Текст книги "Beautiful Misery"
Автор книги: Chandin Whitten
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Текущая страница: 17 (всего у книги 18 страниц)
26
Annie
Picking up a handful of sand I watched as it fell through my fingers. I felt hands rub my shoulders and Gage’s rough voice asked, “You ok?”
I had to do this. I had to end it. This was too much. I loved Gage. I guess sometimes you can love someone too much. Gage sat beside me. He pulled his knees up and rested his arms on them. I knew he could feel it. He wasn’t a moron.
“When do you decide to throw the towel in? To give up? Admit that you’re fighting a lost cause?” I looked up from the sand, to see Gage watching me. “This is too much, Gage. I am so tired of fighting this. Fighting the inevitable. I quit. I can’t do this anymore. It’s breaking me down. I’m not happy.”
Gage looked at the crashing waves. “I gave you your family, Annie. What more do you want?” He let out an empty laugh, “You know, the last time a girl ended things with me it was on the beach, too.”
“This is what I’m talking about. I feel like I am the only person fighting for us. Was I just a girl who kept your dick wet? Is that all I was?” I could hear my voice getting higher.
Gage ground his teeth. His jaw was ticking. He snapped his head to me and yelled, “What the fuck? I gave you what you wanted so you would be happy. You told me you wanted to be with me, only me. I agreed. I wanted you to be happy. Do you know how many girls I told no because I had made a promise to you?”
“Wow! Seriously, that’s all you can say? You’re not even going to try and stop me from leaving?”
“What the hell do you want, Annie? I could tell you I can’t breathe without you, but that would be a lie. I don’t need someone to breathe. I could tell you I would die without you, but that would be a lie. I will keep on livin’ long after you’re gone. I could profess my undying love but again, fuckin’ lie. I don’t love you. I can’t love you. I won’t love you. Not the way you want me to.”
Jumping to my feet, I took off walking down the beach toward Gage’s house. “Fuck you Gage Tucker. I am done with this back and forth shit. When you figure out what you want, talk to me. Maybe I will forgive you. Until then, screw you.”
I needed to pack my stuff and go. I was done with his games. My heart and my head couldn’t take anymore. Walking into his house, I shut the door and ran up the stairs to his room. I had my stuff packed and in my car before Gage walked into the house. I saw him coming through the back door as I was shutting the front door, tossing my key onto the entry table just before the door closed. I didn’t wait to see if Gage was going to come after me. I got in my car and drove away. Leaving my heart behind.
Pulling into the driveway of my small two bedroom condo I shut my car off. Gabe was still gone. I had time to unpack and get my shit together. My son didn’t need to see me a mess.
Walking into my bedroom I saw the picture of Gage and I from his first game as a Saint. He was covered in sweat and looked amazing.
I lost it.
“You have to go. You already RSVP’d that you would be there. I need you to be there. I don’t want to sit by myself watching Trent’s friends get married. I mean the few times I have been around them they seem pretty cool but boo! Don’t make me go alone. Pretty please?” Leigha was practically begging at this point.
Flopping down on my bed I let my breath out. “I can’t be around him. I love Sadie and I don’t want to hurt her but I don’t want drama to ensue at her wedding.”
Leigha stood her ground. “Damn you hard headed woman. Get off your damn ass, get a sexy little dress on and let’s go. This isn’t about you and Gage. This is for Tyler and Sadie. Ignore dumbass and have fun. Maybe you can meet some hot football player and make Gage cray jelly. But you need to get your ass ready and to the wedding to do that. Now let’s go!”
Rolling my eyes I shoved off my bed and to my feet. “Will you shut the hell up? I’m getting ready. Now go away.”
“Yay! I can’t go anywhere. Who else is going to make you look bangable? Oh, I know, you should wear that light yellow gown you got for that awards show you are supposed to go to with Gage. It fits you perfect. It’s long and flowy and makes you look like a beach angel. Totally hot.”
Groaning, I said sarcastically, “What’s wrong with what I have on?” Looking down at my over-sized tee shirt and sweatpants, I smirked.
Leigha stuck her tongue out before turning on her heel and walking to my closet. Flinging the door back she rummaged through my clothes. “Ah! Here it is. It’s even more gorgeous than I remember. It will get all the guys attention.”
“Whatever. I don’t want attention. I just want to go say congrats to Sadie and Ty then leave.”
“Oh don’t worry sweetie. I will have you leaving, just not by yourself. Some big, ripped, manly football player will be taking your hot little ass home tonight.”
Yanking the dress from Leigha I stomped into the bathroom to get changed.
After changing I let her attempt to tame my hair. She pinned it to the side with my natural curls laying over my shoulder. It was simple but looked good.
“Let’s make those beautiful blues shine,” Leigha said as she pulled my makeup bag out from under the bathroom sink. “Sit. I got this covered. Just close your eyes and when you open them you will look like a magical fairy princess.”
“What the hell? Did a unicorn shit in your yogurt this morning? Everything coming out of your mouth is covered in glitter and sparkles.”
She huffed. “No. I’m just happy. Not everyone has gone weeks without sex.”
Good point.
Twenty minutes later Leigha stepped away from me, a huge smile on her face. “I knew my best friend was a hot mama but damn girl. You are gorgeous.”
Spinning on the toilet seat to look in the mirror, my jaw dropped. “Wow.”
Giggling, she said, “Yeah. I know. Now let’s go so we aren’t late.”
Of course, Sadie and Tyler’s wedding was on the beach. The beach directly behind Gage’s bar. The bar I haven’t stepped foot in since I walked away from Gage that day on the beach. Leigha found a parking spot in the lot and pulled her car in. “Ready Freddy?”
Damn. I really needed to find a new best friend. She was perkier than her perfect perky boobs.
Opening my door, I said, “Sure. Let’s get this over with.”
Letting my eyes roam, I was instantly looking for Gage. Not seeing him in the crowd of people made a little knot form in my stomach. As much as I hated to say it, I was hoping to see him.
Lacing her arm through mine, Leigha softly said, “He’s here. I’m sure he’s locked away with Tyler somewhere. Sadie didn’t want Tyler to see her before the wedding. Relax.”
…And that’s why I wouldn’t find a new best friend. She knew me better than I knew myself sometimes.
I smiled. Without saying anything I led us to a row of white folding chairs a few rows from the front. On the seat waiting for all the guest was a small glass vase filled with sand and seashells. Etched on the glass was this verse which had me fighting my tears.
LOVE.
Love is Patient.
Love is Kind.
It does not envy.
It does not boast.
It is not proud.
It is not rude.
It is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered.
Love keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil.
Love rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects.
Love always trusts.
Love always hopes.
Love always perseveres.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
“Hmm.” Leigha was smiling from the seat beside me.
“What?”
“Just thinking how ironic that little verse is. That’s all.”
Crossing my arms over my chest, I slouched down in the chair and kicked at the sand. “I really need a new best friend.” Leigha stuck her bottom lip out like she was Gabe begging for a new toy. “That lip shit doesn’t work with Gabe, it sure as hell isn’t going to work with you.” She stuck her tongue out before opening the program she grabbed on our way in.
Soft music started playing. Looking back I saw Tyler walking up the isle with the pastor. Tyler looked happy. Making the mistake of looking back again, I saw Gage walking two older ladies down the aisle. The woman on his left looked identical to Sadie. You could tell the woman on his right was related to Tyler, though the resemblance wasn’t as close as Sadie and her mom. He started laughing when Sadie’s mom whispered something to him. His eyes scanned the crowd. He found me. Once our eyes locked he never took them off of me. Even turning his head back once he was passed me to keep his eyes locked with mine.
I wanted to look away. I wanted to, but I didn’t. I stood when I heard the bridal march play, but never looked at Sadie. I couldn’t. Gage had all my attention.
Have you ever seen those episodes of Charlie Brown where the adults talk but all you hear is WHAAA WHAAA WHAAA? That was exactly what I was experiencing. All my focus was on Gage. Leigha noticed and nudged me with her elbow, pulling me out of my Gage trance. I was still watching him but I was giving Tyler and Sadie my attention.
As Tyler repeated his vows to Sadie it looked as if Gage was saying those same vows to me.
Why? Why would he do this to me?
Leaning over so I was close to Leigha’s ear I whispered, “I can’t do this, Le. As soon as they say ‘I do’ I’m outta here.”
Leigha slowly shook her head and simply said, “No.”
Using all my strength I forced myself to look away from Gage. Looking at Sadie and Tyler I could see how in love they were. With four little girls they had everything in life. Everything I would never have. When the pastor gave Tyler the okay to kiss his bride he grabbed Sadie around the neck, dipping her down and kissing her hard. The perfect, romantic kiss. The cherry on top of my ‘poor Annie’ sundae.
Everyone stood and clapped as Tyler and Sadie walked back down the aisle hand in hand.
“Trent said cocktails would be served in the bar while they got pictures then we can come back down to the tent for the reception.” Leigha pointed passed me to a giant white tent, lined with candles.
“I really don’t want to do this, Le. Just looking at him makes my stomach hurt.”
“You miss him. It’s expected. Love isn’t easy. Dumbass is a fuck up. But, you can’t help who you love. Have a drink and don’t let Gage ruin your night. Let’s have fun.”
“I’m trying. I was doing okay until I saw him. I can’t be around him. Not yet.”
“I’ll tell Trent to keep him away. Trent can be like your body guard.”
Raising an eyebrow I asked, “Nothing going on with you two, huh? Just friends, my ass. You two can stop sneaking around. It’s not just a hookup when y’all can’t breathe without each other.”
Leigha’s cheeks pinked and her smile covered her face. “Like I said, you can’t help who you love. Now let’s have a drink.”
Shaking my head I followed Leigha up the steps and into the bar. I hadn’t been in here since I left Gage almost three weeks ago. Bittersweet.
Walking up to the bar I used to work behind I saw Barker lining glasses on the wooden top. “Hey girl. Didn’t expect to see you in here again.”
“What? Why not? It’s a free country. My friends got married and it just so happens their wedding was here.”
Barker smirked and filled the glasses with ice. He said, “I heard about you and owner man. He’s been in here a few times since you left. He’s miserable. He’s an ass. He really needs to get a piece of ass.” Barker laughed at his own joke.
“Yeah, well not my problem. Not, anymore.” I rolled my eyes and grabbed a glass. Scooting it in front of Barker I said, “Hurricane, please.”
“My pleasure, sweetheart.”
Barker was cute in his own rebel without a cause sorta way. He always had his shoulder length black hair held back with a hair tie. His light green eyes gave away his true innocent personality. All his tattoos didn’t do anything for his badboy persona. The guy was a big ol’ softie.
“Here you go, darlin’. Enjoy.” Barker slid the full glass towards me.
“Thank you.” I smiled and walked over to where Leigha was standing.
“Trent just text me and said we can start making our way to the tent.”
“Ready when you are. Got my liquid courage.” I held up my glass and gave it a little shake, careful as not to spill it. Bringing it to my lips I took a big drink and followed Leigha back down the steps and into the large white tent.
Thankfully Sadie had made the seating chart and put Leigha and I at the same table. The DJ’s voice filled the tent, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have been told it’s time to get this party started. And, here to get things going is the wedding party. Tonight we have Ms. Megan Thompson escorted by Mr. Jensen Daniels. Ms. Tara Hampton excorted by Mr. Seth Quinn. Ms. Taylor Hampton escorted by Mr. Trent Carver. Mrs. Jenna Nayler escorted by Mr. Larkin Nayler. Maid of honor Ms. Libby Harte escorted by the best man Mr. Gage Tucker.” Seeing another girl on Gage’s arm had my stomach in knots. The DJ then hit his laptop and You Shook Me All Night Long started playing.”It is with great pleasure I introduce to you, for the very first time Mr. and Mrs. Tyler and Sadie Hampton.” Tyler and Sadie came dancing through their wedding party, stopping at the end only to give their guests another show stopping kiss.
Hearing clinking of glass I looked to the head table where the wedding party had taken their seats. Gage sat his wine glass and spoon down. “Good evening. I’m Gage, Tyler’s best man. One of my many duties was throwing a kick ass bachelor party, but on top of that I have to give a mushy gushy speech. I have known Ty since our freshman year of college. I was lucky enough to have this oversized teddy bear protecting me on the field. But, over the years he has protected me off the field, too. I could tell some crazy stories and make jokes but in all honesty I love this guy like a brother. He and Sadie have something special. And clearly that leads to the bedroom as well. It only took four beautiful little girls before they made it official.” Gage’s eyes scanned the tent until he found me. Dropping his paper on the table he shut his eyes, raking his hand over his face. Opening his eyes, he locked with mine and said more to me than the other guests, “Ty and Sadie have a love that I have known. I had that something special once, then I was stupid and lost it. I regret it every minute of every day. I hope that one day I will get that something back and Ty can stand up here telling funny stories at my wedding.” Gage turned, dropping eye contact to look at Tyler and Sadie. “Here’s to having a love so special that you never stop fighting. Love you guys.” Sadie and Tyler both stood, hugging Gage.
Feeling a tear escape and slide down my cheek I hurried and wiped it away before anyone noticed. Libby gave a speech I didn’t hear a word of. Everything Gage had said was still ringing in my head. A waiter came by dropping off our food. My stomach turned. I couldn’t eat. Not after the speech Gage just gave. Pushing my food around my plate I forced a few bites down.
Sadie and Tyler had hired Phoenix Rising as their band. They were staged at the front of the tent and started playing as plates were gathered from the tables. Letting my elbows rest on the table, I played with the seashell that was made into a placecard. A light tap on my shoulder had me turning to look behind me. When my eyes met with those amazing blue eyes I felt my heart rate pick up.
Gage reached for my hand, “May I?”
Hesitating, I searched his face. “Why? Why now, Gage?”
“Please just dance with me.” His face was blank but his voice was pleading. Placing my hand in his I let him lead me to the dance floor. Once we were in the middle of everyone he whirled me around to face him. He pulled me in close, one hand on my lower back, his thumb rubbing slowly up and down, the way I loved. And he knew it. “I may not be perfect. I may not be your first date, your first kiss, or your fist love. I don’t care about that. All I care about is that I’m your last.
His bright blue eyes were shining under the twinkling light. I could see the pain and the hurt in them. I wanted to know what he was thinking. “Gage, why?”
Looking over my shoulder he asked, “Why not?”
I tried to pull away but he tightened his grip. “I’m not playing games. I’m done with that. I want anwers. Why now?” Gage kissed my forehead. That small spot his lips touched was on fire. Sending tingles all over my body. “Please. I at least deserve an answer.”
Lowering his head he lightly kissed my temple. Causing me to shiver. His lips whispering against my skin he said, “Because, Annie, I believe God sent you into my life when I needed you the most. He sent you to give me something to fight for. To show me that there was still love in this world. To give me hope and to bring me happiness. I guess you are proof that when you finally let go of the past something better, something magical comes along.” He paused, taking a deep breath. “I’m so afraid that one day you will realize what an ass I am and I will lose you for good, if I haven’t already. I need you. I need you to be mine. My life has been shit until you came crashing into it. Nothing has made since until you. Until us. I don’t want to lose this. Lose you. Us. I want this forever. “I love you and its fuckin’ killing me. Every day, every night, every fuckin’ moment…I miss you. I miss us. The way it used to be. I miss our family. I want it back. Please, just tell me what I have to do.”
My eyes were filled with tears. The words I wanted to hear weeks ago. I was in love with this man. I rested my head on his firm chest. “Gage, I am a giant mess. Probably the last thing you need in your life, but I love you. I am yours. Totally and completely. I have been since the day we met. Can’t you see that? I loved you at that darkest point of your life and I’ve never stopped.”
Placing his fist under my chin he pulled my face up to his. “I am in love with you, Annie. With everything I have. I am yours.”
He’s in love with me. He. Is. In. Love. With. Me.
Covering my mouth with his he slowly kissed me. Just as he started kissing me the band started playing I Won’t Give Upby Jason Mraz.
The perfect song. Our song.
Gage
Annie looked up at me, her face a mix of emotions. “We need to talk.”
I nodded. “I know. Do you want to walk on the beach?”
“Sure.”
On our way out I grabbed a bottle of champagne and two glasses. Annie was walking along the water, her dressed gathered in one hand so it didn’t get wet, her shoes in her other hand. Worrying her top lip she stopped faced me. “I know I told you it didn’t matter but I need to know. Did you sleep with anyone else while we were still friends?”
That was simple. “No. I haven’t looked at another female since I met you. I had plenty of chances, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. They weren’t you. I wanted you and I was willing to wait until you were ready.”
She looked shocked. Looking away, she dug her toes into the sand. “Why couldn’t you tell me that before?”
Shrugging, I said, “I was scared. I didn’t want to feel what I was feeling. I thought I was protecting myself. Turns out I was doing the opposite. I didn’t just hurt myself though, I hurt you. That is the hardest part. I never wanted to hurt you. I wanted to push you away so you would run and I could blame you when everything fell apart. Nobody is to blame but me for all the shit.”
I hated myself every day for all the stupid shit I put her through. I was one lucky son of a bitch. Anyone else would have high tailed it the hell outta dodge. Not Annie, she stuck it out until I more or less told her to leave.
Annie sat just out of reach of the tide rolling in. I took a seat in the sand next to her and pulled her close to me, leaving my arm around her waist. “You found my sister and my mom for me. You gave me the family I always wanted. Gage, I want to be with you. I want us to be a family. But, at what expense? I can’t and won’t play your games. I have a son to think about. You can’t be a yo-yo in his life, coming and going as you please. Jase, the guy he looked up to as a father figure is leaving soon. Thanks to you, not that it’s a bad thing. I’m glad he is following his dreams. I’m happy for him, but Gabe will be left with no one. I would love for you to fill that role but it has to be permanent.”
“I love Gabe, you know that. I would love to be his dad and teach him how to play football and how to drive when he’s older. My track record with you isn’t the best but no matter what has happened between the two of us I have always stayed close to him. I don’t expect him to call me dad and buy me a tie on father’s day. I just want to be someone he can turn to and rely on. He has made his way into my heart, just like his mom.”
Watching her chest rise and fall, her breath accelerating with each intake I ran my nose up her cheek. I stopped at her temple and lightly kissed up her hairline. “This kind of craving we have is uncontrollable…unstoppable. We can feel it in our breathing, our kissing, and our touching. Sending passion and want through our veins and straight to our hearts. My past hasn’t been the best and I’m still learning. But, I know one thing for sure. I must have you. You’re mine and I’m yours.”
“Gage, we are like fire and ice. Ninety percent of the time we are fighting and yelling. The other ten percent of the time we are tangled up together. With us, it’s hot and cold. There’s no happy middle.”
Seeing the doubt in her eyes I grabbed her face and smashed my mouth to hers. I had missed this, her sweet taste. The taste that I had been craving. Pulling back I rested my forehead to hers and said, “Annie, it’s the fourth quarter with three seconds left in the game. I’m throwing a Hail Mary here and praying you catch it for the touchdown.” I pulled my face back to look her in the eyes. “You are the one I need, you’re the only one for me. There is something about you that I’m so damn scared to lose because I know I would never find it in someone else. I know how fuckin’ crazy I can be, but all I’m asking for is another chance. We can’t start over but we can start now and make a new ending. I am in love with you. Only you.”
Watching her eyes tear up and hearing the hitch in her breath was almost too much. I could feel her drawing away from me. I was losing her. I held onto her hands even tighter. Looking into her tear-filled eyes I could see doubt and hurt and sadness. But what kept me holding on, I could see the love she had for me. For us. I had known for a while that I was in love with her. I had been too damn scared to tell her. There had only been two girls in my life that I had said I loved and they both left me. I had been too afraid to take that risk again, but not anymore. This woman was worth the risk. She was worth everything.
Her eyes searched mine as her tears fell and a smile formed on her beautiful face. “I have waited so long to hear you say those words. I love you, too, Gage. So much.”
I didn’t give her a chance to say anything else before I was crushing my mouth to hers. Pouring everything I had into that kiss. “I love you, Annie Holland.”
She was my one. The one I wanted to spend my forever with.
Sometimes you have to fall to rise again. You have to make mistakes to live and learn. You have to be hurt to be thankful you’re alive. It’s something that is denied to many– like Cobie and Derek. But, we have to breathe, think, laugh, smile, love, and hurt. There will be sadness in our journey, its part of life. But, there is also so much beauty. We can’t stop living though, we have to push forward. You never know what’s waiting on the other side. Your Annie could be just around the corner.
