Текст книги "Thizz, A Love Story"

Автор книги: Nicole Loufas

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Текущая страница: 9 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

We leave the beach a little before eight in the morning. Watching the sky turn from dark to light is a strange feeling when you haven’t slept. It’s like the world is working in reverse. It’s disorienting. Or it could just be the thizz. Nick, Matt, Arnie, and I go back to Matt’s house. K and Heather stay at the beach. K only lives a few blocks away, and he promised Arnie he would make sure she got home safe. Heather said her parents aren’t expecting her home until after noon. She can’t show up at dawn and have them actually believe she was sleeping at her friend’s house. I’m the opposite. Lucy gets home from her shift around eleven thirty. I have to be home before then so she doesn’t suspect I’ve been out all night. Only I don’t want to go home yet. I hate being alone when I’m high.

I fall in and out of sleep during the drive, so I miss the conversation between Nick and Arnie that ended up with me staying at Matt’s house while Nick drove Arnie home. I stumble into the house and plop on Matt’s sofa. It feels good after lying in the sand all night. Matt brings me a glass of orange juice then disappears down the hall. It’s too tangy for my current taste buds. I can’t really stomach anything but water when I’m coming down. I place the glass on the coffee table and pick up the remote from the arm of Matt’s sofa. Nick said he’d be right back. That was seventeen minutes ago. I need to stay awake if I want to beat Lucy home. She gets off at eleven and usually stays up a few hours before heading to sleep. I like to beat her home and pretend my day is just starting as she heads to bed. If I don’t make it home, I’ll have to swing by the café in case Lucy checks up on me. This way, Patty can say I was there in the morning and Lucy will think I was just out getting coffee. I have it all planned just in case things don’t fall into place. I’ve been lucky so far. Lucy doesn’t suspect a thing.

Just as my eyes start to shut, Matt walks into the room. “Come on, sleepyhead.” He holds out his hand and I take it. He yanks me to my feet and tells me to go lie down in his room. I’m too tired to protest or worry about how that may look. I trust Matt. More importantly, Nick trusts him.

I stumble into Matt’s room. My only choices are his desk chair or the bed. The chair is probably the safer, less comfortable option, but I don’t care about safe right now. I sit on the bed and kick my shoes off. Matt walks into the room carrying an armful of water bottles and a bag of chips. He closes the door behind him and places the snacks on the desk. The only light in the room creeps between the slits of the window blinds. I watch it slowly climb the wall as the sun rises outside. I hope Nick comes back soon. Eureka is small, Arnie can’t live that far away. Matt is settling in like I may be here for a while. He isn’t acting like Nick will be back any minute.

“You want some?” Matt holds up a bag of chips without looking at me. Why won’t he look at me? I don’t want snacks. I need to stay awake and wait for Nick.

“No thanks.” I know what I want. The question is, am I brave enough to ask for it? What if he doesn’t have any, or worse, what if he says no? Quit being stupid. This is Matt. I can ask him anything. “Do you have any more pills?”

Matt stops shuffling CDs. His back stiffens then relaxes just as quickly. “Uh, I don’t know…” He turns around with an answer on his lips, but nothing comes out. He just stares at me as I unzip Nick’s hoodie. I slide it off one sleeve at a time, passing my orange juice glass from one hand to the other as I go. I watch Matt’s eyes commit my body to memory before stopping at my mouth. He knows how my lips feel. I know what Matt tastes like—this is information neither of us should know. We’re friends. Friends don’t kiss. I can’t believe Nick even allowed it. The more sober I become, the more awkward this feels. Thizz is the only thing to cure that. When I’m high, feelings like embarrassment and regret don’t exist. Thizz makes the world an uncomplicated place.

Matt walks to the closet, pulls out a shoe box, and places it on the bed. He takes off the lid, slides opens a zip lock bag. He must feel the tension too, because he doesn’t even hesitate as he hands me the pill.

“Thanks.” I swallow it with a sip from my orange juice, and Matt goes back to his CD search. He finally chooses one and moves to his boom box to put it in. I take a peek inside the shoebox. My heart stops. Where did he get all those pills? I look at Matt. His back is to me. I reach in, swipe a handful, and shove them in my pocket. Adrenaline pumps through my veins. This is the first time I’ve ever stolen anything. I feel bad stealing from Matt, but then again, I don’t. He has so many, at least a hundred. Is Matt the dealer Nick was protecting? How well do I even know him, or Nick for that matter? They know nothing about me. Who I really am. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

A woman’s soft, sultry voice suddenly fills the room. This song isn’t something a drug dealer would play. If there is a drug dealer playlist, I guarantee this song isn’t on it. This song is bluesy with a jazz feel. I’m actually surprised Matt would even have a CD like this. He’s always quick to put on rap or hip hop in the car. This is a nice surprise. Matt adjusts the volume then sits next to me on the bed. I watch him crack every knuckle on his right hand. The same hands I watched typing in class. Those fingers typed a message once. The message that led me to Nick. That led me to this moment. Matt set me up with Nick. Boys don’t play matchmaker with girls they like. Matt doesn’t like me, not like that. But my fingers itch to touch him anyway. It’s the drugs. It’s not real. Some people crave touch when they’re high. I never understood why until this moment. If there was a bottle of lotion in this room, I’d have it slathered all over my hands right now. I lie back and lock my hands behind my head. Music surrounds me, and a familiar tingle pricks at my skin. I have a million thoughts running through my head, but I can’t think of a single word to say to Matt. My eyes wander around the room, looking for some safe topic of conversation. They land on the poster above the bed. “Are you serious?” I snort, gesturing to the bikini-clad model holding a fire hose between her legs.

“What?” he says with a little laugh. “It’s a dude thing.”

I turn towards Matt and find his blue eyes staring back at me. My heart feels like it’s trying to claw its way out of my chest. This would be so much easier if Matt didn’t have those eyes—that smile.

I stand up and walk to the desk. I need distance until this pill kicks in and we are back in friend-mode. I open a bottle of water and take a huge gulp, hoping the simple task of drinking will chill me out. I watch Matt over the top of the bottle. Our eyes lock when he reaches out to me and slides the bottle from my fingers. He gulps down a mouthful of water and then places the bottle back in my hand. There are two unopened bottles on the desk, but he took mine. He wanted mine. I take a drink to see if I can taste him, but it doesn’t taste like anything but water.

I know what Matt tastes like. When we kissed, he tasted like beer with a hint of bubblegum. The fact that I’ve kissed him is something I should be embarrassed about, ashamed of, but all I keep thinking is how badly I want him to kiss me again. I can’t think like that. I can’t feel this way, about Matt or anyone. I’m with Nick. And if I keep telling myself I love him, maybe one day it will feel real. It felt real last night. I also thought Heather King was the sweetest girl I’ve ever met. Thizz really warped my perception. There is no way I will ever be friends with Heather, no matter how awesome I thought she was. Is it possible that my feelings for Nick are just as warped? When I’m sober it isn’t Nick I want to be around, it’s Matt. It’s always been Matt.

“Can I ask you something personal?” Matt leans back on his elbows. “If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand.”

Yes, let’s talk about something, anything. “Sure.”

“I was just curious why you moved here. Where are your parents?”

As soon as the words leave his lips, I know I will tell him the truth. I want to. I need to.

“They were shot during an attempted carjacking,” I say casually, as if Matt isn’t the first person I’ve ever told. “I don’t have any other family, except Lucy, and she lives here.” I look away and wait for the obligatory apology and empathetic look that usually follows when someone learns about my orphan status.

“Damn,” Matt mumbles. “Don’t you miss living in the city?”

I swivel my head and look into Matt’s crystal-blue eyes. I’m so happy he didn’t make this weird. He smiles his sweet smile, and I can’t help but smile with him. “Not really. Not anymore.” I look at him and feel a fresh wave of serotonin flood my veins. My body melts into itself. Thizz is the reason I’m happy. Thizz has made Eureka tolerable. I can make it through the day without seeing Nick or talking to Matt. Thizz is what I wake up for and go to bed with. And now I know who holds the key to keeping me happy. Matt. Had he showed up at the café that night, I’d be with him, not Nick. But he didn’t, because he didn’t want me. Love isn’t always requited. Sometimes love is complicated. That’s where thizz comes in.

Matt asks me trivial questions about my old neighborhood. I tell him about my favorite café and the best place to buy a burrito in the city. For the first time since I lost my parents, I’m able to talk about my old life with a smile on my face. The ache in my chest is dulled by the drug flowing through my veins.

“My father was a lawyer, corporate law. My mom was a lawyer’s wife.” I remember the way she stood beside him at parties. I don’t know which of them was more proud. “She was a great party planner.” I laugh about it now, even though I hated the superficiality of it all. “He had a day job, but he spent most of his time working pro-bono cases. My mother used to tell people he was trying to save the world one ghetto kid at a time.” I know I’m rambling, Matt doesn’t seem to care. It feels good to talk about them. To remember them.

Matt tells me his father is a lawyer and his mother does interior design. We have a lot in common. I like that. I knew Matt and I would hit it off. It just wasn’t in the way I thought. Maybe we were just destined to be friends. I really need a friend right now.

“Does Nick know about your parents?”

My stomach does a somersault at the thought. “No, and you can’t tell him. Promise me?”

“You guys have a lot in common,” Matt insists.

Everyone knows Nick lost both of his parents. I don’t want to have that in common with him. “You don’t get it. People treat you different when they know. Please don’t say anything—to anyone.”

“Ok,” Matt concedes. “I promise.”

I hold out my pinkie and Matt hooks his with mine. There is a tiny spark hidden in his lazy smile. The way someone looks right before they tell the punchline of a joke. Matt fights it back by letting my pinky go and turning away. He tucks his hands under his head and stares at the ceiling. I lie on the bed beside him and a new song comes on, this one is even sultrier than the last. I wish Matt took another pill. I wonder if he would take one if I asked him to. I bet there are a lot of things I could persuade Matt to do for me. What a fucking horrible thing to say. I glance at Matt and catch him watching me again. We lock eyes briefly and then turn back to the poster. The poster is our safe place. Not that we need one. We’re just friends. Any tingles or warmth I feel at the sight of him are drug-induced hallucinations. They aren’t real. Our kiss wasn’t even real. Just some stupid dare. Something he would have done with Heather or any other girl put before him. Nick is real. His kisses are real. He loves me and I love him.

Where the hell is Nick? “How far away is Arnie’s house?”

“Why? You got a date with Arnie later?” Matt jokes.

“Because Nick said he was going to drop him off then come back.”

Matt’s eyes get huge, and it has nothing to do with thizz. He doesn’t want to tell me where Nick is, which makes my imagination run wild. My adrenaline surges—not in the good way. “Where did he go?” Matt stays silent. “Is he really dropping Arnie off?” Matt sort of shrugs. If he didn’t take Arnie home, where would he go? As soon as I think the question, the answer comes to me. My hands are shaking at the thought of him and Heather at the beach together.

“Did he go back to the beach?” I give Matt a serious stare, daring him to lie to me.

Matt has an internal debate before he answers. “Yeah, he’s at the beach.” Matt looks relieved that I figured it out on my own. Technically, he didn’t tell me, so he won’t be in trouble.

“With Heather?” I choke on her name. I would rather be choking her.

Matt’s eyes pop out of his head, as if he forgot about Heather. “No, it isn’t what you think. He was too amped up to be inside. They took too many pills last night and he’s still wired.”

Too many? I don’t know if what I feel is jealousy because Nick is at the beach with Heather or the fact that he took pills without me. “How many did he take? Why didn’t he give me one? Did he give one to Heather?” I think about Heather asking me if I liked thizz. She didn’t look like she was having a good time. So why take another pill? Unless someone gave it to her. Someone who wanted to keep her up and alert and at the beach. I feel like I may puke.

“I don’t know if she’s at the beach.” Matt looks sincere, but what do I know. He could be as good at lying as I am. “He just went back to hang out with K and the guys. They’re going to play football, then he’ll be back.”

What a pathetic excuse. I stand up to get another bottle of water and spot Matt’s cell phone on the desk. I pick it up and contemplate calling Nick. Matt puts his warm hand on mine to stop me from calling. His touch sends tingles through my body. Tingles that feel real. I pull my hand free and sit on the edge of the bed. I know I can’t call him. I have to trust him. If we don’t have trust, we don’t have a relationship. Nick said he trusts Matt. Even with me. The question is, do I trust myself with Matt?

I fucked up. I shouldn’t let her think Nick went back to the beach, back to Heather, but I can’t tell her the truth—that he went to a party. It was a fraternity thing at Humboldt State. Arnie had a chick he knows sell pills for us last night so Nick could party at the beach with Dani. It kills him to lie to her, but we can’t let her find out. If she finds out Nick sells thizz, she’ll hate me for lying to her all this time. It’s safer this way.

The girl from Humboldt called a few hours ago and said the party was still raging, and people were looking to buy more pills. Nick wasn’t about to miss out on sales, so he brought me and Dani back here then took off for Humboldt State with Arnie. Nick was banking on Dani falling sleep. He figured he could come back in a few hours and tell her he was here all along. That isn’t going to happen now that I gave her another pill. Not the smartest fucking thing to do, but I couldn’t say no. Not to those desperate eyes. I didn’t know Nick told her he was just taking Arnie home. What kind of lame-ass lie is that?

“Dani, you know Nick loves you. He just has to get it out of his system. He didn’t want to leave you sleeping in the sand when you could come back here with a working toilet.” That sounded like the right thing to say. “You said yourself that you could barely keep your eyes open.”

“If he loved me the way he says he does, he would’ve given me a pill and let me stay awake having fun with him.” She hands my phone to me and I shove it in my pocket. “Like you just did.”

My heart crashes through my chest and lands at Dani’s feet. I want to tell her she’s right. I want to tell her I would never leave her. I want to tell her everything. About me and Nick, and thizz, and how I feel. I take her hand and she bites her lower lip. Blood rushes to places in my body that it shouldn’t. I can’t betray Nick. As much I as I want to, I can’t. There is one thing though. I can tell her why I sent the Myspace message and why I asked her to meet me in the parking lot that day. Not that it makes a difference now, but something inside me wants her to know that I cared. That I wanted her. It won’t change anything. She’ll probably get a good a laugh out of it. Once the second pill kicks in, anything I say will be a fleeting memory. Nothing is taken seriously when you’re high. Words, feelings, kisses.

I’m trying to figure out the best way to start the conversation when a burst of cold air flows through my room. I turn and see Ashley’s head peek around the corner. “Oops,” Ashely says and disappears.

She is halfway up the stairs when I catch her. Interacting with my little sister while thizzin is a sobering experience. I suddenly feel very guilty about my condition. “Wait, Ash.” I pull on her arm. “You want to hang out?” I need something to keep me in check. I don’t think I can stand to be alone with Dani another minute. I was about to tell her I wanted to ask her out until Nick swooped in. What was I thinking? In no universe would that ever be a good idea. Ashely is the perfect buffer.

“Really?” Ash raises her eyebrow at me. I never invite her to hang out with my friends. “Are you drunk?” She takes two steps towards me with a curious smile.

Damn, she’s observant. I’m so glad I didn’t take another pill. “Just come back down with me.” I usher her through the hallway, back to my room, and close the door.

“Dani, this is Ashley. Ash, this is Nick’s girlfriend, Dani.” I make the introductions quickly while I slide the box of pills under my bed.

Ashely sits on my bed beside Dani, processing the situation. “Nick’s girlfriend? Where’s Nick?”

I let Dani answer the question and change the CD to something more upbeat.

“He had to help a friend move,” Dani tells her. I laugh at the ridiculous lie, but I have to give her props for originality. She came up with that lie in a split second, and it’s believable. She’s a good liar.

“So, you came over to hang out with my brother?”

“Yeah, we’re friends.” Dani smiles at me and my heart smiles back. Friends. We are so much more than that. There is no word to describe what she is to me.

“Nick doesn’t get jealous?” Ashley asks innocently.

“No,” I tell her. He doesn’t think I’m competition.

Dani is so cool with Ashley. She asks her questions about her remission, which Ashley can’t shut up about. She even teaches her how to put her hair up in some kind of messy ponytail. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, but Ash is excited by the lesson. It’s fascinating watching them together. I’ve never seen Dani so content. Ashley has a weird way of putting people at ease.

“I like your pendant. That’s turquoise right?” Ashley comments on the necklace Nick bought for Dani.

Fucking show off. He paid two hundred dollars for it at some antique store downtown. Dani stopped to look at it for like two seconds, and he had to buy it for her.

“Yeah, and the old lady we got it from said it has powers.” Dani’s voice drips in sarcasm. I’m happy to see she isn’t impressed with Nick’s overpriced show of affection.

Ashley’s smile fades when she touches the blue rock. “Turquoise is very powerful, actually. It’s supposed to give you clarity and help heal you. I kept a rock under my pillow when I was sick.”

“Oh.” Dani’s smile drops from her face. She’s worried her comment offended Ashley.

I grab my sister in a headlock and ruffle her hair. “What are you, a gypsy?” I tease, hoping to lighten the mood.

“No, I’m just saying, it’s special.” Ashley stops her thought when she hears the next song start. Her eyes light up and she jumps off the bed, pulling Dani with her. “I love this song!” It’s a hip-hop tune with an infectious reggae groove. Dani reluctantly stands while Ashley dances around her. Eventually the music overcomes her, too.

For once I can watch Dani without the threat of being noticed. I even forget my sister is in the room until Ashley grabs Dani’s hands and tries to twirl her around. Dani looks at me for help as she subconsciously chews her cheek. She’s really high. I should get Ashely out of here before she notices the change in Dani.

“Time to go upstairs.”

Ashley ignores me until I turn down the stereo. “AHH! Come on, Matt,” she complains. “I need to practice for school dances and stuff.” The thought of Ashley at Eureka High next semester makes my stomach hurt.

“Go practice in your room.” I push her out the door and walk her to the stairs.

“Too bad she’s Nick’s girlfriend. I really like her,” Ashley admits.

“Me too.”

Ashley catches the double meaning in my reply and gives me one of her sly grins as she walks up the stairs to the main part of the house. As the door closes, I hear music flowing from my room. I rush back to see Dani spin away from my stereo. She restarted the song. I lean in the doorway and watch her dance. She’s graceful in a clumsy sort of way. She sees me and smiles a twisted smile. Then she pulls her hair loose and lets it fall over her face. She’s rolling hard and feeling really good right now. A thin layer of sweat forms over my skin when she motions for me to join her. I know her desire to dance with me isn’t real—she’s just reacting to the second dose of ecstasy. But I’ve never wanted anything more in my life. She runs her teeth across her bottom lip, turning it a deep shade of red. This is dangerous ground. I can feel it in the way my pulse starts to race when I look at her.

If Nick knew what I was thinking right now, I’d be a dead man.

Good thing Nick isn’t here.

I force all rational thoughts from my head and creep towards her, pretending to be lost in the music. She lifts her arms above her head and sways in front of me.

This is really happening.

She spins around as I close the gap between us. Her back is to me, as if she’s afraid to look me in the eye at this range. I start to think I’ve made a mistake when she leans back and brushes her body against mine.

She wants this. She wants me right where I am.

My fingers tremble when I touch her hips. She loses the rhythm for a split second as I slide my hands around her waist. I feel her suck in a breath when my pinky dips into the waist of her jeans. Her stomach retracts at my touch and I pull her to me, burying my face in the crook of her neck. Her hair smells like smoke from the bonfire with traces of her lavender shampoo.

She smells so fucking good.

We move back and forth to the music, pretending to be overtaken by the song and not each other. After a few beats, Dani turns around to face me. She wraps her arms around my neck. I grip her hips and pull her to me. It’s amazing how well I’ve been able to control the monster raging inside of me. It won’t hold for much longer if I keep her this close. She looks up with her big dilated eyes and my heart beats against my chest like an angry gorilla. Her bottom lip is pinched between her teeth. I want to pull it free with my mouth. I remember our kiss, how sweet her lips tasted. I want more. I need more. Sweat runs down the side of my face as we stare at each other, neither of us brave enough to make the next move. The music pulsates through us, masking the vibration in my pocket. My phone.

FUCK!

Dani must feel it too, because she drops her arms and spins away from me. I back out of the room and answer it in the hall.

“Matt! Can you hear me?” Nick yells. I hope the music on his end drowns out the beat coming from my room.

“Yeah, what’s up?” I can’t believe Nick has the audacity to call and ruin what could have been the best moment of my life, even if it was with his girl. I’m a dick.

“How’s Dani?” he asks as the music on his end fades into the background. “Is she sleeping?”

I move back towards the door to watch her. “No, she’s awake.” She’s standing at the desk with a bottle of water in her hand. Her hips sway slightly to the music as she takes a sip and I bang my head on the doorframe. “She’s good.” So good.

“Where are you?” Nick questions. “What’s that music playing?”

Oh shit.

“Oh uh, Ashley came down. She’s playing a CD.” It isn’t really a lie.

“Fuck, does she know where I am?”

“No, I covered for you. I told her you were playing ball with K.” As I tell him this, I realize how lame it sounds. Luckily, Nick is too wound up to care.

“Good lookin’ out. Tell her I’ll be there in an hour.”

“I will, dude.” I close my phone and I’m hit with a healthy dose of guilt. What am I doing? Dancing with Dani, giving her a second pill. I can’t even blame it on thizz. I’m totally fucking sober.

When I step back in the room, Dani is trying to restart the song. I move behind her, and she turns her face towards mine. Feeling her warm breath on my neck makes what I’m about to say very difficult. “Nick’s coming.” I turn the volume down as the song starts over.

She shrugs and sits on my bed. I snatch the water bottle from her hand even though there are fresh ones on the desk. I want to drink from the same bottle as her. The water tastes like nothing, just water, but any way my lips can touch hers is a win. I can’t believe Nick let me kiss her. I wonder if he would have given his permission if it was Arnie. For some reason I get the feeling he was doing it for me, as a favor or something. It sounds fucked up, but why else would he let another dude kiss his girl? I’m a fucking asshole and a shitty friend. Nick trusts me with Dani; I can’t abuse that trust.

“I don’t want to go home yet.” She looks at me with a hopeful expression. “Should I call Nick and tell him I want to stay here?”

“Yeah, I mean, if you want.” I try to sound indifferent. Like her staying isn’t going to make my day, my year. Stop it! She’s Nick’s girl. He should be here with her, not me. But she’s looking at me with a fucked-up thizz smile and the angry gorilla in my chest is screaming Fuck Nick.

I dial Nick’s number and hand her my phone. I hear the roar of the crowd and the music thumping from across the room. I wonder what she’s thinking. He obviously isn’t at the beach. She waits until the background noise fades to speak. “Hi, it’s Dani,” she says quickly. Nick wouldn’t be expecting anyone but me to call from my cell. He’s going to kill me. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m fine here with Matt.”

I don’t hear Nick’s reply, I just watch Dani’s face for his reaction. “Nick? Are you there?” She makes a funny face when he doesn’t respond. She’s about to close the phone when I hear him say something. She quickly turns away from me. “I love you too,” she whispers and hangs up.

Ouch. The gorilla in my chest is now battling a wailing hyena of reason in my head.

What the fuck are you thinking? She loves him.

I don’t care. I don’t care about tomorrow or Nick or anything. I have Dani with me now. She’s high as hell and maybe not thinking clearly. I don’t care. I’ll let her decide what will and won’t happen.

Dani hands my phone back, then leaves to use the bathroom. I put on a new CD. It’s a mix of chick songs, Norah Jones and Pink. It seems like a better choice than hip-hop at the moment. I close the blinds to block the morning sun and gulp down a bottle of water. My shirt is damp with sweat. I pull it off and tear through my drawer for a fresh one. I pull out a white t-shirt and my phone buzzes. Not again.

“Where’s Dani?” Nick’s voice is harsh. I’m sure he’s pissed I let her call him. It was a dick thing to do.

“She’s in the bathroom.” I don’t want to be on the phone with Nick right now. Just hearing his voice makes the hyena shriek—You fucking loser!

“Look dude, thanks for doing this. I owe you. I’ll be there soon to pick her up, alright?”

I’m an asshole. Nick doesn’t yell at me for letting Dani call him or even question why I let her. He thanks me. He says he owes me. I don’t deserve Nick or his thanks. “No problem, dude.” We’re about to hang up when I remember Dani is high as fuck. She can’t go home, not yet. “Don’t rush back, she’s cool. Now that Ashely left, she’ll probably crash.” I try to sound as casual as possible. He can’t find out I gave her another pill.

“Well, I’ll come over and hang out then. We can go get breakfast.”

Hanging out is better than going home. “That’s cool,” I say, hoping he doesn’t detect the disappointment in my voice.

“You’re my boy, Matt. Thanks for taking care of my girl.”

His girl, I repeat in my head as I close my phone. The pill I took is long gone. I can’t do this, I can’t play this game with Dani. I grab the extra blanket from the foot of my bed and lay it out on the floor. The gorilla mumbles something about me being a pussy before retreating back into the jungle alone. I need to go to sleep before I do something I’ll really regret. No lines have been crossed. I can close my eyes with a clean conscience and still look my best friend in the eye. I don’t want to fuck that up.

“What are you doing?” Dani asks from the doorway.

“Sleeping,” I snap. Unconsciousness is the only way to keep me from doing, saying, or thinking things I shouldn’t. Sleeping is the safest way to pass the time until Nick shows up.

“You don’t have to sleep on the floor. There’s enough room for both of us.”

My sour mood doesn’t affect her—nothing will at this point. She picks up the blanket, wraps it around her body, and hops onto my bed like we’re having a slumber party. Maybe that’s all she sees me as, an innocent friend, no different than Ashley. Someone she can dance with or sleep next to. She doesn’t see me as a threat either. I’m a loser for even believing I stood a chance with her.

“Come on, Matty.” She pats the space next to her and adjusts the blanket to make a cocoon around her body.

I want to be mad, but the only person I can blame is me for thinking she wanted me. I lie beside her and try to ignore the warmth of her seeping through the blanket. I just want to sleep. I close my eyes, and a few minutes later she says my name.

“Hey Matt.”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t tell Nick about the second pill, ok?”

She doesn’t even know Nick’s rules, but she’s smart enough to realize taking a second pill here, with me, may not have been a good idea. “It’s our secret.” I hold up my pinky, and she links hers around mine. How can I be pissed about anything with her lying beside me?