Текст книги "Only You"

Автор книги: Stephanie Rose

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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

Evan: Hey Daisy, you okay? Why are you so quiet lately?

Me: I’m busy. I don’t have free time to text all day anymore.

Evan: How are you feeling?

Me. Same as the last ten times you asked me. Fine. I’m in a meeting right now. I’ll get back to you later.

Evan: Yeah fine I’m sure. We’re talking later. I’ll be home early.

I was a nasty bitch. I snapped at Evan and rushed him off the phone. I sent short texts in response to the messages he sent hours later. I missed him so fucking much, and each day I put more and more distance between us. It’d been a week since our last time together. He would climb into bed thinking I was asleep, and I’d stay stiff as a board—when all I wanted to do was turn around and bury my head in his chest.

I was doing my damnedest to lose myself in the online banner I was designing when the lock clicked on my front door. My heart thudded in my ears. The moment I’d been dreading was finally here.

I didn’t look away from the computer screen as Evan walked in and sat next to me at my kitchen table. I could feel the anger and frustration radiating from him. As it turned out, I wasn’t such a bad actress after all.

“Paige. Could you fucking look at me when I’m in the same room? I know it’s too hard to text me anymore.” I slowly lifted my eyes and met Evan’s angry gaze. “What’s going on? Why are you being like this? Is it because of the long hours? I’m trying to find someone else to help manage the jobs but until then . . .”

“No, it’s not that. You’re not the only one who’s busy. I’m trying to concentrate during the day, so sorry if I can’t text you all day long.” I rolled my eyes for effect.

Evan let out a long sigh and shook his head. “You used to love it. You used to run up to greet me when I walked in, not sit there without looking up. You’re always busy, but never short and distant like this. Daisy, come on. Talk to me. Are you feeling okay? Did you eat today?” Evan leaned toward me to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear, but I jerked back.

“Fine. Jesus Christ. Look, I think we need a break. I have too much going on right now and I need to focus.”

“A break? Paige, where is this coming from? I love you . . . we love each other, we’ve been together almost a year. Why all of a sudden is it going too fast—”

“It just is, I need to be by myself now. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.” I took in a deep breath and shoved my quivering hands between my legs under the table.

Evan leaned back and narrowed his eyes at me. “I don’t buy that, Paige. I’m sorry. What the hell is really going on?”

“You’re smothering me. I need to be on my own for a while. I need your key back and you need to leave.” Evan winced at my lie. He brought his fist to his mouth as his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. He laughed humorlessly and turned to me. Maybe I could have kept him just a little longer, but it was harder and harder to hide how sick I was. The hard glare in his eyes and the tic in his jaw confirmed I’d accomplished what I set out to do. I was dying inside, but it was the only way.

“Smothering you. Do you know how much I worry about you all goddamn day? How fucking scared I’ve been all these months you’ve been sick? So sorry if loving you got on your nerves.” He shot up from his seat and dug his keys out of his back pocket.

“You want your key back? Here!” Evan threw my key on the table so hard it bounced to the floor. I’d been upset over past relationships before, but nothing had ever been as painful as this moment. That was because what we had was real, and I just destroyed it. There was a gaping hole in my chest. When Evan walked out of my door tonight, even though he wouldn’t know it, he would be taking my heart with him.

I put my head down and made my way over to the door, unlocked it and held it open. Evan huffed behind me.

“Wow. Okay I won’t waste any more of your time. If space is what you want, space is what you’ll get. All the fucking space you need.” Evan stormed to the door, then stopped under the threshold. He scowled at me as our eyes met.

“So, you don’t love me, Paige. Just say it. You don’t love me.” I looked away, and tried my best to look irritated and bothered rather than devastated. My broken heart wreaked havoc on my insides. Evan needed to walk out before I disintegrated in front of him.

Everything in me wanted to hold him, say I didn’t mean it, pull him back into my bed and never let him go. But then what? He’s stuck taking care of a sick girl who probably couldn’t give him anything but more heartbreak. This was awful, but better now than later.

“Fine.” Evan spit the word at me as his chest heaved. “Enjoy your space. Good-bye, Paige.”

He slammed the door behind him and I finally let myself crumble to the floor. I sobbed so hard I gasped for air. I crawled over to my couch and watched out my front window at Evan holding on to the door of his truck to catch his breath. He looked the way I felt, as though he just lost the most important part of himself. He banged his hand against the roof before he got in and sped away so fast his tires screeched.

In time he’d see. I did it for him.

Life without Paige became routine fairly quickly. Wake up at three o’clock in the morning, head to the gym to work my body to the point I couldn’t feel anything anymore, go into work and check on job sites, head home and drink enough to pass out.

It’d been almost a week, and I still couldn’t make any sense of it. I was so pissed off I could barely see straight. Maybe I was smothering her and that pushed her away. I still worried about her, and I still loved her so damn much. I struggled to breathe every time I thought of her. I read over her note in my wallet so many times her handwriting faded.

Not seeing her at all was killing me, and as angry as I was, I kept trying to figure out a way to stay in her life. But there was no such thing as halfway with Paige. She was more than just my girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend as the case was now. She was my best friend, the first person I wanted to speak to every day, and the one who knew me better than I knew myself. Life without my Daisy was unbearable; when she left she took all the beauty in my life with her.

A light knocking at the door brought me out of my wallowing.

“Can I come in?” Ellie asked as she wheeled little Jack into the office. Jessica was out for the day, and Ellie paused for a moment before setting the brake on the stroller and sitting in her husband’s old chair.

“Little odd being here. I keep expecting him to walk through the door.”

“Yeah, me too.” I stood to give Ellie a kiss on the cheek and steal a peek at my sleeping godson. The godson I shared with Paige.

“I hope I didn’t bother you . . .”

“Ellie, stop. You’d never bother me. I’m sorry I haven’t been over to see you guys. I’m trying to keep up around here.” I sat in my chair and leaned back. Ellie nodded.

“Paige said you guys broke up.” Ellie frowned as she crossed her legs.

“Apparently, I was smothering her, and she needed space.” I huffed and shook my head.

Ellie let out a deep sigh. “Well, apparently, she needs space from everyone. She rushes me off the phone, and Aunt Tess is ready to break down her door. She told Tess she’s been out working long hours, but I don’t think she’s going in to the office at all. Every time I’ve driven past her apartment, her car is there. She always goes in to the city on Thursdays and I know she was home last week. I think something is very wrong, Evan.” Jack stirred in his carriage and Ellie quickly rocked him back to sleep. “Last time I went over to Paige’s apartment, she had a medicine cabinet full of pill bottles. I was looking for a band aid and didn’t mean to snoop. Did you know if she was taking anything?”

I shook my head. “Other than the medicine for her throat, her birth control, and Advil—no not that I know of. Did you ask her?” Pills? Paige didn’t say a damn thing about any new medicine.

“Yes, but she just blew me off and ushered me out the door. I don’t think she just has a weak immune system. She’s lying to all of us. I think Paige is really sick, and I think her pulling away from everyone means it’s becoming harder for her to hide it.”

Ice ran through my veins as my hands shook. Jack asked me to take care of Paige, and a few short months after his death I’d already completely fucked up.

Ellie rubbed the back of her neck and looked at the ceiling. “I have a theory.” Ellie bit her lip and looked away.

“Ellie, spit it out.” She still wouldn’t turn around, so I shot up and whirled her chair towards me.

“Ellie, what’s your theory?” She looked down for a moment, and then met my gaze with watery eyes.

“Cancer runs in families, Evan.” My heart fell to my stomach as the room spun. My biggest fear was always Paige following Jack. No, this couldn’t be happening. Panic seeped into my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I was dizzy as I staggered back to my chair.

Now it all made sense. Why she was so passionate that last night and why she sobbed after we made love. From that moment on, she wasn’t the same. I let her push me away when she needed me the most. And now I was losing her. Really losing her.

“I need to see her.” I stood and felt my pockets for my keys. Ellie rushed over to me and grabbed my wrist as I started towards the door.

“She won’t let you in. We need to think of another way to coax her out of hiding.”

I picked up my phone and started a text to Paige.

Me: I need a couple of flyers designed. Can you still do them for me?

“Paige wouldn’t stop doing work for me. I’ll make her come in here.”

Ellie nodded. “No she wouldn’t, if for no other reason than for Jack. But how will you get her to come in?”

My phone buzzed with her reply.

Paige: Sure I can. Email me what you need and I’ll send it right back to you.

Me: I may need an ad and a few other things, too. Can you come in this week?

Come on, Daisy. Take the bait.

Paige: OK. I’ll come in on Friday. Noon good?

Me: Noon is perfect. Thank you.

“She’ll be here on Friday.” That was two fucking days away. I threw my phone down on my desk and put my face in my hands. How would I stop myself from climbing the walls until Friday, and how was I going to check on her?

“Ellie, can you still call her every day? At least if she blows you off we know she’s okay enough to speak.”

Ellie raised her eyebrows. “I’m just as worried as you. She can rush me off the phone all she wants, but I won’t stop calling her.” She smiled and shook her head. “The one person who could get through to her, isn’t here anymore. You and I have to work extra hard. We can’t let either of them down.”

“I’m so fucking mad at her, but I miss her so much, Ellie. This past week has been torture, and all this time she’s been sick and alone and hiding from us . . .”

“It breaks my heart. I miss her, too.” Ellie’s voice drifted off as she ran her hand back and forth over the desk.

“Whatever game she’s playing ends now. On Friday, I’ll finally find out the truth.” I only prayed the truth didn’t mean I was about to lose her for good.

I was a complete and total fucking mess.

I snapped at everyone who worked for me and spent the last two days texting back and forth with Ellie to learn if she had any news on Paige. It killed me that I couldn’t drive over there, park my ass on her stoop, and make her talk to me. She was the most important person in my life, and she completely shut me out. Me, and her entire family. That wasn’t Paige. All the Taylors were tight. For Paige to withdraw like this, whatever was going on had to be bad. My imagination ran wild with possibilities. I didn’t know the initial signs or symptoms of leukemia. I’d been living in Philadelphia when Jack called me from the doctor’s office parking lot the day of his diagnosis. After he dropped the bomb on me, the only thing he asked me was ‘I can count on you, right?’ I told him ‘always’ and he ended the call.

I’m sorry, Jack. So fucking sorry.

“Ev, Paige just got here.” Jessica grabbed her bag and came over to my desk. “I’m going to the bank now to make the deposit, in case you guys need some privacy.”

I nodded at her. “Thanks, Jess. How . . . does she look okay?” My stomach sank when she grimaced in reply.

“I’ll be back in a bit.” The clicking of Jessica’s heels faded and she said something to Paige before she headed out the door. I raked my hands over my scalp and braced myself.

“Hey.” I lifted my head to look at the woman I loved, now just a shell of herself. It’d been a little over two weeks since I stormed out of her apartment, yet I hardly recognized her.

Paige’s face was pale and gaunt. Her eyes were sunken and rimmed with dark circles. She looked as though she hadn’t slept or eaten in God knew how long. How could this happen so fast? How did I not notice? I knew she was sick, and had the bad feeling it was something serious, but I figured she would tell me if she found out she was really ill. We were partners in everything; why did she cut me off like this?

“Thanks for coming in.” Paige nodded at me as she made her way into the office and took her laptop out of the bag. She made sure to keep her gaze on anything else in the room but me. The office was so quiet, her shallow and labored breaths were so loud they were distracting.

She moved around as if she were in some kind of daze. It seemed to be a struggle for her to stand upright. Her hands shook as she typed on the keyboard and showed me the flyers she designed.

“I can make more if you want. You should be able to take the files on the flash drive to print at Kinko’s. If you want to make this an ad, I just have to resize it before you send it along to the pub.” Her voice quivered as she spoke, as if being in my presence was killing her.

“No this is great, Da–, Paige. Thank you.” She winced as if she’d been smacked across the face at my slip. This wasn’t a woman who didn’t love me, and needed time alone. The pull between us was as powerful as always. I gazed at the woman I loved more than life, who was now a sick and timid girl afraid to get too close to me. Whatever her real issue was, it wasn’t that I was smothering her. She needed me, I could feel it, but was holding herself back.

“Anything you need, just let me know.”

“So you can still be my designer, just not be with me anymore. Why, Paige? Why are you doing this?”

She let out a long sigh and ran her fingers through her hair. “I told you why. Please, let’s not have this same discussion again.”

I folded my arms and leaned back on my desk as I glared at her. “And I think you’re completely full of shit. Something is going on that you don’t want me to know about. That’s why you pushed me away.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed her by the nape of her neck and crashed my lips against hers. She stiffened as she pushed against my chest to let her go, but then went limp in my arms. Paige clutched the back of my head as she moaned into my mouth. My body craved her so badly it shook. We broke apart panting, but I wouldn’t let go. I grabbed her face and pressed my forehead against hers.

“Come back to me. Whatever it is, we can handle it together. Please, Daisy. I love you. I miss you so fucking much. Let me take care of you.”

Tears flowed down her face as her jaw trembled. Everything I felt was reflected in her eyes—the anguish, the frustration, and the need. How the hell did we get here? When did we go from lovers and best friends to the strangers we were today?

“I’m sorry. I can’t. That was a mistake.” She turned to leave but I grabbed her upper arms to make her face me. It chilled me to the bone how thin and frail she felt under my fingertips.

“Can’t what? I can tell how sick you are; you look awful. When was the last time you ate something? I know something is wrong. I’m not the idiot you’re hoping I am.”

Paige grimaced as she pushed me away. “Awful . . . wow, thanks. Look, I can’t stay here. Text me if you need anything else.”

“Shit, Paige. I didn’t mean it that way. You’re the most beautiful woman in the world. That will never change. But I know something is wrong. Why can’t you just tell me?” She shoved her computer away as she rushed for the door. I grabbed her wrist and we locked eyes right before Jessica came back into the office.

“Sorry, I can come back and give you guys some—”

“No,” Paige tried to stifle a coughing fit but had to hold onto the edge of the desk until it stopped. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand as she sped across my tiny office. Her jog slowed down to a pronounced limp. Jesus, she couldn’t even run away from me like she wanted. Her body was that fucking weak. “I was just leaving. Bye, Evan.” Her eyes came back to mine for a moment but quickly darted away.

“Bye, Daisy.” She staggered a minute as she turned to glare at me. She could squirm out of my hold as much as she wanted. That was my way of telling Paige that she was still mine. And I wasn’t giving up.

By some miracle I was able to drive with my hands shaking and still see the road well enough through my tears to get home. I should’ve never gone to see him. It was all still too raw. When Evan kissed me, I almost couldn’t take it. Having him so close to me, his body pressed up against mine and trembling in my arms, it was too much.

My lips were still swollen from our brief but voracious kiss. I almost told him, but was happy I stopped myself. Well, happy wasn’t the word I would use. The short period I’d been away from Evan had been miserable. I missed him so much; how he looked at me, how he always gave me everything—his love, his attention. Life without him was unbearable.

Every joint in my body was yelling at me, and my chest and ribs ached from coughing so much. The warmth of the summer sun beat down on me through my window, but I was headed to bed. What else was there to do?

Loud banging on my door made me jump. My bell rang over and over again. I was way too tired to deal with Evan again. I barely had the strength the first time.

“Paige Alexandria, so help me, I will call your landlord and have him break this fucking door down.” My side window shook as my mother pounded on that, too. I’d been able to avoid her for the past couple of weeks by saying I was working odd hours and too tired to stop over. I made up an excuse last week why I couldn’t go to a family dinner at my aunt and uncle’s, but since then my mother hadn’t stopped. She called constantly, all day long. I kept trying to buy myself more time. My mother always caught up to me, no matter what. She was a force I couldn’t fight, even when I was healthy.

“Coming!” I lumbered over to the door, wiping the wetness off my face. I could hear Jack laughing at me. I was the world’s shittiest liar. I never cheated on a test, never called in sick to work if I really wasn’t, or stole anything. Keeping lupus a secret from everyone in my family for this long was impressive according to my track record.

I barely got the door open before my mother pushed her way through it. Ellie followed her in, pursing her lips at me.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of this lovely visit, Mother?” I plopped down on the couch and folded my arms.

My mother’s nostrils flared as she glowered at me. Even Ellie huffed and shook her head.

“Don’t get smart with me. What the hell is going on? You’re skin and bones, don’t leave the house anymore, not even for work, and you pulled away from everyone. Evan called Ellie after you left his office today. He’s a wreck over you. That boy loves you and you tossed him away like garbage. You haven’t seen your godson in weeks, and I get a five minute phone call that ends with you rushing me off the phone. I’m going to ask you once. Are you sick, on drugs or what?”

My brow furrowed as I glared at my mother. “No, Mom. I’m not on drugs. How could you even think that?”

“Paige, it crossed my mind a couple of times, too.” My head jerked in Ellie’s direction and she shrugged. “You haven’t been you in a very long time. It’s been gradual, but I’d say over the past couple of months you made a total one-eighty. We’re your family. We love you. Evan loves you. Just please . . . tell us. You don’t just have a weak immune system, do you?”

I rubbed my eyes. I couldn’t run anymore. I didn’t want to worry my family, but didn’t want them to think I was acting this way on purpose.

“I have lupus. I’ve known since my first appointment with Dr. Stephens. I have sores down my throat that have gotten so bad I can’t eat without it being painful. My joints are on fire, even with the new pain medicine. I have fluid in my lungs so I’m seeing a pulmonologist, and now Dr. Stephens has found issues with my kidneys. I was told not to have children until when the flare I’m having subsides—and that may never happen. But if my kidneys are affected, I probably can’t have children at all. Plus, lots of times lupus can make the kidneys fail. So, having kids would be a moot point if, you know, I’m dead.”

For the first time in my life, my mother was completely speechless.

Ellie clutched her chest as she tiptoed over to the couch and sat next to me. She pulled my hand from my lap and held it in hers.

“Why didn’t you tell any of us? Why did you make yourself go through all of this alone?”

I shrugged. Why did I do that? “It started out as not wanting anyone to panic, then I waited to get it under control before I said anything. But it only got much worse, and by then it was too late; I’d lied for too long. We all just lost Jack. I couldn’t put the family through another agonizing illness. I figured it was just easier to handle it myself.”

“How stupid could you possibly be?” My mother shook her head as she rubbed my knee. I smiled through tears of relief. I needed my tough mother now, and realized how scared I’d been without her to yell and protect me. “You deserve our concern just as much as Jack did. Oh, cookie . . .” Her jaw trembled as her voice trailed off. My mother never cried, and seeing her tears only made me want to join her. She cleared her throat and scooted closer to me.

“Why Evan, baby? You love each other so much. Why did you push him away?”

“Because I love him. He’s lived his life for everyone else since he was fifteen. He takes care of a father who treats him like shit and he dropped everything to run back here to help Jack. All he wants is his own family. If he knew the truth, he would sacrifice all that just to take care of a sick woman who may be on borrowed time.”

“First of all—”” Ellie raising her voice at me was disconcerting. “Evan wants you. He would never see that as a sacrifice. And you do not know about borrowed time. My aunt has lupus and she goes through ups and downs. Today, you’d never know she had anything.”

I kept expecting my flare to subside, but all it did was get worse. I couldn’t find it in myself to hope for anything at this point.

“Ellie, I’ve been down so much I’ve forgotten what up feels like. I can’t put Evan through any of this.”

“What you can’t do is take his choices away. That was mean, making him think you didn’t want to be with him anymore because you didn’t want to be a burden to him.”

“I wish I was like Jack, Ellie. He was so brave, never missed a beat even when the cancer was at its worst.”

“You’re more like Jack than you know.” Ellie crossed her legs and sat back on the couch. “The day he was diagnosed, we’d just celebrated our first anniversary. He came home and told me, point blank, that he had an aggressive form of leukemia, and he would understand if I wanted a divorce.”

Wow. I never would have expected that from Jack. “What . . . did you say?”

“I called him an asshole.” Little Ellie calling someone an asshole in her squeaky little voice was funny to me. I giggled and she smiled back. “Then I told him that my place was with him. We’d take on cancer like we took on everything else, together, and we would get the most out of this life that we could, however long it lasted for either of us.” Ellie smiled and looked away. “Then he kissed me and told me ‘Congrats, you passed the test’.”

“The test? He was testing you?” Ellie waved her hand at me and shook her head.

“You know how he was, always making jokes when he was scared. He told me it was like the door test from A Bronx Tale, but I knew he was afraid I would leave. You made Evan leave because you were scared he’d eventually want to.

“I wouldn’t trade one single second I spent with Jack. Even when things were at their worst. I know for a fact Evan would feel the same way. If Jack left me, I would have felt more cheated than I did the day he died. Love is pretty rare. Real love, anyway. When you find the one, you hold on, for however long you’re allowed.” Ellie put her arm around me and kissed my cheek.

“When is your next doctor’s appointment?” My mother’s eyes were still glassy.

“Monday. She said we’ll figure out if I need a kidney biopsy or not. She’s a good doctor. Not having any luck so far, but she’s trying.”

“I’ll drive you. What time?” I put my hand in hers and squeezed.

“Ten o’clock in the morning. You’re sure?”

She raised her eyebrows at me. “I’m coming to every appointment. And if I can’t, Ellie will. And maybe if you can find it in yourself to smarten up, Evan will, too.”

What Ellie said about feeling cheated if Jack left weighed on my mind. I hurt Evan so much, could we ever go back to where we were? Letting him go almost broke me, but did I have it in me to get him back?