Текст книги "Only You"

Автор книги: Stephanie Rose

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Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

I parked up the block from Evan’s office and thumbed the Tiffany key around my neck as I sat in my car. What was I going to say? The horrible things I told him before I threw him out of my apartment ran through my head. I was cruel and awful, so how could I just take it back?

Evan was still fighting for me, though, so maybe somewhere inside he didn’t believe what I said and I still had a chance. Even so, could I be this selfish? Ellie was right. I couldn’t take his choices away, I would lay it all on the line, and leave it up to him.

My head pounded and my face was on fire. Feeling this much of a chill on a hot July day wasn’t normal. I’d felt awful for the past couple of days, but so far didn’t have a fever. I shouldn’t have gotten into my car feeling so weak; at a couple of lights, I was frightened I wouldn’t make it. The coughing and wheezing were bad all the time, but today they seemed to be at an unprecedented peak. Maybe my nerves made it all worse. Who knew at this point?

My sore legs trudged up the sidewalk to his office. One of the workers let me in the front door as he was leaving, and I tiptoed into the back. Jessica’s desk was empty. It seemed she’d left for the day. I stood in the doorway and gazed at Evan for a moment. I smiled to myself as he cursed under his breath while organizing the papers on his desk. He had almost a full beard now instead of his usual short stubble—why my lips still stung from the burn of our desperate kiss the other day. I wanted to run over to him, pepper his face with kisses, and beg him to take me back. It still seemed selfish to try to keep him, but at the very least, I owed him the truth.

“Hey.” I crossed the doorway into the office. Evan regarded me with puzzled eyes. “Can I sit? I think it’s time that we talked.”

Evan nodded to the chair in front of his desk. “No, we should have talked a long time ago. Are you ready to tell me what you’ve been hiding all this time? Respect me enough to stop lying.” Evan crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair.

“I . . . don’t just have a weak immune system. I have an autoimmune disease called lupus. It’s the reason for the fevers that never went away, the joint pain, why I never recovered from pneumonia.”

Evan stayed quiet, sucked on his bottom lip and nodded without looking at me. “How long have you known?”

I recoiled at the scowl on Evan’s face as he turned towards me.

“Since my first appointment with the specialist. She hadn’t confirmed it yet, but she told me she was ninety-eight percent sure.”

Evan nodded and leaned forward, resting his elbows on the top of the desk.

“So, I came to your apartment that night, and you looked me right in the eye and lied to me, and lied to your mother. Why?” His words were clipped. I could tell he wanted to yell at me but was holding himself back.

“Because I needed to deal with it on my own. If I told the two of you—”

“Is that how it works, or should I say worked, between us? Because I thought being in love meant we were partners. Like when you insisted on coming with me to move my dad into the home. I thought it meant we depended on each other, let each other in. Told the fucking truth. So was I not that important enough to you to be told you had an actual illness instead of a weak immune system?” Evan spit his words at me as he glowered in my direction. He wasn’t ready to hear all of it. The complications that led to more complications were too much to drop in his lap right now.

“You had enough to deal with. This was my problem—”

“No. It. Wasn’t!” In all the years I’d known Evan, he’d never yelled before. My hands trembled in my lap as he shot up from his chair and made his way around his desk. He slapped his hands on the arms of my chair and towered over me. “I was the one who worried about you to the point of making myself sick. I was the one who loved you so much it gutted me that I couldn’t help you. But you didn’t love me enough to tell me the truth. And if that wasn’t bad enough, you pushed me away, took my key and threw me out of your life. What do I do with that Paige? How do I trust you—ever again?”

I took a deep breath and shuddered from the stinging in my chest. I told the truth, but it was too late. Like my broken body, our relationship was too damaged to get back to where it had been, to heal. He’d never understand my motivation, or how much I loved him. My jaw quivered as our eyes locked.

“Hey, Ev.” A knock on the door made us both jump back. The worker who let me in was standing in the doorway. “Two guys just dropped out of the Ferguson job. We’re already behind because the tile took so long to come in. Any way you can help?”

“Yeah, sure, Angel. A distraction would be great right now,” he answered. Angel left. Evan’s eyes were still locked on mine. “I’ll call you after I get back. We aren’t done here.”

I was fairly certain we were done, and I had no one to blame but myself. As I lumbered back to my car, I took comfort that maybe now he’d move on. That was what I wanted, right? He should have the chance for the happy life I couldn’t give him.

As I walked, my head got heavier and fuzzier, and by the time I got to my car, I was panting. I sat in the driver’s seat and tried in vain to put the key into the ignition. My shaking hand missed every time. I couldn’t even dial my phone, I screamed for Siri to dial Natalie.

“Hey, hon. How did it go?”

“It didn’t, that’s how it went. I told him the truth but he’s done with me. I don’t blame him and it’s for the best.”

“I don’t believe that. He’s angry, and he has every right to be, but he loves you—”

“Just leave it alone. It’s over. Listen, I can’t drive home. Could you come get me?”

“What’s wrong? Are you feeling all right?”

“No, Natalie. I’m too dizzy to drive, and I think I have a fever. My chest is killing me. Can you please take me home?” My voice cracked. I barely had enough strength to get my words out.

“No, I’m coming to get you and then we’re headed straight to the emergency room. Where’s your car?” I lifted my throbbing head to look around for landmarks.

“I’m on Colden Avenue in the middle of the block. I’m across from the pizza place.”

“I’ll find you, I should be there in fifteen minutes. It’s going to be okay, all of it. Just hang tight and I’ll be right there.” I nodded to no one as the call had ended.

I rested my head on the steering wheel and sobbed. I was sad and terrified. I had never felt so ill that I couldn’t make a phone call. I shivered as my face heated up; fifteen minutes sounded like an eternity now. Dr. Stephens said I needed to come in right away if I had a high fever. My head ached as my mind spun. What if I was at the point of no return? Lupus was checking off a list—joints, check; lungs, check; kidneys, check. I pictured an electronic grid, and all the systems shutting down.

My breathing was short and heavy as my hands continued to shake. Was I dying? Was I going to make it until Natalie got here? I made one last attempt to make a call. Through my hazy vision, I searched for Evan’s number. If this was it, or the beginning of it, I didn’t want to die with him thinking I threw him away. I would say I love you and hang up. It rang twice before the phone dropped out of my hands.

In the game of life, the final score was lupus 1, Paige 0.

Filling in for a couple of missing workers seemed like a good idea to get my mind off Paige for the afternoon. I didn’t realize my phone battery was low and it died about an hour after I’d arrived at the job. I plugged my phone into the car charger once I was back in my truck and headed home. It took forever to turn back on, but chirped as I pulled into a spot in front of my apartment. My stomach sank when I saw a missed call from Paige.

I was still so fucking angry. She lied to me and didn’t think it was a big deal. I was surprised to hear from her again. My phone was spotty with notifications, the call came in hours ago with no voicemail. I called her cell and her house phone. No answer. My stomach dropped when I saw four missed calls from Ellie over the course of the last two hours.

I stepped out of the truck and noticed Ellie walking up the block towards the front of my building. She ran to me when I screamed her name. Something was very wrong.

“Shit, Evan. I’ve been trying to get you for hours.” Ellie panted to catch her breath.

“I was at a job and my phone died. What’s going on? Is it Paige?”

“Paige is in the hospital. She called Natalie from her car around two o’clock because she was too weak and dizzy to drive. She was on Colden Avenue, right by your office.”

My eyes bugged out of my head. “Hospital? Why didn’t she call me? She had just left, I would have run right over.”

Ellie let out a long sigh and shook her head.

“She told me she came to see you, and it didn’t go well. Did she tell you everything?”

“She started to. I had to leave to cover at a job. She admitted she’s been lying to me all these months. She told me she has lupus, but she didn’t have a chance to go into detail. And she sure as hell didn’t tell me she was sick enough to have to go into the hospital. What the hell is going on, Ellie?”

Ellie took a deep breath and shook her head. “Lupus a very serious autoimmune disease that causes a lot of complications. My aunt has had it for years. Paige has known since her first appointment with the rheumatologist.”

“Yeah, she lied. Why?” I white knuckled the handle of my truck while I waited for Ellie’s answer.

“That is something she’ll have to tell you herself. I know you’re angry, Evan. We all are, she lied to everyone. But she needs you now. When I left the hospital they were transferring her to the ICU. She has pneumonia again, and is having trouble breathing.” Ellie ran her fingers through her short hair while her eyes filled with tears. “It’s so sad, Evan. She’s so weak. Before I came here she was crying for you in her sleep.”

I slammed the roof of my truck. Between the rage, the frustration, and the maddening helplessness, I was ready to blow.

“She never had to cry for me! I never would have left her side if I’d known. She’s all I want, all I’ve ever wanted! Fuck!”

I lowered my head as I contemplated what I should do. I spent all day angry as hell that she lied to me, but now I was terrified. As mad as I still was, Paige was my heart and soul; she always would be.

I’d had enough. It was time to get my girl back.

“Can you drive me to the hospital? I’m a little shaken. I’m afraid I’ll do ninety to get there.” The side of Ellie’s mouth turned up in a small smile as she nodded and motioned with her hand to follow her. We jogged over to her car in silence and quickly got in.

“What did she say, Ellie?” I asked as I gazed out the side window. Looking ahead at the snarl of traffic would only make my leg bob even more. I needed to get to Paige.

“When?”

“When she cried for me. What did she say?” Ellie gave me a teary smile.

“She asked you to sing to her.” Ellie bit her lip and swallowed as she turned back at the road.

I shut my eyes tight and tried to hold it together. She had to come back to me. There was no other option.

“Evan, thank God!” Tess ran up to me as Ellie and I got off the hospital elevator and buried her head in my chest. She looked up at me with glossy and tired eyes. “Did Ellie tell you everything?”

I nodded as we made our way over to the chairs in the ICU waiting room.“How is she?”

Tess looked down and shook her head.

“I keep asking. Last time was right before Ellie left to get you. They were waiting for the specialist, Dr. Stephens. We haven’t seen her in hours.” I hated seeing Tess like this. Jack used to call her General Tess to tease her, but now she was a broken mess.

“Hi, son. Glad you’re here.” John wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “She needs you.”

John was the only one in the room who didn’t look like they were about to fall apart. But, both his brother and his son died young. I supposed that desensitized a person to looming tragedy, even if it was his favorite and only niece.

“I need her, too.”

“Hi, I’m Dr. Stephens. I assume you’re all Paige’s family.” We all turned our heads at once. Dr. Stephens looked young, not much older than Paige or me. She gave us all a tight smile.

“Paige is settled into a bed and is still in and out of sleep. Her breathing is still quite labored and her fever is high. She’s still in a bad flare, and her immune system is very weak and open to other infections. She already has pneumonia. I’d like to do a lumbar puncture to rule out a brain infection. I won’t lie to you, her condition is critical but the ICU will give her very good care. She’s awake now if you’d like to see her. We’ll do the lumbar puncture in about twenty minutes.”

“Where’s her room?” Dr. Stephens grimaced at me.

“ICU is immediate family only.”

“He can see her. He’s family.” Tess gazed at me and nodded.

“ICU is through the automatic doors down the hall—” I was halfway there before she could finish the sentence.

I understood for the first time how my dad felt after mom died. Empty and broken, as though something hacked your soul to pieces and left you with nothing. But Paige was still here. I needed to show her I wasn’t going anywhere. That I would gladly go to hell and back for her, with her because she was it for me. My life. My soul. My Daisy. The one who made everything beautiful.

I ran up to the nurses’ station and tried to catch my breath.

“Paige Taylor. Where is her room?”

“Sir, are you family?”

“I need to see her, please.” The nurse pursed her lips at me and shook her head.

“I’m sorry, sir. Immediate family only. This is the ICU.”

I glimpsed the dry erase board next to her desk that listed room assignments. Paige’s room was right next to the nurses’ station. I rushed towards her half open door when a male nurse pulled me back by the arm.

“I’m not leaving.” I saw Paige over the nurse’s shoulder. She was lying with her hands on her face. “Paige? Daisy, it’s me!”

He rolled his eyes and looked around. “Sir, please. She’s a very sick girl.” He lowered his voice and nodded towards her room. “Just make it quick.”

I barreled through the door as Paige’s gaze met mine. Her face was wet, and her breathing was labored. Leaning on her elbows, she struggled to sit up. Seeing her this sick gutted me so badly my chest ached. Paige’s beautiful body was turning on itself and killing her little by little.

I stormed to her hospital bed, my fists balled to hide the fact my hands were shaking. My entire body trembled like a damn leaf. Every emotion crashed down on me at once.

I took her face in my hands “I love you, and I’m not going anywhere. Now, you’re going to tell me what’s going on. And why you lied to me.”

Paige lay back against the pillow and gazed at me with her eyes half shut.

“Daisy, I’m asking you to tell me the truth. From the beginning. Why did you push me away?” I pulled the chair next to her bed closer and took a seat.

“Because you deserve better than what I can give you. Don’t feel guilty, I want you to have a good life. Find someone who can give you all the things I can’t.”

“The only thing I want in life is you. No one else can give me that.” I smoothed the matted hair away from her forehead and kissed her temple.

“You told me you wanted a ton of kids.” Paige gasped to catch her breath. “If my kidneys don’t get better, they could fail. And I may not be able to have children. I saw you with Lucas’s kids, and how great you are with Jack. You should have that. If I told you the truth, you never would have left me. You would have given up what you really wanted without a second thought . . .” Paige took a deep wheezing breath. “You’re wonderful that way. I couldn’t let you sacrifice the life you wanted because of me . . . so I acted like a nasty bitch . . . so you wouldn’t want me anymore.” Paige’s chest heaved as her voice cracked.

I picked up her hand and held it between mine. I kissed her palm, and then each finger. “Didn’t work. I still only want you.” I narrowed my eyes. She bit her lip and let out an audible heavy sigh.

“You’ve taken care of everyone your entire life, and thought of yourself last. Your dad, Jack. You never really did what you wanted or lived your life for you . . . I can’t do this to you. You deserve better—what are you doing?”

I lowered the side rail on the far side of the bed. Careful not to mess with her IVs or oxygen, I climbed into the bed and wrapped my arm around her waist. Paige buried her head into my chest as her weak shoulders shook from sobs.

“Hey.” I tapped my finger under her chin. She lifted her teary gaze to mine. “Do you love me?”

Paige nodded as her jaw trembled. “Yes. Always.”

The side of my mouth turned up in a smirk. “So we’re not going too fast, after all?”

Paige smiled and shook her head. “I’d marry you tomorrow if I could.” Her weak hand cupped my cheek.

I turned my head to kiss her palm and reached up to run my thumb along her wrist.

“I’d love to marry you. We just need to get you out of here first. Plus, I need to propose the right way.” I ran my hand down her cheek. She shut her eyes as she leaned into my touch.

“Or finish proposing . . .”

I pulled her closer as she giggled through her tears.

“Picked up on that, did you?” Paige nodded as she snuggled into my chest.

“Maybe a couple of times . . .” I kissed her forehead and put my finger under her chin so she could look at me.

“I only want you. Everything else is a nice to have, but I need the woman I’ve been in love with for most of my life. I want a life with you, whatever it entails. I’m not going anywhere. I love you too much to live without you. So no more lies, okay?”

“Okay.” Paige gave me a light peck on the lips. I kissed her back as her whole body relaxed in my arms.

“I’m still really mad at you.”

She nodded. “I know.”

“You have a lot to make up to me. When you feel better we’re going to have insane, off the charts, make up sex.” Paige laughed around the oxygen filtering through her nose. I pulled her head into my chest again and rocked her back and forth. I sang All My Loving in her ear, and she collapsed in sobs before I got through even the first few lines. All my loving was for her, and it always would be. “And when I propose,” I whispered in her ear, “you’ll know.”

“Does your heartbeat still say ‘Daisy’?” Paige’s voice was scratchy and weak. Our conversation zapped all her energy.

I kissed her forehead. “It’ll say ‘Daisy’ until it stops beating.” She pressed a light kiss to my chest as her heavy breathing evened out.

“Paige, it’s time for the lumbar puncture.” Dr. Stephens walked in with two other doctors behind her and turned to face me. I expected to get scolded for lying in bed with her.

“You’ll have to wait outside. Should take about fifteen minutes. I made sure your name was on the list so you don’t have a problem coming back in.”

“Thank you.” I carefully stood from the bed and leaned in to give Paige a light peck on the lips. “I’ll be right outside, Daisy.”

“Okay. I love you, babe.” Her eyes shut as she drifted off to sleep.

“I love you, too.” I wasn’t sure if she heard me, but I took consolation that maybe now, finally, she knew.

As I strolled back into the waiting room, my stomach was in knots. Paige had enough to deal with right now; a brain infection was the last thing she needed. I was relieved she was mine again, but terrified. It was excruciating to watch the one I loved too weak to speak in a complete sentence.

Tess and John turned at the sound of my footsteps. We were the only ones in the waiting room since it was after visiting hours.

“She’s okay for now. They’re doing the lumbar puncture and we can go back in after fifteen minutes.” I plopped in a chair next to Tess and leaned my head back as I rubbed my eyes.

“Ellie said to text her. She had to go home to the baby.” I nodded and leaned forward, my elbows on my knees.

“I need to ask you both something.” I shared a look between Tess and John. They both narrowed their eyes at me.

“Once Paige comes home, I want to marry her. I’d like your permission.” Wasting time made no sense. All I wanted was to take Paige home and make her mine, permanently. The weeks we spent apart only made me that much more sure.

Tess grabbed my hand and squeezed. “Of course, you can.” She gazed back at John and laughed. “If it makes you feel better, you can say yes on Alex’s behalf.” John smirked as he shook his head at her.

“You have my permission, and you’d have my brother’s if he were here.” John put his hand on my shoulder. “Let me go call Marie and give her an update.” John squeezed my arm as he headed into the hallway.

Tess let out a long sigh. “Paige was the apple of her father’s eye. I hate that she doesn’t remember him. He was sure that she was a boy, even referred to her as Alex Junior for most of my pregnancy.” Tess laughed and shook her head. “I’d already said I wanted Paige as the name for a girl, but he was so certain, he shrugged me off. I suggested Alexandria as her middle name when she was born because I was afraid he was disappointed, but the second he saw her he was in love. This is the same hospital he died in.” She swallowed as she stared into space.

“So, from the time she was fourteen months old, I had to be mother and father. I was always tough on her, but she was too giving and trusting. Always let people get the best of her. I tried to toughen her up. And now look what I did? She was sick all that time and afraid to tell me. I practically had to force her.” Tess dropped her face to her hands as she cried. I wrapped my arm around her and rubbed her shoulder.

“Speaking as someone who lost both my parents the day I lost one, I think you’re an amazing mother. And so does Paige. She kept it from all of us because she thought she could fix herself and not worry us. You didn’t do anything but prove how much you loved your daughter every single day. You have nothing to feel bad about.” I gave her a wink. She chuckled and wrapped her arms around me.

“You’re a good son-in-law already.” I laughed as I hugged her back.

“Excuse me, ma’am. You’re Paige Taylor’s mother?” I recognized one of the doctors that came into Paige’s room with Dr. Stephens.

“Yes, how did the lumbar puncture go?”

“Dr. Stephens is still prepping for the procedure. This is a DNR form in case we need to put her on a respirator. Since you are acting as your daughter’s health care proxy, you would be the one to sign it.”

My own breathing caught in my throat as my heart pounded in my ears. “DNR? Does that mean what I think it means?”

John came back into the waiting room and put his hand on my shoulder as my blood ran cold. A doctor was asking Tess to sign a Do Not Resuscitate order for Paige.

“We’ll watch her tonight and see how she does but we need your permission in case we need to intubate. Some families are very vocal about not wanting extreme measures when a loved one is already so sick—”

The room started to spin. This couldn’t be happening. I looked up at John, silently pleading for him to tell me that I heard wrong, that Paige wasn’t sick enough for a doctor to ask Tess if they should keep her alive or not.

“John . . .” My voice quivered as shock jolted through my system. “I . . . I just got her back . . . she said she wanted to marry me. We . . . I was going to take her home . . . I can’t lose her. They can’t just let her go . . .” Tears pricked my eyelids and John wrapped his arm around me.

This wasn’t the first time John saw me breakdown. When I was seventeen, my father wound up in the hospital for alcohol poisoning after he almost killed a family with his car. The shame plus the anguish of never knowing when my father would turn up dead became too much to bear.

Just like all those years ago, John didn’t lie and say everything would be okay. He nodded, saying “I know, son. I know.”

Tess shoved the form into the doctor’s chest while she gave him a murderous glare. “We won’t need this, so you can take it back. My daughter isn’t a hopeless case. She’ll get better. She just needs to get through this.”

Tess turned her head to look at me and nodded. The doctor grumbled as he scurried away. Tess knelt on the floor by John and me, and took my face in her hands.

“No one is telling us to give up. I promise you that. She’s going to walk out of here and you’re going to marry her. Cheer up, cookie.” She kissed my cheek.

Paige once told me that her mother had the annoying habit of always being right. I closed my eyes and prayed my hardest that was still true.