Текст книги "Beautifully Shattered"

Автор книги: Courtney Kristel

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Текущая страница: 4 (всего у книги 31 страниц)

I’m barely able to hear him, I have no control over my mind right now. I’m sucked back into the past. It’s a welcome pain.

Connor and Jax wait by a nearby tree outside the cemetery gates. I can’t open the car door. If I open it, it’s real. I want to stay in here and pretend that this is a nightmare, that I’m still asleep in the hospital.

The sun shines, it’s a perfect day in Southern California. Not even the wind blows. Today should be a perfect day, but instead it’s the worst day of my life. Today I have to come to terms with what I failed to do.

Logan reaches over and clutches my hand. “I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.”

He pulls me into a hug, but I barely feel it. I’m numb. This isn’t real. It can’t be. Logan gets out of the car after letting me go. I make no move to take off my seatbelt. No, I’m not ready, I can’t do this.

I lock the car door. No, I won’t go through with this. If I don’t face it, it’s not real. They’re not dead. I’m going to wake up any minute now. I refuse to believe that I killed my family.

My voice is hoarse as I whisper the first words since the nurse sedated me days ago.“No, they’re not dead.”

A knock on the door stops me from having a full-blown panic attack. Turning my head, I see Jax. Logan stands in the front of the car with Connor. Logan looks how I feel, utterly broken.

I did this.

I broke him.

I destroyed our family.

I’m struggling to breathe when Jax says, “You’re stronger than you think, Ads. YOU. CAN. DO. THIS.”

He unlocks the door, opens it and kneels in front of me. He sets the Stargazer Lilies on the floor next to him before he fits my hands in his. As he says, “We’re all here for you, you’re not alone,” my eyes are transfixed on the bouquet at his feet. When did we pick those up? How long have they been in my hands?

He lifts my chin, pulling me out of the silent battle between forgetting everything, and not wanting to ever let the memories go. The pain in his sad eyes resemble mine. I caused him pain, too. All I do is hurt people with my selfishness.

“Don’t, Ads. This is not your fault. Don’t blame yourself for surviving.”

Surviving. Yes, I’m a survivor, that’s what the doctor told me, too. Too bad I feel like I’m dead inside. I ignore Jax because I don’t want to fight. If I tell him what I’m really thinking, we will just argue. I’m too tired to fight with him. I’m tired of everything.

“This can’t be my life . . . it can’t. I can’t . . . I-I-if I go with you, it will be real, they will really be gone . . . I don’t know how to live without them.”

Jax squeezes my hands. His voice breaks as he says, “It’s already real, Ads. It already happened, you can’t change that. You need to do this, we don’t need to rush, we can go when you’re ready.”

Jax doesn’t say anything else and neither do I. There’s nothing to say. I know he’s right. This is real and I have to face it. Deep down I know that I have to do this, I just don’t know how. I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed here, I shouldn’t get to say goodbye to them, it’s because of me that they’re dead. After minutes of sitting in the car with my hands clasped in Jax’s, I finally nod.

“It’s time.” I whisper more to myself than him. If he’s surprised at hearing me speak, he doesn’t show it.

My legs feel like Jell-O. Jax supports most of my weight. If it wasn’t for him I would have crumbled to the ground. Logan and Connor walk from the front of the car to where Jax and I are standing.

Logan’s tear-strained face would break me if I wasn’t already dead inside. “I’m ready.”

Logan nods. I cling to him with Jax grasping my free hand as we make our way to our family’s graves. I hate that I’m making them all relive the pain. I wish I was strong enough to say goodbye on my own, but I’m not. I wasn’t even strong enough to save my family.

When Logan told me that our family was dead, I didn’t cry, I haven’t cried a single tear since I woke up in the hospital two weeks after the accident. But when we reach their graves and I see Hadley’s name etched onto her headstone, I lose it. I fall to my knees and bawl my eyes out. I gasp for breath.

The world around me disappears.

All that is left are three graves.

Three lives lost because of me.

“I did this,” I choke out.

Logan crouches beside me to tell me something, but I don’t hear him. I barely see him. I can only see the three headstones.

I cry for everything that I lost.

The mom that I lost . . .

The dad that I lost . . .

My little sister . . .

And finally I cry for myself . . .

The night of the car accident, I died with them. I never made it out whole. Now I’m just a shell of a person. I don’t know how long I stayed like this, kneeling on the ground in front of my sister’s grave, but eventually the world starts to come back into place. I’m still crying, silent tears now, even though inside I’m screaming. The pain is all-consuming.

When I look at my brother, I see how much I have broken him. Connor and Jax are in silent agony, watching our world fall apart and not being able to do anything but witness it, all because of me.

I did this.

The first thing I notice when I open my eyes is the stained-glass stars Logan hung above my bed. Jax’s rhythmic strokes through my hair makes it easier to breathe. Even though I’ve been lost in my memories, he didn’t leave. Being wrapped in his arms brings me comfort that I don’t deserve. I feel his lips at the top of my head, but he doesn’t say anything. He’s letting me know that he’s here for me while I relive the past. I squeeze him as tightly as I possibly can, hoping that the nightmares won’t punish me tonight if he’s here.

As I watch my stars twirl on the invisible string, I will myself to relax. Whenever my memories weigh me down, I come here. I can lay here for hours and have the beautiful stars make everything else disappear. It always reminds me of when I would sneak out and lay on my roof and stare at the night sky.

“I love you, Ads,” Jax whispers into my hair.

My chest constricts painfully. How I wish he meant those words in the way I wanted. Without taking my gaze off my stars I whisper, “Love you, too.”

We don’t say anything else to each other for the rest of the night. Jax’s fingers running through my hair lulls me into a heavy, dreamless sleep.

Chapter Four

Life was slowing getting back to normal. I went to work, saw my brother and Connor regularly, and tried to ignore the fact that I haven’t seen or heard from Jax since he left my apartment three weeks ago. It’s getting embarrassing how many times I have attempted to call him, but always hang up before the call goes through. Connor insists that Jax is busy with work, but my gut tells me that he’s avoiding me.

I’m finally able to work-out again, which is good since it occupies my mind for a little while. I have a feeling Jax is avoiding me because of everything that happened. He treated me like I meant more to him again, which of course means avoidance at all cost.

Today I decided to surprise Logan with lunch since I know he’s been working more than usual after taking so much time off to visit. I’m glad that I brought my iPad because my brother is working through lunch so that doesn’t leave a lot of time to talk to him. I don’t mind, of course I know that he’s a busy man, and I couldn’t be more proud of everything that he has accomplished. Trinity, has flourished since the guys started the business in college.

I zone out, thinking about our parents. I’m picking at my pasta without actually eating it when Connor sneaks into Logan’s office and blows into my ear.

“AHHH . . . Holy shit!” I jump out of my chair, spilling pasta all over the floor in the process. I whirl around to an amused Connor.

I’m steaming! I hate that he always scares me. I’m about to rip him a new one when Jax storms into the office, looking like he is going to kill someone. Seeing him brings such a shock to my system that I’m barely aware that I’m blatantly staring at him. I have no idea what I was about to say to Connor.

Jax comes to an abrupt halt when he sees that I’m the reason for the obnoxious scream. Time seems to stop. Everything evaporates and the only thing that is left is Jax and me. The need to touch him is so powerful that my hand shakes from the sheer force of keeping it at my side and not reaching out.

Connor clears his throat, jarring me out of the trance. Logan types away at his computer, thankfully missing the encounter. It isn’t until Logan notices the silence that his head snaps up.

“What’s going on?” He studies the three of us.

Jax bumps his shoulder against mine, in a friendly way. “Ads is mad because she’s a sore loser and I beat her at poker when I stayed at her house.” He shrugs, smoothly lying. “I think she learned her poker skills from you.”

After a few more minutes of awkward silence, Logan engages Connor in a discussion over a new technology prototype they are considering purchasing. I can’t help but stare at Jax as if I’m seeing him for the first time. I’ve witnessed him lying before in the past, daily, but there’s something about this time. Usually I can always tell when he’s lying. This time, I can’t. If I wasn’t there, then I would believe him. Have I always been oblivious when it comes to him? Has he always been able to lie so effortlessly and I just now noticed? What else is he hiding?

I sit down on the leather sofa and attempt to ignore Jax. I can feel him watching my every move, making it impossible to ignore him. He shifts his feet as if he’s trying to decide if he should leave or say something to me. My money is on him leaving. That’s what he does best. Leave. Whenever we get close to each other, Jax disappears. Always.

Jax startles me when he answers whatever question my brother just asked and sits next to me. I’m the only one that notices when his finger grazes my pinky. Sadly I notice everything that Jax does.

Jax rearranges himself in his seat so that he’s facing me. I focus on a black and white picture across from us as if it’s the most interesting photograph in the world. After a few more agonizing minutes of Jax silently studying me, I finally give up.

After glancing at my brother and Connor to make sure they are still engrossed in conversation, I focus on Jax. “Are you going to just stare at me or do you actually have something to say?”

Jax gives me a rare smile. “Hi.”

I huff out a breath. Hi, really that’s all he has to say to me after three weeks of silence. “I’m out of here,” I tell my brother as I stand.

“Want to meet at my gym later this week?” Logan asks as he engulfs me into a hug.

“Sure.”

“Where you off to in such a rush?” Connor asks.

I meet Jax’s green eyes for a second before turning to Connor. “I have a coffee date,” I lie.

“With who?” Logan asks.

Crap, I didn’t think this far ahead. This is why I’m horrible at lying. I toss out the first name I think of. “Kohen . . . the doctor who lives in my building.”

At everyone’s stunned expressions, I flee. I know they’re about to shoot a million questions at me, questions I don’t have the answers to. Because I can’t help myself, I look over my shoulder before closing the door. Logan and Connor have returned to their conversation again. I have to force myself to keep moving when I see Jax. He’s smiling. He never smiles. And he’s choosing now to do it. He was supposed to be furious that I was going out with someone. Of course he isn’t mad. He doesn’t care. I rush to the elevators.

As the doors start to slide close, someone reaches a hand out to stop them from shutting all the way. So much for my hasty exit. Hopefully it isn’t anyone I recognize, but I know it’s highly unlikely since my brother owns the company. I keep my head down and let my hair cascade down the side of my face in an attempt from letting whoever it is recognize me.

Any attempts of being left alone fail. That someone who stopped the elevator doors from closing is Jax. Of course it is. It’s always him. I’m so lost, I don’t want him to see me like this. Not again.

He continues to press the open button as he talks. “I got this for you, and before you say you won’t accept it, understand that I’m not taking no for an answer.” He hands me a present with a purple ribbon. “Oh, and you’re welcome.”

It shakes in my trembling hands. I hate presents. I don’t celebrate my birthday anymore. “I haven’t even opened it yet. How do you know I’m going to even like it?”

He shrugs. “I know you.” Then he steps away.

“You don’t —” The words die on my lips as the doors slide shut.

When I get home, I stare down at the present, wondering if I can get away with throwing it out. Not likely, Jax will ask about it. I sigh, hating that he’s does this to me every year. He’s the only one that continues to get me birthday presents. Of course he says they’re just gifts since he doesn’t give them to me on my actual birthday, but we both know what it really is, and why he never gives them to me on May 21.

With shaky legs, I head over to the living room. I set the present on the table before going to the kitchen for a glass of wine. Phone! I hurry over to my bedroom where I left it. I’m stalling. Once I’m seated, I finally grab the present.

The first thing I notice is a note in Jax’s handwriting.

Seven years ago you were consumed with swimming, you began to lose yourself. This helped . . . maybe it can help you find yourself again. It’s time to live again, it’s time to move on. I’ll be here every step of the way.

–Jax.

Without seeing the gift, I know what it is. A camera. As much as I try to be angry with him for deciding it’s time for me to move on, I can’t. I wouldn’t be able to without him pushing me. I want to ask him what he means by being here. I want him to mean it as more than a friend, but I know he doesn’t. We’re not those teenage lovers who sneak behind everyone’s back to be together every chance we got anymore. Too much has transpired.

Taking a deep breath, I pull the camera out of the box. My eyes go wide when I realize exactly what camera he bought me. It’s a SLR Leica. It’s so expensive, I’m almost too afraid to touch it . . . almost.

My phone goes off, startling me. I plan to ignore it, but when I see it’s a text from Jax, I carefully set down the camera.

Jax: You actually get a choice . . . Thai or subs.

Me: Yeah real big choice there. Subs.

Jax: Great choice, I already have them. Be there soon.

Me: Why do you even ask then?

Jax: So you think you actually have a choice.

Me: Thanks for the camera . . . You shouldn’t have . . . but thanks.

Jax: Don’t mention it. You’re going to use it, maybe not tomorrow, but soon. And I can’t wait to see you come to life again when you’re behind the lens.

I smile as I set my phone down and I decide that I need music to fill the silence until Jax gets here. Picking the playlist feelgood on my iPhone, I hit shuffle and plug it into the Surround Sound. The first song has my head bumping, but it isn’t until Sammy Adams Only One comes on that I actually begin to move. I jump around, shaking my butt, and whipping my hair back and forth. When the chorus comes on, I’m screaming about the one that is way out of my league with Sammy. Fitting.

Forgetting about all of my stresses, I dance it out. Cheap Trick’s She’s Tight comes on next and I’m lost in the music. I use a water bottle as a makeshift microphone. Closing my eyes, I go all out.

It isn’t until I hear Jax sing, “I had a smoke and went upstairs,” that I realize I’m no longer alone. Kill me now please.

Mortified, I turn around to see Jax mimicking my ass shaking. “Oh no, please don’t stop on my account. I was enjoying myself.”

I don’t think that I can blush a darker shade of red even if I tried. I realize that I have two choices here: I can be embarrassed and stop, or I can let go for once and have fun. I go for option two and hand Jax the other “microphone.” Shania decides to come on next. Man! I Feel Like a Woman is the perfect song to let go! Putting my arms up in the air, I twirl around and start singing along with Shania.

When the first verse of the chorus blares through the speakers, I strut up to Jax, turn around and grind my ass up to his pelvis. Walking a few steps, I shake my ass, bend over and touch my toes. I tilt my head to the side and wink at him. When his jaw hits the floor, I laugh. Men are so easy. Closing my eyes again, I let the music wash over me and give Jax the best floor show in the world. Of course I may be biased.

PJ Simas comes on next and to my surprise Jax lifts the water bottle I handed him and starts rapping to the song Ocean Drop. I double over in laughter because I have a Greek God in a suit rapping in my living room. Jax “drops it like it’s hot” and I can’t even breathe, I’m laughing so hard. He holds out his water bottle for me when the girl starts singing. Smiling, I scream along. Singing is so overrated.

By the time our duet is over, I have tears in my eyes. Being the showman, Jax bows dramatically and I applaud him. Who wouldn’t applaud him? He rapped the entire song, not missing any of the words.

“I can’t even hide the fact that I’m surprised you know that song,” I shout over Dirty South.

Jax saunters over to the speakers to unplug my phone. “Yeah, well same here. I can’t believe I walked into that.”

“Tell anyone and I’ll be forced to feed you your balls,” I say with a wink.

“By anyone you mean Connor?”

“Of course!”

“Don’t worry, your dancing fetish is safe with me.” I smack his arm. “You do realize they came out with this thing called Bluetooth Speakers, right?”

“You do realize that I’m going to have to hurt you if you dis my stereo system, right?” I counter.

“Touche.”

Collapsing onto the couch we both lay here for a few minutes and catch our breaths. My abs will ache tomorrow. I can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard. Without bothering to get plates, we dig into our sandwiches. We eat in silence, enjoying the food too much to talk. After I eat my sandwich and steal the other half of Jax’s, I’m finally full.

“My lunch was thrown on the floor,” I remind him.

“By thrown you mean you dropped it, right?”

“So Logan’s surprise party,” I say in a obvious way to change the subject.

We decide that we’re going to rent out Logan’s favorite restaurant and have his party the weekend of his birthday on July 12. Connor will take Logan out all day so that Jax and I can make sure everything is set up perfectly since I don’t see the need to hire someone to do something that we are more than capable of doing. Jax, of course, objects but I don’t care. This is my brother’s birthday and I want to do everything. Jax doesn’t have to try too hard to talk me into making Logan’s favorite cake from one of my mom’s recipes for us four and then a bigger one for the party. I’ll use any excuse to bake.

This year the “after party” will be at Connor’s which is perfect since Connor’s place is closest to the bakery. Every year for anyone’s birthday we always celebrate an “after party” of just the four of us. Of course mine is the only exception to the rule since I refuse to celebrate my mine.

A knock on the door causes us to look in the direction of the hallway.

“Are you expecting someone?” he asks with a hint of unease in his voice.

I shake my head and before I can get up, Jax strides down the hallway. He beats me to the door. I just love how he makes himself at home and feels the need to answer my door. I give him a mock glare that he ignores. He’s squeezing the life out of my poor door. Confused I focus my gaze away from Jax and to the delivery man.

There are a million and one things that the delivery man could have brought up. The vase in his hands does not fit into the million and one category . . . at all. I gape at the flowers, unable to move, let alone breathe. My head spins. I’m getting lightheaded just standing here.

Who would be so cruel to send me Stargazer Lilies? I ignore the delivery guy as every memory I try to repress comes crashing down.

Hadley twirls around in our dance studio while our mom plays the piano . . . Hadley spins in her favorite yellow dress with the biggest smile on her face . . . Hadley’s first recital . . . Everyone in our family giving her Stargazer Lilies . . . Hadley . . .

Hadley sprawled lifeless on the stretcher while the paramedics try to bring her back . . . Stargazer Lilies engraved on her headstone . . . All because of me.

Blinking back tears that threaten to spill over, I notice that I’m no longer standing in the doorway but sitting on the couch with a worried Jax crouched in front of me. I can’t believe I just lost it in front of Jax. Again! I must have blacked out because, for the life of me, I can’t remember how I got to the couch.

Great, now Jax is going to realize how crazy I actually am. Crap, Logan! If Jax called my brother and told him what happened, Logan should be bursting through my door any minute now. So not what I need!

“Ads, it’s okay. You’re here, you’re fine. Just breathe for me, baby,” Jax says in a calming voice I have only heard from him once. The funeral. The memories start to come back, but I fight them off. I won’t lose it in front of Jax. Not again.

Watching him closely, I mimic Jax’s breathing because I’m unable to perform the most basic task in the world.

“Sorry.” I have to clear my dry throat so that I can talk above a pained whisper. “Sorry, Jax, you didn’t need to see that.” Much better. I almost have full strength in my vocal cords again. “I’m fine, I promise. I just wasn’t expecting to see those . . . st-star . . . flowers.” I choke up. I can’t even say the name of the stupid flowers.

“Shut up,” Jax says calmly but with an edge still to his voice.

Startled by his outburst, my head snaps up to see Jax steaming.

Venom drips from my voice. “Excuse me?” I can’t believe he just told me to shut up.

“You heard me, Ads, I said shut up.” Before I even have a chance to open my mouth, Jax drags me off the couch and pulls me on top of his lap. “I don’t need to hear any explanations. I know why you just completely shut down on me, I get it. So stop. If you open that sexy mouth of yours, it better not be to explain or to apologize, do you understand?”

I can only nod because I’m shocked that Jax knows why I broke down and gets it. Not that I should be surprised, Jax knows a lot more then he lets on. Right when I start to lean into his embrace, I shove his arms away and stand up.

“Thanks, Jax, but I need to be alone right now.” I hastily retreat to my room and I hear a faint, “Shit,” from Jax. I slam my door, hoping that he takes the hint and leaves.

Sinking to the floor, I try to shut it all off. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think that I could change, that I could be me again. That I was dancing around my apartment without a care in the world, as if I hadn’t killed my family. I can’t do this, I need to shut it off. It hurts too much.

I rise and make my way to my closet until a crippling pain from the guilt brings me to my knees. The memories start flooding back full-force. I can hear Hadley’s laughter as if she’s sitting right next to me. God, I can’t do this. I need to get out of here, away from Jax, away from everything.

Forcing my legs to cooperate, I open my walk-in closet. After blindly changing into the first work-out clothes my hands touch, I’m out the door. I jump from foot-to-foot as I put my socks on while walking. Not an easy task for someone like me. I snatch up Logan’s Columbia sweater I stole from him and then my Nikes that are still by the front door where I left them. I’m about to leave, but then I remember my phone is still in the living room. Ugh!

I’m relieved when I find my living room empty. I collect my phone from the coffee table and slide it into my armband. Before I can even leave the living room, Jax blocks my path. Great. I study my bright pink Nikes because I can’t face him right now. Why couldn’t he just leave? Was me telling him I need to be alone not a big enough hint?

“Where do you think you’re going, Ads? You can’t just go out and run right now in your condition.”

It would have been better for Jax to slap me across my face. Anything would have been better than saying “my condition” as if I have some contagious disease.

I’m no longer staring intently at the floor. I’m glaring at Jax. “MY CONDITION? WHAT CONDITION WOULD THAT BE EXACTLY, JAX?” I yell. Taking a deep breath, I try to calm down. I’m anything but calm as I say, “I am going for a run. I can’t be here right now, Jax.” I shove past him towards my escape.

Jax follows, closing on my heels to the door. This would have been so much easier if he just left.

Turning around, I whisper, “Please don’t tell Logan.” I leave without another word.

As I wait for the elevators to escape to Central Park, I try desperately to forget Jax’s expression. I wish that I was strong enough to turn around and reassure him that I’m okay, but I’m not. Instead I step into the elevator, and as the doors close, I feel like I’m making a mistake, but I can’t go back in there. I can’t face Jax right now even though everything in me is telling me that I need to be with him.

I’m so distracted that I don’t even realize that I’m not alone until I see movement to my left. I ignore the person behind me and concentrate on the emptiness inside of me.

“Well, this is a pleasant surprise. How are you Adalynn?” a deep husky voice asks, startling me. I know who that voice belongs to.

Putting my mask perfectly into place, I swing around toward Kohen. “Hey, I’m doing great!” Too cheerful, I need to take it down a notch or it will be obvious that I’m anything but great. “How are you?” God, I couldn’t be more awkward if I tried.

The doors open before Kohen has a chance to respond and like the socially inept person that I am, I flee without saying anything else. It’s better for him if he thinks I’m strange, then any interest he has in me will disappear. I don’t need to start anything with Kohen, well anyone for that matter, especially Jax. I deserve to be alone. I like it. I need to continue with the life I made for myself. I learned a long time ago that I can’t trust myself, let alone anyone else. Nobody would want the real me anyways.

I almost reach the doorman when Kohen comes running up to me. Just keep walking. Ignore him.

“Want some company while you run? I’m the perfect workout buddy.”

Why can’t everyone just leave me alone?

“I actually prefer to run by myself,” I answer in a bored tone. Finishing my bitch act, I pat his shoulder while I patronizingly say, “But, hey, no hard feelings, you can try that line with the next chick you see.” I turn and walk away. “Thanks for the offer,” I toss over my shoulder before leaving the building.

I head across the street to Central Park with the heaviness of despair coursing through my veins. Later on, when I’m back to myself, I know I’ll feel guilty. I make a mental note to apologize to Kohen the next time I see him, which should be easy considering we live in the same building.

I slide my phone out of my armband and I click on Marilyn Manson’s Sweet Dreams, before putting it back. As the music blares I wonder what sick fuck sent me those flowers. It couldn’t be any of the guys. They know better than that. So if not them, then who? I turn the music up and I finally get the chance to do what I’ve wanted since the flowers arrived at my place . . . escape.