Текст книги "Thizz, A Love Story"

Автор книги: Nicole Loufas

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Текущая страница: 5 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

Nick will be back any second, and I still haven’t decided if I want to take ecstasy with him. I have no formal opinion on drug use. It’s never been offered to me. I’ve never been invited into a group passing a joint back and forth. I guess if I did smoke, I’d just jump in line and wait my turn. See, I don’t even know the protocol. Heather was right, this is not my scene. I was joking when I told her I went to book clubs, but I really wish there was a room full of book nerds out there discussing plot twists. Not a house full of teenagers indulging in drugs and dancing to rap music.

The door opens and Nick walks in the room. He closes the door behind him. Being alone with Nick is the least of my worries. He hands me a fresh drink and a little blue pill. “It’s my first time too,” he tells me. “It’ll be like a milestone for both of us. Something we’ll always remember.”

I like the idea of sharing a milestone with Nick, but I was thinking more along the lines of first love. “I don’t know.” I look at the clock. “It’s getting late.” It’s half past eleven. Lucy will be home soon. I’m not feeling as confident about the note I left her and the way she’ll react when she gets home and finds me gone.

“Look, I’m not trying to force you into something you don’t want to do.” Nick places his hand on my knee and warms my entire body. “We can leave. I’ll take you home before shit gets too out of hand. I don’t know how hard it’s going to hit me.” It sounds like Nick is going to take a pill whether I do it or not. Which means someone else will replace me in this milestone.

I look at the pill and wonder what back-alley lab it was made in. Who knows what has been packed into this thing. “What is it exactly?”

“It’s ecstasy. And I’m told it’s pure. Real good shit.” Nick looks at the pill in his hand. “Honestly, I have no idea what to expect, but everyone out there seems to be having fun, so I think it’s safe, and I trust the guy I got it from.” Nick seems confident about that. But whoever sold him the pill was just trying to push their product. I wonder if he’s in the living room. Seeing who is selling these things might make me feel a little better about taking it.

“So, you’re telling me you bought drugs from the world’s only honest drug dealer?” Nick sucks in a breath, like I just punched him in the stomach. He sort of smirks and shakes his head. I think he’s insulted, like I’m implying he’s been duped. If a portal to an unknown land opened up in this room right now, I would jump through it and never look back.

“It’s alright.” Nick holds out his hand, he wants the pill back.

I close my fingers around the tablet. “I just meant…you can’t trust a drug dealer.”

Nick scoffs. “I wouldn’t trust me if I were you either.”

“Well, you’re not a drug dealer, so I have nothing to worry about.” I try to lighten the mood, but he seems even more distraught. Like every word out of my mouth is hurting him. I sound like the pretentious bitch Heather King labeled me as during my first week of school.

Nick runs his hand through his hair. He opens his mouth to say something, then stops when someone cranks up the volume on the music. He pushes his open palm towards me, waiting for me to give back the pill so he can offer it to someone else. Some slut that will consider taking a pill with Nick as some sort of honor. Nick looks at the door, then back to me. He’s waiting for me to decide. It’s my choice.

Do I go home and never see Nick again? Never feel his hand in mine or his eyes in my direction? If I leave I give up his touch, his smell, the way he smiles at me. Or do I stay, take this pill, and be linked in this milestone with him for all eternity? There should be another choice in there somewhere, but I can’t find it. I don’t want to take this pill any more than I wanted this drink or to be at this party.

But here I am.

Sitting on a bed with the most charming, totally terrifying boy I’ve ever met.

And I’m putting the pill in my mouth.

And I’m swallowing it with a vodka and orange juice I didn’t want.

And he is smiling at me.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to,” I lie. I think it’s a lie. It’s not a lie. I did it for him. I did it for me. I did it because I couldn’t think of a reason not to.

I watch Nick pop the pill in his mouth and swallow it with my drink. He places the cup on the nightstand and turns around with a huge smile. “You’re awesome.” The look of admiration on his face is worth taking a thousand pills.

Nick and I sit side by side on the bed like a couple of old people watching the evening news. We talk about my job at the café and what plans we have for spring break while we wait to be overtaken by thizz. I have to admit, I’m not really scared. The pill was so small and insignificant, how much effect can it actually have on me?

“It kind of sucks that you have to work during spring break.” Nick takes my hand, reinforcing my decision to take the pill. I can’t give this up. Not yet.

“I don’t have to work. I want to. It keeps me busy.” I like the way my hand looks inside his. I just wish my nails were painted, or at least clean. I see little bits of coffee under my thumbnail. I hope he doesn’t notice. Boys like Nick hold manicured hands, not stubby, dry hands like mine. I pull my unworthy hand from his and pretend to fix my hair. “What are your plans?”

Nick waits for me to finish fiddling with my ponytail, then takes my hand again. “You,” he says confidently. “I plan on making you fall in love with me.”

I think my heart just stopped. I seriously have no pulse. My heart has been ripped from my chest by those words. Nick’s words. I look from my lap to Nick’s awaiting smile. There isn’t a hint of mockery on his face. He smiles with his whole face. His mouth, his eyes, he has the eyes of someone I want to love. Someone I will love. I should say something, but I can’t. I can’t speak or move. It’s a miracle I’m even breathing.

The music in the other room is vibrating the whole house. It makes me lightheaded. I know I’m sitting on a bed, but I feel like I’m in an elevator shooting to the top of a sky scraper. My stomach is in my throat. My heart is floating somewhere above my head.

Nick is watching me.

Smiling.

A big, happy smile.

I’m smiling now.

A big goofy smile.

My heart beats rapidly. A beat I’ve never felt before.

I take a deep breath and exhale slowly.

This is it.

This is me falling in love with Nick Marino.

No. This is thizz.

Ho-ly shit.

This is amazing. Thizz is amazing.

Nick stands, and I stand too.

He takes my hand and kisses it, then pulls me into his arms.

We laugh. At nothing. At everything.

He asks me if I’m ready.

I nod, but I don’t know what I’m agreeing to.

I stop caring. I just go.

He leads me into the party.

There’s a party going on!

The living room is vibrating.

The bass from the stereo pumps through my chest in place of my missing heart.

It feels good.

My head bobs to the beat of a song I don’t know. But I love it!

Nick looks back at me and smiles.

Those eyes. That mouth. I lean towards him and push my mouth onto his.

I’m kissing him.

I feel him smiling as he kisses me back.

Cheering. People are cheering.

Nick breaks away and high fives K.

They hug, then he hugs another guy, and another guy.

I stumble into the kitchen and see fresh red cups.

A dark-haired girl with a red tank top and white jeans offers me a drink.

I thank her. Her name is Alisa. She’s nice. She has a cousin named Amy. She smiles at me with a big, goofy grin.

We sip from our cups and smile at each other, at the room, at life.

I feel amazing.

I’m still trying to convince myself I’m not going to die as I fall out the front door. I lean on the porch railing and look into the empty street.

How are you going to sell this shit, if you’re too scared to take it?

“You ok?” I hear a female voice coming from the shadows.

Haley is sitting on the porch swing.

“I’m good.” I try to regain my composure.

“Come and sit.”

I don’t want her company, but I do as she says. I don’t want to be alone in case I start to die or something. “You gotta joint?”

“No, sorry,” she says and offers a bottle of water. “Did you take a pill?”

I wave the bottle away. “No, yeah. I mean, I just took it.”

“I took mine like two hours ago. I’m so fucked-up right now.” Haley tosses her head back and closes her eyes.

“You look totally sober to me.” As soon as I say that, I see her jaw tighten and release like she’s chewing on something.

“Believe me, I don’t feel sober. I feel fuck-ing amazing!” She grinds her teeth and kicks off the porch, forcing the swing into motion.

I laugh at the enthusiasm in her voice, but the swinging makes me nauseous. I drag my foot to slow it and then stand up. I lean on the porch railing and watch her chew on imaginary gum. I feel something different in her demeanor. She isn’t herself. She’s softer, happier than she was at the bonfire.

She stops the swing and says, “You know I used to totally crush on you in the seventh grade.”

I knew she liked me back then, but she was still in her awkward phase. When I was twelve I was in love with Jessica Alba and Angelina Jolie, and girls from school couldn’t compete with that. I shrug and kick her foot out from under her. The swing moves again.

“You’re the nice one. That’s what all the girls say. Matt’s the nice one and Nick’s the hot one.” She wets her lips with water and smiles.

“Whatever.” I snatch the water from her and take a drink. My mouth suddenly feels dry. Haley is watching me. It sort of makes me uncomfortable. “Thanks for the swing,” I say and hand her the water bottle.

She grins and runs her hand along mine before taking the bottle. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re hot.” She grabs the front of my hoodie and kisses me. Against my better judgement—I let her.

The tingling sensation starts in my feet and works its way up my legs until every nerve in my body is vibrating. I fall onto the swing with a thump. The kiss ends as abruptly as it began, and Haley goes back to swinging as if nothing happened. The swing is moving back and forth, back and forth. Haley sits quietly beside me. I close my eyes and literally feel my entire body go numb.

“DUDE!” Nick yells from the doorway. “This is fucking awesome!” I spring to my feet, and it feels like the first time I hit a home run in little league, pure exhilaration. “Thizz is going to change everything!” Nick screams into the empty air.

I’m bouncing on the balls of my feet in front of Nick. He mimics my movements and we mock fight on the porch. Haley squeals with delight on the swing. I leave Nick and scoop her into my arms. I squeeze her like I did Dani earlier, but Haley squeezes back. She even kisses my neck before I set her down.

“Dude, we are going to make so much fucking money!” Nick grabs my hand and pulls me in for a bro hug. “Fucking Stanford, dude!” Nick knows how badly I want to go. The fact that he brought me in on this shows what a good friend he is.

“Thank you, man,” I say with more sincerity than I’ve ever felt in my life. I hug Nick and pound his back.

“You’re my boy, Matty. Always have been, always will be. Nothing comes between this.” Nick points to the space between us.

“Nothing.” I look him square in eye and think of Dani. I have to ask. I have to know if his feelings are real. I need to know he cares about her. If he does, I’ll let her go, I think. “What’s up with you and Dani?”

“Ah, man. She’s the shit.” He gives me his stock answer, then he pauses. He really seems to think about his feelings for her. “I’ve never met anyone that didn’t judge me because of my family. She doesn’t grill me about being a Marino, she doesn’t even give a shit. Dani likes me, for me. I think. Fuck, I don’t know. I hope she does.” Nick runs his hand through his hair, his nervous tick.

I can’t stand to see my best friend fret over a girl. Even if it’s a girl I sort of believe is amazing too. But she obviously doesn’t want me, and I’m not a cock-blocker. I won’t stand in Nick’s way if he really does care about her. He deserves someone like Dani. We all do. I don’t know why, but I suddenly want them to be together. “You’re Nick fucking Marino, of course she loves you!” I punch Nick in the arm and he pretends to be hurt. The moment lightens and we start play-boxing again. Boxing turns into wrestling. We fall onto the lawn and Nick concedes. He must be high if he let me win. The grass is damp from the ocean air. I feel moisture seeping into my jeans as I stare at the stars.

“I like her,” Nick says quietly.

I think about the way she smiled at me when I walked into our computer class. My heart feels like a rock skimming across the top of a still lake. I have to let it go, let her go. I can’t have her, not that I ever could have.

“She’s here.” Nick stands up and cleans off his pants. “I tried to tell you earlier, but you were pretty fucked up.”

Wait, what? Dani is here. With Nick.

Nick looks into the house. I stand up and follow his line of sight.

I want to see her. I don’t want to see her.

“What’s up, dude!” Nick yells to Arnie, who is racing down the steps toward us. Nick says dude this is awesome. Arnie tells him he’s in love with thizz. Nick says dude I love you. Arnie pulls him in for a hug and says dude I love you too.

I walk away. I’m looking for her. I’m not looking for her.

I see her in the kitchen. She’s sipping a drink. Haley’s a liar. Why are girls liars? I hate girls.

“What’s up, Matty boy.” K pushes me into the kitchen and drags me towards the keg.

Towards Dani.

I see him, and I don’t know why I’m smiling, because he isn’t.

He looks at me like I just ran over his puppy.

He looks at me like I just stole his best friend.

I continue to smile at Matt. He doesn’t smile back, and it breaks my heart.

I watch him get a beer, he watches Nick kiss my cheek.

I watch him stumble out of the kitchen when Nick takes me in his arms.

I’m confused. Matt confuses me.

He looks hurt. Jealous. Mad.

Why? He didn’t want me.

Nick wants me.

I want Nick.

I’m sorry, Matt.

She looks at me and smiles. A big, unnatural smile. It’s not her smile. It’s not the small, shy smile that I’ve seen in my dreams. This smile isn’t for me.

Nick pushes past me, straight to Dani, like he’s a bungee cord retracting into place.

That smile is for Nick. That is Nick’s smile.

I need to get away, far away. Before I do or say something I’ll regret.

“Dude, you’re fucked up!” K shoves a beer in my hand and drags me back into the living room.

I feel like I’m floating above the ground. Not so high that everyone can tell, just enough to where I don’t have to use my legs to move. I glide towards the front door and hit a wall of flesh. Troy’s brother, Paul, appears in front of me and says, “Get hyphy!” He shakes his long frizzy hair in a circular motion.

“What’s hyphy?”

Paul falls onto the couch in hysterical fits of laughter. “Ah boy, you know, getting hyphy or goin’ dumb.” He starts laughing again when I shake my head. “Troy boy, go dumb,” Paul yells to his brother.

Troy holds his arms out as if he is trying to balance his weight as he bounces his body up and down, or is it more of a circular motion? I can’t tell by just standing here watching. I have to try it myself. I don’t have the long hair or dreads that Troy wears, but I shake my head like I do. Troy and his brothers dance around me, laughing and clapping as I get hyphy with them.

The song ends and I come up for air. I turn towards the door and find Dani watching me. She’s so fucking beautiful. If Nick wasn’t guarding her like a god damn German Shepard, I’d be next to her. I’d be the reason for her smile. I’d be the one kissing her cheek, whispering in her ear, making her laugh. Nick pulls Dani’s hand towards the door. She starts to leave then turns around. She walks to the center of the room and stops in front of me. I reach for her, then force myself to hold back. I can’t touch her. If I touch her I’ll never let her go. If I touch her, I will fall in love with her.

“That was amazing!” She lifts her arms and wraps them around my neck.

Too late. I put my arms around her waist and bury my face in her hair. Touching her gives me goose bumps. I want to pull her closer, I want to feel her against me. I look up and see Nick. I don’t want him to think I’m enjoying this in any other way than pure friendship. My jeans would beg to differ. I back away so she doesn’t feel anything she shouldn’t. She lets me go, but not before she kisses my cheek. My entire body breaks into a sweat. I look over her head at Nick, and he nods to me like I should let go of his girl. I nod back and shrug. I’m not doing anything—but I’m thinking it.

“Where did you learn to dance like that?” Dani fidgets with the cup in her hand and vigorously chews on a piece of gum.

“From these guys.” I point to Paul and Troy, who are dancing with a couple of girls behind me. “Do you want me to teach you?” I take a step back and hold out my arms. K sees me about to get down and yells, “Go Matt.” Before I know what’s going on, the entire house is chanting my name. Dani takes a step back with a huge grin on her face. I can’t fuck this up.

I start to bounce up and down. I pinch the collar of my shirt and then flick it away to the beat. I repeat this to the other side. Troy and Paul join me, and we perform a little trio, taking turns in the spotlight. The house explodes when K jumps in and starts to pop. It’s fucking awesome. I look through the crowd and find Dani. She gives me a double thumbs-up. I dance my way over to her. She does that girl thing where she looks like she’s dancing, but really she’s just swaying in place. It still looks incredibly hot. Yeah, she does that and I dance in front of her, like we’re dancing together, but not really. Everything is all good until she throws her arms around me. I feel my heart swell with more force than my jeans.

“You have some skills,” she yells in my ear. She doesn’t really need to yell. I can hear her just fine, but having her close feels too good to care about my damaged eardrum.

“Thank you,” I say softly in her ear. It would be so easy to just kiss her, kiss her ear, her neck. My lips are so close. One millimeter closer and they’d be touching her skin. Then suddenly, she’s gone.

I look up and see Nick pulling her from my arms. He’s taking her outside. He’s taking her from me.

“Let’s get some air, it’s hot in here,” Nick says.

I don’t want to go. I want to stay inside with Matt. But I go anyway.

I step onto the porch—the cool air feels so good. I’m never going back inside that house again!

I follow Nick off the porch. He kisses my cheek and a chill ripples through my body.

“Come here.” Nick sinks to the ground and I follow him. We lie on our backs in the grass and stare at the stars. I feel his hand search for mine, and I move it towards him so it’s easy to find. He grips my fingers and traces his thumb over the back of my hand, and I can’t stop wishing he was tracing other areas of my body. I don’t consider myself a very sexual person, but Nick has turned me into a raging slut. In my mind anyway.

“What’s your favorite movie?”

I look at Nick through the darkness and laugh. If he only knew what I was thinking right now, he wouldn’t be making small talk. I’ll play along. Anything to clean up the smut. “Um, I have a few.”

“Ok, your favorite drama.” He squeezes my fingers and sort of laughs.

“That’s easy, Butterfly Effect.” I was so addicted to that movie last year. I loved the idea of jumping to different times in your life and changing them. I think about what would happen if I could go back, change something from that night. Had we made the light at Brannan Street or sat in thirty seconds of traffic on the bridge. If any one of those things happened, I wouldn’t have had to leave my home and move in with Lucy. I wouldn’t have met Matt, and I wouldn’t be here right now with Nick. My stomach twists at the thoughts in my mind. I’m happy here; does that mean I’m glad I’m not back home with my parents? As if that were an option.

“My favorite drama hands down is Scarface,” Nick volunteers. I forgot he was even lying beside me. I focus on him, his words, his smell, the warmth emanating from his body. “Goodfellas is a really close second.” I can’t help but smile as Nick rattles off a bunch of gangster movies. I’m starting to see a theme here. I wonder what Matt’s favorite movie is? Thinking of Matt causes another feeling altogether. Something I shouldn’t feel at all. “I also like Forrest Gump.” Nick rolls onto his side to face me and rests his head in his hand. “Don’t tell anyone.”

“About Forest Gump? Why?”

“Cause the guys will fuck with me.” He sounds a little vulnerable, like he just confessed a secret. Is his image so important he can’t admit he likes a movie that doesn’t involve drug dealing and mass murders?

“I like Forest Gump. Stupid is as stupid does,” I say in my best Gump voice.

“Life is like a box of chocolates…” Nick chimes in with a laugh and makes a face that reminds me of Matt. They have the same mannerisms. The way they nod their head when something is funny, like they’re agreeing with the universe. Matt even held me the same way as Nick when he hugged me at the bonfire. Being in his arms felt good. Just as good as Nick’s.

“Does Matt like Forest Gump?” I don’t know why I asked him that. I can’t help it. He’s on my mind. Part of me wishes he was lying on the other side of me right now. Oh God, I’ve reached official slut status.

“Yeah. We watched it like fifty times.” He falls onto his back.

Oh no. Why did I have to ask that stupid question about Matt? Matt doesn’t want me. He set me up with Nick. He wants me to be with Nick.

I need to do something, say something to let Nick know that I want to be here with him and nobody else. I move closer to him, and he wraps his arm around me so my head is resting in the crook of his arm. “What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?” I ask.

“Butter pecan.” Nick moans softly as I drag my hand across his chest. I’m so focused on the movement of my hand and the way Nick is reacting to it that it takes me a minute to realize what he just said.

“Did you say butter pecan?” I sit up to look at him in amazement.

“I know it’s like an old-lady flavor, but I like it.” Nick places his left arm under his head. The muscles in his arm bulge like he’s flexing. My hormones rage, or maybe it’s thizz. Something is making me want to do unspeakable things to this beautiful butter-pecan-eating creature.

I lean in close to his face until our lips are almost touching. “I. Love. Butter. Pecan.” I drag out each word.

“You know what that means?” He places his hand on the back of my head. “We were meant to be.” He pushes me slowly towards him until my mouth is on his. Nick rolls me onto my back and drives his mouth, his entire body into me. Every breath becomes a movement, every movement a new desire. I pull at his hair, squeeze the muscles in his arms, and pull him to me all at once. We are like this for an infinite amount of time. It could have been seconds that felt like minutes or minutes that seemed like hours. I don’t know how we started or why he stops. Nothing makes sense and it’s fucking awesome.

Nick lies next to me and entwines his fingers with mine. “Do you like pizza?”

It’s the most random question anyone has ever asked me. “Of course. Who doesn’t like pizza?”

“Matt,” Nick says flatly.

My heart skips a beat when he says his name. Who cares about Matt? Certainly not me. “What a freak.” I sit up and kiss Nick. He smiles against my lips then pulls me on top of him.

“I really like you, Dani,” he says softly. “I just thought you should know.”

I don’t know why Nick’s confession feels like bad news. Isn’t this what I wanted? Why I accepted the ride home, why I came to this party—because of Nick, not Matt. I have three months left of high school, so I might as well make the most of it. Nick kisses me softly. His lips move tenderly over mine and a new sensation floods my body. Dread, excitement, love. I don’t know what I’m feeling, but I like it. I like Nick.