in the gut. “You force yourself to hate the one thing that you’ve always loved because you think it’s the only way to punish yourself for surviving when Andy, Quinn, and Hadley died.”

I punch his chest. “I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!” My voice breaks, but I don’t stop hitting him. He lets me.

My arms drop lifelessly to my sides while Jax holds me to him, rocking us gently. I shake my head as if just that simple act will create a barrier from his words.

“You’re wrong,” I whisper, voice hoarse from screaming.

“Prove it,” Jax says just as quietly against my forehead.

My next breath comes out shaky. My legs tremble. Luckily I’m leaning against the solid rock that is Jax or I would be on the floor. I don’t know how much time passes, it feels like seconds, but I know it’s minutes as I stand in his strong embrace, borrowing strength.

“Fine.”

I feel his smile against my forehead.

Fine? You can’t do this. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Sealing my fate, I open my eyes and blink from the sudden brightness. Once I can focus without seeing spots, I realize that the lights are normal, I was just squeezing my eyes for too long. I stare at my bare feet, needing another moment before this becomes all too real. Oh look, my nail polish is chipped. Yeah, that doesn’t distract me at all. Jax waits by my side while I gain the courage to do something I never thought I would ever consider doing again.

You can still run. No! I’ve been running for the past six years. I need to do this. I’m forced to come face-to-face with my worst nightmare . . . a pool.

My feet move on their own accord, and bring me to the edge of the indoor pool in Jax’s building. There are five lanes, and at least a 15 person spa to the side. It’s nice, it’s also the only time I’ve ever been up here. I usually make an excuse to not join the guys at the pool. They stopped asking over the years. They got the hint that I don’t like being around large amounts of water. Well, everyone except Jax, of course. Speaking of Jax, where did he go?

I scan the area. My mouth falls open as Jax removes his shirt and throws it on a lounge chair piled with two towels. Holy-hotness, I so did not think he planned on us getting in. Okay, maybe I did, hence the minor freakout, but I didn’t realize I’d get in a pool with a half-naked Jaxon Chandler.

I don’t even care when he turns around and sees me drooling on myself over him. It’s impossible to close my mouth. I must look like a coke junkie without her fix. I can’t focus on one particular part of his anatomy. My eyes roam as fast as they can over his body; his muscular chest, down to his defined abs that I’ve mapped out with my tongue, and finally over his long arms covered in tattoos. His artwork is so sexy, especially since you can’t see it when he’s dressed for work. It reminds me of a treasure hunt that I want to explore. I want to find ‘x’.

It’s amazing how he can make all of my problems float away.

Jax struts to me with the biggest shit-eating grin I’ve ever seen. Can’t blame him, though, I would look like that too if someone stared at me how I’m staring at him. I watch the way his muscles move with each step. It’s mouthwatering.

“Are you ready? Or do you need me to walk around a little longer for you?”

“That depends . . .”

“On?”

“If you’re going to give me a little show.”

To my amazement, he turns and wiggles his taut butt for me. I laugh even though the thought of going into the water makes my throat start to close. He knows exactly what he’s doing . . . distracting me . . . it’s working. I force myself to relax and seem aloof.

“Oh please don’t, if I have to watch you shake that big fat thing you call an ass, I may throw up on you again.”

Jax presses his lips together to fight his smile. “Yes, that’s what you were doing, trying not to throw up, not trying to control yourself from throwing yourself at this sexy body.” He points to his rock hard eight pack in case I forgot it was there. I didn’t.

Hesitantly, I follow Jax to the steps of the pool, firmly holding onto his hand. When his foot touches the water, I pull back to stop him.

“I can’t,” I choke out.

Jax gives me the most breathtaking smile. “Yes you can, Ads. Trust me.”

I bite my lip. I can do this. I inch toward him. This is for them. This isn’t for me. Make them proud. I place my shaking hand back into his and take the final step, the first step into the heated water. I’m doing this for me. I close my eyes and relax into Jax. I let him guide me into the warm water. At the second-to-last step, the water reaches my thighs so I gather up my—

“Where’s my dress?” I ask when I realize that I’m not wearing what I arrived in tonight. Instead I’m in one of his button-ups.

When did he change my clothes? How did I just now notice?

“I didn’t want throw-up on my sheets. Plus you kind of smelled.”

What a load of bull. I didn’t throw up on myself. No, Jax had that pleasure. Arguing with him would be pointless, though.

“Thanks.”

I yank the stupid clean, wonderful-smelling shirt to my panty line and continue walking into the pool with Jax.

“You ready?” he asks into my ear. I nod, letting him lead me deeper into the water.

Tears fill my eyes when we reach the middle of the pool, but I quickly squeeze them closed, refusing to let them fall. I will not cry, I never cry. Taking a deep breath, I dive underneath the water with Jax by my side.

Memories assault me so quickly it’s hard to concentrate on a single one. I let go of Jax’s hand and sink the rest of the way to the bottom until I’m at the pool’s floor. I relive the first time I ever saw the ocean, swimming in my backyard, training, and when I would sneak into our pool at night during a rainstorm with Jax.

My hair floats around me. I move my hands back and forth in front of me and smile at the feel of my hands gliding in the water. Suddenly my peaceful moment is broken and I’m pulled to the surface.

“Adalynn, are you okay?” Jax shouts as he runs his hands over my face and down my throat to check my pulse.

I laugh at his absurdness. “Really, you’re checking my pulse? What’s the matter with you?”

I splash him with my feet as I backstroke away from him. I love how easily my body remembers the movements of the strokes, effortlessly carrying me away from him. Jax gives me a puzzled look as he studies me. Then a smile spreads across his luscious lips.

“You were down there for a pretty long time. I didn’t like it.”

“Ah caveman style and everything? You must be serious.” Doing a quick flip-turn, I come up for air a foot away from him. “Relax and enjoy yourself for once, Mr. Always-So-Serious.

Jax looks behind him with that sexy one-eyebrow-raised thing he does and says, “I know you aren’t talking to me like that,” in that bedroom voice of his that sends chills all the way down to my toes.

Treading water, I smirk at him. “What are you gonna do about it?”

I turn over and sprint back to the wall with Jax racing behind me. If I can make it to the wall, I can get out and dive over him. He won’t be able to catch me. I flip over to my back and do two backstrokes. I have more than enough time. I laugh as I reach the wall. This is fun. Before I can pull myself out of the water all the way, Jax captures the back of his shirt I’m borrowing.

Fast bastard.

Jax gets out of the pool after a while and watches me float around in nothing but my bra and panty set. I didn’t see the point of swimming with his wet shirt. I smile up at him. From here I can see that his eyes are the dark shade of green that I love, the one that reminds me of a lion about to attack. I know he won’t, he won’t cross that line with me, not here. It’s bittersweet. I love that we have our friendship back, but I hate that we can’t be more than that.

I’m so grateful that he made me do this, that he pushed me when I was ready even though I didn’t know it. He was right, I was punishing myself for my family’s death. I refused to do the one thing that brought me so much joy. It’s hard to believe that I’ve denied myself this feeling for six long years. Swimming is a part of me, the missing piece that I refused to acknowledge.

I know I will never compete again, that part of my life is over. It left the minute my family died. For the first time since that night, I can honestly say I’m okay with that, I know it will never be the same without them. At least now I know that I can go to the ocean or a pool without having a meltdown. Hmmm. The ocean, I miss it. Maybe I’ll take a trip there soon.

God, this feels so amazing. I could float around all night like this. The memories that I feared would come back never do. The only memories are the happy ones, the ones that I forgot.

I sink down to the bottom of the pool again, one of my favorite places in the world. It’s so quiet. It’s peaceful, beautiful. It’s like everything drifts away while I’m under here. This is the place I missed most of all. This is my happy place.

When I surface, Jax waits at the edge of the pool with his feet in and a towel in his lap. I swim towards him. I brace both hands on the outside of his legs, and peer up at him.

“Thank you for pushing me to remember who I am again and for everything you do for me, Jax.”

His fingers travel over my shoulders. Then, in a move so fast I don’t see it coming, he grips my underarms, lifts me out of the water and sets me on his lap. I go all too willingly. He drapes the towel around my shoulders and rubs it into my skin. Jax twirls a strand of my wet hair.

“I didn’t do anything. This was all you, Ads. You did this. You faced your fear.” He kisses the tip of my nose. “I only helped you realize what you already knew.” He tilts my head up by my chin. “You are the strongest person I know, Adalynn. One day you’ll see yourself how I see you.”

I melt into him. He continues to dry me with the towel, rubbing circles into my back, making me fall asleep.

Stretching my arms over my head, I yawn. My left leg bumps into something warm and solid. My eyes fly open. I don’t see my stars hanging over my bed. I know this plain white celling. Crap! Slowly I turn my head to see a bemused Jax in bed beside me.

“I know, I know I look amazing in the morning, but you don’t have to stare, Ads,” he says as he flexes his arms out in front of him, making his muscles pop.

Man! I can’t catch a break with this guy. It’s so unfair for him to look this good this early. Silently I curse The God. I have the sudden urge to punch his stupid smug grin off his face. I resist, barely. Forcing my gaze away from his delicious pecs that belong on billboards everywhere, I pointedly look him up and down.

Sassily I say, “You know the room down the hall and to the right have a much better view than this one. Maybe next time you could put me in that one.”

“Yeah, I should do that next time. Besides, then I wouldn’t have to fight you off in your sleep.”

My mouth drops open.

“Don’t worry kiddo, I was able to keep you at bay and get some sleep.”

Kiddo? I glare at him. He laughs, finding me amusing. Wonderful.

He gets out of bed and makes a show off striding to his bathroom in just his black briefs. Yup, my mouth is fully agape now. I’m pretty sure there’s now drool on his blanket, but I don’t care.

All I’m able to do is gawk at him dumbfounded as he walks into his bathroom and closes his door. Groaning, I slam my head down, clutch the closest pillow and scream my frustration into it. Jax’s mouthwatering smell hits me unexpectedly, which shouldn’t be that big of a surprise since I’m in his bed clenching his pillow to my face, but it is. I throw the pillow across the room.

Stupid boy.

Stupid tattoos.

Stupid green eyes.

I hear the shower turn on so I decide it’s safe to sneak out before he notices. My emotions run wild, too wild to be around him right now. Everything he has done confuses the crap out of me. One minute I’m nothing more than his best friend’s little sister, the next it seems I’m something more, much more. I can’t deal with this right now.

I open his drawer where he keeps his workout clothes. I steal a pair of basketball shorts, then pull down a black hoodie from a hanger and change. I spot my clothes and shoes from last night on the bench in front of his bed. After picking up everything, I rush out of his bedroom.

I call down to the lobby for a cab so I don’t have to hail one in what looks to be the outfit from a one night stand. After hanging up, I write him a note.

Thanks for last night.

I want to say something more, but I can’t force myself to go through with it. Everything about last night was perfect. Because of his insistent pushing, I have another piece of myself.

After placing the note on the coffee maker, I leave. Just in time, too, because right when I reach the elevator I hear him calling my name. As the doors close, I sigh in relief. I don’t know which Jax I’ll get if I stay. I can’t deal with the cold and distant Jax, especially after last night.

An hour later, I lock myself in my apartment and sag against the door. After a minute of sitting on the floor, I force myself into the living room. I drop everything on my coffee table, grab my phone from my clutch and go into the bathroom for a much needed bath.

I strip out of Jax clothes, and draw the perfect bath, complete with bath salts and oils, in record time. Sitting on the edge of the tub, I go to text Harper. Immediately, I see I have a ton of missed calls and texts. Crap! Hopefully Harper is okay. I frown at the missed calls from Kohen. Using my index thumb I scroll up, up, up, and up some more. Missed calls from him fill my entire call log.

What . . . the . . . fuck . . .

I have voicemails . . . all twelve are from Kohen. I tap my foot as I listen to the first one, hoping he isn’t seriously injured.

Hey babe, just wondering how your night is going. I miss you. Call me when you get back. Okay . . . bye.

The next one is ten minutes later.

Hey still haven’t heard anything from you. Just checking in to make sure you’re okay. Call me if you need anything.

How cute, he’s worried about me which makes me the worst person in the world. While he worried about me, I ended up at the penthouse of a guy that I secretly love. Fantastic, I’m an amazing person. They should make a shrine in my honor. With that sarcastic thought, I press play for the next voicemail that occurred five minutes later.

You and Harper must really be having a great time at girls’ night. Why aren’t you answering any of my calls or returning my texts? I’m worried, please let me know you’re safe when you get a chance. Okay, well I guess I’ll talk to you whenever you decide to call me back. Bye.

I listen to the next one that comes twenty minutes later.

Hey, I know I’ve called a lot, but I’m just worried about you. I wish you would at least text me back so I know you aren’t lying in an alley somewhere. I really hate it when you ignore me like this. Call me when you get this, or the other messages I’ve left.

When have I ever ignored him? Oh yeah, that’s right never. Reluctantly I press play on the next one.

Adalynn, where are you? It’s almost eleven. Are you planning on staying out all night with that girl that you just met? Be safe, please.

Okay, if you’re trying to piss me off it’s worked. Now call me back before I have to go look for your drunken ass. Thanks!

I’m a little taken aback from the last voicemail. I know I could have checked my phone when I was out, but I was having a good time. I didn’t want to be that chick with her hand glued to her phone all night. I hate that chick. Plus, I didn’t know he would be so worried about me. It’s not like I was going out by myself or that I was in a sketchy area. Whenever I do call him, I need to explain that it’s not okay to blow up my phone like this. I pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration while I listen to the rest of the messages.

Addie, I’m sorry for the last voicemail. I’m a little on edge. I don’t like that you’re out there drinking without me to protect you. It makes me nervous. Please, please babe call me back when you get this.

Thank you for not calling me back all night or even responding to any of my text messages, I really appreciate it. I guess I’ll see you on Sunday if you’re not still ignoring me. Hope you and your friend had fun tonight, at least one of us did.

I just stopped by your place, why aren’t you answering the door?

It’s three am and you’re still not back.

Call me.

It’s now five am. I guess I’ll get off the floor and go to back to my place to wait for your call. Hopefully you and your best friend that you just met made it back to her place since you’re obviously not coming back to yours. Call me.

Slapping my hand over my face, I groan. Tossing the phone down, I shut off the water before it overflows. Instead of lowering myself into the tempting bath, I retrieve my phone to text Kohen.

I don’t bother to read the several texts he sent last night. There’s no point, I just listened to it, I don’t need to read it, too. I feel badly enough for how irresponsible I was last night for not texting him and letting him know I was okay. Of course he would worry, he’s that type of guy. The guy that cares deeply and is considerate to others. Opposite of how I was last night.

I type a few different responses without sending them. I have no idea what to say. It’s not like I can tell him I was with Jax. Yeah, I doubt that would go over well. I want to be honest with him, but at the same time I don’t. I know I didn’t do anything to feel guilty about, but after listening to how upset he got, I can’t help but feel remorse for sharing a bed with Jax.

Sighing in defeat, I send him a text as close to the truth as I can manage. There’s no way I can call him, I’m a coward. I remind myself that he doesn’t need to know the rest. I was hanging out with a friend. No big deal.

Me: Hey! I just checked my phone. I didn’t even think about checking it last night when I was out. But I had a lot of fun at girls’ night with Tinkerbell!!! I’m sorry I worried you. I’ll make it up to you. Promise . . . How about after brunch we go out just you and I? My treat . . .

Kohen: Did you spend the night at Harper’s? How does a date at the carnival sound?

I chew on my lip, contemplating telling the truth. I ignore his first question and hope he doesn’t get mad.

Me: Can’t wait. See you then.

I wait a minute to see if he texts me back, but he doesn’t. After setting my phone on a towel near the tub, I finally step inside. Oh sweet baby Jesus, this feels heavenly. I will my body to relax, to shut my mind off of the drama that surrounds me, and relax in the tub.

Saturday has come and gone with little-to-no stress. Kohen made me dinner at his place and is taking me to a carnival today after brunch. I’m way too excited. I haven’t been to a carnival since I was a little girl. I was all for ditching out on brunch, but Kohen insisted. Plus, I want everyone to meet Harper.

I lean against Kohen’s shoulder as we walk to the restaurant. He reaches out to open the door for me. Always such a gentleman, this one. I see a blur of red before someone tackles me into a hug. I fall back against Kohen and he steadies me while Harper hugs me.

“Nice to see you too,” I say once I’m finally able to breathe air into my lungs.

She lets go, extends her hand to Kohen and singsongs in her southern accent, “I’m the best friend, Tinkerbell, but please call me Harper.” I laugh. “You must be the boyfriend that I’ve heard so much about.” I stop laughing.

I catch myself from dropping my jaw on the floor and glare at the traitor in front of me. I can’t believe she said that to him. Great, now he’ll think I’m serious about him. Am I? Nope, definitely not . . . at least yet. I am, however, ready to kill a tiny redhead that I know.

Kohen laughs and pulls me back to his side. “One day I hope to be introduced as her boyfriend, but until she’s ready, I’ll just keep her around for arm candy, Harper.”

I kiss him on the cheek before glaring at my former best friend. She ignores my obvious irritation and links her arm with mine as we stroll to our table. I stop dead in my tracks when I see Jax. Why is he here? Just to torment me? Probably.

Harper peers back at me when she notices that I stopped walking. She follows my gaze to Jax, her mouth pops open. She looks back at me with wide eyes and mouths, “Lover?”

I nod. Sighing, I square my shoulders and grip her arm a lot tighter than necessary. Here goes nothing.