Текст книги "Ever Enough"

Автор книги: Stacy Borel

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Текущая страница: 6 (всего у книги 18 страниц)

I must have been in some sort of daze because I couldn’t remember the journey from the airport to my driveway. All I knew was that I felt exhausted. It was still dark and I sat in my car, trying not to fall asleep before I made it into the house. I got out of the car, grabbed my bags and made my way inside. West was probably asleep so I tried to be as quiet as I could. I just wanted a good night’s rest and then I could go about life as if the reunion never happened. My cell had been going off with texts from the moment I turned it on at the airport. Most were from Harper, one was from my parents—probably checking to make sure I made it okay—and two were from a number I didn’t recognize. I wasn’t in the mood to read them. I let out a long sigh and shut off my phone, placing it on the entry way table. Everyone could wait until the morning when I felt better.

As I walked down the hall I heard a noise coming from my bedroom. I stopped and listened, but all I heard was silence. Just as I was about to take a step forward I heard it again. My heart began to beat a little faster. Oh my god, was that a woman? What was a woman doing in my bedroom at two in the morning? I stood motionless, convincing myself I was hearing things in my tired state. No sooner had the thought crossed my mind, a female giggle came from behind the closed door.

I crept towards my bedroom door and listened. That’s when I heard West’s voice; he was speaking to someone. They were words that a husband definitely shouldn’t be saying to a woman who wasn’t his wife. I didn’t want to see what was behind the door but I knew my eyes would confirm what I’d heard. Slowly turning the handle I cracked the door open a little at first, then pushed it the rest of the way. I didn’t know what to make of the scene before me. There in my bed was a very naked West with Julia, our interior designer. She was half lying on the bed, her elbows on the mattress and ass in the air. West was behind her, fucking her like the bitch that she was. I couldn’t move. This was not something that I could process. Neither one of them had noticed me yet. West’s hand came down hard on Julia’s ass, and she giggled again like some neurotic school girl. The slap startled me. She looked over her shoulder at him, “You like it real dirty, don’t you Weston? I’m not your fucking wife, so fuck me like you mean it!” She practically purred at him.

Seeing red I turned on the lights and both stopped mid-motion. “What the fuck is going on here?” I bit out. Neither of them said a word, but at least West had the decency to move away from Julia, pulling a sheet around his waist as he did. The silence was doing nothing but pissing me off even more. “I said, what the fuck is going on here… IN MY BED!?” I screamed.

West started to walk towards me but I held my hands up to let him know he better stay where he was. If he so much as touched me, I couldn’t guarantee I wouldn’t murder him there on the spot. I had no idea what to do, or say. I felt bile come up my throat and I knew I was close to throwing up. I willed it to stay down when West finally spoke.

“Emilyn, what are you doing home?” I was still standing in the doorway with the back of my hand over my mouth. I looked at him when he asked the question but couldn’t answer. Without waiting for me to respond, he continued. “Listen, this was just a one time thing. I called Julia to ask her about possibly redesigning the wine cellar and she told me that she could stop by this evening. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

Wasn’t that what all cheating men said? ‘I didn’t mean for it to happen’ what a load of shit! Julia scoffed. I glanced over to see she was still lying in my bed. “West you might as well tell her everything. There’s no need for us to keep it quiet anymore. She’s seen us and we can finally be together.” She looked right at me while she spoke the words that I knew deep down were the truth. Somehow I knew that there was no way this was the first time they’d been together. West had been pulling away from me for quite a while. He’d spent a lot of late nights at his office and every time I would stop by to surprise him with lunch or just to see him, she was always there. I’d asked him about it and he always said she was redesigning another room in the office. I shouldn’t have been so naive. There were only so many rooms this woman could redecorate.

Her cold stare shook me from my silence. “You’ve been sleeping with her for at least two years now, haven’t you?” Shaking my head I turned away from her and looked at him, but he just stared at me. “You son of a bitch, we’ve been married for eight years West. How could you do this to me? To us?”

“Okay you know what? Fine!” he said throwing his hands up in the air. “I’m not happy Emilyn. I haven’t been happy for most of our marriage. I knew I needed a wife so the law firm here in Chicago would take me seriously. I needed them to see me as a family man that was dedicated and you fit the bill.” I stood there listening to him continue on, his words like ice numbing my soul. “You always seemed to just do whatever I wanted and it worked out perfectly for me. But give me a break Emilyn, you live in this multi-million dollar house, you can spend whatever you want, so don’t act like you’re unhappy.”

I watched his face closely. He couldn’t possibly be serious. “You think I’ve been happy? Do you even know me at all Weston? Your money means nothing to me?” My voice rose slightly with every word spoken. My body started to shake. I really felt like I was in some sort of alternate universe. This couldn’t be happening to me. “You’re standing there telling me that the entire eight years I’ve devoted to you, it has all been for show?” I didn’t give him time to answer before I asked the question that I knew would break me. “Did you ever love me West?”

Looking me right in the eye, he stated simply, “I suppose, for a short time. Or at least I thought I did.”

“Bastard.” The word was a whisper; barely audible. My life was crumbling around me and his stupid whore was still lying in my fucking bed! That was it for me. I turned and started to leave the bedroom. He followed after me as I walked into the living room and grabbed my rolling suitcase.

“Where are you going Emilyn? We need to talk about this.”

I gave a short mocking laugh, “No West, we don’t need to talk about anything. You seem to have made all the decisions in this marriage, and it’s apparent that that was all a big lie.” That’s when it occurred to me. I stopped in my tracks but kept my back to him. I had to ask him this final question, all the while knowing it was the blow that I would never recover from. “What about kids West? You said you wanted kids in the beginning and yet you kept pushing the idea away since we moved here to Chicago. Did you lie about that too?”

I heard him take a deep breath before he answered. “I want kids.” He thought about what he was about to say next. “I just don’t want them with you.” I leaned over and grasped the wall for support. “Emilyn, I think I’ve fallen in love with Julia. You had to have known at some point that this marriage wasn’t going to last. You were just a means to an end. I need a woman that can stand up for herself; someone with a backbone.”

Since I walked into this house and found the two of them, I hadn’t shed a tear. I didn’t know why, I just hadn’t. When the hateful words that came from both West and Julia were flung at me, I still couldn’t cry. But hearing that he had never wanted children with me caused them to prick my eyes. Having a family was something that I had wanted since I was a little girl. We all dream of our future husband, house, and kids. Now the bottom had fallen out of my dreams, and I felt like I had nothing left. I squared my shoulders and stood tall. I wouldn’t show that to West, not now and not ever again! He would never have the satisfaction of seeing another emotion from me. I’d never hated anybody before. I’d strongly disliked some people, but in that moment I truly hated West. Any feelings of love I had for him were gone. It really felt that easy for me.

Taking slow and deliberate steps forward I said, “How’s this for a backbone… you and that bitch can have each other. You are a lying piece of shit that used me only to serve whatever purpose you needed. I won’t allow you to walk all over me West. I’m better than all of this and I’m better than you. I suggest you hire a good divorce attorney, because I have no doubt the judge will see right through you.” I’d never spoken to anyone that way before. I thought it would feel good to stick it to him, but I felt nothing.

Julia came walking through the hall in a skimpy little silk baby doll telling West, “Let her go. She’ll never get anything from us. Come back to bed baby.” She had reached for West’s hand.

Oh I was going to kill her! I started to move forward ready to throw the skinny little bitch to the ground, but she squealed and West pulled her behind him. I stopped my forward motion. I couldn’t do this. It wasn’t who I was, and definitely not who I wanted to be. I needed to leave before it got even uglier.

Turning on my heels I grabbed my suitcase, phone, and purse and made my way out the front door. I could vaguely hear West yelling out the door that I’d never get anything from him—along with other hurtful words about me being worthless—but I couldn’t absorb anything.

Getting in my car I only had one choice of where to go. I called the airport and booked a flight back home to Idaho and called Harper. I was sure an army would have struggled to prevent Harper from flying to Chicago and taking West out, but I think she was able to tell from my tone that I couldn’t handle any more drama and so she let me have that. I gave her my flight information and told her that I would be staying at a hotel until I was ready to fly out so I could get some sleep. She said she’d meet me at the airport and then rung off, but only after I’d promised call her before I left Chicago.

I booked myself in to a hotel right next to the airport and settled in to my room. There was no way I was going to sleep. I threw up as soon as I made it in to my room but managed to drag myself out of the bathroom before collapsing on the bed. Staring up at the ceiling, I tried to make sense of what had just happened. I knew I felt sad about the crumbling of my marriage, but deep down I knew I wasn’t as upset as I should have been. Rather than focusing on West and Julia, my mind kept wandering back to Finn and how I’d left him. I also thought about that baby that I was now thankful I’d never conceived with West. No child should ever come from a broken home. I started to second guess my ability as a potential mother. I questioned how I would ever make someone happy. I couldn’t hold on to Weston, and Finn had left me. Maybe I was destined to be alone. The two men that had held my heart had walked away from me and I wasn’t sure that I could recover from that. I rolled over unsure of how to move forward. I needed my best friend and my family. My heart needed to be around people that loved me unconditionally.

As I started to doze off, I remembered the text messages I’d received at the airport earlier. Grabbing my phone I clicked on them. The first was from a number I didn’t recognize.

Emilyn, pls txt me back and let me know you are okay.

What the heck? Who was this? I clicked on the next one.

Em, its Finn. I just want to know you made it home safely. Pls txt me back.

How did Finn get my number? Of course… Harper would’ve given it to him. I wondered what he’d had to do to get it out of her. I knew he’d probably text me again soon if I didn’t respond, but I didn’t want to talk about what happened. I text him back, hopefully holding him off.

I’m fine. Home safely. Thanks for checking. Tired. Goodnight.

The response was immediate, and I wondered if he’d been waiting on my text.

Wait, can we talk?

Finn, I’m really tired. There’s nothing to talk about. Pls let’s forget what happened.

Fine. You can go to sleep. But this conversation isn’t over Em. We have a lot to talk about. Goodnight sweet dreams. X

As if I didn’t have enough to think about. What did ‘x’ mean? Did he do that at the end of all his texts? And what’s more, Finn wanted to discuss what had happened between us tonight. Or was it last night? It was so early in the morning, I didn’t know. Time had blurred together and I really needed to get some rest. Lying in the hotel bed for over an hour, the early morning light seeped through the heavy curtains before exhaustion finally overtook me.

It’d been two weeks since I had left Chicago—and my cheating husband—behind. Harper met me at the airport like she said she would, and she took me home with her. I didn’t want to go to my parents’ house. I knew that they loved me and I would have been more than welcome to live with them again, but nothing screamed failure to me more than getting a divorce and moving back in with Mom and Dad at twenty-eight. My mother begged me to come and stay with her, but after some convincing—and my Dad talking to her—she understood that I just needed some time and Harper was an excellent support for me. Finn continued to text me and even called a few times. I cleared the calls and sent him short texts back to try to keep him at bay. I still wasn’t ready to hash out what had happened between us, nor did I want to tell him about my failed marriage. But I didn’t know how much longer he was going to let me push him away before demanding answers, or going to Harper.

A week after I’d arrived back home, there’d been a knock on the door and Harper had answered. She called me over because there was a cop asking for me. Apparently my soon-to-be-ex-husband couldn’t wait to be rid of me and had gone ahead and filed divorce papers. I was being served. Once the shock wore off I realized I needed to do something to keep myself busy, and I needed to start putting my life back together. I needed a job and eventually a place of my own. Harper insisted that she loved having me around—I enjoyed being there too—but I didn’t want to overstay my welcome. We may have been best friends but we weren’t college kids anymore. We were older now and had our quirks. I’d been helping her out around the house by cleaning and making dinner for when she got home in the evenings.

A few days after being served, I went out and hired a lawyer that my Dad had suggested. Because West filed in Chicago, we had to abide by Illinois state law. Fortunately the lawyer that I hired had passed his bar in that state so I felt confident in his abilities. Harper thought I should take West for everything that I could. Part of me really did want to take him to the cleaners for lying to me for so many years, but I couldn’t help but feel like maybe I’d deserved what happened to me. I lost myself at some point during my marriage. I didn’t think I’d ever fully given myself to West. After Finn, I’d closed my heart, scared to feel any semblance of real love. I’d known that I would never survive another heart break like that and so I guess that made me selfish; for never fully investing in my marriage. Part of me thought that maybe West was right to leave me. I couldn’t forgive him for stringing me along for eight years, or for cheating on me. He should have let me go before he decided that he wanted to be with Julia. I’d despised that woman from the moment I met her. Oh well, they deserved each other. Julia could have him and his money. I didn’t want anything from him, except to erase him from my life. Fortunately West’s connections meant that the divorce would likely be over and done with fairly quickly.

“Hey, so what are your plans for today?” Harper asked me while fixing herself a cup of coffee.

“I have an interview at the coffee shop in town, and then I’m going to the doctor’s office for some testing.”

“What kind of testing?”

I was sitting at the table in the kitchen and let out a long yawn. “The STD kind of testing. After catching West with Julia, I have no way of knowing if he’s been with anyone else.”

Harper put a lid on her coffee cup, and gave me a sympathetic look. “Well when you get an answer, give me a call. I’m worried about you. Oh and good luck on your interview. I still don’t know why you’re getting a job when you don’t need one. Just suck the bastard dry.” I heard her grab her keys and open the front door. “I’ll be home around six.”

“Bye” I yawned again.

I had a few hours before my interview so I decided to bide my time and take a nice long hot bath. I grabbed my favorite romance novel, ran some steamy hot water, piled all my hair on top of my head and slid in the tub. I pressed play on my iPod and ‘Innocence’ by Avril Lavigne floated out of the speakers. As I allowed my body to relax, my mind drifted to Finn. A few days after I had moved in to Harper’s place, she’d told me that Finn had headed back to LA the day after the reunion. She’d wanted to speak to him about why I’d left so abruptly, but when I’d called her that night and told her about catching West in bed with Julia, she decided to let it go. I’d told her everything about what happened leading up to the kiss, and what I saw when I got to Chicago. She cried right along with me while I poured my emotions out. She’d asked me a few times since then if I’d thought about calling Finn to tell him what happened with West. Honestly I had, but what would I say to him? That I hadn’t completely given myself to my husband because I was still hung up on him? That I’d failed in my marriage and no one wanted me? That I couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss and how it woke up something in me that had been long buried? That I missed him?

No I couldn’t call him. Finn had his own life and I couldn’t just call him and expect him to stop what he was doing to come play the white knight to me. I needed to live on my own and figure out what I wanted out of life.

I wasn’t sure how long I lay in the bath but I must have dozed off. My cell phone buzzed from where I’d left it on the toilet seat and woke me. It was a text from Harper. She was letting me know that she would be about an hour late because she had a showing. Getting out of the tub I went to my room to get dressed. I didn’t want to be overly dressy for the interview since it was just the coffee shop but I didn’t want to appear unprofessional. I chose to wear a loose fitting blue top with three-quarter length sleeves that matched the color of my eyes, and a pair of black dress pants with black flats. Better to appear professional than sloppy was always my Mom’s motto.

Grabbing my brush I worked it through my hair and decided to leave it down. I glanced at the clock I saw it was time to go. I took one last look at myself in the mirror. Ready or not, this was as good as I was going to get.

When I arrived at Beans about ten minutes later, I was instructed by the young girl behind the counter to sit and wait for the manager. I took a seat by the window in a plush red chair and looked around. Some things had changed since I’d last been in there, but for the most part it was still the same. The aroma inside was intoxicating; wonderful, deep roasted coffee. The kind that when you smell it you want to take in a deep breath and say ‘ahhh’ as you exhale. The atmosphere had a calming effect. It made you want to sit in one of the many comfortable couches and chairs and bust out a book or a laptop. Every spot to sit was strategically placed as to allow privacy while chatting it up with friends, reading, or simply relaxing while sipping a latte. Outside there were a couple of metal tables with chairs for those that wanted to enjoy their drink while sitting in the warm sun.

The manager came out from the back and approached me with a warm smile and a handshake. “Hi, you must be Emilyn. I’m Rose, the owner here at Beans. Sorry to keep you waiting, I was placing an order for more supplies.”

Rose looked to be about forty, and had small laughter lines around her mouth. She was small in stature with short black hair, and eyes that looked almost black. She wore a long, colorful, bohemian-type skirt and a white puffy shirt that showcased a beautiful large silver pendant necklace. She was just what I’d pictured the owner to look like. After a few short seconds of looking her over and feeling more at ease, I replied “Yes I am and it’s no problem, I haven’t been waiting long.”

She looked down at my application, scanning through it. Taking her red-rimmed glasses off her face, she started her questions. “So I see that you haven’t worked in quite a while. What have you been doing the past few years?”

“Well, I’ve actually been living in Chicago for the past seven years with my husband. We recently decided to separate so I moved back home.” I sat up a bit straighter, feeling uncomfortable about sharing my personal life with a stranger. “But when I was in Chicago I stayed at home because that’s what my husband wanted.”

“Oh, you were married to one of those men?” She gave me a knowing nod.

“Umm…I’m not quite sure what you mean?”

“I’m talking about the type that expects you to be the perfect Suzy Homemaker, while he goes out and earns all the money like the big man that he thinks he is. Yeah, I was married to one of those too. Left his ass as fast as I could and showed him just what kind of woman he actually married by opening up this place.” She was grinning at me now.

Unsure of what to say to all of that, I smiled back at her and gave her a face that said ‘don’t you have anymore questions to ask me besides talking about my upcoming divorce’?

Rose was clearly a bright woman because she picked up on my unease and quickly moved on. “Do you have any experience in a coffee house, or customer service?”

“Not in a coffee shop, no. But I did deal with my father’s clients that came in and out of his law firm. It was a while ago, but I’m very good with people.”

“Okay, I’m going to give you the position.”

I stared at her with a confused expression. “You’re giving me the job?”

“Yes. The job is yours if you want it. When do you think you can start?”

Completely taken aback by this news, I was rendered speechless. I’d barely even told her anything about myself. I hadn’t worked in years, I had no experience, and yet she was offering me the position. “Oh, umm…I can start right away, as soon as you need me.”

“Can you start tomorrow? We can get you started training on the espresso machine and working the cash register. How about nine? That way our morning rush is over and we can take our time so you won’t feel overwhelmed.”

“Wow, yes, thank you so much! I’ll be here at nine.” I stood up when Rose did and reached out to shake her hand again. I was grinning ear to ear. I’d seen on the news how the job market was not the greatest so I hadn’t expected it to be so easy. Although I had a feeling she only hired me because she thought we had something in common with bad ex-husbands, a job is a job and so I accepted it for what it was and began to get excited about this new prospect.

Rose walked away in to the back room and I made my way from Beans to the doctor’s office. My mind was all over the place. I knew this job wouldn’t pay all the bills and it certainly wasn’t what I saw myself doing in the long term, but it was a start. I knew I could keep living with Harper but I’d have to insist on paying for things; even if it was just buying the groceries or paying the electric bill. I knew she’d fight on it but I wouldn’t have it any other way; even if I had to threaten to move out. I knew she loved me and was trying to be a good friend but I couldn’t learn to stand on my own two feet if she wouldn’t let me.

I had an appointment with my lawyer this week as well. He wanted to go over what assets I wanted to request in the divorce settlement. I’d planned on asking for my car to be sent down to me, but I found out that Julia had been driving it and so I no longer wanted it. In fact I didn’t want anything except for Weston’s signature on the bottom of the forms. He could keep the alimony, the house, the furniture, all of it. I just needed it to be done with. Talking with my lawyer about things I shared with West had been hard. It was a reminder of how I’d failed. Thankfully all the documents would be filed and the divorce would be settled in two weeks. I could move on and no longer have daily reminders of what I’d lost.

I made it to Dr. Monroe’s office ten minutes before my appointment, giving me time to fill out the necessary papers and provide them with a brief rundown of my medical history. After I gave them a urine sample they drew my blood, took my vitals, and put me in a room with a medical exam table. I sat down on the paper that covered the table, looking about the room. It was all pretty standard. Jars filled with tongue depressors, cotton balls, and q-tips sitting on a counter by a sink. Winnie the Pooh characters covered one of the walls to help keep little kids occupied.

I’d only been sitting for five minutes when the doctor knocked and came in. He was an older man, short in stature, with pure white hair. He had a very friendly face and when he smiled I could see he had a slight gap between his teeth. He was holding what I assumed to be my records. After introducing himself, he began sorting through some papers and began asking with some basic questions.

“You’re here for STD testing, is that correct?” He stood and came to listen to my heart and lungs with his stethoscope. I took a deep breath, because well, wasn’t that what everyone did when someone puts a stethoscope on your chest?

“Yes that’s correct.”

“I know this may sound intrusive, but do you have more than one sexual partner?”

“No sir.” He helped me lie down so he could palpitate my stomach and listen to the sounds as well.

“Hmmm… okay. Well I have your preliminary test results.” He turned to take a seat on his rolling stool.

Oh thank god! I was going to get answers. He startled me by asking me “When was the first day of your last period Emilyn?”

Unsure I started thinking back. Why was he asking me that question? “I think it was about four weeks ago. I haven’t had a period yet but I just assumed it was because I’m a little stressed out and have a lot going on.” I started biting at my lip, a habit I had when I was feeling nervous.

“Well, I see that you checked the box that you are married, maybe you should call your husband in to hear this news.” He was looking at me with curiosity and I had no idea why.

“Actually I am in the middle of a divorce, which is why I’m here getting tested. I need to know that whoever he was with was clean.” His eyes grew wide, but he quickly pieced together what I was telling him. Then something occurred to me. “Oh my god, did you find something in those tests? Do I have a lump somewhere? Am I dying?” I was panicking! I was too young for cancer. But that’s what everyone that gets cancer says. They never thought it would happen to them. Feeling myself beginning to panic attack I said with a shaky voice, “What did you find? I don’t need anybody here with me, please just tell me.”

“Your STD test results will take about a week to come back, but I did find something.” He paused. “Emilyn we ran a couple of our usual tests on your urine sample checking for things like dehydration, elevated white cell count, pregnancy, proteins, etc.” He took a long pause glancing back down at my paperwork. “Emilyn, you’re pregnant.”

I wasn’t sure that I’d heard him right. “What?” He repeated that my pregnancy test had come back positive, and that they were scheduling me for a full exam to make sure everything was okay and estimate a due date. I felt like my whole world had flipped upside down. I couldn’t possibly be pregnant; I was getting divorced from a man who never wanted to have children with me. I’d always wanted to be a Mom but not like this, not in a broken home. And any child deserved more than a broken mother. How had this happened anyway? I was on birth control and that was supposed to be like ninety-nine percent effective.

“Emilyn, I realize you’re probably feeling a bit shocked. I am assuming your ex-husband is the father?” I nodded. “Well, maybe you should give him a call when this news settles in. In the meantime you need to make sure you’re getting plenty of rest, drink lots of fluids, and make sure that if you experience any extreme cramping or bleeding, you call right away.”

I nodded again feeling at a loss for words. Then my head snapped up as suddenly remembered something. “Umm… Dr. Monroe?” He looked up at me. “I was in town not too long ago for a class reunion, and I may have had too much to drink. Could that have hurt the baby?” I might not be sure how I felt about being pregnant, but I hoped I hadn’t drowned it with alcohol!

He gave me a slight smile, “I’m sure everything is fine. You haven’t shown any signs of miscarriage, and that early in pregnancy, you had no way of knowing. It happens to a lot of women. The first trimester can be nerve wracking. I’ll send you home with some information, and a prescription for prenatal vitamins. Check out with the receptionist before you leave so we can schedule to see you and nail down a due date.” He started to stand up to leave, “Oh and Emilyn, this is a good thing. I’m sure you’re having a hard time processing this information given your situation, but babies are a blessing. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.” With those parting words, he walked out.

I gathered my things and walked back out to the reception to make a follow-up appointment and to get my STD test results. I had barely processed a thing. I knew what he’d said but it just wasn’t sinking in. I scheduled an appointment for the middle of the following week. I was struggling to get my head around the news. In addition to the birth control, West and I hardly ever had sex. I needed some convincing that this was true. I got in my car and drove to Walgreens. I went straight to the back to get my prescription and three different brands of pregnancy test. The cashier looked at me curiously but didn’t say anything, which was probably a good idea because I wasn’t sure how I would’ve reacted if she had.