Текст книги "Ever Enough"

Автор книги: Stacy Borel

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Текущая страница: 16 (всего у книги 18 страниц)

She wiped a stray tear from her cheek.

“I can’t Finn. I want to, but I just can’t.”

As much as I wanted to sit here and push her, I knew without a shadow of a doubt she was done. It didn’t mean that I was giving up on her—on us—but it meant that I needed to give her time. She was retreating into herself to protect her heart. This façade she was showing was one she needed for healing. And I loved her that much that I’d let her have that.

“Okay. Well could you do me a favor?” My emotions were bubbling to the surface. “Call me when you are being released. I’ll come and pick you up.”

“Harper’s coming to get me. I think I’m going to stay at her place for a while.”

“Em you don’t have to do that. I’ll stay out of your way. I promise you won’t even see me.”

“I think it’s for the best Finn.” She made eye contact and the beautiful blue was marred with sadness.

The conversation was done. She was saying she couldn’t live with me and she needed space. Living in that house by myself was going to be unbearable. But I wouldn’t give up on her. She was my life and I wanted to be with her forever. We would get through this, even if I had to help from a distance.

I lay in my bed at Harper’s house trying to think of something to do other than laying here. It’d been eight weeks since my son died. I felt much of the same hollowness in my heart that I’d felt throughout my life. In a sense, it was like saying hello again to an old friend. It wasn’t that I took comfort in feeling low, but that I knew how to cope with it. I’d lived with sorrow for so long that I almost didn’t know what normal felt like. I’d had brief periods of happiness while I was pregnant and I was living with Finn, but that was over—on both accounts.

While I lay thinking, Harper came in to my room and sat on the end of the bed.

“So what are the plans for the day? Toilet papering the old hag down the street’s house? We could graffiti one of the old train cars? Or maybe just the usual hate and discontent?”

I let out a small laugh. “What did the old lady down the road do to you to elicit a toilet papering?”

“She’s always staring at me with her stupid little squinty face when I drive by. She’s judging me, I can tell.”

“She’s not squinting at you, those are her wrinkles.”

Harper rolled her eyes. “Well, she needs to get a face lift then. She looks like she’s pissed off all the time.”

I laughed a bit harder. “You need help.”

“Whatevs.”

Harper smiled and shook her head before she turned serious. “So really, what are your plans today?”

“Do you have to work?” I asked her.

“Until three, but then I’m free.”

“Are you and Ky doing anything today?”

“Nope. He and Finn are going to his parents’ house for dinner. He asked if I wanted to go, but I think the whole ‘meeting the parents’ thing is a bunch of crap. We aren’t ready for that.”

“But you already know his parents.” I pointed out the obvious.

She looked at me like I’d grown a second head. “It’s different now Em. I’ve not been around them since I started dating him.”

Apparently Harper and Ky had been sneaking around since I moved in with Finn. But they hadn’t said anything until that day in the hospital when Ky announced his claim on her. As stupid as it was to me, it sort of melted her crazy heart. He came over in the evenings and would often stay the night. They both tried really hard not to show any sort of affection in front of me—not that I minded—but I think they thought I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing them holding hands or kissing. I was fine. They both deserved happiness, and I didn’t know two people that fit better than them.

“If you say so. I think I’m just going to stick around here.” I looked over at the clock by the bed. It was already eleven in the morning.

“How about I grab some Chinese food and we can have a Will Ferrell movie marathon and repeat stupid quotes all night.” She smiled at me.

“You got it Ricky Bobby! I guess I better get dressed for my date.”

Laughing, Harper got up from the bed and left my room.

It’d been getting easier to put on a happy front around the people that mattered. I saw no reason to drag Harper or my parents under my dark cloud. I behaved the way that I knew would make them more comfortable around me, but behind closed doors it was a different story. I was ready to find something new. In the many hours that I stayed in my room in the quiet, I’d thought about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Nothing would change what happened, and that was precisely why I’d made the decision to leave Mountain Home.

I got up, grabbed some clothes out of my dresser and took a shower. Standing in front of the mirror with a towel wrapped around me, a thought hit me. If I was leaving, I’d need to get my things from Finn’s house. I didn’t have much, but I’d left my clothes and some pieces of jewelry that I wanted back. As it happened, today would be the perfect opportunity to do just that. Harper was at work and Ky was at his parents’ house; as was Finn. I could be in and out in thirty minutes and I wouldn’t have to see anybody. I decided I would wait until just before Harper was due home since I wanted to make certain that Finn was at Kyler’s house.

Time seemed to tick by slowly. I paced the house at least two dozen times, cleaned the bathrooms, and baked a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Looking at the clock I saw that it was almost two. If I left now I could get there, pack a box or two and be back before Harper even got home. I grabbed my keys and walked out the door.

Ten minutes later I pulled into Finn’s driveway. I didn’t see his car anywhere. He wasn’t here. I got out of the car and used my key to unlock the front door. Emotions I’d suppressed began to bubble to the surface, but I quickly beat them back before they had opportunity to root themselves. Looking around the living room, everything appeared the same. Taking a deep breath, I reminded myself that I needed to get moving. Taking two boxes that I had brought in with me down the hallway, I walked into the master bedroom that had so recently been mine. I was shocked by what I saw.

Everything was the same.

The bed was unmade, exactly the way it had been the last time I was there. The dress that I’d worn—and haphazardly thrown on a chair in the corner of the room–hadn’t been moved. I slowly made my way into the bathroom and found the same thing. My toothpaste was on the counter with the cap off, my toothbrush next to it, and a towel lay in a heap on the floor.

Why had he left it like this? It had been at least two months since I was last here and yet it looked like I’d been there that morning. Any normal person would have come in here to clean the mess. In fact, I’d half expected to see my stuff already boxed up, and his stuff in its place. That was certainly not what I saw now. Snapping out of it, I reminded myself that it didn’t matter anymore. I’d box up as many of my things as I could and ask Harper to come get the rest. I was trying my hardest to not to feel, but it was becoming increasingly hard the longer I was in his space. Remembering what Finn and I had shared in this very room; the conversations, the physical contact… I knew I had to be quick; in and out before my emotions got the better of me.

I’d went as quickly as I could—rushing around the room, not even bothering to fold the clothes that I’d found in the laundry basket before I put them in the boxes. When I’d grabbed the last of my jewelry I closed the boxes, pushing the ends together and tucking one of the ends under the other to keep them from popping open. I really should’ve brought some tape. Oh well, I made do. Another glance at the clock had my heart racing. I’d taken much longer than I had planned and it was now ten to three. Harper would be home soon. She would be there before me so I needed to come up with story about where I’d been. I decided to say that I’d been to Beans to talk to Rose about returning to work; despite the fact that I had no intention of going back. In fact I’d already broken the news to my boss the week before. She understood my need to get away, and she said that I would always have a job there if I needed it.

I took one last look around to make sure I hadn’t missed anything that I couldn’t live without, before making my way out of the room with my box in my arms. The other was already on the couch waiting to be put in my car. I walked towards the front door but before I reached it, it was thrown open and a soaking wet Finn stood in front of me, shoulders heaving, hair dripping, and blue eyes that looked ferocious. What was he doing here? Better question, when the hell did it start raining? It was a shock to my system to see him again. I’d successfully managed to avoid him for the past two months and seeing him now—looking the way that he did—I almost faltered with my need to touch him and be near him again.

Finn’s wild eyes noticed the box in my hands and then the box on the couch. He turned back towards me with narrowed eyes, “What are you doing Emilyn?”

“I thought it was time I came and got some of my things. I don’t want to keep taking up space at your house. Plus I’ve missed wearing my grandmothers pearl earrings.” Excuses, excuses Emilyn.

“This isn’t just my house. I’ve told you before, it’s our house. So why are you packing?”

“Finn, I don’t live here anymore and you know it.”

The intensity in his eyes jumped a notch. “Yes, you do.”

Jesus, I didn’t come here to argue with him. He loomed over me as I walked forward and moved passed him. Making my way out the door I was immediately met by freezing rain. It was literally coming down in sheets. Not even three seconds outside and I was soaked.

Great!

Reaching my car I opened the back door and slid the box across the seat. I would be pissed if any of my silk shirts got wet. One box down, one more to go. Turning around I ran right into a solid wall of muscle. I started to stumble backwards but Finn caught me by my arms. The contact sent a jolt of electricity through my body, and a shock to my empty heart.

“Stop this.” He spoke loudly over the rain.

I was blinking rapidly while I looked up at him. The rain was pelting my cheeks and it stung. I welcomed the sensation.

“Stop what? Stop moving forward?”

“No! Stop pushing me away. Packing up your things isn’t going to make me go away. I’m here Em.” He released one of my arms and placed his large hand on my chest over my heart.

Now I was pissed. Using my full body weight I shoved against him. He barely moved. I started to grumble under my breath about damn men being too big and being stronger than me. He didn’t find it amusing, he just followed behind me.

“You’re not leaving Em.”

I swung myself around pinning him with my eyes.

“You don’t have a say in what I do Finley Morgan so back the fuck off!” I yelled.

“The hell I don’t! I told you, you are mine. Every single part of you. There is no walking away from us. And there is an ‘us’!” He yelled back.

“You’re delusional!”

He barked out a short bitter laugh. “No Tiny Girl, you’re just not seeing what’s in front of you.”

Just as I was about to say something back he lunged forward, grasping the sides of my face and bringing his mouth down on mine in a crushing kiss that took my breath away. There was no polite preamble to this kiss; it was all lips and tongues. He pushed his tongue deep in my mouth and I sucked it before I pulled back and bit down on his lip. He growled at me. The cold rain was pouring down on us but it felt good on my overheated skin. Without me realizing, Finn walked me backwards until I felt hard brick at my back scratching through my shirt. He pressed his hard body against the length of me and I could feel his arousal on my stomach. My hands were tangled in his hair and I pulled it hard, bringing him even closer to me. Letting go of my face and reaching down, Finn grabbed the back of my legs by my ass and hauled me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist and ground myself against him.

“Inside, now!” I said against his mouth.

The last thing I needed was the neighborhood to see what we were doing. He pulled me away from the wall and walked with me still wrapped around him. We continued to kiss as he made his way to the door. Fumbling with the handle, he got it open and walked us inside, using his foot to kick it shut behind us. My back found another wall and Finn pushed against me in the most delicious way.

Separating our lips momentarily, I reached down and lifted my shirt up over my head. He looked down at me and watched me with hooded eyes as I slid my bra straps down my shoulders and off of my arms. Using his hips he held me up so he could unclasp my bra and throw it off to the side.

“You are so beautiful.” He softly spoke.

“Stop talking Finn. I want you to fuck me. I need you to fuck me!” My voice was hoarse with desire.

His eyes flared, catching on to what I had just told him. Finn set me down on my feet. For a second I thought he was going to deny me, but he stopped in his tracks when I shoved my hand down the front of his pants taking hold of his erection.

“Oh shit.” He leaned forward, putting a hand up on the wall to support himself.

I was playing dirty and I knew it. Not caring at all, I stroked his cock; working it all the way to the tip and then motioning back down again. He rested his forehead on mine and I looked up through my lashes into his dark blue eyes. His pupils were dilated and hungry. He wanted me and I knew I had him. The atmosphere was filled with sexual tension; one of the only things I was willing to feel right then. My body had been amped up on Finn since he threw open the door ten minutes ago and told me I was his. As long as I was able to keep my emotions out of this I could do it. I had to do this. We’d been dancing around having sex for a long time now. If I really thought about it, it was all the way back since that night at the bar before the reunion. I wanted him then, and I wanted him now. I was done waiting.

Licking my lips, I let go of his erection and walked around him making my way to the bedroom.

“Where are you going?” He asked, sounding upset that I’d stopped what I was doing.

“Going to the bedroom. Come join me Finn.” I told him seductively.

“Wait. Em, maybe we shouldn’t do this right now. We have a lot to talk…” His words were cut short when I continued my track down the hall but peeled off my jeans and underwear.

“Not now Finn.” I called over my shoulder.

As I got to the bedroom he caught me and pressed himself against my back. Running his nose along the outside of my ear he said, “You don’t fight fair Tiny Girl.”

“Hmmm…” I shivered as his hands moved up my side and came around to cup my breasts. “I don’t want to fight at all. I just want you inside me. Now!”

He made a deep rumbling sound in his chest, spun me around and walked me towards the bed. When my legs hit the edge of it, I sat down and grabbed Finn’s still wet pants and unzipped them. As I pulled them off, his massive erection sprang free of his black boxer briefs. His cock was at eye level. I gave a wicked grin and took a hold of his erection and closed my mouth around him. Sucking him all the way in as far back in my throat as I could, I heard Finn hissed through his teeth. When I felt like I might start to gag I pulled back up, swirling my tongue around the tip of him and then went back down again. I repeated this motion until his legs started to shake and it seemed like they could no longer hold him up.

“Em you’ve got to stop or I’m going to come.” His breathing was sharp.

I let his cock go—my lips making a popping sound as I did—and gave him another sly grin.

“You’re enjoying yourself too much.” He smirked. “Scoot back on the bed.”

More than happy to oblige, I pushed myself back until I was up at the head board. Finn started to crawl up the bed towards me, his magnificent muscles working in synchronized movements. His shoulders flexed and his biceps bulged as he held himself over me.

“There’s no such thing as enjoying this too much.” I said as I reached up and ran my tongue over the stubble on his neck and chin. He was smiling.

He gently settled between my legs, placing himself right at my opening.

“God, you’re soaking wet already and I haven’t even touched you.”

“Then fucking touch me Finn.” I practically begged. My hips started to wiggle on their own accord desperately trying to get his cock in me. He reached down with his hand and I thought he was going to put his fingers inside me, but he grabbed a hold of my hip, stilling me.

“Em, listen to me.”

I was trying to squirm to get friction-any kind of friction-but he wouldn’t let me move.

“Emilyn.” He was grinning at me and the way that I wouldn’t hold still. My eyes were glassed over and I saw nothing but him. His full lips, his thickly lashed blue eyes, the dusting of a days worth of beard. It was all overwhelming and I was going to scream at him if he didn’t start fucking me right this second.

“Emilyn.” He said again. “Are you listening to me.”

“If you’re talking to me Finn, you aren’t fucking me. Now shut up and get inside me.”

He shook his head, his hair falling in his face. “You’re getting nothing until you look at me and listen.”

I was going to cry. My need was so strong and I could feel how wet I was. My clit was swollen and I knew I would more than likely come the moment he touched it.

“What?” I whimpered. “Why are you torturing me.”

He chuckled. “Why do you always think I’m torturing you?” His face turned serious. “I have to ask you if you are sure about this. I know it’s been a long time since you were with someone and I don’t want to hurt you.”

That’s why he was stopping? Oh for god sake I would put my own hand down there if he didn’t get this moving.

“You are torturing me by not giving me what I want. I want this, now!” I was a ball of pent up hormones.

Without any need for further convincing, Finn pushed forward in a sudden thrust, pushing himself all the way inside of me and filling to the hilt. The movement was so sudden and sharp that it caused me to suck in a breath, and tears pricked at my eyes. Though slightly painful, I was deliciously full and already wanted more.

“Are you okay?”

I nodded my head. “More Finn. I need more.”

He slowly pulled out of me before surging forward again, touching that spot that was deep inside of me. His movements gradually became more rigorous. He would bring me right to the edge of orgasm and then he’d slow. I wanted to scream and cry and yell at him to send me into oblivion but I also didn’t want this feeling to stop. In the midst of Finn’s movement my carefully constructed wall began to crumble. Wanting to keep this as strictly sex between us was becoming difficult and I found myself wanting him to make love to me. His fast paced thrusting slowed to deep languorous movement.

I was feeling everything; from regret, sadness, hurt, doubt, happiness, elation, joy… but more than anything I felt love. I didn’t recognize it at first but when I did, I opened to it. I had shut down after I’d lost the baby. Being here in this room—and as close to Finn as I could possibly get—I knew I’d never stopped loving him. I hated myself for telling him that I blamed him. Tears started rolling down my cheeks and I began to feel my orgasm build again.

Just then Finn shifted. He sat up with his knees tucked under him. He put his hands under my ass and lifted my hips so they were in the air. My back was slightly bowed off the bed. At this angle he was able to move inside me even deeper than he had before.

“Don’t cry Tiny Girl.” He pulled out and pushed forward again. “Please don’t cry. Just give it all to me… be with me. Let me love you.” He said.

“Oh my god I’m going to come.” My body started to shake. My vision went hazy and my eyes rolled back.

“I love you Emilyn. I love you so much.” He ground out.

Knowing it was Finn’s beautiful body above me, loving me like this, I went over the edge. I screamed out his name and came. Convulsions wracked my body and waves of heat and pleasure tore through me. My insides gripped Finn’s hard length and I felt him falter. One more deep thrust and he came. His body pumping fast, short movements as my sex squeezed every drop from him. He groaned loudly saying something incoherent, but I don’t think I would have understood it anyway. I was limp and incapable of anything.

He collapsed on top of me. I ran my hands up and down the smooth skin of his back until his breathing evened out. When he recovered enough, he pulled back and slid out of me. I felt empty and I didn’t like it. He lay down on the pillow beside me reaching over to hold my hand.

“That was more than I could have ever of wished for. You are amazing.” He said with tenderness.

“What?” I said with a yawn.

He chuckled. “Can I ask you something?”

I turned to face him. “Yes.”

“Why did you come over while I wasn’t here?”

“Because I didn’t think I was ready to see you. Harper told me that you were at Ky’s parents' house. It wasn’t like I planned on waiting until you weren’t home, but when she told me I decided to take advantage of it.”

He nodded. I knew I’d hurt his feelings by doing it, but he didn’t say so. He was rubbing his thumb on the pad of my palm.

“Did you really think I wouldn’t notice your things were gone?”

“No. But I have to ask, why did you keep the room like we’d left it that day?”

“Because these are your things. I’ve told you before, this house is yours too, and that means that this is still your room. I’d hoped you’d come back, so I left it all the way that it was. If you’re asking me if I went through anything I didn’t, I swear.”

“Oh, I don’t care if you did, I have nothing to hide. I just wondered why, that’s all.” I paused, loving the sensation of his hand on mine. “How did you know that I was even here?”

“Your very useful friend went home and noticed that you weren’t there. She went out and checked the coffee shop, and since you weren’t there either, she called Ky to ask if he might know where you were. I overheard the conversation and ran out of the house. I honestly didn’t think I was going to find you here, but I was relieved when I pulled up and saw your car. You probably should have left a note for Harper.”

“I hadn’t even thought of that that.” My work excuse clearly would have been a bust.

His hair was drying in all different directions. I wanted to run my fingers through it. Instead of overthinking it as I usually would, I just did it. He closed his eyes, enjoying the sensation.

“Can I ask you something else?” He looked like he was going to ask me something that was a bit more personal than just my whereabouts.

“Yes.”

“Just now, while we were together, why the tears?” His face searched mine. Probably for any sign that I might get up and run. He deserved to hear what I had to say though.

I rolled to my side. “Okay, truth time. I’m sorry Finn. My reason for coming here and taking my things was for a bigger purpose. These past two months I’ve been shut off from the world moving forward how everyone expects me too. It’s exhausting!” I exhaled loudly, taking the time to choose my words carefully. “Want more truth?”

“Always.” He said.

“I don’t blame you Finn. That day that Val showed up, I looked at her and I heard her. What she said rang true with me, I wasn’t good enough for you. Deep down I knew she was right.”

His brows furrowed. “That’s a load of shit and you know it.”

I put my finger to his lips. “Wait, I’m not done talking yet.” When he stayed quiet I continued. “I didn’t feel like I was good enough for you Finn and I never have. In high school those girls who had more than I did, were prettier than I was, told me enough times that I believed them. I never looked at us like we were equals. When you left on grad night, I should have never let myself go. I realize now that I should have picked myself up and gone after what I wanted. Don’t you get it? I’m the one that I should have blamed all these years! I let you go too easy. If I had ignored all the petty talk around me I wouldn’t have let you walk away from me without a fight. Now here I am ten years later and I’m doing the exact same thing! I’m letting some trash-talking, blonde bimbo scare me away from believing that I deserved more in my life. This,” I motioned between us, “What we just shared is something that I’ll never forget.”

He swallowed hard and I saw his Adams apple move up and down. “It’s something that you can share with me anytime you want Em.”

My eyes softened. “I’m so sorry for what I’ve put you through the past two months Finn. I’ve treated you so badly when you’ve done nothing but try to be there for me. Now don’t get me wrong, the lying and hiding things from me was not okay, but I accept your apology. But blaming you for losing my child and keeping you away from me is something that I’ll probably regret for the rest of my life. When my life was crashing down on me, you were my rock.” I paused to catch my breath. “What I’m trying to say to you is… I love you Finley Morgan, and I always have. You will always be the one great love of my life. Even after everything that has happened, over the course of ten years until right this moment, you will be my one and only.”

“Marry me Emilyn.”

My mouth dropped open. “What?”

“I said, marry me. I love you too. Be with me. Let me love you for the rest of our lives.”

I searched those piercing blue eyes for any sign that he was joking. He wasn’t, and I was about to crush him.

“Finn… I can’t.”

“Why not?”

I started crying. “The reason I’m telling you all of this is because I’m leaving. I’ve been thinking about this over the past few weeks and I think I need to leave and start over somewhere.” And before he could say what I knew he was going to I said, “Alone.”

“Don’t leave Tiny Girl. I just got you back in my life. Don’t leave me.” His voice choked.

Tears began flowing down my cheeks. “I love you Finn but I can’t. I’ve never learned to live on my own, to do things for myself without relying on the people around me. I need to go and be a part of this world and live in it. I’m sorry if you don’t understand it, but I need to do this.”

I leaned forward and kissed him softly on his full sweet lips. Lingering a little longer than my heart could have probably tolerated, I got up from the bed, pulled out one of his old t-shirts and a pair of jeans I’d left in the drawer. He remained still on the bed, in a state of shock. Before I left the bedroom, I turned around and looked at him one last time.

“I love you.” I whispered before I turned and walked out the door, leaving my heart behind me.