Текст книги "Magic's Pawn"

Автор книги: Mercedes Lackey

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Текущая страница: 8 (всего у книги 23 страниц)

The snow-plain stretched all around him, empty – but not asking anything of him. Cold, but not a threat. But lonely, lonely – oh, gods, howempty -

But not asking, not hurting -

He blinked again, and Tylendel was still there, still staring into his eyes with an openness and a concern he could not doubt.

“Go away!” he gasped; waiting for pain, waiting to be laughed at.

“Why?” Tylendel asked, quietly. “I want to help you.”

He was turning to ice; soon there would be no feeling and nothing to feel– and he would be trapped.

Tylendel took advantage of his distraction to get his arms around him. “Van, I wouldn’t hurt you. I couldn’thurt you.”

He closed his eyes and gasped for breath, his chest tight and hurting. – oh, gods – I want this -

“I’m just trying to get you warm again,” Tylendel said with a hint of impatience.

“That’s all.Relax, will you?”

He didrelax; he couldn’t maintain his indifference – and to his shame, began crying again – and he couldn’t stop the tears any more than he could the shivering.

But not only did Tylendel not seem to mind -

“Come on, Vanyel,” he soothed, pulling him into a comfortable position on his shoulder, supporting him like a little child. “It’s all right, I told you I won’t hurt you. I wouldn’t everhurt you. Cry yourself out, it’s just you and me, and I’ll never tell anyone. On my honor. Absolutely on my honor.”

It was already too late to save his battered dignity anyway -

Vanyel surrendered appearance, self-respect, everything. He sagged against Tylendel’s shoulder, burying his face in Tylendel’s soft, worn, blue robe. He let the last of his pride dissolve, releasing all the tears he’d been keeping behind his walls of indifference and arrogance. Soon he was crying so hard he couldn’t even think, just cling to Tylendel’s shoulders and sob. He didn’t really hear what Tylendel was saying, only the tone of his voice registered in his sleep-mazed grief; comforting, compassionate, caring.

He cried his eyes sore and dry; he cried until his nose felt swollen to the size of an apple. All the time he shivered with the terrible cold that seemed to have become one with his very bones; shivered until the bed shook.

Finally there just weren’t any tears left – and he wasn’t shivering anymore, he was warm – and more than warm; protected. And completely exhausted. Tylendel held him as carefully as if he was made of spun glass and would shatter at a breath; just held him. That was all.

It was enough. It was more than he ever remembered having. He wished it could last forever.

– may the gods help me. I’ve always wanted this-

“Done?” Tylendel asked, very quietly, a good while after the last of the sobs and the tremors had finished shaking his body.

He nodded, reluctantly, and felt the arms holding him relax. He sat up again, and Tylendel cupped both his hands around his face, turning him into the light. He winced away from it, knowing what he must look like; the trainee chuckled, but it had a kindly, not a mocking, sound.

“You’re a mess, peacock,” he said, somehow making the words a joke to be shared between them. Vanyel smiled, tentatively, and Tylendel dabbed at his eyes with the corner of the sheet.

“Do you have so common a thing as a handkerchief around here?” he asked, quite casually. Vanyel nodded, and fumbled at the drawer of the bedside table until Tylendel patted his hand away and got the square of linen out of it himself.

“Here,” he gave it to Vanyel, then settled back a little. “I couldn’t sleep; got up to get some wine and heard you. Do this often?”

Vanyel blew his nose, and looked up at the older boy through half-swollen eyes.

“Often enough,” he confessed.

“Nightmare?”

He nodded, and looked down at his hands.

“Know why?”

“No,” he whispered. But he did. He did. It was hearing the Bards – hearing what he’d never, ever have – and then encountering Tylendel and knowing-

Gods.

“Want to tell me about it?”

He dared another glance at the trainee; the quiet face of the older boy was not easy to read, but there were no signs of deception there that Vanyel could see.

But -

“You’ll laugh at me,” he said, ready to pull away again.

“No. On my honor. Van, I don’t lie.I won’t laugh at you, and nothing you tell me will go outside this room unless you want it to.”

Vanyel shivered again, and without any warning at all, the words came spilling out.

“It’s – ice,” he said, sniffing, studying his hands and the handkerchief he had twisted up in them. “It’s all around me; I’m trapped, I can’t get out, and I’m so cold – so cold. Then I cut myself, and Istart to turn into ice. Then – sometimes, like tonight – I’m somewhere else, and I’m fighting these things, and I know I’m going to die. And the worst of it isn’t the pain, or the dying – it’s that – that – “ he faltered, “ – I’m – all alone. So totally alone – “

It sounded so banal, so incredibly foolish, just put into words like that. Especially when he didn’t, couldn’t,tell Tylendel the rest, the part about him.He looked up, expecting to see mockery in the older boy’s face – and froze, seeing nothing of the kind.

“Van, I think I know what you mean,” Tylendel said slowly. “There are times when – when being alone is a hurt that’s worse than dying. When it’s easier to die than to be alone. Aren’t there?”

Vanyel blinked, caught without words.

Tylendel’s voice was so soft he might well have been speaking to himself. “Sometimes, maybe it’s better to have had someone and lost them than to have never had anyone – “

Then Tylendel’s eyes focused for a moment on Vanyel. And Vanyel’s heart spasmed at the flash of emotion he saw. A longing he’d not everdreamed to see there. Directed at him.

– oh– gods. I never– I thought– he can’t-

He does. He is. Father will-

I don’t care!

He snatched at what was proffered before it could be taken away.

“Vanyel – “ the blond began.

“ ‘Lendel – “ Vanyel interrupted, urgently, daring the nickname he’d heard his aunt use. “Stay with me – please. Please.” His words tumbled over one another as he hurried to get them out before Tylendel could interrupt; he caught hold of the older boy’s wrist. “The ice is still there, I knowit is, it’s inside me and it’s freezing me from the inside out – it’s killing my – feelings. I think it’s killing me. Please, please, don’t leave me alone with it – “

“You don’tknow what you’re asking,” Tylendel said, almost angrily; pulling his hand out of Vanyel’s, his eyes no longer readable. “You can’t know. You don’t know what Iam.”

“But I do,”Vanyel protested desperately. “I do, the girls tell me things to get my attention – they told me you’re – uh – shay’a’chern,they said. That you don’t sleep with girls; that you – “ He felt himself blush, the rush of blood almost painful, his cheeks were so sore from crying.

“Then dammit,Vanyel, what do you think I’m made of?” Tylendel cried harshly, his face twisted and his eyes reflecting internal pain. “What do you think I am?

Marble? You’re beautiful,you’re bright, you’re everything I’d ever ask for – you think I can stay here and not want you? Good gods, I won’ttake advantage of an innocent, but what you’re asking of me would try the control of a saint!”

“You don’t understand. I knowwhat I’m asking,” Vanyel replied, catching his wrist again before he could get up and stalk off into the dark. “I doknow.”

Tylendel shook his head violently and looked away.

“ ‘Lendel – look at me,” Vanyel pleaded, pouring his heart out in a confession he’d never have dared to make before this. “Listen – I don’t like girls either. I’m notan innocent, I know what I want, ‘Lendel, please, listen – I’ve been – rl’ve beddedenough of them to know that they don’t do anything for me. It’s – about as mechanical as dancing, or eating. They just don’t meananything to me.”

Tylendel stopped trying to pull away, and turned a face to Vanyel that was so full of dumbfounded surprise that the younger boy had to fight hysterical laughter.

“And I do? You – “ Tylendel began, then his face hardened. “Don’t play with me, Vanyel. Don’t toy with me. I’ve had that game played on me once already – and I don’t want to hear you crying to Savil in the morning that I seduced you.”

Vanyel bit his lip, and looked directly into Tylendel’s eyes, pleadingly. “I’m not playing, ‘Lendel. Please.” He felt his eyes sting, and this time didn’t try to hide the two tears that spilled down his raw cheeks. “I – I’ve been thinking about this for a long while. Almost since I got here, and they – told me about you. And you never laughed at me. You – were – kind to me. You kept being kind to me even when I was pretty rude. It meant a lot to me. And I didn’t know how to thank you. I – started feeling – things around you. I was scared. I didn’t dare let you guess. I didn’t want to admit what I wanted; now I do.”

The older boy looked at him sideways. “Which is?”

Vanyel gulped. “I want to be with you, ‘Lendel. And if you go – I won’t have any choice but the ice – “

Once again Tylendel cupped his face between his strong hands, and gently brushed the tears away with hesitant fingers. He stared deeply into Vanyel’s eyes for so long, and so searchingly, that Vanyel thought he surely must be reading right down to the depths of his soul. Vanyel held his gaze, and tried to make his own eyes say that he meant every word he’d said. Tylendel finally nodded, once, slowly.

Then he reached out, quite deliberately, and snuffed the candle before taking Vanyel back into his arms.

It was very dark; no light outside, no sound but the rain falling. After a moment, Tylendel chuckled with what sounded like surprise, and said softly into Vanyel’s ear, “I’m beginning to wonder just who’s taking advantage of who, here.”

Then, a bit later, another chuckle to tell Vanyel that he was teasing. “Move over, you selfish little peacock, I’m about to freeze to death.”

Then no words at all.

Then again, they didn’t need words.

The halls were totally deserted, chill, and lit by lamps that were slowly flickering out as they used up the last of the night’s oil. Savil’s slow, weary footsteps echoed before and behind her without disturbing so much as a spider. At one point on the long walk back to her quarters from the Council Chamber, Savil wasn’t entirely certain she was going to make it. She was so damned tired she was about ready to give up and lie down in the middle of the cold hall.

I’m getting too old for this,she told herself. No more younglings after this lot. I can’t take the emotional ups and downs. And I truly cannot take these all-night sessions with a lot of stubborn old goats.

She grinned a little ironically at herself.

Of which I am one of the most stubborn. But gods– hours like this are for the young. Ihurt. And I think I’m going to beg off ‘Lendel’s weather working lesson today, else my bones are going to ache more. Gods bless – the door at last.

She pushed open the door to the suite; Tylendel had left a night-candle burning, but it, too, was guttering. No matter, there was the pearly gray light of an overcast dawn creeping in through the windows of her room, the lifebonded’s, and Tylendel’s -

She froze. Tylendel’s bed was unoccupied; she could see it through the door.

Don’t panic, old woman– she cautioned herself. Just do a bit of a trace, first– you’ve shared magic; you ‘ve got the line to his mind. See where it leads.

She found the little energy-link that said Tylendeland followed it back to where Tylendel himself was. It wasn’t very far. Still in the suite, in fact. In Vanyel’s room.

Vanyel’sroom?

Her first reaction was to fling the door open and demand to know what was going on. Her second was to chuckle; with aura overtones like thatshe bloody well knewwhat was going on!

But – Vanyel?Gods have mercy. No sign he was shay ‘a ‘chern-

Then again, given Withen’s prejudices, he mighthave feared for a long time that the boy was fey. And Withen’s answer to that fear would have been -

Exactly what he’d been doing. Keeping the boy sheltered at home rather than fostering him out and trying to shove him in the direction Withen wanted. Trying to force the boy into a mold he was totally unsuited for. And he also might well have protected the boy from even the ideathat same-sex pairings were possible. So the boy himself wouldn’t have known what he was – until he first found out about ‘Lendel.

Which answered a great many questions indeed. The question now was – what had led to this, and what was it going to mean for the future?

She took a deep breath of the chilly, damp air, and groped her way back to her own room. No use rushing things; questioning could be done just as easy with herself lying in her own warm bed. Easier, actually, given

how she felt.

She stripped herself down to the skin, promised her weary bones a bath later,and dragged on a bedgown before crawling into the blankets. The warmblankets, and she blessed Tylendel’s thoughtfulness for putting the warming spell on her bed before he’d taken to his own. Or – whatever.

She settled herself comfortably, and reached out a thin tendril of Mindspeech in Private-mode. If the imp was awake-

He was.

:Savil?:came the sleep-blurred thought, dense with a feeling of contentment. –

.Thought I heard you come in. Found me, hmm?:

:Aye. And I have a pile of questions.:She shifted herself until her left shoulder stopped aching quite so much. :The only important one is, how did you talk him into it?:

:I didn’t. It was all Van’s idea.:

She almost lost the Mindspeech thread with her start of surprise, and had to grope after it. :Sounds like I really missed something! What in the name of the Havenshappened last night?:

:Too much to talk about now.:There were overtones of mental and physical weariness to his Mind-voice. :But he’s going to be all right, Savil. We did more than – just the physical. I think we must have talked for hours, before and after. He handed me the key to himself, and hewanted me to have it.:

She raised a sardonic mental eyebrow. :’Lendel– I don’t want to drench you with cold water, but may I remind you of what happened thelast time morning arrived with you in someone else’s bed?:

:It ‘s all right, Savil, it really is this time.:A feeling of faint surprise. :You know, you ‘re always teasing me about falling in love – but – I don’t know, this feels different. :

Savil snorted. :Right; it always does. No, don’t let an old cynic disturb you.:

:Teacher– Ithink this is going to be something more than just a one-time; I think he needs me.:

:Oh, Havens. All right, if that’s the way you think it’s going – just let me know in the morning if you plan to move in with him. Or him with you, though his is the better chamber. We could use a spare for guests.:

Flavor of laughter like crisp apples. :You just want my room back. :

:If you aren’t using it – seriously, ‘Lendel, this is important. Iwant to have a long talk with him when I get up, and I want you there. He really should know what he’s letting himself in for asshay’a’chern. I don’t think we should let that get out, and I’ll Mindspeak with you on that before we talk with him. Hmm– cancel your classes this morning; I’m too tired, and I have the feeling you weren’t exactly early to sleep:

Another apple-feeling of laughter, and the mind-link faded. And she let exhaustion pull her down into a slumber that she really didn’t want,not anymore.

One last thought before sleep came.

Great good gods, what am I going to tell Withen ?

Tylendel raised himself up on his elbow and looked down at the slumbering boy beside him. Rest had repaired the damages that several hours of soul-wrenching weeping had done to Vanyel’s face; relaxed, and with all his barriers down, he looked as innocent as an unawakened child -

– which he was, as Tylendel now knew quite intimately, not.Not in any way; except, perhaps, his vulnerability.

“Van,” he whispered, touching his shoulder, and feeling just a faint chill of apprehension despite his words to his mentor, “can you wake up a little?”

Vanyel stirred, wrinkled his nose, and half-opened his eyes. And when he saw who was beside him, he smiled with heart-stopping sweetness. With all his masks gone, he was as charming as he was beautiful.

“Hmm?” he said, blinking, as Tylendel felt a surge of relief and gratitude that this was notgoing to be a repeat of the infamous Nevis affair.

“Want a roommate?”

“You – why?”

He grinned; he knew now that you had to showVan that something was a joke, or often he’d taken it seriously. “Savil seems to want my room back – for guests, she says. Besides, I like your company.”

Vanyel’s reply, though not verbal, was a definite and unmistakable affirmative.

“We have,” Savil said dryly, “several problems, here.”

She’d had that Mindspeech conference with Tylendel as she’d gotten herself put together for the day. Nice thing, Mindspeech; let you cover more than one thing at once. And after giving it thorough consideration while she bathed, she decided to have her “little talk” with Vanyel in hisroom. With any luck, he’d feel less threatened there.

She did usurp the most comfortable chair in the room, though. The privilege of age,she told herself, waiting for the two young men to settle themselves. Without seeming to consult about it, Tylendel sat on the edge of the bed, and Vanyel arranged himself cross-legged on the floor at his feet.

And the flexibility of youth. Would that I could still do that!The body language gave her spirits a lift, though; the way Vanyel had positioned himself was interesting. At Tylendel’s feet, below both her head and his lover’s. That could well show he’d given up that pose of arrogant superiority. Very interesting.

Iwonder if having a steady lover at his side might well give ‘Lendel something to think about besides his twin and that damned feud. On the other hand– this lad’s been so affection-starved– this could be another sort of trouble.

“Yes, indeed, we have quite a few little problems here,” she repeated.

Tylendel nodded at her words; Vanyel looked puzzled, at first, then thoughtful.

“The first problem and the one that’s going to tie in to all the others, Vanyel, is your father.” She paused, and Vanyel bit his lip. “I’m sure that you realize that if he finds out about this, he is going to react badly.”

Vanyel coughed, and bowed his head, hiding his face for a moment. When he looked back up, he was wearing a weary, ironic half-smile; a smile that had as much pain in it as humor. It was, by far and away, the most open expression Savil had ever seen him wear.

“ ‘Badly’ is something of an understatement, Aunt,” he replied, rubbing his temple with one finger. “He’ll – gods, I can’t predict what he’ll do, but he’ll be in a rage, that’s for certain.”

“He’ll pull you home, Van,” Tylendel said in a completely flat voice. “And he can do it; you’re not of age, you aren’t Chosen, and you aren’t in Bardic.”

“And Ican’t protect you,” Savil sighed, wishing that she could. “I can stall him off for a while, seeing as he officially turned guardianship of you over to me, but it won’t last more than a couple of months. Then – well, I’ll give you my educated guess as to what Withen will do. I thinkhe’ll put you under house arrest long enough for everybody to forget about you, then find himself a compliant priest and ship you off to a temple. Probably one faraway, with very strict rules about outside contact. There are, I’m sorry to say, several sects who hold that shay’a’chernare tainted. They’d be only to happy to ‘purify’ you for Withen and Withen’s gold. And under the laws of this kingdom, none of us could save you from them.”

Vanyel nodded; by the startled agreement in his eyes, Savil reckoned that this was a speculation he’d entertained before this, although for different causes. “So is there anythingI can do?’’ he asked quietly.

“Obviously,” she said, “Or I wouldn’t be talking to you now. But you aren’t going to like the solution to your problem. It’s pretty heartbreakingly simple. Outside of this room, Vanyel, nothing is to change. “

“But – “ He twisted his head around to see what Tylendel thought about this, only to find that his lover was nodding, in complete agreement with her.

“Savil’s right, Van,” Tylendel said sadly.

“But – “ Vanyel protested, holding out one hand toward him in entreaty, then turning the same pleading eyes on Savil when Tylendel shook his head.

“Mardic and Donni are discreet, and I’d trust Margret to keep what she knows behind her teeth even under torture, but if you want to stayhere, Vanyel, you won’t say or do anything to betray your relationship to ‘Lendel. The moment people start to talk, it’ll get back to your father.”

“The quickest way to make them talk, love,” Tylendel said in what was almost a whisper, “is to change. Is to even be friendlierto me than you have been. You told me the girls told you I was a pervert.” Vanyel’s eyes widened at Tylendel’s directness. “It can’t have escaped your notice how they sniggered and giggled about it, and they were being polite.My preferences are not generally socially acceptable. There are only two reasons why I have as little trouble as I do. The first is that I’m a Herald-trainee, and Heralds are allowed a bit more license than ordinary mortals. And my patron is Savil. She just happens to outrank everybody in the Circle except the Queen’s Own.”

“And the other reason?” Vanyel said in a very subdued voice.

What stretched Tylendel’s mouth was something less than a smile. “The fact that I took a couple of the worst offenders on and kept knocking them down until they didn’t get up.”

“Oh.”

Tylendel caught up one of his hands in both of his own. “I knowyou want everyone to know about us. I can’t tell you how much that means to me. But it will mean a lot more to me to know you were going to be able to staywith me.”

“And to do that, young Vanyel,” Savil said, intruding into the intense interaction between them, “you are going to have to begin a performance a Master Player couldn’t equal. ‘Lendel and I have been talking about you this afternoon.”

From the complete astonishment on his face, Savil could tell that he hadn’tguessed they’d been in conference via Mindspeech. For that matter, it might be that he didn’t know they both had that Gift.

“We share the Mindspeech Gift, lad, and it’s damned useful at times like this. He’s told me some of what you told him, and it rather changed my mind about you. But I will not lie to you; I’m going to help you because hewants it, because he wants you here. So now I’m going to orderyou; outside of this suite you are to be the same arrogant little bastard that arrived here. And if you can manage to be slightlyrude to ‘Lendel, that’s even better. And in return, I’ll make this suite a little sanctuary for the two of you. Is it a bargain?”

Vanyel, who had gone rather pale, gulped, and nodded.

Savil smiled for the first time since she’d begun this conference.

“That’s a good lad. If you’re half of what ‘Lendel claims for you, I’m going to come to like you a great deal, and I’m sorry for the treatment you’ve had from your father. I’ll tell you that he isn’tthe same person I knew when I was Chosen. He’s gone stiff and stubborn, and altogether hidebound. Maybe it’s age; maybe it’s that a lot of his old friends have taken the Long Walk and he’s seeing Death looking for him, too. Maybe it’s that priest he’s gotten tied up with – I just don’t know.” She coughed. “Well, that’s not to the point; what isto the point is that you’ll only have to keep up this charade until you’re eighteen; you’ll be your own man then, and can do what you please. And I’ll see to it that ‘Lendel begins having trouble with his Mage-lessons.” She winked, and Tylendel chortled. “I think we can keep him out of Whites until you’re of age. After that,” if this love affair lasts that long“you’ll have to make your decisions on your own. Fair enough?”

“More than fair, Aunt Savil.” Vanyel looked very subdued, and quite unlike the boy that had faced her something like a month ago. She couldn’t quite pinpoint why.

:’Lendel, what is it about him?:she Mindspoke, letting her puzzlement drift over.

:No masks,:came the immediate answer. .-This is thereal Vanyel, dearheart. The one nobody but me – and maybe his sister– has seen. Now see why I love him?:

The last thought stopped her cold. :Are you that sure,ke’chara? Are you really that sure?:

His eyes caught hers over Vanyel’s head; caught and held them. :I’m that sure.:

:And him ?:

:I don’( know; but he was willing to defy his father for me, and I think that says something.:

She closed her own eyes against that burning, intense gaze. :Then may the gods help and guard you.:

She turned her attention back to Vanyel, and quickly. He was still looking toward Tylendel, and the very same look was in his eyes – and a vulnerability and apprehension that cut at her heart.

“I’ll help you all I can, son,” she said quietly. “I’ll help you all I can.”