Текст книги "Desertion"
Автор книги: River Savage
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Текущая страница: 17 (всего у книги 23 страниц)
Thirty-One JESSE
“Carter, just let me go,” Conner pleads as I do my best to make a tourniquet on his leg with my belt. The barrage lifted a few minutes ago, leaving the smell of burnt flesh and death behind.
“We need a medic!” I shout, still waiting for the medevac.
“I don’t wanna live like this.” Conner keeps fighting, pushing me away as I release his belt to start on the second leg.
“Conner, Jefferies is gone. I’m not fucking losing you too. Do you hear me?”
“Incoming.” Wilcox the convoy leader finds his way into the Humvee to update us. “Medevac is two beats out,” he informs us with a nod.
“Roger,” I reply, then send a silent prayer that we get him out of here alive. The truth is, deep down, a part of me understands his plea. If I was in the same position, one leg blown off, and the other fucked up who knows how bad, I wouldn’t want to live either.
“What sort of fucking life is this? Just fucking kill me, just do it now, Carter. Please, just fucking end this for me.”
I wake with a jolt to the sound of Conner’s pleading.
Jesus fuck.
“You okay, Jesse?” my mom’s voice floats from across the room. I sit up realizing I’m not at home, but in my father’s hospital room. Shit, I must have drifted off.
“Err, yeah.” I rub at my face. “What’s the time?” I ask, looking over at my father. He hasn’t moved since I’ve been here, the machine next to him delivering enough pain relief to keep him from waking up to see me. What a waste of time.
“Eleven. He hasn’t woken.” She stands and moves closer to the bed. She fiddles with some wires, and then pushes some buttons until the machine beeps, breaking the silence of the dark room.
“I don’t think I can do this, Mom,” I blurt without thinking. Wiping my sweaty hands on my jeans, I stand and get ready to retreat.
“Why is it so hard for you to let go, Jesse?” She looks up, her eyes have sunken in from the stress of it all, aging her more than her sixty-five years.
“Why didn’t you ever leave him?” I reply with my own question. I don’t expect her to comment, but I wait anyway. I mean, growing up experiencing everything we had, I think at the very least I deserve to know why she stayed.
“I thought about it a few times. Even made it as far as packing a bag once. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it.” She shocks me and I can’t keep the accusation out of my voice any longer.
“Why would you stay if you had the chance to get away?”
She moves back to the chair she was sitting in, and shakes her head once before taking a deep breath. “There are things you don’t know, Jesse. Things he’s seen, things he went through as a child.”
“Things that excuse him for beating us, beating you?” I push, needing more. Smoke and mirrors have always been Mom’s way of dealing. I’m not accepting that anymore. For a long time I hated her too. Often wondering how I was supposed to trust her when she stood by and allowed the abuse to happen. She was just as much to blame as him. But after a while, that blame shifted to pity. I witnessed my mother's physical and mental suffering, I saw her limitations, her inabilities and how her world was shrunken. I saw myself in her.
“Your father was a sick man, Jesse. Ever since he came back from his first tour, I knew he had changed. At first, I thought it was just a phase, something he would eventually get through, but it only escalated. He promised me he would get help and I believed him. In sickness and in health…”
“But he never did, so why didn’t you leave?” I push for more, not allowing her to hide behind her fear any longer.
“I wouldn’t have been able to give you boys the lives you had without him, Jesse. A single mom, three boys. What sort of life would that have been?” she asks, and I almost laugh.
“You think we had a good life? The schools, the clothes, everything he provided for us, it meant nothing.”
“It meant something to me, Jesse. I wanted to give you boys everything I could. I’m not saying it was the right decision, but I tried my hardest. I second-guessed everything, but in the end, I loved him. I couldn’t do it. And maybe that makes me a bad mom, a doormat wife, but I couldn’t walk away from him when he needed me.”
“Yeah, well, guess that’s where we differ, Mom. I’m not so forgiving. He doesn’t deserve the peace you all think he does.”
“You’re right but, son, you deserve peace. Forgiveness isn’t about the person asking to be forgiven; it’s about allowing yourself permission to stop hurting. Walking around with this much hatred in your life isn’t going to go away when he dies, Jesse. What he did to you, to me, to our family, it will always be with us, but you need to separate the ugliness growing inside of you before it takes over. Don’t you want peace for yourself?”
“That man took my peace. Because of him, I am the way I am. I spent too many years searching for acceptance and love, that when I finally found it in a woman, I pushed her away because I’m scared of it. Do you know how fucked up that makes me? I have seen death. I have lived through pain, and rejection, Mom, yet love scares me.” My hands shake at my side as I fight my tears.
She’s silent for a moment, the distance between us growing when she doesn’t give me what I need.
“You need to find your own peace, Jesse.” She finally looks up, her lip trembles but she controls it. “Find it for yourself, sweet boy, before this ugliness grows in you too.”
“How, tell me how, and I will?” The plea gets stuck in my throat and comes out strangled. Ignoring my question, she moves from her chair to the desk in the corner and pulls out a white envelope.
“I wish I could give it to you, Jesse, but it’s you who needs to allow yourself to stop suffering and release the burden. Only then will you see how you did survive. And still are surviving.” My eyes move to the envelope as she offers it to me. “Your father asked me to give this to you when he passed. But I think you should have it now.” She places the envelope into my hand before pulling me into a hug, her arms coming around my middle and hold me tightly, just like she would when I was a kid.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be the mom you deserved. I live with those memories every day,” she whispers then steps back. I don’t know what to say to her, because it’s what I needed to hear, apologizing for what she allowed and acknowledging things have never been right. Only it’s twenty years too late.
“Read it. I think it may help.” She wipes at her face. Nodding once, I put the envelope in my back pocket and turn to leave.
“He loved you, Jesse. He loved all of us. He just didn’t know what to do with our love.” She steps away and moves back to my father’s side.
I don’t say goodbye to my dad, or turn to look back.
I know I’m not going to see him again.
And maybe I’ll regret it later, knowing he was only a few steps from me and I didn’t reach out, but I couldn’t sit there and watch him die. I couldn’t get past my own anger and hurt to give the old man a peaceful goodbye.
Later that night, Jackson called me with the news. My dad had died. I didn’t go back to see him, or my mom.
I just got on my bike and rode until I could get my head straight. I didn’t read my father's note either. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Words on paper from a dying man wouldn’t change anything.
It was too late for that.
Thirty-Two BELL
“Come on, Bell. For me?”
“I just don’t want to go out, okay?” I tell Lissy over the phone for the fifth time this week.
“Locking yourself in your room crying over him will not make you feel better. You need to get out. Some fresh air wouldn’t hurt.” Lissy has been on my case the last five days, ever since she found out what happened with Jesse and me. Now I wish I would have just kept my mouth shut and not told anyone about the whole fiasco.
“I don’t need air. I need you to quit calling me and asking me to go out for a run,” I reply, snapping my textbook closed. I don’t know how I’m supposed to get any work done around this place. Between my mom and sister checking in on me, and Lissy, Kate and Manda ringing every five minutes, I haven’t even had a chance to go through my thoughts.
“I’m worried about you, Bell.”
“I don’t know why you would be. I’m fine.” I tell her the same thing I’ve told everyone. I know what went down with Jesse and I was bad. We both said things I know we regret. That night was a cluster of emotion and stress, but I can’t hold any ill will against him. Ever since I met him, I knew he was dealing with his own issues. I also knew getting into it with him would be dangerous, and maybe that was part of the thrill of it. Deep down a part of me knew it wasn’t going to end well. Jesse is Jesse, and I can’t punish him for wanting to protect me. He came into my life and he made me realize just how unhealthily I was living it. He made me see how I should change it, yet he still accepted me for my flaws. If only he could see the same for himself.
“Bell.” My mom knocks on the door interrupting me. “Someone is here to see you, sweetheart.”
“There is?” I ask a little too hopeful. Calming my racing heart, I ask again. “Who?”
“A woman.” Her lips spread downward when she’s sees my disappointment.
“Oh, okay. Thanks, Mom.” I stand and move toward her, and give her a kiss. She takes me in her arms and squeezes me tightly. A silent reminder that she is here for me.
I pull back and give her a small nod. “I have to go, Lissy. I’ll call you back.”
“You better,” she replies before I hang up. Taking the stairs two at a time, I come to a stop when I notice Holly standing there. She turns as I get to the bottom step.
“Holly?”
“Hey, Bell, how you doing?” Her gaze moves down to my neck, before darting back up to my eyes. She doesn’t comment on the dark purple and grey fingerprints, and for that I’m thankful. I’ve seen the pity and anger in my parents’ eyes every time they look at me; I don’t think I can handle any more.
“I’m great,” I say with too much enthusiasm and I watch her cringe. Okay, Bell, calm the fakeness.
“Do you want to sit?” I nod and move toward our living room.
“Everything okay, Holly?” She doesn’t reply just follows me in. “What’s going on?”
She takes a seat next to me and reaches for my hand. “His dad passed yesterday.” She drops the news and my heart sinks.
“Oh, God. Is he okay?” My mind starts to run a mile a minute as I process everything at once. He’s going to be a mess. “Should I go to him? When’s the funeral?” The questions fly out as soon as they hit my mind.
“Bell, just wait a minute. Sit back down.” She pulls on my hand and I look down and realize I’ve been pacing in my frantic state. Stealing a breath, I force myself to calm down and take a seat.
“He’s not in a good place, Bell. After you left the other night, he’s been messed up. Drinking, fighting with everyone. The boys nearly sent him up to the safe house, he was that bad, but now with the news of his dad…” My head falls to my hands as I picture him processing everything alone. I knew this was going to happen. I didn’t want to push him, but maybe I should have.
“We’ve all tried talking to him, tried to pull him out of it, but nothing is helping. He’s pushing everyone away. The funeral is Saturday. I thought you might like to come. Maybe he might appreciate the support.” I nod in agreement, knowing I’ll have to take the day off. It doesn’t matter; I’d do anything for Jesse.
“I’ll be there, Holly. I will help out any way I can.”
She pulls me into a hug, squeezing lightly before she says, “Thanks so much, Bell. I know things are strained between you two right now, but we both know he loves you, and even if he is a hot head, I know you love him.”
“I do.” It’s all I reply, because really what else is there to say. Jesse might not think he needs anyone right now, and maybe he doesn’t, but he is in a bad place. And regardless of what is happening between us, I am still going to be there for the man I care for.
Love trumps everything and I need to show Jesse that.
“Holly, I really don’t think this is a good idea.” I panic two days later as I fuss at my black dress picking at some lint. Okay, so maybe I’m not so brave after all. After two days of trying to get Jesse on the phone, I eventually gave up and thought I had better chances coming to the clubhouse before the service. Now I’m not so sure.
“It’s going to be fine, Bell. Trust me,” she says, but we both know it’s not true.
“Hey, Bell, how you doing?” Kelly asks when she walks in from the kitchen. Her eyes grow wide and she halts when she sees my neck. “Fuck, Bell.” The curse makes me cringe because it says it all. It’s bad.
“I’m fine,” I rush out, wishing I did a better job at covering the bruises up.
“Babe, that doesn’t look fine.” She steps in closer, getting a better look.
“Please don’t.” I reach for her hand and squeeze it, needing her to know we can’t do this right now. Not here. Not ever.
She sighs when I retreat but doesn’t push. “Okay,” she says, pulling me into a hug. I accept it and bring my arms around her.
“He’s not in a good place, so thank you for coming.” I hold on to her tighter, needing her to know I understand. These people love him as much as I do, and in turn, it makes me love them all the more.
“Kelly, I need you,” Kadence calls from the kitchen. She pulls back and I’m grateful for the interruption. I don’t need to lose it before I even get to see Jesse.
“We’ll be talking later.” She sets a firm look on me, before turning and heading back to the kitchen and leaving me alone with Holly. The clubhouse is quiet, the normal weekend crowd not in yet. I’ve already said hello to everyone on the way in. I’m just waiting to see Jesse.
“Maybe I should just meet you all at the funeral.” I look around again, anticipation building at seeing him.
“You can ride with me. It’s fine.” Holly’s hand wraps around my wrist, not letting me retreat.
“Jesse, we’re ready. Let’s go!” Nix bellows as he walks out of the kitchen followed by Kadence who’s holding Low, and Sy who’s holding X.
I stand awkwardly, hiding myself behind Holly. My hands shake at my side and my heart beats erratically in my chest knowing this isn’t going to end well. I shouldn’t have come here. I should leave before he even sees me. Before I can retreat, Jesse turns the corner and I’m shocked. It’s only been a week, but the man in front of me looks nothing like who I remember. Sunken eyes, messy hair and an unshaven face. I want to call out and get his attention, make sure I am looking at Jesse Carter, but I can’t speak. He’s broken and hurting, the urge to cry for him becoming too strong.
“Hold it together,” Holly warns just as Jesse’s eyes find mine. I don’t react at first, waiting to see how he responds. He holds my stare for a moment, before his eyes do a quick sweep of my body then rest on my neck.
“Jesse,” I finally croak out. A sob follows my greeting but I manage to keep it together.
His eyes shift back up to me at his name, but he doesn’t respond to my greeting, his stare devoid of any emotion. Fighting the need to step forward and take his hand, I tell him, “I’m sorry for your loss.” There’s a brief flash of anger in his eyes, which fades quickly into nothing, and I’m paralyzed by how quickly he shuts down.
“So, we should get going.” Holly’s voice breaks the silence, her body stepping forward and gaining Jesse’s attention. With out another glance my way, he nods once, then turns and walks out not saying a word.
“That went well then,” Holly whispers when it’s just us left alone.
“He didn’t say a word to me, Holly.” I finally drag some much-needed air down to my lungs and try not to let his indifference shake me.
“He didn’t tell you to go suck a dick either, so I think you’re winning so far.” She smiles, waiting for me to react. I don’t.
Dread sits in the pit of my belly and insecurity blankets me. I shouldn’t have come. I should have let him come to me.
What was I thinking?
Thirty-Three JESSE
“On behalf of the President of the United States, the United States Marine Corps, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one’s honorable and faithful service.”
I almost laugh at the last sentence. Please, Honorable? The man being lowered into the ground doesn’t deserve such honor. He most definitely doesn’t deserve the respect.
With shaky hands, I watch my mom reach out and take the folded flag. Sobs wrack her body as she hugs it to her chest. It’s a moment of real reflection. I know I should feel something right now.
Loss.
Pain.
Peace.
But I feel nothing. I lived my life with a drunk father. A pathetic, useless father who wouldn’t know love or respect if it hit him in the face, yet we’re all here showing it to him in death. The fact I have to stand here in the first place makes me sick. I wasn’t going to come, but after a warning from Nix, Jackson and even Kadence, I knew it would be more of a hassle to fight it.
“Jesse, did you hear me?” My mother’s hand reaches out and brings me back to the moment.
“Huh?” I look up and see everyone starting to move away. Shit, it’s over?
“So, we’ll meet you back at the house?” Her face is puffy and her makeup is smudged from her tears, but she’s managing to hold it together.
“Yep, sure,” I agree, just as I lock eyes on Bell.
“Okay, love you, son.” She pulls me down for a hug and kisses me just like any other day.
“Love you, too, Mom,” I reply as she squeezes me tight.
“It means a lot you came.” She cries again, before turning and walking toward the parked cars.
I stand in place, rooted to the ground, my stare on Bell. What the fuck is she still doing here? When I saw her at the clubhouse earlier, I nearly came undone. Fucking standing there all innocent and tempting. What I wanted to do was drag her by the hand back to my room and fuck her against the wall for coming back to me when I had warned her off. But then I saw my mark on her and I wanted to fucking kick my own ass. So instead of apologizing, I was an ass and shut her out, looked at her with disdain so she wouldn’t see through my need, or my fear.
Her fucking soft smile and compassion is what makes this whole thing worse. I don’t need her to tell me she’s sorry. I don’t need her to tell me all is going to be okay, because I already fucking know it is. He’s gone. He isn’t coming back and, to be honest, I’m relieved. Sure, that makes me an asshole, a fucked-up human being, but I don’t give a fuck. Maybe now after all these years, I can find my peace.
“Jesse?” Bell’s voice pulls me from my thoughts and I realize it’s just us left.
“What?” I bark and watch her recoil.
“You were talking to yourself,” she whispers and I shake my head.
“You shouldn’t have come, Bell.” I turn from her and start making my way down to my bike. I expect her to call out, tell me to pull my head out of my ass, but the words don’t come.
Good. I mount my ride and watch her standing there, looking between Holly and me. I’m not in the mood to fight her today. She can fuck right the fuck off.
“Take her home, Holly,” I order before starting my bike.
I don’t hear Holly’s reply. Revving my throttle, I pull back, saying goodbye to my dad with a bike he never accepted.
Rest in peace.
“What about you, baby? You wanna come back to the clubhouse?” I ask the blonde sitting on my lap later that afternoon. I have no idea who the fuck she is, or where she came from but I’m enjoying her company.
“Do you even have to ask?” she replies, wiggling her ass against me. I throw the rest of my drink back, and begin to move us out of there, until we’re interrupted.
“Jesse, I think it’s time you said goodbye to your friend.” Jay, my younger brother interrupts me before I can drag this bitch to the back of my bike.
“Jay? Where the fuck you been?” I look up at the big son of a bitch for the first time today.
“I’ve been here all day, asshole.” He folds his arms in front of him and I notice how much he’s changed in the last few years. Jesus, he’s not so little anymore.
“Jesus, Jay. Might want to lay off the ‘roids.” I joke, moving the blonde out of my lap and trying to stand.
“Sit the fuck down.” He pushes me back, the momentum causing me to stumble back down onto the blonde’s lap.
“Hey, watch it, fucker.” I hear myself slur as I move off her.
“Jesus, look at you.” He shakes his head in disgust and steps back. It throws me off for a second; memories of my father standing over me when I told him I was going to be a firefighter come flooding back. The night he bullied me into joining the Marines. It all rushes back to me.
Shaking my head, I push those thoughts back down and look up. “What? Just mourning Daddy. You know? Laying the asshole to rest.” I lean forward, snag another drink and raise it in a toast. “To our asshole father, may he rest in peace.” I throw my head back and finish it off.
“Don’t you think you’ve had enough? We have family here.” Jay lowers his voice. His intention is to keep me calm, but it doesn’t work. I look around at all these people who’ve come back to my mom’s house to mourn a man who they really didn’t know. They’re all so fucking clueless.
“No, I’m only just getting started, little brother.” I nod to Hunter, signaling another drink.
“Don’t, Hunter,” Jay says, cutting me off way too early. I can still see my father’s face, hear his words. No way am I done.
“Oh, I see.” I straighten watching his reaction.
“You clearly don’t see anything, Jesse. You’re drunk, hurting, and if you don’t quit now, you’re gonna regret shit tomorrow.” He nods to the blonde bitch still sitting close to me.
“You know, I always knew you’d end up like him. Think you’re better than everyone. But you know what, Jay? You’re not. He was the one who was beneath me. So fuck him and fuck you too.” I stand, this time gaining my balance and stepping into his space. It’s not that I’m angry with Jay. He had the same childhood as I did, but this rage is building inside of me. And every time someone tries to calm me, it only fuels me.
“Jesus, you’re so fucking clueless. You say you never want to be like him, yet look at you now. Drunk. Just like him. You’re pathetic. Our mother shouldn’t have to see you like this. She just buried her husband, goddamn it.” He steps back, just like I knew he would. Pansy-ass fucker.
“Yeah, well fuck her too.” I push a little harder, wanting to rile him up. “When was the last time anyone else in this family pushed back? You’re all so used to keeping the peace you can’t even grow a fucking pair.”
“You’re hurting. I get it, but don’t disrespect our family like this,” His calm manner morphs into anger in a flash, as he steps back up, right into my space. That’s more like it.
“Fuck you, and fuck our family.” I decide in the moment to put my point across with a fist. He sees me coming, but before my fist connects with his face, he lays me out.
Fuck.
“Please, stop. He’s drunk and not thinking straight.” I hear Bell’s voice pleading above me as I try to gain my feet. My head is throbbing but I’m not done.
“Fuck off, Bell, I don’t need you defending me.” I try to stand but lose my balance. The bitch next to me scurries off to the side, but I keep her in my sights. I’m going to fuck her tonight. I need Bell off my mind and to bury myself in some fresh pussy.
“Jesse, you’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re saying.” She tries again, but I’m fucking through looking at her.
“I thought I told you to go home. No one likes a fucking hang on. I fucked you, okay. I don’t need some second-rate bitch trying to get back in. I’m done. Done.” My heart clenches the moment I see her shut down, but I have to stay strong. It’s for the best she knows what a messed-up asshole I am.
“That’s enough.” Jackson’s voice bellows behind Bell, and I know by his tone he’s about to go all ‘big brother’ on my ass.
“Jay, take Bell outside. She doesn’t need to see this shit,” he orders, and like a good little brother, Jay complies.
“What’s the issue, Jackson? She knew the fucking score. She knew going in this was what she was getting.” I slur some more, watching her crimson face hide into Jay’s chest. I push the jealousy down at seeing him touch her and decide to go for the kill.
“You should tap it, Jay. Though, I already took her virginity. Guess that means I’m one up on you on that.” I hear a gasp to the side of me, but I don’t have time to turn before Jackson delivers a full fist punch to the side of my head.
Pain ricochets throughout my skull and then everything goes black.
“I don’t even fuckin’ know what to do with him.” I hear Nix’s voice first, but I can’t react, still letting myself slowly wake up.
“He’s messed up, bad, Nix. It’s going to take some time. You know he isn’t coping well. Especially with what happened with Bell, he’s not himself,” Kadence whispers, piquing my interest.
“What happened to Bell?” I croak out, trying to shift in my awkward position on the club sofa. How the fuck did I get here?
“Don’t fuckin’ speak her name, fucker. Not after the way you treated her last night.” Nix kicks at my feet and I cringe as the night before comes back to me. Fuck. Jay and Jackson. Me disrespecting my family, and Bell. It all comes back to me.
“How did I get here?” I ask, but no one answers me. My head is pounding as I try to open my eyes. Not equipped to deal with this level of pain so early, I keep my eyes shut and continue to listen to my family talk around me.
“He needs to be gone from here for a week or two. I can’t stand lookin’ at his face any longer. And with the shit with the Warriors still on unsteady ground, I can’t trust he has the club’s best interests right now.” Nix continues talking like I’m not here.
“Want me to take him up to the safe house. Give him some space to think, come to terms with everything that’s going on?” Beau offers. Great, a fucking club meet happening. And it’s about me. Fuckers.
“Yeah, the sooner the better.”
“You do know I’m awake. I can hear you all discussing me.” I keep my eyes closed and wait for a reply.
“You better fucking hear us, Jesse. You went too fuckin’ far last night.”
“Spare me the lecture, Nix.” I sit up and take a look at my family. No one holds eye contact, disappointment and concern holding them back.
“No, you’re gonna hear it. You’re a member of this club, and last time I checked, we respect our women.” Brooks puts his opinion in the mix only pissing me off more.
“Well, luckily, she wasn’t my woman.” I rub at my face. My temple throbs at the side, but I don’t acknowledge it. I know I deserved it.
“I think she is the lucky one, brother.” Nix stands. “You don’t deserve her. It’s sad she had to go through all that to realize it. Get up to the safe house, sort your shit out, and come back the man I know you are.” I don’t say anything, just take in his words and let them settle over me.
I don’t give a fuck what he thinks, but he’s right. I don’t deserve her.
Never have.
Never will.
