Текст книги "Desertion"
Автор книги: River Savage
сообщить о нарушении
Текущая страница: 16 (всего у книги 23 страниц)
Twenty-Nine JESSE
When I was seven years old, I had this toy car, a Christmas present from my parents. It was my most prized toy because it belonged wholly to me. Not a hand-me-down from Jackson or a toy I had to share with Jay. It was just mine. I would play with this car every day, searching for new surfaces to glide it along, often annoying my mom by using household items to set up my very own racetrack. One afternoon, just like any other day, I sat and played with this car. My dad had been home for a few minutes. Like always, he grunted his hello and took a seat in his favorite chair in front of the TV. My mom was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Jackson was off playing with the kids on our street and Jay was asleep in his crib. Even though I was seven years old, I still remember the events of that day. I remember the house shaking from the force of my dad’s footsteps as he came for me. The quiver in my mom’s cries as he grabbed me around the neck and threw me to the floor for the noise I had been making. The kick to my stomach and the burning that came with it.
At an early age, I knew what my father was capable of. We lived in a strict and structured household. When we failed to deliver to his standards, it wasn’t uncommon to get slapped or receive a rough hand around the back of your neck.
But that day was different.
“Can’t you just shut the fuck up for once, you little fucking shit.” His rage coiled above me, his fists opening and closing at his sides. The kick to my stomach had winded me, but instead of crying out, I remember struggling for a breath.
“John, please.” Mom cried in the corner, but didn’t come to my defense.
“It’s your fucking fault. I told you to take that fucking toy from him.” He turned to face her, his rage still boiling over a tiny Matchbox car.
He bent at the waist, picked the car up, and walked to where she stood cowering.
“Next time do as I fucking say.” He pulled his arm back and smashed the car into the side of her face. She went down like a sack of potatoes, blood pouring from the gash on her cheek. It was the first time he had hit her. The first time he had hit me.
It wasn’t the last.
I never got my car back.
“Did you hear me? He wants to see you,” Jackson repeats, pulling me out of my thoughts. I don’t know why hearing the news that my father was on his deathbed took me back to that day, but it did.
“Yeah.” I shake my head clearing my thoughts.
“So, are you coming then?” he asks, still waiting.
“I thought he had months?” The knot in my stomach tightens when I think about the last few weeks and my reluctance to see him.
“Well, these things, they can move quickly, Jesse. I told you this.” I look up at Bell, and some of my brothers standing around. An understanding in her eyes almost has me coming apart but I hold it together. The proud man in me doesn’t want her to see me crack.
“Listen, I’ll call you back.” I click off the line and place my phone back in my pocket.
“Everything all right?” Bell whispers, coming around the pool table to stand in front of me. We were having a lazy day before my shift at Liquid tonight. A few rounds of pool with Bell and some of the guys. The last thing I was expecting was this phone call.
“My dad’s dying. Jackson wants me to go say my goodbye.” I shrug, still reeling from the news.
“Fuck, man. Sorry.” Beau shakes his head but I don’t reply, just keep my eyes on Bell.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Jesse.” Her hands move to my face, but I don’t want her to touch me. I can’t handle her comfort right now.
“Don’t fucking touch me right now.” I shake her off and step away from her. Her body stiffens at my tone; the soft understanding on her face freezes in confusion. I don’t mean to be an asshole, especially in front of everyone; in fact, things between us have been good. Ever since the night I found Danger with his hands on her, a newfound protectiveness has taken over me. She is mine and no asshole is going to touch her.
“So are you going over now?” Her hands fidget in front of her and I watch how her body language hides her insecurity. Fuck, I’m an asshole.
“Don’t know why I should. The last time I saw him he was still a cockhead, not prepared to relive that anytime soon.” I focus my attention back to our game of pool. “Who’s up?” I look up to Beau and Sy but they just shrug, so I turn back to Bell.
“Just wait a second, maybe you should.” She holds my stare, encouraging me to engage. I’m not in the mood to get into it with her, but I know she’s going to push.
“There’s a lot you don’t know, Bell. So don’t give me some bullshit spiel on hope and forgiveness. Life isn’t a straight line that you have to follow according to a set of rules.” I deliver it to her harshly, knowing it’s the only way to drop this fast. Expecting her to back down, I decide it’s our turn so I take my next shot.
“You’re right, but your father dying is a huge issue.” She shocks me, walking up into my space and calling me out. The room becomes silent, pissing me off. This shit doesn’t need to be aired, especially by Bell.
“And like I’ve told you before, I’m not going there with you. Or anyone for that matter.” I keep my eyes on Bell, but point my finger to Sy and Beau. “That door closed a long time ago, sweetheart.” I lower my chin waiting for her to agree but she doesn’t.
“Is that what you really believe, or is it what you tell yourself to make yourself feel better? ‘Cause what I see is a lost man, searching for something he’s not going to get unless he addresses it.”
I ignore the twist in my gut at her assessment of me and keep my stare cold. “You have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.”
“Jesse,” Sy warns, but it’s Bell who keeps pushing.
“You’re right. I don’t know, because you don’t open up to me and I get it. That’s how you cope but, Jesse, I care about you and I can’t sit by and watch you make a mistake. Wouldn’t you want to give yourself peace? Give him peace?”
“THAT MAN DOESN’T DESERVE PEACE!” I kick one of the table legs. Pain radiates in my fucked up foot, but it’s not enough for me. I kick it again, finding pleasure in the pain. She steps back at my outburst, but doesn’t cave.
“He’s your father. Does that count for anything?” The quiver in her voice takes me back to the same tone my mother used to make excuses and brush away what he did.
“No, it doesn’t, Bell. Unlike you, I don’t carry my DNA around like a ball and chain, hoping to please my parents. I gave up feeling obligated and responsible a long time ago.” I drop the stick on the table and walk out, leaving her standing there with my brothers.
Yeah, like father like son.
I don’t give a fuck.
Thirty BELL
“Bell?” he whispers three hours and twenty-five minutes later. Unsure what he needs from me, I keep my body still and feign sleep. I listen to him toe off his boots and drop his cut on the chair; executing the same routine he does every night before bed.
Part of me wasn’t expecting him to come back, the other part counting down the seconds he was away. I thought about leaving, retreating to the comfort of my own home, but I couldn’t bring myself to go. I know he’s hurting and it wasn’t easy to walk away from him, so I stayed and decided we would work it out when he calmed down. I know I shouldn’t have pushed him earlier. I don’t know why I did. After he left, Sy and Beau told me not to worry, but how could I not? I needed him to know I didn’t want to put a wedge between us. Not now.
“Bell?” Jesse calls my name again as he climbs into bed.
“Yeah?” I give up feigning sleep and turn over. My stomach drops at the sight of him. Dark circles under his eyes, his drained features stare back at me. I know he’s suffering, I just wish he would open up to me, instead of internalizing it all.
“You okay?” I ask when he doesn’t say anything.
“Yeah.” He sighs, resting his arm over his face.
“What’s happening? Talk to me.” I move closer, pressing my cheek to his naked chest.
“You were right.” I wait for him to continue but he doesn’t say anything.
“No, Jesse, I wasn’t.” I sit up, my hands aching to hold him, to ignite hope back into him. “I shouldn’t have pushed you. I’m sorry.” The tears fall freely and I don’t know if I’m crying for us, for him, or for a man I barely know.
“Never apologize for being honest, Bell. Always honesty.” He tugs me back down, tucking my back to his front. “I’m fighting a battle I’m not gonna win. I go to him and give him the peace everyone except me thinks he deserves, or I don’t and then I’m left with guilt. Either way, he wins.”
“No one wins, Jesse. Not when it comes to love and death. You just have to choose what’s going to hurt you less.” He’s quiet in his thoughts, only holding me tighter.
“Sleep,” he finally says, shifting us to our sides.
“I love you, Jesse,” I whisper, not caring if I say it. The man needs to know what love is, even if it frightens him.
I don’t know how we are going to get through what is coming, but I know if he doesn’t push me away, I’ll be there.
“Fucking stay with me. I’m not going to let you die,” Jesse mumbles in his sleep later that night. “Noooo!” he shouts louder, thrashing harder. I react immediately, attempting to soothe him.
“Jesse, wake up. You’re dreaming,” I whisper, waiting for him to respond. He doesn’t so I turn and reach for the bedside light.
I know last time he told me not to touch him, but looking down at him now, I can’t help reaching out to comfort him. After our fight earlier, I need to know he’s okay.
“The fuck,” he barks, rolling me to my back while his hand wraps around my neck and restricts my airway. At first I’m frozen, unsure what to do. Is he still dreaming?
“Jesse,” I squeak, struggling against his hold, kicking out and fighting to escape. The bedside lamp knocks to the floor, the glass of water I took to bed smashing beside it. His grip grows stronger the more I fight. Changing my tactic, I reach out and scratch his face, the small amount of air I am getting is not enough and black dots flicker in front of my face. I try to hold on, but darkness starts to blanket me, dragging me down to a place I don’t deserve.
“It’s me,” I manage to groan as I push my fingers into his eyes. I don’t think of hurting him. My need to survive takes over because Jesse is no longer the man I love, he’s the man who’s trying to kill me.
Suddenly, Jesse is pulled off me and I manage to drag much-needed air down my throat.
“What the fuck?” Jesse grunts from the floor beside the bed.
“Bell!” Holly’s anguished cry moves my gaze from a disorientated Jesse.
“The fuck is wrong with you?” Sy stands between Jesse and I. His chest rises and falls as he assumes a stance that says don’t fucking think about going to her.
I’m still finding it hard to catch my breath and my neck is throbbing so hard I’m worried Jesse has done some serious damage.
“Ggg.” I struggle to move the words past my throat, and the tears start to fall.
“Holly, get her out of here,” Sy orders. Holly doesn’t think twice, takes my hand and helps me out of the room. I look down at Jesse still on the floor. His eyes come to me, and for the first time since I’ve known him, I freely see the pain behind his eyes.
“Bell!” he calls to me, but I can’t bring myself to stop.
“Don’t fucking talk to her, fucker.” I hear Sy say as Holly walks me down to the kitchen.
“Oh, God, Bell. What the fuck happened?” She sits me down at the table and moves to the freezer. My hands tremble in front of me, so I fold them into each other hoping they calm.
“I don’t know,” I manage to wheeze before Holly returns with an ice tray and a dish cloth. “How did you guys…” I stop to swallow, the pain too much to talk through.
“I heard Jesse shouting, then you scream, and a glass smashing.” She shakes her head. “I knew something wasn’t right, so I woke Sy up and came to check.” Her hand shakes as she reaches forward and passes me her makeshift ice pack.
“I’m okay, Holly.” I grasp her hand and give her a squeeze.
“Jesus, I can’t imagine what would have happened if we didn’t come in.” Her lip quivers and it nearly sets me off.
“I don’t want to think about it, Holly,” I whisper, keeping my mind off what might have happened.
“Bell! Sweetheart,” Jesse shouts out from the hall.
“Stay the fuck back, Jesse. Let me check on her first,” Sy orders, coming to stand in the doorway before Jesse can enter.
“Fuck off, Sy. I’m not going to hurt her.” He continues to argue, but Sy doesn’t relent.
“Didn’t look like it when I stormed in. You had your fucking hands around her neck and she was seconds away from passing out,” Sy delivers the blow, taking me back to the bed and the darkness closing in.
“Fuck!” Jesse shouts, delivering a punch to the wall next to Sy.
“You need to calm the fuck down, brother. I’m not letting you in till I speak with her, you feel me?” Jesse doesn’t reply right away, but after a few minutes, he agrees and heads back out to the main room waiting for Sy.
“You okay, Bell?” Sy moves to stand in front of me. He drops to a squat and reaches out to inspect my neck. I flinch at the movement. I know Sy would never hurt me, but my reasoning doesn’t want to trust him.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” he reassures me. Forcing myself to relax, I nod, letting him inspect my neck.
“How does it feel to swallow?” He turns my neck from side to side.
“It’s tender,” I croak, testing it out.
“You wanna tell me what the fuck happened?”
“He was dreaming. I reached over and tried to wake him up. I wasn’t thinking properly. I just wanted to wake him… With everything that happened today…” I shake my head. “He reached out, got a hold of me and I couldn’t fight it.” Sy’s eyes darken as I fill in the blanks. His lips press together and the vein on the side of his temple pulses. “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have touched him. I know this,” I defend him but it only serves to piss Sy off further.
“This isn’t your fault, Bell. Don’t even go there.” He points a look at me that says don’t say it.
“What do you wanna do? You want me to take you home, or tell Jesse to get the fuck out of here?” Sy stands and gets some more ice from the freezer
“Can I see him?” I ask, needing to show Jesse I’m okay. He stops and looks back over.
“Whatever you want, Bell. But I’m not leaving you alone.”
“Jesse won’t hurt me on purpose, guys.” I look between Holly and Sy needing them to understand.
“Not budging on it.” He hands me a better packed cloth and tells me to keep icing. “I’ll go get him.” He moves to leave, but on cue, Jesse walks in.
“I’m here, fucker.” Jesse nudges Sy out of the way and kneels down in front of me. “Fuck, sweetheart. I didn’t know. I didn’t know,” he repeats, moving his hands to my face and slightly turning it to see the damage. “I would never hurt you, baby.” He looks so torn up, my heart is breaking for him.
“It’s okay, Jesse. I know. It was an accident. I’m fine.” I push down the memories of him choking me and focus on reassuring him.
“You’re not fucking fine, my goddamn fingers are imprinted in your fucking neck!” he shouts, causing me to recoil.
“You’re scaring her, Jesse.” Holly steps in close, but I shake my head. Jesse’s only reacting to his fear. I know he would never hurt me.
“It was an accident, Jesse. I know that.” I take his hands in mine and hold them to my face. “I’m okay.”
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I fucked up.” He drops his head and I want to take his anguish away, but I don’t know how.
“Jesse, everything is okay. It was just a dream,” I plead as he starts to pull away.
“Bell.” He stands to full height and the agony I hear in my name says it all. “Sy will take you home. You’re better off not being around me right now.” He moves ready to leave.
“No, I don’t wanna go. Don’t make me go. I’ll sleep on the sofa.” I try to bargain and beg, anything to stop him from pushing me away.
“Fine, stay. But I’m going and you need to be gone in the morning.” He stops, turns and looks down at me. The man I’ve fallen in love with stares vacantly. I want to scream out, tell him I need him and beg him to come back.
“So that’s it, huh? You’re just going to walk?” I can’t keep the hurt out of my voice. The sting of rejection more painful than what his fingers did to my neck.
“I nearly fucking killed you, Bell. I had my fucking hands around your throat and was taking your life. I thought you were trying to kill me. You think I want that on me? I can’t even look at you.” He spins and I stand, not ready for this to end. We have something worth fighting for. I’m not going to let him give up on us.
“Don’t you dare walk out of this room, Jesse Carter. I won’t allow you to push me away.” The determination blazing through me fails to deliver when my voice cracks. I watch him cringe in pain hearing it. Knowing he did this to me is going to kill him. It’s going to kill us.
“You have no choice.” Dread weighs heavy on my heart when I hear the desolation in his voice.
“I don’t have a choice? We promised each other honesty, Jesse.”
“You want honesty? Fine. You’re not what I need and I’m not what you need.”
“You don’t know what I need, Jesse. I told you I would take you any way, even if this is all you can give me.”
“You don’t get it. You will never get it.”
“I do, you know I do.” I step forward needing his touch, anything to center me.
“Bell, look at you and look at me. I’m so fucked up and I don’t need your fucked up on me either.”
His words hit unexpectedly like running into a glass door unaware. Embarrassment and pain boils through me when I realize how desperate I must look. Pleading for his love when he’s never given it.
“My fucked up?” I repeat his words, keeping my eyes on him. Part of me knows he’s pushing me away the only way he knows how, and I understand that. But it doesn’t stop the hurt. “You think I’m fucked up, Jesse?”
“Sweetheart, you’re twenty-three years old. You let your parents tell you what to do. You’re so caught up in finding your sister, you put your own life at risk. You walked into this club, gave yourself to me, and you’re so goddamn innocent I don’t know how to handle it.”
“Jesse,” Holly starts but I block her out. I block everything out as the world around me slows for a second. His words echoing around me.
“My sister is alive. I’m not going to give up on her.” A deep line creases between his brows, an expression mixed with pain and determination.
“Yeah, well, maybe you should. Jesus, Bell, don’t you think it’s time to move on. She ain’t coming back.” My hand snakes out fast, slapping him across the face as hard as I can.
“Don’t you dare fucking speak of her like she is dead! You heard Nix, they have a lead.” I’ve never hit anyone in my life, but the burning pain in my palm does nothing to calm me as I stand face to face with the man I thought I was in love with.
“She’s probably long gone, sweetheart. The sooner you realize it, the sooner you can move on, the sooner we can move on.”
“That’s enough. You’re both hurting right now. This isn’t the time or the place.” Sy steps in front of us, but Jesse isn’t done.
“Your family is what is holding you back, Bell. Can’t you see?” He begins to laugh and the need to slap him again tingles in my fingers, but I force it away. I don’t want to hurt him. I just want him to stop hurting me.
“All I see is hope, Jesse, and maybe you don’t get that. No, I know you don’t. You don’t understand a love like that, because you walk around thinking everything is about you. Everyone has done you wrong and you have no hand in anything. You have a family who wants to love you, but you make it so goddamn hard. You’re so fucked in the head you wrapped your hands around my neck and tried to kill me!” I snap my mouth shut as soon as the words spew out.
“Exactly,” he sighs, and it’s then I realize I just walked right into what he wanted. He played me.
“You know what? You’re right. You’re so messed up I feel sorry for you,” I whisper, knowing there is no saving us. We’re done. I can see it in his eyes. The way he’s shutting me out, I can’t save us.
“Don’t feel sorry for me, sweetheart. I deserve everything I get.” His tone drips in resentment. The need to go to him, and tell him not to be so hard on himself fades. He has done this to himself. He is the one who pushes everyone away. I’m done trying.
“You do deserve everything you get, Jesse. I never used to think you did, but standing here right now, I see it. You’re lonely because you want to be. You push everyone away ‘cause you’re scared. Scared they will see the man you have become. You’re scared of what loving me back means to you, so you’re going to push me away too.” I squeeze my eyes shut, swallowing past the pain.
“I do love you, Bell, but at what cost.” He points to my neck.
“This means nothing!” I point to my neck, but it doesn’t matter how hard I fight, it won’t change anything. Without another word, he turns and walks out, leaving me standing more alone than I’ve ever been in my life.
He breathed possibility into my life, showed me what I was missing, and in one night, he took it all away.
