Текст книги "I am free "

Автор книги: Regina Bartley

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Текущая страница: 9 (всего у книги 13 страниц)

It’s funny how well these people knew me that had only just met me. My own family didn’t even know me that well.

“Thanks,” I hugged her.

“You’re welcome. Come back and see us soon.”

I nodded, and met Kennedy at the bottom of the steps. She was driving me home. Before we left I poked my head inside the living room where all the guys were watching television.

“Bye guys,” I waved.

“Bye Grace. It was great to meet ya.” Nick said.

“You too.”

“Later Gracie. I miss you already.” Tucker called out to me.

“Right,” I shook my head and waved.

I didn’t wait to see if Jackson said anything. Turning on my heels, I headed straight for the door. It felt good.

I didn’t want him thinking that I needed his goodbye. I was just being polite. Besides, I didn’t owe him anything. Not after his retreat from me. He should be lucky I even spoke to him at all.

 Ugh… Even my thoughts were turning impolite. It made me feel gross. I needed to go home, write in my book, and shower away the disgusting things in my head.

22

Jackson

We had a scrimmage and two full practices this week. I was exhausted. The last thing that I wanted was to deal with a house full of people. I hated how they turned Thanksgiving into some damn circus. My muscles ached, and my knee was swollen, and all I wanted to do was lay down with an icepack and watch football on the T.V. in my room.

Mom insisted that I join. More like –told me I’d better be there or I was in serious trouble. I wasn’t some kid that she could punish, but I’d still do what she said. She was Mom. You don’t let her down.

It took me three tries, but I finally got my white tie just right. It lay against my dark gray shirt that was tucked into my slacks. I looked like I was going to prom or something stupid like that. I wasn’t the type that wore a tie, only on special occasions or at funerals.

I locked my bedroom door behind me, so that I wouldn’t come back upstairs and find some random kids playing with my shit. Coming up the stairs as I was walking down was Tucker.

“Where the fuck is your tie? Why don’t you have to wear one?” I fussed. He was even in jeans and Doc Martins. “Not fair.”

“You know I never do what I’m supposed to do. I’m the horrible son.” He gasped, mocking me.

“You’re an ass.” I said as I made my way down the steps.

“Maybe I am, but at least my girl isn’t here with someone else?” He laughed.

What the hell was he talking about? I didn’t even have a girl. The only person he could be talking about was Holly, and she wouldn’t dare show up here with someone else. She wasn’t even invited.

Rounding the corner into the family room, I spotted Grace. She was wearing a long black skirt, and a white button down top. It was the first time I’d seen her wear black. It was a little tighter too. I could see the curve of her ass, as she turned to the side. It hugged her just right. The top was short sleeve with little ruffles and buttoned all the way up to her neck. She had her long blonde hair braided to the side and that damn red lipstick on her lips.

An angel on earth, she was. I had never seen her look more beautiful. She took my breath away. If anyone else was in the room I would never know it. She lit it up.

A large hand reached for hers and they laced their fingers together. I followed that hand all the way up. It only took one glance at his face for me to feel like someone threw a brick at me. Forget the pain in my knee, the one in my gut hurt way worse.

This was what Tucker meant.

Fuck this shit.

She can’t just walk up into my house with someone else. What kind of an ass hole does that?

I growled.

The kind of person that gets treated like the way I treated her, that’s who does that. That makes it suck even worse.

“Grace,” I said sternly as I moved in close to her. I didn’t pause. I didn’t hesitate. I pulled her to me and kissed her cheek.

“Jackson.” She said in a surprised voice.

While she was pressed up against me I looked the dude straight in his eyes. There was recognition there. It took me a second, but I finally remembered him from the bar. He didn’t look too happy with me, but the feeling was mutual.

She shoved me a little to break from my grip, and looked into my eyes. It wasn’t an I’m-glad-to-see-you expression. It was more like a, you’re-crossing-the-line face.

She took another step back, and eased herself into his side. “You remember Preston, right?”

How could I forget? “Yeah.”

“What was your name?” Preston asked, holding his hand out to me.

“Jack,” I informed him. Taking hold of his hand, I gripped it tighter than normal so he’d get a fucking clue.

He squeezed back. If this was a battle of brutes than he was toast.

“Dinner is ready. Let’s just head into the dining room.” Mom spoke loudly above the roar of the crowd. For special occasions we ate in the formal dining room. The long mahogany table would seat around twenty people. Mom loved hosting parties in there to show it off. She was proud.

Kennedy had her arm linked through some guys. She bounced all the way to the table. I obviously didn’t get the, bring a date memo. It was ridiculous. This dinner was going to be the longest, most unbearable dinner ever.

I squinted at the name card on the table, and frowned at Mom. She couldn’t be serious. She set me right in between the lovely couples, one girl on each side of me. Mom just smiled when I tried to let her know just how pissed off I was. All I had to do was eat, and then I’d be put out of my misery. I could lock myself in my room for the rest of the night.

Tucker glared at me from across the table. He wore a big cheesy grin on his face. If my foot would’ve reached him, I’d have shinned him. He was the one that started this whole mess anyway. All that flirting he did with Grace at the dinner table, and calling her Gracie. I didn’t need this. I was supposed to be trying to get over her.

No one in this family was trying to help. They didn’t realize my struggle. They acted like she hung the God damned moon, but I knew the difference. People thought she was a freak. Granted she’d changed some since the first time I’d met her, but she was still wearing tennis shoes under that skirt. I’d bet my Xbox she was. Those damn white shoes that barely had a sole, the ones that with a few more days of walking to work her toes would break through the fabric.

My shoulders sagged as I slouched in my seat. There was no need in pretending that I wanted to be there. Mom had everyone around the table tell what they were thankful for. It was tradition. Most everyone’s answers were the same. They were thankful for family, friends, and good health. My answer was short. I was thankful for my team and my family. Only at the moment, I would’ve traded some of my family in for zoo animals instead.

Grace surprised me with her answer. She said. “I’m thankful for this family, and my freedom.”

I didn’t know exactly what she meant. I knew she had issues with her Dad, but to what extent, I had no idea. It was obviously a lot worse then what she had been letting on. I reached my hand over and touched her leg, just above her knee. She flinched, but didn’t look in my direction. For some reason I wanted her to know that I was thinking about her. She reached for my hand and pushed it away. I watched Preston link their fingers together on the table. She didn’t push him away.

She held it.

She held it tightly.

I couldn’t watch this shit.

I stood up from my chair and walked around to Mom. “I’m not feeling well. I’m going to lie down. Save me plate.” I kissed her cheek and walked out. Torturing myself wasn’t what I’d envisioned for this dinner.

I ripped off my tie, tossing it onto my dresser. Unbuttoned the silky shirt, and left it in the middle of my floor as I climbed into bed. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to forget that the night had ever happened. I wanted to forget Grace. I wanted things to go back to way they were before she strolled into my life and screwed things up.

Her “I’m thankful for” confession kept replaying in my head over and over.

I slipped on my headphones, and cranked up the music. Can’t think about it if you can’t hear it right?

Wrong!

23

Grace

I apologized to Preston several times before he pulled out of the driveway. I was staying with Kennedy for a couple of nights, so we said our goodbyes at the door. He said that I had nothing to apologize for. He’d had a great time. It puzzled me when I thought about the night and day differences between Jackson and Preston. Preston was different. Jackson was an immature, spoiled brat.

He made me so angry tonight with his childish display in front of Preston. He would never have done that if he’d been around his group of friends, or anyone in public for that matter.

I sat down on the concrete bench in the front yard. I could feel the coldness through the seat of my dress. What a long night it had been. Preston had given me the sweetest kiss on the cheek before he’d left, but it didn’t compare to the heat of Jackson’s lips.

It bothered me that I was constantly comparing the two of them. I acted like it was some wrestling match and I was the prize trophy to be won. If only it were that easy. One guy likes me, and one guy likes the thought of me. My blinders needed readjusting.

“What are you thinking in that pretty little head of yours?” Tucker asked as he took the seat next to me. He was a big guy. He nearly took the whole bench.

“I don’t know.” I sighed. I did know. Just didn’t think talking to Tucker would solve my problems.

He draped his arm over my shoulders resting the weight on the back of the bench. “You love him don’t ya?”

“No.” I answered quickly. I didn’t love him, and I was aware of that.

“Not Preston.” He looked down at me with his knowing eyes. The stare alone was causing me to fidget. “Come on fess up. It’s just me here.”

“Maybe. I don’t know if it’s love. I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t get him out of my head.”

“He loves you too.” Tucker responded matter of fact.

“No he doesn’t. He’s drawn to me because I’m different. That’s all this is. He’s so immature. Do you know that he used me to get a good grade on a paper? Then when I said hi to him in public, he acted like he didn’t even know me.” My shoulders sagged at the thought. Saying it out loud made it sound even more foolish. “Then he kissed me.”

The air was thick outside and Tucker didn’t respond. He waited for me to finish.

“We shared that moment, and he didn’t speak to me after that. It lasted weeks. The other night at dinner was the first time I’d seen or spoken to him since then.”

I smoothed down the top of my skirt with my hands waiting for him to speak. I couldn’t say anymore. I’d already told him more than I’d even told Kennedy. He was just so easy to talk to.

“You know I’ve got say something in my brother’s defense even though I probably shouldn’t. Yes, he can be a complete jackass. But I know that he loves you. He’s been raised completely different.”

I interrupted. “That’s no excuse, look at you. You were nice to me from the moment you met me and so was Kennedy.”

“I know. But Kennedy and me, we’re not the star of the basketball team. We never cared about popularity or status, at least not me anyway. Kennedy never really cared either I don’t think. What I’m trying to say is, Jackson is singular. He’s never been good at school. He’s always been the center of attention, the star of the team. Whatever keeps him on top is what he does. It’s because he hasn’t truly grown up yet. I see a change in him though. He does care about you.”

“Just not enough to be seen in public with me.”

“Not yet.” Tucker scooted a little closer to me on the bench.

I leaned my head over on him. “You think he’ll come around.”

“I think he loves you too much not too. You are an amazing girl. I know that you’ve had a rough past. Anyone can see that, but look at you now. You’ve come out of your shell since the first time I met you. You’re definitely not as uptight.”

 “Hey.” I squeezed his side. “Thank you Tucker.” I wrapped my arm around his waist and initiated a hug. Me. I did that.

He hugged me back.

“You know that I have a brother back at home.” I said. “He would never listen to me like this or even talk to me. It’s really kind of you.”

“What an ass?” He said, talking about my brother.

“Yeah, what an ass.” I replied. We laughed together. He stayed there holding on to me. “You know I’m a pretty good listener, if you ever want to talk to me about your problems.”

“I have no problems. I’m master of the universe.” He said in a cocky tone.

“Sure, whatever Master.”

“Thanks Gracie.” He kissed the top of my head.

“I think I’m going to bed. It’s been a long day, and I’m tired.” I admitted as I stood up from the bench. The grass was cool against my bare toes. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight Gracie.”

I carried my shoes as I walked inside the house. Kennedy’s date was still there and she was cozied up with him on the sofa in the living room. The room was still filled with people. Saying my goodnights, I endured my round of hugs before heading to Kennedy’s room to go to sleep. Before I could close my eyes, I knew that I had to write. The talk with Tucker was still fresh in my mind. It would help to get a few feelings down in my book.

I changed into my nightgown and crawled into the bed. I switched the bedside lamp on to give me a little light to write by. When I was back at home I used to use a tiny little candle to write by. My dad would throw a fit if we left the lights on past a certain hour. It was too petty of a fight for me to disobey him.

Three Hearts

One to love

One I love

One I am

Two make sense

Two feel right

Two will fit

Three will love

Three will learn

Three’s a crowd

I love one

But there are two

Together we make three!

Three hearts

Three hearts

Three hearts

I’m not sure why I included Preston in my poetry. Maybe it was because he was so good to me. He was sweet and sincere. He held my hand on the table today for everyone to see. He didn’t try to hide his affections. But I’d be lying to myself if I said that I had feelings for him. I didn’t. One childish, immature, jealous, and overbearing jerk held my heart.

As I lay there in the bed, I wondered what my life would have been like if I’d stayed. I’d probably be dating some farmer who sucked up to my Father, and wouldn’t care about me at all. He’d probably want to follow right in his footsteps. Take over the farm one day, and raise a house full of kids.

Kids.

I wasn’t sure I ever even wanted to have kids. It was too late at night to be thinking about that. I tucked my notebook under my pillow for the night and drifted off to sleep.

24

Jackson

“Wake the hell up.”

I felt my body shake again with force. When I opened my eyes I saw Kennedy sitting on my bed.

“What time is it?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Just past midnight or something.”

“Get out of my room.” I growled at her.

She didn’t listen. She scooted herself back against the headboard. “No. We have to talk.”

“No, we don’t” I accentuated the word we. I was dreaming, and she screwed it all up. “Get out.” I tried shoving her off the bed.

“Stop Jack. I want to talk about Grace.”

I rolled over onto my back, and sighed heavily. “This conversation can wait until morning.”

“You love her don’t you?” Kennedy blurted out.

“I’m not having this talk with you. You’ve got five seconds to get the hell out of my room. I’m not kidding.”

“For once in your freaking life, you and I are going to talk. She’s my best friend. Something is going on. I want to know. She’s had a bad life you know?”

I didn’t know. We’d never really discussed her life at home. “No I don’t know. I don’t know much about her life before she moved here. What do you know?”

“Very little. I think she’ll talk to me about it someday, but I get the feeling it was real bad. Actually, I know it was real bad. But despite all that, she is still the greatest girl I’ve ever known. She doesn’t care about what people think, and she wears her heart on her sleeve.” Kennedy paused a moment. “I don’t know if you’re trying to play with her emotions or what, but it has to stop. You can’t pretend to like her when no one’s looking, and then love her behind closed doors. It doesn’t work that way. I used to look up to you. I used to think that I would kill to be as popular as you are. I was there once, and I admit that it was because of you that I was. But she made me see the light. She made me realize just how stupid we were. Grace is the type of person who always sees the good in people no matter how they treat her, or what they look like. We should be taking a page from her book.”

I swallowed my pride at Kennedy’s words.  She was right. I knew it all along. I knew that I was toying with her because I was embarrassed. I didn’t want to be with her in public, but I didn’t want anyone else having her either. So she was different. She wasn’t that different. She was simple. God, what have I been doing? I’m an asshole.

“You are such a jerk. I can’t believe that she’d even consider having feelings for you. Hell, I’d rather see her with Tucker than with you.” Kennedy said.

“I am jerk, but don’t say that. It pisses me off.”

“Good,” she stood up from the bed. “Get pissed off. If you love that girl, than you’d better start fighting for her, because if you don’t then someone else is going to steal her heart right out from under you. And frankly, I hope that happens.”

She was angry. She was so mad at me, but I could understand why.

“I get it.” I said.

“Do you? Do you really get it?”

“Yes, damn it.” I ran my hands down my face and sat up in the bed.

“Do you love her?” She asked, but I didn’t reply. “Do you love her?” She yelled this time.

“Yes.” My admission surprised me. I did love her; I just hadn’t admitted it to myself. I was young, playing basketball, trying to get an education. This was the type of thing that I’d been avoiding. For some reason it didn’t seem right. I was avoiding her for all the wrong reasons, when I should have loved her for all the right ones.

“I knew you did. Stop being arrogant okay. Show her you care, and treat her like you care too.”

“She loves you too.” I heard Tucker say from the doorway.

“And how do you know that?” I asked.

Tucker came into the room and plopped himself down on the bed. This was the first time since we were kids that were all in the same room alone, just talking.

“She told me Brother. I had a long talk with her outside today. I think she’s mad at herself for loving you, because she feels betrayed. She feels like she’s wasted her time having feelings for someone who doesn’t have them in return.” He explained.

Kennedy laughed.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“Tucker is the voice of reason. I never thought I’d see the day.” She laughed again.

I laughed too. She was right.

“Hey now. You two are the ones who thought I was the black sheep. You just never gave me a chance. Like I told Gracie, I’m master of the universe. I can’t help it if you two idiots never saw it before. I’m King of the World.”

“Good God. Get out of my room before your large head suffocates us all.” I said, rolling my eyes. “I get what you guys are saying, and I’m going to do better. Maybe it just took a little heart to heart with you guys to see it. I’m requesting that we don’t ever do this again though. Stay out of my love life, and out of my room.”

“He’s back.” Tucker and Kennedy said in unison.

“Damn straight. Now get out.” I pointed towards the door.

25

Grace

It was fun spending the weekend at Kennedy’s, but I was glad to be back home. I wasn’t glad about the 15 messages on the machine from my angry father, but glad that I could get back to my day-to-day routine. The break off from the Library was nice, but I loved it there. I was ready to get back to work.

Aunt Darcy had a great getaway with Paul. She couldn’t wait to tell me all about it when she got home. She shared her stories, and I shared mine over ice cream and Christmas movies. Who knew they showed Christmas movies on television when December hadn’t even got there yet?

I laced up my shoes, and grabbed a heavy jacket for my walk this morning. Aunt Darcy said that she’d drive me, but I left her sleeping. I was perfectly fine with walking to work. It wasn’t that far. The morning walk always did me some good.

Waiting on my porch as I closed the front door behind me was Jackson. He was standing there with his back rested against the wooden beam, and his hands were tucked deep inside his jean pockets.

“What are you doing here?” I asked. I was confused. He never just showed up at my house before. I was certainly missing something.

“I have an early practice this morning so I thought I’d offer you a ride to work before I go.” He replied. I could barely see his blue eyes that were hidden beneath his baseball cap. He looked so good in a hat.

“That’s really nice of you. I don’t mind the walk though.” I really didn’t. The walks gave me time to think.

“I know you don’t, but I’d like to take you today if that’s okay.” He stepped closer to me, and held out his hand.

What was this all about? He was like a bucket of ice on a steaming hot summer day. He was freezing cold one minute, and warm and melted the next. Of course I couldn’t resist him though. I slid my hand into his, and let him lead me down the steps.

“Thank you.” I said.

“You’re welcome.”

For the first time in a while, I saw a genuine smile. The one that first made me want to kiss him.

Not much was said on the car ride to work. I was still trying to wrap my head around why he was suddenly being so nice. He pulled the car up as close as he could to the entrance.

“Have a good day at work.” He said, as I was just about to open my door.

I remember my Mom telling me once that crazy, unmentionable things happened when there was a full moon. I couldn’t see the moon at this hour, but I was certain that it had to be as full as it could get today.

“Thank you, and thanks for the ride.” I smiled, closing the door behind me. I didn’t stay and ask him why he was acting so strange. My Momma did teach me to leave well enough alone.

His kindness didn’t go unnoticed though. In fact, I thought about it for the greater part of my workday. I thought about it too much actually. Every time the door opened to the Library I pictured him walking through the doors. It was a hindrance more than anything.

Just before my shift ended I received a text from Preston. He’d been so nice about Thanksgiving. He never once worried about Jackson. He never stooped to his level. He truly was a nice guy, too nice sometimes. His message was sweet, and he asked if I’d call him when I got home from work. This was it. I could no longer trudge along his feelings. I had to tell him that I had feelings for Jackson. No matter how silly and immature he acted, my heart was only with him. It would surely be the most difficult adult conversation that I would ever have, but I couldn’t let him continue believing that I had feelings for him when I didn’t. It wasn’t fair.

It was still light outside when I got off work. It was nice to not have to lock up for a change. I enjoyed being able to get off early enough that I could walk home in the daylight. The sun was deceiving though. The cold chill of the air made my legs cold. One thing about skirts in the winter was that they offered very little warmth. Thank goodness for tall socks.

I took the steps two at a time as I made my way down to the sidewalk. I pulled my hood up over my head to block the cold from my face as best as I could. The temperature had dropped a lot since when I’d gotten to work this morning.

“Grace,” I heard someone call after me.

I had already begun walking in the direction of my house. When I turned around I saw Jackson steadily walking towards me.

“Wait up,” he called out.

“What…” I started to say, but waited for him to get closer. “What are you doing here?” I asked with a sniffle. The cold was already making my nose run. I wished I had worn my stockings and my gloves.

“I came to pick you, and take you home.”

“Why are you doing this?” I asked.

“Look, we can talk about it in the car. It’s freezing out today. Come on.” He turned around and walked in the direction of his car, not giving me a chance to refuse.

I took a seat in the passenger side of the car and rubbed my hands along the top of my thighs. My legs were so cold. He turned the dial of the heat on full blast just before he drove away from the curb. I still had no explanation for his erratic behavior.

“What’s going on Jackson?” My voice was barely above a whisper.

“I’m trying, that’s what’s going on.”

That still explained nothing.

“Trying what?” I don’t know how I got to be so brave. I think a little bit of Tucker was coming out of me. His quick wit kept me on my toes.

He looked at me with his gorgeous blue eyes, then back to the road. Then back at me. What was he trying to tell me? He reached his arm over to me and placed his hand over top of my hands. One of his hands nearly covered both of mine. His thumbed moved softly over my skin. Just the feel of him made my insides dance. If he only knew what he did to me.

I could have pulled away. I could have told him not to touch me, but I didn’t. I craved his touch more than anything. That night at Thanksgiving when he touched my leg under the table, I had to fight everything inside me to push his hand away. The only thing that helped me was the anger. The fact that he could touch me where no one was looking instead of in plain view for everyone to see made me so mad.  Even now, in the car, didn’t prove a thing.

Still, I didn’t want him to stop touching me.

“If you give me a chance, which I know I don’t deserve, I’m going to prove to you that I can do this.”

What was I supposed to say to that? I wanted to say, yes! “Jackson, I don’t know. I mean you barely know me. You don’t even want to be seen with me.”

“All I can do is apologize for that. You don’t have to say anything today. Just give me a chance to prove it to you.” He pleaded. I wanted to believe him. I really did. Deep down in my heart I wanted him to change so badly, or to at least feel for me the way I felt for him. “You don’t have to say anything. Just don’t. I’m going to make you see.”

He gave my hand a little squeeze as he parked the car in front of my sidewalk.

“If I call you tonight, will you answer?” He asked.

“Yes.” I said, probably with too much enthusiasm.

“Good. I’ll call you later.” He leaned across the seat and gently kissed my cheek. I closed my eyes when his lips touched me. I wanted to freeze time at that exact moment.

“Bye.” I spoke quietly as I climbed out of the car.

Would he call me? I didn’t know, but I was going to hold on to the idea that he was. Maybe he could change. Maybe he didn’t have to change, he just had to open up. Either way I wanted to be the girl that he opened up for.

My heart wanted him.