Текст книги "Beautifully Shattered"

Автор книги: Courtney Kristel

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Текущая страница: 19 (всего у книги 31 страниц)

My stars swirl around and around on their string from the breeze drifting through the open window. I don’t remember opening it this morning, but my mind was elsewhere. I should close it, but I enjoy the fresh air. The city noise comforts me. It’s as if I’m not alone.

Chapter Twenty

Two weeks have passed by since Harper and I went running. Two weeks since I met Jax’s latest troll in a bathroom. It seems like Harper avoids going out if Kohen will be there. Which he always is. I need to intervene.

“I swear this better be the last one!” Harper says, jarring me out of my thoughts.

I send an apologetic look to the sales clerk. “You act like we are at the dentist. You’re trying on dresses, not getting a root canal. Calm down and put it on.”

“I’m going to strangle you if I see one more dress.”

I ignore her. One thing I learned about Harper, she can’t stand shopping. Okay, so that’s not entirely true, she can’t stand shopping with me. Can’t blame her, most people can’t.

Harper emerges from the dressing room and poses in front of me. Wow. This is the one. It’s spectacular! She fights her smile. I’m sure because she fears me forcing her into the dressing room to try on another endless pile of dresses. I wait before I tell her I love it. I keep my expression bored, not showing that I want to jump up and down.

I make a turn signal with my index finger. Her figure looks amazing! Men are going to have a hard time keeping their eyes off her. Mission accomplished. Her shoulders sag a little when she faces me again.

“Well?” she asks impatiently.

“That’s the one!”

“Thank God! I thought I’d have to sneak out of here. I was afraid we would never leave!”

I grip my chest as if she wounded me. “And here I assumed you were dying to go shopping with me.”

“Yeah, that was before I knew you had to try on everything in each store.”

I shrug, not caring. “I’m not that bad. We didn’t even get to that section yet.” I nod to the left, proving my point.

“Okay, okay, you’re right. We’re done though, right?”

I nod.

“I’m starving!” she says dramatically as we leave the boutique.

Now here comes the hard part. I thought that I would sneak-attack a lunch between her and Kohen. What surprised me was when I heard Connor in the background. I have no idea why they’re together. Kohen usually only hangs out with the guys if I’m there. I wonder if it was Connor’s doing. It has to be, I don’t see Kohen calling up Connor. Sometimes I think he’s jealous of Connor. Gross.

“How about meeting Kohen and Connor for lunch? I told Kohen where we are and one thing led to another and we have a lunch date with them.”

I chew on my lip when she doesn’t answer. She hasn’t brought Kohen up, and neither have I. It has kind of been an unspoken rule between us. And now I’m breaking it by making her go to lunch with him.

She turns away. “Sounds great.”

She’s still on the fence about Kohen. As much as she hides it, I can tell. I link our arms together and steer us toward the little cafe down the street. We spot the guys at the same time. It’s pretty easy when every woman on the patio is doing her best to capture their attention. I’m not surprised Kohen ignores them; what surprises me is Connor does too.

“You sick?” I ask him.

“No. Why?”

I drop my bags down alongside Harper’s, then I give Connor a hug, and Kohen a chaste kiss on the lips. Kohen pulls out a chair for me, always the gentleman. He and Harper exchange tight smiles. Interesting, does he sense her hostility?

“Oh, I just assumed you were sick,” I say once everyone has sat down again.

“Again, why?”

“You know, because of all the women out here dying for the attention you’re not giving them.”

Both Kohen and Connor look like I started speaking a different language. Do I need to spell it out for them?

“She means she’s surprised that you don’t have your tongue down one of their throats yet,” Harper says with a wave towards the surrounding women.

Now they understand my earlier comment. Connor, gives Harper his panty-dropper smile, complete with running the tip of his tongue over his top lip. Here’s the Connor I was expecting.

“Don’t be jealous, Elizabeth, you know I save it all for you,” he says in a voice that should be reserved for the bedroom.

“I’d rather swallow my own tongue than have yours anywhere near my throat.”

Connor leans in so that his lips are inches from her face. “I promise you wouldn’t be saying that after I run my tongue up and down your throat.”

I shake my head. This guy is asking for trouble. You don’t mess with the devil, and she can be heartless when she wants. I’ve seen it, plenty of times on the opposite sex. It’s never pretty, but always funny.

Harper swallows loudly. “Sorry I just threw up in my mouth.” She sits back in her chair. “It’s Harper, by the way.”

“Not Elizabeth?”

And he wonders why she dumped water on him. What a mystery.

Lunch runs smoothly, at least until everyone has finished. Harper watches everything Kohen does, hanging onto his every word. And not in a good way. She’s studying him, waiting for him to mess up. I’ve been trying to steer the conversation away from the two of them, but she has other plans.

“I saw a documentary on abusive partners last night,” she says casually, but directs her eyes to Kohen.

I can’t believe she just said that! Kohen surprises me by remaining calm. I can tell that he’s nervous by the way his hand trembles slightly as he reaches for his glass of water.

“Any reason why you would bring that up, Harper? Is there a guy in your life that we should know about?” Kohen feigns concern.

She shrugs, but challenges him with her eyes. Harper stares him down until he turns away, to me. I shake my head, trying to convey my confusion. I can tell when his jaw tightens that he doesn’t buy it. Time slows down in an awkward silence that doesn’t break until Connor peers up from his phone, oblivious to the tension. At least I think he’s oblivious until he engages Harper in conversation. I beam gratefully at him. He nods.

Kohen drags my chair closer to him and lays his arm on my shoulder. Harper gives a slight shake of her head in disapproval. I rub my forehead, feeling the pangs of a headache. Maybe lunch with them wasn’t the brightest idea. When the bill arrives, both guys reach for it, but Harper intercepts it with her dainty hands.

“Have to be quicker than that, Evans.”

Harper hands the bill over with her credit card to our waiter. Not bothering to even look at the price. She drinks the rest of her iced tea, happy as can be. She loves messing with Connor. She knows he hates anyone paying for him. I once made the mistake of telling her how he flipped out when I paid for lunch one time. Since then she has taken every chance to pay for him. I love it.

“Thanks for lunch, Harper,” Kohen says through gritted teeth.

Letting her accent drip through her voice, Harper says, “You’re most welcome,” while she picks up her iced-tea.

Clearly these two don’t mix well together. Hopefully that will change when she sees that he isn’t a bad guy after all.

When the waiter returns, Connor smirks. The waiter casts his gaze to Connor when he speaks. “I’m sorry, Ms. Harrison, but your meal has already been paid for.” He hands over her credit card without another word.

“Have to be smarter than that, Harrison,” Connor says smugly.

“Well-played.” Harper winks at Connor before putting away her credit card.

Connor gets up and bows. Actually bows. I groan as everyone watches the show.

“Thank you, thank you,” Connor says.

“Okay, let’s go before he really makes a scene,” Harper says.

I pick up my bags as I get up and take Kohen’s extended hand. Kohen and I start walking away from the table. We say good-bye after he reminds me to keep my phone on me while at the movies with Harper. I join Harper and Connor, who are in a heated conversation by his car. They’re arguing about who’s going to drive.

“Harper, we’ll miss our movie, just get in the back. He doesn’t let anyone drive his car,” I inform her.

“Then why was Logan driving the other day?” Harper asks.

“What? When?” I turn towards Connor. “What the hell?”

“Yes, I let your brother drive my car. It’s not a big deal, Addie.”

I yank open the passenger door and slam it shut. Harper settles into the back without a word. I wait until Connor is situated until I drill into him.

“How many times? Has Jax?”

Connor shrugs. I can tell he is trying to decide if he should attempt lying, or tell the truth.

“Okay, so you’re the only one I don’t let drive my car.”

“WHAT!” I scream.

“Come on, Addie, it’s not that hard to believe. You’re a nervous driver. Besides, it’s not like you have a current license.”

I tell myself to shut up. My voice has other plans, though.

“I haven’t driven a car since I moved to New York. I’ve never been in a car accident!”

The minute the last sentence leaves my mouth, I clamp it shut. I have been in a car accident. I just wasn’t the driver. That’s what I meant, but that’s not what came out. Luckily, Connor knows what I mean.

Connor seems lost. I know he is thinking the same thing. He remembers the last time I drove a car. I panicked and almost veered off the road because I couldn’t stop picturing the accident. I haven’t driven one since. I have never had the urge to get behind the wheel until now. Which means I have no right to be upset. But I am, I blame the stress of lunch.

“Adalynn, you haven’t been behind a wheel in over five years. If you really want to drive, you can drive.”

I hear Harper’s gasp, but I don’t look at her. I don’t want to tell her about my fear of cars. At least not right now. Once there was a time when I couldn’t ride in a car without having a panic attack. More times than I can count I ended up blacking out. I was able to conquer that fear. One day soon, I will drive a car again.

“Next time.”

Connor sounds as surprised as I feel. “Really?”

I weigh my response before answering him. I know he’s asking a lot more than if I’m ready to drive again. He’s asking if I can handle it after everything. Before, I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. Before when I would get behind the steering wheel, it would take me back to when I was trapped in the darkness. Cries unanswered.

“Yea I’m ready,” I say quietly.

The heaviness of the last five minutes seeps through the air. Harper and Connor can feel it, too. I catch her worried eyes in the visor mirror. I give her a small smile. She squeezes my shoulder from behind me.

Connor pulls up to the AMC theater to drop us off. Before I unbuckle, he breaks the silence.

“Call one of us when you’re ready to leave. I don’t want you two walking around the city at night. You can even call Jax.”

I know he’s just looking out for me, but it still gets on my nerves. They act like I’m a child. They don’t think I can take care of myself. Granted, I haven’t been known to take care of myself over the years, but that’s changed. I’ve changed.

“Fine,” I say, opening the door.

I meet Harper on the sidewalk. We watch Connor drive away before we stand in line to buy tickets. I’m not in the mood to sit through a movie. Harper must sense this because she suggests skipping the movie for drinks.

“Lead the way,” I tell her.

Harper and I are about four rounds in. When I say rounds, I don’t mean beer. Nope, straight tequila. Tequila and limes to be exact. It’s safe to say I’m buzzed. Digging into my purse, I grab my phone. I have four texts from Kohen and one from Connor and Logan in a group message. I hate group messages. Without responding to their reminders to be safe, I delete it.

I scan the area to see if Harper will be back anytime soon with our next round. We made a “no cell phone” rule earlier. I spot her at the bar flirting with two men. Because one is just not enough. Got to love her. I read Kohen’s text.

Kohen: Where are you?

Kohen: When you gonna be home babe?

Kohen: Please don’t ignore me again.

Kohen: Need me to pick you up?

Kohen: What did I say about ignoring me?

I peer up from my phone. Harper’s chatting at the bar, but she will be back soon. I can tell she’s bored. She’s no longer touching one of their arms, and she has put space between them that wasn’t there before. When she waves down the bartender, I begin to type out a message, then delete it. For some reason I don’t want to inform him about my change of venue. Instead of being honest, I ignore his first question.

Me: Hey sorry just checked my phone. Hour or two tops. Are you still working?

The phone buzzes as the bartender passes Harper two beers and a shot.

Kohen: Okay. No, I’m out at dinner with Claire and her husband. Keep your phone on you, babe!

Me: Will do.

I set down my phone as Harper returns. The small shake of her head tells me that she caught me. She hands me a shot.

“Consequences for breaking the rules. Bottoms up.”

I clink the shot with her beer. As I reach for the lime, she stretches across the table for my phone. I slap my hand on the table to stop her, but she’s too fast.

“Harper don’t, give it back.”

She shakes her head. “I think someone needs a reminder that if they have a penis, then they can’t interrupt girls’ night.”

My eyes widen in horror as her thumbs move over the screen. This is bad. I need to stop her. “Seriously, Harper, you made your point, now give me back my phone.”

She offers me the phone with a wicked grin. Not good. I glance down. Crap! Kohen will be furious.

Me: If I’m out having a few drinks, please refrain from contacting me unless it’s an emergency. I’m not going to check in every five minutes. If you have a problem with that, get over it. Enjoy your evening, I know I am.

I gasp. How could she do this? She knows this will create problems.

“You’re seriously getting bent out of shape for me sending a joke?”

“You had no right to text him. He has done nothing but be nice to you.” I stand up, ready to leave. “You need to get over your issue you with him, Harper. He’s a nice person, he treats me well.”

She rolls her eyes. “Last time I checked, bruises don’t scream nice person.”

I want to yell at her, but I can’t. Harper has a point, but she’s wrong. She doesn’t see the real Kohen. He has only shown his vulnerable side to me. He’s damaged like me, he has his problems, but so does everyone else. I can’t fault him for that. He loves me.

“He isn’t the monster you make him out to be,” I tell her as I pick up my purse.

She doesn’t seem convinced. “He hurt you.”

“It was a misunderstanding.”

“I don’t trust him!”

I shrug. “You don’t have to. You have to trust me.” I glance around and notice we’re making a scene. “I know you mean well, but causing problems between us isn’t going to help. You need to get over this, for me.”

“But what if—”

“No, Harper. You need to stop. I’m telling you, he isn’t like that.”

She searches my face for any sign of a lie. She finally nods. “You’re right, I’m sorry, Addie. Stay.”

My phone buzzes, I silence it. I’ll deal with Kohen in a minute. “No, I’m going to call it a night. I’ll talk to you soon.”

She moves to stand but I’m already leaving. I’m still pissed at her for texting him. She could have gone about it in a different way. Instead, she tried to make Kohen angry, and succeeded if the continuous calls from him are any indication. I don’t even have time to open the bar door before my phone rings again. I know I shouldn’t answer, but I do. I’d rather deal with him when we’re not face-to-face.

“I want you to leave now! I’m already on my way back to my place.”

He isn’t yelling, but he’s mad. Yup, answering was the wrong decision.

“Look, it was a joke. Calm down or I’m not going to see you.” I wait for a reply, but he doesn’t respond. “I’m already getting in a cab. Meet me at my place so we can talk.”

He hangs up. I throw my phone into my purse as I rave down a taxi. Once I’m settled in the backseat I rest my head against the cold glass. If he’s not at my place when I get home, then fine, we can talk tomorrow. I’m not showing up at his apartment to explain myself. When the cab pulls up to our building, I see him leaning against the brick. I shouldn’t have worried, Kohen isn’t the type to run away from his problems.

I grasp the straps of my purse, and square my shoulders. He doesn’t speak as he leads me into the elevator. It isn’t until we’re safely locked in my apartment that he breaks the silence.

“I don’t want you seeing Harper anymore. She’s a bad influence,” he says calmly as he hangs up my coat.

“You honestly think you have a right to dictate who I spend time with?”

When he turns around, he’s looking at me as if I’m stupid. “She hit someone. She didn’t care if she seriously hurt them, she just took off. Now she’s trying to start a fight between us. Why would you want to hang out with someone like that?”

My hands quiver while I listen to him. On a small level, I know he’s right, but he’s wrong about her.

“It was a fender bender, and she was terrified. It doesn’t justify what she did, but I can’t let one mistake ruin a friendship. If I did, would you seriously be standing here in front of me?”

His jaw tightens as his teeth grind together. I pissed him off. Good. He has no right choosing my friends.

“I just want what’s best for you, Addie. I don’t want you spending time with someone who could leave an accident without another thought. She’s a bad person.”

My throat feels dry because in any other circumstance, he would be right. But not now, not about Harper. She’s a good person, an even better friend.

“She’s my friend.”

He leads us to my bedroom. Silently, we get ready for bed together. I assume the fight is over, but as I climb into bed, I’m proven wrong.

“Just be safe when you’re around her. I don’t trust her.”

I don’t say anything. There’s no point in arguing with him. He joins me under the covers after setting the alarm on his phone. He pulls my head onto his chest and trails his fingers through my hair. As much as I want to, I can’t make my body relax into him. Instead I kiss him so he doesn’t think anything is wrong and face the other way.

His hand travels up and down my back. My body is at war with itself. It wants to rebel against his touch but it can’t. He brings me comfort. Slowly, at the speed of ice thawing, I melt into his touch.

Chapter Twenty-One

I add another five pounds to the weight machine. My arms shake from overuse, but I keep pushing, needing to focus on my muscles burning rather than the problems in my life. Kohen. Harper. Jax. In that order.

“Keep going like that, you’re going to hurt yourself, sis.”

“This is not my first time working out . . . I know, shocker.”

My brother stops what he’s doing and comes over to me. I’m too mad to care that I snapped at him. I ignore him as best as I can while finishing my current rep.

“For an athlete, you’re pretty stupid.”

I glare at my brother and move on to the next task. Squats. I hate squats. I sigh as I head towards the free-weight section of Logan’s home gym. Clutching the bar, I notice that my brother switched the weight for me. This simple task makes my anger die down a little, but I’m still ready to kill someone. Sadly, my brother witnesses my anger firsthand. I guess we know whose the better sibling.

“I’m not an athlete,” I remind him.

“Could have fooled me.”

“Whatever,” I say under my breath.

I know that Logan doesn’t deserve me acting like this, I really do, I just can’t help it. I’m so upset and I don’t know how to handle it. I even did a few laps in the pool earlier, but that didn’t help. If anything, swimming made it worse, because it reminded me of the root of the problem. Jax. It’s always Jax.

My brother does pull-ups while he watches me. He would always do this when we were younger. He would let me lash out at him and then wait for me to spill my guts. That’s not gonna happen this time. It can’t. I’m mad because of his best friend. Not something that I think he will want to hear. Plus I can handle it on my own. I’m not a child.

I snap, “What!”

“Nothing. You ready to tell me what’s wrong?”

I don’t say anything. I turn my head in search of a distraction. I need to keep busy. I need to find something to take my mind off everything. I still can’t believe swimming didn’t work. That would always do the trick. It’s because of Jax. He just had to be the one to get me back in the water. What a jerk!

I spot what I need in the corner. I eye my brother. He looks from me to the bag.

“We’re wrapping your hands, first.”

I mock salute him as I follow him over to the punching bag area in his private gym. I give Logan my hands so that he can wrap them up for me. When I’m all ready to go, my brother stands behind the bag and holds it for me.

“Lets see what you got, Ali.”

I plant my legs how he’s shown me and punch the bag as hard as I can. I’m not focused so the punch doesn’t do as much damage as it should have. I hit the bag again, this time with the result that I want. I picture the one person that I need to hit right now.

I see Jax’s stupid face instead of the black punching bag. I hit harder and harder each time. I imagine breaking his nose, hearing the crunch when my fist connects with it. I then land a kick. I can almost hear the grunt he would make if I landed it into his side instead of this bag.

“Adalynn, enough!” Logan snaps loudly enough to break through the mental image of me kicking Jax’s avoiding ass. I finally texted him back and he never responded! He texted me first!

I bend down at the waist, throw the gloves to the floor, and start peeling off the wraps. When my hands are finally free, I drop my head into my hands and scream. I let out the loudest, most frustrated scream anyone has ever heard. It would have done Hadley proud. I crumble to the floor on my knees, exhausted.

Logan crouches next to me. He doesn’t say anything, as he rubs my arm in a soothing manner while I let it all out. I scream for everything I lost, for my family, and for me. It’s then that I realize that I’m not only mad at Jax. I’m mad at them, too. I’m mad at them for leaving me.

I’m mad at my parents and my sister. I’m mad that they’re not here and I am. I’m pissed that I survived. I’m mad that I had to listen to them suffer for hours while I sat there helplessly, unable to do anything but listen to them die. I’m mad at the world for going on and not realizing they were suffering, that my family was dying.

My body trembles in silent sobs. No tears come out. I won’t let them. Logan holds me tighter. Never saying anything, but saying everything in his embrace. I get myself under control after a while.

“Thanks.”

“It’s what I’m here for.” He kisses the top of my head. “Ready to talk about it, sis?”

I used to be able to tell him everything, but I can’t now. I want to, I really do, I just can’t, not about this. I give him a small smile that doesn’t feel right and shake my head.

“Okay then. Want me to guess?”

I narrow my eyes at him and get up. “I think our workout is done.”

“Good idea.” He hands me my water. “Now why don’t you go work things out with Jax.”

I spit water all over my brother while managing to choke at the same time. I was not expecting that. Logan smacks my back. I keep my back to him so he can’t see my shocked face.

“Wh-what?” I squeak out when I can breathe again.

Logan doesn’t answer me at first. I cross my hands over my chest and glare at my brother. I know what he’s doing. He’s stalling to lure a reaction out of me. I won’t fall for it. That’s what I tell myself, anyways.

“Well? Don’t shut up now. I know you are dying to tell me whatever is on your mind!”

“Huh?” he asks, playing dumb.

I’m not falling for it. Not this time. If he wants to say something, he will. I dry the sweat off with a towel then fling it at his head. He ducks, used to my tantrums.

“Okay, well, I’m out of here.”

“Bye.”

I stop and turn to him. Mouth dropped to the floor. I was not expecting that. I know I should leave. I don’t want to know what he has to say about Jax. I don’t want to fall for his stupid trap. I do anyways.

“Spit it out already, Logan.”

“Spit what out?”

“Don’t be a child. If you have something to say, say it.”

“Are you ready to talk yet?” he asks.

“Are you?” I challenge.

Together we sit on the floor against his panoramic window, with the view of the city behind us. I rest my head on his arm again and watch how the sun rays reflect off the punching bag’s metal chain.

“Something happened between you and Jax, didn’t it?” he asks.

I hold my breath. I don’t want to lie to my brother, but I can’t find the words to tell the truth. Saying yes would be so easy if things were different between Jax and I, but sadly things aren’t. My brother takes my silence as an answer.

“You want to talk about it?”

I sigh heavily. “There’s nothing to talk about because nothing happened.”

I’m not sure what my brother knows, but I do know that I won’t be giving any information out. Not about this.

“So you two just avoid each other for fun then?”

“I don’t . . . He’s the . . . Never mind, it doesn’t matter. We’re not avoiding each other.”

Logan studies me, which of course makes me uncomfortable. He frowns. I would cut off my left arm to read his mind. I feel like my brother just tested me on something and I want to know if I passed.

“That’s impressive.”

“What?” I ask, regretting it as soon as the word slips out of my mouth.

“That you say ‘it doesn’t matter’ like you believe it. Too bad I know something is going on between you two and you’re not okay with it.”

“We had a fight. We got over it. We’re not avoiding each other, we just haven’t been in the same room.” He avoids being anywhere I am and doesn’t respond to my texts or calls.

“You two aren’t talking, and you haven’t hung out in I don’t even know how long. Clearly you guys aren’t over it, Addie.”

I don’t bother objecting. There’s no point. Jax and I aren’t friends. That isn’t going to change. I’ve given him every chance in the world and he still avoids me. It sucks, but I’ve accepted it.

“He misses you.”

I laugh. “Right!” Sarcasm laces my voice.

“Even if he won’t admit it, he misses your friendship. Ever since you guys had your falling out months ago, he’s been different . . . lost almost.”

I desperately want his words to be true, but sadly they’re not. If they were, then Jax and I would have been able to get back to normal. We haven’t and it’s not from a lack of trying on my part, either.

“We were never that close,” I say, even though Logan won’t believe me. I don’t even believe myself. “If he’s lost, it’s not because of me. I’m just his best friend’s little sister. I’ve never been his friend.”

I hate how small my voice gets. That is what I fear most with Jax. That he puts up with me for Logan’s sake.

Logan gives me the-don’t-be-stupid look. “You two have been friends since childhood.”

“No, you two have been friends since childhood. I was the little girl that you let tag along.”

Logan stands. I take his offered hand.

“You are as much of his friend as I am. He needs you in his life, Addie, and I know you need him, too.” He gazes out at the city before he continues. “You two have been friends for so long. You shouldn’t throw that away over something stupid.”

“He told you why we got in a fight?”

“No, he didn’t have to. Whatever you guys fought over is stupid if you two aren’t talking. So swallow your pride and talk to him again.”

I let out my breath. I thought Jax told Logan about everything that happened between us. I’m relieved he didn’t. I don’t think my brother would take it badly, but I’m sure he doesn’t want to know that his best friend slept with his sister.

“It’s not pride. He just doesn’t want to fix things.”

“He’s your friend. Just call him.”

“I’ll think about it, that’s the best I can offer.”

“I’ll take it. Now that it’s settled, let’s talk about more important matters,” Logan says as he leads me to his living room.

Whenever I enter this room, one picture always steals my attention. The picture of our parents on their wedding day. They smile at each other, and in that one moment, the photographer captured the love my parents had for each other. It steals my breath away each and every time. I force myself to glance away and make my feet carry me to the grey couch.

“There’s more important matters than Jax and I making up? No!” I grab my chest dramatically.

Logan shakes his head at me, but I know he thinks I’m funny. It’s hard not to, I’m hilarious.

“The fundraiser tomorrow.”

“Oh.”

I don’t know what to say. I know it’s for a great cause. It raises money for foster care. My dad would be happy that we’ve kept it going, I just hate the looks I get from everyone there. I feel like I’m in that dream everyone has. The one when you show up to school naked and everyone points and laughs. Instead of being naked, I’m the girl who survived. Instead of laughing, everyone gives me sad smiles like they understand. They don’t.

“So will you?” Logan asks.

“What?”

“You really need to stop spacing out.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m working on it.” I roll my eyes at him. “Seriously, what’s up?”

Logan runs his hand through his buzzed cut brown hair. A gesture I know well. He’s stalling.

“I think you should give the speech this year.” He raises his hands up to stop me from interrupting him. “Before you say no and give me every excuse in the book, just think about it.”

“Besides the fact that everyone expects the speech to be by you, not me, I still can’t do it.”

“Why?”

“You do realize the event is tomorrow, right?” I ask him.

“Your point?”

“My point? Oh, I don’t know, maybe that I can’t write it, practice and in less than twenty-four hours give a speech that I’m not prepared for.”

“Okay, I’ll give you that, but what’s the real reason.”

Logan crosses his arms over his chest. I know he won’t drop this until I tell him why I can’t. My brother is stubborn.

“I just can’t give the speech. I can’t deal with the stares from everyone.”

“You can do whatever you set your mind to, Addie. And they’re not staring at you in the way you think. They’re staring at you because they can’t believe that after everything you’ve been through, you’re still here. It’s something we all admire, especially me.”

“With a speech like that, I can’t wait to hear what you come up with tomorrow.”

“So you won’t do it?”