Текст книги "Loving the White Liar"

Автор книги: Kate Stewart

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Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 18 страниц)

 

 

Eight months after I became Mrs. Monroe, I reached a breaking point.

I was going through our credit card statement on the couch, readying myself to pay the bills to start my business.

No matter how much I could do on my own, there were a few things I needed and I had been saving for months. It was my last step in launching my new dream.

When I pulled up our online statement, I gasped. Taking several deep breaths, I carefully surveyed the damage to our savings account and then rechecked the balance of our credit card.

Anger shot through me in waves as I realized Jayden had in just one month drained our savings on simple and stupid purchases. I no longer had half of what I needed to start my company.

Livid and reeling, I slammed my laptop shut just as Jayden walked through the door. I didn’t give a damn about reading his mood. I didn’t give a damn about how best to broach him; I launched into a full blown attack.

“What the hell have you done?!” I confronted him as he looked at me in surprise before spouting off.

“What a greeting. Should we try this again?” he snapped as he attempted to walk past me.

“Hell no, you will talk to me right now,” I demanded, planting myself in front of him.

“Hilary, give me ten minutes,” he said, pushing me gently aside.

“You spent everything I was saving, and some of the house fund! What the hell were you thinking?”

“I was thinking we needed shit and so I charged it. You aren’t exactly innocent with your closet full of new clothes,” he countered as I jumped in front of him again.

“I spent a hundred, you spent almost a thousand! I don’t have enough money to launch! It will take me months to save!”

Jayden looked at me pensively before his jaw set in a hard line. “I’ll make it up. I’ll make it happen.”

“How? Just how will you do that, huh? All this work I’ve done, all this shit I’ve set up, I can’t pay for any of it!” My anger boiled over as I went on. “You can’t possibly help me make it up!”

“I asked for ten minutes.” He walked past me to the bedroom and I was hot on his heels. “Just what a man needs when he comes home sweating his ass off after a hard day,” he bitched as he walked toward the bedroom. Almost as an afterthought, he turned to slam the door to keep me out, not realizing I was behind him. The wood caught me in the face and the knees and I flew back, landing on my ass in the bathroom across the hall behind me. I screamed out in pain, holding my pulsing nose. Jayden opened the door and his eyes widened as he realized he’d hit me.

“You!” I screamed, completely incapable of holding back. Jayden’s eyes widened further as I held my hand to my face. “You are ruining my life!” Jayden came forward and snatched a washcloth from the towel rack and tilted my head up as he gently applied pressure. Snatching my head away, I threw the towel to the floor as I raged at the pain coursing through me and the betrayal I felt: that he didn’t care how hard I worked, that he didn’t care about how everything I’d done in the last few months was slipping away. Jayden, still intent on tending to my nose, ran to the kitchen, getting me an ice pack as I turned to look in the bathroom mirror. My nose was only slightly swollen and wasn’t even bleeding. Jayden rounded the corner, apologizing with each breath as he once again tilted my chin up, holding an ice pack to my face.

“Jesus, I didn’t know you were behind me,” he bit out, his face panic stricken.

“Do you know you ruined everything for me? Everything I worked for?” Jayden took a step back as I tore into him, still unable to hold back. “I wanted one thing for me. You knew how important this was for me. How could you be so careless?”

“I’ll fix it.”

“Lie,” I fired back, completely out of control even as I saw the hurt cross his features. “You ruined it!”

“I will fix it. I’ll get the money back. I’ll take care of it.”

“Another lie,” I said, fuming as the loss overcame me and I began to cry. “You hardly ever do what you say you will. You are nothing but a liar. No!” I snapped as he took a step toward me, remorse clear in his features.

“Stay the hell away from me,” I sobbed. “How am I supposed to forgive you for this?” Jayden stood looking at me, completely lost. “How am I supposed to forgive you? Answer me!”

“You aren’t,” he answered in a low voice. “Don’t.”

“What?” I asked, confused. I turned my attention away from my survey of my nose in the mirror to look back at him.

He slid down against the hall wall, putting his hands on his head.

“Jayden,” I said, knowing exactly what he was about to say. “It’s not happening.”

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

“Well, it’s going to happen. I was angry. I’m still angry,” I said, standing my ground. “But I’m sorry for what I said.”

“I know,” he said, pulling his sad blue eyes up to mine. Still covered in his workday, his clothes filthy, he looked edible and beautiful and completely destroyed by what I’d just said. “You deserve a guy who can give you things. Things I can’t afford.”

“Bullshit,” I said, taking the seat on the opposite wall.

“And a guy who won’t fuck up your dinner or your good mood by telling you he doesn’t like your dress.”

“I get over that shit, Jayden, stop it!” I looked to see his eyes fill with tears.

“You deserve more. Better than what I can do,” he said simply. “You have ambition and I... don’t. I have no desire to do anything more than what I’m doing right now. Can you honestly say that’s enough for you?”

“We’re married,” I pushed out.

“Maybe we shouldn’t be,” he whispered.

I clutched my chest as my heart shattered. “Don’t you dare,” I threatened.

“You kept your promise, baby, and I believe you always would if I let you, but I love you enough to realize, I may very well fuck up your life. Asking you to deal with this was selfish, and I told you that. I’m not ever going to be under control. I’m not ever going to be easy to deal with. I’m not ever going to be that man.”

“And I married you because you weren’t. It was a fight. We will have more.” I stood, no longer willing to listen to anymore of his nonsense. “I’ll just borrow against the house fund. We can save more money later.”

“Hil—” Jayden protested.

“I don’t want to hear it, whatever it is.”

“You deserve someone you aren’t afraid to have babies with.” He looked up at me as my face crumbled.

“You are afraid of me, no matter how much you try to hide it.”

“That’s not true,” I said, voice trembling. “It’s not.”

“It is,” he said as a lone tear fell down his cheek. “Because I’m afraid, too.”

“It’s not like you blow up every day, Jayden. It’s been so long since—”

“But it’s only been ten minutes since you have,” Jayden said as he ran his hands through his hair. “I brought that out of you with my shit.”

“I was hurt, angry. I’ve had to let go of a lot worse from you.”

“And you shouldn’t have to,” he said, resigned as he stood to look down at me. “Look at your face,” he groaned as his tears came down heavy. “The way you are looking at me.”

“Jayden, we’ll get through it. Don’t make this more than it is.”

“It is more, Hilary. I’m just stating the truth. You want to know what goes on inside my head? I’ll make it simple. I’m not going to be able to be the husband you need. I can’t hand you the things that you want. I’m not capable of a lot of the things other husbands can do. And I’m tired of feeling guilty about it.”

“Selfish,” I said as new hurt blossomed in my chest. “That’s selfish.”

Squaring my shoulders, I didn’t give myself time to think through my words. “You aren’t doing this. I won’t let you do this. I’ll fight you every step of the way.”

“Baby, listen—”

“No, you listen. If I don’t get to love you, who will? Are you going to go through your entire life letting women fall for you and push them away when things get hard for them? For you? How many women will you go through after me, and which one of them do you think could possibly love you more? Is this what you want for you? And what about me and the fact that I’m not myself when we aren’t together? That every single day I pride myself on loving you and on being your wife, regardless of the bullshit we face. You mean everything to me.” I pushed his chest.

“I can live without you, but I refuse to and you aren’t going to make the choice for me. What part of I do didn’t you understand?” I sobbed as I twisted my ring.

“I’m trying to understand. I’ve accepted you as you are, but I’m still allowed to be angry when I feel it, and sad and disappointed and all of those things. But they don’t amount to shit in comparison to how good we have it. We are worth it.” I looked at him and gave him pure honesty with my next words.

“I can forgive you for almost anything, but if you ever threaten ending us again, I will never forgive you that.” I made my way into the bedroom and closed the door behind me.

I would love to say we kissed and made up after that day, but the truth was we were arguing incessantly about money we didn’t have and bills we couldn’t afford to pay because of Jayden’s careless spending. I was spending more time on the web in an attempt to start my business than I was making my marriage a priority. I was starting to shy away from Jayden as well and he called me on it every chance he got. Things seemed bleak and it only added insult to injury that I hadn’t allowed him to touch me intimately in weeks. I was too busy mourning our former relationship to work on the one I was currently in. Words were said, promises were broken, and at one point he’d accused me of leaving him while I was still living with him.

“You may still have your clothes in the closet, Hilary, but you have one foot out of the door. I’m trying here. I can’t do it alone.” And he was right. I was withdrawing. And I was breaking my own heart and playing the hypocrite. I had told him never to threaten us with separation and there I was putting the space between us. The change was slow, but was becoming more and more present. Even with vows between us and all the love I felt, my heart was forming a sort of barricade. He was becoming less interested in my new business venture and I was having a hard time holding his attention. The tension was there, it was palpable and it felt very much like resentment.

And it was, on both our parts. As much as I wanted to, I was having a hard time forgiving him. Jayden’s resentment stemmed from the promise I’d made almost a year ago: my promise to never leave him. The distance between us was growing at an alarming rate and yet no part of me wanted to be away from him. No part of me was resigned to give up. Somehow, I’d become afraid of the carefree heart I so desperately needed to embrace and hold onto.

Staring into space at work, weeks after my blowup, I suddenly had an overwhelming urge for answers. I needed help and I needed it desperately. I picked up my purse and informed Marcy that I just needed a day. She seemed to understand and let me slip out of work quietly. I began to drive around aimlessly, trying to think of a way to get a piece of what Jayden and I had back. I loved him more than ever. Our life together was beautiful...until it wasn’t. I couldn’t understand how something so incredible could turn into something so damned hopeless. I still craved him like a drug...his smile, his embrace, his friendship. And I was also denying myself sexually as well as Jayden. I needed our connection back, and for some reason I couldn’t allow myself to believe in it. He was trying so hard, so why wasn’t I? I drove for an hour before stopping the car to let my emotion go. He hadn’t had another episode in months. I couldn’t understand the source of my unrest. I needed something...anything. An idea dawned on me and I quickly Googled the address.

 

 

“Dr. Sawyer?” An older, attractive but slightly frail man with gray hair at his temples turned to me as he fumbled with keys to his office door.

“Hilary?” His smile was warm and I returned it right before my face crumbled.

“Oh, no,” he said, quickly opening his office door and ushering me in.

“I’ve been hoping for the chance to meet you,” he said, rounding his mess of a desk to grab a tissue. And when I say mess, I mean the office was filled to the brim with books and scattered papers. I looked around me in utter shock he was able to function this way.

“I bet you are wondering how your husband makes it through a session without having a spell.” He smirked before sitting down behind a larger stack.

“That’s exactly what I was thinking,” I sniffed.

“He makes do. He’s gotten a lot better at ignoring it.” Dr. Sawyer studied me carefully as I got myself together. “You know as his therapist, I’m not really supposed to discuss Jayden’s case without his permission.

“I know,” I croaked. “I just...I was driving and I kept driving and then I Googled you and I came here.”

Well, that was pathetic.

“We can talk about you. Let’s do that. I have an appointment in an hour.” He sat back in his seat, smoothing down his tie. “Jayden’s told me a lot about you.”

“I’m sure you never thought I’d show up as a blubbering idiot at your door,” I offered sheepishly. “I’m just so lost. I don’t know how to help him.”

“I’m listening,” he said warmly. His demeanor was open and inviting. I could see why Jayden trusted him.

“When he first told me he had ADHD, I didn’t give it a second thought. I kind of ...” I paused, embarrassed at my confession, “waved it off like it was no big deal. God, what an idiot, right?”

“It’s absolutely common,” he encouraged, “go on.”

“I don’t want you to think that I didn’t care when he told me, or it didn’t matter. I just didn’t realize how much...”I looked up at him again, my eyes watering. “How hard this would be...I love him more than anything. I do.”

“Hilary, it’s common practice for those who do not live with ADHD or any other disorder not to have full knowledge of its effects, or even try to conceptualize what living with it is like. You would be surprised how many people walk into relationships with this type of disorder simply expecting a hyperactive personality who needs a learning curve.”

“That’s so not what I’ve been living with,” I said as fresh tears surfaced.

“No, it certainly isn’t,” he agreed. “But you are here and you care enough to seek out answers, so I’d say it’s a good step in the right direction.”

“I’m pulling away from him, he can feel it. I can’t deny it. I want to stop it.”

“Then you recognize the problem,” he said, offering me another tissue, which I accepted.

“I just want to be able to trust in us again, you know, without the worry of the rest of it. But more than that, I want to understand what he’s dealing with.”

He looked at me for a beat and then nodded. “I can’t exactly help you with the first part, but I would like to think I may be able to help with the second. Let me sum it up for you the way it was for me when I was first introduced.” He leaned forward and put his hand in a fist then knocked once on his desk.

Let’s pretend this is your world. He leaned forward again, making sure he had my attention, and knocked on his desk once.

“Now, let’s hear it in Jayden’s world.” He began knocking on the desk repeatedly.

“Your world and what you hear ...” He knocked only once. “Jayden’s world ...” Again he began to knock on the desk with the same emphasis but repeatedly.

I sat back in my chair, completely stunned. “That’s what it’s like for him?”

“In a way, his mind is constantly processing, racing with thoughts, and a constant changing of the channel. Imagine sitting in front of a TV where the channel clicks on a different station every ten seconds or so.”

“Jesus, that would drive me insane,” I said, looking at my ring.

“It’s not easy but it’s manageable with some coping skills and prescribed medications.”

“Jayden won’t take medication. I’m sure you know that.”

“I’m aware. Again, let’s talk about you.”

I shrugged my shoulders, feeling guilty as I sat at his doctor’s desk, reaching for answers I should be able to get from my husband.

“I feel guilty. I know I should ask him these questions. I should be able to, but he shuts down on me. He won’t even discuss it, really. He’ll clue me in on things from time to time. He’s always been open about having it, but it’s like now...I don’t know, when I ask him—”

“Do you ask him or do you confront him?” I sat back, still thumbing my ring and biting my lip.

“I consider myself even tempered. I’ve been upset with him at times and downright confrontational at other times when he lies to me.”

“Of course you have,” he said, doing his best to ease my nerves. He circled his desk before sitting down beside me. “It’s human nature. Men and women meet, fall in love, and get married. The first year of marriage will always take some adjustment, no matter how functional the couple may be. There is, more often than not, a slight struggle for power. In this day in age, it’s more common of a power struggle as to who will wear the pants. Give and take. It all takes some adjusting. You are still in the honeymoon phase where emotions run high, feelings are more easily hurt, and hurts are a lot harder to brush off due to the newness of the relationship. Throw in hormones, testosterone, the daily grind, bills, unforeseen problems and emergencies, and you have a whirlwind of new feelings to deal with. Now throw in the fact that one of the partners has ADHD where all of the above are more likely to occur, and you have a recipe for a very hard honeymoon phase.”

“Great, so we’re screwed.” I sighed, crossing my legs and shaking my head slowly.

“Are you?” He gave me an inquisitive look. “You seem like a smart girl, so I’m going to give you a choice here. I can give you the text book version or tough love.”

His new tone stunned me and I couldn’t help the nervous laughter that came out. “Give it to me tough, Dr. Sawyer.”

He stood immediately and began to write on a large dry erase board. He kept silent as I watched him write in large red letters.

– SOCIAL CUES

– HYPER FOCUS

– IMPULSE CONTROL

– RESTLESSNESS

– EXPLOSIVE TEMPERAMENT/SUDDEN OUTBURST OF EMOTION

– SOCIAL ANXIETY/FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN

Knowing a few of the terms because of my online reading, I was suddenly excited that I would have a more in depth explanation and not only that, from the man who had watched my husband grow up and had treated him since his diagnosis.

“I can’t thank you enough for this,” I said sincerely. He looked back at me and smiled before giving me a mock scowl. “Don’t thank me yet, this is tough love.”

I scowled back with humor. “Right.” But the truth was, I already felt better. Maybe just talking to someone was all I needed.

“Okay, so let’s start with some of the symptoms of ADHD. Loss of focus, or attention deficit, as aptly named, being the primary.”

“Honestly, it seems like the least of our issues. I’ve never really had a hard time with that. Some days he’s full of energy and can talk for hours without a breath, which can drive me up the wall, but most of the time it’s entertaining. He usually exhausts himself at work to spend himself enough so when he comes home he can sleep or enjoy down time with me. Even then he has to drink a bucket of coffee to be able to slow down. He does seem to have a hard time with remembering details I’ve told him repeatedly. Sometimes I know he couldn’t have possibly heard a word I said. I mean some of it’s a pain in the ass, but it’s not a deal breaker. He shocks me with the things he does remember and every once in a while leaves me stunned with how much he knows about things I don’t have a clue about. He’s extremely intelligent. That’s why it baffles me when he goes to the store and forgets why he was there in the first place and will have to call me to remind him, but it’s never really bothered me much.”

Dr. Sawyer smiled. “And he will continue to call you for the remainder of your marriage. This is one thing I want to make pointedly clear, especially without medication. All of the problems, or things you deem may be issues, including all of the same arguments you are having now, could likely be the very same arguments you will have...indefinitely.”

I sat, stunned. “Pardon?”

“It is very, very, likely that you will have the same arguments for as long as you are married.”

“I mean surely there is something we can do. I can text him a list every time he makes a store run, right? I mean, I can help him navigate in some way.”

“And that’s the way your partner needs you to think. Often times it’s the partner of ADHD’s—in this case your thinking—we must adjust in order to maintain the relationship. If you can deal with the fact that you will need to expect a call every time he goes to run what you think is a ‘simple’ errand, then you have already made progress. By suggesting a solution like simply helping him with a list, you are meeting him halfway.”

“So I need to change my line of thinking?”

“You need to choose your battles, and in a way, yes, your way of thinking. Then again, that is all dependent on what you are thinking. If the words ‘if he would simply change this, or I need him to fix’ are in your vocabulary, your frustration will only increase. What other’s would seem an acceptable number of allowances for their partners errors and inexcusable deeds you will need to multiply times a thousand and then a million and that’s the allowances you will need to endure in an ADHD relationship. Make no mistake, there is a huge difference between recognizing the disorder and putting up with your husband as an adult male. And by learning the signs of what is at play, you can navigate just how to react to any situation.”

I swallowed thickly. “In other words, sometimes he’s just going to be a man and give me shit.”

“Precisely. Cause and effect, knowing is half the battle. The good news is you are dealing with ADHD as a whole. This disorder and symptoms go hand and hand to make up the entirety of their personality. There is no sick ADHD and well ADHD. There is simply ADHD.

“And when you say ADHD, you mean Jayden.”

He continued without hesitation. “The reason for me saying this is because ADHD and bipolar disorder are commonly misdiagnosed, one for the other. Some ADHD behaviors reflect those who suffer from bipolar disorder, but they are two distinctly different disorders. Where bipolar disorder patients often have cyclic emotional highs and lows in episodes that last far longer, are more sporadic and can come on without warning, ADHD patients can experience the same range of emotions in a span of hours and days. Bipolar episodes often last for weeks or months. At any time on any day, depending on what may arise, ADHD patients’ reactions will fit the situation, and no matter the response, it is often short lived. ADHD outbursts are always a direct result of their reaction to the environment.”

I nodded, knowing that was the truth of the matter.

“Social anxiety and emotional outbursts, I’m sure you are familiar. These go hand and hand with what we’ve just discussed.”

I nodded. “I hate them. In all our time together, he’s only had a handful of scary outbursts. But it’s hard for me to get over them. They cut deep.”

“This can be the most detrimental challenge in your relationship. Some partners build up resentment over time, and I’m taking it that’s why you are here.”

“I’m worried one day I won’t be able to let it go.”

“If you want to stay married, and not just stay married but have an actual marriage, you have got to forgive and let go.”

I opened my mouth to speak then closed it.

“I know that’s easier said than done, Hilary. I can’t imagine how hard it must be, but you must see how deeply your partner hurts when remorse sets in. In the unfair world of chemical imbalance, I say indulge and embrace that aspect. Don’t delight in it, but use it as a comfort to you that when your partner’s hurt you, he’s hurt himself. It takes thick skin to be an ADHD partner. How you deal with it day to day, year to year, is entirely up to you.”

I nodded again, knowing the truth of that.

Dr. Sawyer looked at his watch. “Okay, so you may have noticed some of these particulars,” he continued, pointing once again at the board. “Social cues that we would normally take from others, facial expressions, body language, when to shut up, ADHD patients may never pick up on. This also can include saying something inappropriate—”

“Or lying,” I interrupted.

“Or interrupting people with a change in conversation topic.” Dr. Sawyer chuckled as he raised a brow to look back at me. “In what context is the lying being done?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes I’ll catch him exaggerating the truth to make himself look better, or to impress me. Or flat out lying about something I know isn’t true for the same purpose. It makes me feel...a little sick inside. It’s one of my hang ups with this and he sometimes puts me in the position to lie with or for him. And sometimes it seems like he does it to get out of trouble or avoid the truth, altogether. He doesn’t do it all the time.”

“So these lies aren’t harmful?” he questioned.

“Never, not really. It’s just...it makes me uncomfortable.”

“ADHD patients struggle every day to fit in; they struggle every single day for acceptance. It’s not uncommon for people with it to lie about simple things you may find trivial in order to fit in with a conversation. Lying to avoid disappointment is also common. ADHD sufferers don’t want to feel disliked or unwanted in any capacity, so in a way it’s a defense mechanism for him. They want love and acceptance, and not just by you, by the people who are important to you and to them and by complete strangers on the street. All of us want that same acceptance. It’s human nature, but with ADHD they need it even more. ADHD craves acceptance. They may lie to keep from disappointing you or others. It’s a constant struggle. In some cases they may inadvertently lie with every intention of making the statement true and not following through, making a statement a lie. I’m not trying to justify lying or tell you to simply accept it. I’m simply stating the fact for the case of those afflicted.”

I nodded as he continued. “Now, hyper focus is pretty self-explanatory. It’s an intense focus on whatever they may be working on or deem necessary and can even sometimes be related to you in some way. This can range anywhere from music, to a television show, to a subject matter, to a particular person. It’s the backbone of most of his repetitive behavior. You may notice a song he’s suddenly smitten with being played on repeat over and over, or certain behaviors—”

“Sex.” I chuckled, knowing I’d had more than one of those amazing days.

“Exactly.”

“I hope that doesn’t wane,” I said under my breath. Dr. Sawyer heard it but simply smiled as he looked at his board.

“Okay, now we get to impulse control or lack thereof. This can be dangerous on several levels. ADHD patients can randomly insult someone spur of the moment because they don’t always think their words through, or act impulsively, putting themselves in harm’s way, leading to physical hurt. This is one of the most dangerous aspects of ADHD. It can lead to serious issues and is one of the main reasons for medication. It can also result in other things you might deem spontaneous and fun but can actually be harmful in the long run. Impulse purchases you may not be able to afford they may deem necessary. A comment to a friend or family member that could lead to—”

“The bruises,” I said absently, getting the doctor’s attention. “He comes home with bruises a lot and his employer said he injures himself often. This is impulse?”

“Yes, and it’s also a clear indicator of our primary symptom: attention deficit. People with ADHD have a difficult time keeping focus at work, often leading to job loss or disciplinary issues.”

Dread coursed through my veins when I thought of how Jayden had repeatedly come home hurt. Mostly minor injuries, but alarming just the same.

“And this can only be treated with medication?”

“Yes, there is no cure for ADHD. They are at risk, like every other person who opts out of medication. Temper outburst, no matter how short lived, can lead to destructive behavior with real and possibly legal consequences. His impulse can get them physically hurt or cause severe problems in your marriage or with family and friends due to lack of control.”

“He refuses to even discuss meds,” I said, feeling my face pale.

“I understand this reasoning, and though I still won’t go into specifics, you have noticed the routine created.”

“Yes, everyday like clockwork. It never ends and he rarely strays from it.”

“It’s their way of coping, and so far it’s been extremely successful. A lot of people with ADHD are extremely disorganized and have a hard time pulling their weight around the house. In this case, putting a positive spin on his housework has eliminated some of the most problematic symptoms because he stays organized. Deterring from their routine can cause anxiety levels to rise and may lead to outbursts. This is where social anxiety, or being afraid of the unknown, can come into play.”

“This is so on point,” I said, exasperated. “To the point of OCD.”

Dr. Sawyer chuckled. “Choose your battles ...” He paused only briefly before adding, “Someone with ADHD has made a huge adjustment inviting you into their life; their world has completely changed as a result, the marriage a clear indicator that they want you a permanent part of that routine. And, to be completely honest, this is the part where it’s going to hurt you most.”

“Okay.” I looked up at him expectantly as he resumed his seat next to me. “Once you are completely integrated in their mind, you may have a tougher time getting attention on all levels: emotionally and physically, being heard. You may even feel neglected at times. There may be several times in your relationship when you feel like your wants and needs aren’t met and may be far from your partner’s priority. It’s not lack of love, it’s—”

“He’ll be used to me,” I said, completely deflated.

“Yes,” he agreed. “Your role as wife will remain, but may shift in importance, and you will probably have a really hard time with that.”