Текст книги "Midshipman's Hope"

Автор книги: Дэвид Файнток

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Then I stopped; I might want to clamber around the outside of Telstar’shull. “Get me a T-suit, Derek.”

A thrustersuit was cumbersome but had the advantage of greater mobility. In my own suit I could walk, step by magnetized step, across the surface of Telstar’souter hull, but in a T-suit I could lift off from the hull and skim over for a better look. At Academy I hated regular suit drills but loved the Tsuit instruction.

I stepped into the semirigid, alumalloy reinforced suitframe. Derek handed me the helmet; I slipped it into the slots and gave it a half turn. Derek locked the stays into place; I double-checked them all. I had no intention of accidentally breathing vacuum.

With a grunt Derek lifted the heavy tank assembly and clipped it to the alumalloy supports on the back of my suit.

We strapped the propellant tanks into place. My helmet’s sensor lights flashed green; I was ready-to go. Derek’s hand fell on my arm and lingered. “Be careful, sir,” he said softly.

“Please.”

I shook loose my arm. “Remember you’re a Naval officer, Mr. Carr.” He meant well, but a midshipman must know better than to touch his Captain, no matter how many vacations they’d taken together. Sometimes Derek had no sense of propriety.

The three sailors were suited and waiting. We cycled through the lock and clambered into the gig.”Open the hatch, Vax,” I said into my suit radio.

“Right, sir.” I jumped; his voice was loud in the speaker.

All seamen were given a modicum of training on small boats; I gestured to a sailor I knew had additional experience.

“Go ahead, Mr. Howard. Take us across.”

A couple of squirts sent us gently out the hatch. We glided across the void. From Hibernia’sbridge, the distance to Tel-starseemed small, but from the tiny gig it was immense. We neared the silent ship.

“Steer past the disk, Mr. Howard.” At negligible speed we drifted past the rent in the fabric of Telstar’shull. The edges of the tear appeared to have melted and run. What could have generated so much heat? “What’s the radiation reading, Mr. Brant?”

The sailor held the rad meter steady.” None, sir. Nothing at all.” Odd. If Telstar’sdrive had blown, we’d find substantial emissions.

When the trouble arose, Telstar’sdrive couldn’t have been ignited, or we’d never have found her in normal space. Telstarhad Defused at the usual checkpoint, as we ourselves had, to plot position before proceeding past Hope Nation to Miningcamp. With a six percent variation for error, that meant she could have Defused anywhere within eight million miles of where we’d emerged. Pure luck that we’d stumbled upon her.If Telstar’sdrive was turned off, what could have vaporized her hull? I had no answer. Whatever it was, we had to know, lest the same happen to us or other vessels in the fleet. I remembered Darla’s glitch and shivered. “Mr. Howard, take us to within a meter of the hull. Mr. Brant, open the hatch and get another reading up close.”

A moment later Brant put down the rad meter. “Still nothing, sir. The hull isn’t hot.”

“It could have been hull stress, sir.”

I jumped. “Damn it, Vax, lower your voice before you give me a heart attack. And that’s no stress fracture. We’ll see what we find inside.”

I had Mr. Brant transfer to Telstar’shull. He planted a magnetic buoy from our gig at his feet, activated it, hooked our mooring line to it. Now, if one of us pushed against the boat as he stepped off, the gig couldn’t drift away and leave us stranded.

We climbed out onto Telstar’shull. Her locks were sealed from within; the simplest way to board was to drop through the gaping hole into one of the cabins. The edges of the tear were rounded and smooth, minimizing the risk of ripping our tough-skinned suits.

“You first, Mr. Ulak. Take a light with you.” The seaman jumped down through the hole, into Telstar.“What do you see?”

“Just a mess.” He opened the cabin hatch, peered into the corridor. “Come on down, sir. We can walk around easy enough.”

“Be careful, sir.” Vax sounded anxious.

I climbed into the opening in the hull and jumped down.

I was in a passenger cabin.

Everything loose had been swept out in the decompression.

A bed remained, bolted to the deck. A sheet drooped forlornly from one corner. I swallowed.

“Vax, we’re on Level 2. The corridors are dark, but we all have lights. Mr. Brant, explore Level 2. Mr. Howard, Mr.

Ulak, go down to the engine room; see if you can figure out what caused the damage. Vax, it doesn’t look like any of the disk sections are sealed. I’ll go up to Level 1 and try to get onto the bridge.”

“Take one of the men with you, sir.”

“Don’t nag, Mother.”

I clambered along the debris-strewn corridor. Flotsam flung about by the decompression had settled everywhere, making the ship seem grossly untidy. I walked slowly, checking hatches as I went. Many were closed, but none were sealed from inside. I climbed the ladder to Level 1.

I passed the wardroom, then the lieutenants’ common room. The hatch was slightly ajar. I opened it, stuck my head in.”Oh, Lord God!” My scream echoed in my suit. I flung out my arms, stumbled back in terror.

“Captain! What is it?” Vax was frantic.

I gagged, swallowing in a frantic effort to hold down my gorge. “Unh! God. I’m all right, Vax. A corpse. Somebody in a suit, with a smashed helmet. The head is damaged, like it was eaten away. Something must have penetrated the helmet.” It had been inches from my nose.

I breathed deeply over and again, in an effort to slow my pounding heart. The adrenaline had left me trembling. I sagged against the bulkhead, steadying myself. “Sorry.”

“Let me come across, sir!”

/’Denied. Stay on the bridge. I’m all right; I just got a fright.” I headed for Telstar’sbridge. “I’m trying to figure out what happened here. Right now I’m about ninety degrees along the disk from the damage.” If I kept talking, I wouldn’t have to think about what I’d seen. “The cabin where I found the corpse had no hull damage. I guess something ricocheted down the corridor and hit him just as he opened the hatch.

Okay, I’m at the bridge now.”

I slapped the hatch control, to no effect. “The bridge is sealed; I’ll never be able to get in without tools. I’ll check the remaining cabins past the corridor bend.” A figure moved in the dim standby light. “Mr. Ulak, is that you?” I hurried toward him. “What did you find belo–”

I froze.

“Captain?” Vax.

My mouth worked. No sound came.

“Sir, are you all right?”

I produced a small whimper, like a child in a nightmare.

Urine trickled down my leg.

“Say what’s wrong!” Vax bellowed.

I whispered,”Ulak. Brant. Howard. Back to the gig, flank! Mr. Holser, sound General Quarters! Battle Stations!”

I tried to back away. My feet seemed glued to the deck.

The figure in the corridor quivered. It wore a kind of translucent suit that sat legless on the deck, flowing from an irregular base to near my own height.

Globs of matter seemed to flow along the skin of the suit.

A jagged patch on the suit, a meter above the deck, contracted and expanded again. Colors flowed.

I willed myself to step backward. “There’s something here! It’s alive and it’s not human.” Why did I whisper when nothing could hear through vacuum? I took another step.

“Lord God... “ We ask thy mercy, in this our final hour.“General Quarters! Man your Battle Stations!” Vax bellowed orders into the caller. “Mr. Carr, seal the bridge!”

The creature moved. I couldn’t see how. It... flowed toward me. I took another step back, then another.

It moved again. It changed shape as it flowed, then regained height. It seemed subtly changed.

Suddenly I understood.

“Oh, Lord God, it isn’t in a suit! That’s its own skin; it can live in vacuum! Vax, it’s changing shapes!” A surge of adrenaline freed me to move. The creature darted away, heading the opposite direction along the corridor. It moved with breathtaking speed.

I turned and ran. “Ulak, Brant! Where are you?”

“Back at the gig, sir! Hurry!”

I stumbled down the ladder, the steps pulling at my magnetized feet.

“Howard reporting. I’m in the gig. Where is it, sir?”

“I don’t know!” Panting, I pounded down the corridor. I risked a glance backward. Nothing.

“Oh, Jesus Lord! It’s coming out of the hull!” A shriek.

“Launch the gig!” I shouted. “Back to the ship! Don’t wait!”

Vax roared, “Belay that! Pick up the Captain first!”

“Go!” I gasped for breath, racing to the cabin I’d first entered. Wait. I skidded to a stop. If one of the beings was emerging from a tear in the hull, it must be in one of these cabins. I couldn’t get out the way I’d come.

“We’re clear of the hull! Captain, come on out, we’ll try to reach you!”

Vax. “Man the lasers! Seal all compartments!”

! keyed my caller. “Mr. Howard, back to the ship!” I raced to the ladder to Level 3. “I’ll come out below!”

“We’re thirty meters distant, sir! Where are you?”

“Engine room!” I swung my light wildly around the darkened compartment. Stars glinted through a breach in the hull.

I clambered toward it, squeezed myself through. In a moment I stood onthe hull, trying to spot the gig against the black of interstellar space.

There, about fifty meters aft.

“Here!” I waved my light.

“Right, sir.” Seaman Brant maneuvered the gig closer.

“That... thing is halfway out of the hull, behind you.” I spun around; an alien form quivered in a gap in Telstar’shull, over one of the cabins. My skin crawled.

I remembered my jets, touched the nozzle control at my side. I lifted off. Clear of the infested ship, separated from whatever scampered in its corridors, I felt weak with relief.

Still, I floated alone in space, with no protection but a suit. I

hadn’t even thought to go into Telstararmed.

Hiberniashrank perceptibly. I shuddered. Vax was moving the ship clear to Fuse. To abandon us. Helpless, I calculated distances. My panic ebbed. He was only turning the ship to bring her lasers to bear. “Darla, record!” I shouted. “Full visuals!”

“I have been, sir.” Her voice was calm. “Ever since you took the gig.”

I keyed my thrusters, propelled myself toward the gig’s silhouette.

Someone moaned.

A voice; a sailor in the gig.”Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in heaven... “

With a squirt of my side jets, I rotated to face Telstar.A plump oval shape drifted from behind the dead ship. It looked, Lord God help me, like a huge goldfish with a stubby tail. It was almost half as large as Telstar.It pulsed. A mist spurted from an opening near the tail. It glided past the hull toward us. Colors flowed on its surface.

Rough-surfaced globs projected from its sides.

I found my voice. “Gig, back to Hibernia!Flank!” I slammed on my thrusters, veered away from the gig, spun toward my ship.

The creature I’d found within Telstarrecoiled against the hull, launched itself at the fish as it floated by. It touched the being’s side and clung there for a moment, growing smaller.

The surface of the huge creature seemed to flow. The being outside of it disappeared, absorbed within.

One of the rough globs on the goldfish lengthened, began to spin in a slow, widening circle. It gained momentum.

Abruptly it detached and flew directly at the gig.

“Look out!” My cry came too late. The projectile splattered on the gig’s hull, oozed along its side. The gig’s alumalloy frame sputtered and melted beneath the glob.

A choked scream, suddenly cut off. The gig’s engine flared and died. The glob ate away at the gig’s hull. Frantic motion, in the cockpit. Metal dripped onto a suit and pierced it. There was a visible rush of air. Blood, a wild kick, then nothing.

I looked back at the goldfish. Another, much larger projectile began to wave.

“Vax!”

“Yessir, I’m coming!”

“Fuse the ship!”

“Jet this way, sir! Hurry!”

“Fuse! Go to Hope Nation! Save the ship!”

“You’re almost aboard, Captain!” Hibernia’sbow drifted around.

An icy calm slowed my slamming heart. “Mr. Holser, Fuse the ship at once! Acknowledge my order!”

“Captain, move! Jet over here!”

The fishlike being released its projectile. The mass whipped toward Hibernia.It struck the gossamer laser shields protruding from the nose ports. They disintegrated in rivulets of metal.

Vax shouted, “Fire!” The tracking beam of Hibernia’slaser centered on the goldfish, just now drifting clear of Tel-star.A spot in its side glowed red. The skin colors swirled.

The goldfish jerked as if in convulsion.

The creature’s skin swirled and opened to form half a dozen tiny holes. Droplets of fluid burst from them. The goldfish slid away toward the protection of Telstar’shull. The laser followed, centered again on the side of the fish. More holes spouted protoplasm. Abruptly, it was behind Telstar.In slow motion I drifted across the void. Hiberniahad to be saved, regardless of my fate. “Fuse! For God’s sake, Vax! Obey orders!” I was frantic.

“Hurry, sir! Use the forward airlock! Alexi, cycle the lock!”

I was too far from the ship. The enemy might come out at any moment. I sobbed with rage and frustration. “Vax, Fuse!”

“Hurry, Captain!”

I was beside myself. “VAX, FUSE THE FUCKINGSHIP!”His soft response came clear in my speaker. “No, sir. Not until I have you aboard.”

Cursing, I accelerated until I was almost upon the ship, then flipped over and decelerated full blast as Sarge had taught us years before, at Academy.

I’d waited too long. I sailed into the airlock feet first, still decelerating. My feet smashed into the inner hatch just as I snapped off my jets. I crashed to the deck.

The outer hatch slid closed. I scrambled to my feet, in a frenzy for the chamber to pressurize. Alexi’s anxious face stared through the transplex. The hatch slid open. I stumbled aboard.

“Captain’s on board!” Alexi slammed shut the hatch.

Vax roared, “Engine room, Fuse!” I felt the engines whine. Alexi lifted the jets from my back while I unsnapped my helmet stays. Rafe Treadwell, white-faced, helped a sailor pull me out of my suit.

My wet pants clung to my legs. “Are we Fused?”

Alexi grabbed the caller. “Mr. Holser, Captain asks if we’re Fused.”

“Yes, sir. Energy readings are normal. Fusion is ignited.”

I trembled with rage. “All officers to the bridge. Everyone! I’ll be along in a minute.” Yanking my other arm free of the T-suit I pushed past Rafe and half ran up the ladder to my cabin.

Inside, I stripped off my pants and shorts with mindless haste and threw on a dry pair of slacks. I stumbled out of the cabin, buttoning my pants as I ran toward the bridge. I slapped the control; the bridge hatch slid open.

Derek, Alexi, Vax, and the Pilot stood by the console.

Behind them were the Chief and Mr. Crossburn. Philip Tyre waited uncertainly by the hatch.

I crossed to my chair. For a moment I stood holding to the back of it. Mr. Chantir came in, pale, breathing hard. Dr.

Uburu followed.

Vax came close. “Are you all right, sir?”

“Get away from me!” I shoved him.

“Lord God.” We all turned to Dr. Uburu. She bowed her head. “Almighty Lord God, we thank you for our deliverance from evil. We ask you to bless us, to bless our voyage, and to bring health and well-being to all aboard.”

“Amen.” I murmured the soothing word with the others, feeling the Doctor’s calm and strength flow into me. “Good heavens.” My voice was quieter. I sank into my chair.

“Darla, did you get that?”

“Every bit of it.” Her tone was grim.

“Play it back.”

“Aye aye, sir.” Thank Lord God she knew not to be flippant.

Her screen flickered. Mesmerized, we watched her recording of Telstar’storn hull while our past conversation flowed from the speaker. “I’ll go up to Level 1 and try to get onto the bridge.”

A long pause. My bloodcurdling scream, and Vax’s shout.

“Captain, what is it?”

I spoke over my recorded reply. “It must have been one of those–things that smashed his suit visor. Then it did something to his head.” I tried not to retch.

On the speaker, I whimpered. Then, “Battle Stations!”

Vax’s shouted commands. For a moment nothing changed on the screen. A spacesuited man appeared, scrambling into the gig. Then another. After a moment the third.

The speaker said, “Oh, Jesus Lord! It’s coming out–”

“Freeze!” The image hung frozen, in response to my order. “Maximum magnification.” The screen swooped in on the amorphous shape halfway out of the hole in Telstar’shull.

Blobs of color set almost at random in the outer skin.

“Christ, it looks like an amoeba!” said Lieutenant Chantir.

“Don’t blaspheme!” I studied the screen. “It can’t be single-celled. Not if it’s that large.”

“I don’t ever want to know,” Alexi muttered. I glared him into silence.

“Go on, Darla.” The image began to move. The gig pulled clear in response to my order, drifted alongside the dead ship, waiting for me to emerge. I jetted toward the gig, tiny against the bulk of the dead ship’s hull. The bizarre goldfish floated from behind the hull. In space, I twisted to look at it. Sickened, I watched the destruction of the gig amid my own frantic shouts to Vax. “Fuse! Go to Hope Nation! Save the ship!”

The commotion blared from the speakers. “Fuse! For God’s sake, Vax! Obey orders!” I listened, unwilling, to my desperate pleas and Vax’s repeated demands that I hurry.

Then Vax Holser’s soft voice said the irretrievable, damning words. “No, sir. Not until I have you aboard.”

I put my head in my hands. “Turn it off.” My words hung flat in the sudden silence. A long moment passed. I got heavily to my feet. “Darla, please record.” Her cameras lit.

I faced Vax. “Lieutenant Holser, you deliberately disobeyed your Captain’s orders to Fuse, not once but five times.

Without question you are unfit to serve in the United Nations Naval Service. I suspend your commission for the remainder of our voyage. I will not try you, as I am not capable of judging you fairly. I have already concluded you should be hanged.” Dr. Uburu gasped; the Chief closed his eyes, shook his head.

“I will, however, recommend a court-martial on our return, and I will testify against you. For the remainder of our voyage you are forbidden to wear the Naval uniform or to associate with me or any officer. You will be moved to a passenger cabin at once. Get off my bridge!”

Vax’s face crumpled. He tried to speak, couldn’t, tried again. His huge, beefy fist pounded the side of his leg once, twice, three times as he fought for control. Then he took a deep breath. “Aye aye, sir,” he whispered. His face was ashen. He turned, marched to the hatch. Alexi slapped it open, and he was gone.

No one spoke or moved. “I am Captain here,” I grated.

“No one, not one of you, will ever disobey my order again.

Not now, not ever!” I studied their faces. “I should have hanged him for mutiny.” I walked among them, stopping in front of each. “I didn’t hang you either, Mr. Crossburn, for your refusal to do your duty. I won’t make the mistake again, with any of you. I warn you all.”

The silence was absolute.”We will maintain a three-officer watch at all times until our arrival home. You will all partici-

pate. Not you, Doctor, but everyone else. We are at war.

There will be no inattention to duty, no idle talk.” My lip curled. “No chess.” I studied them again. “Pilot, Mr.

Chantir, Mr. Tamarov, you have the watch. The rest of you are dismissed.”

I took their murmured “Aye aye, sir” in silence. The four off-duty officers filed out. I watched the Pilot and Lieutenant Chantir at their consoles for several minutes, before leaving the bridge.

I went to my cabin, sealed the hatch. Mechanically I took off my jacket, my shirt. I stripped off my pants. I stepped into the shower, stood under its hot spray for a quarter of an hour. After, I dried myself and sat on my bunk. I waited for the inevitable reaction.

My stomach churned. I ran to the head, reached it just in time. I vomited helplessly, again and again, heaving against nothing. I shuffled back to my bunk clutching my aching midriff.

When the alien had appeared in Telstar’scorridor I was utterly terrified. But whatever it might have done, facing it would have been easier than going on with my life.

29

I stayed in my cabin all that evening and into the next day.

I sent for my meals. When I ventured into the corridor it was only to stalk to the bridge. I stood my watch in absolute silence, then returned to my cabin.

On the second day I went with reluctance to the dining hall, because it was my duty. There was little conversation at my table; my haggard face discouraged anyone who might have tried to speak.

After dinner I walked the ship, past the wardroom, the lieutenants’ cabins, the bridge. I took the ladder down to Level 2. I strode with unvaried pace and frozen expression.

I passed the cabin to which Vax had been exiled. Passengers I met in the corridor stood aside.

I went down to Level 3, past the crew berths. Knots of crewmen were gathered in the corridors, talking softly. I ignored them. I went into their berths, looked about. I checked the crew exercise room, their lounge. In the engine room, the Chief stood stolidly at attention with his watch while I glanced around, then left.

I climbed up to Level 2. In the corridor young Cadet Fuentes came to attention. “Are we all right, sir? Did anything follow us?”

“Cadet, go to Lieutenant Tamarov for discipline.” My tone was harsh. “Don’t speak to the Captain unless he speaks to you!”

I knocked on the wardroom hatch. Derek opened. Paula Treadwell was lying in bed in her shorts, half asleep. Philip Tyre looked up from his bunk. Printouts of regulations were stacked on his blanket. I turned to leave and collided with Rafe Treadwell, just coming in. He jumped to attention. I ignored him.

I went back to Level 2, through the lock to the launch berth. Lieutenant Crossburn was carrying a seat onto the launch. He said nothing, his face grim. I turned on my heel and left.

I went to the infirmary. “I won’t be able to sleep tonight, Doctor. What will you give me?” I was brusque.

She looked at me a moment. “I’d prefer you tried to sleep first.”

“I don’t care what you’d prefer. Give me something.”

Still she hesitated. “Why can’t you sleep, Captain Seafort?”

“Because I’ll think.”

“About what?”

“You said this was a jinxed ship, Doctor. I’m the jinx. I didn’t make the revolt on Miningcamp, or create the life-form out there, but when things go wrong I ruin people. If I’d been a leader, Vax would have obeyed orders and he’d still have a career. Now I’ve destroyed him. And Philip, and Mr. Crossburn, and Alexi. And others. Give me the pill.”

She hesitated, then got it from the cabinet. She held it out.

“Don’t take it until you’re in your bed. And not before midnight.”

“All right.”

“Do you promise?”

I smiled sourly. “I promise.” I thrust the pill in my pocket and went back to my cabin.

I took off my jacket and tie and sat in my chair to wait out the evening. Below, Vax would be alone in his cabin; I closed my eyes and waited for the pain to abate. After a time I eyed my spacious quarters.

I hated this cabin. I hated the ship.

I wondered why the creature on Telstarhadn’t hurled one of its globs at me. Certainly Hiberniawould have been better served. I no longer had a reason to live. My career was shattered. I’d be separated by light-years from the woman I cherished. I had no friends. And, worst of all, I’d done it all to myself.

A knock. Annoyed at the interruption, I flung open the hatch. Chief McAndrews stood waiting. “What is it, Chief?”

“I need to talk to you privately, sir.”

“Not now. I don’t want to be bothered.”

“It’s important.”

The gall of the man. I was Captain. “Another time. Go below.”

“No.” He pushed past and shut the hatch behind him. I was stunned. He said quietly, “You can’t go on like this, Nick.”

Hope stirred. “You’ve come to relieve me?”

He raised his eyebrows. “No. I’ve come to talk sense into you.”

“This is mutiny! I’ll have you hanged!”

“You’ll do as you see fit.” His voice was stony. “When I’m done.” He shoved out a chair. “Sit.”

Numb, I sat. He pulled up another chair.

“You’re walking the ship like death warmed over, and it gives everyone the willies. Why?”

I looked to the deck. “Because I can’t stand how badly I do my job. Because I hate myself.”

“Why is that?”

“I’ve done my best and failed. I was friends with you, once. I ended that. I brutalized Alexi, the cadets, even Derek.

Instead of inspiring the men, I threaten to hang them. Sometimes I do it. I caused Sandy’s death along with all the others.

I savaged the Pilot and I destroyed Vax. Do you need more? I’m ruining Philip Tyre and Ardwell Crossburn. I broke up the Treadwell family for my own amusement. I killed three men in the gig because I was too stupid to circle Telstarbefore mooring to her hull. And the worst is, it will go on.

Either I fail my oath to Lord God, or I continue making things worse!” My eyes stung.

He asked, as if puzzled, “Why must you do that to yourself?”

“Do what?”

“Cast everything you do in the worst possible light. Why do you never give yourself credit?”

I waved it away, with contempt. “For what?”

“You intuited a glitch in Darla and saved us from catastrophe.

You took us to Hope Nation on course and on schedule without commissioned officers. You had the guts to carry out Captain Malstrom’s executions, and steadied the crew for the long haul.

You saved us all at Miningcamp. Can’t you see it?”

“I killed Sandy! I killed Mr. Howard and the others! Can’t you see that?”

He shouted, “No! No one can, except you!”

I recoiled in shocked silence.

“God damn it, Nicky, you’re as good a Captain as Hibernia ever had! What in the bloody hell is the matter with you?”

“I’m not! A Captain leads! Look at Justin Haag–no one would dream of questioning him. I have to bully everyone! That’s why they dislike me so.”

“Who?”

“Vax, for one. Ever since I brutalized him in the wardroom!”

“Vax would die for you,” he said quietly.

“He can’t feel that way!” A tear found its way down my cheek.

“They all do. Derek–you made a man out of him and he reveres you. You can’t imagine how strongly he feels. Alexi idolizes you. He’d follow you anywhere.”

“But look what I did to him!”

“You didn’t do that!” the Chief thundered. “Philip Tyre did!”

I recoiled from his anger. “Philip, then. I set him up, and delivered him into Alexi’s hands.”

“He deserves it. Alexi’s taking revenge. So?”

“I could have stopped Philip, won him over.”

His meaty fist slammed the table. “Nobody could stop him! That’s why he was sent to you!”

I stopped cold, realizing the truth of that. Doubt began to eat at the edges of my disgust.

“Ricky Fuentes,” the Chief said. “He talks of you with stars in his eyes. Paula and Rafe. What made them want to leave their parents to sign up, you idiot? Not the Navy. You!”

His vehemence took away my breath. I swallowed.

“Why must you be perfect, Nicky?”

“That’s why we’re here!” I saw our drab, worn kitchen, Bible open on the rickety table, while Father waited.

“Can you be perfect?” the Chief demanded, as if from a distance.

“No, but we have to try!”

“Is trying ever good enough?”

His voice faded. Father glowered. Sullenly, I glared back. No matter how hard I tried, I could never please him, because I wasn’t perfect. Only Lord God could be perfect; only Lord God could be good enough. No matter what I did I couldn’t win his approval. Yes, I could be good. I could be excellent.

I could never be perfect.

“It’s not fair!” I cried in anguish to Father. He slapped me; my head snapped to the side. But it wasn’t fair. Lord God couldn’t expect perfection, no matter what Father sought of me. My chest tightened in helpless frustration. If God couldn’t expect it, why must I? Father’s visage glimmered; I began at long last to comprehend. I demanded perfection because Father would accept no less. I sought proofs of my own imperfection, as Father must.

My eyes opened. I was in my cabin, with Chief McAndrews. Father wasn’t aboard. Unless I brought him with me.

I looked at the Chief. “But I can’t lead. Take Vax. He refused to obey a lawful order. I had to destroy him.”

“Why did he disobey?”

“Because he was foolish. He wanted to get us back aboard.

He risked everyone to save a few.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know!” I said, tormented. “If I knew I could have stopped him!”

“Because he loves you.”

My breath caught in a sob.

“He knew what he was doing.” The Chief was remorseless. “He was willing to give up his career for you.

Perhaps his life as well.”

“But why, after all I did to him?” The rag and polish in the launch berth; before that, the brutal icy showers.

“You saved him from being a Philip Tyre. You were the only one who could do that. He loves you for it.”

My hateful words on the bridge echoed. “Oh, God.”

“Stop torturing yourself, Nick.”

“I’ve fouled up so badly!”

“Because you weren’t perfect.” His words hung in the air.

After a long while I forced my gaze to meet his. I took a long breath. “Yes. Because I wasn’t perfect.”

“But you’re a good Captain.”

I tried a smile. It wavered. “Am I?”

I could banish Father. I had banished Mr. Tuak, hadn’t I? “Yes, you’re a good Captain.”

I would miss Father. Perhaps I could learn to live without him.”I shoved a man out the airlock once,” I said.

“I gutted a man once,” he answered.

“My God, what for?”

“I won’t tell you.”

We were silent. Finally I asked, “What do I do about Vax?”

“Decide that yourself.”

I sighed. “It’s lonely. It’s always been so lonely.”

He stood, took a step forward. His hands darted toward me, then drew back hesitantly. “I’m going to touch you,”

he said, for the first time unsure.

I nodded dumbly. He rested his big, powerful hands on my shoulders. He squeezed. I began to cry. After a while I stopped. He sat back in his chair.

“Do you think,” I said after a time, afraid of his response, “do you think perhaps, sometimes, you might want to sit with me again? With your smoking pipe?”

“If you wish, sir.” His voice was quiet.

“I would like that.”

“We’re mated, sir,” Alexi reported.

“Very well.” I swiveled my chair. “When do they come up?” “I’d expect them anytime, sir,” Mr. Chantir said. “We called last night, if you remember.” Now that we were in Hope Station system, I had radioed ahead to Orbit Station, requesting an emergency conference aboard ship with General Tho, Governor Williams, and Captain Forbee.