Текст книги "Beautiful Misery"

Автор книги: Chandin Whitten

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Текущая страница: 16 (всего у книги 18 страниц)

His eyes widened slightly. “Oh. You saw her?” His voice was tight.

“Obviously,” I stated flatly.  His eyes darted around the room. I could tell he was trying to make up an excuse. “Are you going to tell me? Don’t lie to me, Gage. Anything else we can work out. But, not a lie.”

He ran his hands through his hair. “She was no one.”

“You looked awfully close to no one.”

“I can’t tell you who she was. You just have to trust me. I’m not perfect, but I wouldn’t cheat.”

Trust him! Was he fuckin’ nuts? I saw him all over some blonde and he expects me to trust him. Bullshit. I bolted off the couch. “I don’t want fucking perfect. I want honest. No. I’m done trusting and believing. Life isn’t some God damn fairytale. Life is nasty. Especially mine. I was dealt a shit hand from the beginning. I’ve survived. I have Gabe, that’s all I need.”

Gage raked his hands through his hair and dropped to his knees. “Please don’t do this. All I’m asking for is a little trust. I swear it’s not what you think. You, Londyn, and Gabe are all I have left. I swear I can fix this. We aren’t broken, this can be fixed.”

Closing my eyes so my tears wouldn’t fall I shook my head. “No, Gage. This can’t be fixed. I told you don’t lie to me and EVERYTHING else can be fixed. You lied. I saw with my own eyes…you and some girl together. I can’t deal with another liar in my life. I thought you were genuinely a good guy. Turns out you’re genuinely a good douche bag.”

Starting to turn Gage grabbed my hand. Taking a deep breath I looked down and for the first time ever I saw Gage crying. I wanted to pull him into my arms and tell him everything would be ok…but it wouldn’t. He looked broken. I was broken.

“I’m begging you, please don’t leave. If you leave I have no one.”

Jerking my hand away I took a few steps away from him. Narrowing my eyes I said, “That’s not true. You have a family. You have friends. You have a fucking daughter that needs you. Her mother is gone, Gage. You. That’s the only parent she has left. I’m not going to be that pathetic girlfriend of the rich football star who stays home to raise their kids while he’s out screwing around. When you get your shit together, then and only then, do I want to be with you.”

Grabbing the doorknob I looked back one last time to see Gage bent over, his head resting on the floor. His body shaking with sobs. Just as my tears started to fall I turned and walked out, shutting the door behind be. Hoping I didn’t just make the biggest mistake of my life.

24

Gage

Sitting at the kitchen bar, I watched as my mom, Jenna’s mom, and Cobie’s mom prepared the food for Christmas dinner. I hadn’t seen or talked to Annie in almost three weeks. It was killing me. My mom leaned on the counter, her eyes speaking louder than her words. She was hurting for me. “Sweetie, why don’t you go in there with everyone else? Spend time with your friends. We got the food covered. Go relax and try to enjoy yourself.”

My voice cracked. “I want her mom. I need her. I fucked up. Bad. I let her believe I was cheating on her instead of just telling her the truth. She hates me.”

“Is she still bringing Gabe over for dinner and presents?” My mom asked. Completely ignoring everything I just said.

I shrugged. “I hope so. I mean, her mom and sister are still coming. But, I doubt it. Leigha said she would talk to her and if nothing else, maybe she could drop Gabe off for a few hours.”

Placing her hand on mine my mom said, “Honey, I am on your team, always. But, maybe you should have told her what you were doing. She saw you with your arms around some other female. She was hurt. It didn’t help that you wouldn’t explain to her what she was seeing. I know if you tell her what you were trying to do for her she would forgive you.”

“She won’t give me a chance to tell her anything.”

“Make her listen. Sometimes you have to force yourself on someone. Especially someone who has been through everything she has.”

“I don’t know. I want to believe you, but I don’t want to risk it.”

“If you’re not willing to risk it, why should she?” My mom cupped my cheek. “Today, focus on Londyn and her first Christmas. Everything else can wait.”

Swallowing roughly I nodded. “All my problems will be there tomorrow, huh?”

My mom smiled. “Unfortunately, yes they will.”

Hopping off the barstool I drug my feet into the living room where everyone else was sitting around talking and listening to Christmas music. Maybe I wasn’t as alone as I thought. My house was full of smiles and laughter. Everyone I cared about was here. Almost everyone. Jenna was sitting with Sadie and Leigha on the couch, looking at some sordid tabloid. I’m sure it was about one of them and what they were to some function. Women! Tyler, Trent, Larkin, and Kamp were all sitting on the floor, letting the throng of kids climb on them. Jase and Lydia were snuggled in front of the fire, watching the kids play. Ryker and Reid were in a heated battle about some song lyrics. My dad was reading the newspaper, per usual. Jenna’s little brother Dakota had his ear buds in, ignoring the world. Dylan and Mac were sitting next to each other, her arms crossed and head turned away from my brother. He looked desperate. Those two would be married one day, I would bet a million dollars on it. Jinx was sitting with Libby on his lap, both laughing at the kids. Tristan was sitting in the corner on the piano bench. His fingers lightly playing the keys. Walking across the room I grabbed my guitar. I sat on the stone ledge and started following along. He glanced up from the piano and gave me a hard nod. We both understood. We both missed our best friend.

Before I realized we were playing a semi acoustic version of Dear God by Avenged Sevenfold. Tristan softly singing the lyrics. I shut my eyes, letting myself get lost in the music. Music has always been my escape. I hadn’t played my guitar in close to year. It felt good to have it back in my hands. Music was predictable. It was safe.

The hair on my arms pricked up and my heart raced. She was here. She was watching me. I could feel her electricity in the room. I didn’t want to open my eyes and see it was all in my head and that in fact she wasn’t here. I kept playing, my eyes shut. Then, I smelled her. She was close. Slowly, I opened my eyes. Everyone was watching.

Everyone.

She was here. She was watching me. She had tears in her eyes. Our eyes met and it took everything I had not to drop my guitar and run to her, pull her into my arms and tell her how much I loved her. She narrowed her eyes before dropping my gaze. She jerked her head away from me and walked to the Christmas tree, setting the presents she and Gabe had gotten under it. My eyes following her every movement.

She looked around the room, all eyes had shifted from me to her. She looked uncomfortable. Tristan and I ended our little performance. Setting my guitar down I couldn’t stop myself. I started walking toward Annie. She was a magnet that I couldn’t avoid. I didn’t want to.

When she lifted her head and saw me coming toward her she slightly shook her head. “Dinner is served,” Carrie called from the doorway of the dining room.

After everyone was seated, Jenna’s mom raised her glass of wine and tapped it with a fork. “If I could have everyone’s attention. I know none of us here have been big on praying. But, after the last few years we’ve had I think now is as good a time as any to start. Gage would you lead us in prayer?”

All eyes were on me. “Okay, I can do that.” I took a deep breath. Jenna was to my left and reached for my hand. My mom was on my right, placing her hand in mine. Everyone around the table joined hands and bowed their heads. I shut my eyes and spoke softly, “Dear Heavenly Father, as so many doors have closed this year we want to thank you for all the new doors you have opened. Help us and guide us in understanding and our faith. Help us trust in you and lean on you. Thank you for never leaving our sides in our times of need. We wouldn’t be all sitting here together right now if it wasn’t for you. You brought us all together for a reason. Thanks for your many blessings. Amen.” I opened my eyes and lifted my head. Annie was staring at me, her eyes glossy from unshed tears.

My mom tapped my shoulder. “That was perfect, sweetheart.”

Annie dropped her eyes and started scooping food onto her plate. “Yeah. Thanks, mom.”

Sitting back in my chair I watched as the girl I loved laughed, carefree. She looked perfect in my home. Her eyes met with mine and her smile slipped a little. Her eyes filled with sadness. I hated that I was the reason for that. Why did I have to be so damn hard headed? This could have been avoided if I would have told her what I was doing. But, no I wanted it to be a surprise. A surprise that I wouldn’t get to be a part of anymore.

“Who is ready for presents?” I asked over the talking and laughter.

Evie jumped up and down. “Me! Me, Unky Gage!”

“Let me clear the table then we can all retire to the living room for presents and dessert.” My mom sounded so formal.

“Screw the dishes. This is Christmas. You have presents waiting. Come on.”

Everyone made their way to the living room and found the perfect present unwrapping spot. “Who wants to pass out the presents?” Larkin asked.

Tyler stood and walked to the tree that was overflowing with presents. “Just call me Mr. Claus.” Tyler spent the better part of an hour passing out all the presents. “Kids first. Dig in.”

He didn’t have to tell the kids a second time. Wrapping paper was flying. Londyn looked overwhelmed. Sitting beside her I helped her open her mountain of gifts. My mom was walking around snapping picture after picture of all the kids and their new goodies.

“No way!” Gabe screeched.

Most of the adults looked at him. Annie asked, “What?”

He held up the three tickets I had gotten him. “Uncle Jase said Gage got me Superbowl tickets, mom!”

Annie forced a smile. “That is awesome, baby. You need to tell Gage thank you.”

Gabe hopped off the floor and climbed over wrapping paper, people, and presents to get to me. He threw his arms around my neck. “Thank you, Gage.” Having him hug me had my emotions on edge.

I pulled a small square box from my pocket and handed it to him. “Give this to your mom and tell her to open it, please.”

He took the box, nodded and made the journey back to his present unwrapping location.

“Gage, are you serious right now?” Tristan asked from the other side of the room.

Keeping my eyes on Annie, I asked, “What the hell are you talking about?”

“You got us a deal to go to L.A. and record an album.”

“Oh, yeah. I just set up the appointment. The rest is all you guys.”

“Fuckin’ awesome. Thanks, man.”

I nodded.

Annie finally had her present, she glanced at me before taking the paper off. I swear she is the slowest person ever to unwrap a gift. Popping the lid she covered her mouth with one hand. I took that as a good thing.

As if on cue, my doorbell rang.  That could only be two people. Vicky and Heather. Only my mom and Trent knew I had invited them tonight. I looked at Trent who was frozen in place. His smile slipping. He looked as nervous as I was. I wanted to bolt to the door. Instead every step was struggled. It took me further from Annie and closer to her possibly walking out of my life for good. I slowly opened the door to find Heather and Vicky on the other side. The each were holding a few gifts.

Annie

Icouldn’t believe Gage got me a diamond bracelet. It was gorgeous. What had me in tears was the inscription on the inside.

Because Maybe You’re Going To Be The One That Saves Me

I didn’t want to be the one that saved him. I just wanted to be THE one. I was a mess but I was completely in love with him. Pulling the bracelet out of the velvet holder I put it on my wrist. I looked perfect.

When I looked up he was gone. What the hell? Actually the room was quiet. I looked around and saw my face. Well if I had done drugs for twenty five years and was roughly twenty years older. My heart was beating so fast I was waiting for it to jump out of my chest. I tried to talk but my voice left me. I open and shut my mouth over and over. Still no noise was coming.

“Annie?” The blonde that had her arms all over Gage that day in the diner asked from beside my older twin.

“Merry Christmas, Annie.” Gage said from between the two women.

My tears came quick. I didn’t have time to think. I was running. I ran down the hall and into Gage’s office. I slammed the door.

There was a knock on the door before Gage slowly opened it. “Annie, can I come in?”

I couldn’t look at him. “It’s your house.”

He took a few steps in the room and asked, “Did I fuck up by finding your mom and sister? I thought you wanted a family. I wanted to give you that for Christmas.” I looked up. He looked hurt. He wet his lips and took a few steps closer to me. “I wanted our first Christmas together to be special. I had my family and I wanted you to have yours.”

“I…I don’t know. I don’t know what to think.” I was honest.

“What if I have them come in here and the three of you can talk alone?” His voice was small. I had crushed his Christmas present. What did he expect me to do? I hadn’t seen my mom or sister in fifteen years. Did he expect me to drop everything and run to them with open arms?

“Okay,” I said quietly. I wanted him to know I appreciated what he did. As he was walking out of the door I said, “Thank you.”

He paused mid step, looking over his shoulder. “Anything for you, Annie.”

I took a few calming breaths as I waited. There was another knock on the door. “Come in,” I spoke softly.

My mom and sister entered hastily. The three of us just looking at each other.

“Annie, I’m so sorry.” My mom was the first to break the silence. “I never meant to hurt you. I hate myself every day for what I put you and Heather through. Gage told us about your past. If I could, I would go back and do so many things differently. I would have been the mom you two girls deserved.”

Maybe it was the Christmas spirit or maybe it was the little bit of hope I had. I looked in her identical blue eyes and said, “I’m beginning to learn that moving on doesn’t mean that you forget about the things that happened. It just means you have to accept what happened and continue living. That’s what I’m choosing to do. I’m choosing to move on.” I held out my hand for her. “My name is Annie, I’m your daughter.”

Her tears were threatening to spill over. “Hello Annie, I’m Vicky, your mom.”

Heather lunged at me. “Hi, Annie. I’m your sister, Heather.”

We spent most of the night holed up in Gage’s office getting to know each other. I wanted to throw myself in Gage’s arms for giving me my family. At first I wasn’t sure if I wanted this. But after getting to know them, I felt like I finally belonged somewhere. I had a family.

Then I thought about the lie. He chose to let me hurt instead of telling me the truth. I couldn’t handle hurt. I needed time to sort everything out. I wasn’t sure if my love could survive the hurt.

25

Gage

I loved New Year’s Eve. It was a fresh start. A new year, a new chance. Everything I needed.

Leigha promised me she would get Annie here tonight. I was counting on it. Annie wanted to play hard to get…I could play right back. I wanted her, she knew it. She wanted me, I knew it. Now, I just had to prove it to her.

Annie

I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to face Gage. I hadn’t seen him since Christmas. I wasn’t ready. Damn Leigha. If it wasn’t for her and my unableness to tell her no I wouldn’t be here. I could be sitting at home snuggled on the couch with Gabe. Instead, here I am. I’m holding some fruity mixed drink and watching people have fun. Well woo fuckin’ hoo!

My drunk best friend grabbed my drink and held it to my mouth. “Drink up, bitch. I just put in a few requests to Jase and the boys. Hope you remember the dance. We about to get crunk up in this motha fucka.”

Letting the alcohol run down my throat, I drained the glass. “Did you just say crunk?”

Leigha giggled. Holding her hands in the air, she shook around. “Sure did, babycakes. Now, let’s go boogie.”

Boogie…crunk. Oh yeah, she was toasted. “Wait. What dance?”

“You’ll see. I only asked Jase to play one song. He insisted on playing another song. He said it’s dedicated to you. Hurry your ass up. Lydia is at the bar waiting on us.”

Drunk Leigha attached herself to my arm and drug us through the packed dance floor, straight to the bar where Lydia was downing a shot. “What are we doing?” I asked Lydia, hoping to get an answer from her.

She handed me a shot glass and said, “You need to loosen up and have fun. Jase, Leigha, and I decided to make that happen.”

Taking the small glass I tipped it back. The tequila burning all the way down. Slamming the glass on the bar I looked from Leigha to Lydia. “Now what?”

The both held up a finger, telling me to wait one minute. Then I heard it. The Devil Went Down to Georgia. “Coyote Ugly?” I laughed

Both girls nodded and climbed onto the bar. It had been years since we did this dance. The guys used to play the song all the time and we took it upon ourselves to learn the dance from the movie Coyote Ugly. What the hell. Why not?

Hopping on the bar with two of my best friends I fell right into the steps they had already started. I still remembered the dance, thank God. It would have been embarrassing as hell to get up here and my mind go derrr. Letting myself go I shimmied, and shook, and popped. I could hear all the cat calls and hollering coming from the crowd. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t care how slutty I looked. I wanted to have fun and forget.

Looking out at the crowd my eyes instantly found Gage’s. He was at a high top table a few feet from the bar with Trent and a few other guys they played football with. Even from here I could see how dark his eyes were. He was watching me like he was a jungle cat that hadn’t ate for months and I was a juicy steak dangling in front of him. He licked his lips. His mouth twitched. A part of me wanted him to grab me off this bar and take me in the back, fucking me senseless. The more coherent, wiser me wanted to jump off this bar and run. Far, far away. He smirked. He knew.

The song ended and Tristan talked into the microphone. “Ladies and Gentlemen. We have three sexy little ladies waiting at the bar. Five dollars plus tips for a body shot. Go get ‘em.” When he stopped talking the band started playing the beginning cords of Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard.

I had to laugh. Leigha leaned into me. “Jase said this was his song to you.” Body shots. After the guys had a show they would always do body shots off of us. This brings back a lot of memories. Happy memories.

There was a hand being slammed down on the bar by my foot. “One hundred fuckin’ dollars and I want her.” Gage yelled, pointing up at me.

Shit.

“What’ll it be, sir?” The makeshift bartender asked.

Gage looked me in eye and winked. “Tequila. Make it a double.”

Lydia yanked on my arm. “Lay down for that sexy paying customer. He just paid a hundred fucking dollars to lick alcohol off of you when we all know he could do that for free.”

Glaring at her, I said, “I have to pee.”

“Bullshit. Lie down and let him run his mouth over you.”

I could do this. I could play his little games just as good as he could. Taking a calming breath I sat so my legs were hanging over the edge of the bar, spread just enough for Gage to stand between them. Hooking my finger so he would come closer I pulled my bottom lip into my mouth. I knew exactly what that did to him. I heard him growl as I whispered, “You know what I like. You know how to use that tongue of yours. Make me earn that money, baby.”

I leaned back. His eyes were so dark they looked black. Sexy. His eyes were half lidded. He was turned on.

Gage pushed my shoulders back until I was flat on the bar. He lifted my shirt and watched as the bar tender sprinkled salt up my stomach. He looked at Gage, asking, “Mouth or breasts?”

Flicking his eyes to me, Gage answered, “Mouth.”

The bartender nodded and placed the lime in my mouth. He took the bottle of tequila and poured it into my belly button. I tried to keep from squirming. I failed. The way Gage was looking at me had me involuntarily rubbing my thighs together. Thus causing some of the alcohol to spill over and run down my sides.

“She’s all yours, sir.” The bartender said, stepping away.

Gage slowly ran his tongue across his top teeth. He bent over top of me. The moment his tongue hit my stomach I had to grip onto the bar to stop myself from running my hands through his hair. He circled my navel slowly, keeping his eyes locked on mine. I couldn’t watch him any longer. I pinched my eyes shut. He nipped just below my navel before sucking the alcohol up. Then his mouth was on mine. Not long enough. When his lips brushed mine he pulled back, the lime wedge in his mouth. What I wouldn’t give to be that lime.

What started out as me trying to turn him on ended up with my turned on, covered in alcohol, and him smirking before he walked away. Fucker!

Six body shots later the girls and I were hopping off the bar, making our way to the bathroom to wipe our sticky stomachs off. Wiping at my stomach Leigha said, “I didn’t expect Gage to do that. He was totally hot in a macho, me is man and she is my woman kinda way.”

“I tried fucking with him but he totally turned it around and turned me on. Now I’ll have to go home and see if my B.O.B still loves me.”

Lydia shook her head. “Screw that. Have you seen some of the men out there?”

Honestly, no. All I’ve seen is Gage since August.“Yeah,” I lied. “I am not going to start my new year off with some random Ronnie from the bar.”

Leigha shook her head. “That’s not what she’s saying. Just dance with a few of them. Caveman Gage will appear and swoop you away. Then y’all can fuck out your frustrations.”

Gage and I might not be the best at communication, but we had the fucking down to perfection. That’s what we did instead of talk. Now we were paying for it. “As much as I would love to have him rip my clothes off and let him have his way with me. We have a lot we need to work out first. I don’t know if we can ever work through our issues.”

“Do you want to be with him?” Lydia asked.

Staring at her like she was a moron, I said, “Duh.”

“Then you’ll make it work. Do you think Jase and I get along all the time? Hell no. He drives me absolutely fucking insane. But, I love him and he’s worth the fight. You just have to ask yourself if Gage is worth the fight. No one can answer that but you.”

Leigha hugged me. “Gage is a great guy. Look at everything he has done for you and Gabe. Hell, look at what he did for my brother and the band. They are recording an album because of him. I know you want to hear him tell you he loves you, but look at all the ways he has shown you he loves you. He loves you, anyone can see that. He’s scared, just like you. And your skittery ass isn’t helping. You can’t run every time something isn’t perfect or you get nervous. He has to know you’re in this, too.”

I hated when my friends were right. Crossing my arms, I sulked. “You know, I really hate when you two are right.”

Lydia smacked my ass. “Get used to it. I’m always right, just ask Jase. Let’s go dance.”

I tossed my wet paper towel into the trash. I wanted to find Gage and dance with him. I wanted to feel him close to me. The girls didn’t give me a chance to look for him. The each grabbed one of my hands and pulled me into the middle of the crowded dance floor. The beat of the music pulsing in my veins.

“The guys will be taking a break soon. You can go find Gage then.” Lydia yelled over the band.

I nodded and started rocking to the beat. I felt hands on my hips, pulling me back. I didn’t fight and kept with my rhythm. Smiling I looked at Leigha and Lydia. They were both laughing and dancing together. Their eyes widened, smiles fell from their faces. They stopped dancing and froze.

“Get the fuck off of her.”

Looking to my left I found Gage. He was inches from me. Looking at the guy behind me I offered an apologetic smile.

“I’ll tell you one last time, Davis. Take your fuckin’ hands off my girl. Now,” Gage bit out.

The guy known as Davis dropped his hands a scooted away. Unphased, he grabbed the next girl and started dancing with her. When I turned back to ask Gage what the hell he was doing, he was gone.

Lydia and Leigha pointed to the bar. Leigha smirked. “Told you. Caveman Gage is hot as fuck.”

Huffing, I stomped in the direction on the bar. Gage was sitting on a stool surrounded by other guys he played football with. Stopping just behind him I tapped his shoulder. He glanced over his shoulder before swinging his legs around to face me.

“Can I help you?” His voice was cocky.

Putting one hand on my hip I flung my other in toward the dance floor. “Yeah. What the fuck was that?

He lowered his head, making me squirm under his heated stare with those bedroom eyes, I shifted on my feet. My panties were soaked. I was pissed.

Leaning in just enough so his breath brushed my ear Gage growled, “Oh sweetheart, don’t be so naive. Your sexiness is so damn distracting. The thoughts I have about you are so fuckin’ filthy the EPA should arrest me.” He lightly bit my earlobe as he leaned back. He took a long pull from his beer. Pulling the bottle from his lips he winked at me and gave me that panty melting smile before turning his attention back to his friends. Like he didn’t have a care in the world, he continued his conversation as if he didn’t just fuck me with his words.

Damn that guy and the things he does to my lady parts…even when I don’t want him to.

Forcing my way between Gage and some huge guy to his right I got the attention of the bartender. “Shots. Tequila. Keep ‘em coming.”

The bartender nodded and grabbed a shot glass, filling it up. I threw it back and sat the glass down. He filled it back up and I swallowed the alcohol, setting the glass back down. We kept up the routine until I had seven shots in me.

Big guy to my right asked, “Darlin’ you sure someone your size should be slammin’ shots back like that?”

I wrapped my arm around his shoulder. “Are chu jusa sweetheart? I’an handle s’alcohol. Dat right, Misser Tucker?” My words sounded like a jumbled mess even to me.

Gage gave a quick nod to the bartender who sat another shot glass on the bar and filled it up. Gage wrapped his mouth around the glass and tossed the glass back. “Don’t worry, Mike. She’s mine. I got her.”

Big guy to my right smiled. Gage and I did three more shots before Leigha joined us. She looked pissed. She grabbed my shot and drank. “Bitch. Get’r own.”

“Fine. I’ll take what she has. A never ending supply please.” Leigha batted her lashes at the bartender.

My head was screaming at me. My stomach wanted to lurch outside of my body. I felt like death. Cracking my eyes open I looked around. I was at Gage’s house. I was in Gage’s bed…alone.

On the nightstand next to me was a thermos of coffee, a bottle of aspirin, and a banana. Using the coffee I took four aspirin and ate half the banana. My stomach was hating me. Against my better judgment I slowly got out of bed. Walking down the hall I heard giggling coming from one of the rooms. You can’t be serious? He puts me in his bed then takes another girl to one of his spare rooms? I had angry and hurt tears fighting my eyes. Trying to get passed the sound as fast as possible I clenched my jaw to stop the pounding in my head and ran down the stairs.

Gage was in the kitchen. How could he be in the kitchen and upstairs at the same time?

“Would you like some bacon?”

I stood stunned. “How did I get here? And, who’s up there?” I pointed toward the ceiling.

Gage gave me the ‘I don’t feel like answer dumbass question looks’ before saying, “Trent and Leigha. How do you think you got here, Annie? I had one of my men drive your car over this morning. You were shitfaced. I wasn’t about to leave you alone in a bar full of horny men and wish you luck. You’re mine.”

Sighing, I shook my head. “No, Gage, I’m not. I don’t think I ever really was.”

He took a few steps toward me and I held my hands up. “Don’t, okay?” I walked passed him and out the back door.