Текст книги "Avoiding Responsibility"
Автор книги: K. A. Linde
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Текущая страница: 17 (всего у книги 32 страниц)
Blame
Memories can fade
But my heart has a place
For the smile on your face
And maybe someday
We can be more than friends,
Love will find us again.
-Britney Spears "Autumn Goodbye
Chapter 13: Present
Lexi couldn't hide the guilt that was written all over her face. She hadn't done anything, but just that fact that she was with Jack was bad enough. Sure she had resisted him this time around. She had told him off and kept him at a distance…well as much of a distance as she could with Jack. However, the knowledge that he still got to her after everything was infuriating. Of course, Ramsey was the last person she had wanted to witness them alone together, but she couldn't think of anyone else who would be happy about the situation either. She could just hear Chyna's disapproving tone if she knew what Lexi had gotten herself into.
She didn't even glance from Ramsey's stormy green eyes to look at Jack. She had known him long enough to understand what was going on in his head right now…to know his expression. It wasn't like this was the first time they had been caught together. The thought made her sick to her stomach.
The reason she had left Atlanta in the first place was so that this would stop happening. How could she let this keep happening? Her heart went out to Ramsey as she searched his face. He had to be in Jack's wedding and it was pretty obvious that if he hadn't despised him prior to this moment…he did now. He looked as if he could rip him to pieces…tear him limb from limb and feel no remorse for his actions.
He was usually so calm and controlled. Only a select few times had she seen him go off on anyone…she was unfortunate to have been one of those people. He had made up for it of course, but she didn't wish the experience on anyone else. Not even Jack someone who probably deserved a good telling-off.
Ramsey cleared his throat as if her and Jack jumping apart hadn't assured his introduction. "Bekah is looking for you." Ramsey could barely contain a growl as he pointedly made the statement. His free hand was clenched at his side. The muscles around his mouth were tight and strained. A deep furrow formed between his eyebrows the longer he stood before Jack and Lexi.
Jack nodded slumping his shoulders as he slunk forward toward Ramsey. He stopped just before reaching him and said, "Hey man, you mind not telli…"
Ramsey's threatening glare cut him off. He could have pierced straight through him in that moment, and Jack knew it. "I think my sister is still waiting for you," he spat at Jack clearly disgusted.
Jack snapped his mouth shut. Whatever he had been about to inquire of Ramsey died on his tongue. He nodded his head resolutely and scurried from the security of the weeping willow. Lexi watched him go with resignation that soon she would be alone with Ramsey, and she would have to account for her inexplicable actions.
Lexi didn't have to be a genius to know what Jack had been about to ask though. It was pretty clear that if she hadn't wanted Ramsey to know…Jack sure as hell didn't want Bekah to find out. Ramsey and her weren't even dating anymore, but he was supposed to marry that detestable woman by the end of the week. The last thing Jack would want Bekah to know about was that he had been alone with Lexi. Lexi had gone to such lengths to keep them apart for the past year, and here they were again making the same stupid mistakes. No matter her present relationship with Ramsey, she knew that she didn't want him to know that they had been together. And Jack, no matter how much he seemed to not care that he was getting married when he was with her, still didn't want his fiancé to know.
She couldn't blame him for having been about to ask Ramsey not to tell Bekah. It was a futile endeavor, but she couldn't blame him for it.
Their predicament didn't exactly make sense. She had left him behind. He had agreed to marry another woman. After everything they should know better than to be alone together for any period of time. Now not only had she made the stupid mistake of agreeing to come to this wedding because of Jack, but she had been caught alone with him.
She just wanted to hit herself for her own stupidity. She wouldn't blame anyone for being angry at her. All she wanted to do was call Chyna and get yelled at to avoid the reprimand she was certain was coming from Ramsey.
Lexi took a deep breath in the near silence that followed Jack's departure. She still hadn't broken eye contact with Ramsey, and she knew that his emotions were close to boiling over the surface. She wanted to speak first…to explain, but she was lost for words. What could she possibly say? How could she possibly begin?
Ramsey began for her. "Look I know we're not together," he said closing off their exit and walking forward towards her. He ran his hands back through his honey blonde hair and scratched the back of his head as if in thought.
"I know that we have a lot of things to work out. I know that you're pretty pissed off at me. I just…I can't…I just don't understand. I just can't begin to fathom your reasoning." His words came out rushed and babbling and Lexi was struck with her first meeting with him when he hadn't been able to shut up. It made her want to smile, but not at this moment.
"I just…look there's no other way around it…excuse my way of asking this, but what the fuck were you doing?" he asked unable to keep his ever-present cool.
Lexi's mouth popped open at the statement. "Nothing," she piped up after a second of hesitation, devastation evident in her features.
"Nothing? You're going to try and come back with nothing?" he asked his eyes narrowing dangerously. If he had looked angry before it was nothing in comparison to the fire in him at her plea of innocence.
"Really Ramsey, we weren't doing anything," she squeaked gulping down hard.
He took a deep breath clearly trying not to just snap at her. "You left the party. When I got back from helping my sister at my father's request…no, demand you were just gone. When I asked around the only response I got was that you had left with Jack. That they had seen you take a walk together. That you were…" he took another calming breath but couldn't keep the bite out of his voice, "with Jack…alone."
Lexi couldn't find a response. All of that was true. She could hardly deny the facts that she had been an idiot and left with him.
"I don't know why you came here," he said gesturing to the weeping willow. "I don't even know how he knows about this place."
It was evident that this locale had more significance than Ramsey was letting on. She didn't know nor, at this moment, did she want to know what was special about where she was standing. All she could think about was the anger that he was directing towards her.
"Regardless," he grumbled leaning in closer to her, "Then I find you two together, against each other…holding each other. I just…I don't understand why you would…for Christ's sake, you even look guilty," he rushed out.
Lexi took a healing breath in hopes of calming her heart which was slamming around in her chest. "I know. I know," she muttered quickly. "That's probably because I feel guilty for being alone with him."
She couldn't deny that. She hadn't wanted to go for a walk with him in the first place. She knew the dangers. Yet, she had agree in the end anyway. Whether her intentions were clear didn't matter, because she had gone ahead and followed him to this place. She had stayed despite his advances, despite the gnawing feeling that everything that was happening was a terrible mistake. Sure they had resisted each other, but to what extent. He still had enough power and control to get her to leave with him, walk with him, follow him to the ends of the earth. She wanted to hit herself for being so stupid.
"Then why did you do it? Why do you get suckered in by him?" he begged the question storming past her and sitting on the now empty bench.
"I don't know," she cried throwing her arms up in the air. It was a question she had always asked herself. A question anyone that knew her at all asked her. Jack was a douche, to put it plainly. He was the bane of her existence. He didn't deserve one second of her precious time.
She knew that.
Of course she knew that. If anyone knew what kind of pull Jack had on her, it was Lexi. She hated it more than anyone in this moment. It was the whole reason she had left Atlanta a year ago. She had to get away from him…to try and leave him behind. But that didn't just kill her affection for him. She didn't stop desiring him because of it. They had a connection, a chemistry that she had no idea how to explain to the outside world.
When they were apart she could feel all her thoughts of Jack slowly drain out of her. She didn't want him, not at all. She knew he was all wrong for her and that she would be better off focusing her attention elsewhere…preferably on the hunk of a man sitting in front of her. When they were apart, she could clearly delineate her desire and past love for the man from the hatred and sickening feeling she got when she thought about the fact that he was marrying another woman.
But when they were together, it wasn't so simple. Their train wreck of a relationship had been dysfunctional, but in a strange way it had worked for them. Not in a healthy, lovey-dovey relationship kind of way, but still…it had sort of worked.
Yet, she couldn't explain that to Ramsey. How could he possibly understand that? Even with knowing so much about her relationship with Jack, he couldn't ever really understand.
"I don't know how to explain," she finally muttered quietly.
"Well could you just try, because I'm at a loss."
"It's not as if you've been saintly," Lexi grumbled walking in a disgruntled circle. She hated going on the defensive in this situation, but she couldn't help it.
"I'm not saying I have been, and I'd apologize a thousand times over if you'd just let me, but that's neither here nor there." Lexi rolled her eyes but didn't deny his logic. "Please try to explain Jack to me."
"He's just…I don't know," she started again chewing on her bottom lip and forcefully pushing some hair behind her ear. "You don't want to hear me talk about him." She glanced back towards him briefly and saw that he was eyeing her very closely, but turned back away quickly.
"No really I do. I just can't fathom why you would be so stupid as to come out here with him," he stated the matter simply. "You know that only leads to things you'll regret." He didn't have to say that she knew better, but she heard it anyway.
Now, Lexi turned and openly stared at him. "You're the one who dragged me out here. You're the one who insisted I come to this wedding. I haven't seen Jack more than a handful of times in a year and certainly not long enough to have a conversation with him…" she began not able to keep her defensive nature down.
"Because you refused to see him," he cried interrupting her.
"Of course I did!" she shot back throwing her arms in the air. "Do you think I don't know what kind of effect he has on me?"
"If you know, then why go near him?" he questioned her. He sounded genuinely curious, but she could hear more. His breathing was shallow, and he was getting worked up.
"I had no plans of going near him. The last thing I wanted was to go to this wedding. You knew that and yet you asked me to go anyway," she said feeling like an idiot as soon as the words slipped out of her mouth.
"Are you trying to blame this on me?" he asked jumping down her throat at the first chance. "Because I'm pretty sure you refused to go to this wedding with me. Then Jack swoops in and invites you, and suddenly you change your story. There's really something fucked up about that Lexi."
Lexi mouth fell open. "So there it is," she grumbled. "Just laying it all out there for me."
"You can't seriously deny that it's messed up," he implored trying to reason with her. Lexi crossed her arms refusing to give a response. "Fine, refuse to deny it. That's fine. Just I don't know try and explain Jack to me. Even though I'm in the man's wedding, I don't see the appeal."
"Ramsey," she muttered sighing heavily. "You don't want to hear this." She turned away from him not wanting to meet his eyes.
"Please, just help me understand," he said grabbing her by the waist and swinging her back around to face him.
Lexi puffed out the breath she was holding unsure of how to proceed with the conversation. She couldn't actually believe that he wanted to know what she felt for Jack…or didn't feel. She could hardly explain it to herself let alone him. And anyway, all it would accomplish was to hurt him.
Staring up into his emerald green eyes, she tried to think about Jack in a way that she could possibly explain to the man standing before her. They both had avoided the subject on numerous occasions, but now it was all catching up with her.
"He just…I don't know Ramsey, you really want me to talk about this?" she asked glancing anxiously around the enclosure. She was desperately trying to get out of this conversation. She figured if she kept asking then maybe he would change his mind.
"Please," he begged. Maybe not.
"Jack and I…" Lexi began hating the way the words fell from her mouth, "we've been through this kind of tug of war for…God, seven years now," she said still amazed at the length of time they had been playing this game. "We had this instant connection. Electric chemistry," she murmured trying not tell too much, but unable to lie about her and Jack. Lying to Ramsey did no good in this situation. She wanted to spare his feelings, but really she had tried to warn him. "It was like the sun only shined when we were together.
"Like the world fell away and it was just the two of us," she murmured softly trying to keep the adoration out of her voice, but finding it increasingly difficult. She could remember the way Chyna claimed she looked when she talked about Jack…dreamy-eyed and seductive. She hoped she didn't look like that now… "We have such a long history that when I look into his eyes that's all I can see. I forget the stupidity of what we've done and who could get hurt. I just remember the man who loved me once," she muttered softly her heart hurting at the admission. "It's like a moth to a flame."
"So what are we?" Ramsey asked finally after she had paused.
"It's not like that."
"Like what?" he asked genuinely curious.
"It's not you or him." She hated herself for admitting the feeling that she had been having for a long time.
Ramsey's eyes stormed over once more at the statement. "No, Lexi it really is me or him."
"That's not what I meant," she said backtracking, "I just mean that…you didn't replace him."
"What?" Ramsey snapped becoming angrier with every statement.
"Oh God," Lexi cried sitting down heavily on the bench and burying her head in her hands. "I don't mean it like that either. Do you remember the first time you told me you loved me?" she whispered.
Ramsey was struck with emotion at the mention of her loving him. It was the first time she had used the word since she had left. "Of course," he said matching her tone.
"I kind of realized it then," she murmured pulling back to look into his curious eyes.
"Realized what?"
"That thinking of you as replacing Jack would just be a disservice to you."
Ramsey stared at her stunned. He wasn't sure he was comprehending her correctly. "A disservice?" he asked wanting to be clear.
Lexi sighed and brushed a loose lock of hair behind her ear before continuing. "You occupy a new place in my heart… a place I wanted only you to touch."
Ramsey smiled, truly smiled for the first time since he had brushed aside the weeping willow branches. Sitting down beside her on the park bench, he took in her beauty. She clearly looked torn, but beneath that she was just as gorgeous as the first time he had seen her. "This can't happen again," he said his tone determined even though he was weakened by her admission.
Lexi turned away from his demanding eyes. She knew first hand it couldn't happen again. Jack was going to be married by the end of the week, and she would be in attendance. But besides being alone with the groom, she hadn't actually done anything wrong. And she hated being reprimanded…for anything. "Don't tell me what to do Ramsey. I know what I need to do."
Ramsey sighed hating that he had started another argument with her. "What's that? What do you need to do?"
"I just need to get through this week…this wedding," she added leaning back against the bench and staring straight forward.
"What happens after that week?" he asked hoping just by chance that she would answer him the way he desired. Instead, she just shrugged. She couldn't commit to anything. There was too much to think about before she could begin to answer that question.
"You know how I feel about you, and all my concerns for you and your future," he said grasping her chin and turning it back towards him. "You know I want to be a part of that future."
"Yeah well you should have thought about that," she murmured hating herself for bringing up her own insecurities when she was most weak. "You should have thought about that the past couple months." She pulled her chin out from his grasp.
Ramsey sighed heavily letting his hand drop to his lap. "Look I don't want to fight with you. You're right, I asked you to come down here. I messed up. And yeah, I kind of expected you and Jack to need…a moment," he said, the last words with a grating edge like nails on a chalkboard. "But I just can't get over the fact that we've only been here an hour and I just told you the man is having doubts. Can you not cut me some slack here Lexi? I'm really trying."
"So I've heard," she grumbled.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I've just heard from everyone about how much you're trying," she murmured. She hadn't meant to bring it up. She really hadn't, but she had heard about him trying a bit too much recently. She wanted to know what was going on.
"I don't know what anyone else has said, but yes Lexi I am trying. It's no secret that I want you back," he said running his hand up her bare arm, up across her shoulder, and trailing through her thick brown hair.
As he began to massage her neck, she let the anger drain out of her. The only reason she had asked about any of this was because she had gotten caught. Everything that had happened with Jack was her fault. Ramsey wasn't exactly off the hook for what had gone on with them before, but she couldn't blame him for her mistakes. She deserved to get reprimanded. She didn't deserve a neck massage after acting like an idiot that was for sure. She hated herself for making him feel bad after all of this.
"Look I'm sorry," she murmured softly turning into his shoulder and wrapping her arms around his neck. He pulled her across the bench and onto his lap holding her tight. "I…we have a lot to talk about, but right now isn't the time or place. I shouldn't have…"
"It's okay," he said bringing his lips gently down onto hers. "We'll work it out."
Lexi had never really thought that Ramsey had such a strong pull on her emotionally…not like Jack. Their relationship had been so different than anything she had experienced with him that she had always separated the emotions she felt for the two men. Her and Ramsey always acted together…as equals. Their relationship developed slowly over time and she had been careful to guard her heart. Then when she had finally given it freely, he managed to hurt her anyway.
And still she couldn't deny her feelings for him…just like with Jack. She spent close to a year of her life with him in an uninhibited relationship. In a relationship that she truly thought was going somewhere.
She knew in time they would need to discuss what had happened, but she wasn't ready for that moment yet. She was still too angry…too bitter. But she wasn't sure if she was ready to get rid of it all. They just needed time.
"Are you alright to go back up there?" Ramsey asked standing and planting her lightly back on her feet.
Lexi nodded as she brushed off her dress where it had wrinkled from sitting in his lap. She swished all of her hair over one shoulder to try and catch a breeze on the back of her neck. This wasn't the first time she had forgotten how unbearably hot Georgia summer afternoons are.
Ramsey swept aside the branches of the willow and the oppressive heat hit Lexi full force as she exited back onto the trail that led to the party. Their anger subsided for the moment, the two walked side by side towards his parents. Lexi contemplated reaching for his hand, but let it stay at her side. No need to give more complicated signs than she was already giving.
The scene before them was as if nothing had happened. Jack was standing at Bekah's side smiling into her enamored face. Three women stood beside her, and Lexi was pretty sure she knew who they were. She remembered the last time she had been in proximity to Bekah's best friends, the Fearsome Four, as Ramsey had called them. She had nearly been sick listening to them talking in the 755 Club. It wasn't exactly a fond memory, and she wasn't looking forward to seeing them again.
As they approached, a glass of lemonade was thrust in each of their hands, and they were shuffled closer to the bride and groom. The closer they got, the louder Ramsey's father's voice rang in the afternoon air. It was clear he was making a toast.
"To honor my beautiful daughter…"
Lexi half-listened to the speech as her eyes moved back to Bekah's friends. They all had shining blonde hair in various stages of bleach. She wasn't certain if any of them were natural. Or perhaps they had been at one point, but they had now died their hair so often they couldn't remember if the shade was sandy or honey…or anything other than manufactured color that Lexi felt she needed sunglasses to even look at.
"and my soon-to-be son-in-law…"
The tallest one was easily the prettiest of the three. As much as Lexi hated admitting it, she didn't have Bekah's natural good looks and poise, but she was stunning in her own right. She couldn't place names with any of them since she had never been officially introduced. All that rang through in her mind was a terrible southern drawl talking about fucking in the middle of a crowded party where anyone could hear her…and Bekah encouraging her.
"I know that through their love…"
The thought turned her stomach as if she were still standing in the club hearing the words as she eavesdropped on their conversation. She assumed that the pretty one was the bitch with the drawl. Beauty and money tend to bring about a sense of self-righteousness. Not to mention the damn girl was wearing cowboy boots with her yellow sundress…a style Lexi still hadn't come to grips with.
"and devotion to one another…"
Lexi tried not to snort at the last statement as he eyes shifted to the one standing in the middle. She was a tiny little thing with a button nose and calculating, round, baby blue eyes. Unlike the other girls, her dress was loose fitting, and extremely conservative…even for a country club. Her demeanor oozed prude. If she hadn't been hanging around Bekah, Lexi would have thought she would be better placed in a church.
"they will have a marriage as fulfilling as any we've witnessed…"
The last girl seemed the most normal of the bunch…if that word could even be used about someone who was actually friends with Bekah. Her hair was cut short into a bob that curled up under chin with large sweeping bangs that completely covered her forehead. Her smile seemed genuine as she looked at Bekah's own happiness. Lexi wasn't sure if she could ever be friends with someone that Bekah had known for such a long time, but just based on appearances, this girl had to be the closest thing to a human being around.
"Saturday will be just the first of so many more wonderful moments in their lives…"
Lexi let her eyes shift back to Bekah and Jack. Their hands were lightly entwined as they stared up at her father. Every couple seconds they would sneak glances at each other. A pain shot through Lexi's chest from watching them interact together. One thing was obvious – Jack hadn't told Bekah anything. She looked so incredibly happy standing next to him, Lexi was having a hard time reconciling the situation in her mind.
"to the happy couple…"
She knew Bekah and Jack cared for each other, but somehow it had never felt real. It had all been a trick. Bekah had used Lexi to get Jack. There was absolutely no way that a sane person could participate in that kind of deception and still have normal human feelings. For some reason, seeing them together actually happy, everything came in perspective.
"may they remember this time forever."
Jack was marrying Bekah. This was really happening.
"To Jack and Bekah."
The crowd echoed the final sentiment, raised their glasses in unison, and took a swig of their beverage of choice. Lexi took a tentative sip of her lemonade, sputtered when she realized that the punch was spiked, and then downed another large gulp. She would need the alcohol to get through the rest of day.
The two moved in closer to the wedding party as the remainder of the crowd dispersed. She couldn't help but notice the twinkle in his father's eye from the toast and the look of adoration on his face as he stared at his only daughter.
"Ramsey, Lexi, so nice to see you could make it," Bekah said immediately including them into the group. Though, Lexi knew too well not to expect that to have been a welcoming. It was likely more that she was pointing out that the two of them had been missing.
Ramsey's father clapped him on the back at Bekah's statement. "Good thing you got back in time, son."
"I have to apologize," Lexi said speaking up in his presence, no matter how terrifying and imposing a figure he might be, "I was just admiring your beautiful trove of weeping willows." Lexi made a pointed effort not to look at Jack the whole time.
His father beamed. "That's understandable. They're gorgeous, massive trees right there on the lake." His wife bobbed her head along with the statements. Turning his attention back to Bekah, he asked, "What kind of trouble are you ladies getting into tonight?"
Bekah ducked her chin to her chest as if she were an innocent little girl up to no trouble whatsoever. "Nothing daddy."
"Don't daddy me. I'm footin' the bill. Where are ya'll headin'?" he bellowed.
Bekah glanced from her dad to Jack and back. "You want me to say in front of the groom," she asked giggling clearly putting on a show. "Well alright, we're just going to go to a few clubs daddy. We'll be in by midnight."
"Midnight," he scoffed as if it was the most ridiculous statement he had heard.
Lexi wasn't even sure what they were referring to in the first place. And she didn't see why it mattered that she was going clubbing tonight with her friends. It didn't exactly seem like an affair her father would typically be interested in.
"Could Lexi come with us since we're down one?" Bekah asked her smile turning into a smirk at the edges. Lexi snapped to attention at the mention of her name. Where exactly was she going? Did Bekah actually just include her in something? She hadn't signed up for this. Not to mention, she wasn't exactly thrilled with filling in if they were down one…whatever that one was.
"You're my only daughter and you're only getting married once," he said that with finality. "You can take whoever you damn well want to. And anyway I insist she go along with you. Anyone who can stand Ramsey this long is someone you should be better acquainted with," he muttered a harsh laugh following the statement.
Lexi's mouth hung open slightly. She felt Ramsey stiffen at her side, but he didn't say anything. The looks she was receiving from Bekah and her friends weren't exactly comforting either. She was pretty certain that whatever they had in mind wasn't something she wanted to be involved in. "Go with you where?" she piped up.
Bekah turned to her as if she had forgotten that Lexi wasn't in the know. Except that she had done everything on purpose. Bekah was always in control…always calculating. Every move was devious and planned out beforehand. Lexi wasn't going to soon forget it. "Bachelorette party tonight doll."
Lexi knew she needed to watch herself before answering. This couldn't be happening. How was she unfortunate enough to be at the bachelor party and now she was getting corralled into a bachelorette party. "Wow I appreciate the offer…" she began her voice monotone. She obviously was not thrilled with the invite.
"Well great," their father interrupted, "it's all settled then."
Lexi had meant to finish with something all the lines of, "but I'm busy tonight." However, apparently after their father spoke everything else was final. Ramsey it seemed was the only person who ever argued with the man, and at this moment he thought it pertinent not to speak up. Lexi would have a few words with him later about that. But right now she needed to find a way out of this mess, because there was no way she was going to a bachelorette party with any of these people.
K.A. Linde
