Текст книги "Loving the White Liar"
Автор книги: Kate Stewart
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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 18 страниц)
Four hours later, I was slightly hammered and swallowing mouthfuls of chips and dip as the guys around me held their liquor with grace. Even Jayden impressed me with his ability to handle his alcohol as if he’d been drinking casually. Face burning with alcohol and feeling like shit, I made a decision to go for a swim. It was still a little cool, but I knew that the water would relax me and the sudden noise level from the living room was becoming a headache. I excused myself and went to get into my suit. It took me five minutes to get it on as opposed to the typical two. Grabbing a towel, I walked into the living room only to hear the cat calls of the boys.
“Hot damn, Jayden. You lucky son of a bitch,” Jordan remarked as I wrapped the towel around myself.
“I’m out of here, fellas. You guys are too much for me. Make yourselves at home. No one is driving,” I scolded. I made it out the front door before Jayden gripped my wrist in the breezeway. “What the fuck are you doing?”
I looked up at Jayden’s who face was twisted in anger.
“I’m going for a swim. Chill out,” I said, yanking my hand away. “Have fun with your friends. I won’t stay gone long.”
“It’s fucking two o’clock in the morning, and you’re drunk,” he snapped.
“And,” I said with big eyes. “I used to do this all the time.”
“Get back inside. You’re being rude,” he said, his blue eyes commanding.
“How about you get back inside your impromptu party that I’ve entertained long enough. I’m going, deal with it.”
“Just had to parade your ass around in a bikini, huh?” he commented as I took my first step. I paused and turned back to glare at him.
“Jesus, Jayden, that was the last thing on my mind. I’m hot. I’m buzzed. I want the water.” I walked off, refusing to entertain his hissy fit further. I heard the door slam behind me and sighed. This wasn’t going to end well. But honestly, I didn’t give a shit. It seemed he could do whatever the hell suited him, and in the last few hours, I felt like everything I had done was all wrong.
The water was freezing, and at the same time refreshing. I managed to swim a few laps and spent the rest of my time wading in the water. I heard my phone go off and ignored it, sure I wouldn’t like the incoming call. I spent longer than necessary at the pool, avoiding Jayden and his unreasonable behavior. I was the one who was lied to, I was the one with hurt feelings, and eventually I was the one who realized I was freezing her ass off and suffering because of his actions.
With my newfound anger for the situation, I resolved to go to bed. I walked into a quieter party. Two of the guys were passed out on the floor while Jayden and Jordon battled it out on the Xbox. I walked into the hall closet, and pulled out spare pillows and blankets and set them on the couch.
“I’m off to bed. Goodnight.” Jayden glared at me out of the corner of his eye as Jordon gave me a polite but distracted goodnight. Sometime later, I felt the bed dip next to me and waited for Jayden’s arms to wrap around me.
They never came.
“Oh, Jesus,” I rasped, voice sore and head pounding the next morning. I reached out next to me and got nothing. Peeking up at the clock, I saw it was still early. I rolled over to go back to sleep when I heard the vacuum start. Deciding to give my bladder some much needed relief, I stumbled into the bathroom, emptying the last two Advil into my hand and cupping water to wash them down before taking care of business.
I looked up to see Jayden staring at me from the doorway before he eyed the empty bottle. “If the bottle’s empty, why not trash it? I’m not your maid.”
“Good morning to you too, dear husband,” I snapped sarcastically. He snatched the empty bottle from the sink and made his way back to his noisy chore.
No longer willing to deal with Jayden’s shit, I cornered the bathroom as he wrapped the cord around the vacuum.
“Is the house nice and tidy now? Is it safe to go back to bed? I mean, I know it’s only seven a.m. on Saturday and the day is wasting, but some of us like to sleep on our days off. Oh, and I’m almost sure you forgot to pick that stick out of your ass while you were cleaning,” I said as I hoisted a bottled water from the fridge and headed back to our bedroom. Knowing I had poked the bear and not giving a damn, I buried my head under the covers.
Jayden walked in minutes later carrying a laundry basket full of clothes and slamming the drawers as he put everything away.
“Jayden, give me a fucking break here. I’m trying to sleep off this tequila.”
More slamming followed with the slam of the bedroom door, which pushed my temper to its peak. I burst through the bedroom door, head screaming in pain as I let loose.
“You unbelievable bastard! What in the hell is wrong with you? So you got caught in a lie, wasn’t the first time! Get over yourself!”
Jayden stood to his full height, glaring at me. “Fine, you got me, and how about this: I didn’t want you to come ‘fishing’ with me and I never will. How about that? I want you to leave it the fuck alone, is that clear enough for you?”
Pain seared me as I looked at him, incredulous. “Crystal,” I bit out as my chest tightened.
“I don’t need you analyzing and judging me.”
“I would never do that to you,” I said, lowering my voice. “I just wanted you to trust me.”
“How about we start with the basics, like, oh, I don’t know, not parading around like some nineteen-year-old with your fucking junk hanging out in a room full of my friends, or taking off at odd hours by yourself where I have to worry about you?”
“Your jealously isn’t even cute. It’s not even endearing. It’s just sad,” I countered. “Grow up. I was well covered and I wanted to do laps.”
“Jealous is not the word I would use. How about disgusted?” And that was the hurt that snapped me.
“Disgusted by me? By my body?”
“No, Hilary, that’s not what...Fuck.”
I couldn’t hold back the tears that threatened. “I’m sorry you are so fucking ashamed of me, Jayden. Maybe I’d be a little more respectful if you weren’t lying with every breath you took.” As soon as the words exited my mouth, I regretted them, but stood my ground. “I got a raise yesterday and I didn’t tell you, and why? Because I discovered the man I love had been lying to me for a year. I couldn’t celebrate because I was too worried about you and your shit. I’m not the one with all this shit to deal with, it’s you. And if you want to be on your own with it, you shouldn’t have asked me into your life. I took our vows seriously. I meant them. I love you. But this, this bullshit you are pulling, it hurts. You are hurting me and purposefully because you won’t own it!”
I left the room and got back into bed, feeling no relief from the pain pills. My whole body shook with my silent cries as I replayed his ugly words. I heard Jayden call to Trip and the front door shut as I cried into my pillow, letting my sobs out. He couldn’t hear me. He’d just alienated me like he promised he wouldn’t. I wondered if he was even aware how much his words hurt.
I cried until sleep took me.
I woke when it was just becoming dark outside to music drifting from the living room. Mazzy Star was singing Fade into You as I emerged into the living room. Jayden was staring at the wall as I rounded the corner. When he sensed me standing there, he turned to look at me.
“I need you,” he said quickly. “Please don’t think I don’t. I need you with me, Hilary. I was wrong to lie and I’m sorry. I was wrong to shut you out and I’m sorry for that, too. For all of it, I’m sorry.” His voice was even, and without much emotion as he apologized. It confused me.
“Well, I’ll just take my disgusting self to shower. Are you hungry?” Damn it, why couldn’t I let it go?
Because his words hurt, that’s why. They hurt.
“You know I didn’t mean that,” he said, rubbing his foot against the coffee table.
“Whatever. It’s over, right? You said you were sorry and I just have to deal with it, right?” He looked at me in all seriousness and opened his mouth to speak and then closed it. I turned away, no longer able to bear the look in his eyes without going to him and went to shower.
I spent the night alone in our bed on the internet still searching for my dream career and coming up empty. I called Gerri who was busy with Drew and let her go before she could hear the weight of my tone. I spent an hour on the phone in a group text with my sisters, only getting sporadic responses then gave up. No matter who I reached out to, the closeness I craved was with the man who had decided to let me have my space. As much as I wanted to forgive him, and as sure as I was I would, I just couldn’t do it as easily this time.
It hurt, so I let it hurt, and I let him know it.
That night, in the late hours of morning, I felt the bed dip and this time the arms came, and I accepted them, hurt be damned.
Days later at work, I was finishing a reservation with the Donaldson’s when I got a delivery. Jayden and I were still on slightly shaky ground. He sent me a small spray of white roses with a lavender bow and a card that said I miss you. I knew what he meant and I felt the same. It was distance we were both feeling, no matter how small. I quickly texted him.
Me: I miss you too.
Jayden: Forgive me.
Me: I already have.
Jayden: I’m not breathing the same.
Me: Me either.
When I got home that day, I walked Trip and took a quick shower, determined to bridge the small gap we’d both created. We were newlyweds, we would fight, we would make up. This was what it was.
Jayden walked through the door, his day had clearly worn him out.
“Hi,” I said, approaching him and extending the olive branch.
“Hi, baby,” he said, taking a tentative step toward me. I wrapped my arms around him.
“I’m sweaty and I have sawdust all over me,” he offered, taking in my freshly showered form.
“I don’t care,” I said shakily, the desperation in my voice pulling his eyes to mine.
“Please tell me you know I didn’t mean it,” he said, pulling me tightly to him. “I hurt you and I hurt me. You are everything to me,” he whispered as I held him close. I nodded into his shoulder as he whispered another apology. “I worship you. You know that. I’m so proud to be your husband. I was jealous and an idiot.”
“Stop, Jayden, stop,” I said, pulling away to search his eyes. He nodded in understanding, because in the end we both knew it wouldn’t be the last time.
“Jayden!” I screeched from the couch as he was cooking.
“What?” he said, poking his head out and looking at me as if I’d grown another.
“I’ve found it!” I jumped off the couch, heading his way. His blue eyes followed me with question as I wrapped myself around him. “I’ve found my dream job.”
“Really?” he said with a smirk.
“Yep, and I’m not telling you. You’ll have to guess.” I turned away from him and started walking back to my laptop.
“Can I guess after I peel your burning dinner from the pan?” Rolling my eyes, I returned to my laptop.
After dinner and Jayden’s horrible attempt at guessing, I finally told him.
“So several months ago I realized our website at work was completely outdated. Marcy asked me to look into getting a new one designed and take over the social media accounts they had been neglecting,” I said, sipping on my wine. “So instead of hiring someone out to design it, I figured it out myself and started doing PR for the travel agency. In less than two months, their social network profile reached an amazing amount of new clients and we got more than twice the normal hits on our new interactive website than they had ever had. And the amazing thing is, is that I loved doing it.”
“You’re going into marketing?”
“Strictly marketing. I’m good at all things media. The possibilities are endless. I can promote and network for anyone from small businesses, big corporations, down to indie authors, and maybe even new faces in entertainment. I’ll do it for people who are too busy to set up and network for themselves. I can even help bring the last of the dinosaurs incapable of doing their own online PR into 2015. It’s not an original idea, but it’s profitable. There’s plenty of earning potential if I get a good client base. I’ve already started on a list of services. And the best part is I can totally do this and work from home and set my own hours, be my own boss. I can start it here at home and gradually build up until I can quit the agency!”
He sat and listened as I rattled on with excitement.
“So what do you think?”
“I say of course. Yes, do what makes you happy. I’m behind you one hundred percent.” I leapt from my seat and into his arms. “I found it, Jayden. I really want this. I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before!”
“And what will you call this venture?” he asked, snaking his arms around my waist.
“Monroe PR, of course,” I said, giving him a wink. His eyes lit up as he pulled my lips to his.
“What a great name.”
I kissed him back with a sigh. “The best.”
A week later, Jayden and I were racing down the highway as I attempted to put my face on. “Slow down, okay? I don’t want to die to be on time to a cocktail party.” I busied myself with mascara. Leisure Travel, specifically Marcy, was throwing a cocktail party at her home for employees. It was a semi-annual thing they threw just to let us know we were appreciated. In addition, they invited their best clients to showcase their newest travel packages and give them first dibs on the deep discounts that were offered exclusively to them. Jayden and I were running an hour late due to a late delivery.
“Babe, stop fucking with your makeup and give me the directions,” Jayden bit out, already irritated with the situation. I’d spent the last ten minutes explaining to him the importance of the party and who would be there. He continued to ask me over and over how long it would last and insisted we would look bad for being late and should skip it altogether. He was nervous and I could tell, but it was practically mandatory since I was one of only three employees and I had to at least make an appearance.
“I have only one eye with mascara. Just listen to the GPS, she’s sounding them off.”
When Jayden missed the exit, I stopped my wand. “Damn it, Jayden, you missed the exit. The next one is miles away!”
“I told you I needed you to help me!” he snapped.
“The GPS was doing a fine job. Now we are going to be really late!” I knew better than to get angry with him. In all honesty, I should have been ready when he got home, but I’d been digging through his closet to find something presentable for him to wear. I apparently needed to find my husband a decent suit.
Jayden bit out a curse and took the next exit, speeding through it and cutting cars off.
“I don’t even know any of these fucking people.”
“You know Adam. You can hang with him,” I offered, still busying myself with my makeup. “Jayden,” I addressed him calmly. “It’s fine. It’s a cocktail party. They are probably three drinks in already and won’t care one way or another if we are there. We’ll make it. Take your time.” When he sped up, I began to panic. “Jayden, slow down.” When he cut off another car and the driver on the receiving end came dangerously close to hitting us in retaliation, my panic increased.
“Not okay, Jayden. Chill out!” He ignored me, slamming on the gas once we entered the freeway, and that’s when I let go. “Damn it to hell, Jayden, stop this fucking truck right now!” I turned to him as he ignored me and screamed louder. “Now! Stop the truck now!”
Jayden pulled over to the side of the freeway, sweat pouring from his forehead. He grabbed his travel mug out of the console and slammed it against the steering wheel. I ducked as some of the stale liquid danced across the dash, spilling onto me and all over the console. When the mug split in two, he kept hitting the dash until it crumbled around his fingers. I jumped out of the car onto the shoulder of the highway and watched him with my heart pounding in my chest as cars whizzed by. It had been at least six months since his last outburst. We had been perfect...solid. I had slipped into the carefree zone again. I stood watching him, mouth open in shock as he surveyed the destroyed ‘immaculateness’ of his cabin. When he was exhausted, he leaned back in his seat, eyes closed.
When a few minutes had passed, I pushed up my figurative sleeves.
“Get over. I’ll drive,” I offered as calm as I could muster. Jay slowly opened his eyes and looked at me still standing on the shoulder of the highway, staring at him through my open door, my white satin skirt covered in coffee. The regret in his eyes was instant. “I’ll drive,” I insisted as he moved to the passenger seat without a word, looking completely exhausted.
I took a deep breath, fastened my seat belt then began the drive home. Jayden looked at me a few minutes into our drive, an apology on his lips as I voiced my disappointment. “We can’t even make it to a two hour cocktail party?” Sighing, Jayden sat back as I began to fume.
A few days later, I was sitting at the dinner table fidgeting with my food when Jayden called me on it.
“Babe, you aren’t eating,” he said, picking up his tea and taking a sip.
“I’m sorry, I’m distracted,” I said, quickly picking up my fork. He gave me a small smile.
“Isn’t that my job?” I looked into his deep blue eyes and beautiful face and made the decision.
I placed my fork beside my plate. “I want to talk about it. Please, Jayden.”
Jayden froze as I continued.
“It’s absolutely ridiculous to think you can shut...Shit.” I started over. “Jayden, I love you. I want to stay married. I want to be with you every day for the rest of my life. But this secrecy with what’s going on inside you has to stop. We have to deal with it together. I know you don’t want me anywhere near this and you think you can deal with this on your own, but it’s affecting me whether you want it to or not. You have got to let me in.”
“I know,” he whispered as he circled the top of his glass with his fingertip.
“Tell me why you don’t take meds.”
He sighed as he looked at me. “Because of the way they make me feel. Like I’m in some cloud that I can’t get out of. I fucking hate it. I was on them for so long, but when I was able to make my own decision, I stopped taking them.”
“So try different meds.”
“I have,” he said with a sigh. “Do you want me to list them in alphabetical order?”
I looked down at my full plate. “No. Okay, no meds.” Looking up at him, I went in. “Why won’t you let me go to your sessions?”
“Because it’s embarrassing for me. We talk about everything from mundane tasks I have to repeat over and over until I get it right to other things I just don’t want you to hear. My thought process is completely different than yours and I’m afraid what you hear will get lost in translation. I love you, but I don’t need to hear your every thought to do that.”
“Okay,” I swallowed. “Was that so hard?”
“Is that all?” he asked, stunned.
“For now,” I said, rounding the table to sit in his lap. Lacing my fingers behind his neck, I pulled him to me. I ran my hands through his hair. “You need a haircut.”
Jayden smiled as he palmed my chest. “I was thinking about growing it out, maybe getting blond highlights and a perm.”
“What the hell? No you aren’t!”
“Well, I mean, I want to be your dream man, baby,” he chuckled as he started humming. Recognizing his tune, realization dawned on me.
“You found my box of NSYNC.” I buried my head in my hands as he began to sing Bye Bye Bye at the top of his lungs while trying not to laugh hysterically.
“You know the words,” I declared sarcastically. “What does that say about you!” With a huff, I made my way to the bedroom and gasped when I opened the door. Every single inch of our room was decorated with my box of memorabilia. He had hung every single poster, pulled out every button, every t-shirt, and created a shrine in our bedroom of Justin Timberlake.
“You ass!” I said as he ran and tackled me onto the bed. His laughter rang loudly as I looked around us, completely embarrassed.
“Well, seems my baby has a closet full of her own secrets. I was searching for my appendage competition and stumbled upon this gem.”
“Your appendage compet—” My eyes widened. “My vibrator? What did you do with JT?!”
Jayden’s eyes got bigger and he let his head fall back as he roared with laughter once I admitted that yes, my vibrator was in fact named after said superstar that was currently surrounding us with eerie, toothy smiles. After a minute of full on, red faced embarrassment, I stared up at my husband who was still shaking his head as his chuckling slowed.
“Let’s just say JT is sleeping with the fishes,” he whispered, pulling on my bottom lip with his teeth.
I lifted my brow. “So you think you can beat his record?”
Jayden stilled my lip between his teeth as he asked around it. “How many?”
“Eight,” I said shamelessly. He let my lip pop out his mouth as he stared down at me.
“Oh, you are on,” he said before crushing his mouth to mine. When he pulled away, ready to make good on the competition, I stilled his busy head. “I love you, Jayden. All of you.”
Sensing my need for him to understand, he looked down at me. “I know.”
Over the next few months, we both stayed busy, me with work and the upcoming launch of Monroe PR. I’d launched myself headfirst into marketing and knew without a shadow of a doubt it was what I wanted to do. Whether or not I would be successful, only time would tell.
After what seemed like an excessive amount of endless workdays Jayden and I shared, we decided to take a weekend off to just be.
Jayden lay in the pool chair next to me, his iPod handy as I rubbed oil over my legs. I looked over to see him watching me intently.
“We just got out here,” I scolded as I read his thoughts.
“I don’t think my dick cares,” he said in a husky voice.
“I’m going to end up pregnant,” I muttered, rolling my eyes.
Jayden’s eyes strayed down to my stomach. He said nothing else as he put his buds in. I felt the small shift in his playful mood as I sat up and pulled his ear buds back out.
“I don’t like what just happened,” I said, giving him an inquisitive look.
“I just don’t think we need that now,” he said, grabbing my hand and squeezing it briefly before letting go.
“Me either, but I don’t like the way you clam up when I talk about having a baby. Like it’s not even a possibility.”
He sat up on his chair and faced me. “So when you want a baby, we’ll talk about it. Until then, let’s...not.”
He leaned over, kissed me, and then lay back on his chair, putting his buds back in. I understood his hesitation. I felt the same way, so I didn’t fight him on it. We weren’t ready.
We spent the weekend wrapped up in each other the way we had the summer before. We spent long hours loving each other and feasting. It was our thing; it was what we did.
And I hoped it would never change.
