Текст книги "Avoiding Commitment"

Автор книги: K. A. Linde

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Текущая страница: 26 (всего у книги 29 страниц)

Wrenching free from his touch, she stumbled across the room. She couldn’t believe how easily he overpowered her senses. Her heart was racing, but surprisingly not from the feel of his lips. She had never felt such anger over a kiss from Jack. He knew what he was doing and how she completely lacked composure around him. Except this time Lexi wasn’t going to let him win. She needed to talk to him and she needed answers.

“Who is going to happen to be there next time?” she spat at him, her eyes narrowing. “Stella happened to be there when you needed someone, but you could have easily called me and I would have come to you. I would have been there, but you didn’t want me there. You wanted to fuck something meaningless because you are too fucking afraid to let me in.”

“Lexi,” he interjected hoping to reason with her. He took another step forward nearly cornering her.

“Goddamnit, Jack! Don’t you take one more step towards me,” she yelled, her arms extending to push him away from her if necessary. “I need to have this conversation with you, not get lost in your stupid blue eyes.”

He smirked despite her seriousness. “Stupid blue eyes? I thought you liked them.”

Lexi glared. “Cut it out.”

“Fine. Sorry,” he mumbled.

They both stared at the floor not sure what the next course of action should be. Lexi felt numb from everything she had heard. Her body, which had already been aching from her run, hurt all over. She just wanted to cry, but at the same time, she felt as if she had no more tears left. Maybe if he had broken up with her, she could have cried. But not over this. She just hurt from this.

“Where do we go from here?” she asked him afraid of the answer.

“I was going to ask you the same thing.”

Lexi raised her head and stared at the man she had loved for close to four years. Could she give up everything over a one night stand? Was she really a hypocrite for being angry at him for sleeping with someone else? It’s not like they had set any boundaries, any rules. She had assumed that was a given. But then again, she had been on the other end of this scenario with his last two girlfriends. It only made sense for him not to know what the rules were, especially if he still had it in his mind that they weren’t officially together.

But that did not excuse how he was treating her.

“I think you should leave,” she finally said.

“I told you it was up to you whether or not we kept this going,” he mumbled crossing the room to the doorway.

“I didn’t say that I’d made a decision,” she said stopping him with his hand on the knob.

He turned around and looked at her wistfully. “You mean...”

“I mean you should get the fuck out, because I don’t want to see you for the next month or so, I’m so angry at you.” He hung his head. “But I doubt I’d ever make it a month after what we’ve been through.” His blue eyes looked up at her, hope apparent throughout the irises. “But I can’t look at you right now. I feel sick to my stomach at the sight of you. You don’t care about me, Jack. Or at least not enough to ignore a girl when she spreads her legs for you. I don’t know if that is enough for me. Don’t come back until you have something better to tell me.”

When Jack left her dorm, Lexi felt as if all the air had been sucked out of the room. She collapsed back against the couch and stared at the door he exited until her eyes stung from not blinking enough. What had she done? What had he made her do? How could he force her hand in such a way? So many questions ran through her mind. She didn’t know which to focus on first.

What she did know was that he had hurt her...he had hurt her worse than ever before.

And she had meant what she said. She couldn’t look at him right now without hurting. She felt betrayed because of him sleeping with Stella, but she was just as angry with herself. When he had given her a chance for them to be together, she had been scared and thought it would be safer to try it out without an official title. Look how that had back fired in her face.

She had made up her mind a long time ago that Jack was the only man for her. If they had gotten through this far, then they could make it through anything. But he had been with Stella, when he had known he could have her. What kind of guy does that?

She shook her head. She had been in that exact position on a number of occasions with Clark. She knew how easy it could be to escape with Jack when she couldn’t be around Clark. As wrong as she knew it was, she hadn’t been able to stop herself. She had always thought that desperation came from wanting Jack. Perhaps he had always done it because he enjoyed the cloak and dagger effect of hiding and running away from his life with her.

Was that all she had been for all those years?

She couldn’t be sure.

Lexi wasn’t sure how many hours had passed as she sat rooted to her place on the sofa. Claire and Elizabeth moseyed in at some point chatting about how amazingly wild Chyna’s party had been. They attempted to coax a response out of her, but she sat like a statue as they carried on about their night. Rachelle eventually resurfaced and, after seeing the blank look on Lexi’s face, ushered the others out of the living room. Lexi didn’t even have a smile for her, though she did appreciate the gesture. She did not, however, appreciate Rachelle’s own efforts to find out what had happened between her and Jack. Lexi just glared at her as she rattled off outrageous scenarios.

“Get the fuck out of here, Ray,” she growled speaking for the first time.

“This isn’t healthy. I wasn’t sure if you even could speak. If you won’t speak to me, I’m calling Chyna and getting her over here. Maybe she can talk some sense into you,” she grumbled stomping into Lexi’s room.

Lexi didn’t even have the energy to stop her. What did it matter if Chyna came over? That wasn’t bringing Jack back to her and if it did, it wasn’t going to take back what had happened last night. She continued staring forward at the TV which, at some point, had been switched on to a terrible Soap Opera. She didn’t recognize what was going on and after a couple minutes all the colors began to blur together. She knew her roommates were talking about her in the other room, but she couldn’t concentrate enough to make out what they were saying. It didn’t matter anyway.

“Oh, honey,” Chyna cried as soon as she burst through the door. She rushed across the room and sat on the couch next to Lexi. “What happened to you?” Lexi felt her wrap her arms around her and squeeze. She let her, but it still didn’t matter. “How long has she been like this?” Chyna anxiously questioned glancing over the couch at her worried roommates.

Claire shrugged and glanced towards Rachelle who answered, “I’m not sure. Jack left around eleven. I heard the door slam. I guess since then.”

“Eleven in the morning?” she screeched. “And you’re just calling me now? Why it’s nearly six o’clock.”

That surprised Lexi. She hadn’t realized she had been here that long...an hour at the most. Where had the time gone? Had Jack called? She didn’t ask any of these questions, just remained seated staring blankly ahead.

“Sorry,” Rachelle mumbled. The other two girls didn’t even respond, just huddled behind their friend. “I didn’t know what was going on with her.”

“Whatever,” Chyna stated dismissively. “Alexa, hey, look at me.” Chyna gently turned her head to face her. Lexi’s brown eyes were blank and bloodshot as if she had been crying, but every other indication was vacant. “What happened?” Lexi stared at her friend. “It’s okay. You can tell me if you want, but you don’t have to.”

Lexi could tell she was worried. Chyna’s voice was cracking with concern. She had never seen Lexi this way. That’s because Lexi had never felt this way. She felt comatose, as if she no longer needed anything to sustain her body. She could stare off into open space indefinitely and nothing else would matter. Maybe nothing else did matter.

“Chica, can you even hear me?” Lexi hadn’t noticed that she had still been talking. What was so important? She wanted to drift away...far away from this time and place. “Alexa, wake up. What has gotten into you?” she asked shaking her shoulders gently. She felt her head loll back and forth as her neck lost control of keeping her head upright. She still didn’t make a move to speak up. Chyna looked to be near to tears and there was nothing Lexi could or would do about it. She wanted to be left alone. “I just...I don’t know what to do with her,” she murmured standing and speaking to Lexi’s roommates. “What could have happened to her?”

Chyna jumped backwards as a knock sounded from the front door. Rachelle crossed the room swiftly and gasped as it swung open.

“You son of a bitch,” Chyna cried stalking across the space. “What the hell did you do to her, Jack?”

“I...Lex,” he murmured softly glancing around Chyna at Lexi’s near statuesque form.

Lexi glanced up for the first time feeling as if she had been awakened from a dream. She hadn’t expected to ever hear her name uttered by his voice ever again. “Jack.”

He attempted to enter the apartment, but Chyna blocked his way. “How dare you think you can walk back into her life like this! She’s been sitting like a completely unresponsive rock for the past seven hours because of you...and you think...”

“Chyna, cut it out,” Lexi commanded her voice weak but controlled. “Let him in.”

“Are you sure?” Chyna asked biting down on her lip. It looked like the last thing she wanted to do in the whole wide world.

“Yes.” That settled it and she moved away letting him enter the dorm. Rachelle shut the door behind him and quickly made her, Claire, and Elizabeth very busy. Chyna stood by ostensibly, ready to pounce at any second in the event that he hurt her friend again. Lexi sighed. “I’m alright, Chyna. You can go. I know you’re supposed to be meeting with Frederick today. He hates when you’re late.”

“He can deal,” she grumbled not budging.

“Go. I won’t have him angry with me. I’ll call you if I need you.” Chyna looked anxious about the situation but, eventually, nodded and left.

Lexi noticed how bad she ached all over for the first time since that morning. She had never fixed her dehydration problem and every muscle in her body was crying out from thirst. Her eyelids were heavy and pink lips chapped. Her back ached from sitting ramrod straight for seven hours. Most of all, her heart hurt terribly. She had closed off her emotions when he had walked out the door, but now with him standing in front of her, it all came back in a wave. Her heart was tearing, breaking, being shred to pieces, and it was unlike anything she had ever experienced. She wanted to gasp out in pain, but she kept her mouth closed and held in her aches. Jack had come here for a reason, and she wanted to know what that reason was.

“You said if I had something more to talk to you about...anything better that I should come back,” he told her speaking quietly as he sat next to her on the couch.

“It took you seven hours to think of something good enough to say to me?” she whispered, her voice raspy.

“Please, Lex,” he pleaded his blue eyes boring into her.

“Go ahead.”

Jack took a deep breath before speaking. “I’ve always been the kind of person who believed that I’d never find someone I wanted to commit to. That after all the shit I went through with my parents’ divorce, I’d never want to be with someone indefinitely. I’d never see another person as anything more than a divorce waiting to happen. I pushed every person I’ve ever been with away from me, and for what?

“I did it, because I was scared. I did it, because I was selfish. I wanted everything and really all I was doing was accepting nothing. And you…you, my dear,” he said his hands reaching for her cheek but dropping before he reached her. “I hurt you more than all of them. I lied, cheated, and took you for granted. You were it for me, and I managed to even fuck that up.

“I fuck up, because I don’t know how to do anything else. I’m worthless. I’m less than worthless. I should never have been in a relationship in the first place. If anyone had known what I was capable of, they would have run. But you knew and you stuck by me. You put up with me even when you had no reason to. I know I’m terrible at showing it but I do love you. I want you to know that you have my heart. You always have and you always will.”

“Jack, how can you say that to me?” Lexi asked fighting back tears.

“Because it’s the truth,” he murmured.

“But you’ve never been able to show that to me.”

“I might be able to.” Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. Jack’s hand went to his pocket and dug around for a second before retrieving a tiny black box. Lexi gasped as her eyes took on the shape of a jewelry box.

“What...what’s in there?” she asked her voice shaking. Her eyes were wide with wonder and a hint of fear.

He cracked the box open revealing an exquisite princess cut diamond with a string of matching diamonds on either side. The band was pure white gold. It had an old timey feel to it, but Lexi had never laid her eyes on a more beautiful ring. “This was what I was going to give to you to prove that you have my heart.”

Lexi hand flew to her mouth in shock. She couldn’t help shaking her head in disbelief. No. Not now. Not after everything. She couldn’t drag her eyes away from the amazing diamond.

“No,” she murmured.

He nodded picking the ring up out of the box and twirling it around between his fingers. “I know I don’t deserve you, Lex.”

“No,” she muttered again.

“I know,” he said nodding. “This was my grandma’s ring. My mom gave it to me over my brothers, because she knew that I would choose someone who really mattered to me, not just the first person who came along.”

“Jack, please, just stop.”

He seemed to ignore her. “Now I wasn’t planning to show this to you, but,” he looked up from the ring into her wide-eyed brown orbs, “this was meant for you. Only you.”

“No.”

“But either way, that was what I had to tell you to show you my heart,” he whispered.

“How could you do this now?” she murmured, tears forming in her eyes even though she had told herself over and over that she wouldn’t cry.

“It was the only thing I could think of,” he said snapping the box shut and stuffing it hastily back in his pocket.

“What does this mean?” she couldn’t help asking.

“I took a job in Atlanta. I won’t be a burden on you any longer. I can see what I did to you, what I continue to do to you, and I won’t let that continue to happen. I fucked everything up by sleeping with Stella, and I know that. I’ll never forgive myself, and I don’t exactly expect you to forgive me.”

“Atlanta?” she asked her voice coming out strangled. “I thought you got turned down.”

“The man that I interviewed with last night suggested me to a friend and as long as I’m in Atlanta by tomorrow night I have the job. It was a last minute kind of thing,” he told her.

“All of this was for nothing?”

“No, it made me realize what I did to you. And I’m not going to do it again. So this is good-bye. I’ll try not to bother you again. I love you, Lex,” he said planting a sweet kiss on her lips.

She could barely function right now. He was leaving her after all. They weren’t going to be able to get through this. Even though she thought they would be able to work it out, they would never be given the chance. And as she watched him walk out her door, she truly knew that she would never ever hear from him again.

CHAPTER 23

PRESENT

Lexi slipped inside Ramsey’s town house carefully positioning herself where he couldn’t get a look at her back. She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth wincing at the extreme tenderness. Ramsey glanced in her direction, and she instantly moved to cover her throat with her hair. No need for him to ask questions. It would really just be an unnecessary hassle. And, in either case, it wasn’t something she could explain.

She stood by the stairs and waited for him to go first. She followed behind closely ducking into the guest bedroom where he stood against the doorframe.

“I’ll get you something to sleep in,” he told her a smile playing across his features.

“Uh…thanks,” she stated awkwardly turning to face him in the doorway. She liked the smile he was sending her way. It was very…sincere. He looked as if he genuinely did not want to be any place else in the world at that moment. He would be content standing in the doorway staring into her face for eternity. He wasn’t even pressuring her to feel anything more, just to look at him. And, man, was he attractive.

Lexi’s stomach twisted at the thought. She did not want to be thinking these types of thoughts around Ramsey. He disoriented her in a completely different manner than she was used to. Jack tilted her completely off balance. She couldn’t think…she could hardly breathe around him. It was as if her orbit shifted around him.

With Ramsey she could feel a sense of equality about their movements as if the world was in the right place again. He revolved around her, and she matched his movements. It was a completely new experience. And also terribly frightening to know that she could have such a connection to someone she had just met…to someone she hadn’t even particularly liked up until tonight. She couldn’t think about that right now. Tonight, of all nights, she needed to keep her wits about her.

She stood motionless in the doorway as Ramsey fetched her clothes. She couldn’t help thinking about the events of the night and how they had unraveled.

The sex was never supposed to happen. She just wasn’t capable of controlling her actions around him. Turning Jack down was the hardest thing she ever tried to do. No matter how many times they had fucked up together, she never found it easier to break free from him. There was always Jack. Even after the crazy sex and horrible things he had said to her, she couldn’t think about giving him up. He had told her that none of it mattered, and it didn’t change anything.

How could none of it matter?

How could the sex not alter his decision in the slightest?

Lexi couldn’t wrap her mind around that concept. Sure she had been sleeping with Jack for years, but it’s not like the sex never mattered. She had held out on him for a year a half, granted they hadn’t been together the whole time. No, they had never been together. He had made that perfectly clear when he walked out that door…when he ran.

Her face darkened at the painful memory. She typically kept it under lock and key where no one could access it. But with everything that had gone on tonight, she couldn’t hold it together. Her jaw was clenched tight and her eyes had the remembered look of agony. All she wanted to do was keep from crying until Ramsey brought her something to change into.

Just then he walked around the corner and down the hall. Lexi quickly recovered hoping that her expression was as neutral as possible, but she could see that he wasn’t fooled.

“Thanks,” she muttered yanking the clothes out of his hand and slamming the door quickly.

Lexi smacked her head back against the door instantly regretting her actions. Reaching her hand back to touch her head, she found a small knot forming where it had been knocked against concrete. As if her problems weren’t enough, now every bump and bruise would remind her of Jack. Great!

She groaned as she forced her body to stand back up. Hugging her arms tightly around her body, she moved in front of the full-length mirror pinned against the wall. Lexi gently pulled down the side zipper on her now ruined dress. The silky material slid off her narrow hips and pooled at her feet. She unclasped her black, strappy, high heels and kicked them off. Her strapless bra followed. Lexi turned from side to side examining the damage. She could see little bruised indentions in her thighs where Jack’s hands had held her up. Her lip was turning a slight shade of purple, but her neck wasn’t quite as bad as she had anticipated. Her back was scratched, but not red and puffy like before. In the dim lighting, the rest of her body looked nearly normal.

This allowed a small smile to cross her face. Their indiscretions wouldn’t be as noticeable as she thought. Her aches were at a minimum, and she would be as fit as ever in a couple days.

The smile dropped off her face and the tears began to well in her eyes. She allowed them to flow freely down her cheeks, cursing herself for feeling the emotions she was encountering.

This might be her last reminder of Jack.

He had said that he still needed time to think, but didn’t she, of all people, know better? Jack didn’t think. He acted. He did exactly what he wanted when he wanted to, and since he had done that with her, he had received everything he had endeavored towards.

She collapsed, naked, in a heap to the floor. Her hair cascaded around her face. She felt something wet on her knees and she realized, suddenly, that it was tears. Lexi swiped at her eyes. She glanced up into the mirror and recognized the trail of black flowing down her cheeks. She vigorously scrubbed the mascara tears away leaving her cheeks raw and splotchy.

Her head tilted to the side as she stared onwards at her reflection. She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear once out of habit. The movement reassured her, and she did it again until the curly strands were maintained neatly behind her ears. It was the least she could do to keep from crying again.

This was the last time she ever wanted to cry for Jack Howard.

Her head snapped to the side at the sound of the door creaking open. Ramsey stood silhouetted in the doorway in nothing but a snug pair of maroon boxer briefs. For a second as she stared at him, she lost all thought of being naked sitting on the floor. He looked so delectable. She had never seen him with his shirt off, and damn was her first impression right. He certainly had to have a personal trainer.

“Oh, sorry,” he said his eyes sliding down her near naked form. She could tell he wasn’t sorry, and she was too broken and dazed to say otherwise.

“Did you need something?” she asked, her voice cracking with the effort to keep from crying.

“I was coming to check on you.”

For once, he kept his distance. Lexi let her head drop wishing she could erase this entire night. She had been stupid to think that she could be a part of Jack’s life. And in that moment, she felt more used than she ever had in her life. Even if that hadn’t been Jack’s original intention, after he left her standing there bruised and broken, she couldn’t help but feel that he had used her. And she wasn’t even sure what had fueled such anger from him. The sex was amazing, but there was an undertone of hostility in his movements. Not to mention his abrupt goodbye. When he said that it didn’t change things, she was really more afraid that he meant it.

“Is there something I can do?” he whispered into the darkness.

She shook her head back and forth. All she needed was to be alone.

“Are you sure?” he asked taking a few tentative steps into the room.

“I’m fine,” she murmured. It wasn’t believable though. She was naked sitting in a crumpled heap on his floor looking as if she had been crying.

She glanced back up and met his worried gaze. “You don’t look fine.” He took another step forward.

“Thanks,” she muttered sarcastically.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant…” he trailed off.

“I know what you meant.”

He cleared the space between them in a quick stride and squatted in front of her. “Please let me make it better. I hate seeing you this way,” he whispered reaching out to her.

“Then don’t look at me,” she said pulling herself away from his touch.

“I can’t help but look at you.”

“Yes, you can.”

“No, I can’t,” he said leaning in closer. “You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

“Beauty is only skin deep,” she quipped not letting herself get suckered into his sweet talk.

“Not on you.”

“You don’t even know me.”

“And you don’t know me. Yet, we’ve gone on two dates and we’ve kissed. I know you feel something for me. You just don’t know what it is yet,” he told her sitting next to her on the floor.

Lexi shook her head. “You’re right. I don’t know you, and I don’t know what I feel.”

“Then let me show you,” he said leaning forward and capturing her lips in his own.

Lexi groaned deep in her throat wondering how she had gotten herself into this mess. Here she was going back and forth between two guys. This, being here right now, was so wrong.

Misreading her groan, Ramsey took this as encouragement and deepened the kiss. He let his tongue slide into her mouth and flick against her tongue. His hands buried themselves into her thick mass of curls pulling her face closer to his. She couldn’t stay unresponsive as he expertly maneuvered against her mouth. It was as if some kissing instinct had awakened in her, and she tilted her head giving him a better angle.

Her mind was so frazzled from the events of the night, but still she knew this was wrong. “Ramsey,” she muttered against his lips.

As soon as it came out of her mouth, she knew he would take it as further encouragement. His name had come out breathy and seductive when she had been going for questioning.

“Mmm,” he moaned against her lips, letting one hand trail down her neck, across her slight shoulder, and gently grazed the side of her breast, before resting strongly on her waistline. She couldn’t keep her breath from hitching as his large hands staked a claim on her body.

She knew she should stop him from continuing. Her mind went into overdrive as she thought about how wrong her actions were in that moment. But before she could even push him away, he snuck his arm up under her legs and effortlessly hoisted her into the air. The sweet taste of peppermint lingered on the tip of her tongue as she broke away from him.

He carried her to the foot of the bed and gently laid her back against the soft down comforter. She was distinctly aware of her nakedness as she stretched out across the bed. There was so little clothing between them leaving her in a very precarious position. From her angle, she could see the bulge in his boxer briefs growing at the sight of her. She couldn’t help but smile at his reaction. Of course, she knew it was the wrong reaction. All she seemed to be doing was sending him wrong signals, but she couldn’t help it. Very few women wouldn’t have smiled at that moment.

His hands moved forward and clutched onto her hip bones. Then he dipped his head down and began kissing upwards from her navel. Slowly but surely he moved around her belly button, up between the curves of her breasts, to the base of her neck, across her jaw line, and then, finally, back to her lips. She felt him press against her as he coaxed a reaction out of her tender lips. His hands roamed her body taking in every curve of her skin. She could feel him urging her on, aching for her body. He interlaced their fingers and pressed her arms above her head leaving her completely vulnerable. He began a slow grind against her, never letting up on his amazing kisses.

Ramsey left her hands above her head and began to roam lower and lower until his fingers were feather light against her inner thighs. “Ramsey, I…” she got out before he was kissing her again. His gentle hands began making circle motions against the sensitive skin, trailing closer to her most sensitive area.

Fire alarms were going off in her head at his advances, and she knew she needed to stop. In fact, she really wanted to stop. After everything she had been through tonight, she could not add this to the list of stupid things for the evening. She pushed against his chiseled chest, but she might as well have been pushing on a brick wall for all he noticed. One finger moved closer and pressed against her opening. He didn’t do anything more than rest there, but she was already wet with anticipation…an anticipation that she would never let come to fruition.

She turned her head to pull away from his demanding kisses. “Stop,” she whispered lacking the conviction she felt.

“What did you say?” he asked expertly inserting two fingers deep inside of her without allowing her enough time to answer. She couldn’t believe how amazing this felt, and it was just the foreplay. She needed to stop or she was going to regret her actions.

“I said stop,” she murmured attempting to wiggle away from him, but he had his other hand locked securely against her hip preventing her from moving.

“But you like it. You’re enjoying it.”

“No,” she said shaking her head as her lower half convulsed with pleasure.

“Your body is telling me otherwise and I haven’t even gone any farther.”

“You can’t…go any…farther,” she gasped out.

He sighed letting his head fall forward but halting his movements inside of her. His hot breath gave away his already heated desire for her. “Are you sure?” he asked wiggling his fingers playfully.

She gasped. “Yes…”

“You want me to stop?”

“Yes.”

He sighed against her, heavier this time, but extracted his hand from her lower extremities. He rolled over and laid next to her, his chest heaving up and down with the effort of following her orders. She could tell he was expelling a good deal of exertion keeping himself from her, when he was already hard and ready for her.

Lexi hopped up off the bed and shimmied back into her ruined dress forgetting that Ramsey had given her new, clean clothes to change into. “I have to get out of here,” she said reaching for the door.

“What?” he cried hopping off the bed in surprise. “You just got here.”

“I know, but I have to leave.”

“Don’t go. I won’t do anything else,” he pleaded with her, meeting her at the door.

“This isn’t about you,” she muttered wrenching the door open.

“Then, it’s about Jack,” he said catching her off guard.

She stumbled catching herself on the door frame. “It doesn’t matter what it’s about. I just have to leave.”

“Where are you going to go?’

“I’ll figure it out,” she said walking out of the room, through the hallway, and down the stairs. She could feel him following her, but she didn’t look backwards.

“You shouldn’t go running off in the middle of the night.”