Текст книги "One and Done"

Автор книги: S. Briones Lim

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Текущая страница: 12 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

Chapter 26

I was the stupidest motherfucker out there.

Why the hell did I insist she go to Charleston with me? Was I just a huge glutton for punishment?

I slyly shot her a glance and gulped at what I saw. She was stiff, no doubt about that, and her hands were folded prim and proper in her lap. This was definitely not the fun and relaxed version of Rocky that I had come to know. She sat as if she were stuck in court, preparing for an onslaught of questioning from a shark lawyer—timid, polite, and definitely awkward.

“Really? Are you going to torture me with your lack of conversation?” I chuckled, trying to alleviate the mood. I got no response.

Well, maybe she was the lawyer in this case and I was the defendant—guilty until proven innocent.

I shot her an obvious glance and pouted slightly. “Fine, I deserve that.” I paused and dared ask, “The same way I deserve your trust?”

“My trust?” she exclaimed haughtily. “This coming from a guy who spent the last five years pretending I didn’t exist? Oh, yeah you’re a real trustworthy guy.”

Well, at least she was talking now. I gnawed at my lip, licking at the delicate broken skin and taste of iron, desperately wishing that somehow she and I could get a do over. I’m not just talking about a second chance on our friendship or even this second encounter. No, I’m talking about life itself. I mean, how much easier would it have been if I had grown up with a background like Ethan? I probably would have had the guts and the backing to have asked out the only girl I ever really loved eons ago! It was probably why I was so obsessed with the boat shoe wearing douche. For as preppy as he was, he would always be the guy I always wanted to be.

But it would never happen in this lifetime.

“What’s your deal, Jesse? First you ignore me then you kidnap me?” Her cheeks slowly washed to an uncomfortable shade of red far from the usual cute pink glow she exuded.

“I didn’t kidnap you. You came willingly. That’s what I’m going to tell the cops, anyway.”

Her lips twitched not once, but twice before breaking out into a soft smile. “Can you just explain to me why we’re going to Charleston?”

Truthfully, I don’t know what I’m doing.

“You’ll see when we get there,” I lied. “But for now I think it’d be good if we talked.”

“Oh? About what?” She straightened, her eyes wide with interest.

“Our dinner at the burger joint was not enough to catch us up on five years, don’t you think?”

“Well, whose fault is that?” she grumbled.

I swallowed, taking a deep breath to slow my beating heart. “It’d be easier if you kept an open mind, okay? I know you’re mad at me and God, I know I deserve it, but please just hear me out before you make quick judgments.” I sighed and shook my head. I’d messed our relationship up so much I knew it was probably beyond repair. But I needed to try.

“Fine. I’m listening,” she responded curtly.

There was a brief moment of silence and I was sure she could feel the disappointment radiating from my body. I wanted to listen to her speak. I’d had enough of my thoughts, fears, and insecurities. Rocky always made me feel better. I wanted to hear her voice and hold onto every word she said.

“Well, I was kind of hoping you’d go first,” I admitted.

“Me? I’m not the one who has explaining to do.”

“Please.” I was practically begging, but I didn’t care. I was beyond the point of caring.

“What would I even talk about?”

“Let’s start from the beginning.”

“Like what?” She lifted an eyebrow and pursed her lips.

I thought about it for a moment and realized there was still one burning question in my mind. “Like why did you change?”

“I didn’t—”

I cut her off. “You might not see it. Hell, Stephanie probably doesn’t, either. You two are so tightly wrapped inside the cocoon that is Bethel Falls that you both don’t realize that you’ve become such a scared, nervous person. Where’s the girl who was up for anything? My go-to chick.”

“Don’t call me a chick. I’m not an animal.”

“There we go. There’s that spunk I missed.”

She didn’t respond…for a while actually. Then suddenly her bottom lip quivered and I felt a need to punch myself in the gut. I’d finally done it. I made her cry.

I was an asshole.

“I don’t paint anymore,” she blurted out suddenly.

“What? Why?” This was totally not the direction I expected the conversation to go.

She wrung her hands awkwardly and took a deep breath. An inner battle between my conscience and curiosity raged inside of me. I wanted to save her the pain and tell her that she didn’t need to tell me anything. But my curiosity won out, and once again I found myself being the selfish bastard I’d always been.

“In high school I was…braver.” Her voice sounded meek, like a young child admitting something wrong. “I hadn’t yet experienced how mean the world could be and because of that, I was okay being myself.”

My eyebrows furrowed together. “What are you talking about?”

“I had you…and Stephanie,” she added quickly. “You both made me feel as if I could be anything without repercussions and it’s probably why I tagged along with you so much. Once I was in college—”

“You mean after I left,” I offered glumly.

“That too.”

She spilled out her heart and soul to me, explaining how her self-doubts led her down a path she hated. Had I been a musician or someone creative, I would have bottled up all her melancholic woes and set it free into a song. It was probably horrible to say so, but there was something so beautiful in sadness. The way her voice trembled at the end of her sentences gave her a slight vibrato—a soft song in a harsh world. But none of it felt right. She may have been beautiful in her pain, but she was even more beautiful in happiness.

I pouted slightly and took a deep breath. “Is that the reason you’ve become so…”

“So what?”

“Complacent. With work and with Ethan.”

“What is your obsession with him?” She exposed her palms as if begging me for any bit of information.

But I wasn’t ready to give anything away just yet.

Rocky rolled her eyes and sighed. “Anyway, I do miss the rush I got when I painted, but I guess I’m still too scared to try it again.”

“Were you ever scared of the stuff we did when we were younger?” I asked, masking another searing question: Was I really the monster your parents thought I was?

She threw her head back and chuckled. “Sneaking out? Jumping into your mom’s car at fifteen and driving without a license? Yes, I was petrified.”

I shifted uncomfortably. That wasn’t the answer I was hoping for. Once again I felt like the villain to her life story. “So why didn’t that stop you? Why are you so scared to pick up a brush and paint when you so willingly accompanied me on those stupid, reckless adventures? And tell me the truth. None of that ‘I was protecting you’ crap.”

“Because…”

I didn’t think she’d finish her thought and was surprised to hear a low whisper beside me.

“It’s because you were there,” she answered shyly.

“What was that?” I must have been hearing things. It was as if my stone cold heart had awakened, ecstasy rushing through my arteries.

Her voice wavered. “It’s because I knew you’d never let anything bad happen to me.”

Chapter 27

Rocky was in my restaurant. Let me repeat, Rocky was in my restaurant looking impressed and a bit pissed off, actually. Then again, I really couldn’t blame her considering that Hannah, my newly hired hostess, was throwing her some shade.

We had arrived in the city a little after five, and despite the annoying influx of traffic and some stupid ass drivers, my mood was suddenly rejuvenated. Having her here—having her see me in my element—was the best thing ever.

I motioned toward the huge double doors leading to my sanctuary. Without thinking twice, I reached for her hand and placed it into mine. It was as if we were two pieces in a complicated jigsaw puzzle. It was a perfect fit.

Tugging lightly, I pulled her toward the kitchen. “Let’s go.”

She paused in horror.

“What’s wrong?” I asked in confusion.

“We can’t go in there!”

“Why not?”

“It’s the kitchen! Isn’t that some FDA violation?” she looked extremely nervous, which did nothing but kick me in the gut. She was definitely not the rule breaker from yesteryear. It only confirmed my theory—I really did drag her down with me every single time.

I stared at her blankly. “It’s also my business and I say we’re allowed in.”

“But—”

“My office is inside. Come on,” I urged.

As we meandered past the counters, my employees lifted their hands in happy greeting. A few even nodded their heads, grinning from ear to ear. More than likely they were enthused to find out that I knew somebody of the opposite sex. My reputation of being an asexual workaholic was often a favorite topic of conversation.

“Wow, everyone likes you,” Rocky commented.

“Is that a surprise?” I laughed.

“No, I just mean…” Her voice trailed off, but I didn’t press her on it. I didn’t feel a need to. I was quite surprised that a loner deviant like me would even have employees who tolerated me, let alone liked me. A few of us would even hit a bar or two after closing time. It was a far cry from who I was in Bethel Falls, that’s for sure. If it still surprised me, I could only imagine how Rocky must have felt.

I squeezed in behind my desk, trying to figure out a way that both of us would be comfortable when I heard Rocky’s awestruck whisper. “You kept your copy?”

I grinned at my favorite photograph. The beginning of all things that ended between us. I didn’t know why I loved it so much. Truthfully, it was a bit depressing.

I cleared my throat. “Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I? It was the only thing you ever mailed to me after I moved…It was a good night.”

“Pretty good,” she agreed.

“Got worse as it went on though,” I grunted.

Rocky sighed. “Can we change the subject?”

I’d love nothing more.

“To what?”

“Like…um…” She tapped her fingers against my desk, her tell to run away, but we both knew there was no way she could hide out now. “Why drive me across state lines? You could have just told me about your restaurant. I would have believed you.”

“But you wouldn’t see the relationship I have with my employees,” I explained. “You wouldn’t see the following I have and all the regulars I tend to.”

“I would have believed all those things even without seeing them,” she insisted.

I reached out and began to drum my fingers on the table beside hers. She abruptly pulled her hands back into her lap and I couldn’t help but feel a slight sting about it.

Well, here goes nothing.

“I wanted to show you that even if I was here, I still thought about you every day. I stare at this photo during every shift. I used to just sit here and dream about seeing you again. I’d wonder what you were doing, who you were with.” I gulped. “Or if you were seeing somebody.”

“You could have just called me and asked. Actually, you could have even visited.”

It’s really not that simple.

I gazed around my kitchen and motioned around. “See this? This is what I made myself out to be. Once I moved to Charleston I was able to say goodbye to the Jesse that kept fucking everything up and reinvent myself. Sure, when I first got here I was still trying to be that same badass I was. I’d sneak out, binge drink, and one time I even got high on some laced shit and was on the verge of just ending it all.”

“What?” She gasped.

I hadn’t meant to tell her all that, but I was glad I did. It was time to get everything out in the open. Even the bad things I’d rather have kept hidden.

Nodding, I continued, “Then my dad basically knocked some sense into me. He enrolled me into therapy for my anger management and drinking problem. I hated it at first, but the same group also landed me my first job as a bus boy. I soon realized that putting all my restlessness into something productive was good for me. It wasn’t long until I became a workaholic and realized that positivity was all I needed to better myself. I needed good things in my life to prevent me from going bad again.”

“So that’s why you shut me out? Why you stopped calling me and stopped returning my calls to you? Because I wasn’t a good influence?” She shook her head in disbelief.

Shit. This was harder than I even thought it would be.

“No. I cut you off because I was afraid if I didn’t, I’d want to move back and be with you. I couldn’t move back. I couldn’t go back to the guy I once was. The angry guy. The reckless guy. I just couldn’t.”

There. I had ripped off the bandage. Now I had nothing to do but wait until I finished bleeding.

Rocky blinked incredulously. “So why come back now? After all these years? And why come to work at my store when you obviously could afford not to work in Bethel Falls at all.”

“You never really saw my mom.”

“Yeah, I have.”

I shook my head in shock. I couldn’t believe my mother had finally gotten to Rocky too. For years Rocky saw her as I did—a manipulative man handler. I couldn’t believe the woman pulled one over on such a smart woman.

“No. You saw her, but you didn’t see her. You only saw what she wanted you to see. Like today.”

“She was sick and she was lonely,” she griped.

“And she was showing her good side. When you’re not there you don’t hear her calling me an idiot, a mistake, or stupid every five minutes. You don’t hear her yelling at me and blaming me for being the reason why Dad never came back. She’s a master manipulator and she gets you to believe what she wants you to.”

It hurt. All of it. I couldn’t deny it any longer. My parents, no matter how great my dad finally acted, both fucked up my life. They fucked me up bad.

My voice was like an echo, rebounding to me after all words were spoken. I didn’t even know what the hell I was saying anymore. It was as if my mind and body were disconnected; my mouth moving on its own accord. Slowly, I began to regain consciousness just in the nick of time.

“That doesn’t answer anything about me. Why did you stop talking to me? If you wanted to show me that and tell me I still meant a lot to you, why did you even want to shut me out to begin with?” Rocky’s voice invaded my abyss and though accusatory, I was grateful for it.

“Because I was weak!” I let out a strained laugh. “Don’t you see that? I was always weak! From getting caught up with drinking at seventeen to allowing myself to hit rock bottom.” I looked down, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. “I was pathetic.”

“Of all the lame excuses…”

Seriously? After I just spilled my heart and soul?

I glanced up angrily. “No. Listen to me, please. Every time I called you I’d feel my resolve weaken. I’d want to pack my bags and whisk you away like I promised. The only thing stopping me was the fact that you were in Bethel Falls and I knew I owed it to myself and my dad not to go back. Then you went to college, which was…”

I watched the color fade from Rocky’s face. She blinked not just once, but twice before responding, “Out of town.”

“I knew I could visit you then, but I was afraid that somehow I’d drag us both down.”

“Why?”

I bit my lip so hard that my eyes began to water. “Promise you won’t get mad.”

“Why would I get mad?” Her voice shook ever so slightly.

Not knowing how else to describe the emotions that barreled through my body every time I was near her, I whispered, “You were like my trigger.”

“What?” Her nostrils flared angrily. “How can I be a trigger? I never made you do anything that you didn’t want to. In fact, I was always following you.”

I considered my answer for a moment. “Being around you does something to me. It reminds me of throwing everything out the window and just being reckless.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.”

And just like that, everything I’ve held inside of me…every layer of guilt, insecurity, and hope came spilling out. I knew she probably wouldn’t understand. Hell, sometimes I felt like I still didn’t. Yet there was no turning back now.

I shut my eyes and allowed the words to take free rein. “I know it doesn’t to you, but it does to me. You…you represented the good in a time that was so bad. You were like the reward when I did something wrong. It was a fucked up form of positive reinforcement, I guess. I was afraid that if I saw you again I’d revert back to the boy I was in Bethel Falls. Every time I spoke to you over the phone I felt the same rush I did whenever we were together. I had no idea what would happen if I actually saw you in person and that’s why I stopped calling you and answering your calls.”

“It can’t be possible,” she whispered.

“What was that?” My eyes peeled open. I stared at Rocky, praying that she had figured me out. I wanted to come right out and say it. I wanted to say I love you and I always have, but something was stopping me.

Fear?

Maybe.

Possibly the knowledge that even as a business owner and even as a grown man I did not measure up to what she deserved…

Or possibly that she feels the same way and I’d be willing to leave everything in Charleston for a shit life in Bethel Falls.

“Never mind,” she replied quickly.

I blinked in both disappointment and relief, feeling a heavy rush of air escape my lungs. Frowning, I watched her eyes brighten excitedly.

Gazing at me shyly, she remarked, “I don’t think the rush you felt had anything to do with being bad.”

“You can’t know that.”

“I do, because…” She shook her head and changed the subject, leaving me with whiplash. “If you were planning on hiring a nurse for your mother all along, why even come back for so long? Better yet, why did you take a job with us? Unless you’re uncomfortable.” Even I wasn’t dense enough not to catch the sarcastic venom dripping from her tone.

“My dad told me that to be a better man you sometimes have to do things you don’t want to.

As much as it pained me to face my mom again, I knew I had to do it. I also thought that because more than enough time had passed, past triggers wouldn’t affect me as much. I’d grown enough as a man to be able to stand my ground and remain the person I became. I was finally brave enough to face my fears.”

Who was I kidding? I was still afraid of one thing and I was looking right at her.

“Okay…” She shook her head in doubt.

I peeled away the final protective layer. It was both therapeutic and painful. “That included seeing you, of course. I wanted to see you so much but how could I? Like you said, I cut you off completely. Why would you even want to see me again? I couldn’t help but go over the same questions in my mind, over and over again. Would you be angry? Would you want to see me? Would you remember me?”

“Of course I’d remember you, dummy.”

I had to chuckle at that. “Yeah, right. Either way I knew I needed to stop being a pussy and be what I kept convincing myself I was—a man. I needed to see you but I wasn’t sure how to approach it. Then as luck would have it I ran into your dad at the pharmacy. He did a double take of course and had the reaction I expected.”

“Shit.”

Same old Rocky, still deathly afraid that I cared whether or not her parents liked me. Sure, it’d be nice if they did, but the most important person I cared about was sitting right across from me. “But then I explained to him why I was in town. I told him how much I changed and…”

“And what?”

“He asked if I needed a job. I guess he felt sorry enough for me to lift that ban he had against me seeing his daughter, right?”

“But you didn’t need a job. You had one here.”

Come on, Rocky. Throw me a bone here. Don’t you see what I’m trying to tell you?

“But I needed to see you. Let me rephrase that—I needed an excuse so you’d have to see me.”

“So why did you ignore me for the first few days you were there? Why did you act like I was some sort of pariah?”

Years ago I wouldn’t be able to answer that question honestly. I would have been afraid to chip away at the ‘I don’t give a fuck’ persona that I had worked so hard to maintain. It was the only way to stop myself from being picked on or bullied. As an adult I realized that same persona was the reason why I missed out on so many things.

I rubbed my hands down my face and took an exasperated breath. “Like I said, I was nervous. I didn’t know what you thought of me and that nervousness was justified the moment I saw you for the first time. You looked as if you were horrified to see me.”

She blinked wildly. “No, I wasn’t! I was…”

“What?”

“Nervous too,” she just about whispered.

My eyes widened and I burst into laughter. “Well, if I had known that it certainly would have made my life easier.”

The small smile on her face quickly vanished. “You would have known me if you never shut me out.”

“Rocky—”

“No, let me finish. If you were so afraid of me triggering you and bringing you back down, what was the deal with you trying to make me bad? What was the deal with messing with me?”

My face twisted in agony. “I guess…I guess…”

“Enough with all the secrets, Jesse.” She snapped two fingers in the air, the corners of her mouth pulled down in a frown. “You aren’t the only one who grew into their big boy pants. If you have something to say to me, just say it. This isn’t some stupid art critic tearing me down; it’s my best friend confusing me. I need some clarification before I go crazy.”

I pulled at my hair as if to coax me along a beaten path, which is exactly what I felt like—a battered horse trying to hobble my way back to safety. “I guess I wanted to reconnect with you so bad that at that point I didn’t care anymore, okay? I wanted so much to feel what we used to have that I figured if, that even for a bit, we reverted back to what we used to be, things would be good between us. And…”

“Yes?”

My vision darkened at the edges. Being honest wasn’t always my strong suit. “When your dad gave me the job he made me promise not to drag you down again. He told me you were a good girl and remained one after I left. I guess it took that moment to realize I was the one who suckered you into all the trouble we got into. In some stupid corner of my mind I thought that maybe if I proved you did have that bad girl in you all along then I wasn’t so bad after all. I wasn’t the only one to blame.”

“Well, that’s kinda selfish.”

“What was I supposed to do, Rocky?” I demanded.

“I don’t know, maybe you shouldn’t have thrown genitalia at my face?” she hissed back.

I glanced around horrified, certain that one of my prep cooks or dishwashers overheard her. “Can you keep it down? You do realize we’re at my job, right?”

“Like those rubber dildos weren’t showcased around mine?” She rolled her eyes and sneered. “Stop throwing double standards at me.”

I sighed, eyeing a cook who was obviously eavesdropping. “I’m sorry. I guess I just got caught up in the moment.”

“Funny, I remember saying that same line to somebody and not being believed.”

“About that…”

“Can we not talk about it right now?” she cut me off. “Can we just focus on why you were messing with me?”

I still couldn’t believe that she didn’t get it, though I really couldn’t blame her for still being pissed at the whole sex toy debacle. “Because we had fun! Because it felt like old times! Because even though you acted horrified I saw the hint of happiness in your eye each time we busted each other’s chops. You liked it as much as I did. You looked happier than you ever did when Ethan was around.” I gulped, needing to ask the one question jumping into the forefront of my brain. I didn’t know if I wanted to know the answer, but like water to a thirsty man I needed it badly. “Do you love him?”

She stared back at me stunned. “What?”

“Do you love him?”

She flinched. “I don’t know. It’s a little too soon for that, don’t you think?”

I knew I was pressing my luck, but I needed to call it as I saw it. “You know he’s not good for you, right?”

“Why not?”

Was she being serious right now?

“Haven’t you been listening to anything I’ve been telling you?” I waited for a response, but when I didn’t receive one I groaned in exasperation. “Fine. Do you want a tour?”

“Wait, what?” She looked at me as if I had grown two heads.

“Of my restaurant. This conversation is a bit heavy. I think we need a break.”