Текст книги "Loving the White Liar"

Автор книги: Kate Stewart

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Текущая страница: 16 (всего у книги 18 страниц)

I sat next to him in the chair, watching him closely for any movement. The raw ache in my chest pushed itself to the brink and I burst, laying my head on his bedside as I sobbed my apology.

“You don’t have to be anyone else, Jayden. I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry. I pushed you to do this. You. Are. Enough. Please, baby, be okay, just...just be okay.” I cracked wide open as my need for him poured out of me. “I can’t have summer without the sun, Jayden. I need you. Fight this shit and come back, okay? Please.” I cried until my eyes ran dry, ignoring the nurse who came in and tried to comfort me with soothing words as I repeated to Jayden over and over that I couldn’t have summer without the sun.

“Hey, fishnipple.”

Jayden’s voice woke me as I felt the stiffness in my back scream at me for my sleeping position. I snapped to in my chair and the realization of what happened came back in droves. My eyes shot up to Jayden and I saw he was studying me. His normally strong exterior looked fragile and he was slightly pale.

“I’m okay,” he said before I had a chance to speak. “But you look like shit.”

“Not funny,” I said, diving into his open arms.

“I was sleeping so good until you came in here blubbering,” he said, running his fingers through my hair.

“You heard me?”

“Yes.” I looked up at him as he smirked. “I was hoping for a good bedtime story or some sort of raunchy sexual confession, but of course you were totally boring.”

“Stop joking,” I scolded warmly. “I’ve never been so scared in my life.”

“I know. I heard that, too,” he said, pulling me close. “It happens every time I start the meds. I slept almost two days last time.”

“Why, Jayden? Why would you do that without talking to me?”

“Because I love you. Because I don’t want our life together to stop. Because if taking them meant I got to be your husband longer, it would be worth it.”

Before I got a chance to reply, Jayden pushed me away from him suddenly and leaned over the side of the bed to throw up. I ran to the door as the nurse met me there. “Okay, Mrs. Monroe, you may want to step outside until we can get this cleaned up. I shook my head as Jayden scolded me. “Go, Hil.” When I hesitated, he pushed out again, “Go.”

Reeling, I walked out into the waiting room expecting to find it empty. It was early morning and I assumed everyone had gone home. Mallory and my mother were tearfully chatting and Dr. Sawyer was texting on his phone.

“I’m so sorry. God, I didn’t even come back out to let you see him.” Mallory and my mother looked up at me and were immediately at my side as they took turns hugging me.

“I got to sneak in a bit after you fell asleep,” Mallory piped. “I know you weren’t in your right mind, honey.”

I looked to my mother, who seemed to have aged overnight. “He got sick when he woke up. They kicked me out. They are cleaning him up, but he’s okay.” My mother’s eyes welled up as I reassured her. She had lost her husband suddenly and I could feel her fear for me. “He’s okay, Mom. I’m okay.” After a few minutes of holding her to me, I gave her a mother’s errand.

“Mom, call Gerri and go home and get some sleep. I may need to call you over when Jayden and I get home.” My mother agreed and said her goodbyes to Mallory and Dr. Sawyer. She knew she needed sleep and I knew she needed a reason to get out of that hospital. It hurt me that it might have been too much for her.

“Mallory,” I addressed Jayden’s mother as my own retreated down the hall, “this is my fault. I pushed him too hard. Can you ever forgive me?”

Mallory took a long look at me. “I was the first woman to put him on medication.” She raised a brow at me. “This was an accident and completely unpredictable, and absolutely not your fault. I need you to look at me right now and tell me you believe me.” I looked up at her, not seeing my husband in any feature she had and at the same time feeling Jayden’s natural warmth emanating from her.

“Okay, I’ll try.”

“Good, now I’m going to go peek in on him. I would just love to see them try to kick me out,” she winked. I turned to Dr. Sawyer, who had waited patiently for his turn.

“I too hope you believe her. This was not your fault. It was Jayden’s decision.”

I sat down as the night caught up with me. “I screwed up.”

“And so did he, but not in the way you think he did. He realized he may need help and that’s a good thing. He wanted help to conserve and keep your relationship just as you wanted to and was willing to do whatever it took. There is nothing wrong with asking for help and Jayden had the best of intentions. I don’t want this to deter you from the medications—”

“I don’t want a zombie, I want my husband. No meds, not now, anyway,” I stated firmly. “If he doesn’t want them, I don’t, either.”

“And that’s why he deserves you,” he said gently.

“Thank you for coming, Dr. Sawyer.”

“Call me Darren,” he said with a wink. “Dr. Sawyer is way too formal.”

“Okay,” I said, thumbing my ring.

Darren gave me a once over. “You two are going to be all right. I hope you know that.”

“I know,” I said with certainty.

Darren’s full smile told me he believed me.

 

 

 

A day later, I watched a marathon of shows on TV LAND as Jayden slept. He was still extremely groggy and would only wake for a few hours at a time. I’d thrown out his medications the minute we got home. I was in complete and total agreement with no meds for the time being. I didn’t want to see any more drugged Jayden. I was convinced it would ruin me.

I had no idea how our life together would resume to normal after that scare, but was convinced that at long as Jayden was okay, it didn’t matter. I wasn’t sure if I could forgive myself for pushing him to the point of medicating because he thought he had to be someone else for me, someone better, more in control. No matter how much I was told I wasn’t to blame, I wasn’t sure that was the truth.

What I was sure of was that June and Ward Cleaver lived in a fantasy land of bullshit. They didn’t have real problems. Ricky and Lucy’s marriage was a farce because they didn’t even sleep in the same bed. And I was positive no one had ever heard of ADHD in Mayberry. I threw my box of Jr. Mints at the TV, cursing my long time TV companions as they mocked our world of real problems with issues they could solve in twenty-two minutes or less.

“Can’t sleep a day without you slobbing up the place,” Jayden joked in a dry voice as he joined me in the living room in his boxers with our comforter wrapped around him and his hair a complete disheveled mess.

“Sorry, I think it’s PMS,” I said, standing up to go clean up my mints.

“Leave it, babe. I was kidding,” he said, pulling me into his lap as he sat down.

“Ummm ...Hi, I’m Hilary, have you met my husband?” I smiled up at him. “He’s kind of a neat freak.”

“Trip’s got it,” he said, nodding over to our dog lapping up mints off the floor.

“Dogs are allergic to chocolate,” I said as I pulled out of Jayden’s grip and ran to pick up the rest of the candy. I was forced to pop Trip on the nose as he fought me for them.

When I’d battled him enough to take a majority away, I looked up to see Jayden smiling at me.

“Thirsty? Want some coffee?” He shook his head no as I cued up his iPod, put on some music, and began to light candles. I felt his eyes on me as I straightened the living room in Jayden’s ‘usual’ order, fluffing the pillows and turning them out the way he liked. He watched me get the room back in working order and I turned to him from the kitchen. “Hungry?”

“No, come here,” he ordered, clearly amused at my awareness of the way he ran his ship.

“What?” I asked, taking a seat next to him. He pulled me into his lap and placed his hands on either side of my face. I smiled at him shyly as he looked at me reverently.

“What?”

“You are incredible,” he declared as he ran his thumb over my lip, “and made just for me.”

“I don’t know about that, babe. I took a shot at making the chicken casserole and well...why don’t you reserve judgment until after you’ve tried it?” Jayden chuckled and I joined him. Running his fingers through my hair, he pulled me closer until our lips met. His gentle and needy kiss had my heart soaring.

“This is forever,” he whispered. “No matter how bad we beat the shit out of it. You and me, we are always.”

And in that moment I felt like I got my life back.

His thumbs slowly trailed over my cheeks as he commanded my attention. “I’ve been so busy obsessing that you were leaving, I wasn’t listening. I stared into our closet and saw the suitcase we bought for our honeymoon missing and went straight to the bathroom and took the pills. I just wanted you back. I didn’t give a fuck how it happened.”

“I was helping my mother. I wasn’t leaving. You promised you wouldn’t shut me out,” I said tearfully.

“I was passed out,” he said ruefully. “I’m sorry. In hindsight, it was the dumbest damned thing I’ve ever done. I just didn’t want to lose you.”

“I know why you did it,” I rasped out. “I’m just trying not to YELL AT YOU RIGHT NOW!” Jayden chuckled as my voice hit a high octave before I burst into his chest. “Don’t you ever do anything like that again,” I scolded. “I wouldn’t have survived it, do you hear me!”

“I think everyone on our floor heard you,” he said, looking down at me. “I won’t. I swear. I’ll do whatever it takes, Hilary...sessions with both of us. I want to be your husband, and I’ll never threaten us again.” I clung to him as he whispered to me over and over that I was his sun too, placing feathered kisses on my face and temple as he spoke.

I smiled tearfully up at him as his blue eyes gleamed with nothing but love for me. After a brief pause, he murmured “Thank you” as he looked at me in a way that had my chest aching, but in a good way.

“For what?” I asked, giving him a curious look.

“The possibilities are endless,” he whispered as his lips covered mine.

 

 

 

There is a saying or maybe a song that goes ‘you always hurt the ones you love’. But, to me, the part they left off is that those who survive those hurts may end up thriving together as a result.

You never know how much strength you have until you are forced to push through the impossible. You never know how dirty things can get until you’ve been in the trenches. And you can never imagine how much you can truly love someone until you’ve experienced those hurts together and shared the shovel in digging your way out of the dark.

I would love to tell you my relationship with my husband became easier to maintain, that we fought less, loved more, and didn’t sweat the small stuff, but that wouldn’t be the truth.

No, the truth is a much better story to tell.

And the truth was, we fought our way through the first few years of marriage, but we fought for each other. In hindsight, I look back on those first years as the best and the worst. It was as hard as Darren Sawyer had promised it would be, and still we fought. But we fought together always, with the same goal, and always to take on our common adversary. And with each year that passed us, we celebrated our victory, never losing focus and never letting the hard winter ruin our never-ending summer. I’d learned more about myself in my few years with Jayden than I could have ever had discovered on my own.

On this day, after two years of wedded summer, I looked over at my love as he talked incessantly to my sister, Sabrina, who for the first time in ten years was wearing her own hair. I laughed inwardly at the realization and looked over to Alexis to see if she was doing the same. But her eyes were busy darting between Owen and his adorable daughter.

Alexis and Owen had dated briefly a few years ago when they met at our apartment, but broke up when Owen had insisted he wanted more from Alexis and she’d insisted she had nothing to give. I could see the regret clear in her eyes as she watched his little girl parading through Mallory’s backyard. Alexis looked to me as I gave her a wink and a nod to go and talk to him. She shrugged her shoulders and took a long drink of her ‘special’ tea then made her way over to him.

Down the picnic table, I observed my brother Bradley as he bitched about the heat to Jayden’s Uncle Stephen. He had shown up in one of his hot shit suits and I thought the discomfort served him well.

Little sister Molly was busy chasing after Trip to get what I was sure was some foreign object out of his mouth. I laughed as Trip gave her hell once she had retrieved it. She looked up at me with utter disgust when he licked her face.

It was heaven.

We no longer just did brunch at my mothers, we did family day at Mallory’s as well. My mother and Mallory had grown close over the last two years and had even taken a trip to Vegas together. I thought it completely fitting somehow. They were living it up as independent ladies, and as far as I could see had no plans of slowing down. It warmed me to no end they were as close as Gerri and I, who was shushing her new husband at the end of the table.

Drew leaned in, seeming to enjoy her discomfort as he egged her on with his whispers. I gave him a knowing wink. Drew had ended up being Gerri’s perfect match. He drove her completely insane, but in a good way. Jayden and I often spent our weekends with them, playing cards and watching movies—my husband still being the homebody. At a time when I thought I’d lost my best friend by gaining a husband, I didn’t realize life was pushing Gerri toward her own.

Our friendship had never wavered in strength and never would. She was a snot cry friend and like I said, those are the most important, and the longest lasting. We were lifers she and I. And when I stood next to her on her wedding day, dressed to the nines in my maid of honor gown, and Gerri looked into her groom’s eyes, I knew that she had finally found a man who wouldn’t make her question his love, wouldn’t make her wonder where his loyalty lay. I watched Drew profess his love to my best friend without reservation and with his whole heart, and it only deepened my appreciation for the way things worked out.

Sometimes the things we are so sure of can suddenly turn into things we have to let go of in order to land on the road we were meant to travel.

In my case, I had a clear idea for years of exactly how I wanted things to happen and what type of man I would choose to let them happen with. My love and relationship with Jayden completely rearranged my order to a rewarding chaos.

“Make way,” Mallory barked with a hot pot of drained, low country boil as she threw the contents on the clothed table. Laid out before us was a seasoned and boiled buttery feast of sausage, corn, red potatoes, and crab legs. Uncle Stephen made an Indian call as a prayer as we all shouted “Amen” and dug in. I looked at my mom as she surveyed the table, much like I was looking at each of her children as she measured smiles. And when her eyes landed on mine, her own smile deepened. Our eyes connected, we gave each other a knowing nod before we returned our attention back to the rest of the party.

I was elbows deep in cracking crab and thinking about my honeymoon when I met my husband’s knowing eyes across the table. He seemed to be reliving the same memory as he gave me a slow, sweet, heated smile.

It was real. It was love. It was happiness. It was us, and for Jayden and I, that meant always.

 

Wiping my feet on our welcome mat, I walked through our front door of our new house completely exhausted. I fought Trip through the front door with my usual “chill out,” in a harsh whisper as I kicked off my heels and peaked into my bedroom knowing I would see Jayden fast asleep. I crept up to the bed and leaned in as I observed the little storm of destruction that clung to him. She was in a lone diaper with only one sock on and had her chubby hand fisted into his t-shirt as her thick check rested against him. She had her father’s dark brows and rich long lashes and looked completely edible. I fought the urge to take her from his chest just to have her near me. Jayden’s eyes opened slowly as I hovered and I apologized as a slow sweet smile appeared on his face.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, placing a slow kiss on his lips.

“No way, it’s date night,” he said, looking at the clock on our bedside table, “or it was.”

“Yeah, I had to solve a crisis. I’m sorry.”

He looked back at me and lifted his lip in a sneer. “You aren’t getting out of it.”

Mallory lifted her head, opening her deep blue eyes to look right at me with a tiny smile of recognition before it fell back to her father’s chest and she passed out again. Jayden and I chuckled as she let out a soft grunt in protest to us disturbing her slumber.

Our baby came into this world six months ago and became the most high maintenance child on the planet, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Put her to bed. I’ll go clean up,” he ordered, determined to salvage what time we had left.

“I just found Trip eating another diaper,” I told him as I lifted her to my chest.

“Good times, at least it wasn’t a shitty one…was it?” I kissed Jayden’s cheek and reared back after taking a whiff of him.

“You totally stink, go bathe, I’ve got this,” I said kissing Mallory’s full, soft cheek. Jayden gave me a small smile.

“Your OCD is slipping,” I joked as I walked into Mallory’s room and set her in her custom crib by Jay. Mallory lifted her head again as I held my breath before pushing her tiny diapered butt up and settling in. I traced the stenciled art work on the crib with my finger admiring my husband’s talent in both making beautiful babies and custom cribs. I took a step back to soak in the rest of the room. It was filled with brilliant color and it never failed to capture my attention. The wall above her crib was stenciled Beatles quote,

The rest of the room was a mix of Sergeant Pepper’s and The Magical Mystery Tour. When I told Jayden of our little girl’s pending arrival, he’d gone straight to work on making everything perfect. Secretly I knew he’d hoped for a boy, but when I put Mallory in his arms, the look on his face told me disappointment didn’t exist.

Our entire house was furnished with mostly Jayden’s art. After he had crafted me a custom rocking chair and delivered it to my baby shower in front of my guests, individual orders had come in left and right. Once Jayden had completed a catalog of baby furniture, the demand for it took him away from his uncle and kept him busy enough to turn our building in our backyard into a work shed. So when I wasn’t working, we took turns caring for our diva so we both could keep our dream job.

My phone buzzed and I walked quickly out of the room to answer. “Monroe PR, this is Hilary.”

“Boss, I know it’s date night, I know you told me not to call you for any reason but—”

“You’re fired,” I teased, making my way to the kitchen to pour some wine.

“Funny,” my assistant Denise huffed. “We got the gym account.”

“That’s great, love. Thanks for calling,” I said, knowing that information already.

“And the full chain,” she added. Freezing mid-uncork, I asked, “And chain?”

“All two thousand stores. They want a full set up and then individualized account for each with monthly maintenance. I just sent over a two year contract.” I sat down in a chair that didn’t exist and landed flat on my ass.

“Boss, you there?”

“I’m...what?”

I heard Denise cackle on the other end of the line, because that’s what Denise did, she cackled.

“We...we need ...” I was fumbling like an idiot as the numbers circulated in my head.

“More employees. I’m on it. At least four, right?”

“Denise,” I said in disbelief as my eyes watered.

“You did it,” she said with pride.

“Baby, why are you sitting on the floor?” Jayden asked as he entered the kitchen, freshly showered and staring at me with amusement.

“Boss, you there?”

“Yeah. Oh, God, we are going to have to—”

“Nothing,” Denise corrected. “That’s what you hired me for. Have a good time with the mister tonight, and come in late and sexed up tomorrow. I’ve got this. Night.” I held the phone in my hand and stared at it as Jayden hoisted me off of the floor.

I turned to Jayden with a smile. “Jayden, we did it. We got a chain,” I said with wide eyes.

Jayden pulled me to him in a hug. “That’s incredible,” he murmured. “You deserve this.”

“I can’t believe this is happening!”

“That’s what you said the day you quit the agency,” he reminded as he slipped off my fitted suit jacket. “And the day you told me you were pregnant,” he said, making quick work of my blouse. “And the day Mallory was born.” He chuckled. “And the day we signed on this house.”

I looked into the deep blue that held me captive. “I can’t believe this is our life.”

His eyes glittered as he looked me over with clear intent. “And now you are about to have massive sex hair.”

“Oh, yes, please,” I said as his mouth came down to mine. His tongue delved deeply as I opened up completely for him. In minutes, we were lost in each other as I lay half-naked on the island with my top off. Jayden started with the buttons on my slacks as I noticed Trip join us in the room, destroying one of Mallory’s toys.

“Jay,” I interrupted as he trailed a kiss down my stomach. “Jayden, Trip’s got Mallory’s toy.” Ignoring me, he made work of my belt as I pushed on his chest. “Jayden,” I interrupted harshly as his narrowed gaze met mine.

I pushed him away slightly as I watched Trip fighting the large plastic toy in his mouth and growling. I jumped off the island to wrestle him for it and when I reached down to grip it I realized what it was.

“It’s JT. He’s eating JT!” I heard Jayden start to howl with laughter behind me as I pulled hard on the bruised vibrator and scolded Jayden. “I thought you threw this out!”

“I threw it in a drawer. I know better than to mess with a woman’s toys. I have no idea how he got it,” he laughed as I battled the dog for the plastic mush between his teeth.

“Jayden help me get this away from him!”

“No way,” he said, hysterical. “This is the most excitement I’ve seen all day. My topless wife battling her dog for her vibrator...Do we have popcorn?”

“You won’t be seeing these tits for a year if you don’t help me!” Jayden, still laughing hysterically, thumped Trip on the nose, making him squeak and drop the vibrator on the floor. I snatched it away quickly and put it on the counter as my husband stood bent over with his hands on his knees, looking at me as he tried to maintain his composure.

“I can’t believe this is our life, either.” Another bout of laughter, this time coming from both of us, had us sitting on our couch minutes later with our fussy diva. “I’m setting up my office here tomorrow. I’m not missing another day of this,” I said as Mallory mouthed some gibberish.

“We miss you, but we’ve been okay,” Jayden said, grabbing her hand as she belted out her gibberish toward him.

“Not another day,” I said adamantly as my daughter drooled on my chest and gripped my hair.

“Okay,” he whispered, kissing her cheek.

Mallory began to fuss and Jayden picked up the box he’d proposed to me with from the coffee table and turned it over, pulling a plastic, circular, white tab. The Pina Colada song rang out and I looked up at him stunned. “It was always this way?”

“Yep,” he chuckled. “You never did let me tell you about the box.”

“The cheating song?” I asked as Mallory bounced in my lap as I pulled at the string again.

“No,” Jayden said as he pulled me to his chest and pulled on the string. “It’s the ‘all roads lead back to you’ song.”

We stayed up watching Cinderella and I couldn’t help but think of a time when I wasn’t sure if it was possible to have a happy ending with Jayden. As calm as our life seemed on this day, on any other given day all it lacked was one shoulder monkey and a Ferris wheel to make it a full blown circus.

Jayden still had ADHD, that would never change, and he remained unmedicated by choice, aside for a small short lived anxiety pill to help him when he was feeling anxious. He didn’t want to have outbursts in front of his daughter, and honestly that was what we were both most afraid of. All of our issues would never magically disappear, but seemed to diminish in strength the longer we stayed together. We got counseling from Dr. Sawyer when we needed it, but time had proven to be our greatest ally.

Sometimes I wondered if I would love him as much without his quirks and idiosyncrasies. I loved Jayden, therefore I loved ADHD, and that thought alone let me know I’d already gotten the best of my nemesis.

Jayden still had ADHD, Trip still had a knack for ruining our sexy times, and my daughter had a downright, royal attitude that was apparent the minute she was born. There was no rhyme or reason in our everyday life. We would continue to fight the odds for as long as we had breath in us. We had each other to battle for, and that had always been enough. But now that we were three, it made each day and each victory so much sweeter.

I looked over to Jayden, who was running his fingers through his daughter’s fine, auburn hair, and smiled. As much as our life had changed, and mostly for the better, things still remained the same.

I hoped to teach my daughter how to love unconditionally like my parents taught me. I prayed that she saw the beauty of her father’s quirks as she got older and kept her humor when he drove her up the wall with his protective shield. I prayed that if she was diagnosed with the disorder, that she could feel safe and comfortable in a world that may make her feel anything but. That she wouldn’t struggle as her father did to find his place and his peace, even if that peace meant only stolen moments.

A long time ago, worries like this threatened to ruin what I held so dearly: a life with my husband. Now I focused on the everyday, knowing the future would bring me a little of everything.

So instead of dwelling on the what ifs, I sat on my couch thankful for my white liar, our devious dog, and our demanding diva as we watched the mistreated princess get whisked away by a handsome prince and ate leftover chicken casserole because...that was our thing.

And that was more than I could have asked for.

And I hoped it would never end.

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