Текст книги "Desertion"

Автор книги: River Savage

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 18 (всего у книги 23 страниц)

Thirty-Four BELL

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the memories I cannot change, the courage to heal the wounds I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.”

“Amen,” the room echoes Conner’s ending prayer.

“Thanks for coming today. I hope you guys got something out of it. If anyone wants to hang back for a chat, I’m here.” Conner turns his attention to me as I stand and wait for everyone to move out.

It’s Saturday morning and I just sat in on one of Conner’s support groups.

“What did you think?” Conner asks after everyone moves out.

“It was full on. I’m in awe of you all. What you went through.” I shake my head, trying to find the right words. Since Jesse introduced me to Conner, I’ve wanted to know more about him. Jesse had been keeping me updated with his recovery from his last surgery and how he was coping with the new prosthetic. But it wasn’t until the funeral last week that we saw each other again and he invited me to sit in on one of his groups.

“What you’re doing is amazing for these men, Conner.”

“Thanks, it helps me more than it helps them.” He shrugs, not taking the praise. Yeah, not so different from Jesse.

“I didn’t think you’d show.” He moves around the room, starting to pick up empty cups left lying around.

“I told you I was interested.” I move forward and help to gather the chairs. “You were right, sitting here hearing these men’s stories of what they went through gives me an insight in to what Jesse is dealing with.” He nods but doesn’t say anything.

“So, has, Jesse ever come to these type of things?” I carefully ask, keeping my voice low.

“He used to. But he stopped last year.”

“Does it not help, talking about what you went through?” I push, wondering why Jesse stopped.

“For some it does. For others talking about it can make it worse.”

“And Jesse? Why doesn’t talking help him?”

“Jesse’s issues are complex, Bell. You have to understand, nothing is going to change what we experienced over there. It’s about learning to live with it, and not let it bring us down. Jesse has a hard time with that.” I nod, even if I don’t understand it. It’s not that I don’t want to know what he’s dealing with, I do more than anything, I just wish Jesse helped me to see it his way.

“Have you spoken to him?”

Conner shakes his head. “He’s still up at that damn house they dropped him off at. I went and visited him yesterday. He was so out of it I don’t even know if he realized I was there.”

“You think it’s wise leaving him on his own?” I question, still unsure it’s the best place for him.

“It’s probably the safest place for him right now. I don’t think he’s going to do anything stupid. He’ll come around. He just needs some time.”

“I hope you’re right.” I bite at my bottom lip, concerned Jesse isn’t going to come around. Last week was rock bottom and I’m second-guessing the decision to cut him out.

“Trust me, Bell. He just needs some time to get his head in a better place.” He tries to assure me.

I nod and take a breath. “I just wish I could help him, Conner,” I say, taking a seat. It’s the first time Conner and I have discussed Jesse since the funeral. Conner was there, saw the fall out and Jesse being an ass. To say I was embarrassed would be an understatement. All of Jesse’s family and friends heard his comment. I tried to get out of there, tried to hide my humiliation, but neither Jay nor Jackson would let me leave—not until Nix and the boys dragged Jesse out of there. Only then did Jay drive me home.

It wasn't the most comfortable drive home. It was hard enough meeting Jay for the first time under those sad circumstances. As we drove home in awkward conversation, I came to realize he wasn’t that much different than Jesse. Only he’d come to peace with whatever demons his father cast on him.

“You were helping him. His father’s death has just pushed him too far.” Conner brings me out of my head telling me what I already know. I thought Jesse was moving forward, and letting me in, but the news of his father’s death only served to pull him back.

“I don’t know how he’s going to come back, Conner. Every one of Jesse’s issues stems from that man.”

“He will, Bell. He has a lot of family. We’re not going to let this take him.” Moving forward, he reaches for my hand.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed so hard, expecting him to love me back.” I start to question everything, wondering where I could have helped more.

“Bell, this isn’t your fault. Admitting you love him didn’t make this happen. Jesse has been a ticking time bomb his whole life. I’m surprised he didn’t go off before now. I think you coming into his life kept him at bay for a while, but it was only a matter of time before the countdown to him exploding would engage again.” I nod, because now I’ve had time to process everything that has happened since last weekend, I can see what Conner is saying. Jesse had always managed to push everything down; it was only a matter of time before it all came down around him.

“Been telling him for years to sort his shit out, but only he can make it happen, Bell. Maybe now he’s lost his father, he realizes living the way he has been living isn’t healthy.”

“I hope you’re right, Conner.” I smile, even if there is nothing worth smiling for right now. “I just wish it didn’t end the way it did. That hurts the most.” I wipe at my face, still hurting over his words and how he pushed me out.

“It will work out, you’ll see.” He takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. “And if it doesn’t, who needs that jackass when you have me?” He winks and flashes me a grin.

“Oh, God.” I laugh, knowing he’s just messing with me.

“There she is. Come on, you’re buying me dinner.” He nudges me and orders me out. I follow along willingly. The last thing I need is to be alone, and if I can’t have Jesse’s humor, I needed the next best thing—his best friend’s.

Thirty-Five JESSE

“Wake up, motherfucker. Vacation is over.” I hear the words break though my dream.

“Huh?” I groan when Nix’s voice brings me out of my sleep. Great, I’m still fucking here.

“Vacation is over, fucker. I’m taking you back to the clubhouse. Get your ass in the goddamn shower, you stink like a homeless fuck.” Nix kicks at my feet, knocking them off the table in front of me.

“Fuck off.” I yawn, looking up at my pissed off Prez.

“No, you fuck off. We’ve given you two weeks to sort your shit out. Liquid is falling apart without you and I’m done waiting for you to get your head right.” I hear what he says, but it doesn’t register. I don’t want it to. It’s nicer to live in a world of ignorance and not caring.

“Nix.” A familiar voice interrupts Nix’s shouting and I look up for the first time, noticing Kadence is here as well. “Can I have a minute with Jesse?”

“Kadence,” Nix begins, but I don’t hear what he says. I block the asshole out, and move my attention to his woman who I’ve come to love as a sister.

“Fine, five minutes, then I’m coming back.” Nix kicks at my leg again, bringing me out of my head.

“Yes, Nix. Five minutes,” she placates him while he pulls her into his chest and plants a kiss on her lips before stepping back.

“Don’t be a cockhead to my woman, Jesse.” He flicks my ear and my slow reflexes only react when he’s halfway across the room.

Fucker.

“Jesse? How you holding up?” Kadence comes closer, moves some things around on the coffee table and sits in front of me.

“Fine, don’t know what the big deal is. Just needed a fucking vacation, okay?” I reach past her for my beer and take a sip. Jesus, how long has this been sitting there?

“I agree. It’s been a rough few weeks.” She nods, looking around the club’s safe house. I follow her gaze and realize for the first time what a mess it is.

“What day is it?” I ask, giving up on the beer. I need to get my shit together.

“Friday.” She looks back at me and arranges her face.

“Shit.” I rub my hands down my face. “I’ve been here all week?” I ask, trying to figure out where all my days have gone.

“No, two.”

I look up. “Two weeks? Jesus.”

“Sy and Beau have been up every few days. Conner’s been in to check on you too. You don’t remember seeing them?” she asks. I shake my head. Fuck me, I really have fucking checked out.

“Jesse, this has to end. You need to get some help.” I massage my forehead, soothing away the ache that’s taken up residence inside my skull.

“I’m fine, Kadence. I fucking deal with everything on my own,” I argue, knowing I’m full of shit.

“And how is that working out for you?” She raises her brows, calling me out on my shit.

“I’m getting there,” I lie, because it’s easier than admitting the truth.

“Then why are you hiding? Why won’t you let anyone in?”

“Last time I checked, your husband sent me to exile. And I do let people in,” I scoff. Is she kidding? I might not let people see the shit I hide, but I let people in.

“I mean really let them in, Jesse. Let Bell in.”

“I don’t want to talk about Bell.” I move to stand, but my body is so fucking out of it, standing has become too hard.

“Be real with me for once, Jesse Carter. I am your friend. You helped me out when I was in a dark place before. Let me do the same for you.” I look at her, and can see I’m hurting her. It’s what I do. It’s what I’m good at, right? Hurting people.

I hold her stare for a moment, willing myself to comfort her somehow, but it becomes apparent I can’t even bring myself to do it. “You don’t think I want to?” I sit forward, resting my elbows to my knees, holding my face in my palms. “Jesus, I really wish it were that easy. This darkness is something I carry with me, Kadence,” I finally admit, allowing myself a moment of pity.

“And you always will,” she cuts in. “But there has to be a way for you to live without hurting everyone around you.”

“You don’t understand.” I attempt to stand again, needing the space. The sudden movement has my head spinning, or the room shifting, so instead of fighting it, I sit my ass back down.

“I understand a little, Jesse. You saw me at my worst. When I didn’t want to go on. Sure, maybe it was different, but I still understand the hopelessness of it.” Her voice is sweet, calming and I let her words wrap around me for a minute before looking at her.

“You spend your whole life in this darkness, Jesse, you’ll never know how much light there is around you.” Something in the sound of her voice pulls me into her comfort, showing me what I need. What I’m missing.

“You think I want to live with this kind of bitterness, with this pain?” My own words shock me so I allow myself a moment to understand what they mean.

“If you didn’t, why haven’t you tried to conquer it? No one is making you hold on to it, Jesse. You haven’t even tried to fight.”

“I spent my whole life fighting. I don’t know if I have any fight left.” My worst fear falls from my mouth, getting lost in my anger.

“So that’s it then. You lose?” Her tone shifts from understanding to disbelief. Her eyes blaze with determination.

“Yeah, I did lose, Kadence. I let it control me. It stopped me from fixing my relationship with my father. He fucking died before I pulled my head out of my ass. I push everyone away. I’m fucked up, more than you could even imagine.”

“Look at me, Jesse Carter. Yes, you have your issues. I’m not going to argue that you have some work to do, but you can’t continue to hold onto this blame. It’s only going to bring you down. Your father is gone and I’m sorry you didn’t get the peace you needed, but tearing apart your life is only going to let him win. You are not him. You are everything he could never be.” She doesn’t hold back and I realize it’s what I need. She’s right, and the more destruction I create, the more I hide from everything, the more I hurt the people I love.

Fuck how could I be so clueless.

“I don’t want to be him,” I agree, needing someone to understand that.

“You’re not, never were and never will be, Jesse. You remember that and get your shit together.” She takes my hand and squeezes. The contact soothes me. Blankets my insecurity and begins to pull me out of my doubt.

“I don’t even know where to start.” I laugh a bitter laugh, not knowing how far down this rabbit hole I am.

“Well, this is why I’m here to help you. You’re going to start going back to your support groups. Start talking again. Conner’s organized an appointment for you to see someone at the VA hospital, to give you the help we can’t.” I shake my head, not sure if I can talk with anyone yet.

“Don’t argue with me, Jesse. We’re going to take baby steps. The club is awaiting your arrival home. Hell, I might even surprise you with my cooking.”

“Jesus, you’re on a mission.”

“I am if it’s going to help you, Jesse.” She stands from the coffee table and extends her hand. I think about it for a minute. I know she’s right. I need help to get me through this shit, but it doesn’t make me feel good knowing I’m gonna have to relive this shit when I bring it all up. “Come on, that’s all you need to know for now. One thing at a time and right now, you need a shower.” I look at her hand then at the house. “Come on, it’s not that bad. I’ll start cleaning. You don’t want to piss my husband off any more, do you?” She smiles down at me with an acceptance I hardly deserve.

“On a scale of one to ten, how pissed is he?” I take her hand and let her help me up.

“Jesse, I can’t even count that high. But it’s okay, because we love you. And you’re going to fix this.” She says so matter-of-factly, I want to believe her.

“And Bell?” I ask, wondering how I could possibly fix anything with her.

“Right now, I don’t know what your chances are. You messed up the most with her.” The frankness of her words is like a slap in the face.

“I fucking love her, Kadence, and still managed to hurt her the most.” I shake my head, wishing I could take it all back.

“Jesse, we always hurt the ones we love, but what hurts more, is being loved by those who we hurt. She still loves you. It’s up to you to decide what you’re going to do with that love.” She steps forward and wraps her arms around my waist. “But to make it simple for you, you should just let her love you,” she whispers, laying it out.

“You’re cute when you’re smart.” An undertone of teasing slips past my lips, my attempt to lighten the mood.

“Don’t lay it on me, Jesse Carter.” She laughs, steps back and smacks at my chest.

“Don’t fuckin’ flirt with my woman, fucker. Why are you still not in the shower?” Nix walks back in, breaking our moment.

“Yeah, yeah, asshole. I’m going.” I wave him off, kiss Kadence on the cheek, and then head toward the bathroom.

Before I leave I stop and turn back. “Thank you.” I wait for them to look up. “I know I fucked up, but thanks for not walking out on me.”

“We’re family, Jesse. As much as you’re a pain in my ass, we stick together. Don’t forget it. Now for the love of God, get in the fucking shower.” Nix throws a shirt at my head. Catching it, I turn, knowing he’s right. We’re family. Not by blood but by love. And sometimes those families are stronger.

“Look what the cat dragged in.” Conner’s grin spreads wide as I walk into the rehabilitation center a week later.

“Not you too.” I roll my eyes at his choice of words, but don’t say anything else. I’ve been hearing it since I’ve been back. Small jabs from my brothers. Pissed off glances from Jackson. And unspoken words shared between everyone around me. To say it’s been a long week would be an understatement.

“How you been, brother?” He turns, steps forward and extends his good arm out to me.

“Better than before.” I reach forward and take his hand in mine. I knew out of everyone Conner would be the most welcoming.

“How’s it going with you? New leg settling in okay?” I look down at his new prosthetic, and berate myself for not checking in enough.

“Yeah, much better fit. Hopefully, this was the last round of surgery.” He shrugs, still not letting it get him down. “How about you, how you coping?”

“Getting there, just one day at a time, you know?” Ever since I got back last week, I’ve been trying to get back into the swing of things. The club had a dinner and I was able to talk to everyone. Made sure they knew I was getting my shit together. Sure they were pissed at some things I’d done, but in the end, they had my back. “Between club shit, Liquid, and my brothers, things have been a blur.”

“You spoken to Bell yet?”

I look up at her name but shake my head. “Not yet. Working up to that one.” The truth is I’m not even sure what to do about Bell. It’s been almost three weeks since we’ve spoken. I’ve wanted to call every day I’ve been back, but something is still holding me back.

“Good plan. A woman like Bell deserves more from you, Jesse.”

“What would you know about women, asshole,” I joke, but falter when I see his smile thin out.

“I know you had a good one. Know you lost her too. Also know she deserves more, Jesse. This guilt bullshit, it’s gotta end if you want a life with her.”

“You warning me off my girl, Conner?” My hands clench at my side, knowing I need the kick up the ass, but not expecting it from him.

“Nah, man. Opposite. I want you to fight for her, Jesse. I want you to sort your shit out. Drop this guilt you think you have because of me and win her back. I wanted to die. Yes. But you didn’t let me. Do I think about that every day of my life, wishing you let me go? No. I think about how grateful I am I survived. I wasn’t meant to die, Jesse. I know that now. I wish you could see it too.” Needing a moment to process everything he just confessed, I move over to a chair. Yeah, we’ve talked about this in the past, but maybe today is the first time I’ve allowed myself to actually listen.

“I guess I just always felt you didn’t want this life, Conner. That day, it plays over in my mind most nights, seeing you laying there and pleading with me…” I let the memory trail off.

“It’s the life I’ve been given, Jesse. Not saying it’s not hard, ‘cause it is sometimes, but I’m not going to let it control me. It’s been five years. Fifteen surgeries, months and months of rehab. Do you think I’m giving up? Fuck no. So I’m not accepting this from you. You have a chance at happiness. Don’t fucking blow it.” I look up and see one of my best friends surviving in this world. Not only existing, but living. Constantly fighting, not once in a while, but every single day, and a new hope stirs in my belly. This man, this hero hasn’t given up after everything he has been handed.

Why should I?

“Where the fuck is it?” I curse, searching through my bag two hours later. After leaving Conner to finish out his physical therapy, I took a ride to clear my head. I knew I had a long road ahead of me, but after one real conversation with Conner, it was as if a new light had set fire in me. I could see more clearly. Just because I had been living a life I didn’t want, didn’t mean Conner was. I had painted him in the same light I saw myself. Instead of letting go and taking his word for it, I held on to a false sense of guilt for surviving. The irony was, out of the two of us, I was the one perishing. And after finally realizing it, I knew things had to change. Conner was right. I had a real shot at happiness with Bell, if I could just set this shit with my father aside.

Coming up empty in my bag, I move to my jeans and search the pockets.

“Kadence!” I shout, wondering if she’s seen it lying around.

“I’m in the kitchen!” Moving through the clubhouse, I pass Sy and Holly in the middle of some bullshit fight. I block them out and continue on towards Kadence.

“Hey.” I walk into the kitchen watching her place the last layer of sauce on her famous lasagna.

“Hey, how’re you?” She looks up at my voice. “How’s Conner?”

Most people avoid asking about Conner, unsure of how to address the conversation. Not Kadence. She gets it. Understands my need to keep it real. “He’s good, doing better.”

“That’s great. You should invite him over for dinner now he’s out of rehab.” She picks up the pot and starts pouring more sauce.

“Yeah, sure,” I agree without really listening. “Hey, did you pick up any envelopes last week at the safe house?” I ask, wondering if maybe I should just forget about it. I mean, is it really going to help?

“Hmm,” she pauses then turns to me, “maybe.” She places the pot back on the stove and moves to her bag on the table.

“It’s no big deal if you…” I trail off as my eyes find the worn white envelope safely in Kadence’s hand.

“This?” She waves it in front of me.

“Where did you find that?” I bite out before I can catch myself.

“In the trash.” She levels her stare on me. I don’t even remember throwing it away.

“You still want it?” Her head tilts to the left in a subtle challenge.

“Um.” I look at my father’s handwriting scribbled across the front then back to her. The truth is I don’t know what I want. Part of me wants to tell her to take it and put it back in the trash and never think about it again. After all, a crumbly piece of paper with some words isn’t going to repair a lifetime of wrong doings. But another part of me is curious. What could he say to me on paper that he couldn’t ever say out loud?

“You should at least open it.” She steps forward and hands me the letter. “If you don’t like what he wrote, throw it away again.” She makes it sounds so simple, then turns back to the stove.

“Will you read it for me?” I find myself asking before I can take it back.

“You don’t think it’s private?” She turns back and questions.

“Had been carrying it around since the night he died. Tried to open it every day till I finally broke down and threw it away,” I admit, holding out the letter. She takes it back without a word and moves toward a chair. I stay standing and watch as she slides her finger along the top, breaking the seal and pulling out a piece of paper.

“You sure?” She looks up before unfolding it.

“Now or never.” I shrug, knowing it could go either way. At least having Kadence here with me forces me to address my feelings. She wouldn’t let me fall back in to the hole she fought so hard to get me out of.

She nods, unfolds the piece of paper, and begins:

Jesse,

I know this letter probably comes too late in more ways than one and that sorry will never take away the pain or ugliness I brought to our family, but it may give you the closure you deserve.

They say guilt is to the spirit what pain is to the body. Throughout my life I’ve carried a lot of guilt, failures and many disappointments, but as I lie here reflecting on my life, my biggest regret is not being the kind of father of which you were completely worthy. I lost my way. I let drinking become my outlet, my place where I could shut everything away, even the people I cared about the most. I guess it's only fitting now that the same thing that masked my darkness and took away my family is now taking my life from me.

I'm sorry, Jesse, for every time I’ve demanded respect, instead of earning it. For saying “No,” simply because I could. For every time I’ve told you to be humble and then turned around and told you that losing wasn’t an option. For limiting my love, for every time you’ve needed a father and I gave you something less because I didn’t think my love was enough. But most of all, I’m sorry for not saying sorry until it was too late.

My only hope now is that in my death you spend the rest of your life knowing who you are, instead of proving who you are. Don’t become me, son. Don’t walk around with hate and anger. Be the man I never could be.

I love you for you. Your worth is conditional on nothing.

Your father,

John.

The crinkle of the paper sounds deafening as she folds the letter back into its folded form. Not knowing what to say, I let the silence grow between us as I replay his words over in my mind.

Your worth is conditional on nothing.

“You okay?” she finally asks, her words hoarse and breaking me out of my thoughts. Aren’t these the words I always longed to hear?

“I have been searching for his acceptance my whole life, and now he gives it to me, but I have no idea what to do with it.” I move to the table and take a seat next to her.

“What were you expecting?” she asks and I have to stop to think about my answer. It’s not that I’m dissatisfied with what he wrote, but more so of what I don’t feel reading it. An instant gratification that he was wrong and I was right doesn’t wash over me. His words don’t take away the hurt he had weaved into my life. They almost seem too perfect.

“Peace,” I finally reply, knowing in that moment my mother was right. My father apologizing was never going to set me free all the wrong doings he had done. Nor would it make it all okay. Letting my past control how I lived was never about him, but me. Yes, my need to feel worthy stemmed from him, but I had the power all along to let it go. Only I didn’t see it. Until now.

“I’m a fucking idiot.” I stand and pull out my phone.

“What are you doing?” Kadence asks, her eyes growing wide with anticipation.

“Calling, Bell.” I scroll through my recent contacts, hit her name and bring the phone up to my ear. I’m not even sure she’s going to answer, but I have to try.

“Hello.” Her voice shocks me for a second before I compose myself and speak.

“Bell?”

“Hi, Jesse?” she answers. Not angry, or sad, just resigned.

“I’m, umm. I-” I stumble with what to say. I didn’t think that far ahead when I decided I was going to try to call her. I look down at Kadence as she nods her encouragement.

“How are you?” I ask and start to move back to my room. Kadence pouts, annoyed she will miss out on our conversation, but I know I can’t do this in front of her.

“I’ve been better.” Her soft reply brings me back to the moment and has me wanting to reach through the phone to her. For her.

Reaching my room, I close the door and walk to the bed. “I fucked up, sweetheart,” I admit, knowing I don’t have any right to ask for forgiveness, but still needing it all the more. “I wasn’t in a good place and I don’t know what the hell I was thinking…” I trail off, my head remembering parts of that day and wishing I could shut it all out. How could I have been so fucking stupid? Out of everyone in my life, she was the one who brought me peace. She was the one who constantly tried to help me move past it.

“You still there?” I ask, realizing I got lost in my head for a minute.

“Yeah,” she whispers and I wait for more, but it doesn’t come.

“Say something, Bell,” I plead, still holding onto hope that I haven’t pushed away the one person in this world who gets me.

“Jesse, I can’t do this with you right now.” She sighs, ignoring my confession.

“Don’t give up on me, Bell,” I beg, not sure if we can come back but willing to do anything she needs me to.

After reading my father’s words, I want to try. I don’t want to be him. I don’t want to live my life in this regret any longer. I might not ever forget what he put us through, but I know letting it go is the only way I can move forward. Move forward with her.

“I know you weren’t yourself, Jesse. You were hurting and dealing in your own way. It doesn’t make it right, nor does it make things between us better, but I’m glad you finally see something has to change.” Her soft voice clenches my heart.

“Things are going to change, Bell. I promise.” I believe it more than I’ve ever believed in anything before.

“I hope so for you, Jesse.”

“For us,” I correct her, needing her to know where my head is at.

“Jesse, right now there is no us.”

“Don’t say that, sweetheart. There will always be an us. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I’m not giving up.”

“Maybe it would be easier? Just walk away and let it be.” The coolness of her tone doesn’t sit well with me, but I have to remember I can’t demand her forgiveness.

“Bell, what do you need from me right now?” I know I might be opening myself up for rejection, but I can’t expect her to trust me when I can’t give her what she needs.

“I need time, Jesse. I need to feel safe, and I need you to fight for yourself, not for me.”

“I’ll give you time. I’ll fucking count the seconds, the minutes, the hours until I can prove you’ll be safe with me. But I’m fighting for both of us, baby.”

The silence rings loudly in my ear, reaching my heart and embedding itself into my soul. Her silence, my loneliness, all fuels me to fight. Fight like I never have before for the only person in my life worth fighting for.

This is a battle; this is a war of the hearts. Call me selfish, an asshole, a fucking prick… whatever, but Bell is going to experience firsthand what it looks and feels like to have a man fight for her. She might not believe it now, and she has every right not to, but I am going to get her back. Time was all I had.

She will see.