Текст книги "Avoiding Responsibility"

Автор книги: K. A. Linde

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 25 (всего у книги 32 страниц)

Rashomon

The scars of your love remind me of us,

They keep me thinking that we almost had it all,

The scars of your love, they leave me breathless,

I can't help feeling, we could have had it all

-Adele "Rolling in the Deep"

Chapter 20: July One Month Earlier

It was easy to pretend like nothing had happened. Lexi's father ended up staying in the ICU for longer than anticipated, and she kept making the excuse that she had to be with him. No one could ever question her decision to stay in the hospital for extended periods of time. She still went into work, but she was distracted. Her earlier fervor for the company had slackened. She was certain her bosses noted the change in her work ethic. And she knew it was a stupid risk on her part to let herself fall behind. She honestly needed the job that she had. It paid well and she could tell they were leaving open a job for one of the interns in the fall, and up until that dreadful conversation with Parker, she had been gunning for that job. But there just wasn't anything she could do about her lack of caring. The program would be over soon and they would have to make their decisions either way. She just couldn't give them the truth. How could she tell her bosses that she was afraid she didn't know her boyfriend any longer? That wasn't something that they even cared about.

So she gave them the same excuse that she was giving everyone else since it had happened…that her father's heart attack had really shaken her. That she was terrified his condition might worsen and she needed the time to be with him. The company had allowed her the time however reluctantly, but there wasn't much time left and they were going to want her to complete the project she had been assigned. That had become her back up excuse when it was brought up that she was spending too much time at the hospital.

Lexi knew Ramsey's schedule by heart now and found herself showing up at the apartment when she knew he wouldn't be there and leaving before he awoke the next day. She couldn't help it. She knew that she should just ask him about what Parker had told him. Yes, that would be the logical thing to do.

After all Parker could have simply made the whole thing up. She had been friends with Bekah since birth, Lexi wouldn't exactly put it past her to do something horrible like that. But who was she kidding? Parker just wasn't Bekah. As much as she wanted to hate her, Lexi just couldn't. Parker had never done anything to her. If everything she had said was true, she had honestly done her a huge favor.

Yet, Lexi couldn't seem to bring it up. She had been doing everything in her power to avoid her own boyfriend. It had been over a week, and she just couldn't bring herself to ask the questions that she had lingering on her tongue. The last thing she wanted was for him to confirm the story or even worse for him to lie about it…again.

She had barely been sleeping what with hospital visits, work, and trying to avoid seeing her boyfriend. When she trudged down the stairs the next morning at the crack of dawn, she knew that the only way she would survive the day was a pot of coffee…a large pot of black coffee. Lexi poured herself a mug of the pot she had just made and leaned forward against the counter as she drank. She wore a light grey skirt suit with her hair pulled up into a tight ponytail. She had to be in to work soon to finish conducting some research for the project she needed to complete even though she still wasn't fully awake.

Lexi closed her eyes and hung her head. She hadn't been sleeping and the hours were beginning to catch up with her. She could feel her body beginning to give into sleep while she was standing up. The coffee was having next to no effect on her so far, and all she wanted to do was crawl back into bed for another couple hours.

"Tired?" Ramsey asked as he descended the stairs.

Lexi spun around quickly sloshing a bit of the coffee down her front. "Damnit!" she cried pulling her jacket off and tossing it onto the table. Luckily her blouse was untouched.

"Sorry I didn't mean to surprise you," he said with a smile. "You've been getting up so early I haven't had a chance to see you. I thought I'd catch you before you left."

"Oh," was all she managed as she wet a towel and tried to salvage her outfit for the day. After a second of dabbing at the fabric, she decided it was a lost cause and would have to take it to the dry cleaner later today.

"Coffee?" he asked walking up to her and pouring himself a glass.

"Yeah," she mumbled sitting down in one of the dining room chairs.

Ramsey added some cream and sugar to the coffee before taking a sip. "I still don't know how you drink it black."

Lexi shrugged. "That's just how I like it."

"So I was thinking," Ramsey began setting his coffee down on the counter and turning to face her again. "I know you're busy with work stuff, but I thought maybe we should go do something tonight. You haven't really had a day off what with everything that happened with your father. I thought it might be nice to just get away."

"Don't you have work?" she squeaked out dropping her eyes to her coffee mug.

"I can take a night off for you," he said smiling.

"I guess let me see how far I get with my work today and then I'll let you know," she said reluctantly never pulling her eyes from her drink.

"Are you okay?" Ramsey asked moving to stand in front of her. "I know that you're sad about your dad but everything is going to be alright with him. He was released and everything right?"

"Yeah he was," she said. She desperately wanted to tell him about everything Parker had said, but she just didn't know how to bring it up. She had no idea if any of it was even true. All she wanted to do was go back upstairs, crawl into bed, and forget that this past week had happened.

"Well then maybe it would be a good idea to get away from it," he said bending down and resting his hands on her knees.

Lexi stood up abruptly letting his hands drop back to his side as she towered over him in his crouched position. "I'll see about work," she said sharper than she had intended.

Ramsey stood slowly watching her closely the whole time. "Alright," he said his eyes following her every movement. "How about this? I'll be at the club in my office finishing up some work, if you want to go out after work just swing by."

"I'll do that," she agreed diverting her eyes as she moved to walk away from him.

Ramsey's hand darted out and grasped her by the elbow. The light pressure on her arm sent shivers up her back. "Please come by," he whispered softly pulling her into him and kissing her softly on the lips. "I've missed you."

Lexi pulled away from the kiss still feeling the warmth of his mouth on hers. Her breathing was ragged. She felt like she could barely swallow. Her pupils had dilated at even the lightest of touches. Ignoring these most basic instincts, Lexi took another step away from him, gave him a curt smile, and disappeared back up the stairs to change into an outfit that didn't have coffee stains on it.

Work was practically mind numbing that day. She knew that she had to go see Ramsey afterwards, and she knew she couldn't hide what had happened from him for much longer. This morning had been the first time they had really been alone. She couldn't imagine what it would be like going out with him. She was a terrible liar and an even worse actress. She couldn't convince someone like Ramsey who noticed her every move that the only thing that was bothering her was her father's heart attack.

He would know that something else was up with her. She would have to tell him what Parker had told her. Then she would have to get the truth out of him. She wasn't sure if she was even ready for that. What would he say? Would he confirm all her fears or deny them? She didn't even want to think about it. And so of course she thought of nothing else.

All the while she was conducting research for her firm, making phone calls, and digging through files, she felt distracted. Her mind was lost on the words that Parker had embedded into her skull forever. Ramsey had lied. He had hidden an entire relationship from her. She could care less that all of that stuff had happened in the past. The past was the past. If anyone should know that it was Lexi.

She had a past that she knew she couldn't hide from. Everything always seemed to catch up with her. Why should Ramsey be any different? How could he think that he was any different?

It was just childish to think he could hide it from her. What could he gain from that? All of his friends knew the situation or at least most of it. They knew that they had been together…for years. They knew that they had been in love. They knew that they were practically destined for one another. And Christ, they at least knew that Lexi looked like Parker. Yet, she was never mentioned. She was never brought. He acted as if nothing had ever happened between them beyond the physical. No wonder he had freaked out when she had been left alone with Jessie and she had said that Parker and Ramsey looked like a cute couple.

Of course they did! They had been a couple for so long that it had to come second nature to them. She knew it did for her and Jack. Being with him was like breathing. You didn't just date someone for so long and then try and cover up the fact that it ever existed. People didn't just get over things like that. If anything the cover up made it seem like you never got over it…which was even more troublesome.

Just when Lexi thought her brain might explode from over thinking everything that had been said she received an incoming text message. "Lunch. Sushi. You know the place. See ya in 20. – Pookie."

Lexi sighed dropping the stack of papers she was holding onto her tiny desk. She grabbed her purse and sauntered out of the office letting her manager know that she would be back in an hour. The balding middle age man leered at her as she exited the office giving no complaint. At least she had that going for her.

Entering the crowded restaurant, Lexi searched the premises for Brandon. It was nearly impossible to find a table at this place during lunch or dinner, but Brandon always seemed to find them a spot. She didn't always ask how that was even possible. Finally seeing him crammed into a corner, Lexi strolled across the room and plopped down opposite him.

"Hey honey, you're looking a little rough," he said not too kindly.

Lexi scoffed pushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "Fuck off."

"No really. Have you slept at all?" he asked leaning back in the booth.

Lexi took a sip of the water he had ordered for her and shook her head. "Not really. Did you already order?"

"Yeah same thing right?" he asked. She nodded. "Cool so what's up? You haven't been dogging me for lunch or interrupting my make out sessions or any other of your annoying habits. I've barely heard from you. Who am I supposed to have lunch with?"

"Weren't you just complaining about me having lunch with you too often?" she asked feeling her annoyance from the past week and a half begin to take over.

"Yeah, but I was joking. You know I want to get in your pants. Lunch is just a way to be around you," he told her with a wink for good measure.

Lexi didn't even have the patience to humor him. "Whatever Brandon."

"Brandon? Did you just call me by my first name?" he asked his brows scrunching together. "Lexi what's wrong with you?"

"I don't want to talk about it alright?" she snapped fiercely just as the waitress walked up.

"Uh sorry," the waitress squeaked before scurrying away.

Brandon tilted his head at her slightly. "Now you've run our waitress off."

"I don't care. I'm not that hungry anyway," she mumbled though she felt pretty bad about having an outburst like that. It wasn't like it was Brandon's fault that she was in a pissy mood.

"So are you going to make me guess what set you off or are you just going to tell me?" he asked crossing his arms on the table and leaning forward.

Lexi sighed heavily. "Why doesn't Ramsey like you?" she asked taking him off guard.

"You're upset because Ramsey and I don't get along?" he asked with a smirk.

"No. I just want to know. You never told me what actually was the reason."

"That's because you have a perfect little picture of your boyfriend in your head. I didn't want to ruin it for you," he said matter of factly.

"What if I don't have such a perfect picture anymore?" she whispered.

Brandon's smile spread at that statement. "Well I did warn you from the beginning."

"Just tell me why you're not friends anymore," she spat not exactly wanting an I-told-you-so moment.

Brandon seemed to realize that she was being serious about the situation. Her face was set and determined to hear what he had to say. "I dated Parker for awhile after they broke up. If that didn't make things bad enough, she told me some things about him that made my head spin. When I confronted him about it, we ended up in a fist fight. If his roommates hadn't been around to stop him, I think he would have fought until he had no more fight left in him," Brandon told her watching her expression carefully.

"Did he hurt you?" she asked her eyes brimming with tears. Her lack of sleep was making her more emotional than usual. Just the thought of Ramsey hurting Brandon because he was dating his ex-girlfriend and had confronted him with the truth broke her heart. Who was the man that she had been dating for the last year?

"I had a few broken ribs. He would have killed me if Brad and Jason hadn't been there to pull him off of me. I don't like to admit it, but the guy is much bigger than I am," Brandon said with chuckle at the end to try and lighten the mood.

"Oh Brandon," Lexi murmured softly, "why didn't you tell me?"

"You wouldn't have believed me," he said with a snort of disbelief. "You just met me. You had no idea who I was, and you had no idea who you were dating. I wasn't going to destroy your world."

"But you will now?" she asked looking into his big brown eyes for an answer.

"Honey, it looks like someone else already has," he said reaching across the table and grasping her hand.

Lexi looked down into her water glass and tried to hold the tears in. He was right of course. Parker had already destroyed the image that she had of her boyfriend. Sure she hadn't liked where he worked or that he was surrounded by strippers all the time. She hadn't liked the distance. She didn't like that he had a reputation as a player or that he had slept with a lot of people before they were together. But she could get over those things, because she had known about them. They were a fact of their relationship, and something she could live with.

Those things hadn't ruined her view of him. Sure he had taken awhile to tell her what he did for a living, but it was kind of understandable. Most women would not be comfortable leaving their man in the hands of other women whether he ran the place or not. But at least he had come clean. What Parker had told him…what Brandon had just revealed were things Ramsey never planned on telling her.

That much was obvious at least now that she knew them. He was a liar. He had lied to her. He had looked her straight in the eyes and said that he had never been in love or had a serious girlfriend. Had he expected never to be confronted with Parker again? Or had Lexi just been temporary? She didn't even know what to believe.

"What did Parker tell you that made your head spin?" Lexi finally asked him licking her lips and looking up at him.

"Judging by your appearance, I think you already know the answer to that," he said eyeing her sheepishly. "I would have told you Lexi, but it wasn't my story to tell."

"I know. I don't blame you. But what did she say?" Lexi asked. "I have to know."

He sighed clearly hating the position that he was in. "The gist of it is that he knocked her up when they were in college, and before he knew that she was pregnant, she walked in on him cheating on her with some other girls. Or something like that. Then when she told him later that she miscarried, he refused to believe her and called her a slut." Lexi gasped out loud and covered her mouth quickly. She hadn't intended to get so emotional, but hearing basically the same thing from Brandon…confirmation of Parker's story made it all so much more real. "Lexi I'm sorry. I really…I don't know what to say."

Lexi shook her head effectively silencing him. "No. Thank you for telling me," she told him. "I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else."

"You know maybe he has changed," Brandon said trying to be reassuring though it sounded strange coming from him of all people. He had never really said a nice thing about Ramsey since they had started hanging out.

"Don't lie to me," Lexi said pulling her hand gently out of his. "I've had enough of that lately."

"It's true I don't think he's changed," he said, "but that's up to you to decide."

'Thanks Brandon…pookie," she said with a sad smile. She stood from the booth. "I'm suddenly not hungry. Sorry to leave you hanging on lunch again."

"It's alright," he said standing as well. He pulled her into a hug and kissed the top of her head. "Let me know if you need me."

"Bye," she said taking a step towards the door.

"Hey honey," he called back. She spun around to look at him. "I'm serious. I'm here for you." She nodded solemnly and then strode out of the restaurant.

Driving to the club was a blur. She knew that at some point she called her boss and told him that she wasn't feeling well. He hadn't been pleased, but she was pretty sure she sounded convincingly sick since she felt like vomiting already. So he had let her off the hook as long as she promised to make up the hours if she was feeling better in the morning. And her final project was due Friday, the last day of the summer associate position, regardless. She also knew that her car had driven her to the mostly empty parking lot of the club that Ramsey worked. She wouldn't say that she had driven herself there exactly. It was more like the car was on auto pilot, and she was just along for the ride. Her body felt numb to the realities of the universe around her.

All she knew was that she had to talk to Ramsey, and she had to talk to him now. Waiting around for over a week had been a terrible mistake. All her emotions were like a shaken up bottle of coke ready to explode at a seconds notice. The confirmation of the facts from Brandon had just solidified her determination which she had been lacking before. She hadn't been able to face him, because she wasn't sure if she could believe Parker's tale. Even though Lexi knew it was impossible to truly fake the kind of emotions Parker displayed, she still hadn't wanted to believe her. Then Brandon had said, albeit in a more concise fashion, the exact same story. Now she knew she had to talk to him. Though it didn't mean that she was dreading it any less.

She wished, not for the first or last time that summer, that Chyna was still in the country. She would know what to do and say in that moment. She would know how to calm Lexi down and how to approach the situation. But she didn't have her best friend there for her now. She still had a couple weeks before she returned from Milan. So Lexi was on her own. She would have to face down her demons all on her own.

Taking a deep breath, Lexi punched in the code to the back entrance that Ramsey had given her and stepped through the large black door. She trudged down the long hallway and stood in front of his closed office door. Staring at the big door for awhile didn't give her any more motivation to push through it. She knew she needed answers, but her stomach was in knots at the prospect of what was to come. Pushing back her hair a few times to calm her nerves, Lexi knocked twice and then opened the door to Ramsey's office.

Ramsey turned around sharply at the interruption. His eyes were narrowed and he looked furious at the distraction until he realized who was standing before him. "Lexi!" he said with surprise jumping to his feet. "What a surprise! I didn't think you would be here until after work."

"Honestly I hadn't planned on coming at all," she told him stepping into the room and pushing the heavy door closed behind her.

Ramsey stopped in his tracks and examined her more closely. Her hands were shaking at her sides. The black circles under her eyes were more pronounced, and she looked as if she might have been crying earlier. She had already tucked nonexistent strands of hair behind her ear three times since walking through the door. She couldn't even stop biting her bottom lip. "Why not? What's wrong?"

Lexi's eyes dropped to the floor. "I need to talk to you."

"Are you breaking up with me?" he whispered into the room. Those words alone sounded like heartbreak coming out of his mouth. It was almost too much for Lexi to bear to hear.

"No," she said quickly. "Well I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?" he asked sitting down heavily on the corner of his desk. "Tell me what's wrong. How could you not know something like that?"

"It…it all depends on how you answer my next question," she whispered letting her eyes drag upwards and meet his very confused green-gold eyes.

"I'll answer anything," he said desperately.

Lexi took a deep breath to calm her hammering heart. "What is your relationship with Parker?"

"What?" he asked standing at the mention of Parker's name.

"You heard me," Lexi whispered.

"Parker?" he asked. Lexi nodded. "We've already had this discussion Lexi. I told you over spring break what my relationship is with Parker."

"Let me rephrase. What was your relationship with Parker?" she asked directing his attention to the past tense.

Ramsey ran his hand back through his hair and a small blush crept up onto his cheeks. "What are you driving at Lexi?"

"Just the truth. That's all I want," she told him resting her hands against the chair in front of her to steady herself.

"The truth?" he asked hesitantly. "Well we slept together. I told you that, but there's nothing going on between us now. I promise."

Lexi hung her head. "I believe you. I don't think anything is going on now."

"Well then what's the problem?" he asked moving towards her and grabbing her hands from the top of the chair. "I'm not cheating on you Lexi, if that's what you think."

"I didn't accuse you of cheating me," she said angrily pulling her hands from his.

"Alright," he said miffed. "What are you accusing me of?" He threw his hands up in the air and walked back to his desk.

"Isn't it quite obvious?" she demanded.

"If it was, wouldn't I have already guessed it."

"You're lying to me!" she yelled more forcefully than she had even realized she was going to say it. She had bottled all of her emotions up so much that she could feel everything begin to explode out of her. She was furious with him. How dare he stand there and even try and tell her that nothing happened with Parker…that they had just slept together. It was obvious to everyone that there had been something more, and now she had been told by two people that that was the case…three if she included Jessie. He didn't even have the balls to tell her the truth about that.

"What am I lying about?" he asked her snapping his head around to look at her.

"You and Parker dated! You were together for years, high school and college sweethearts. You were in love with her. You were going to marry her," Lexi said letting the truth spill out of her. Ramsey remained silent waiting for whatever else she was going to say. "Parker told me herself. How could you think that you could just keep that from me? All of that time you've told me that you never dated anyone that you never loved anyone, but it was all a lie. I'm not special to you. She was special to you. You couldn't even tell me that to my face. You had to hide it. I don't know why you thought I wouldn't find out. Don't you have anything to say for yourself?"

Ramsey hung his head his breathing coming out in short bursts. "She told you all of this?" he demanded.

"Yes she did."

"I can't believe she would do that," he murmured.

"Why?" Lexi gasped. "You can't believe she would tell the truth. Did you date her for that long?" Lexi waited for an answer. "Well?"

"Yes," he mumbled.

"Were you in love with her?"

"Yes."

"Do you still love her?"

Ramsey's head shot back up to look at her. He couldn't believe she was asking him this. "No. I love you Lexi. I told you that."

"How can I know that?" she asked angrily openly glaring at him.

"Lexi I do love you. You have to believe me with that at least," he told her.

She couldn't really argue that point. It wasn't what she was angry about anyway. "But why would you lie about everything else? Why lie about her? Don't you think I could have gotten over all of this if you had just told me?" she begged the question.

"I don't tell anyone that story Lexi," he said in frustration though it was a lame attempt to save himself.

"I'm not just anyone," she spat back angrily.

"I know that. It's just…stupid habit. I don't talk about it. She doesn't talk about it. It's like it never happened," he said awkwardly.

"But it did happen. It did!" she yelled back at him feeling her emotions break again. "You're a liar. You just lie all the time. You lied about Parker, about having a girlfriend, about being in love…the beach house…everything. How can I ever trust you again? Can I ever really know if everything else coming out of your mouth isn't a lie? I trusted you with my whole heart. I can honestly say that I've never done that before."

"Jack…" he murmured before being cut off with a sinister glare.

"I had known Jack only a month or two before realizing that I could never fully trust him. I hadn't given him my heart at that point and I hadn't fallen in love with him. None of this I hid from you. What would be the point of hiding it from you? You would find out sooner or later the history between us," she growled. "Did you never think I'd hear the real story from anyone about Parker? And I mean the real story Ramsey."

"What do you mean the real story?" he asked his eyes narrowing at the connotations behind the statement.

"Oh don't give me that," Lexi said rolling her eyes. "You know what you did."

Ramsey strode back over to Lexi and slammed his hands down on the chair in front of her. "What else did she tell you?" he growled.

"Why are you getting so worked up?" Lexi asked eyeing him carefully. He had been so controlled before, but now he really looked angry that there was more to the story. She couldn't believe that after everything she had just said that he couldn't even own up to the rest of the story.

"Because she told you more than that, and I want to know what else she said."

"She told me everything," Lexi informed him. "She told me how she was sick and instead of taking care of her you were whoring around with other women. She told me that she was pregnant. She told me that she miscarried the baby. She told me that she came to see you and you were horrible to her. She told me that you yelled and screamed at her and called her all of these terrible things. Then when you realized how wrong you were, you tried to crawl back to her but you had done too much damage. Is that what you were planning to do to me? Or were you just going to lie about it?" Lexi asked being purposefully mean.

"She told you that she miscarried?" he asked grunting angrily. It's like he hadn't even heard the rest of the things that she had said. It was as if he had stopped listening after that one word. His nostrils were flared and his face was beat red with anger. Lexi had never seen him this furious. Even that one time on New Years when he had completely lost his temper, he had never looked like this. "Of course she would tell her side that way."

"What are you getting at Ramsey?" she asked her pent up anger so forceful she could practically see red spots in front of her eyes.

"She had an abortion!" he cried unable to hold back. "You think she had a miscarriage? She was nineteen years old. Her family has money. My family has money. It was a stupid drunken accident that should have never happened so she got rid of it. The likelihood of her really having a miscarriage is slim to none. It just doesn't make any sense."

"Well she hadn't gone to a doctor," Lexi said repeating what Parker had told her. "That's the most likely cause of a miscarriage after the first 8-10 weeks." Lexi had done her research after leaving the hospital.

"Don't let that girl fool you," he grumbled. "She had a life and a future ahead of her, and a baby never fit in with that especially after she walked out on me. So she just got rid of it," he told her fiercely.

Lexi sank back into the chair taking in everything Ramsey had just told her. She didn't even know what to think. Could Parker have lied about the miscarriage? She knew it was possible and that many women got abortions, but she couldn't even think about it. She didn't care what another woman did with their own body, but the thought of doing that to herself. Lexi shuddered. She wasn't sure she would have the strength for it…to put herself through it. Could Parker have had that strength? Lexi just didn't know. She didn't even want to think about it. There were too many sides to this one story. How could she ever decipher what had really happened between them?

And in the end did it really matter to Lexi? Whatever Parker had done with her body was part of their past. It was not Lexi's past. All she cared about was the fact that he had lied…that he had hid an entire relationship from him. That he had expected her never to find out.

"Look I don't care about that. What I care about is you lying to me," she told him.

"I'm sorry Lexi. I don't have an excuse. It was just…what I always did," he told her some of his anger leaving his body.

Lexi sat there for a minute longer trying to collect her thoughts. She was still angry. There was something more that she needed to say. She just wasn't sure how to articulate it to him. After a second she finally gasped out, "So am I just making up for all your mistakes with Parker?"