Текст книги "Desertion"

Автор книги: River Savage

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Seventeen JESSE

“Is it so bad you want me?” She asks so innocently it’s almost laughable.

“Bad, no. Dangerous? Yes.” I pull out of her grasp and she falls back.

“What’s so dangerous about wanting someone, Jesse?” She comes up to her elbows and looks at me.

“Sweetheart, after everything you have been through, the last thing you need is me fucking with your life.”

“Then don’t fuck with me. Don’t hurt me, Jesse.” She sits up and connects her mouth to mine. But I need her to know it’s only inevitable. I push her back, and stand, needing distance.

“But I will. Trust me, Bell. As much as I fucking want this, as much as fighting it gets harder, I’m going to hurt you. I’ve never let anyone in like this, with you, it’s different. Hell, everything is different. I worry about how much I am going to hurt you, or worse, fuck up your life. I’m a bad person, Bell. I’ve fucked up more than you could imagine.” I feel my cock start to soften and I know this isn’t going to end the way I wanted. I needed to be inside of her, now. Not talking about this shit.

“What are you so afraid of, Jesse?

“I’m afraid you’ll be another person I fail.”

“I don’t believe that.” She shakes her head, and of course she doesn’t. Bell is so innocent; she can’t even see when the big bad wolf is banging on her door.

“You don’t have to believe it, sweetheart. I know it and that’s enough.”

“Jesse, I see you. I see you more than you think. I see you at the hospital, helping them down in the burns unit. I see the way you stepped up and offered to help me find Paige. The way you talk about your club. I see you, Jesse Carter. I see everything about you.”

“You see what I allow you to see, Bell. What I allow everyone to see.” I start to take my frustration out on her. She thinks she knows me, thinks she can see me, but I know better.

“You think you have everyone fooled?” She sits up and rights her dress. “You hide behind this fun-loving person, cracking your lame jokes. You don’t have me fooled, Jesse.”

“You should go,” I punch out as the walls start to close in around me. Fuck, why is she pushing this?

“I’m not going anywhere.” She squares her shoulders and I know she wants to have it out.

“I don’t want you here,” I sneer when I have nothing left to argue.

“Because I’m right? You want me to leave because I’m right.” She stands from the bed and moves closer.

“No, because you’re so wrong that I’m itching to show you just how fucked up I am,” I tell her and she shakes her head in disappointment. The disappointment is almost worse coming from her. Until I remember I live with it every day. Better to face it sooner rather than later.

“What happened to you?” she whispers, and even if I had all day to tell her the fucked existence of my life, I don’t think I could bear her pity. “Let me in, Jesse. Show me what you’re trying to hide.”

I hold her in my arms wishing I could let her in, but know I can’t. “Just drop it,” I tell her, leaning down to kiss her. I know she won’t stop, so I try a different tactic. “I’m going to take care of you, Bell,” I say, walking her back to the bed. I push her back and follow her down. My dick stirs to life again and I decide I need to get back to what we were doing.

She knows what I’m doing—hiding—but she lets me have that play.

“Jesse.” She looks up wanting to fight but I won’t allow it.

“Shh.” I move between her legs, spreading them wide. She doesn’t shy away from me this time, and I’m fucking grateful I get to see the view. Her pretty pink lips are still swollen from the orgasm I just gave her. “Fucking hell, you’re fucking perfect, Bell,” I tell her and watch a small smile threaten to appear.

I fucking love that about her. As much as she is innocent she still trusts what I say. Knows I’m not fucking around. “I’m going to fuck you now, baby. The way I should have the first time.” I lean down and kiss her neck.

“The first time was perfect, Jesse.” But we both know that isn’t true. Pulling back, I rip my shirt over my head and make fast work on my jeans. Her eyes find my dog tags first, and then move to the tattoo on my side.

“You hide your ink,” she states as I reach over for a condom. I’m not surprised by the statement or the shock in her tone.

“Not hiding, just choose wisely what I want.” I don’t have anything against ink, but other than my club tattoo on my back and the piece Sy has been working on, I’m clean.

“What is it?” Her hand reaches out, running a finger along the intricate details of the skull.

“Just some piece I drew.”

“You drew this?” She sits up and follows a path leading around to my back. Shades of black move into grey as her finger follows the design into a rose. Names of fallen brothers all hidden in the piece and represented in a contrast of good and evil. Life and death.

“It’s amazing, Jesse.” Her eyes come back to mine, and for a second, I think she might see through it all. The beauty and decay that is my life.

“Why are you still dressed?” I move the attention off me and direct it on her. The corners of her mouth twitch but she doesn’t respond.

“Get naked, dirty girl,” I demand, then watch her lose the dress. Her tits are packed away in some lacy bra shit and my hands itch to reach out and tear the offending item off. “I want to see every inch of you, sweetheart,” I encourage and watch her shaky hands reach back and unclip her bra. Her tits spill out and my hand moves to one, taking it in my hand. I’ve always been a tit man, but the bitches I take to bed are normally full of silicone. I know hers are natural and I fucking love it.

“You have amazing tits, baby,” I tell her as I move to place the small pink nipple in my mouth.

“Ahh,” she moans as I roll the tight bud between my teeth.

“Fucking amazing,” I tell her, then move to the other. She’s so responsive, while still holding onto her innocence.

Her hands move to my shoulders, her gentle touch, sending me into a tailspin. I pull back and take my cock in my hand. Her eyes follow my movement.

“See what you do to me? My cock knows what he’s about to get, and fuck, if he isn’t happy about it.” I play and she shakes her head. I roll the condom down my length, move between her legs and let the tip of my cock rest at her entrance. “You okay?” I ask, suddenly worried it won’t be good for her.

“Yes, it isn’t the first time.” She laughs but it doesn’t calm me.

Fuck, I need to make it good for her.

I take my cock and slowly run it back and forth along her wetness, before tapping her clit a few times. My body is eager to sink back inside of her, but I know I have to do it slowly.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” I admit, feeling unsure, again. Fuck me, I’m beginning to feel grateful she didn’t tell me.

“Jesse, I’m not going to break. Please.” Her hands lock around my neck and she pulls me down to her. I don’t fight it, letting my cock find where it needs to be, pushing only a little bit to enter. She doesn’t tense; instead, she spreads her legs wider to accommodate me.

“Oh,” she squeaks, when I push a little harder and I halt.

“Are you okay?” I ask and she nods. But I don’t know if I trust her.

“Don’t go all soft on me, Jesse. Please, I want this,” she encourages and it’s all I need to sink all the way in. I push in, feeling her heat hug my cock tightly, and I take a minute to savor the moment. The tightness of her pussy encasing me feels good. Fucking too good.

“Move,” she moans, and I don’t have to be told twice. My hips start pumping, slowly at first. Keeping my eyes on her face, I watch carefully to see how she responds. When her eyes roll back, I know she’s into it.

“Touch those big tits for me, sweetheart,” I tell her, watching her hands move at my command. “Now show me how you want to be touched, so I know for next time.” I continue to slide in and out of her as both her thumbs and forefingers roll each nipple. My eyes lock onto her movements. She pulls hard and the sight of it excites me more.

“You like it rough,” I push out, building my strokes.

“Yes,” she moans, her back arching, tilting her hips up with each of my thrusts. My hands move to her inner thighs, pushing them back, I try to find a way to bury myself deeper.

“Fucking feels so good, baby,” I moan, wishing it would never end. I could fucking get lost in her, over and over.

“Jesse,” she softy cries, and I start to relax into it. My balls tense and I know I’m not going to last much longer, but I need her to come with me.

“Yes, sweetheart. You need to let it go,” I urge, my orgasm calling me closer and closer.

“I can’t.” She shakes her head, fighting it. I release my hold on her leg, and move to her clit.

“Ahhh.” She jolts at the touch, and I work it hard to help push her over.

“You’re going to give it to me, Bell,” I tell her, pumping harder and harder. “Do you understand me?” I ask, seeing her excitement skirt along her skin in a light blush. She nods but I need words.

“Words, sweetheart. Give me words.”

“Yes, Jesse.”

“Just let your body take over,” I order, as my orgasm hits. My balls tense before I release, sending me over to a whole new world of pleasure. “Fuck,” I curse, heat coursing through my veins. My vision blurs, Bell’s face distorts, as a euphoric release washes over me. I can hear her cry out under me, but my orgasm shuts down all my senses and zones in on the feeling of releasing myself inside of her.

Limbs numb, breath choppy, I find myself slowly starting to move again. I knew I wouldn’t be able to make her come with me, but that doesn’t stop me from trying now.

“We’re not finished, baby,” I tell her as she moves her hips with mine. I start to pull out of her, eager for her taste again, but her legs hook around me, keeping me planted inside of her.

“No, don’t leave,” she pants, my finger still stroking her clit. “Like last time,” she says before moaning. My finger moves faster, eager to feel her tense over my cock.

“You’re so beautiful, Bell.” My eyes don’t leave hers, making sure I memorize this picture in my head. “So fucking beautiful,” I whisper and I know she’s close. I roll my hips slowly again, my erection never leaving, but eager for more.

“Jesse, I’m gonna…” She moans before throwing her head back. Her pussy milks my cock as she thrashes beneath me, and if I hadn’t just come, I’d be blowing my load again.

“Oh, my God,” she gasps when she comes back to herself. “I never knew it could be that good,” she admits, her face flush from her arousal. I hold back a cheesy remark, not wanting to ruin the moment.

“It’s not always that good, sweetheart,” I state before leaning down and taking her mouth. She kisses me back this time with more confidence and I can’t help but feel proud that I’ve encouraged that in her. Fuck, what is wrong with me? I shouldn’t be thinking about that. I pull back all of a sudden, needing some space. I’m getting too caught up in her.

“Are you okay?” She shifts when I pull out and roll to the side.

“Yeah.” I move to stand and walk to the bathroom to clean up. I come back and see her still lying in the same spot. Her hair a mess around her, arms slack at her side, I look over her naked body and know she’s nothing like I’ve ever had before. As much as this is all new to her, it’s new to me, too.

“You sure you’re okay?” She sits up, noticing my distance.

“Yeah, I just realized I have to be somewhere.” I look away, feeling like an ass for pulling this shit on her.

“Oh, okay. Yeah, I really should get going.” She starts, looking for her discarded clothes and seeing her fumble has me back tracking.

“You want to come with me?” I find myself asking. I really do have to go somewhere. It’s just not a good idea to take her with me. Or perhaps it is. I hardly know what’s right and wrong any more.

“Oh, it’s okay.” She finally finds her panties and steps into them. I stay quiet and watch her movements. How the fuck has no man ever had her? I watch her gather her hair up on top of her head and secure it with a band.

“I’d like you to come with me,” I keep spewing my shit. Jesus, I don’t know when to stop. She turns and smiles, and by God, it almost fucking kills me.

“Where are you going?” she asks, covering up her tits with her bra.

“You wanna see what type of man I am? I’m going to show you.”

“Jesse, I already know what type of man you are.” She shakes her head while stepping into her dress.

“Just come. Let me show you. Show you what I live with.” It suddenly becomes more than showing her so she knows, but showing her so she understands why I keep pushing and pulling.

“Okay, Jesse. But just so you know, nothing you could show me would change my mind.” She sits on the bed and puts her shoes back on. I don’t reply, just quietly wonder if she’ll be saying that when we get there. Every time she gives a little more of herself, a part of me wonders if it could be different. The only way to know is to find out if she really will be okay with what I have done.

Why it matters, I don’t know.

I’ll never be okay with what I’ve done. Why would she?

“What are we doing here?” she asks thirty minutes later when I cut the engine of my bike.

I look around the quiet parking lot of the Rehabilitation Center but don’t go into detail.

“Just come,” I say, needing her to see, rather than be told. She nods and follows me to the main entrance.

“Hey Betty.” I smile to the older nurse behind the reception desk and sign both Bell and I in.

“Ahhh, Mr. Carter, how are you, dear?” She returns my smile before looking over at Bell. “And who do we have here today?”

“Hi, I’m Bell.” Bell steps forward and waves her fucking cute wave. Jesus, everything she does is cute.

“Oh, she’s a pretty one, Jesse. She your girlfriend?”

“No,” I say, looking over at Bell for a reaction. We haven’t labeled our fuck-slash-friendship relationship. I’ve never had someone to call my woman. Never wanted to either. Even if Bell makes me want things I shouldn’t have, I’m not about to claim her now for the sake of Betty.

“Mmmh,” Betty murmurs and I ignore her as I hand over the visitor log.

“How is he doing today?” I ask, aware Betty will know. I’ve been coming everyday the last three weeks. I’m familiar with all the nurses and know his schedule, but sometimes, he can be up, while other times he will be down.

“He had a bad night with pain last night. He might perk up now that you’re here.” I nod, take Bell’s hand and guide her down the corridor to Conner’s room in silence.

“What are we doing here, Jesse?” she stops and asks before I can push open the door.

“I need to show you what I’m responsible for. What I live with every day.” She doesn’t get it right now, but she will.

“Okay, Jesse,” She nods and I turn the handle and push open the door.

The room is dark. A small amount of light comes from the bathroom to the left of the room. I know he’s probably sleeping and he hates being woken, but I’ve had the balls to bring Bell today, so I’m not backing out now.

“You awake, Conner?” Conner’s sleeping form shifts as I flick the light switch.

“What the fuck do you want, asshole?” he yawns, shifting his head into the pillow.

“Language, fucker. You’ve got a visitor.” I look down at Bell, watching her take in the room.

“Umm, hi. I’m Bell.” Bell steps forward when Conner lifts his head off the pillow.

“The fuck, Jesse? Some notice when you bring in ladies, asshole,” he says, then looks back to check out Bell. I don’t blame him. Bell is fucking hot, but I second-guess my decision to bring her here when I see the glint in the asshole’s eye.

“Conner, Bell. Bell, Conner,” I introduce the two with less enthusiasm than I’m feeling.

“Nice to meet you, Bell.” He smiles a crooked smile and tries to extend his good arm out. It takes a few tries before he is able to extend it all the way. Bell steps forward and takes his hand in hers.

“You too, Conner.” Her smile deepens, moving her dimple across her cheek.

“What are you doing here, asshole?” Conner turns his gaze to me.

“Just in the area.” I shrug, not prepared to tell him I brought in Bell to show her what an asshole I am.

“And you thought you would bring in a pretty lady to stare at the freak.” Conner seethes on the word freak.

“Oh, God. No. We would never,” Bell gasps, not understanding Conner and his humor.

“I’m just fucking with you, Bell.” Conner beams his grin back at her. Yeah this was a bad idea.

“Quit looking at her, fucker,” I grumble under my breath, but I know he heard me.

“So, Bell, what are you doing with this asshole?” Conner slowly asks. I can see he’s about to have some fun, and I don’t blame him. I would too. I just hope he doesn’t push too far.

“He kind of dragged me,” she sasses, and she’s right. I dragged her, but only for her own good.

“Of course he did.” Conner laughs, firing a you’re-so-full-of-shit look my way. “So what do you do, Bell?”

“I’m a nurse.”

“Jesus, Jesse. You brought me a hot nurse. Do you hate me that much?” At his dig, my smile falls away, and I can’t help but hate myself a little more. “Take a joke, Jesse.” He laughs at my reaction so I force a chuckle.

“Don’t mind him, Bell, he’s got some misplaced guilt when it comes to me. I just like fucking with him,” Conner tells Bell.

“I think I’m getting that,” Bell murmurs and looks up at me.

“But he’s wrong.” He shakes his head, getting pissed off. “He has nothing to feel guilty about. Fucking life happens. Shit happens, man.”

“Can I ask what happened?” Bell steps closer to the bed.

“Afghan, ‘07.” He describes it like one might reminisce about a summer vacation. “Our convoy took a hit. Lost one leg that day, been fighting for the other ever since.” Conner pushes back his sheet, exposing both of his legs, one stumped off above the knee, the other stumped just below the knee.

Conner lost his right leg instantly when our convoy was hit; we both knew he was in trouble. But thankfully, they were able to salvage his left leg. However, five years on, after extensive rehab and surgery, he’s never regained full use. It was only a month ago that the doctors and Conner agreed for more drastic measures and moved forward with an elective amputation.

Bell doesn’t react, just nods and pulls up a chair next to the bed.

“Thank you for your service,” she finally says after a few minutes, and I realize this excursion is not going to end how I thought. I should have known better. A woman like Bell, even after everything she has been through, she wouldn’t turn away from this. From me.

“You did this then?” She looks up at me, not holding back.

“It was my fault, yes.”

“The fuck it was,” Conner jumps in ready to defend my honor.

“You did this or you didn’t, Jesse. What is it?” Bell asks again.

“What the fuck have you been telling people, Carter?” Conner asks; however, I’m too caught up in Bell’s stare to answer.

“I’m the reason he’s in this hospital,” I tell them.

“How?” Conner asks this time. “You fire at me?”

“No.”

“You set out that day to blow us up?”

“Fucking hell, Conner.” I sigh, knowing where he’s heading. No, I didn’t fucking blow our Humvee up, but I couldn’t get him out quick enough.

“Explain to me how this is your fault?”

“You never wanted any of this. You begged me, Conner. Did I fucking listen?” I hear Conner’s words in my head.

“Jesse, we’ve been over this. I wasn’t thinking straight.” Conner sighs, but I don’t need him to tell me he’s okay with it. I was there. I relive his pleas to let him die every night. He never wanted this.

“Besides, you see me moping around?” he fires and he’s right. I just don’t get his fucking upbeat attitude. I escaped with a fractured ankle and a shattered tibia, which ultimately ruined my career, but I can still live a normal life. Conner’s life revolves around rehab and surgery after surgery.

“Jesse.” Bell comes back into the conversation but I know what she’s going to say. I just don’t need to hear it.

“I need some air. Be back.” I move to the door. I see Bell stand but I don’t want her around me.

“Don’t, Bell,” I warn, not looking back.

“Leave him, Bell.” I hear Conner say but I don’t stick around to hear her reply. I’m out of there before the walls close in around me and I’m back in the Humvee, with the smell of burned flesh singeing my nostrils.

If only it was me that lost my legs.