Текст книги "Beautifully Shattered"

Автор книги: Courtney Kristel

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Текущая страница: 27 (всего у книги 31 страниц)

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Yawning, I snuggle closer into the warm chest behind me. I moan contently when Jax’s strong arms tighten around me and he kisses the back of my neck. I turn into him so that my face is pressed against his chest, head resting on his arm. As I press my lips to his chest, I wish that time would stop. I want to be forever held in this man’s arm. Just like this, in love. Too bad that time doesn’t stand still and that our reality can’t let us be together.

Closing my eyes, I breathe him in, loving the way my face breaks into a huge smile just by being near him. He reminds me of home, of hope. I’ll miss his touch. I’ll miss everything about him.

Wiping a tear from my cheek he whispers, “None of that.”

I nod, but the tears keep flowing.

“What’s wrong?” he asks into my hair.

I swallow the lump in my throat. “I don’t know how to say goodbye.” I start to weep silently.

He has a sad smile as he caresses my face. “This isn’t goodbye, Adalynn. I’ll aways be here. I’ll never leave you. Whenever you need, me I’m here.” He places his hand over my heart.

I cover his hand and mumble, “I know . . . it doesn’t make this any easier.” He sucks in a ragged breath. “I know this is what we both need . . . so you have to understand that I’m going to need distance. Jax . . . I can’t be around you for awhile. I need space . . . Or I won’t—”

“I know,” he says, regret clear in his voice.

The urge to kiss him is so strong that I force myself away from the warmth of his body and out of my bed. My body hates the distance that I’m putting between us. It’s for the best. Knowing that doesn’t make this any easier.

“Breakfast?” I ask, needing to do something, anything instead of being in the arms of the man I love, knowing that I can never have him.

After Jax nods, I flee to my bathroom to brush my teeth, but mainly needing a minute alone. Not a second after I flush the toilet, Jax walks in.

My face turns beet red. “Ever heard of a thing called privacy?”

Jax ignores me and grabs his toothbrush that I haven’t gotten around to throwing away. Once his toothbrush is in his mouth, he snags mine, squirts toothpaste on it, and hands it to me.

“Thanks.”

“Relax. You’ve thrown up on me. I’ve seen you pee before. At least this time you were sober.” Toothpaste drips down his chin. Without thinking I reach up and wipe it away with my thumb.

“You’ve never seen me pee and you didn’t now. I was already pulling my panties up,” I say once I’m finished brushing my teeth.

“Freshman year.”

My eyes are trained to his toothbrush. It doesn’t belong next to mine. It never did. Forcing the tears away, I snatch it and toss it into the trash. Jax nods as if he knows that it doesn’t belong here either.

It’s maddening that until yesterday, I haven’t cried in six years and now throwing out a pointless toothbrush makes the tears threaten to spill over. Because in some way you’re throwing out Jax. That little voice in my head reminds me bitterly as if I had a choice in the matter.

When I’m not on the verge of crying any longer, I murmur, “I’m confused.”

“I know.”

Following him out of my bathroom to my kitchen, I think back to freshman year of high school. That feels like a lifetime ago, which it is. So much has happened since then. I’m still coming up with a blank, though. I wasn’t the type of girl to party in high school. Even if I wanted to, nobody gave me alcohol because they were afraid of Logan or Jax beating them up. Those two were beyond annoyingly protective in high school. I can only remember two times in high school when I got drunk. Once freshman year and the other was the day before junior year.

“You’re such a liar. I only got drunk—”

“Twice,” Jax says while opening the fridge.

“How do you—”

“I was there for the first one. Heard about the second.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask after I set a pan on the stove and turn on the flame.

Jax backs our from the fridge, grabbing everything we will need to make breakfast, with a smile on his face. When he sees that I honestly have no idea what he’s talking about, his grin turns smug. “Oh, so you don’t remember I take it?”

“Cut the crap, Chandler.”

“Say please and I might tell you, Maxwell.”

I roll my eyes as I mumble, “Please.”

He lays pieces of bacon onto the hot pan. “Who was the tiny person with the brown hair on your team? Super loud, super—”

“Lexi,” I say, all traces of humor gone.

“That’s the one! Remember that ‘little’ sleepover you went to at her house and it turned into a party?”

Remembering it all too well, I bite out, “Yes.”

“Well, you may not have noticed, but Connor and I actually turned up at the party that night.”

“I know. I remember.”

“Huh? Oh well, I didn’t think you noticed since you were pretty hammered by the time we showed up. I let you finish—”

“You let me?” I ask, enraged.

“As I was saying . . .” He points the spatula at me with a grin that drops the second his eyes land on my not-so-amused face. “What’s wrong?” he asks, full of concern.

“Nothing,” I mumble underneath my breath.

God, I’m being ridiculous. This was high school. I have no idea why I’m letting something that happened over nine years ago still affect me.

“Ads.”

“I’m being stupid. Tell me the rest of the story since most of the night is a blur.”

Too bad I already had a play-by-play from my “dearest” friend Lexi the next day.

“Okay . . . Well since you were already smashed, I let you finish the drink you were working on, then Connor and I took turns switching your red solo cups with cups of water,” he says with a grin. “You never noticed.”

Bitterly I ask, “When does the peeing part come in?” I’m ready for this conversation to be over.

“I’ll tell you if you tell me what’s gotten your panties in a twist.” Jax holds his pinky finger up to me.

Knowing that he won’t stop until he gets his way, I pinky promise him. He returns to cooking breakfast.

“Excellent.” He smiles in victory. “Where was I?”

“You were just explaining that you and Connor liked to ruin my fun even back then.”

“Ah, that’s right. So eventually you tried to leave the party. So of course I followed you. You got to the mailbox before you fell on your face. You ‘tripped,’ your words not mine.” He turns his head towards me to give me a wink. “After helping you sit up, you grabbed your stomach and said you had to pee. By the looks of it, I knew you wouldn’t make it back to the house so I started to help you walk over to the bushes on the side of her yard . . .”

No! I thought that was a terrible nightmare, especially when Lexi told me what her and Jax did all night long.

“So you helped me pee in her bush?” I ask, mortified that I forgot. Apparently my mind knew how traumatizing that was so I repressed it.

“Not exactly . . .” Jax says with a chuckle, making me nervous.

“Jax!” I warn.

“After a few steps I knew we would never reach the bushes with you falling over yourself so I picked you up. I thought we would get there faster. I thought you could hold it. I was wrong . . .”

Jax laughs loudly it’s hard to process what he’s saying. Staring at him, I try to piece the puzzle back together. I don’t remember much after the mailbox. I remember a bush and my dress being held up by strong hands . . . Jax’s hands.

“Oh God! You held my dress up while I peed!”

“After . . .yes, though I didn’t think it mattered at that point.”

“What are you—”

Oh fuck. Please no!

“We didn’t make it to the bushes. You peed on me about three steps away from it. You managed to hold the rest in so I could help you pull your panties down and lift your dress up while you finished.”

“OH . . . MY . . . GOD . . .” I say through my hands. I refuse to lower my hands and look at him.

“Yup. So you can imagine why seeing you pee on a toilet doesn’t bother me . . . So I’ve had you pee on me and puke on me . . . Let’s not go for round . . .” his voice trails off.

There won’t be a round two, or three. After today we won’t hang out like we used to. After he leaves, the spell will be broken and reality will hit. We won’t have any more secret kisses, any inside jokes, he will be Logan’s friend. Once he leaves, I lose the love of my life.

Trying to lighten the suddenly dark mood, he nudges me with his shoulder. I force the morbid thoughts away and concentrate on that night nine years ago. Sitting on my stool, hands covering my face, I try to picture the scene Jax describes, but I come up with a blank.

“It doesn’t make sense,” I say quietly.

“What doesn’t?” Jax asks as he sets a plate down in front of me.

Still talking through my hands I ask, “Why were you with me? You were with Lexi all night.”

Before I know whats happening, he’s pulling my unwilling hands off my face. “What are you talking about?”

Forgetting my humiliation, I admit to him that I know he slept with her. “Lexi . . .That brunette who is super loud, the chick you fucked that night.”

This time his laughter isn’t forced. Awesome. All of anger I felt all those years ago, when Lexi woke me up bragging that she slept with Jax, bubbles to the surface. I knew then what I know now, Jax wasn’t mine and will never be mine.

“It’s not funny!” I snap.

“So that’s why you refused to talk to me for two weeks . . .” Jax chuckles as he tries to fight the smile on his lips. “Even when I came over at night you just handed me the first aid kit and went to bed. All because of that?”

All traces of humor are gone. I wish I was able to block out those two weeks, but I can’t. Those were the worst two weeks of my life, being pissed at Jax and then being pissed at myself for being mad at him. He could sleep with whoever he wanted, I had to remind my fourteen-year-old self. I want to lie to him, but he’ll see through me. I nod.

“I was with you all night,” he says with hands on my thighs.

All I see is honesty in his eyes. Which doesn’t make sense.

“Lexi said you had sex with her.”

“Lexi said a lot of things.”

Yeah, that’s the understatement of the year. I used to think she was so “cool” because she was a junior and wanted to hang out with me all the time. That was before I realized she was only hanging out with me to get closer to Jax. Our friendship ended pretty much the next morning when she confirmed that she slept with him.

“I didn’t sleep with her.”

I roll my eyes at him. He grips my chin so I can’t turn away.

“Not that night. Not any night. I’ve never slept with her.”

“But she said—”

“She said a lot of things, Ads. You know better than anyone that she would lie to anyone willing to listen.”

I nod, knowing the truth. “But she was hanging all over you that night.”

“Yeah, for about five seconds.”

“No.”

“Yes. For a whole five seconds, I decided to see if I could get a reaction from you. Then I stopped because I realized it was pointless.”

He’s lost me. “What?”

“I was a kid. Even back then, I was in love with you. I was trying to make you jealous. I didn’t know . . . I mean, I thought you liked me, but I wasn’t sure at the time. Those two weeks of silence confirmed my suspicion, though.”

I rub my temples. “I’m confused.”

Running his hand through his unruly hair again, Jax sighs loudly. “I thought if I could make you jealous then I would know if you cared about me the way I cared about you . . . I never slept with Lexi or anyone in high school.”

I hate that I don’t want to hear the answer, but I ask anyways. “And college?”

He reaches for my hand, but I jerk away. If he touches me I’ll crumble.

“If you’re asking if I was a virgin when we slept together, the answer is yes.” He caresses my face with his hands. “I didn’t lie to you.”

I suck in a ragged breath. All this time I thought he was lying to me. I never regretted losing my virginity to him even though I thought he was experienced. I’m glad that I was wrong. It doesn’t escape my notice that he uses past tense. I want to ask what he’s lied to me about since then, but I don’t think I’ll want to hear the answer to that, either.

“Do you know who slept with her?” I ask, getting us back on track. I don’t want us to focus on losing our virginity to each other.

“No idea,” he says with a snicker.

“What’s funny?” I ask.

“You refused to talk to me for two weeks. Two long weeks. All because Lexi got laid that night and I took care of you.” He has a smirk on his face that I ignore while digging into my yogurt.

We eat in a comfortable silence. By comfortable, I mean Jax holds my hand while my mind races over and over again. I have no idea when he’s planning on leaving, and as much as I want to keep him here forever—I would even settle for handcuffing him to my bed—I just want him to leave already. Its beyond confusing. The more he stays here with me, touching me, being so sweet, the more I want to convince him to give us a chance. Which of course is beyond idiotic. We’ve been down that road way too many times. At this point, I’ve lost count. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m free.

I’m free of my past.

I’m free of Jax.

If only my heart could get on the same page, I would be golden. Barely managing to finish my yogurt, I push my full plate away from me and stands up. Surprisingly, Jax doesn’t comment. He probably can sense my nerves, making it impossible to eat.

“So . . .” I cringe at how awkward I’m making this.

“So . . .” Jax repeats, all traces of happiness gone.

Unable to face him, I step on the pedal of the trashcan to lift the lid. I clear my plate while I talk. “I should start getting ready . . . I’m supposed to hang out with Logan and Connor before their flight tonight.”

Jax moves behind me to clear his plate, but I sidestep out of his way so we don’t accidentally touch. Lovey-dovey time is over. Reality has come too soon, but now that it’s here, I can’t ignore it. Jax knows how I feel and I know how he feels. Nothing is going to change. Something that I need to remind myself repeatedly so that I don’t throw myself at Jax and beg him to never leave me.

I shouldn’t have to beg someone to be with me. He either wants me, or he doesn’t. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t. Time to move on. A stupid tear slides down my cheek; hastily I wipe it away. After a few deep breaths, I get myself under control.

“Right.”

“Are you gonna be there?” I ask, hoping that he can’t tell how desperately I want him to say yes at the same time I want him to say no.

Jax shakes his head. “We celebrated the other night. No need to be girls about it, they’re only going to be gone for two weeks.”

“Right.” I shuffle my feet, feeling awkward standing in the kitchen in my raggedy pjs with Jax in his shirt from last night and black briefs. It should be illegal to look that good after waking up. I didn’t even get a chance a check my hair in the mirror earlier. I can feel the bird-nests.

“Well . . . I’m just gonna go get changed . . .” Yup, not awkward at all. Points to me.

“Yeah, me too,” Jax says as he follows me out of my kitchen. I have to force myself not to run and lock myself in my bathroom.

As awkwardly as humanly possible, I linger in the doorway and watch Jax dress. It’s a sight that I can never tire of. His abs flex while he bends to retrieve his clothes from the floor. As he slips his legs into his pants, I bite my lip. This would be so much easier if he wasn’t the most beautiful man in the history of the world, inside and out.

“I need you to stop,” Jax says in that deep bedroom voice I love.

“Huh?” I ask, puzzled.

He zips his pants, “It’s taking everything in me to stay over here . . . I’m not strong enough to do nothing when you keep looking at me like that . . . I’m only human.”

Face reddening, I simply manage to squeak out, “Oh.”

All that’s left is his shoes and then he will be gone. He’s leaving. I know eventually we will be friends again, but it won’t be the same. It can never be the same. I was naive to think that we could ever be friends like before. Everything changed the first time he kissed me on my birthday all those years ago. Everything changed forever when he told me he loves me.

It hits me like crashing into a brick wall. I can’t have him leave. I want a forever with him. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I don’t know how. There’s no substitute for him. He will forever be my first choice, the only choice I want.

“Stay,” I whisper so quietly, I doubt that he can hear me. He freezes. He heard me.

“Ads—”

“I know. I know for whatever reason, you think you’re not good enough. You think that you’ll pull me down with you. You’re wrong. God, you’re so wrong. I love you.”

I close the distance between us and stand in front of the man I love, trying for the last time to make him see what I see.

“You brighten my world. You’re the air I need to breathe. I need you. I love you! I just want you. Please, Jax. I know you love me. We can make this work. Jump with me. All you have to do is love me, Jaxon.”

Tears stream heavily down my face with the truth of my words. His eyes shine.

Gently, as if I’m made of glass, he caresses my face. “I can’t, Ads. I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. I would have given anything in the world to hear you tell me you love me once upon a time, but it doesn’t matter anymore, too much has happened. I can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.”

“What do you mean? What’s happened? All that matters is that we love each other.”

“I can’t tell you, not yet. When you’re ready, you’ll see I’m doing us a favor.”

My voice raises. “Tell me! I want to know why you’re giving up on us!”

He remains silent, refusing to tell me the truth once and for all. I push him away from me. Something that I can’t focus on flashes through my eyes. For some reason that tiny flash of black and white brings tears to my eyes. Jax is keeping something important from me. Whatever it is, it’s the reason why he’s ruining us. It’s not just his dysfunctional past and his fear of commitment. There’s something else, something worse.

“You’re keeping something from me! Tell me, I deserve to know what’s driving us apart.”

He remains silent.

“Please,” I beg.

“I can’t force you to remember. One day, you’ll be ready to hear the truth. When that day happens, I’ll be here if you need me, but you won’t. When that day comes, you’ll hate me forever.”

My stomach clenches. Something tears at my mind, but no matter how much I concentrate, I can’t reach it. I rub my temples and will the memory to come forth. It doesn’t. I watch as he leaves my room. It takes a second for me to follow him to my front door. When he opens it, I slam it closed.

“Tell me!”

Without facing me, he asks in a strangled voice, “What were we fighting about six years ago, the day of the accident?”

I want to scream in frustration. He isn’t making sense. He turns to face me, his cheek wet with tears. Whatever I’m repressing is bad.

“What do you remember from that day?” he asks.

“We weren’t fighting. My parents flew you three out for my birthday. You guys met us at my swim meet, surprising me. We had dinner together after.” And then the accident happened.

He shakes his head.

“Tell me what I’m missing.”

“Do you remember what was happening between us before that day?”

My silence is answer enough. For some reason it’s fuzzy and it shouldn’t be. I thought I was only blocking out the accident and the memories of my family. Until now, I had no clue that I was forgetting something major between us. I study him, begging him silently to explain. If he doesn’t, if he chooses to let me live in the void, I will never be able to forgive him.

“We weren’t talking, Ads. We didn’t talk for the three months leading up to the accident. You refused to take my calls.”

I put my hands in my face and weep. “I can’t remember!”

“And I can’t help you.”

My hands fall to their sides. “Why?”

He wipes his face with the back of his hand. “Because you’re not ready.” He reaches behind him and opens the door again. “When you are, you’ll remember.”

“If you leave without telling me the truth, I’ll never speak to you again. You and I will be done.” I step closer so he can see how serious I am. “I will erase you from my memory. Every laugh, every kiss, every touch, will be gone. I will forget everything about us, Jaxon. You’ll be just my brother’s friend. If you leave without telling me why I stopped talking to you, you will be dead to me.”

The tears flow down both our faces. He caresses my cheek. I don’t pull away, I allow myself one last touch from him. His hand falls back to his side.

“You’ll hate me when you remember. Either way I lose you, Ads.”

“If you tell me the truth right now, I promise I won’t hate you,” I vow, desperate for answers.

“You can’t promise that. Just know that no matter how much you despise me when you find out, I’ve hated myself for these last six years, and I’ll never forgive myself for what happened.”

“I’ll remember.”

“I know,” he says before walking out the door.

I sob as I watch him leave. I hate that my mind has betrayed me. I hate that he’s hiding something important from me. My legs give out as I bawl for something that I lost, but can’t remember. I rub my face as I replay every encounter I’ve ever had with him. I promise myself I’ll do this only once; after that I’ll throw away everything of his, anything that reminds me of him. The memories blur. I can’t remember a single thing about Jax in the few months before my seventeenth birthday. It’s as if during that time, Jax didn’t exist, which is a lie. I know it, I can feel it.

What am I forgetting? I couldn’t block out the accident, the images of that night have been burned into my soul, forever haunting me, but I’ve successfully erased an entire chapter out of my life.

What was so traumatizing that I forced myself to forget?