Текст книги "I am free "

Автор книги: Regina Bartley

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Текущая страница: 7 (всего у книги 13 страниц)

16

Jackson

I heard girls giggling in the hallway and figured Kennedy was home from a drunken night out.

When I glanced at my alarm clock it read 11:27 pm. That was an awful early night for her.

Tucking my arm back under my pillow, I closed my eyes to tried hard to fall back asleep. It was no use though. I already wasn’t sleeping well, and the noise was driving me crazy.

I sat up in my bed and ran my fingers through my hair. Switching on the lamp, I reached for my shorts and pulled them on. It had been a rough week for me. Coach was pushing us extra hard during our workouts and with school being so hectic I just couldn’t keep it together. The pressure was over-whelming me. Not to mention I only had two more semesters before graduation. I was majoring in Sports Science, and minoring in sports management. Coaching was what I always intended to do, but now that it’s almost here I’m scared to death. What if I couldn’t find a job, or what if I hated it? I had discussed these things with my advisor at school and she recommended me taking a couple of classes that would allow me to focus on other things. Once the semester started I realized that I probably wasn’t cut out to do anything that didn’t revolve around sports. It was too difficult for me. There was nothing that I wanted more than to be involved in sports. It’s just scary to think about what life would be like after graduation, and even scarier when I think about my grades and whether or not I’ll actually graduate.

I let out a deep sigh and padded my way out the door.

Food was what I needed.

When I walked into the kitchen I was surprised by what I saw. The noisemakers had made their way into the kitchen. But that wasn’t what surprised me. Standing there in a long white nightgown was Grace, beautiful Grace.

“Sorry Jack, were we being loud?” I heard Kennedy ask, but my eyes weren’t looking at her.

“It’s okay.” I replied still looking at Grace.

“Hey Jackson,” she said with a small smile. Her long blonde hair hung in curls around her face, and her lips.

Jesus.

Her lips were stained red. She was wearing lipstick.

As if I didn’t already picture her lips doing dirty things, it’d be worse now.

I was supposed to be forgetting all about her. I was supposed to not allow her in my thoughts at all. There was no way in hell I could keep her out now. This was serious. My body was fighting me all the way, because I wanted her right then just as much as ever.

“Where’d you go tonight?” I asked Kennedy after I finally unglued my eyes from Grace.

“We had a double date.”

My eyes snapped back to Grace.

“You both had a date tonight?”

Grace shifted on her feet and I wished I could read her mind.

“Yes. Both of us.” Kennedy replied. “Shit, I have to check my email. I was supposed to hear back from my professor. I’ll be right back Grace.”

I could feel all of the air leave the room as soon as Kennedy left, and in a flash, Grace was leaving too. She was rushing to get away from me.

“Goodnight Jackson,” she said as she moved around me.

I don’t know why I stopped her, but I did. I grabbed her hand, and she turned back around to face me. Her chest was moving fast with each breath she took. I pulled her closer to me, and watched as she swallowed heavily.

“What are you doing to me?” My voice was low and breathless. My heart was racing. I’d never felt like that before. Never. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It was supposed to be easier, but nothing with Grace was easy.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I didn’t do anything to you.”

Oh naïve girl. If you only knew what you did to me.

Every inch of my body wanted to be near her, including my heart, and I had no fucking clue why. My mind said, “don’t do it.”

With my free hand, I reached up and touched her face. I slowly ran my thumb along her soft bottom lip. She sucked in a deep breath that was so loud people in the other room could hear it. Good thing no one was around.

I didn’t move though. I touched the corner of her mouth and stared into her eyes.

I was mad at her.

I was angry.

Who the fuck was I kidding? It was never her I was mad at. I was mad at myself, for treating her like shit.

I inched my lips in, closer to her face.  It was an agonizing pace. “I want to kiss you Grace. I want to kiss you so bad.” I whispered.

“What are you doing to me Jackson?” She stunned me with my own question.

“Making things right.”

“For you or for me?” She asked and I could see the worry behind her eyes. I knew what she was asking of me. And the answer wasn’t the right one. It wasn’t the one she wanted to hear. I wanted to kiss her because I was selfish and I wanted it, and it wasn’t fair to her. I didn’t think I’d be able take whatever this was between us any further, at least not outside these walls. Not now. Hell, maybe she didn’t want anything from me. Maybe this was one-sided. Maybe she didn’t want me near her at all. I’m no mind reader, but all the signs were there. She was attracted to me. That was clear, but that was all I knew. All I knew for sure anyway.

I pulled back from her. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t lead her on. She was too sweet, and too pure. I’d already proved to her what an ass I was. No need to make it worse.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Making things right, I told you.” Only this time I really was.

“What if?” She started to ask something but hesitated. I thought she was going to try again, but the look on her face was strange. She was afraid to say it, or confused.

“Just say it Grace.”

She opened her mouth, but snapped it closed hastily.

“Say it.” I pushed.

“What if I want you to kiss me?” Her lips were moving so quickly that I barely caught what she said. Her eyes dropped down to the ground.

“You do?” I asked playfully. I wasn’t stupid. I knew she wanted me to kiss her. I could see it all over her. The attraction was there.

“Don’t make me say that again?” She smacked my chest.

Her innocence was truly the prettiest thing about her. It was like it glowed around her and made her brighter, and more beautiful.

“You’re so damn cute.” I admitted.

She blushed and looked up at me through her long dark lashes.

“I can’t kiss you.” I said, and a horrified look came over her face. “Don’t do that. Don’t think that this has anything to do with you, because it doesn’t. I want to kiss you. I want to kiss you bad, but for all the wrong reasons. I’d just be leading you on. I’d be pretending that this was something that would lead to something more, and it wouldn’t. I can’t.”

She started to reply but Kennedy interrupted. Grace took two swift steps back away from me when she heard Kennedy’s footsteps approaching. Her back was flush against the wall and her eyes were glued to the floor.

“I got an email from my professor and she agreed to meet with me, but she wants me to meet her super early in the morning. I’m sorry Grace. I hate to make you get up early, but I don’t have a choice. Looks like I’ll be taking you home at the crack of dawn in the morning.”

“That’s no problem. I’m used to getting up early.”

“This is really early. We would have to be up by five.” Kennedy explained.

Grace laughed. “Seriously it’s not that early. I’ll get up.”

“I’ll take you home.” I said. I wanted to.

“No, that’s okay.” She said, without even so much as a glance in my direction.

“I’ll take you home Grace.” I was more serious this time, and wasn’t about to take no for an answer.

Kennedy spoke up for her. “That’d be great brother. Then little Gracie here can get her beauty sleep.

Grace rolled her eyes. “Stop calling me that.” She giggled and so did Kennedy. I was lost, but sweet Grace was back.

“I don’t have to leave until ten.” I said.

“Okay.” Grace replied.

“Goodnight.” I said as I walked away and left the girls standing in the kitchen.

I walked into the bedroom and closed the door behind me. I threw myself onto my bed and groaned into my pillow. She was knocking all my damn screws loose. Every last one of them had come undone. I couldn’t function around her. I closed my eyes tight, and willed the sleep to come.

Please come.

17

Grace

I heard Kennedy get up and leave this morning, but I didn’t open my eyes to let her know that I was awake. I had been lying there for the last two hours careful not to stir and wake her. Sleep was painfully hard after my encounter with Jackson in the kitchen last night. I’d grown impossibly brave next to him. I had wanted him to kiss me so bad, but he didn’t. I pretended that I was okay with it, but I wasn’t. It only confirmed what I already knew. He didn’t want to be seen with me, or lead me to believe that he wanted something more. I’d have to try and find away to erase him from my head.

That was a task that I was clearly going to lose at.

I could have easily told Kennedy I was awake and let her drive me home, but instead I laid there in the bed pretending to sleep so that I could ride with Jackson. Sheesh. This was already ugly.

There was a light tap on the bedroom door and when I glanced at the clock it said 7:00 a.m. Some one else was up too. I smiled just thinking about Jackson being on the other side of the door. Then I wanted to kick myself for smiling.

I opened the door just as Jackson was walking away.

“I’m sorry. Did I wake you up?” He asked.

 I shook my head no.

“I made some breakfast if you want something to eat.”

“You cooked?” I asked. I was shocked.

“Don’t get too excited. It’s scrambled eggs and toast. And if the toast happens to be a little dark and crunchy, and the eggs are a little rubbery, well don’t blame me.” He smiled.

Wait, did he say eggs? My eyes were so focused on his bare chest that my ears didn’t even register that he was speaking.

“Did you say eggs?”

He laughed and rubbed his chest. Clearly I’d been caught. He was the hottest thing I’d seen in person besides that Liam guy that was on the cover of one of those fru fru magazines that were at my local grocery store back home.

“Keep that up, and we won’t make it too the kitchen.” He turned around and walked away leaving me standing there with my mouth hung open. My feet were planted and I couldn’t move. Nope. No moving. They suddenly felt like they weighed a hundred pounds apiece. Why did he say things like that? I had a love hate relationship with that mouth of his, more of love, love relationship actually. I loved what came out of it, the way it moved, the way his breath felt against my face, and the way his bottom lip was so much fuller than the top one. Good grief.

It was just words Grace. Take a deep breath and pull yourself together.

“I’m just teasing Grace.” He called out from the end of the hallway.

The breath that I didn’t even realize I was holding came barreling out. He had never been that open with me before, granted his mouth got away from him at times. Even though it was the boldest thing a guy had ever said to me, I still liked it. I liked it way too much.

We ate our rubbery eggs in silence for the first five minutes. I barely even looked up, too frightened that I’d get embarrassed from his earlier confessions.

“If you want to get dressed, I can take you home when we’re done.” Jackson finally broke the silence.

“Okay.” I sat my fork down. The house was so quiet. “Where are your parents?” I asked. I hadn’t seen them and was hoping I’d get to meet them.

“My dad works a lot, but when he’s not working they take a lot of trips. My mom goes with him on work trips too.” He explained.

“That sounds nice. They must get a long great.”

“Yeah. It’s kind of disgusting actually.” He said, scrunching up his perfect nose.

I rolled my eyes. He must find that the act of love a disgusting thing. Not me though.

“What about your parents?” He asked.

“What about them?” I stood up from the table and carried my plate to the sink.

He stared at me from across the room. “I don’t know. Do you talk to them? Do they work? You never say much about them.”

“No, I don’t talk to them much. My dad is a farmer, and my mom is a housewife. She stayed home and homeschooled me and my brother.” I explained.

“Why don’t you talk to them?”

I eyed him from the sink. “It’s complicated.” That was as much detail as I cared to give.

“Were you always homeschooled?”

“Yep,” I replied.

“Wow, that’s crazy. I couldn’t imagine being homeschooled.”

“It wasn’t too bad.”

“I don’t believe you,” he said as he walked over and stood beside me in front of the sink. “No friends, and no sports.” He shook his head. “I would’ve been miserable.”

“Yeah, you wouldn’t have lasted a week.” I exaggerated. But it was probably the truth. I couldn’t begin to imagine what he would be like if he didn’t have sports or his popularity. “I’m going to go change and then I’ll be ready to go. Thanks for breakfast.”

“You’re welcome. I feel bad that you actually swallowed it.”

“If I come down with some horrible virus then I will’ve learned my lesson.”

“Ye of so little faith.” He held his hand against his chest above his heart. Gosh, he was adorable.

“Get dressed, would ya?” I stomped off smiling.

I am Free

We pulled up in front of the house and my heart dropped to my feet. There, parked against the curb was my fathers green pick up truck. I knew it was his. The same bumper sticker that had been on the back bumper for years was still there.

What was he doing there? Was he coming to get me?

“Please keep going.” I cried out.

“What?”

“Don’t stop Jackson, please.” I fought to catch my breath. I didn’t want to go back home. I couldn’t go back. I just couldn’t.

“Where do you want to go?” He asked frantically. He had no idea what was going on.

“Drop me off anywhere. I don’t care. Just not there.” I pleaded.

“What’s wrong Grace?”

“Just drive.” I pleaded.

I rocked back and forth in the seat, trying to calm myself down. I don’t know why I was getting so worked up. He couldn’t make me go. Or could he? The power he had over me was great. I knew that I’d be relentless against his words.

I was eighteen years old. I was legally old enough to leave, but he had such a hold on me. He held all the control over my life and I couldn’t stand it. All I wanted was to be free, and he wasn’t going to let that happen. I couldn’t stand up to him. I’d break down into a million little pieces, and he would see to it that the power was all his.

Poor Aunt Darcy. What was he saying to her? Would he hurt her? I tried my best to calm down, but I felt like I was about to hyperventilate.

We pulled up into a parking lot on the campus at the college and he turned off the ignition. My mind was racing, filling with crazy thoughts of what my father might say or do. That scared feeling I used to get when I was near him was overtaking me. I was back to being eleven years old. Back to being the child that my father scolded every chance he could. I’d hoped that I’d never have to feel that way again, but I was wrong.

“Start talking, because you’re freaking me out.” Jackson said as he turned to face me. He reached for my hand and held inside of his.

“Can I use your phone?” I asked.

He pulled the phone off the charger, pushed a couple of buttons, and handed it to me. “Just dial the number and then hit the green button.” He said.

I dialed Aunt Darcy’s home phone and waited for her to pick up.

“Hello.” She answered.

“Aunt Darcy, it’s me.”

There was a short pause. “Vicki, it’s so nice to hear from you.” What? I was confused. Who was Vicki?

“No, it’s Grace.” I said.

“Yes, Vicki, how are you?” She said the name again.

Suddenly it clicked; she didn’t want my father to know that it was me on the other end of the line.

“I drove by the house and I know that dad is there.”

“Yes, yes, that’s right.” She said in a cheerful tone.

“I’ll be back later when he is gone.”  I said, rushing the conversation.

“That sounds great.”

“I’m so sorry Aunt Darcy.” I nearly broke down into tears.

“Oh no dear, don’t you worry about it. I’ll get those papers for you as soon as I can.”

She was a great actress. Even I believed her, and I was on the other end of her performance.

“See you later.”

“You have a good day too Vicki. I’ll talk to you soon. Bye, bye,” she said as she hung up the phone.

“Why can’t you see your dad?” Jackson spoke up again as soon as I handed him the phone. He wasn’t going to let it go.

“I don’t want to talk about it Jackson.” I opened the door and climbed out. I was going to spend the rest of the day walking if I had to, anything to keep from having to go back there and see him.

“Oh no you don’t.” He rushed after me. “You owe me a little more explanation than that. I’m worried about you. Whatever happened back there,” he said as he pointed to his car. “It scared me. I was worried.”

I stopped walking and looked up at him. There were deep wrinkles on his forehead where he was frowning at me. There was definitely worry in his eyes, and I had to tell him something.

“I ran away.” I blurted out.

He cocked his head to the side. “Aren’t you eighteen?” He asked.

I nodded. “I am, but I left my parents in the middle of the night. They had no idea I was leaving. I caught the first bus here, and I’ve been staying with my aunt.”

“It’s not running away when you’re eighteen. It’s moving out.”

I sighed. “I told you it’s complicated. Now please don’t make me talk about it anymore.” I begged.

“Okay, I won’t, but I’m not going to let you just walk around like your lost or something. Come on. Get back into the car and we’ll go somewhere.”

I didn’t have the strength or will to argue. He was right. I had no idea about this part of town and I really didn’t want to be wandering the streets alone. I caved easily. Walking back to the car, I climbed in and started to fasten my seatbelt. He leaned in the driver’s side door and gave me a curious glance.

“Do you just want to go someplace quiet?” He asked. His clear blue eyes stared directly at me. Quiet sounded like the best idea in the world.

“That’d be great.”

“Then unbuckle your seat belt and come with me.”

My eyes squinted in his direction for a moment, but I did as he said. I stepped out of the car and walked next to him as he led me around the side of a building. We walked in step for a little bit. I had no idea where he was taking me, but I didn’t care. All I knew was that no one was around, and the quiet walk was enough to ease me.

He led me across a long field of grass and up to a chain link fence. It was the back of a baseball field, a very large baseball field. I assumed that we were still on the campus, but there wasn’t a sole around. He sat down on a patch of grass and leaned his back up against the fence. Then patted the ground next to him for me to join. I gave him a small smile than plopped down beside him. Literally I plopped, as if the weight of the world was on my shoulders.

It wasn’t really. There were people who had it a lot worse than I did, than I ever did, people who would probably give anything to have my life. I was being childish, but I was holding out hope that once he couldn’t find me, that he’d stop looking. That he’d finally leave me be, once he realized I was never coming home. I wanted to stop having nightmares. I wanted to never think about home being anywhere but Aunt Darcy’s.

Silly, I know. But I could still hope.

I’m not quite sure how long we had been sitting there, but the day seemed to pass by quickly. I was lost in thought thinking about my dad, and how much rage he was probably carrying for me. He couldn’t take me away. I loved it here. I didn’t want to go. I’m sure people that ran away from their homes probably did everything imaginable, like scary unmentionable things.

I didn’t.

That wasn’t me. It wasn’t the kind of person that I was. I didn’t want to be free because I wanted more. I wanted to be free because I wanted less. Less hurt, less abuse, less guilt, and most of all less heartache.

I felt Jackson’s hand grab hold of mine and snap me out of the daze that I was in. He squeezed it gently. I glanced up at him through hooded eyes. “You hungry?” He asked.

“What time is?”

“Just past four o’clock.”

“In the afternoon.” I looked at him in shock. Had we been sitting here that long?

He let out a soft laugh before replying, “It’s certainly not four in the morning.”

I let him pull on my hand to help lift me from the ground. “Wait, didn’t you have some place you had to be?”

“Yeah,” he tugged me to him, and wrapped his arms tightly around me. “Right here.” He said.

The scent of him was all around me. It was like a blanket that I never wanted to let go of. He smelled so good. I wrapped my arms around his waist and fisted my hands in his shirt. I rested my head against his lower chest and breathed him in. It felt safe, so safe that I didn’t want to let go of him. Not ever. I was the girl who felt unfamiliar in a hug, not the girl who enjoyed one, but he was different.

“Grace.” He spoke softly.

I lifted my head up but kept my body close to him.

He slowly moved his head down to towards me. My body trembled beneath him. My lips were shaking and my heart was racing. This was it. He was going to kiss me. Could I breathe? I wasn’t sure. My world stopped. Every inch closer that he moved made my heart skip a beat. His eyes shifted from my eyes down to my lips, and then back up again. I wanted that kiss so bad.

Please kiss me Jackson. I repeated inside my head.

The heat between us was intense. It was breathtaking. He stopped just short of my lips and looked at me deeply. I thought maybe he was waiting for me to say that it was okay, so I smiled just barely. He closed the gap in an instant, pressing his soft, warm lips to mine.

I don’t know where my heart went but it felt like it was taking flight from my chest. So soft and gentle, he moved his lips slowly over mine. It was so much better than I expected. A hundred times better.

The electric current flowing through my body was unlike any feeling I’d ever had before. It consumed me. I kissed him back harder because I couldn’t get enough of him. I wanted to stay like that forever. I figured the deeper that I pressed into him, the more real it would feel. Wrong. It made me feel like I was floating on a cloud and that every part of my body was under a hot, steady, stream of water.

I felt the tip of his tongue press against my lips.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

That was when I realized that I was supposed to open my mouth. When I did, he slipped his tongue gently inside of mine. Forget what I said earlier. This was the moment that my heart took flight in my chest. The tingles were all the way to my toes. It didn’t get better than that. It couldn’t. I never knew that it could feel that way, and that I’d want to be this close to someone.

A sound came from him that made me weak in the knees. He loved it too. It triggered something deep inside me. I clenched the back of his shirt and pulled myself to him with all the force I had. I kissed him back as if he were the last person in the world. I kissed him as if I needed him to breathe.

My breath was gone. My heart was gone, every plausible thought in my mind, gone.

When ours lips shifted apart, he held me up. I needed that. My knees were weak and my legs unsteady. If I tried to stand there on my own, I’d be a goner. I’d fall straight to the ground.

There was a bright smile on his face.

“That was amazing.” He said.

“The best first kiss ever.” I admitted. It just slipped out, but I didn’t care.

“First kiss?” His head dropped to the side. “That was your first kiss? I was your first kiss?”

I could feel the heat in my face. Embarrassing moments were my thing. “Well, technically it was my second kiss. If you count the one you gave me on my cheek.”

“That’s hot.” He brushed his lips against mine for a second, than pulled back a little. “Damn that’s hot.”

I giggled into his chest.

“Let’s go get food.” I said.

“Let’s go.” He took me by the hand and walked me back to my car.

I wasn’t sure what had changed. He was acting so different. I didn’t know what had gotten into him, but I couldn’t escape the feelings that were taking over inside me. They were strong. I didn’t know Jackson that well, but I couldn’t deny what was happening. Something was happening, and it made me happy. It made me forget all of the worries that were waiting for me at home.

I read about these kinds of feelings before in century old tales and stories. When you have no television, books become your best friend. Well, books and radio. But reading about it, and feeling it were two completely different things. My parents weren’t like that. They didn’t show their feelings, so this was all so new to me.

I could get used to those lips on mine.

Seriously, I could.