Текст книги "Ever Enough"

Автор книги: Stacy Borel

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Текущая страница: 5 (всего у книги 18 страниц)

“Thanks for helping me out to your car and inside my house last night. I wasn’t sure how I got to bed but Harper told me what you did. So yeah, thank you.” I took a deep breath and looked out onto the nine-hole golf course the hotel sat on.

I heard Finn approaching and he stepped right up behind me, brushing his front against my back. He leaned down and his lips touched my ear. “You’re welcome Em.” He stood back up to full height and I waited for him to move away from me but he didn’t. He took a deep breath. We could hear the music loud and clear and he held his hand out in front of me. “May I have that dance now?”

I put my hand in his. “Sure.”

Grasping my hand he spun me around to face him. I lifted my other hand up to put up on his shoulder, while he simultaneously placed the hand he was holding on the other shoulder. God he was so much bigger than he used to be. Slowly raising my eyes to meet his, I saw him give me a slight smile. Finn rested his hands on my lower back just above my butt pulling me in tight against him. There was no way with me this close to him that he couldn’t feel my heart racing in my chest. I hadn’t felt him like this in so long and I couldn’t help but melt into his touch. Adele’s ‘Don’t You Remember’ had started to play over the speakers. It was as if someone up there wanted to make the mood even more intense. We swayed side to side as Finn hummed the song. His deep and gravely voice had always lulled me into a state of submission.

I couldn’t stand here and dance with the first man that I ever loved and listen to him sing to me so I interrupted. “So how is California?”

He stopped humming and looked down at me. “It’s been going well. Kyler and I have been writing like always, and we just bought a house together. It’s a different world out there. I’ve actually been thinking of buying a house back here so I have place to get away from it all, you know?”

“I’d heard you two were doing well. I’m happy for you Finn. I knew you would be successful and happy.” I looked back down at his chest and tried to keep moving to the music.

“That’s where you’re wrong Em. I’m successful yes, and Kyler and I make quite a bit off what we do, but whoever told you I was happy was sadly mistaken.” I tipped my head back to look up at him.

His eyes seemed to search mine for something, I just didn’t know what. “How could you not be happy? You’re writing music like you always wanted, you have a house, money,” I paused for a second and looked away, “and a beautiful girlfriend.”

He stopped moving and put his hand under my chin. “Look at me Emilyn.”

I didn’t want to, but I stared at him and waited for him to speak.

“Val and I are done. I was only with her because I was tired of feeling so lonely. Kyler is awesome and he’s like a brother to me, but something is missing.” He was watching me intently when he brought his hand up and he grazed his finger along my cheek. I closed my eyes tightly, trying not to cry at the contact. “How are you and Weston, Em?”

Why was he asking me this? Was I supposed to lie and tell him that everything was picture perfect? That we were a picture of marital bliss? That West made me happy and I couldn’t see myself without him? I’d never been able to lie to Finn with a straight face; he’d always seen right through me. I decided to tell him the truth, without going into details, “It’s been better. But all marriages go through rough patches. I’m sure that’s all this is. Weston is just really busy at the firm and they have been overloading him with clients. He’s just stressed out.” I was feeling a tad more emotional speaking about my marriage than I’d intended, but for some reason I wanted Finn to know.

The whole time I was speaking his eyes were bouncing around all over my face, and as I finished speaking, his hands moved to cup my cheeks. I shouldn’t let him touch me like this when we’re stood talking about Weston. And definitely not when he is the one man that could shatter me.

“Are you happy?”

I paused, “I have a beautiful house, a successful husband, money, health, family and friends that love me.”

“That’s not what I asked. I want to know if you’re happy. I don’t want a generic answer or what’s expected of you Em.”

I felt like I was two seconds away from collapsing to the ground and curling into a ball to protect myself from him. If I didn’t answer, I knew he would keep asking until I gave him the truth. Not trusting myself to speak, I shook my head.

He leaned forward to touch his forehead to mine; his eyes closed tight. Jesus he smelled amazing. I felt myself hold him tighter than necessary. “Fuck,” he said under his breath. He opened those bright blue eyes and they looked like there was so much conviction behind them, “I miss you Em. I mean I really miss you!”

That’s it, him saying the words I’d wanted to hear forever broke the dam and tears streamed down my face. I pulled my forehead from his. “How can you say that to me? I’m married Finn. You left me standing in the gym parking lot the night of graduation. I was a fucking mess after that night!” I was starting to get mad and so I stepped out of his embrace. Backing away and shaking my head, I raised my voice, “You don’t get to tell me you miss me Finn.”

He took a step towards me, causing me to step back. We made this move again and again, as if we were in some sort of messed up dance. I kept my eyes on him while he stalked towards me. “Stop” I whispered as my back reached the wall. My eyes were closed and I held my palms out in front of me in surrender.

Standing in front of me, he reached up and brushed away the tears on the left side of my face. I couldn’t fight it. I opened my eyes and looked up at his handsome face, I leaned into his hand and my body shivered involuntarily. He must have taken it as a sign because he immediately pulled me up against his body with his other hand. When he finally spoke, his voice was hoarse with emotion. “No Emilyn. I can’t stop thinking about you and I hate seeing you like this.”

That was all it took. I must have given him some sort of signal because the next thing I knew, his mouth was on mine. It started as a soft gentle brush of lips but built into a deeper, hungrier kiss. His tongue slid out of his mouth and traced my lower lip, causing my body to react. My hands reached up and grasped his shirt in clenched fists as I pulled him closer to me. I needed him, I wanted him. His kiss held more passion than I had remembered. The hand that had been on my cheek slid back into my hair and held my neck, while the other slid behind my back, pressing me as close to his body as I could get.

My mind was reeling. I knew I shouldn’t be doing this but I’d missed this feeling for the last ten years. The feeling of him pressed up against me, knowing that he wanted me, that he missed me! It was a heady feeling and I felt drunk on it. Our tongues moved and pushed up against each other and I moaned into his mouth. Finn sucked my tongue and I felt heat shoot through my body and I knew I was wet. I pulled back slightly and snaked my tongue out to lick along his lower lip. I wanted more. I opened my mouth more and pulled his lower lip into my mouth and nibbled on the soft flesh. Finn groaned into my mouth and ground his hard length against my stomach.

Oh shit, what was I doing?!

Stopping abruptly, I pulled my face away from Finn’s and shoved him away with the hands that were on his chest. He was quite a bit larger than me so I couldn’t move him much, but the force was enough that he took a step back. His face held a look of confusion and lust, and his eyes were wild. I wanted him to take me back into his arms and keep kissing me, but I knew I had to stop this. I wasn’t going to let him back into my life. Not like this, and not when he could totally crush me. I might not be living the perfect life but I still had Weston at home waiting for me. We had a lot of things that needed to be worked out, but I couldn’t give up on my marriage.

I needed to get away from Finn. His scent, the look on his face, the magnetic pull I felt towards him was too much. I had to get back inside and tell Harper we needed to leave… like now! Side stepping Finn, I darted for the doors.

“Emilyn, please don’t go.” Finn pleaded.

Making it to the doors I turned around, “I have to Finn. I’m not sure what that was that just happened but I do know that it was a mistake. It shouldn’t have happened and I need to go.” He looked crushed and that’s exactly how my heart felt at that moment. I needed to get out of there. I couldn’t believe I just let him kiss me. I had just cheated on West. I wasn’t sure how I was going to deal with that but I couldn’t think about that just then. Spinning back around, I opened the door and made my way back in, leaving Finn standing there watching me walk away.

I found Harper speaking to a group of people I didn’t know very well. They didn’t notice me approach so I managed to discretely get Harper’s attention. She could tell right away by the look on my face that I was about to fall apart. Giving me a slight nod, she excused herself and came over.

“Em, what’s the matter?”

“I need to get out of here. I feel like I can’t breathe and I think I’m about to be sick. Please Harper, let’s go get the car and leave.” I felt the panic creep up on me as I battled back the urge to fall to pieces in front of everyone.

“Okay honey, let’s go. Just hold on, everything will be okay.” She looked so worried and I saw her looking around for someone, but I didn’t know who. Her eyes stopped abruptly when they made contact with Kyler’s. His eyes shifted over to me and he could see the distress I was in. Kyler must have seen something on my face, because he turned and went out the same doors I’d just come through. I was sure he had gone to see how Finn was. I wanted to care about Finn’s feelings, but wondering if he was okay was too much to process. The tears threatened to spill out of my eyes for the second time, and I wasn’t sure I could hold them back much longer.

Harper and I made our way to through the hall to the lobby and out the front doors of the Hilton. The valet took our ticket and about three minutes later he pulled up in Harpers car. She tipped him and he held the door open for me to climb in. When we were both settled and driving away, she finally spoke. “Emilyn what the hell happened? Jesus fucking Christ, I wouldn’t have let him take you outside if I knew he would do this to you.”

I shook my head and turned my head towards the window, finally allowing the tears to fall. “It wasn’t him Harper. I just don’t think I was ready to see him again. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to see Finn.” I stopped and took a deep breath in and blew it back out. “I need you to drop me off at Mom and Dad’s. I need to leave tonight.”

“Em, you don’t have to leave tonight. Just stay and we’ll talk in the morning.”

“I can’t Harper. I need to go home and sort my head out. Please?”

She sighed and said, “Alright hon, I’ll take you home. Just breath Em.”

We eventually made it to my parents’ house and hugged tightly, saying our goodbyes. It wasn’t going to be easy explaining my sudden need to leave to my parents, but I had no doubt that they’d understand.

What the hell was I thinking? I stood out on the patio after kissing Em, after just letting her walk away from me. Well of course I let her walk away from me; it wasn’t like she was mine for me to be putting my hands all over.

Kyler walked out—probably looking for me—and saw the look on my face, paused for a beat trying to read me then asked, “You kissed her didn’t you?”

I just stared straight ahead.

“Jesus Finn, you dumbass! You kissed her didn’t you?” When I didn’t answer him he continued. “She’s fucking married man! What the hell were you thinking? She and Harper took off pretty quickly. Em looked upset.”

“I wasn’t thinking.” I felt defeated. Normally Kyler didn’t talk to me this way but after what I’d just done a verbal smack down was entirely justifiable.

He sighed and put his hand on my shoulder. “Well, what do you plan on doing?”

“I don’t know Ky. I’m sure she’s already on the first plane back to her husband.” I scrubbed my hand down my face. She was gone and I didn’t think I was ever going to see her again. What a way to burn yet another fantastic farewell into my memory. “I need a drink.”

“Now that I can help you with.” We turned and walked back inside. The reunion was still in full swing and no one appeared to have noticed what had happened between me and Emilyn. Nobody knew that I just made a huge mistake. I should have just talked to Emilyn instead of coming on to her. But I couldn’t help it. My Tiny Girl had been stood right in front of me and I’d wanted nothing more than to keep her safe and take away the hurt I saw in her eyes. But dickhead that I was, I probably ended up causing more.

I’d kept tabs on Em after high school, and had heard from several of my old classmates how hard she’d taken the break up. They said she’d stayed holed up in her house for months, and even when she did resurfaced she looked bad. She’d been thin, had dark circles under her eyes, and just looked plain miserable. I wanted to go to her so many times and tell her that I had made a mistake and beg her to take me back. I’d never told her why I left. I was hoping to tell her tonight. I knew she deserved an explanation. I didn’t know how she would have taken the information—or if it would have even mattered to her—I just knew I needed to tell her why. I knew I hadn’t handled walking away from her as well as I should have.

As I sat sipping my beer, my cell phone buzzed. I took it out and looked at it. It was from Val, wanting to know when I was coming home and if we could get together. I knew her song and dance. Valerie was a high maintenance girl who liked my title more than me. She liked to say that she was dating a songwriter, and rub elbows with the bands I worked with. It was never about me with her. In truth, I was using her as much as she was using me because I only really kept her around to pass the time. I didn’t feel like dealing with her shit right then, so I put my phone back in my pocket. I’d text her tomorrow.

Kyler and I stayed to hang out with Corey, Michael, and some of our other old teammates. I wasn’t the best company, but Ky made up for my lack of conversation. We decided that we’d head home the next day. I didn’t give a shit about this town without Emilyn in it, and I wanted to get back and write. Kyler would be back in town again in a couple of months because his Dad’s health was going downhill and he wanted to buy a place near his parents. I had a feeling he’d be looking up a certain realtor to help him find the right house. Maybe he could get some information about Em out of Harper. Call me a selfish bastard, but I’d do anything to get another chance to talk to her again. I needed to get a hold of Harper to see if she’d give me Em’s number so I could shoot her a text.

“Hey, I’m going to make a quick call, I’ll be right back.” I told the guys.

I stepped out on the patio where I’d just kissed Em. I had my resolve. I need to talk to her. I cheated by looking up Harper’s number online through her realtor website, and I hit talk. It rang three times before she answered. “Harper Graham speaking.”

“Hey Harper, it’s Finn. Please don’t hang up.”

“Boy you have some nerve calling me. What did you do to her?” She was pissed.

“She didn’t tell you?” I was shocked.

“No. She was a mess when we left and was tight lipped. She had me take her to her parents' house so she could pack and fly home Finn! Start talking.”

I told her everything that happened and when I was done, Harper let out a string of curse words out that made even me blush. “What the hell do you want me to do about this!? Don’t you realize the effect you still have on her?” She let out a frustrated sigh. “Listen, I don’t give a rat’s ass that she’s married to West. She’s too stubborn to give up on her marriage. But you pulling this shit is just going to send her in to a tailspin!”

“I just need her number Harper.” I wasn’t opposed to begging but hopefully she wouldn’t make me.

“If I give you her number, what are you going to do?”

“I just need to talk to her. To make sure that she is okay. Please Harper?”

“If she becomes at all like she was the first time you walked out on her, I will find you, tranquilize your ass, and tattoo “gay” on your forehead. Do we understand each other?” She was stone cold serious.

“I’m not trying to hurt her Harper, I promise.”

“Yeah well, you know what they say about the best laid plans…” She gave me Emilyn’s number—and threatened my life again—before we hung up.

I went back inside and told Kyler I needed to get out of there and get some sleep. We said our goodbyes and headed out. I decided to text Em instead of calling. I didn’t want give her the chance to hang up on me. My plan was set and I just wanted to get back to Ky’s parents' house to have some privacy in case I heard from her. Hopefully she’d listen to me.

Sitting on a United flight headed back to Chicago—a full day early—I had nothing but time to think about the events that occurred. What led to that mind-blowing kiss? Had I wanted it to happen? What did it mean? Why did Finn have to tell me that he missed me? I had no clue what I was going to do now. Did I ignore the kiss that rocked my heart and shattered the defenses that I’d taken years to build? I knew that wasn’t possible. As much as I didn’t want it to, what happened had meant something to me. It meant that he did still think about me, but how much? I was physically exhausted and on mental overload. I’d left my parents and Harper in the middle of the night to run home to what? If I stayed, I ran the risk of my heart taking over. And what I really wanted to do was find Finley and demand to know what that kiss had meant to him.

As we reached cruising altitude, exhaustion overtook me and I fell into a deep sleep that I so desperately needed. Drifting off with a mind full of unanswered questions, I took myself back to the time and place that Finley first captured my heart…

“Hey, how’s it going?” I heard from behind me.

I was standing by the bleachers next to the softball field, watching Harper’s practice. She was my ride home and I didn’t mind waiting around because it gave me a chance to finish any homework I’d been assigned that day.

Turning around, I looked into the most gorgeous pair of deep blue eyes I’d ever seen. I knew who Finley Morgan was; who didn’t know who Finley Morgan was? Unsure of how to respond to this stunning boy in front of me, I replied nervously “Good, thank you.”

His smile tipped up a bit, causing butterflies in my stomach. I gave a small smile back and looked down.

“I’ve seen you out here everyday watching the girls. How come you don’t play?”

Ummm because I’m uncoordinated, clumsy, and have huge paddle sized feet that I’d trip over, was what I really wanted to say but decided playing it cool would suit me best. “It’s Harper’s thing. I’m just here for support.” Smiling, I looked back up at him and added, “Plus she’s my ride home.”

By now he was giving me a full blown smile, and I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. Why was Finley Morgan talking to ME? He was one of the star football players, he talked to the cheerleaders and the girls in the drama club; in other words… the popular crowd. They were the crowd that Harper and I didn’t associate with much because those girls didn’t give us the time of day. Frankly I was okay with that because I had Harper and a couple other friends and that’s all that I needed. And did Finn seriously just tell me that he’d seen me out here? Since when did a guy like him ever notice someone like me?

“So what is your thing, Tiny Girl?” His eyes were dancing around my face.

OH MY GOD I THINK I JUST PEED MY PANTS! Finley Morgan just called me ‘Tiny Girl’. He actually gave me a nickname. Wait, why had he done that? Did he not know my name? “Tiny Girl?” I asked, feeling brave.

His smile dropped a bit and in that second I was willing to do anything to fix it. “Sure. I mean, if you don’t mind me calling you that? I do know your real name. Emilyn, right?”

I was elated by the news. I had no idea that Finn had even noticed me, let alone knew my name! “Yeah, it’s Emilyn and no I don’t mind, but why ‘Tiny Girl’?”

“Because you are quite the tiny little thing and you seem quiet and shy.”

Okay so he had me pegged pretty quick but I didn’t want him to think that just because I was those things or that I couldn’t take care of myself. Standing up straight I looked him square in the face. “Yeah well, the best things sometimes come in small packages. And being quiet isn’t always a bad thing. It makes me observant.”

Holding his hands up in surrender he chuckled “Okay, you’ve made your point.” Looking down at his feet, now he looked like he was the shy one. “So uh, do you think your friend would mind if I gave you a ride home? I mean, that is if you don’t mind me driving you.”

Was he for real? Who would turn down being in a car with him alone? “No I don’t mind. Let me tell Harper and grab my things.” Pushing away from the bleachers I made my way over to the fence and flagged Harper down.

“Oh my god Harper, Finley Morgan just came over here to talk to me and wants to give me a ride home!” I was practically bouncing up and down but I tried to keep my cool. I didn’t want to look like an idiot in front of Finn. “Are you cool with me leaving?”

She glanced over my shoulder with wide eyes. “You little slut!” She was grinning like a fool. “No I don’t fucking mind. Get ‘em tiger!” she teased, then added, “But I’m calling you as soon as practice is over and you WILL tell me everything!”

“As if you’d let me get away with anything else!” I hollered as I made my way back towards Finley, who was watching me intently. Was this really happening?

Grabbing my bag, Finn reached out and took it off my shoulder. “I’ve got this”, he said with a smile.

We walked silently to his dark blue mustang. He threw my bag in the back seat and we both climbed in. Starting the ignition, Linkin Park started blasting through the speakers. He looked a little embarrassed and turned it down. “Sorry.”

“No, don’t be. I love Linkin Park.”

Looking at me he smiled and said, “She’s cute AND she’s got good taste in music.” He shook his head and started making his way out of the school parking lot. I sat there stunned. I wasn’t sure I’d heard him right. Finley Morgan couldn’t possibly find me cute. I was just an average girl that tried to blend in.

I gave him directions to my house, and only five minutes later we were pulling into my driveway. Damn, I wished I lived further so I could stay in the car with him longer. We hadn’t talked much other than what kind of music we both liked, and now there wasn’t time for anything else to come up.

Not wanting this to feel awkward, I unbuckled my seatbelt and was about to reach for my bag when Finn leaned over the seat and grabbed it before I could. He must’ve been ready for me to get out so he could go home or wherever else it is he went after school. “Thanks for the ride Finn. I’m sure I’ll see you around school.”

Before I was able to push my door open Finn spoke up. “Hold on my Tiny Girl.” He paused and I turned and looked at his face. He seemed to want to say something else. “So I just get the ‘see you around’ brush off?” What more did he want? He couldn’t possibly want me to hang around so we could talk music some more. Not that I would mind. I didn’t even think he knew I existed, let alone having things in common.

“Well…yeah?” I made it sound like a question since I wasn’t sure where he was going with this. “Don’t you have other things you could be doing besides driving me around?”

“I’m sure there ARE other things I could be doing but I’m with you right now. And if you’re okay with it, I’d like to spend some more time with you.” My heart kicked into overdrive. “I was going to see what you were doing on Friday night. I thought maybe you’d like to come over to my place. I’m having a little get together with some friends and it would be nice if you were there.”

“Ummm…” It wasn’t that I was unsure—okay well maybe a little unsure—but this sort of thing just didn’t happen to me. Finn was part of the popular crowd. I truly didn’t get why he was asking ME to come over. “Well, I’ve never been to any of the parties before and I’m not sure I’d fit in… and if I go, Harper will be with me…” He interrupted me by putting his hand out and placing it on mine. It was so rough, probably from playing football. I felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the car, and I began silently freaking out.

“Relax Tiny, of course Harper is invited too.” He gave me a cocky smile. “Besides, I think Kyler may have a little thing for her.” Harper was going to crap her pants when I tell her! “Just come relax and have a good time. I promise you’ll have fun, and I really want you there.”

Deciding to just go with it, I gave him a definite ‘okay’. We smiled at each other and I got out of the car. Finn didn’t leave my driveway until I walked inside my house and shut the front door.

I woke up when I felt something bump into my arm. As I struggled to get my bearings, I noticed it had been the drinks cart coming through; my arm must have been sticking out into the aisle. I asked the flight attendant for a glass of water and sat there in a daze. It had been a long time since I’d dreamed about Finn. I know seeing him and sharing that kiss had opened the flood gates, and my memories began pouring through my mind. I felt so confused! I should have never let that kiss happen. I think deep down I knew that something would happen if I was left alone with Finn—whether was just a talk or something more—I just didn’t know if I’d actually wanted it to happen.

I sighed. I was a horrible person. I cheated on my husband and confessed to my high school sweetheart that I wasn’t happy with my marriage. I wasn’t sure how I would move past this, and how—or if—I was going to tell Weston what happened. I just knew that getting away from Finley, and leaving that town with all those memories, was the only way to gain some perspective.

Another hour passed while my mind reeled, and before I knew it we were making our approach into Chicago. I decided not to tell West what happened. We were struggling enough as it was, and I didn’t want to add to our problems. I would continue on like nothing happened and that kiss was just a mere accident. Problem solved.

Yeah right.

If I thought that I could forget about that kiss and how it had made me feel, I was extremely delusional!