Текст книги "Desertion"
Автор книги: River Savage
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Eight BELL
“You look beautiful, Bell.” My dad’s deep voice stops me as I step into our kitchen.
“Thanks, Dad.” I walk to where he sits at the bench and kiss his tanned cheek. He wraps his arms around me and squeezes me tightly in one of his six-foot bear hugs. He smells of metal and oil from his day at work down on the docks. His company builds boats and services them. He doesn’t normally get dirty, but since we just survived yet another anniversary of Paige being missing, he spends more and more time away.
“You stink. Let me go.” I pull back but he doesn’t release me just yet.
“Just a bit longer,” he says, before finally letting me go. I flick his ear and move away from him before he pulls me back.
“I’ll get you for that, squirt.” A slow smile spreads across his face, one that doesn’t reach his blue eyes. It never reaches anymore. Long gone is the man who would embarrass me with bad jokes and laugh until he would cry at our displeasure. The man who would drive us to sleep overs and scare boys away with his over protectiveness. I’m so used to seeing this older, sadder man who sits before me, I wouldn’t recognize that man any more.
“Where are you going tonight, Bell?” Mom asks, breaking up the small amount of lightness my dad lets himself have.
“Just to the movies with Lissy.” I let my lie roll off my tongue with ease. I’m not going to the movies with Lissy, but a date with a biker. Jesse. It’s wrong to lie to my mother, and I know I shouldn’t do it, but there is no way on God’s green earth she would be okay with me going on a date. Even if I’m twenty-three years old. I know how ridiculous it sounds. Believe me, if I weren’t me, I would think it was crazy, but after everything we have been through, I’ve never wanted to disappoint her, or stress her out with the thought of me dating.
“What movie are you seeing?” My younger sister asks as she slides up to the counter, catching my lie. I should have known she would be watching me. Ava was only twelve years old when Paige went missing. Her attitude toward Mom’s straight rules and Dad’s inability to rein her in has never gone down well. Her emo, grunge look she’s currently sporting is a testament to her rebellious attitude.
“I’m not sure yet. Probably some chick flick.” I flash her my you-can’t-catch-me grin.
“Well, just make sure you’re back before midnight.” Mom looks up from the pot she’s stirring. She’s beautiful, even for fifty. In the last six years, she has aged a lot, but her beauty remains. Paige looked the most like her, her light brown hair and dark eyes striking enough to make you look twice. Even now, if I sit long enough, I can see Paige, catch a glimpse of her in my mother’s features. I wonder what it’s like for my mom to look in the mirror, or for Dad, who constantly looks at her, to see the daughter they lost, looking back at them.
“I’m not sure I’m going to make it home before then, Mom.” I keep my voice level, even though I’m freaking out on the inside. I don’t know why I just did that, but with all the lies I’ve been telling, I can’t keep up. I need to be honest.
“What do you mean you’re not sure?” I can hear the tremor in her voice, see the distress in her face, but I can’t let it deter me. I need to stay strong. Pushing it tonight, of all nights isn’t wise, especially with my date with Jesse on the line. I know she’s only going to worry, but I can’t stop hearing Lissy’s words in my head. I need to step up, step away from a past that is holding me back.
“I’m going to message you,” I say, picking up my keys ready to drop this on her and then escape.
“Isabella,” she calls me by my given name and I cringe. She only calls me Isabella when I go against her wishes.
“Mom—”
“No, Isabella. You know I will worry.” Her hands find the counter, bracing for support.
“Karen,” Dad speaks up, but I can see my mom’s panic starting to deepen.
“Don’t Karen me.” She looks up at my father, silently demanding he step in. I can hear it now.
Chris, don’t you dare make me out to be the bad guy. Say something.
I know I’m hurting her; even the thought of me not agreeing to a curfew has her panicked, but what she doesn’t understand is she’s hurting me. Keeping me prisoner in her fear, caged in her insecurities is only pushing me away. Everything she is trying to do, to keep me here, is only making me want to pull away.
“I’m going to be safe.” I tell her like every other time I leave the house.
“You know I worry, Bell.” She steps forward and takes me in her arms.
“I know, Mom, but I’m not sixteen. I’m not Paige.” I flinch when I say it but she needs to hear it. She needs to hear it from me.
“That’s not fair, Isabella.” She recoils like I’ve slapped her, and it’s almost like I have.
“I know, Mom. But do you think this is fair for me? For Ava?” I step out of her arms and prepare for an argument that is sure to follow. I wasn’t prepared for it, but now I’ve started, I want to get it all out. I want her to know it’s not okay to make me feel this way.
“I’m trying to protect you,” she whispers and the sorrow behind her words is tough to hear.
“From what? From life? ’Cause it’s what you’re stopping us from doing. You’re stopping us from living our lives.” Her intake of breath tells me I’ve delivered my blow, but a part of me wants to push even further. At what point is it too much? Am I meant to sit back and be okay when every year goes by and I lose a bigger part of myself? She’s not happy she lost one child; she’s forcing us to lose ourselves?
“Bell, you should go. You don’t want to be late.” Dad steps in before Mom can react. I nod and carefully retreat.
“I’m sorry,” I say, but the damage has been done. Dad gives me a wink and nods to the door, while still holding my mom. I turn and catch my sister’s eyes. She drops her brows like she doesn’t get me. I’ve never stood up to my parents, always going with the flow. Seeing me stand up would be strange for her.
“I’ll message you when I’m on my way home,” I tell the room, but no one responds. “I love you,” I whisper, picking up my coat.
“Be safe, sweetheart,” Dad says over Mom’s head.
“I will,” I promise, taking one last look at Mom before I turn and head for the door. I love my family more than anything. Even though I just pushed my mom, I won’t allow myself to feel guilty. I need to live my life even if there’s a risk. I’m doing everything I can to find Paige. If they knew my reason, they would understand.
“Bell.” Jesse stands from the booth in Fireside Bar and waves me over. He wanted to pick me up, but I shot him down very quickly, telling him I would meet him. He didn’t push, but I could tell he wasn’t happy. I thought I’d risk an annoyed Jesse over my mother having a fit.
Taking a steady breath, I navigate myself through the dance floor, pushing past sweaty bodies, and make my way to Jesse. Wiping my hands down my jeans, I pray that my racing heart settles. I don’t know why Jesse makes me so nervous, but I do know there’s something about his bad-boy attitude and happy demeanor that draws me to him. Thinking about it, it’s the way he doesn’t care how people perceive him, or the way he takes any situation and sees everything as a joke. Like he can see the funny side in everything. I wish I could see it like him.
“You made it.” A crooked smile forms and my pulse quickens. It’s the same look he gave me when he pushed his fingers inside of me last week.
Raw.
Wild.
Free.
He’s wearing his Rebels’ cut and a pair of dark-washed jeans, completing his signature look. So simple, but he looks good, too good.
“You think I would’ve stood you up?” I lose my jacket and slide into the booth seat.
“It was fifty-fifty.” He laughs before sliding in next to me. I wasn’t expecting him to follow me in to this side, and all of a sudden, I feel trapped.
“Well, I want to find my sister.”
“Yes, your sister.” He clears his throat, and turns his body back to the table. His change in demeanor confuses me for a second. Did he really expect me to forget about Paige?
“Did you find anything out?” I ask, wondering if this is all for nothing.
“Spoke to my brother. He was a detective on your sister’s case up until last year.”
“Detective Carter?” I ask, shocked for a second. Wow, I didn’t pick up on the connection until now.
“Yeah.” He nods, not looking happy about it.
“You don’t look anything alike.” I compare Jesse’s blond hair and blue eyes to Detective Carter’s dark hair and brown eyes.
“Thank fuck too.” He runs a hand through his messy hair. “He’s an ugly fucker.” I don’t know if he really believes it, but Detective Carter is anything but ugly. “Why are you looking like you don’t agree?” he questions and I almost choke on my answer.
“Well, I wouldn’t call Jackson ugly.” I keep the truth in my answer.
“Jackson? You on a first name basis with all the detectives on your sister’s case or just my brother?” Jesse’s tone changes and his eyes darken while he waits for my answer.
“Well, he was working Paige’s case the first five years. We came to know each other. I was disappointed when he transferred out. Since then, I’ve had nothing. I think if I didn’t go in there once a month and remind them who she is, they’d forget.” I feel myself getting worked up.
“Should I be concerned you’re on first name basis with my brother?”
“I don’t know why it would concern you, Jesse.”
“Because if there’s more to whatever is happening here, then I need to know.”
“What is happening here?” I ask, but he doesn’t respond. “Jesse, the only thing happening here is I’m trying to find my sister.” He keeps quiet, watching me closely. I don’t know what he wants me to say. It’s almost like he’s jealous I know Jackson. Shaking the thought away I hold his stare. “Say something, Jesse.” The silence is too much.
“I want to fuck you, Bell. I’m not going to lie. There’s something about you.” He throws it out there, and just like every time he says something inappropriate to me, my stomach dips in excitement. How can words make me ache for something I have no business wanting?
“Jesse, I want to find my sister. Don’t make me do something I’m not ready for,” I reply, revealing my insecurities.
“I know. Which is why I can’t do this. I shouldn’t have used this against you. I’m sorry for putting this on you, Bell.” He slides out of the booth and stands.
“What? Where are you going?” I ask, panicked when my last chance of finding Paige is slipping away.
“I’m leaving. I shouldn’t have come. I’ll do what I can to help you find Paige. We don’t have to do this.”
“Wait.” The word falls over my lips before I know what I’m saying. He stops when my hand reaches up to his. “I don’t understand,” I stumble a little. What is it with him? I feel like he’s so hot and cold and I’m left dealing with the after effects and can’t catch up.
“You’re a good girl, Bell. I shouldn’t have asked you here.” He shakes his head. “You should go.”
“What if I don’t want to go?” Why I’m asking I don’t know, but my body refuses to get up and leave. Jesse has just given me an out, but the thought of cutting the date short disappoints me.
“You should want to go,” he whispers and I know he’s right, but tonight has been a night of firsts. This is the first time I’m listening to my heart, not my head.
“Why?” I ask, not understanding why he went through all this trouble to get me on a date and not even ten minutes into said date, he’s ready to leave.
“Believe me when I tell you I don’t want to leave, but I should,” he continues, not making sense to me.
“I’d very much like you to stay.” He doesn’t say anything nor does he move to come back to the booth, so I push a little more.
“Please.”
“If you insist, sweetheart.” He slides back in and the butterflies that have been swarming since I agreed to this date flutter and take flight again. I know a man like Jesse Carter is bad news, but I’ve come this far. Why give up so soon?
Nine JESSE
“Oh, my God.” Bell laughs at my stupid joke and I can’t help but laugh along with her. I’ve never wanted to make anyone laugh as much as I do with Bell. It’s been a few hours; we’ve eaten, talked, laughed and I even shared a few stories of my past.
“Do you take anything seriously?” she asks and I stop smiling to weigh her question.
“I spent a long time being serious, Bell.” She stops smiling this time and sits a little straighter.
“I can imagine it must have been hard for you, Jesse,” she says, looking up at me, and for a minute, I worry she can see past it all—the façade I put on for the world—but I know I’m over thinking it. Fuck, I’m not that person anymore. Some might say it would be impossible to call me serious. My father would say I’ve never taken anything seriously in my life, but it’s not the truth. When you’ve lived a life like mine, serious becomes you. I, for one, know what it’s like to stare death in the face, all those past disappointments, past pains, past losses, it all becomes meaningless. You become thankful for the goodness around, you become grateful for the second chances and you see everything in a different light.
“There’s a time and a place for serious, sweetheart,” I say, not prepared to get into it with her tonight. Our date, if you would call it that, has been anything but serious, and now is not the time to head down that path.
“You’re a puzzle, Jesse. You really are.” She takes a sip of her soda and I hold back my smile. When we ordered, I expected her to order some fancy chick drink, but she informed me she doesn’t drink alcohol. I don’t know why it pleases me, but it does. Maybe because she is just different from what I’m used to. It might make me a hypocrite but I don’t give a fuck. Dealing with someone who drinks and changes under the influence gets under my skin.
“You trying to figure me out, Bell?” I bounce my brows and just like that, a blush spreads across her cheeks. I’m walking a dangerous line teasing and playing with her like this, but I can’t help it. I tried to walk away, tried to spare her the pain and heartbreak I would eventually bring to her, but when she reached out her hand and touched me, I knew I was fucked. What is it about her? I know I’ll never be what she needs, but it’s not stopping me from getting what I need.
“I should get going.” She ignores my flirting and reaches for her phone.
“Don’t run away. I’ll behave, promise,” I half beg. If only the boys could see me now. Begging a woman to stay so we can talk more. I’m just not ready for her to leave me right now. I need to know more about her and what it is that draws me to her.
“You, behave?” She snorts and I burst out laughing.
“You’re a snorter,” I accuse and watch her eyes bug out of her head. Jesus, she’s cute.
“I am not!” she scoffs but I can tell she agrees. “I really should get going. My mom will freak out if I’m too late,” she says as she types into her phone. I look down at my watch and see it’s half past twelve.
“You have a curfew?” I don’t know if she’s joking, or if she is just trying to get out of our date early. I know she is a little younger than me, but at twenty-three, you would think she shouldn’t have to worry about her parents.
“Not really.” She tips her head sideways. It’s only a small gesture, but something changes in her eyes, like she’s lost in a memory and can’t find her way out. “My mom kind of freaks out if I’m out too late. Ever since Paige never came home, she’d been different.”
“Makes sense.” I nod, not pushing the subject. Jackson said they were messed up, and I get it.
“Well, thank you for dinner. Surprisingly, I had a good night.” She begins to slide out of the booth. Giving me the cue to move.
“You’re surprised you had a good night?” I question as I drop a hundred down on the table.
“Let me pay, too,” she begins to fight me on it, but I don’t let her.
“You were saying you had a good night.” I turn to her.
“If I’m being honest, yeah I did.” She pushes her arms into her jacket.
“Well, now I’m shocked,” I tease.
“Well, you should be. You’re incorrigible, Jesse.” She shakes her head and picks up her purse.
“I can’t help it with a beautiful woman like you.” She rolls her eyes but I ignore it and follow her out to her car. I can tell when she fights her reaction to my lame jokes, as she calls them, and I find myself trying to make her react with each one.
“Can I get your number?” I ask when we slow our pace in front of a row of cars. We passed my bike a few spaces back, but I want to make sure she gets to her ride safely.
“Jesse, don’t.”
“I need to be able to contact you with any information,” I tell her, watching her start to freak out.
“Oh, okay.” She nods and shoots off her number for me to add. I send her a quick text for her to have mine and then pocket my phone.
“When Jackson gets the files, we can see where we need to go from there.” I step forward. She retreats slowly but doesn’t protest.
“I really appreciate everything, Jesse.” She swallows and I can tell having me so close affects her.
“I really want to kiss you, Bell.” The words fall from my mouth and I don’t even care. It’s true. I want to kiss her so fucking bad.
“I don’t think this is a good idea,” she whispers, but I’ve never been one to give up so easily.
“I think it’s the best idea I’ve had all night,” I tell her, taking her face in my hands.
“Jesse,” she sighs, but I don’t let her get another word out. My mouth descends to hers, and after what feels like an eternity, I’m kissing her.
The kiss starts out slow, gentle with my uncertainty, her body frigid with her unease. When her hands move to my shoulders, I know she’s not going to push me away. My tongue skirts out, craving to taste her. She opens, slightly awkward in her movements, so I take charge of the kiss and own her fucking mouth.
“Open,” I order, my lips still pressed to hers. She obeys, opening and allowing my tongue the entrance it’s searching for. Her tongue carefully slides out, dancing gently against mine. It’s exactly how I expected her to kiss. Soft, gentle and unsure. Deepening the kiss, I hold her harder against me, her large soft breasts pressing against my chest. My cock strains in my jeans and I know she can feel it against her stomach. A low rumble erupts from my chest when her leg comes up wrapping around me. Molding to me. If I were with anyone else, outside standing in the dark and in an open parking lot, I’d have them against a car pounding into them, but I don’t, because this is Bell, sweet, innocent Bell. Running my hand up her leg, I wrap my fingers around her calf and release her from me. She sighs against my mouth, the sound going straight to my gut. Jesus, this needs to end now.
Slowing the kiss, I gently pull back and lean my forehead against hers.
“This can’t happen here, Bell.” I hate myself for saying it, and I might be a fucking idiot for stopping this, but I know in the heat of the moment, I could get her to submit and then after she would hate me.
“Oh, God.” She pulls back her hand covering her mouth. She looks disheveled, her eyes shining with arousal, and my mind moves to how she would look after I’ve thoroughly fucked her. Jesus, what I wouldn’t do to see that look, under me.
“Relax, it’s okay,” I try to reassure her but it doesn’t help.
“I have to go.” She spins and fumbles with her keys. I want to step in and try to calm her, tell her what just happened is okay. But I can’t do it because I can’t trust myself around her. I want her more than I’ve ever wanted anyone before, and that alone is dangerous. I vowed a long time ago never to want anything or anyone. When you put yourself on the line and allow yourself to want something, you open yourself up to disappointments. My life is full of so much disappointment I couldn’t bear to have more thrown in my face. I need to stay away from Bell Johnson. She makes me want, but it just can’t happen.
ME: I had a good night
I send the text off the next morning to Bell as I walk into Liquid. My vow to stay away from Bell lasted less than twelve hours. Last night was a first for me, for a lot of things. I went on a date, one that didn’t end in sex, plus I slept without a nightmare.
I pocket my phone and continue about my day, getting the club restocked for one of the biggest nights of the week.
“Hey, Jesse, have you got a replacement for Sarah tonight?” Tammy asks, coming out of the office. Tammy likes to keep me in check.
“Not yet. Was hoping I could convince you to find me one.” I smile my cheeky smile at her, but I know it won’t work. Tammy is immune to my ways. I fucked her once, last year. And afterward felt like the biggest asshole in the world ‘cause she needed this job. She’s a single mother with a dead-beat ex. Nix, ripped me a new one after finding out and when things cooled down, I offered her a management position and since then, things have run a lot smoother.
“How this place runs is beyond me sometimes.” She shakes her head and turns back to the office to call in someone.
“Love you,” I call out, but she just gives me the finger. Yeah, she loves me. I laugh and go back to what I was doing. My phone beeps from my pocket and like a pansy-ass bitch, I reach for it hoping it’s Bell.
BELL: Jesse Carter, are you abusing my number?
Bell’s text lights up my screen and I can’t help but laugh.
ME: Guilty, but can you blame me?
I text back and wait patiently for a reply.
BELL: I don’t know about blame, but I could block.
Her reply has me laughing my ass off. Sexy and funny.
ME: Block me and I’ll have to start coming up to the hospital to talk to you.
I reply and now I’ve put it out there, I’m thinking it’s a good idea. I wait a few minutes and when I get no reply, I start to wonder if she thinks it’s too much, too soon. Leaving it be, I go about the rest of my morning with the idea to visit when I head into the burn unit later on this afternoon. I think if I can wear her down, I might be able to get her to cave.
I just have to be persistent.
“Hey there, Bell.” I push off the wall in front of the hospital elevators later that day.
“W-what are you doing here, Jesse?” Bell looks up, shocked to see me.
“Just finished up at the burn unit.” I nod to the wing where I spend one night a week holding a support group.
“Oh, right.” She shakes her head and I know she thought I was here for her. What she doesn’t know is I finished up an hour ago. I hung back waiting to see her.
“You finished for the night?” I ask, watching her gather herself. I like that she gets flustered around me. Probably too much.
“Yeah, just did a double.” She fumbles in her bag searching for something.
“Want to get something to eat?” I ask, watching her reaction and the little tells she gives.
“Umm,” she stumbles, vying for time to shut me down. I can see the way her eyes skirt all over my face, yet she can’t look me in the eye. She’s about to run, but I didn’t wait around for her to blow me off.
“I’m not taking no for an answer.” I take her arm in my hand and pull her to a stop.
“Text messages and stalking me at work. Should I be worried, Jesse?” She looks up at me, and the overwhelming urge to kiss her has me coming undone.
“Only if you say no,” I joke and watch her shake her head. “It’s just food, Bell.” I push, and I can see she wants to. See the need in her eyes when I reach for her. The way she holds herself around me. “Two friends, eating food,” I add. I don’t know what else to call what it is that is happening here, but friends seems like a good start.
“Okay, fine. Let me message my mom.” She gives in and I almost cringe when she says it. I feel like what we’re doing is wrong, when in fact it’s not.
“Good, let’s go.” I let her go and step back to follow her to the parking lot. “So how was your day?” I ask when she finishes typing out her text.
“Long,” she answers, dropping her phone in her bag. “What about you?”
“Yeah, had a few errands and the group session.” I shrug, not thinking much of my relaxed day. It’s not often they happen. The clubs always keep me busy, both Liquid and the Rebels, but with Nix and Kadence dealing with family shit, things have been quiet.
“Do you come to the burn unit often?” She finally looks up, giving me her eyes.
“Yeah, once a week. I used to come more often, but with Liquid and club shit, I really don’t get to come down as often as I like.”
“I don’t recall ever seeing you down there,” she notes, and now I’ve had a taste of her, I’m going to make it my mission she sees me more.
“You would know if you see me down there, Bell,” I joke, knocking her shoulder and she snorts.
“Seriously?” She stops and turns to me.
“Sorry, bad habit.” I smile, shrugging it off. I can’t help it. They are lame, but it’s too good not to go there. She shakes her head and continues walking.
“This is me. Where do you want to go to eat?” She stops at her car and opens the door.
“I’ll meet you at Happy Chef,” I tell her, eager for a good burger.
“Okay, meet you there.”
“Drive safe.” I wink and close her door. I walk back to my bike quickly to follow behind her. I know I won’t have much time with her, so I need to make the most of it.
We pull up to the front of Happy Chef a few minutes later. I park my bike, and walk over to Bell’s car.
“I can’t stay long,” she lets me know as we make it inside. The diner is busy, but there are a few tables in the back.
“Come on then, before you turn into a pumpkin,” I joke and move her toward the back.
“Hey, no making fun of me,” she says, sliding into the first free booth.
“Okay, no pumpkin jokes. Got it.” I wink and slide in next to her.
“I’m serious, Jesse. I already get a lot of flack from my friends for my situation. I don’t need anymore,” she whispers into her menu.
“Hey.” I stop and wait for her to look up. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry. I won’t go there,” I promise and she nods. I don’t know how she does it, how she pulls off being so calm after everything her and her family have been through.
“Thanks.” She smiles and goes back to her menu. I watch her for a few moments, observing how she scans the menu, her eyes moving over each word as she weighs up her options. I take note how the slight dip in her chin deepens as she moves her lips, mouthing each word, and the way her tongue pokes out after a few words. I take it all in and realize I’m sitting here, staring, getting lost in the way she is reading a menu and I know I’m fucked.
I, Jesse Carter, am fucked.
“Text messages, stalking and now staring. I think I need a restraining order, Mr. Carter.” Bell looks up, catching me.
“Well, by all means, sweetheart, but I must warn you, I don’t think it would help.” I sit back and make myself comfortable. “Which would be a problem. I’m too good-looking for jail.” Her eyes light up at my challenge but she doesn’t argue. Instead, she watches me closely, running her eyes over my face. I know I’m laying it on thick, but it’s the way I am. Never one to take life seriously, I patiently wait for her to come back with something funny. “You can’t deny it, can you?” I whisper, watching the dimple on the left side of her cheek deepen as we lock eyes. I cock a brow.
“Fine, you’re right, you’re too pretty. I’ll let it slide this time, but watch it, friend,” she says, and I don’t miss her tone on the word friend. I don’t give a fuck how she sees it, how she thinks it’s going to be. At this stage, I’ll take her any way I can get her.
And fuck it if that makes me a goner.
I’m already lost. What’s the point in fighting it?
“So let me get this straight. You were a firefighter, a Marine, and now you’re a biker?” She sounds sleepy asking her question. I know I should probably end the call, but it’s becoming the best part of my day when we talk over the phone late at night. It’s been a week since I had dinner with Bell. A week of trying every day to get away to see her, but I haven’t had the chance. Between Liquid and the club, I’ve been stretched thin. Which is why I’ve been calling every night.
“Yeah, I told you this last week,” I tell her, remembering the conversation we had about my past over dinner at the Happy Chef. The one time I’ve ever talked about why I was no longer a firefighter.
“You did?” She shuffles and I know she’s sitting up.
“You’re beginning to forget our talks, Bell. What am I going to do with you?” I tease, hoping to change the subject. I don’t want to talk about something that plagues me constantly.
“What about you? Did you always want to be a nurse?”
“Not really. It’s something Paige wanted to do.” I catch the sadness in her voice and it twists something in me. I wish whatever feelers we have out there, would hurry up and fucking give us something. Jackson and even T’s men are all on it, but so far we’ve got nothing.
“So you decided to be a nurse for your sister?” I push, wanting to know more and more about her.
“I guess. I didn’t think about it. I had to decide and I wanted to do something to remember her. For my mom and dad to be proud,” she answers, and it hits me like a punch to the stomach. Bell and I are somewhat alike. Doing things to please our parents.
“Do you regret it?”
“Regret what?” she asks, not understanding.
“Doing something you didn’t want to do, just to please your parents?”
“I don’t know. I think sometimes I wonder what I would have done if Paige never went missing, but then I realize there’s no point in wondering. I just have to move forward the best I can.”
“Are you really though? Moving forward?” I find myself asking. After everything we have talked about, I’m not sure Bell really is moving forward.
“I guess I am, but I don’t like change. I don’t want to worry my family. I feel…” she trails off, searching for the right word.
“Lost?” I ask, liking the more I talk to her, the more I get her.
“Yeah, lost. I don’t always, but sometimes I wonder what if. Do you? What if things never happened the way they did?”
“All the time, sweetheart. But you still have to live your life.”
“Yeah, true.” She yawns and I know it’s time to hang up. As much as I don’t want to end our conversation, we both have work tomorrow.
“Okay, Bell, I’ve gotta go to sleep now.”
“Okay Jesse,” she says and it makes me smile. Jesus, I’m fucking pussy whipped without getting the pussy.
“Night,” I say and wait for her reply.
