Текст книги "I am free "

Автор книги: Regina Bartley

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I AM FREE

Copyright © 2015 Regina Bartley

All rights reserved

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any similarity between actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Any uses of locales, or events are used fictitiously.

Cover Design: Sprinkles on Top Studio

Formatted by: Ready, Set, Edit

Dedication

For my niece Kelsey, who has taught me so many things.

You’ve taught me that unconditional love is for everyone.

You’ve taught me to see beauty in all things.

You’ve taught me that friendship is boundless.

You’ve taught me to fight for what I want.

K– Kind

E– Exquisite

L– Loving

S– Strong

E– Extraordinary

Y– You are so many things, but most of all you are YOU!

I love you!

Prologue

Grace– Fifteen Years Old

My faith was the reason I kept from killing my father. His fists were heavy, and served their purpose. They were forceful, and though my mother witnessed, she never said a cross word or any word in my defense. I sometimes doubted her love for me. She was just scared, I told myself. She knew that if she spoke up, that her punishment would be far worse than mine, at least that was the excuse that I told myself. The one I repeated over and over to cover up her unexplainable parenting skills. Hidden behind that apron was a woman that was just as frightened as me, but despite it all she still loved him.

And somewhere deep down inside, I despised her for it.

From the moment I was old enough to remember, I wanted to run away. Not because I hated my life. Not because I hated my Mother or my older brother Thomas. I had love for them, somewhere hidden, no matter how hollow they were inside. I loved my home, and our farm, the entirety of it all. Our way of life was different, but I never dreamed of anything more. The only reason that I ever wanted to leave was because of him. My father.

The summer after my fifteenth birthday I almost did it. If I could have walked or talked after his beating then I would have.

  Early morning sunrises in Oklahoma were picture perfect, and that morning was no different. I made sure to be up extra early. As in before the rooster crowed. I knew it was going to be a hot one, and I had one hour before I had to begin my chores. Never once had I considered defying my father, but I wanted to go swimming and he’d said no. He always said no. Girls weren’t supposed to wear suits that bared their skin for anyone to see. It was preposterous, and quite surely the biggest sin. I was allowed to wade in the water but had to wear my skirt. There was absolutely no fun in that.

I knew the risk when I snuck down to the pond that morning, but thought I’d never get caught. I was extra quiet and was sure that I’d covered all of my tracks. Ducking low behind the shed, and making sure to walk along the far side of the tree line so that I wouldn’t stir up the animals. My father never went down to the pond. It was too far of a hike for his bad leg.

I had it all figured out. I would not get my hair wet, and I would leave my dry clothes on the dock so that I could put them on once I was done. The plan seemed flawless, but what I didn’t suspect was someone else catching me. The pond backed up to the Turner farm, and Katie Turner and I had never gotten along. She was a snobby piece of work who hated me with a passion. I never understood why, but it only made me dislike her worse. Her, and her beautiful tan legs that she showed off every chance she got. She never gave me a chance to be her friend, never tried to like me. She made fun of me and made sure to make my life a living hell.

Splashing around in the water, I hadn’t heard her sneak up to the dock. I was too busy relishing in my morning of fun. I was unaware of her cruel intentions.

She’d taken my dry clothes and ran home with them. Leaving me with nothing. I’d try to call after her, but was too late. The only clothing covering my skin was my bra, a white tank top, and my underwear. My father was going to kill me. I knew that he was.

We weren’t really the religious type of family. I mean we believed in God, but we didn’t go to church. Dad said that the only organized religion that we needed was prayer before supper. My dad had his own set of rules for us to follow. He was a strict man, and he firmly believed that a woman’s body was not to be tampered with or to be seen by the eyes of anyone other than her husband. We wore long skirts and collared shirts. We were allowed to wear short sleeves if the weather was hot, but only then. We never wore makeup or did anything to make ourselves appear older. It was unheard of. I never cared much about those rules. I followed them, because I had to. I never complained, at least not to my father’s face. It was all I had ever known.

But sometimes he went overboard, and this was one of those times.

I crept back to the house knowing full well that anyone who would see me would be able to see right through the clothes I was wearing. I had no choice. I had to get back.

The bottom of my long blond hair was dripping wear the ends had touched water. My hands could only cover so much, and when I stepped up to the back door my father was awake and staring at me through the screen with cold eyes.

“Shed now!” he demanded.

His stare alone was enough to scare me, but that voice. It haunted my dreams.

My head hung low as I tiptoed on the dry ground all the way to the shed. I could feel his eyes burning into me from behind all though I couldn’t see them. The aluminum door made a creaking nose as it opened, and a loud banging noise when it slammed shut.

“You have defied me child, and you’ll take your punishment.” The sweat dripped from the creases in his forehead and the whites of his eyes were devil red.

“I’m sorry,” I started to say with a shaky voice.

“Don’t speak!” He yelled. “Your body is not to be seen, and I will make sure that you never want to show it again.”

I started to sink to my knees in fear, but he screamed for me to stand up straighter.

Many times I had taken a beaten from my father, but never was he this mad. Never had he looked at me with such disgust. I feared for my life, as I stood there barefoot on the hard ground.

He grabbed the first tool he could find hanging on the wall. The rake. He twisted it around so that the metal end was in his hands and the wooden handle was sticking out into the air as if he were holding a bat. “Turn around.” He ordered.

I knew what he was about to do, but in my mind I had hoped that he wouldn’t be too hard on me.

I was wrong.

The first hit to the back of my legs took me to the ground. It completely knocked me off of my feet, and though I screamed it did no good. I was barely able to catch my breath.

“Stand up!” He yelled again, and I did as I was asked. Defying him would only make it worse.

I knew when the next hit was coming because I could hear the whoosh of air as he swung the rake towards my body.

Over and over, he hit me.

Each time my body went to the ground. The screaming played like a broken record in my head. At times it didn’t even sound like me. I sounded like a little girl. Not the teenage girl that I was.

The pain was so bad that I blacked out a couple of times. But the next swing would make me conscious again.

I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t move. My body was glued face down into the dirt floor of the shed. Sobs racked my body, and I shook so much that my shoulders banged against the floor.

No one came. Not my mother or my brother.

I never tried to fight back or get up because it wouldn’t have done any good. There was no way I could even walk. The bones in my legs from my knees down felt like they were shattered. I knew they weren’t, but it felt like it.

When he was finally out of breath the beating stopped. I thought it was over. Usually when he was wore out; he would break something and slam the door on his way out.

I was wrong again.

Just when I thought it was over, I felt cold sticks just below my neck. Then pressure. The metal end of the rake was being dug into my skin, full force. He scraped the tips from my shoulder blades to my butt bone. What little clothing I was wearing tore into shreds around me, and I tried to cry out. I tried. The sound was mute though. It never left my body, but shrilled in my brain.

The warm wetness of blood covered my back.  I could feel it leaking down my sides. There was a slam of the door, but that was the last thing I remembered when the darkness took over.

My back must have quit bleeding at some point, because when I woke up and moved mere inches it felt dried and scabbed. Like my back was one big sore. I had lain there for hours I assumed, because my legs wouldn’t move. My brain knew that they needed to, but my body wouldn’t listen.

Finally sometime in the night my mother showed up with some aspirins and a glass of water. My father had gone to bed so she came to get me. She helped me too my feet and then to my bed, which took us forever. She didn’t ask if I needed a doctor, because that was out of the question. She barely even looked at me. Probably for fear that she might actually feel an ounce of guilt for leaving me lying there in that condition all day. I could’ve been dead and no one would have known, or cared.

Once I learned that I could walk on my aching legs, I knew that nothing was broken. But it may has well have been. It hurt just the same, and if nothing else, my heart was.

My heart was broken, and what little thread of love I had for my father was gone completely. I’d never care for that man again, no matter what.

The evil man that called himself my father would never be. He would always be a monster in my eyes. He could never live up to those words, and I hoped that one day he would meet his match. That someone would teach him a lesson that he’d never forget.

When my mother waited for me to put my legs up onto my bed, she finally looked at me but only because I made her. I glared so deep at her eyes that they were forced to look in my direction.

She said, “You can take tomorrow off from chores since you’re sick.” Then she walked out my door.

That was it. I could have one lousy day off from chores.

Yippy.

There was no remorse or love, only one smart remark. She wouldn’t even offer to help me clean up.

I would’ve liked to have said screw you, but I didn’t have the energy or the will power.

That was the night that I realized that she was just as heartless as he was, and I vowed that I would leave that place as soon as I turned eighteen. All the times that I wanted to runaway never compared to this one. Soon it would be real. I would get out of this mess of a life, and never look back.

And that was what I did.

1

Grace

The morning of my eighteenth birthday my mom made a big breakfast, same as she had in years before. Everyone sat around the kitchen table to eat before the sun even came up. Mom told me I could have the day off from my chores, and even though I could tell dad was against it he still nodded his head and agreed. The frown lines on his forehead had grown deeper with age and anger. I tried not to stare, because his eyes were always filled with such hatred and evilness. He could make you flinch with one look. I glanced around the room, anywhere but there.

I knew that things would be a little bit different once I turned eighteen, and became an adult. But being a prisoner in this lifestyle wasn’t one of those changes. If they had their way, I’d be stuck there doing chores for the rest of my life. I’d have no friends, and would know nothing of the life outside of this town.

My dad was going to see to it that I always obeyed his every command. The only difference now was that I was old enough to date. Not that I had any plans to do it. Plus there would be a long list of rules and guidelines that would follow right along with it. He would demand that the boy be from our community, a hard worker, and someone with strong values and morals. In other words, he’d want me to be with a younger version of himself.

Right?

Like that was going to happen.

His old fashioned lifestyle was too much for me, way too much. I wouldn’t settle for anyone unless they were his complete opposite. Things had changed over the last one hundred years. People didn’t court anymore. My mom didn’t leave me completely out in the cold when she taught me my studies, but there were tons of things that I’d be figuring out on my own. I could only hope that she wasn’t filling my head full of lies though, because after tonight I would be a member of society. Not just a lovely member of this household. Despite my lack of social skills, I felt like my grasp on reality or what lay beyond the twenty-mile radius of town was crystal clear.

I wasn’t about to spend another night in this house, under this roof, with that man. I peeked up from my fork once and saw him glaring at my mother. She just sat there like her normal robot self. Smiling as if she didn’t notice. I wanted to storm off from the table, but I knew that would only mean pain for me. It was all the more reason for me to get out.

The next eighteen hours couldn’t come fast enough.

That night I packed one duffel bag of my things, and left my home in Oklahoma.

Finally.

I had saved the ten dollars that my aunt had sent me in a birthday card every year since I was old enough to read them. She would never know how much that money truly saved me. It was the only money I had, and it was enough to purchase a one-way bus ticket to Colorado.

Several months before, I had written to her and asked if I could come stay with her. She wouldn’t deny me. I knew that. She despised my father almost as much as I did. She would take pride in lending me a helping hand so that I could leave.

When she sent me my most recent birthday card that arrived just days ago, she’d written something so simple inside. The words –Happy Birthday Grace; my home is yours. Like I said, the words were simple, but it was the finality that I’d longed for, and a silent agreement between the two of us. I knew what I had to do.

My bus ticket was purchased. That was the easy part. Getting out of my house without getting caught would be another story.

Tossing my bag over my shoulder, I looked around my bedroom one last time. It was the only thing about that life that I wanted to remember. It was the only thing that I could call my own. I didn’t have to share it, and when I wanted to be alone I knew that I could. My fingers grazed over the yellow blanket that my grandmother made. I wished that I could take it with me, but getting out was my main focus. There was limited room in my small bag, and so I couldn’t be picky. Necessities only.

I didn’t bother closing my bedroom door, when I walked out. My white Keds made zero noise as I tiptoed down the hall. There was only darkness, outside of the moonlight shining through the window in the kitchen, but I didn’t need the light. These walls had been mine for eighteen years, and I knew every crease, crack, and crevice. I knew just where to step to avoid the noises that the hardwood floor made. I knew that there was a piece of trim that lay loose where the hallway met the kitchen, and if you weren’t careful, it would catch your toe or the hem of your skirt.

When I reached the back door, it was clear that I had made it. If anyone found me there where I stood, I’d just run like the wind. Never look back.

I grabbed an apple out of the basket that sat on the kitchen counter for my trip. I slipped it into the opening of my bag, and then carefully opened the back door hoping like hell that it wouldn’t be loud.

Luck was on my side.

When it latched closed, I held my breath until I reached the end of the driveway. Then held it again until I reached the next drive. Each step towards town made me breathe a little easier. Walking alone in the dark didn’t scare me, but picturing my father’s face around every bend did.

I hoped that he wouldn’t try to come after me. Being eighteen gave me some shred of hope. But he was wicked. I wouldn’t put it past him to lay some kind of claim over my life once he found out where I was. All I wanted was the freedom, and no matter how many miles I put between the two of us I wondered if I’d ever really be free.

The edge of town was eerily quiet and pleasant. For miles all I saw was emptiness and the night air was still warm against my skin. Leaving at nighttime was the smartest thing for me to get a fresh start. No one seemed to be creeping around, so I wouldn’t risk the chance of someone seeing me. At least not anyone I knew. The folks that I had been acquainted with wouldn’t be out this time of night. They were early risers.

The streetlights paved the way to the bus stop. My family and I passed by it every time we went to town so I knew exactly where it was. I had purchased my ticket there last Sunday while Mom was inside the grocery store next door.

The sign hung low and very few people stood around as I crept up the wooden steps making my way inside. The station was older and had a pungent smell of Old English polishing oil. It was the same stuff my mother used on the wooden bench that sat on our front porch. Judging by the clock hanging by the door I was just in time, and I wouldn’t have to wait long before my bus arrived. Thank goodness.

I was constantly looking over my shoulder in search of him, though I knew he wouldn’t be there. And every noise made me jumpy. The poor man that collected my ticket probably thought I had some kind of illness or that I’d forgotten to take my medication. He never said a word though, just a skeptical brow and common politeness.

I took a seat and waited for my bus to come.

Aunt Darcy was expecting me and promised that she wouldn’t say one single word to my father. She knew that he was crazy. There was no contact between the two of them besides a Christmas card that came every year. She steered clear of him, like she should. There were times that I wondered if she knew the severity of his temper, but figured if she really knew how bad he was, that she wouldn’t say anything. She’d be afraid of him like the rest of us.

She came to visit us once in all the years I could remember. She drove hundreds of miles, and wound up staying for dinner, and leaving soon after. Dad’s intense glares, and lack of conversation had everything to do with it. He was not gentle with his words, and sugar coated for no one. Since then all I ever heard from her was –Happy Birthday, in a card.

When I wrote to her back several months ago, I didn’t go into full detail about my situation. I only told her that I was leaving and in desperate need of a place to stay. It would be more of a sanctuary then anything. I told her not to write back, because they would be suspicious. So about a week before my birthday I received a new card. Inside it was money of course, and that little note. It was all I needed. She knew that I had no money, but that I would get a job as soon as I arrived.

That frightened the hell out of me. I had no job experience outside of farm work, and my aunt lived nowhere near any farms. She wasn’t directly in the city, but close enough. After being home schooled by my mother and graduating when I was only seventeen, I hoped that I would one day be given the opportunity to go to school. College I mean. But I was only kidding myself. I could never afford to go to school, and even if I could what on earth would I study? I knew nothing of the outside world beyond my small town, and from the looks of it –outside the bus window, I was probably in way over my head.

My bag was tucked safely into the small overhead compartment on the bus, and my shoulder bag lay across my lap. The very few belongings I had were mine, and I wanted to keep them as close to me as possible. The seat next to me was empty which was comforting, but the heat mixed with all those bodies made the smell unpleasant. It was musty and smelled like old man cologne mixed with one of those green tree shaped air fresheners. Old pine trees and musk. That about summed it up.

Sometime after the bus started to move I curled up against the armrest. I wrapped my white sweater tightly across my body to keep warm. I didn’t want to fall asleep because I was afraid that I would have a terror in front of everyone on the bus. How embarrassing that would be. I tried hard to fight it, but the tiny vibrations of the moving bus were coaxing me into it. The darkness didn’t help either.

Unfortunately my eyes couldn’t hold out any longer. My heavy eye lids slid closed, and sleep found me too easily.

Thankfully I hadn’t been dreaming when I woke some hours later. The screeching of the bus brakes whistled around me, and jolted me awake. The lady that sat a couple of seats over was gathering her things, so I jumped up a little too quickly in my seat. Outside the bus windows was a sign that said Denver Colorado. I knew that I was at my stop. Aunt Darcy lived twenty minutes or so from the city of Denver -just outside of Aurora, but this was the closest stop.

I reached inside the overhead compartment, and grabbed my bag. I straightened my frazzled hair, and patted my long skirt so that the wrinkles weren’t crazy then I tossed my bag over my shoulder and made my way towards the front of the bus.

It was dark when I’d first got onto the bus. I could barely see the other passengers. Now, as I was exiting the daylight let me see clearly.

It also made me hope for the darkness again, as everyone stared.

Of course I was a long way from my home, but there was nothing any different about me then the next person. At least on the outside, or from what people could see. I was just plain old me. Boring farm girl hidden behind a long skirt, laced up shoes, and sweaters. Hadn’t they ever seen a plain Jane before?

The bright light from the sun nearly made me fall over top of the poor woman in front of me. I had to apologize twelve times to keep her from swinging her purse at my head. Darcy leaped in at just the right time to wrap me in the warmest most inviting hug ever. There was a look on her face telling me not to worry with the old lady.

“Oh, I’ve missed you.” She said. She held me tight. Almost uncomfortably tight when you’re not used to being hugged.

“I missed you to.” I smiled and laid my head over on her shoulder. She wrapped an arm around me and led us across the street to her car.

Aunt Darcy hadn’t changed much at all. She was still very slender with long hair, much like mine. Only darker. She wore makeup and jeans like most of the world, but it wasn’t over the top. She was very pretty for an older woman. No husband, and no children, she lived by herself in a two bedroom house in an urban part of town.

I hated imposing on her life, but she accepted me with open arms.

Literally.

“I’m so happy that you are staying with me. We’re going to have such a great time together.”

“Me too,” I answered truthfully. “You won’t tell my father right?” I sent a worried glance in her direction from the passenger seat of the car.

“You have my word. I don’t plan on talking to that man ever, if I can help it.”

I released a pent up breath and watched the building pass by my window. That was all I needed to know. That for once in my life I could feel safe somewhere.

“I am making us a big dinner tonight, and then we can watch movies, or do anything you want. You’re eighteen now, so I don’t want you to feel like you have to answer to me for any reason. You are my roommate, not my child. I hope you understand that.” She explained. Her long red fingernails tapped the steering wheel.

“Yes ma’am. I understand.”

“None of that ma’am stuff. It makes me feel old.” She smiled.

I returned the smile, and it felt great.

“Want to hear something exciting?”

“Yeah,” I waited for her to answer.

“I think I may have found you a job.”

“What, seriously?” I asked excitedly. That frightened/anxious feeling washed over me, and I was instantly curious. “What kind of job?”

“I figured that you would have a hard time finding something with no experience, so I pulled some strings. My dear friend Trish is the Librarian at the public library in town. She has a couple of college students who work for her, and one person just quit last week. It’s not a fancy job, and it wouldn’t pay much, but it’s yours if you want it.” Her eyebrows peaked as she waited for me to respond.

The library would be perfect for me. I mean I didn’t know much about the job itself, but I loved to read. Not to mention all the quiet time. It sounded perfect. “I’ll take it. It sounds like the perfect job for me.”

“Yay,” she bounced in her seat. “I thought so to. I will call her first thing in the morning before I leave for work and let her know. She may want to see you, but it’s only about five blocks from the house. It’s a nice walk.”

“Perfect.”

A smile was plastered to my face for the rest of the ride home.

When we got to the house I was surprised. It wasn’t at all like I’d pictured. I expected the houses to practically be sitting on top of each other, but they weren’t. They had yards and the brick homes were beautiful; all very similar, but older and almost historic like. I loved it.

She gave me the grand tour of the place. It was two stories, and both bedrooms were up stairs. Each room was very spacious and had its own bathroom. Nothing compared to my bedroom back home. The cream painted walls was soft and inviting. It was a lot to take in all at once, but I couldn’t wait to spend some alone time in there. I sat my bag on the bed, and followed her back to the first floor.

It was so nice. There was a large kitchen that opened to a dining room, another bathroom, a large living room, and a utility room. There was even a sunroom off the back porch. I could already tell that it would be my favorite place. I could imagine myself out there with my notebook, scribbling away.

Poetry was my biggest love.

Several nights I would write to escape, and over the years my writing had just become second nature. I loved it like I loved the color green, and almost as much as I loved fried chicken. That was a whole heck of a lot. I wasn’t exceptionally good at it, but I didn’t mind. No one else would see it besides me anyway.

“I hope that you’ll make yourself at home, and I don’t ever want you to think that you can’t stay here. You’re welcome here as long as you want. I get pretty lonely sometimes, so it’ll be nice having you around.” Her voice was genuine.

“Thanks Aunt Darcy.”

“Of course honey. I’m going to start supper. There are plenty of things in your room that you might need. A new toothbrush, and all your bathroom goods, and I put my old laptop in the top dresser drawer if you want to keep up with the outside world.” She winked.

It sounded unusual when she said the words, “outside world.” What would I know about anything or anyone outside this house? I was clueless. I would never use her laptop, but it was a nice gesture. It wasn’t as if I were leaving any real friends behind besides the animals. The only friend I had back home was just an acquaintance, a stranger that I had seen only on occasion. Our parents had dinner together maybe once every few months, and she and I would hang out. We rode horses and played with the dogs. She seemed nice, and was truthfully the only person in the world I had ever considered a friend. I didn’t know much about her except her name. Molly Rogers. I wouldn’t even know how to contact her if I could. We had a computer at our house that was used for several things, but talking to friends wasn’t one of them.

Maybe I was deprived of things in my childhood, but I never felt that way. I was never exposed to very much, so I never really knew what I was missing out on, or if I was missing anything at all. I liked it that way. The simple life suited me just fine.

Aunt Darcy pulled her apron off the hook hanging next to the pantry door, and I cringed a little at the sight of it. The ruffled edges and light pink color, reminded me of my mother. That woman would have slept in the dreadful thing if she could have. I swear she was constantly cooking or baking. She hardly ever left the kitchen. Seeing Darcy pull it over her head made my stomach knot up. I could barely look at her.

“I’m going to go and take a shower and clean up, then I’ll come back and help with supper. If you want?” I said trying to rush away quickly.

“Sounds good.”

I nodded and turned towards the stairs. I could hear the distant sound of her humming as I climbed the stairs fleetingly.

After the long bus ride, I was tired and stinky. Well, I couldn’t really smell myself, but if I had to guess I’d say I was.

I took the stairs two at a time.