Текст книги "Ever Enough"
Автор книги: Stacy Borel
сообщить о нарушении
Текущая страница: 7 (всего у книги 18 страниц)
I didn’t know how I made it all the way back to Harper’s house. I walked in and went straight to the fridge to drink half a gallon of orange juice; hoping it would make me produce enough pee to practically fill the tub so I could take all these damn tests. Deciding it would be best to pee into a cup, I grabbed some disposable ones from the cupboard and went to the bathroom to do my business. About thirty minutes later I was sitting on the bathroom floor surrounded by pregnancy test wrappers, open instructions, and cups of pee on the counter and edge of the tub.
Eight tests.
Eight positive results.
There was no denying I was pregnant. I had no idea what I was going to do. How was I supposed to tell West? He’d told me that he never wanted kids with me before I walked out, so how the hell would he take this news? Should I wait until I was out of the first trimester to call him? But, then the divorce would be over and I wouldn’t receive any child support. Did I even want child support? What if West decided that he wanted to be a part of the child’s life—or even worse—wanted custody?
I’d been having so many conversations in my head that I jumped when Harper called out my name. How long had I been sitting there? I looked over my shoulder and saw it was dark outside. Picking up my phone, I saw that it was almost seven o’clock. I’d been in there for over three hours. When Harper came and stood in front of the bathroom door, her eyes widened in shock and her mouth dropped open.
“Holy fuck,” was all she said, while she stood still looking around the room at all the pregnancy test paraphernalia. “Em, what is all of this?”
I cleared my throat and simply said, “Well I went to the doctor today. I won’t find out the results of the STD tests until next week.” I laughed bitterly. “But the doctor found something else in my tests.” And I said no more. That’s when Harper made eye contact with me and I burst out crying.
“Oh shit, honey it’s okay.” She dropped to the floor and held my head in her hands, hugging me against her chest while I clung to her and cried my eyes out.
“It’s not okay Harper. What am I going to do with a baby? My life is a mess, and now I’m going to throw a child into the mix.” I chocked back a sob.
She kissed the top of my head and pushed me away by my shoulders to look in to my eyes. “Your life is not a mess. You are climbing over a hurdle but you will move on from this. We’ll deal with it together. I’m not walking away from you. And even if we look like a couple of lesbos raising a baby together and all that hippy shit, then that’s what we’ll do.” I couldn’t help myself, I started laughing and Harper soon followed. How was it that she knew how to make me laugh when I felt like my life was on the brink of collapse? I was really fortunate to have Harper in my life. I loved her.
When we settled down, I glanced around and felt the mood shift back to being serious. “I don’t know how I’m going to tell West, Harper. I have a feeling this isn’t going to go over well.”
She sighed, knowing I was right. “Well, he doesn’t have much choice in the matter. We will call him in a couple of days. Do you have a due date?
“I go in next week to find out.”
“How about we call him together when you find all that out and if it becomes too much, I’ll take over the call?”
“Okay.” The tears began to prick my eyes again, but I didn’t want to cry anymore. “Tell me something—anything—to help take my mind off of this.”
“Anything?” She asked inquisitively. I couldn’t read her face.
“Yes, please!”
“Okay then. Well here’s something you didn’t know. I had sex with Kyler in high school.”
I wasn’t expecting that. “What the fuck Harper?!”
“What? You said anything? Plus you wanted to know what was going on between him and me at the reunion. Now you know” She said this all too casually.
“I realize that, but why are you just now telling me this? Don’t you think you should have said something about it oh I don’t know… in high school?!”
She shrugged her shoulders. “I didn’t know what to say. It just sort of happened and I wanted to forget all about it.”
“When?”
“You remember when I stayed home from school after the triplet bitches took that stupid picture of me?” I nodded. “And you know that Kyler came over to my house to talk to me?” I nodded again. “Well it happened that afternoon.”
“Jesus Harp. You should have told me. We’ve never kept secrets from each other.” She was looking down. “Wait. You’d never slept with anyone before. Did Kyler take your virginity?”
She shrugged again. “Yeah, but it’s not a big deal. I don’t know why girls always make such a stink about their first time. It’s just sex.”
I was getting the sense that it was a bigger deal than she was trying to make out. I’d known Harper far too long for her to be able to play something like this off, despite managing to hide this from me for all these years. “Did Kyler know it was your first time?”
“Yeah, he was worried about hurting me. I knew he liked me and that night when he came over, we talked for a long time and we just clicked. He was nervous about taking my virginity because we weren’t even in a relationship. He tried to talk me into going out with him. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and I thought it was the right time to hand in my V-card, so we did it. He wanted to do it again a few days after the first time but I told him it’d been a one-time deal.”
I had a feeling this was so much more than just handing over her virginity to Kyler. “Did you like Ky back then?”
“He was cute, but I didn’t want to date the guy that would sleep with every girl in school if he could.”
“What about now?”
“What about it?”
“Harper, we just saw Kyler. There was no mistaking the look on his face when he saw you, and I saw the way that you were looking at him too. I’ve always known he had a thing for you but I didn’t realize you two had been together. So I’m asking, do you like him now?”
She laughed out loud at me. “Em give me a break! That boy has been living in California living it up, and sleeping with any piece of ass that walks in front of him. Kyler certainly still looks good, I’ll give him that! But no way, no how, would I ever get into a serious relationship with him. I don’t think he’s the type that wants to settle down. And frankly, I’m not so sure I am either.” She paused and a smile broke out across her face. “Well, that was until you just found out you’re pregnant and I’m going to be your baby’s Daddy-Momma.”
I shoved her shoulder and cracked up. We both leaned back against the bathtub and I laid my head on Harper’s shoulder. “Hey Harper?”
“Hmmm…?”
“Thanks for always being there for me. I love you.”
“I love you too Em. It’s going to be okay.”
“Hey Harper?”
“What?”
“For once your sex stories actually helped me out, so… thanks!”
She laughed and helped me off the bathroom floor.
I walked into the studio that I’d been working in for the past six years and my head instantly felt clearer. This studio had become my home away from home. When Kyler and I first moved out here to Los Angeles we hit up to all the record companies, trying to sell the songs we’d written. We finally got our big break when the band ‘Down Glory Road’ heard a recording and paid for the rights to the song. They ended up listening to—and subsequently purchasing—some of our other material, and now they kept Kyler and I on a retainer. We wrote the majority of their stuff, and fine tuned the music. The band was a great group, the record company treated us like kings, and we’d since sold several of our songs to artists in all sorts of music genres. Things had really taken off for us. We had a good life; more money than we could ever want writing everything from love songs to heavy metal. I was recently was asked if I could come up with something reggae but declined! That’s where I draw the line. If you wanted reggae then you needed to go find Bob Marley.
But all the success, the women, and even our new house, it meant nothing without Emilyn. I realized a long time ago that she was the missing piece in my life. I had thought about going back to Mountain Home and begging her to take me back about eighteen months after I moved away, but I’d heard from Michael that she was in a serious relationship with someone. Despite knowing that she’d had such a hard time after I left, I was glad that she’d found someone who made her happy. I hadn’t deserved her. At least the other man was smart enough to find her and hold on. Admittedly, when I found out that they were getting married I went through some serious shit. I’d partied my ass off and drank myself into oblivion. I wrote a lot of our darker songs; which had worked out great because they’d ended up selling really well. But it turned out I’d been a pretty shitty roommate and Ky had to give me a few slaps on the face and a ‘coming to Jesus talk’. I had eventually pulled myself out of my slump, but I’d always thought of Em as the one that got away. I’d thought about getting in touch with her over the years, but I didn’t want to interfere or ruin anything that she may have had going. I didn’t even know that she would want to hear my explanation of why I had broken up with her that night. The time had come for me to try and move forward and get on with my life. So I did.
Women had pretty much been a constant fixture in my life since I moved to LA. None of them were ever any more than sex and a good time. I’d used them as much as they used me, but I never took things further with any of them because emotionally I was lifeless inside. I’d known only one girl who could open that side of me and I’d lost her. A year ago I met Valerie at a Down Glory Road CD release party. The record label CEO, Andre Campbell, introduced me to her. She was gorgeous and was being shot in one of their music videos. We connected and started seeing each other. We had a pretty simple relationship in that Val made most of the decisions and I went with the flow. She became a convenience for me. I realize that made me sound like an asshole, but I knew I was using her as much as she was using me. She came with me to all the press release parties and mingled with the big wigs, and I had a companion to pass the time and relieve my sexual tension. I could take that girl any way I wanted and she complied. But we never had a deeper connection than that. Lately she’d been getting pretty clingy. Marriage had come up during a conversation a few days before the reunion, and it took me completely by surprise. I hadn’t even had a clue that she viewed our relationship like that. I’d only looked at one girl as ‘the one’ and it certainly wasn’t Val. She’d walked out that night but like always, she came back and we’d resumed our usual routine of sex, parties, and fake companionship. As long as she knew marriage was never going to be an option for us—as far as I was concerned—the charade could continue.
I sat down on a couch that was pushed up against a deep-red wall. Recording studios tended to be dark inside. Equipment and computers lined the walls and a glass window looked into a room with microphones, headphones, and some musical instruments. Kyler walked in with a Starbucks cup in one hand and skateboard in another. He was always riding on that thing, or his bike.
He sat down next to me on the couch. “What’s the plan for today?”
“DGR are coming in at ten to take a listen to that new song we wrote last week, and we have a meeting at noon with Andre. He has an up-and-coming artist he wants us to meet and possibly work with.” I grabbed the cup of coffee out of his hand.
“Cool.” He got a notebook out of his backpack to jot some things down. “So I found out something that might interest you.”
Taking a sip of the coffee I looked at him, urging him on. “Okay.”
“I emailed Harper this morning. I’m heading back home in a couple months for a week to do some house hunting and she’s going to be my realtor. Well, technically she doesn’t know she’s going to be my realtor yet, but I’m plan on taking her out to dinner and asking nicely.”
I grinned, “Yeah? You know how to do that?”
He frowned, “I will for her. It’s not always about getting in their pants.”
I laughed. “I’m not so sure what makes her so different, but look out for that one. She’s got some claws.”
“Eh, I can handle her.” He was still looking at me and I got the feeling there was more.
“Well, besides being happy for you for living closer to your parents, what part of the conversation would interest me?”
“She told me something about Em that you might want to know.”
Now he had my full attention. “What did she say?”
“Have you been talking to Em on the phone?”
“Not really. I’ve text her a few times and I’ve tried speaking to her but she’s always dodging my calls. Why? What’s the deal man? Quit beating around the fucking bush and come out with it.” I was starting to get pissed.
“Harper said that Emilyn is back in town.”
“Why? Are her parents okay?” That was the only reason I could see her go back.
“I don’t know. She isn’t there because of her parents. She went back and is living with Harper.” I was so confused now. Kyler was grinning like an idiot. “Apparently when she went home early after the reunion, she caught West in bed with another woman, and they’re getting divorced.”
All the oxygen was sucked out of the room. Why the hell hadn’t she said anything to me? She’s so damn stubborn, she probably didn’t want me to worry about her. “Are you sure?”
“Yep, and now’s your chance dude. Maybe you should fly out there with me and go see her.”
“I need to try calling her again. I don’t know if flying out there is so wise though. Emilyn has always had her pride and me just showing up could just push her further away. We haven’t talked about how we left things the night of the reunion.” I ran a frustrated hand through my hair. Grabbing my cell I decided to text her. I wanted to see if I could get her to admit it to me first. My pulse was racing. I couldn’t even imagine what she must’ve been going through. After the shit I pulled on her, to then catch her husband cheating… I knew I needed to tread lightly.
F: Hey, how are you doing?
E: Great! Thanks for asking.
I let out a frustrated growl. Stubborn woman! I needed to change tactics. How could I get her to tell me what was going on?
F: Anything new going on? I still think we should talk instead of txts.
E: Nope. Nothing new. Sorry not a good time Finn. I’ll let u know when.
F: I’m getting impatient Em. Not going to wait 2 much longer.
E: Pls Finn not now. What’s new with you?
Oh sure, change the subject. She really was going to make this difficult.
F: Just work. Home. Work. Home. Chicago nice? Maybe I should plan a trip. We can meet up and u can introduce me to West.
E: NO! That’s not a good idea Finn. I told u I’ll tell u when I can talk. Listen I got 2 go. TTYL.
Fuck! She wasn’t going to give. I knew she’d always been a private person, but this was me. Why wouldn’t she just talk to me? But as much as I would go out of my mind not going home with Kyler, I knew I needed to stay home and not push her. He could always find out some stuff for me. Let the waiting game begin!
My first few days at Beans went smoothly. I’d thought about waiting to tell Rose that I was pregnant—I didn’t want to drop the news on her right after hiring me—but I also didn’t want to ask for time off for doctor’s appointments without her knowing why. My sense of honesty won out and I pulled Rose aside during my break on my first day. She was surprisingly supportive. She told me to let her know if I needed time off not only for doctor’s appointments, but also if I had any morning sickness or was too tired to work. I still didn’t know how I’d got so lucky finding such an understanding boss. My co-workers were also pretty great.
I was scheduled to see my doctor the next day to get my STD results, find out my due date, and to make sure that the baby was developing well. As the news of my pregnancy settled in, I couldn’t help but feel excited over the prospect of being a Mom. It was what I’d always wanted, and although it may not have happened in the manner that I’d dreamed, I was still having a baby and I loved it already. I’d convinced myself that with the help of Harper and my parents, this child would want for nothing. My parents were shocked for all of two seconds before my Dad hugged me and my Mom burst out in tears, squeezing me so tight that my Dad had to pry her off of me. I’ll admit I had been nervous about telling them the news. I’d felt like a pregnant teen telling her parents that she was knocked up by her high school boyfriend.
I had yet to call West and tell him the news. He obviously had a right to know, but I was nervous that he would want custody. After the way things ended, I didn’t feel like I knew him anymore and I couldn’t even guess what his reaction would be. What would I do if he wanted to get even with me by fighting for custody? I didn’t know what to expect, and this frightened me.
Harper and I were sitting at the dining room table eating spaghetti, when she brought up Finn. I’d thought about him quite a bit since I’d left West. He’d been calling me sporadically and we’d texted a few times. The other day he really pushed talking to me on the phone but I just couldn’t. I didn’t trust myself not to fall apart on the phone and blurt everything out. It wasn’t his problem to fix. Finn had his own life, and I saw no need to drag him into my drama.
“So, Kyler emailed me at work today. I guess he’s coming back to town in two months and wants to take me out to dinner to talk.”
She had my full attention. “What did you tell him?”
“I said sure. I don’t see any reason why we can’t go eat. But I swear if he mentions the night we had sex, I’m going to rack him in the nuts.” She said too casually twirling her noodles onto her fork.
“Does he know I’m living here?”
“No. I assumed you wanted to keep that on the down-low but it’s possible someone else in town could give him a heads up. But Emilyn you can’t keep all of this a secret forever.” Something didn’t seem quite right when she’d denied that Kyler knew about my breakup with Weston, but I couldn’t pinpoint it and so I decided to let it go.
I set my fork down and leaned back in my chair. “I know… I just don’t want everybody to know.”
“You don’t want everybody to know, or you don’t want Finn to know?” She cocked her eyebrow.
She had me and she knew it. There was no point wasting breath denying it. “Fine, I don’t want Finn to know. After the way I left things, I just think it’s best that everything that has happened stays in the past. I need to move on. Raising this baby and getting my life back on track are my main priorities. I just think it’s time I really let Finn go.”
Harper grabbed her wine glass and chugged what was left. She set it down and pointed her finger at me. “You are absolutely right! And if you don’t want me to tell Kyler, then I won’t.”
I smiled and thanked her, but felt a twinge of pain. Even when I thought I’d given up Finn, I realized that I actually hadn’t. Was I capable of letting him go? Maybe, maybe not, but I knew I needed to try.
“No I don’t want you to tell him. Kyler can come into town, you two can have dinner, and he doesn’t even need to see me. Do you know how long he’s planning on staying?”
“He said he was thinking about buying a house here so he can be closer to his parents. I suppose he’s planning on talking to about me being his realtor, but I have no idea how long that’s going to take.” She shrugged her shoulders like it wasn’t a big deal but it was a very big deal. If Kyler came back—even if it was only on a part time basis—Finn was sure to follow. Great! Just another stressor I didn’t need.
We sat in silence as we finished our dinner. While we did the dishes together we made some small talk, before Harper brought up another subject that I wasn’t prepared to deal with. “After your appointment tomorrow, have you considered contacting West to let him know what’s going on?”
My head was down while I scrubbed sauce off a plate. “I have, I just don’t know what I plan on saying to him. Do I talk about the court proceedings first, or do I just say it? Make it quick like ripping off a band aid? It’s been playing over and over in my head and I don’t see which way is best.”
Harper nodded her head in understanding while she pondered what I said. “I wish I had the answers hon. I guess we’ll cross that bridge tomorrow.”
The next morning I couldn’t help but feel nervous. I had a feeling that actually ‘seeing’ the baby would make everything real and I didn’t know how I would react to that. I was going to see the little person growing inside me. Despite my mixed emotions about the conversation Harper and I had last night at dinner, this morning was about me and my baby.
Harper was coming to my appointment with me for support, and all her excitement was rubbing off on me. We drove to Dr. Monroe’s office and checked in. When I was called back the nurse gave me a gown and put us in an examination room. Dr. Monroe was all smiles when he came in and greeted me. I introduced him to Harper and told him that she would more than likely be attending my appointments with me from now on. He made note of it in my record. I was relieved when he informed me that my STD tests had come back negative. That was one less thing to worry about. Then we went over a ton of questions about my family history, West’s family history, questions about my monthly cycle, my diet, things I could expect during the pregnancy and what my appointments would entail.
“Okay Emilyn, I think we are finally on to the fun stuff. Why don’t you lie back and I’m going to take some measurements and then we’ll do an ultrasound to see if we can find a heartbeat and estimate your due date.”
I could hardly contain my enthusiasm. Harper scooted her chair up to the bed and reached over to hold my hand. First Dr. Monroe put a tape measure on my stomach, and then warned me that he was going to put some cold jelly on me for the ultrasound. He wasn’t lying, it was really cold. But when he put the wand on my stomach I could see a little tiny sac and something moving inside. A few clicks here, and zoom there, and suddenly I could see it… my little baby. Of course it didn’t really look like a baby, and I couldn’t feel the movement inside me that I could clearly see on the screen, but it was there. Tears started flowing down my face and my smile was huge.
Harper blew out a huge breath of air, “Holy shit!”
“Harper!”
Dr. Monroe chuckled and said, “Its fine Emilyn. Pretty amazing isn’t it? No matter how many times I get to do this, this part never gets old.” He leaned over my stomach closer to Harper. “And holy shit is right.” I was shocked to hear the words out of his mouth. “When it was my wife and I in your seats, I believe I said something pretty similar.” We all laughed.
“So these right here,” he said pointing to different spots on the screen, “are the baby’s arms and legs. It’s still quite small so they are more nubs than hands with fingers. This here, is the baby’s spine, and this little fluttering, is the baby’s heartbeat. Let’s take a listen.”
The room filled with a whooshing sound. It sounded so fast but Dr Monroe assured me that it was normal. I was totally overwhelmed and full of excitement. I looked over at my best friend and she sat speechless, with tears streaming down her face. She looked at me and we both smiled. Doctor Monroe did the calculations and estimated that was around ten weeks pregnant, meaning I was due at the end of April. I loved the idea of having a spring time baby.
When my appointment was over, Harper and I went and grabbed some lunch before heading home. We talked about the baby and how cool it was to see it on the screen. We both seemed to be wrapped up in the excitement of it all when I got a text from West.
W: We need to talk
E: K, I can call now if it is a good time.
W: Calling you now.
Harper said she’d give me some privacy but I asked her to stay. When my cell phone rang my heart was racing. I had to tell West about the pregnancy and I had absolutely no idea how he was going to react. Maybe he would be overjoyed and realize this was something he really did want in his life. Not that I would’ve taken him back, but I didn’t know very many people that didn’t like children; especially their own. We didn’t have to be married to co-parent and raise a child successfully. This could totally work out!
“Hello?”
“Hello Emilyn.”
“Hi West, how are you doing?” My little pep talk had calmed me down.
“I’m fine, but the reason I’m calling is because I received a bill in the mail from a Dr. Monroe’s office. My lawyer said that you got a job, so I’d like to know why you aren’t using their insurance now instead of mine? I looked over the paperwork Emilyn, it says that any medical coverage now falls on you. So where would you like me to mail this bill?”
Okay, obviously I was wrong. This was not what I had expected when he said we needed to talk. Well, I’d actually had no idea what he’d want to talk about, but a bill wasn’t it. “Your lawyer was correct, I do have a job. But it isn’t enough to cover my medical expenses.” Harper tapped me on the shoulder and whispered that she wanted to hear the conversation too, so I hit speakerphone.
“I’m not going to support you forever Emilyn. Put yourself on their insurance.” He was getting worked up and I didn’t want him angry when I told him the news.
“I already have West, but the coverage isn’t enough to pay for my appointments. I just need a few months to stay under your plan and then you can remove me.” I was pleading with him but I had no other choice. My insurance wouldn’t cover very much of the pregnancy and I didn’t want to start off my life with a baby and a ton of debt.
“What on earth is going on with you that you need to stay on my plan?”
I paused and looked up at Harper. It was now or never. “West… I’m… I’m…”
“For fuck sakes Em spit it out!”
“She’s trying to you little prick, but you interrupted her!” Harper shouted at him.
“Oh just fucking great, you have the Harpy on the phone?” West was really pissed now, and I could see this just wasn’t going to play out the way that I’d hoped it would.
“Yes, I’m sorry West, she’s just trying to be supportive.”
“So then what’s going on? Are you sick or something?”
“I’m pregnant Weston.”
I heard not a single, solitary sound from the other end. I took a hold of Harpers hand, willing myself not to cry. I’d finally told him and he wasn’t saying anything. I was about to check and make sure that he was still on the line when he started laughing. Seriously? How was anything about this funny? I’d just told the man that he was going to be a father. Maybe I’d officially caused him to go off the deep end.
“So you managed to get knocked up, huh?” He was still laughing. “Well good for you Emilyn but that’s not a good enough reason for you to stay on my insurance.”
“What do you mean it isn’t a good enough reason? How in the hell do you expect me to pay for my medical bills West?” Now I’m the one that’s fuming mad!
“That’s someone else’s problem!”
Harper was now standing up, “Why in the hell is it someone else’s problem? It’s your fucking kid!”
Silence.
I realized then that West hadn’t understood that the baby was his. He actually thought I’d gone and got myself pregnant after I left him. Hell, for all I know he might have assumed I got pregnant by another man before I even left! At that moment though, he wasn’t speaking and my anger was subsiding and hurt was creeping back in.
“Wait, how do you even know this is my kid Emilyn? You left over a month ago. How do I know this isn’t some other guy’s child and you’re trying to get me to pay for all of this?”
Uh oh, “You mother fucking piece of swine shit. It is your kid. She’s not trying to get you to pay for anything that you aren’t responsible for!” There went Harper’s infamous temper.
He let out a frustrated growl. I could just see him sitting at his desk, running his hands through his hair. “Was this your way of trapping me? Get yourself knocked up and then you’d get more money out of me?” West was shouting through the phone and Harper was off in the corner ranting about how to remove testicles in the most painful way possible. However I may have fantasized he would react was not how it was actually playing out. West really didn’t want the baby. He actually thought I got pregnant on purpose for more money. I was going to be a single parent. I hadn’t felt this crushed when I left West that night. I hadn’t even felt this lonely over the past month being away from him. It was really going to be just me and my little munchkin. The weight of the situation was heavy and tears pooled in my eyes.
“No, of course I didn’t do this to trap you! How could you even think that?” My throat hurt from trying to swallow back my tears. I instinctively held a protective hand over my stomach.
“How long have you known?” His voice dropped an octave and I could tell he was trying to stay calm.
“I found out last week. I went for a check up, they ran some tests and told me that I was expecting”. I decided against the full explanation as to why I’d visited the doctor that day. It just wasn’t worth angering him further. “I was just as shocked as you are West.”
“Shocked? I’m more than shocked Emilyn! I told you that I didn’t want kids. We’re in the middle of a fucking divorce! How in the hell do you propose we deal with this?”
“I’m not asking you for anything West. I just thought you might want to know that we are having a baby. I’ll take care of her, I just need to stay on your insurance for as long as possible and then I’ll need a little bit of help with the medical bills. But you don’t have to be a part of her life if you don’t want to.” God, it hurt to say that out loud. “I won’t force you to be involved… I just hoped you might want to.”
“Her? You know what it is?”
“No, I just… I guess I just have a feeling that it’s a girl.” I lovingly rubbed my stomach.
