Текст книги "Only You"

Автор книги: Stephanie Rose

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Текущая страница: 12 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

“You,” I yanked the waistband of Evan’s jeans and pulled him closer, “are hot as hell when you get jealous.” I sucked his bottom lip and gave it a nibble.

“Hmm . . . I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Evan grabbed the nape of my neck and crashed his lips to mine. “I would totally kick someone’s ass for you. No one touches my girl.” I laughed against his lips.

“My sexy caveman. You’re really great with kids. You’ll make an awesome dad someday.”

Evan shrugged. “My luck I’ll have a little girl just as beautiful as her mother and I’ll have to beat guys up for real.” Evan kissed my forehead as I froze. How would I be able to take care of children if I could barely function some days? I bit my lip as I tried to catch my breath. The realization knocked the wind out of me.

“Hey,” Evan took my face in his hands. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I think a little too far ahead sometimes. I . . . can’t picture my future with anyone else but you.” Evan ran his hand down my cheek. I reached up and caressed the top of his hand.

“Me too, babe. Can we lock up and go home?” A soft smile spread across Evan’s face as he pulled me closer.

“Sure. I’d love to go home with you, beautiful.” Evan kissed my lips as I willed myself to relax.

Evan deserved the best future, especially after taking care of everyone else for most of his life. The love I had for him was bone deep. But for the first time, it crossed my mind that the best future he could have may not be one with me.

It was my third visit to Dr. Stephens in a little over a month, and I already hated this office. I hated the drive here, hated the waiting room, and I really despised wringing my hands in my lap as Dr. Stephens would review the new test results. I dangled my legs off the side of the examination table and braced myself for whatever lupus decided to do to me this week. My lungs were already a mess. In the fifteen minutes I’d been there, my eyes had teared from three long coughing fits.

“Still a lot of protein in your urine, Paige. I want to take it again today and run a few other tests.”

“This means I have lupus in my kidneys, too, right?” My voice was dry. I didn’t even have it in me to panic anymore. This illness was finding new ways to make life even more difficult than the day before. The joint pain and fatigue were pretty constant, and the sores in my throat improved for a short time, only to get worse. They caused unbearable indigestion in addition to making it hard to swallow food in the first place. I had to give up coffee, and almost every morning I chased plain oatmeal with antacid tablets.

“Could be. I’ll call you with the results. Still having trouble eating, I see.” In the short time I’d been Dr. Stephens’s patient, I had lost almost ten pounds. I missed the days when I’d try to find ways to hide my muffin top as opposed to being grossed out by the sight of the concaves of my ribs after I stepped out of the shower.

My phone buzzed with a text as Dr. Stephens did her usual pounding on the keyboard.

Evan: I’m so sorry work has been so crazy. I miss you so damn much.

Business was good, but now Evan worked all hours. Taylor’s Flooring had night jobs in addition to very early morning ones, and Evan was wearing himself ragged trying to police it all. The past few nights, he’d been coming to my apartment so late and waking up so early the following morning, I barely remembered sleeping with him. Scared, depressed and lonely was mostly how I spent my days.

Me: It’s okay. You’re busy, I understand.

Evan: How are you feeling? I haven’t even seen you awake the past few days.

Me: Fine.

Evan: I’ll make it up to you, Daisy. I promise. Please don’t be mad.

Me: I’m not mad. I’m in a meeting and have to go.

Evan: Shit, yes you are. I’ll be home as soon as I can. I love you so much, Daisy. Just hang in there with me, OK?

I locked my phone and threw it back into my purse. Not seeing Evan worked to my advantage. I hardly ate, was in bed by nine o’clock, and really didn’t feel like dealing with anyone. I missed Ellie and the baby so much, but never felt up to visiting them, and I knew Ellie would catch on that something was wrong fairly quickly. The isolation was killing me, but I couldn’t bring myself out of it. I wouldn’t be able to ward off my mother too much longer, so hopefully with the extra rest maybe I’d start having good days again.

“You’re still on the pill, right?” Dr. Stephens asked without looking up. Odd question to be asked here.

“Um, yes. Have been for a little less than a year.”

Dr. Stephens nodded. “I would advise against having children until we get this flare down, especially if we confirm there’s kidney activity.”

My brow furrowed. “What happens if there’s kidney activity? Are you saying I can’t have children?” I tried to keep the panic at bay and not let it seep into my system. It was funny, but after all the research I did on lupus, I was afraid to ask real questions once I got in front of my doctor. When I came into her office, I wanted top line information. Every article, every website, and every Google search didn’t offer me much hope. Out of sight, and out of my head was how I played this lupus patient game.

“I’m saying you shouldn’t have them now. Pregnancy is not advised during a flare; it can be dangerous. I won’t sugar coat this. If Lupus causes enough damage to your kidneys, you could ultimately have kidney failure and need a transplant. Then, I would absolutely recommend you not carry any children. As I told you, it’s a big concern, but not a certainty.” I nodded as my head spun. Didn’t matter if it wasn’t definite, all my ears heard was ‘no children.’ I never thought of a life without having kids of my own. My chest ached remembering how much Evan loved kids, what a great godfather he was, and how much he wanted his own family. And if my kidneys failed, it wasn’t as though I could order a new one from Amazon. I didn’t hear a goddamn thing Dr. Stephens said after that. I wandered out of the office and got into my car in a daze.

I stopped at the Chinese restaurant by my apartment but instead of bringing dinner home as usual, I ate my wonton soup alone at one of the tables. I slurped a little at a time so as to not aggravate my throat. A little girl, maybe about five years old, rushed over to me. Her long blonde pigtails bounced as her hazel eyes shone at me. She reminded me what I imagined my daughter could look like like—my daughter with Evan.

“We have an extra fortune cookie. Do you want it?” She opened her hand and offered me the crumbled cookie still in the plastic wrapper.

“Sure. Thank you, sweetie. That was really nice of you.” Her eyes twinkled as she scooted away.

My grandfather used to like to play the numbers on the back of fortunes. He never won, but maybe I’d play in honor of him and he’d send me some luck. Of course, mine had no numbers, but a thunderbolt hit me as I read my future.

If you love something, set it free.

I used to think that was the stupidest saying. When I was looking for love, if I got it, I thought I would clutch onto it for dear life and never let go. Now I had love. Real love, better than I ever dreamed. A hundred soap operas or romance novels couldn’t compare to what it was like to love Evan, and to have him love me back.

Evan was the best man and the greatest human being I’d ever known. I wanted to give him the best of everything, but I wasn’t the best. Not even close. My body was turning on itself and I was just getting sicker and sicker. If he stayed with me, not only would he forgo his own family, but I’d be another weight on his shoulders, another burden to carry. My future was hazy at best. He’d had his fill of tragedy, and I couldn’t in good conscience set him up for another. He should have a full life—not the half of one I could give him.

I managed to eat most of the soup before the heartburn flared. I rose from the table to throw out the trash from my meal, my vision hazy from the tears that I couldn’t stop. I loved Evan. And even though it would break my heart, maybe I did have to set him free.

“You have to start telling the truth, Paige. You can’t keep this up much longer. I know I sure as hell can’t.” I sat on Natalie’s couch as we repeated the same conversation for the tenth time.

I rubbed my eyes as my face fell to my hands. “Natalie, you don’t understand—”

“You’re damn right. I don’t understand. I don’t get how a smart woman has been stuck on stupid for the past few months. How do even keep track of the lies? I’m not covering for you anymore. Just tell your mother and Evan the truth.” Natalie moved closer and put her hand on top of mine. “You’ll feel better when they know. You have a good man. He’ll help you through this. Your mother, well, is your mother, but she loves you. She doesn’t deserve to be kept in the dark like this.”

“My mother is my mother . . . and Evan wouldn’t leave my side. He barely leaves me alone now, always asking how I am, what I need. It’s the caretaker spiral he’s been in his entire life. Once he finds out I have a serious illness, I’ll be an albatross around his neck, like his father. And I’ll ruin his life, too.” I shook my head and looked away.

Natalie leaned back and narrowed her eyes at me. “What are you saying? You’re going to leave a man who loves you because you don’t want to be a burden? That can’t be right, because that would make absolutely no fucking sense, now would it?”

“Evan would have to sacrifice the family he wants so badly for what? To play nurse maid to a sick woman? He doesn’t know how to look out for himself. He would do it without a second thought—”

“Because he’s a good man who takes care of the people he loves. It’s no reason to punish him.”

“I’m not punishing him, Natalie! Don’t you see? Every appointment with Dr. Stephens gets worse. More organs involved, more tests, more restrictions. She told me yesterday I may not be able to have children if my kidneys don’t straighten out. And if my kidneys are too far gone, what happens to me anyway? He can bury me along with his mother and his best friend. Staying with him, making him live that kind of life, that’s punishing him.”

“Not if that’s what he wants! Paige, how long have we been friends?”

“What? Why are you asking me this?”

“How. Long. Paige.” Natalie’s jaw ticked as she glared at me.

I let out a long sigh and shrugged. “Like twenty-five years, I think—”

“Yeah, most of our lives. In all that time, I’ve never seen you like this, and it kills me. You’ve cut yourself off from almost everyone except me, and I think that’s only because I’m a means to an end right now—I’m the one who covers and makes excuses for you when you go to appointments. This isn’t you, it’s not the flare itself, it’s what you’re letting it do to you. Stephens told you she was concerned and watching you, and you have yourself dead already.”

I loved Natalie. But I resented the shit out of her. No one saw how getting through a work day was such a struggle that I would sometimes go straight to bed before eight o’clock. I couldn’t even enjoy a cup of coffee without setting my throat and chest on fire. Everything hurt, all the time. I waddled around like an old lady in what should have been the prime of my life. I didn’t want this, but it was what I was dealt, and no one had the right to judge me for how I handled it.

“You don’t get it.” My voice broke and my jaw trembled. Why couldn’t I be mad without waterworks? It infuriated me and made me cry that much harder. “My medicine cabinet is full of prescriptions that don’t work. Every day gets worse, and I don’t want to bring Evan down with me.”

Natalie put her hand on mine again. I tried to pull away, but she gripped it and shook her head. “Honey, I know you’re sick. And more than anything, I wish you weren’t. It breaks my heart to see you struggle. This is a lot to deal with all alone. Pushing people away won’t help . . . just think before you do something stupid. Okay?”

“I thought I was stuck on stupid?” I wiped my wet cheeks with the back of my hand. Natalie rose from the couch and kissed me on the cheek.

“That’s why I’m around. To unstick you. Best friend’s code.” I nodded and collapsed in sobs on her arm. I missed Evan; I even missed my mother. I was keeping them both at arms’ length, only telling them need to know things, and staying vague as to how I spent my days. The burden was exhausting.

“Daisy, why are you crying?” Angelica stared at me from behind her mother with her brow furrowed.

I pulled her onto my lap and shook my head. “I’m okay. Adults are strange. I thought you were having a tea party in your room.”

“I was but it got boring, so I wanted you and mommy to come in. My animals really don’t talk, I have to pretend to talk for them and it makes me tired.” I laughed and kissed her cheek. It took me back to the days when I made Jack have tea parties with me. He grumbled and complained, but as long as a Transformer or two joined us, he obliged. God, I missed him. His loss was so much more painful now. I never needed my older twin more.

“Hey, anybody home? Oh, hey, Paige. How are you feeling?” Natalie’s husband’s booming voice filled the room, and Angelica scrambled off my lap to greet him.

“Hanging in there, Connor. Thank you,” I answered as he scooped his daughter up and kissed her cheek. He was over six feet, like Evan, and made Angelica look tiny in his arms.

“Oh, hey, sweetie!” Natalie kissed Connor’s lips as he wrapped his arms around her waist. They were a beautiful and happy family. My chest ached as I watched them. I knew that simple happiness they shared would never be mine. But it should be Evan’s. I was the only thing in his way.

“Hey, guys, I’m going to go. I’m a little tired.” I strolled over to Natalie and gave her and Angelica a quick kiss good-bye. The sorrow in my heart was stifling me, and I couldn’t leave her house fast enough.

“Paige, please think before you do anything.” Natalie called to me as I unlocked her door.

“Don’t worry, I see it all clearly now. Text you later, okay.” I didn’t look back as I made my way out and rushed, as much as my painful legs would allow, over to my car.

My brain was already mapping things out. I needed to start to pull away. It was the right thing to do, even though the idea of it hurt like hell. But, I would be selfish one more night. Evan had a night job tonight and would arrive at my apartment after nine. I would give him, give us, one more night together.

Avoiding him after wouldn’t be all that hard. He worked all the time now, and with my new projects at work, I kept as busy as possible during the day so they didn’t ask me to come into the office. He would notice after a while, and then I’d break it off.

Now, how to act as though I wasn’t ripping my own heart out when I let the only man I ever truly loved go. This wouldn’t work unless I was mean. One tear from me and he wouldn’t go anywhere. I had to be cruel to be kind—and every moment of it would kill me.

I lay in my bed and let my fingers drift back and forth over the side of the bed Evan slept on. I sank my head into his pillow and shut my eyes as I inhaled. I loved the way he smelled, like sweet cologne mixed with sweat—my Evan. One of my favorite things to do was bury my head in his neck—was. I glanced at the alarm clock on my nightstand. Nine o’clock. Evan would be putting his key in the lock any second now. Maybe I should ask for the key back right away? He wouldn’t come here, but asking for it back would make our break up seem final. Being mean to him would kill me, but it was the only way. After tonight, Evan would be just a memory—a sweet, wonderful, and if the current torment in my soul was any indication, excruciating memory. I would always belong to him, but I couldn’t claim him anymore. That would be selfish and all kinds of wrong. It was about time someone in Evan’s life thought of him first.

My front door creaked open. It was show time. I wiped the tears from my face and shut my lamp off. A red and swollen face full of sadness was much easier to hide in the near dark. The only light in the room was from the street lights peeking through the window blinds. Evan’s heavy steps traveled down my short hallway and into my bedroom. I chuckled as he tiptoed in and gingerly sat on the edge of my bed, most likely presuming I was asleep.

“Hey, handsome.” Evan startled and dropped the work boot he had just unlaced. If I raised my voice even a half an octave higher it would crack. This was about to be the hardest night of my life. I would give him everything I had, then start to let him go tomorrow. If I survived, that was. Every second that ticked by, I died a little. Every second was one second closer to good-bye. My heart pounded in my chest and my breathing was shallow, but I wasn’t letting anything ruin tonight, not even my fucked up body.

“I didn’t think you were up, beautiful.” Evan whispered as he slipped his other boot off and crawled next to me on the bed. As he ran his fingers through my hair, my body tingled at the slight contact. I needed to pay close attention so I remembered it all—the tender touch of his calloused fingers, the sweet taste of his lips, the sexy timbre of his voice. I would never be able to listen to another Beatles song for the rest of my life—however long that might be.

This would be the last time Evan and I would be together. Was knowing that a blessing or a curse? I chose to think of it as a blessing, and planned to make damn sure we didn’t waste a single second.

I took Evan’s face in my hands and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. I glided my fingers down his cheeks and along the stubble on his jaw. Evan caught one of my hands and kissed my palm.

“Miss me, Daisy?” God, yes. I missed him already. The agony over losing him was ripping me apart inside. Evan pulled me closer and kissed my forehead as tears prickled my eyelids. I knew nothing about what the rest of my life would become. What I did know, was that I would miss him all day, every day. Evan was the love of my life, and I would ache for him as long as I lived.

“Of course.” I smiled in the dark and hoped it would be reflected in my voice. No more talking, I’d say what I needed without speaking.

I peppered kisses down his cheek. I inched my way down to his chin as a smirk ticked up the side of his mouth. I sucked on his bottom lip and flicked it with my tongue. A moan escaped Evan’s throat as his lips parted. I let my tongue wander around his mouth at a languid pace. He tasted so good, always exactly the same: like cinnamon and coffee—and Evan.

My hands drifted to the hem of his T-shirt. I slipped them underneath the soft cotton and let my fingertips drift over his torso, along the ridges of his abs and the hard muscles of his chest. He was perfection from the inside out. I lifted his shirt and leaned over to paint kisses across his stomach. Evan chuckled until I followed my lips with my tongue. I smiled as he gasped a short breath and cursed.

I was starved to taste every inch of his skin as I committed everything about him to memory. Once his shirt gathered at his neck, Evan pulled it over his head. I dragged my lips over his collarbone as his breathing quickened. My hands traveled back to his waist, my sore fingertips trying in vain to unbuckle his jeans. Evan opened it with the flick of his wrist. I dipped my hand down his pants over the swell of his erection as it jerked upwards.

“Mmmm . . . so good, Daisy.” Evan’s hand tangled in my hair as my fingers and mouth worshipped everything they could reach. Daisy. I loved that he had a nickname just for me, and the story behind it. I’d envisioned telling our kids why Daddy liked to call me Daisy, because he thought I made things beautiful. They would roll their eyes at their mushy parents and we would laugh. Now daisies would be on the long list of painful reminders of a life I wanted more than anything, but wasn’t meant to have.

I pulled at his pants even as I went back to his lips. Kisses from Evan always made my head spin, but now I thirsted for them like I’d been through a desert and his lips were my water. I drank in as much as I could.

Evan lifted his hips and dragged his pants down along with his boxers. He turned back to me with a sweet smile.

“I seem to be at a disadvantage here, being the first one naked.” I laughed as my words from Christmas Eve were repeated back to me. I planned on sedating myself from December of this year through January so I wouldn’t think of all I’d lost from one holiday to the next. “Although . . .” Evan ran his finger along my lacy neckline. “I love seeing you like this.”

I wore the red satin baby doll nightgown Evan bought for me for Valentine’s Day. He got on my case as to why ‘someone with such an amazing body didn’t have any sexy night stuff.’ This was still my only piece, and after tonight it would go away in a box in the back of my closet, way out of sight.

Evan grabbed the nape of my neck and covered my mouth with his. His fingers traced and pulled down the satin straps of my nightgown as he dragged hot open mouthed kisses down my neck and across my shoulders. I’d gotten a lot thinner since February, so the silky material fell off my body the second I pulled my arms out of the straps. The hungry look in Evan’s eyes made me shiver as he cupped my breasts and brought his lips back to mine. I fell back as he sucked my nipple into his mouth. My hips bucked off the bed as his tongue traced a circle around the rigid peak.

“So beautiful . . .” Evan whispered as he climbed on top of me and brought his hand between my legs. I whimpered as he slipped two fingers inside and rubbed his thumb over my clit.

“Always so wet. I’m so fucking hooked on you . . .” He pumped his fingers in and out as tears escaped the corners of my eyes. I turned my head to wipe them on my pillow before Evan noticed.

“Make love to me, Evan. Please . . .” I begged. I reached between us and glided my hand up and down his cock inch by inch.

A playful smile spread across Evan’s beautiful face. “You never have to say please, Daisy. I’m yours whenever you want me.” Not after tonight. I buried my head in his neck as he slid inside me. I shut my eyes so I could focus on how it felt. How he filled me so perfectly, moving his hips in just the right way to hit every sweet spot inside. We moved in perfect sync, as if we were meant for each other. We were, just not in this life.

I was getting closer much faster than usual. My body wanted to devour him while my heart preferred to savor the moment. However fast it passed by, I wanted all of it. I gazed into his eyes as the lower half of my body throbbed. As much as I tried to will it off, I fell over the edge quickly. Evan’s face contorted as he grunted through his release. I wouldn’t break eye contact. I wanted to freeze time because I knew the moment he wasn’t inside me anymore, he wouldn’t be—ever again.

The tears that I’d been trying to hold in became rolling sobs I couldn’t control. I quivered under Evan as I gasped for air. It felt like the end of the world—probably because it was.

“Daisy, what’s wrong? Did I . . . hurt you? Tell me.” Evan wiped away my tears as his hand caressed my cheek. I shook my head.

“I love you so much, it’s overwhelming sometimes.” Believe me now, Evan. Not when I tell you I don’t want to be with you anymore. Maybe telepathy worked if you tried hard enough. Thank God he didn’t almost propose again. The sobbing fit would have turned into an all-out nervous breakdown.

Evan smiled and kissed my cheek.

“I know the feeling all too well. I bought you a Frosty on the way home. It’s in the fridge if you want it. Did you eat today?”

He was so sweet, and so good—and so much better off without me.

“A little, but yeah that sounds good. I’ll split it with you.” I sat up and reached for my nightgown.

“I’ll bring it to you, my lady. Be right back.” He gave me a quick kiss on the lips before he slipped on his boxers and strolled out of my bedroom. I mentally added Frostys to the list, and would never drive past another Wendy’s if I could possibly help it.

Evan was everything good in my life, but I had to love him enough to let him go. If I’d learned anything in my lifetime, the more wonderful something was, the less time I got to keep it. The promise of a happy life with Evan had reached its expiration date.