Текст книги "Only You"

Автор книги: Stephanie Rose

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Текущая страница: 8 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

At Evan’s constant nudging, I did go back to my doctor to find out why I still wasn’t better after a month. She, once again, told me the recovery time for pneumonia is long. I’d have to rest and wait it out. My cough and chest pains still lingered, but I had a bit more energy the past few days and decided to take that as a good sign.

I’d been so drained the past few weeks that I took client calls from my apartment instead of making my usual rounds. Feeling excited to get some fresh air and a change of scenery, I ventured to Starbucks in the December chill.

In addition to feeling like overall shit, my heart was heavy these days. I was thinking about Jack constantly and so worried about Ellie. My aunt told me she kept trying to push her out of the house to have some time to herself. I suggested meeting at the Starbucks across the street from Taylor’s Flooring and we’d go see the guys afterwards.

“Hey, Paige.” Ellie kissed the back of my head and slid into the seat across the table.

“Ever think about taking a job as a ninja? You scared the crap out of me.” I saved my work and closed the laptop screen. Usually a dumb joke like that would have made Ellie break out into giggles. Now, she just shrugged with a sad smile.

“Everyone at home is always sleeping so I have to tiptoe quite a bit. I guess I’ve gotten good at it.” She took a sip of her chai latte and leaned back in the chair. I put my hand on top of hers and squeezed it a bit to make her look at me.

“I’m so sorry I’ve been sick and haven’t been able to help you with the baby. You need to exploit Mom and Aunt Marie. They’ll take care of little Jack all day long if you need some rest.” She held her hand up and shook her head.

“No. He’s a good boy. Only cries when he’s hungry.”

Her mouth turned up in a small grin at the mention of her son. Everyone who spoke to her for more than five minutes could tell she would be an amazing mom. She had a way of making everyone around her happy, why Jack and I always called her a pixie.

I took a deep breath as I began the conversation I’d been dreading since Jack’s diagnosis; the conversation I never, ever wanted to have.

“It’s Jack, isn’t it? He’s sick again.” I raised my eyebrows and Ellie nodded in response.

Ellie sucked in her bottom lip as she bit down hard. Tears spilled over her cheeks as a sob escaped her. She shook it off and frantically wiped her cheeks with her hands.

“I knew this was a possibility, more than that, it was a probability. But we wanted a baby so much. That was the one thing we wouldn’t let leukemia take away from us. Jack Junior was born and his father was still here. So I thought maybe—just maybe—he would be here for everything else.” She took a deep breath and gazed up at me. I nodded for her to keep going.

“Jack knew the drug stopped working right before the baby was born, but he didn’t tell me until the day we took him home.” I rubbed the back of her hand as her body shook. All these months of trying so hard to be strong and acting happy go lucky finally took their toll. I still didn’t say anything, just let her keep going.

“What am I going to do, Paige? We’ve been together since I was seventeen. He’s the other half of my soul. How do I go on? How do I teach my son all he needs to know, alone? I thought I was prepared for it, but I’m not. No one can prepare for anything like this.”

“How long does he have?”

Ellie let out a long sigh. “Six months. Give or take, Jack likes to say.” She huffed and shook her head.

Less than a year. He wouldn’t even see his son’s first birthday.

“I’m sorry. Jack was afraid to tell you since you’ve been sick for so long . . .”

“I’m quicker than he thinks I am. This isn’t the first time he’s kept something from me that I already knew. Evan wouldn’t tell me either but I can see it written all over his face. He’s heartbroken, but afraid to tell me.”

The men in my life thought I was a china doll and they treated me with extra care so I wouldn’t crack. It was time I proved them all wrong. My family needed me. Jack needed me. It was time to grow the fuck up and take care of other people for a change.

“How is he? All Evan will tell me is that he’s tired but fine.”

Ellie lowered her chin as she clutched the drink in her hand. She swallowed hard before she looked up.

“It . . . seems to be going fast to me. He’s still okay to work, but each day is harder for him than the one before. He’ll never admit it, though. He’s already lost some weight and he looks . . . older.”

“He won’t try anything else . . . ?”

“He’s tried it all. This was a last resort, the only reason he qualified for the drug in the first place. He said he wants to enjoy whatever time he may have left. I feel so alone.” Her voice cracked as she put her face in her hands.

“You’re not alone.” I pulled her hands down. “You have all of us.”

“I know.” Ellie nodded and grabbed my other hand. “But when you’re losing the most important person in your life, you could be in the middle of Grand Central Station and still feel like the only one in the world.”

“I love you. We all do. You and Jack Junior will never ever be alone. I promise.” I leaned forward and rubbed her shoulder.

Ellie nodded. She played with her empty cup as she stared off into space. I quickly packed up my things and stood from my chair. I bent over to wipe Ellie’s tear stained face with a napkin.

“Let’s go Ellie. It’s time I paid my cousin a visit.”

We walked over to their office in silence. I hadn’t seen Jack since the baby was born and I recited over and over again in my head what I wanted to say to him. The baptism was coming up over the weekend but I didn’t want to wait that long.

We strolled in unnoticed. A couple of workers nodded hello as we made our way to the back office.

Evan was coming out of the supply closet when he bumped into Ellie.

“Hey! Where’s the little guy?” He gave her a hello kiss and hug. My heartbeat drummed in my ears so loudly I couldn’t hear the rest of what they said. I peeled off my gloves and wiped my sweating hands on my down jacket, then rubbed them together to hide their shaking. I was about to give myself a stroke before I walked any further.

Evan looked over Ellie’s shoulder and finally spotted me.

“Home with Marie, so I brought your girl instead.” Ellie nodded towards me. His smile grew wide as his eyes lit up. It was the look he gave me whenever I walked into a room, and it never got old.

“Hey, beautiful! This is a nice surprise.” He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. I gripped his waist and hoped that he wouldn’t see me shaking.

“How are you feeling? Bundled up okay?” Evan rubbed his hands up and down my arms as though he was trying to warm me up.

“Yes, Daddy. I’m fine. I got sick of my apartment and worked from Starbucks to get some fresh air.”

Evan wiggled his eyebrows as he pulled me closer. “Daddy? If you’re trying to turn me on its working. Maybe I should spank you for having such a bad attitude.”

“Blech! Really? Where’s that Men in Black memory eraser for when a person hears shit like that? There’s an image I never wanted in my head.” Jack had one arm around Ellie and grabbed his stomach with his other hand as though he was about to be sick.

My stomach sank as I took in how much Jack had changed in only a matter of weeks. He’d definitely lost weight. His cheeks were pale and sallow, and his dirty blond hair looked almost white. Ellie was right, he looked so much older. Someone was pressing the fast forward button on his life.

I had a fantastic speech in my head. I was going to tell him that I loved him and that I would be strong for him just like the way he’d always been for me. I was going to make him believe that. But when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. Our eyes locked. The smirk on Jack’s face faded as he took a deep breath. He knew that I knew. No big reveal was necessary.

Since Ellie called that night, I tried hard to make peace with the fact Jack was dying. Looking at my cousin—his eyes still so full of life but his body breaking down—was a shock to my system I wasn’t prepared for. My knees buckled and Evan held me up.

“I’ve got you, Daisy,” Evan whispered in my ear, and I nodded without looking at him.

“Well?” Jack sighed and leaned back into the wall. Ellie’s lip quivered as she looked between us.

“Well? You look like shit.” My voice was shaky, but Jack laughed and shook his head.

“Well, I wouldn’t enter any beauty pageants if I were you, little cousin. Living off Wendy’s Frostys for a month and you still look like a stick.” I fought a smile as tears escaped the corners of my eyes. I peered up at Evan. He wiped away my tears with his thumbs and nodded his head. A sob ran through me, and after that they didn’t stop. Everything I’d been afraid of all these months was coming true. I was losing Jack. The one and only constant in my life, the man who never let me down, who protected me. I buried my face in Evan’s chest as I wept. I’d promised not to fall apart, yet I was in broken shards all over the floor.

“Hey.” Jack came up behind me and rested his chin on the back of my head. “It’s okay. I’m still here. And until I’m not, no tears, okay?” He kissed my temple and rubbed my shoulders. I didn’t turn around. My knees gave out again, but this time Jack caught me. Jack always caught me. What was I going to do without Jack? Crippling grief and panic ran through me at the same time. I ended up in Jack’s arms with Evan rubbing my back.

“Listen,” Jack pulled me off his chest so I could face him. “I have a request, and I can basically ask you whatever I want now and you can’t say no, you know that, right?” He was still a smartass, even now.

“Right.” I smiled in spite of myself. “What’s the favor?”

“This weekend, you and your boyfriend are going to baptize my son, and then we’ll have a nice big party where everyone will be happy, not weepy. We’ll have enough booze on hand to make that possible. A couple of weeks after that is Christmas. You’re going to help me enjoy the rest of my life by keeping things exactly the same. None of this . . .”

“None of this? Are you kidding? I’m supposed to pretend everything is fine and you’re not, you’re not going to . . .”

“Pretend I’m not dying? No, eventually you won’t be able to do that. Until that point, can we just all be us? Make some nice memories before . . . then? Can you do that for me?”

I shrugged. “I honestly don’t know, but I’ll try. That’s all I can do.” My crying finally slowed down, and Jack kissed my forehead before he let me go.

“Since you’re feeling better, how about coming home with us to see the baby. Your mother keeps urging him to reach his next milestone. Soon he’ll be getting a job and moving out.” I shook my head. That sounded like my mother, all right.

“Okay, let’s go.” I turned to Evan, then back to Jack. “Give me a minute?”

Jack nodded and squeezed my shoulder before he made his way outside with Ellie.

I buried my head in Evan’s chest as he rubbed my back.

“I handled that well, didn’t I? No wonder my entire family still treats me like a kid.”

Evan grabbed my shoulders and pushed me backward to meet his gaze.

“You handled it the way anyone else would have. If you weren’t upset, I’d be worried about you—well, even more than I usually am.” Evan smirked and I shook my head.

“He’s always been there, from the beginning. Through every bad boyfriend, flunked test, and evil friend who turned on me. I think of what life will be like without him, and I already feel so alone.” My voice cracked again.

Evan shook his head and pulled me close again. “You will never be alone. It’s you and me against the world. You’re my heart and my soul. That means you can never get rid of me. Ever. Understand?” He cocked an eyebrow at me.

I chuckled. “I expect you to run for the hills, not me.” I wrapped my arms around his waist and nuzzled into his neck. “You’re a hot as hell ex-hockey player with a panty-dropping voice. I’m staying put for as long as you’ll have me.”

Evan’s chest shook from laughter as he held me tighter. “And you are the beautiful girl I crushed on who grew up to be the gorgeous woman I fell in love with. Looks like we’re both stuck, right?”

I nodded. “See you at Jack’s later?” My tears had exhausted me but I found the energy to give Evan a smile.

He cradled my head in his hands and pressed his lips to mine. “Where you go, I go.” He kissed me again and I trudged out the door to meet Jack and Ellie.

So I would do it. Pretend everything was normal and okay and give my cousin my best in the last months of his life. The one thing I knew I couldn’t do was prep myself for losing Jack. No matter when I had to say good-bye, it would be one of the worst days of my life.

By the time Christmas came, I still felt like shit most days. I had days of almost no energy and the cough got so bad I needed an inhaler. There was no rhyme or reason to it. I’d feel great one day, then could barely get out of bed the next. Once I started getting random fevers at night, Evan begged me to please see another doctor. Natalie gave me the name of a doctor she liked and trusted at the hospital she worked in as a nurse, so the day before Christmas Eve I had close to ten vials of blood drawn. I was tested for everything, and Dr. Ramirez said she hoped to finally have an answer for me after the holidays.

I was worried, and frustrated as all hell that I still didn’t feel close to my normal self, but my thoughts were mostly of Jack, Ellie, and my aunt and uncle. It was tough to enjoy the last Christmas with someone we loved when we knew it was their last Christmas. My cheeks hurt from the happy face I forced. We all agreed this Christmas was a blessing and to focus on that. I mentally took bets as to who would break down first. My money was on me.

“Are you okay, Daisy?” Evan wrapped his arms around me from behind as I was in the kitchen cutting up cheese to put on a tray. Other than an upset stomach from nerves, I felt decent today, and thought the best thing to do was to keep moving and try to not sit still. After a few seconds I would start to think, and that would do me no good tonight.

“Yeah.” I sighed and rubbed the back of Evan’s hand as it rested on my waist. “I’m really trying not to be sad tonight, so I might need a little more alcohol to do that.” Evan chuckled and turned me around.

“I know it’s early but I thought maybe this would help keep a smile on your face.” Evan reached behind him and pulled out a Tiffany’s bag. I gasped at the beautiful pale blue color and white ribbon.

“Oh, my god! Tiffany’s? Are you crazy?” Evan laughed and shook his head.

“I’m crazy about you, so just open it.” I grabbed the bag as he dangled it from his index finger. Even the white tissue paper seemed high end; I tore at it and found the Tiffany’s key pendant that I always wanted. I had gotten a knockoff one day from a street vendor in Manhattan, but could never justify buying the real one for myself. I held the pendant in my hand, and let my fingers run along the chain.

“Now you can stop wearing the fake one. I don’t know if you remember but I was with you when you got it. It was the day we went into the city with Jack to pick out Ellie’s engagement ring. You spotted that guy selling it and jumped up and down that was the Tiffany’s necklace you wanted. I told you it wasn’t real, and you laughed and said it was a great placeholder until you got the real thing.”

“That’s right. How could I forget that?” I couldn’t believe Evan remembered that day almost four years ago.

“So, I thought it was time you got the real thing.” Evan took my face in his hands and smiled. I reached up to clasp the backs of his hands.

“I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love you. I know it’s . . . tough right now for all of us. But you make me so fucking happy.” Evan ran his thumb along my bottom lip and rested his forehead against mine.

Until Evan, everything in my life was a placeholder. I finally had the real thing, and I never wanted to let go. This Christmas, my big wish, the one that I had since I was a little girl watching princess movies, came true. Even though I spent way too much time looking in all the wrong places, my prince really did exist.

“You make me happy, too. God, Evan . . . I love you so much.” I jumped on Evan and kissed him much harder than I should have with most of my family in the next room. He moaned into my mouth as he lifted me up and put me on the counter. I pushed the tray of food aside as I wrapped my legs around his waist. I nibbled on his bottom lip when he tried to pull away.

“Fuck, Daisy, you’re killing me.” Despite his protest, he grabbed the back of my neck and brought his lips back to mine. I tightened my legs around his waist and pulled him closer.

“Oh my God! It’s Christmas Eve! Baby Jesus is about to be born and these two are going at it right next to the cheese tray!” Jack’s voice boomed from the kitchen doorway. I kept kissing Evan and held up my index finger. I took my lips away for a moment and turned to Jack.

“Not done yet.” Evan laughed when I went back to his lips.

“C’mon, Daisy.” He pulled back as I ran my hands up and down the dark sleeves of his dress shirt. “I’m sleeping over tonight, remember?” Evan kissed my cheek and whispered. “You can keep thanking me all night long if you want.” He caught my hands and laced our fingers together. I crinkled my nose at him as he lifted me off the counter and set me down.

“What is she doing? Paige went in there a half hour ago to put cheese on a tray. Paige!” I sank my head into Evan’s chest, groaning at my mother’s voice traveling down the hallway.

Jack bounced Jack Junior in his arms as he laughed at us. “Some godparents we picked for you. Sorry, buddy.” The baby was in a full Santa suit and stared at us with wide eyes. For a two month old, he seemed to notice everything, just like his annoying father.

“Now you can explain to your mother how I caught you in mid-grope . . .”

“Caught her in what? Paige, what’s going on?” My mother split a look between Evan and me with a furrowed brow. I glimpsed over at Evan, and noticed my lipstick was all over his face. I tried to motion to him to wipe it off. Talk about getting caught red handed. Well, at least this was one holiday when humiliating distractions would be welcome.

“Evan gave me my Christmas present.” I held up the necklace and my mother put her hand on her chest as she approached us.

“How beautiful! Tiffany’s too? Such a nice boy.” Mom gave Evan a kiss on the cheek. “Now give me the tray and I’ll take it into the living room. I’d like to eat before New Year’s.” Mom huffed as she picked up the silver tray and rushed out of the kitchen.

“Oh and Paige, wipe your face.” My mother pursed her lips as she left the kitchen. I dropped my face to my hands as Jack laughed so hard, tears fell down his cheeks.

“Dude, I don’t know how you did it, but you totally got the golden ticket with Aunt Tess. Not you, Paige. I wouldn’t be surprised if she yells at you for corrupting Evan. And we thought tonight would be no fun. Get me a beer, Ev.”

“A beer?” Last thing he needed was to mix. “You think that’s a good idea?” Jack was on a lot of meds.

“Cuz, what are you saving me for?” Jack gave me a sad smile. I nodded and looked away.

“I’ll be right out.” I turned around to clean up and put the utensils in the sink. Fuck, I couldn’t start this already. I tried to swallow back the tears as I scrubbed at the cheeseboard.

Jack came behind me and put his arm around my shoulder. “Jack, tell Aunt Paige to lighten up. It’s a holiday and we have presents to open.” I shook my head and I kept my head lowered. Eye contact would make the waterworks come pouring out.

“Remember what you promised me?” I rolled my eyes and turned to face him.

“Yes.” I let out a long sigh. “I remember. Just . . . give me a minute, okay?” Jack kissed my temple and rubbed my back.

“Okay. C’mon, Evan. We’ll see you inside, hot pants.”

I huffed as I narrowed my eyes at my cousin. “You’re a jerk.”

“Ah!” Jack nodded. “That’s what I’m talking about. Normal. Perfect.”

Evan laughed as he reached for a paper towel to wipe his face. He crept up behind me and planted a kiss behind my ear.

“See you inside, hot pants.” He slapped my ass as he sauntered over to the refrigerator to pull out two beers, and left to join Jack in the living room.

Other than a few dirty looks from my mother, Christmas dinner was perfect. Jack Junior was such a good baby, and was passed around like a football all night long. He was with his father for most of the night, and we all took picture after picture.

“Hey, want me to take him?” Ellie slipped off the baby’s Santa hat as he slept in Evan’s arms. Both boys looked perfectly content right where they were on my uncle’s leather recliner.

“Nah, my godson and I are good. I was telling him all about when we buy his first Rangers jersey.”

“Oh, hell no.” Jack straightened on the couch and shook his head. “He’s an Islanders fan. Don’t make me get something notarized. I’ll haunt the shit out of you.” Ellie joined Jack on the couch and shook her head as she climbed onto his lap.

“Like you won’t do that anyway.” She flung her arms around Jack’s neck with a sad smile.

“I’ll haunt you as much as I can, baby.” Jack kissed her forehead and pulled her into his chest.

My Aunt Marie put her arm around me as we both stared at her grandson over Evan’s shoulder. “This is the first Christmas we have a baby around here. Last kids in the family were Jack and Paige.” The exhaustion in her eyes broke my heart. How do you prepare to bury your own child? Jack and his mother had always been like two peas in a pod. Even when Jack went away to school, he called my aunt almost every day. Maybe someone would ring our bell with a Christmas miracle and nothing would have to change. My heart would never stop hoping for it, but my head knew better. Life would soon become nothing more than a waiting game, but eventually all our hearts would shatter.

I peered over at my Uncle John next to Jack and Ellie on the couch. He’d sported a big smile all night, but it never made it to his eyes. He’d always made sure to tell me all about my father, his big brother whom he adored and idolized. I loved hearing all the stories he told, about my dad playing football, becoming a cop, and how he died a hero.

But my father wasn’t a real person to me in any of those stories. He may as well have been talking about Batman or the Easter Bunny. I don’t remember taking the picture in my mother’s hallway on my first Christmas; me on his lap, my father gazing at me with the same big green eyes as mine. I never knew him, so he wasn’t real to me.

Now we’d be telling Jack Junior all about his father, who would never be real to him, either. He wouldn’t remember Jack’s larger than life voice, his deep, infectious laugh as he teased all of us, or how he would take on someone twice his size if they hurt anyone he loved. My cousin lived and loved hard, and would leave a gaping hole in the world when he left us.

Sometimes, life didn’t make one bit of goddamn sense.