Текст книги "Thizz, A Love Story"
Автор книги: Nicole Loufas
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Текущая страница: 17 (всего у книги 19 страниц)
I wonder what it must feel like to lose a child. I wonder if it hurts more than a child losing a parent. Loss is loss, I guess. Lucy didn’t even know Arnie and she’s taking it hard. Maybe because she keeps thinking it could’ve been me. She’s been watching me like a hawk since the morning she woke me with the news.
I was dripped in sweat and barely sleeping. You don’t really sleep when you’re on that much thizz. Your body conforms to the element you place yourself in. The way some people will sit for hours with a bottle of lotion, while others dance and dance and dance. I like to kick back and just feel the moments. Feel the tingles and the good vibes. I laid on my bed Friday night, turned on the radio, closed my eyes, and stayed like that for nearly twelve hours. My body looked relaxed, but my brain stayed on. I thought about Nick, the way he looked at me in his cottage. I actually saw the moment he started to hate me. I thought about Lucy and Johnson and their baby. As long as I’m here, they aren’t safe. I thought about leaving, the places I’d go. The people I’d meet. Imaginary friends I’d make. Ones that would never know the real me. The real Dani is dead. I killed her.
I remember opening my eyes and seeing Lucy and Johnson standing over my bed. I thought it was a dream. Until Lucy yanked me into her arms and started to cry. She heard about Arnie while on her shift at the hospital. A friend of a friend or something. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I just kept thinking, thank God it wasn’t Nick. Feeling happy Nick was alive feels like a betrayal to my parents. I shouldn’t care, I don’t want to care, but I do.
Thizz and grief and fear are a bad mix. I hid in my room for two days waiting it out. Waiting for the drugs to leave my body. Waiting for Will to come and find me. Lucy figured I was in shock. She left me alone. Matt called every other hour to check on me. I never heard from Nick. My heart aches when I think about him. He must be devastated. I am, and I didn’t even like Arnie. Matt is wondering if he’ll show up today. I can tell he wants to see him too. He misses him too.
Matt picks me up in his new Mustang and we drive to the funeral together. Lucy and Johnson are taking his truck. They said they’d meet me at the church. Matt and I pull into the parking lot of St. Bernard’s just as Arnie’s family is arriving in a black stretch limo. I watch in the side mirror as Arnie’s mother is helped out by an older man dressed in formal military attire. I wonder how they found the strength to get out of bed this morning. Arnie’s mother is greeted by friends of Arnie’s I recognize from school.
“I’m going to say hi,” Matt says and opens his door.
“I can’t…”
Matt takes my hand and kisses it. “It’s ok, I’ll meet you inside.”
I get out of the car and walk up the steps of the church. I watch as Matt works his way through the crowd and finally reaches Arnie’s mother. He taps her shoulder and she turns around. Her eyes light up when she sees him. She takes his face in her hands and kisses his cheeks. Matt collapses onto her shoulder and sobs. It seems unfair that she has to console him. She’s the one that lost a son. She’s the one that needs comfort. This is why I didn’t go to my parents’ funeral. It wasn’t for me. It was for them. Their grief is limited to one day, a few hours, then it’s over. For us, it’s a daily struggle. We have to live, breathe, eat, and sleep with it for the rest of our lives. That’s what I did, until I discovered thizz. Thizz took all of that pain away. I don’t know if I would have survived Eureka without it. That’s a lie. I didn’t need thizz to deal with the boredom or loneliness. I needed it to be with Nick. Living in his world was unbearable without it. Being with Nick was impossible without thizz. One didn’t exist without the other. Now that I have neither, I’m starting to see things clearer.
“Dani.” Mary’s baby-soft voice surprises me. She’s standing at the top of the stairs in her school uniform.
“What are you doing here?” I’m happy to see her. I don’t want to be alone.
She gestures to the building behind the church. Her school. I forgot.
We watch Arnie’s teammates from the basketball team assemble behind the hearse. They all have on white gloves and black suits. Nick isn’t among them. Matt is still standing beside Arnie’s mother, watching as they pull the casket from the car. I wonder who carried my parents’ coffins. I wish I knew. I should know. Tears roll down my cheek.
“I have something,” Mary whispers as the boys start up the steps. “It’s from Arnie.”
I pull her to the side and ask her what she’s talking about.
“He came to the café looking for you that day.” She hands me an envelope.
I already know what it is. I open the envelope and read the words on the paper. “He did it.”
Mary says she has to get back to class and leaves me standing alone as Arnie’s casket is carried into the church. I watch the crowd follow him, wiping tears from under their sunglasses. Then I feel someone behind me. I’m afraid to turn around. A hand touches my shoulder and I close my eyes.
“Dani,” Heather says quietly. “Are you ok?” I throw my arms around her and start to cry. I didn’t think I would make it through the day without tears. I just didn’t expect to feel this level of sadness.
“How are you?” I straighten up. I know how close Heather and Arnie were.
“I’m keeping it together.” Heather tries to smile. “I’m glad you’re here.”
It’s strange to hear Heather King say those words to me. She hated me before thizz. I loathed her. Now, we’re standing here hugging. I guess I can thank thizz for that.
By the time Matt comes to find me, we’re so overtaken by grief, neither of us try to speak. Heather joins us, and we walk into the church together. She stops to dip her fingers in a pot of water at the door then crosses herself. We find a row towards the middle and slide in. Arnie’s casket is a large shiny black box with gold trim. It’s closed. Someone placed a framed picture of him on top. A basketball sits beside it. It looks like it’s been signed by the entire team.
“Have you seen him?” Matt whispers as the priest says a prayer.
I can only assume he means Nick. I shake my head.
Matt makes a disgusted face and looks straight ahead as the first speaker takes the podium. There is a steady stream of friends, family members, and even teachers speaking on Arnie’s behalf. I wonder who spoke at my parents’ funeral. I bite the inside of my cheek. It’s still sore from the other day. I bite until I taste blood, but tears keep coming. Heather places a box of tissues in my lap. I look down and see the letter crumpled in my hand.
The next thing I know, I’m standing. I step out into the aisle. Matt calls my name, but I keep walking. The priest spots me and waves me up. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know why I’m up here, staring at these people who don’t know me. They don’t know this is my fault. If I didn’t move here. If I didn’t fall in love with Nick. Arnie would still be alive. They’re waiting for me to tell them a story about Arnie. I don’t have one, not one I can share. All of my Arnie stories are drug-induced antics. The same drug that got him killed. I look at the paper in my hand. The paper that is useless to him now. I look at the picture on top of his casket. He has that crooked smile, the one he always had when he was thinking something dirty. That’s Arnie. He’s the fool. The stories people told about him were full of crazy pranks, like the time he dyed the school’s pool for St. Patrick’s Day. Suddenly it comes to me, the reason I’m standing up here.
Arnie’s family is watching me from the first row. I focus on them as I start to speak. “There’s nothing I can add to this service that will tell you what kind of person Arnie was.” I look at Arnie’s little brother, he looks just like him. “But I think I know the man he wanted to be. Arnie was very passionate about playing college basketball.” I see Arnie’s father react to what I’ve said. He sort of shrugs and shakes his head. His mother places her hand on his. I can’t tell if she’s comforting him or scolding him. Arnie told me his father wanted him to join the army.
“I was helping Arnie study for the SAT, and he said once he sets his mind to do something, he does it.” Arnie’s father looks up at me. “I just wanted you all to know, that he did it.” A tear runs down my face. “Arnie met with a coach at Humboldt State. He said he needed to score at least one thousand on his SAT to get a scholarship. I found out today, he got a 1050.”
The church is silent except for the sound of Arnie’s mother’s uncontrollable sobbing.
Oh no. Why did I think this was good news? I’m rubbing it in their face. Telling them their son will never go to college. I’m an idiot. I step around the podium and try to make it past Arnie’s family without looking.
Mrs. Monroe reaches out to me and I instinctively hand her the test results. “We had no idea he was planning on going to college.” She looks at her husband. “We didn’t think he gave much thought to his future. He never seemed very ambitious.” She looks away, embarrassed or ashamed maybe for not giving Arnie credit. “Thank you so much for helping our son.” She takes my hand. “Thank you for confirming what I always knew in my heart.”
I don’t think I’ve ever felt as proud of myself as I do right now. It’s a high like no other.
“And thank you for helping him achieve his dream.” Mr. Monroe stands and gives me a hug.
I start back to my seat and see Matt and Heather smiling at me. Then I see Lucy and Johnson a few rows behind them. Lucy waves, and I see him. Nick is standing at the back door. He isn’t dressed for the ceremony. He doesn’t look like he’s changed his clothes in days. He sees me watching him and leaves. Fear, adrenaline, love. I don’t know what is keeping me from running out of the church after him. I want to see him. I need to talk to him. I need to know where we stand. I need to know if I’m safe.
“At least he showed.” I pull out of the parking lot and drive towards the marina.
“I guess.” Dani is fidgeting. She looks like a junkie that’s contemplating her next fix. Only the drug she’s craving isn’t a drug. It’s Nick.
With everything that’s happened in the last three days, we haven’t even talked about Will Walker. I don’t even know if Nick had a chance to tell him about Dani before the shooting. I hope not.
I was able to take her website down. Hopefully nobody saw it.
“Have you told Lucy yet?”
“No. I don’t want to worry her for nothing.”
“This isn’t nothing, Dani. Just your life.” I hit the brakes harder than I need to and we jerk to a stop. There is a line of cars waiting to turn left into the Wharfinger building. The Monroes are having a celebration of life, that’s what they’re calling this. I don’t want to go. I don’t feel like celebrating. From the look on Dani’s face, she doesn’t want to either. I have to go. Arnie was my friend, and if it were me, he’d be there.
We finally make it onto the service road that leads to the parking lot, and I realize the lot is full. I drop Dani off and head down Waterfront to the supplemental parking lot. I find a space with minimal chance of door dings and head back to the Wharfinger building. Yeah, I know it’s a douche thing to do, but it’s a new car. Arnie would understand.
I scan the room and spot Dani at a table with Lucy and Johnson. Nobody is getting to her with Johnson around. I better find my mom and Ashley. I saw her car in the lot, and I want to at least say hi. My mom grew up in Eureka; she’s known Arnie’s parents since they were kids. She’s been pretty wrecked. Probably because she thinks that it could have been me.
“Hey Matt.”
I turn around and see a couple of guys from school waiting to talk to me—Sam and Brian. They played basketball with Arnie. We’ve all hung out a few times. They’re cool. A group of older women push past us towards the buffet, so we step into the corner to talk.
“What’s up?” I shake both their hands. We look out at the group that’s gathered here in honor of our friend. “This is fucking crazy.”
“I know, man. Have you seen Nick? He must be fucked up,” Brian says.
“No.” I don’t tell him that he was at the church. I don’t tell him about the last time I saw him. I don’t tell him we’re not friends anymore.
Sam steps closer to me and forms a little circle with his back to the room. “So, are you guys still in business?”
Is this fucker really asking me for a hook-up at Arnie’s funeral? Is that the only reason they’re here? They just want drugs? Is this what I’ve turned my friends into? Fiends that don’t give a shit about anything except getting high. Our friend is dead. My friend is dead. My other friend is…I don’t even know. He’s dead to me.
I push him before I realize I’m pushing him. “Get the fuck out of here.” I don’t stop when he tries to apologize. I don’t stop when my mom waves at me from the corner. I don’t stop until I reach Dani.
“Let’s get out here.” I hold out my hand, and she takes it.
Lucy and Johnson watch as she gets up and leaves with me.
They don’t try to stop us.
If Matt didn’t suggest we leave, I would have. My speech at the church drew a lot of unwanted attention. I met all of Arnie’s family, cousins, aunts, uncles. They thanked me. Thanked me for spending one afternoon with Arnie.
Matt starts to drive towards Lucy’s house when his phone rings. We both jump. We both hope and dread it being Nick. I want to see him and I don’t. I think Matt feels the same.
We hate him, we love him.
“It’s my mom,” Matt says.
I find myself looking out the window. I’m looking for him. For his car. Only he doesn’t have it anymore. His car is gone, just like Arnie.
“Shit. My mom’s Audi has a flat. I have to go back and help her.”
Matt pulls over and waits for the road to clear so he can make a U-turn.
“I don’t want to go back there. Can you take me to the café or something?”
“Are you sure? It won’t take that long for me to change the tire.”
“Patty’s there, I’ll be fine.” I force a smile. “I’ll text Heather to come keep me company.”
Matt doesn’t really have a choice. He drives to the café and stops in front. “Wait for me here. I don’t want you to walk home alone,” he says as I get out of the car.
He sounds like Nick.
“Yes, sir.” I give him a fake salute and close the door.
I watch Matt until his car is lost among the traffic. The café is packed. Some of the overflow from the funeral must be inside. I don’t want to go in. I start walking towards West Harris. Lucy and Johnson might even be home soon. I doubt they’ll stay long without me being there. I should call Matt or Lucy. I should, but I don’t. I want to call Nick. I look at my phone. I flip it open and look at his name in my contact list and I hear our song. Am I hallucinating? It’s faint, but there is no mistaking the whining guitar riffs.
I can face a mountain, but I could never climb alone…...
You’re the reason the sun shines down….
Only you that I hold when I’m young, only you as we grow old….
I turn around and see a black SUV pull up behind me. The passenger window slides down, and I see Nick in the driver’s seat. I wonder if running into me was really a coincidence. Nick leans over and tries to smile. I don’t know what there is to smile about. We buried his best friend today. The friend that died because of him, because of his uncle. I’m suddenly overwhelmed with anger. Anger at Nick.
“We need to talk,” he says.
“Do we?” I can’t even look at him. I keep walking towards Lucy’s.
Nick rolls beside me. “Dani, please. Give me a chance. Please get in, I’ll explain everything.”
He’s begging. Nick Marino is begging me for a chance. I look at his humbled face and feel empowered. For once I have the upper hand.
Nick stops, and I walk around the front of the SUV and get in.
“Explain.”
A tow truck is already at the car when I get there.
“Can you please take Ashley home?” my mom says. “She’s tired.”
I look at Ash. She looks a little pale. I thought it was the stress of today, but when I think about it, she’s been pale for weeks now.
“Ok, let’s go.”
We get in the car, and Ashley tries to tell me she feels fine. “Mom is overreacting.” She looks out the window. “She’s suffocating me.”
She’s right, but we all do it. It’s not because we think she’s weak. She’s the strongest person I know. We do it for ourselves. We protect Ashely because we can’t handle her being sick. It’s a fucked up, selfish way of looking at things, but it’s true.
“She’s just worried. Plus, she probably wants to help Mrs. Monroe with food and stuff. You’ll just be sitting around bored.” I mess her hair, and she rolls her eyes at me.
“Yeah, whatever.”
I turn onto West Harris and see an SUV pull away from the curb. That looks a lot like the Marinos’ Mercedes. There aren’t many in town. It’s Nick, it’s got to be. Why is he parked down here?
I make a quick left and turn into the parking lot of the café. I jump out and leave Ashely in the car. The bells jingle as I burst through the door. Patty looks at me like I’m a terrorist.
“Dani!” I yell. Everyone is staring at me. Twenty pairs of eyes, none of them hers.
I run back to the car and peel out of the parking lot.
“Matt, what the hell!”
I stab the gas and drive to Dani’s. The SUV isn’t there. Lucy’s car isn’t in the driveway. I remember seeing it back at the marina.
She’s with him.
I sit next to Nick like he’s a stranger on the bus and not my first love. There are so many things I thought I wanted to say, but none of them come to mind. We drive through Pine Hill, past the golf course, and I know where we’re headed. Nick doesn’t drive through the front gate, he drives past the entrance to his house onto a service road. He gets out and unlocks a gate with a key and waves for me to drive through. I don’t drive, but I climb into the driver’s seat and ease the gas until I’m past the gate. I put the car in park and climb back into the passenger seat. The SUV reminds me a lot of my father’s Denali. The same car they were shot in. The car Will shot them in.
Nick locks the gate and returns to the truck. “That was pretty good.”
I ignore the compliment. “What are we doing here?”
“I just wanted to be alone with you. I need you to know what’s going on and that…”
Nick’s cell phone buzzes in the ashtray. He picks it up, looks at the caller ID, and sighs.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” My sarcasm catches his attention.
“Dani, I know you hate me right now. Just give me a chance to explain.”
I cross my arms across my chest. There is nothing he can say to make things right. He’s protecting the man that killed my parents.
“Let’s go inside.”
I open the door and jump out of the SUV. I don’t want to go inside, but sitting in the car brings back too many memories of my parents.
We walk through the winding path of the Marino estate, and I recognize things from the first time I was here. The gnome next to the rose bushes, a row of blue hydrangeas that line the green fence surrounding the tennis courts. I make notes in case I need to find my way out.
We reach the cottage and Nick stops. “Everything’s going to be ok.” He kisses me quickly on the mouth before I can protest and opens the door.
It smells like weed and some kind of incense. A man in a San Francisco Forty-Niner jersey is standing at the counter pouring himself a glass of orange juice. He frowns when he sees me. “What are you doing, nephew? I thought this was handled.” He’s got dark hair, almost black. His eyes look a shade darker than Nick’s, but he has the same smoldering smile.
“Yeah, it wasn’t.” Nick runs his hand through his hair.
I look back at Nick, the first boy I’ve ever loved and the last one I’ll ever trust.
He walks around the counter and pats Nick on the back. He stops in front of me with his hands in his pockets. “Do you know who I am?” Will Walker is tall and muscular, with a swagger you only see in movies. Some people might think he’s good looking. All I see is a murderer.
I nod my head.
“Of course you do,” he says arrogantly.
“Hey Will, she doesn’t…” Nick starts to tell him something, but Will cuts him off.
“Don’t worry, Nicky. I’m not going to hurt her. I just want to see what she knows.”
Will moves his arm around my shoulders and I shrug it off.
“Don’t fucking touch me.” I step back and look at Nick. He doesn’t look at me. His eyes never leave Will. “Is this why you brought me here?” My voice cracks. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
Nick closes his eyes and looks at the ground. “I’m sorry.” I hear his apology, I feel his regret. He’s a fucking liar too.
Will grabs my arm and tosses me onto the couch. Nick flinches and steps towards me.
“What?” Will dares him. Nick stops. He clenches his fist and backs away. His obedience makes me sick. He is supposed to protect me. To love me.
Will runs his clammy fingers down the side of my face and I knock his hand away. I try to get up, but he pulls me back and holds me so I can’t move my arms.
Don’t cry.
Will feels around my coat and pulls my phone out of my pocket. “Hey Paulo,” he calls and another man joins us. He must have been in Nick’s bedroom. I’ve never even been in Nick’s bedroom. “Make sure nobody can trace this.”
Paulo takes my phone to the kitchen. I hear drawers opening then pounding. He holds up what’s left of my cell phone, and Will nods in approval.
“She’s a hottie, we could make some money with her.” Will smiles and looks at Nick. Nick doesn’t react at all. He’s watching Paulo in the kitchen and then turns back to Will.
I’m trying desperately to prevent Will’s hands from exploring my body any further. When he starts to feel up my dress, I elbow him in the stomach and try to stand.
“You little bitch!” Will grabs my arm before I can escape and yanks me back onto the couch. The back of my head hits his chin. “What the fuck is your problem.”
A surge of adrenaline pulses through me. “You are my problem, you piece of shit!”
Will smiles at my outburst. He’s laughing at me as I struggle against him. The harder I fight, the tighter he holds me. He’s got me and he isn’t letting go. He will never let me go. Nick knew that, and he brought me here anyway.
Nick moves closer. I see tears in his eyes. For me. He knows Will is going to kill me. He knows and does nothing. Just like when he found out Will killed my parents and did nothing.
“Will, she didn’t see anything…” Nick finally says. It’s too late for explanations. Even I know that. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t see him. It never did. He knows he did it and he knows he was sloppy. He missed me the first time. He won’t make that mistake again.
“Shut up, Nick!” I scream. “Don’t act like you’re not just as bad as he is.” Nick’s jaw clenches and he looks away. I hate him. I hate them both.
“See Nicky, you got nothing to feel bad about. No regrets. No looking back. We’re gonna run Cali, together.” Will boasts. “Once she’s gone, I got nothing and nobody stopping me.”
“You think killing innocent people makes you a badass? You’re nothing but a coward!” I cry. I’m crying.
“Innocent? I don’t think so,” Will scoffs. “Your daddy took a job and he didn’t come through. Simple as that.”
Will’s words shock me. “My father wouldn’t have anything to do with scum like you.” I think of the picture from my birthday. “He told me you wanted him to take your case, and he refused.”
“I paid your daddy to lose the Devon Brown case, and the lucky bastard won.” His words knock the fight out of me.
The Devon Brown case was huge. He was proud of that win. He saved Brown from a third strike and life in prison. My father would never jeopardize his integrity for money.
“You’re lying!” I swing my fist around and hit him in the ear. He grabs my hand before I can land another blow but let’s my body go. I jump up, and Nick grabs me around the waist. He pulls me out of Will’s reach.
Will stands up with fire in his eyes and slaps me across the face. “This bitch is done.” He reaches around his back and pulls out a gun.
“Whoa!” Nick steps in front of me. I move back towards the door. Paulo jumps up and stops me.
I’m trapped. Nick is my only hope.
“What are you going to do, pop her in here? Cops will be all over this. Let’s go to the beach house. You have the entire ocean as a dumping ground.”
Wait. What. Nick is helping him. Vomit burns the back of my throat.
“Nick,” I cry. “Nick, no.”
He doesn’t turn around. He won’t look at me. He won’t save me.
“You’re right, nephew. You pack up the money and the boat. Let’s get out of here. I fuckin hate Eureka.” Will walks to the counter and picks up his juice. He drains the entire glass.
This is really happening. Nick moves to the table with a duffle bag and starts to shove things inside. I feel my legs go weak. I stop resisting Paulo. I close my eyes and think of my parents. I think about the day Matt walked me home. He said fate could go either way. Good or bad. My fate was to die at the hands of Will Walker, one way or another.
I let go. I let go of any hope I will survive. I let go of the idea that Nick Marino will save me. He isn’t my champion, he’s my executioner. I feel Paulo’s grip tighten as I start to fall unconscious. Then there is a knock on the door. Not really a knock. It’s pounding, banging. Yelling.
“Where is she!” It’s Matt. No, not Matt.
Paulo motions for Nick to toss him the gun on the table. All the blood has drained from Nick’s face as he hands over the gun. He can betray me, he can let Will do awful things to me, but he can’t hurt Matt.
“No.” Nick stops Paulo. “I’ll get rid of him.”
Will pulls me from Paulo’s arms and wraps his left arm around my neck, clamping his hand over my mouth. Paulo stands behind the door with the gun in his hand.
Nick opens the door. “Get the fuck out of here!” He may not love me, but I know he loves Matt.
“I saw you on West Harris near the café,” Matt yells into the door. “I know she’s here.”
I scream into Will’s hand when Paulo opens the door and pulls Matt inside.
