Текст книги "Complicate Me"

Автор книги: M. Robinson

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Текущая страница: 20 (всего у книги 22 страниц)

She faced the hole in the drywall that never got fixed when I walked in, closing the door behind me and leaning against it. I silently prayed it would hold me up when all this was said and done and all I wanted to do was breakdown.

She didn’t turn when she softly expressed, “I used to think that it was Stacey… and then Cole… and then you moving… or it was prom… or me moving… and then lastly Mason…” she rambled as I tried to make sense of what she said.

“I thought that’s where things ended between us. Each one of those times, it changed the significant directions our lives took. Each unexpected circumstance and situation, but it wasn’t, Lucas, it was that night.”

I looked at the hole, replaying that night in my mind.

“The night you punched this hole in the wall, that was the beginning of the end for us. It’s still here mocking us.” She paused to let her words sink in. I couldn’t help but feel that she was right. That night changed everything for us if I would have known then what I know now.

“I hate,” she hesitated, contemplating what to say I was sure.

“I hate what Cole did last night, we went back to the suite and argued. It’s probably one of the biggest fights we’ve had. I slept on the couch and I’ve barely said two words to him this morning. It wasn’t about us like he claims, he wanted to hurt you.”

“I’ve always known Cole was an asshole, Alex. I’m surprised it’s taken you this long to see it.”

She immediately turned to face me. Her eyes were red and swollen like she had been crying all night. It took everything inside me not to go to her.

To comfort her.

To hold her.

“Not like that.” She shook her head. “That was cruel. He’s never used me for his pride before. He hurt me. He made our engagement become a spectacle, a game.”

“A game that he won.”

“I’m not a prize, Lucas.”

“Then you don’t see what we do,” I simply stated. “Why do you always show up looking so beautiful that it literally hurts my eyes to look at you?”

Her breath hitched.

“Are you happy? Are you happy with him?” I had to know.

She nodded.

“Is he good to you?”

She nodded, again, her face frowning.

I shook my head in disbelief. “Jesus Christ, Alex, you’re literally marrying the first guy that’s ever paid attention to you.”

She grimaced, making me quickly regret my words. I was about to apologize when she said with her voice breaking, “If that were true, Lucas, then I would be marrying you.”

I jerked back like she hit me. “Is that why you cut your hair? Because you don’t belong to me anymore?”

“He asked me to marry him and I said yes. I went to the salon the next day and hacked off all my hair. I donated it to cancer patients. It could be their happiness.”

I looked at the bright, blinding ring on her left hand. “Where was that rock last night?”

“I had it on, I just turned it over, so the diamond was on the inside of my hand.”

“Could he have gotten you a bigger rock? That’s not even you, Alex. You haven’t worn jewelry your entire life. You’re going to marry a man that doesn’t even know what kind of ring is you?”

She peered down at the diamond. “It’s a beautiful ring, Lucas.”

“It’s a trophy. You’re a prize to him. It’s also a cock blocker because only a very insecure man buys a woman that kind of a diamond.

She looked at me through her lashes. “Girls like diamonds.”

“Not you,” I simply stated not needing to add any more.

“He loves me and I love—”

“You love the idea of him. You love that it’s comfortable. You love that he’s always been there, like a sad fucking kitten that you fed one time and wouldn’t go away.” He stepped toward me and I immediately stepped back. Which made him stop and cock his head to the side. “Scared of me?”

“Of course not.”

“Then why won’t you let me touch you? Is it because you know everything I said was true? And the second I put my hands on you, you’ll know who you really belong to?”

“That’s not fair.”

“I never said life was fair.”

“I hate it every time you say that.”

“It doesn’t make it any less true, because if it were, you’d be the mother of my son and that ring on your finger would have been placed there by me.”

My chest rose and descended with each word that fell from his lips.

“Let me touch you, Alex. Let me prove to you that everything I say is true.”

He came at me but this time I expected it, so when my back hit the wall he instantly caged me in with his arms. His face mere inches away from mine, I felt him everywhere. All at once, his scent, his body, his eyes, his mouth, even though the only thing that touched me was his arms.

“Tell me to leave, Alex. Tell me to go. Tell me you don’t love me. Tell me that you don’t wish it were me that you went to bed with every night and woke up to every morning. Tell me that every time you hold my son you don’t envision him as being yours. Ours. Tell me you don’t want this and I swear I’ll leave you alone. I’ll let you marry Cole and live happily ever after. I swear to you on my son that I will walk out of here knowing that you’re no longer my brown eyed girl.”

“Lucas,” I warned in a voice I didn’t recognize.

“Call me what you really want to.” He placed his forehead on mine, bringing his arms closer to frame my face. “Call me Bo,” he groaned in a tone that made my stomach flutter and my body warm. His mouth so close to mine that I could feel him breathe on me. As if testing me he licked his lips, slowly, provoking me.

Proving to me that he was right.

I shut my eyes. I had to. The realization was too hard to admit and I knew he could see it in my eyes.

He knew me.

“Bo,” I panted, my breathing mimicking his. “Please…”

“Please what, baby?” he rasped as if he hung on by a thread. Waiting for me to say the magic words that would set both of us free.

Except not the way he hoped.

“I’m getting married. I’m engaged to another man. I came here today to close the door to us, not to open it again.”

It was like a bucket of cold water being poured down his body, he instantly backed away from me. I felt the loss of his warmth, his love, instantly. The damage was done, and the look on his face made me question what I had just done.

Was I making the right choice? I couldn’t hurt Cole. I loved him. Didn’t I?

I stepped toward him but now it was his turn to back away.

“Lucas…”

He sadly smiled. “I have no one to blame but myself. Maybe the better man did win and at the end of the day, as long as you’re happy that’s all that truly matters.”

I forced back the tears that wanted to escape. I would not cry. I was supposed to be happy. Cole makes me happy.

Then why do I feel like I’m dying?

“There’s nothing left to say. I wish you all the happiness in the world, Alexandra. You deserve it more than anyone I know. I will always, always, fucking love you. No one can take that away from me, not even you.”

I blinked away the tears. I couldn’t hold them in any longer.

“Congratulations.” He took one last look at me and left.

I turned around and looked at the hole in the wall.

It now mirrored my heart.

I never expected her to not invite me to her engagement party. I just never thought it would happen so fast. Six months went flying by.

I didn’t believe it until I saw it with my very own eyes.

How fucking stupid am I?

I saw my mother helping with the engagement party.

I saw the engagement invitation when I held it in my hands.

I saw the date.

I saw their names.

I saw them walking into her parent’s restaurant together, her in a white dress, firmly wrapped around him.

I saw it all.

It was only then I truly believed it. It was only then that it seemed real. After that everything took a turn for the worst. They say God doesn’t give you more than you could handle, they say when it rains it pours. They say everything happens in threes.

The cancer.

My son.

Alex getting engaged.

I thought that was the end, but it wasn’t. Every day after the engagement party my mom got worse, it had been four months. There was no mistaking it anymore. No wishful thinking or praying.

She was dying.

The doctors reaffirmed that she didn’t have more than a few more weeks to live, give or take. My dad called in a few favors and he had one of his alumni take over his patients. He closed his office for the time being. He said he wanted to spend every last second with his wife. My baby sister was beyond devastated. She had always been so positive and cheerful, making lemonade out of lemons and all that shit. To have her breakdown in my arms as we stood around hearing the doctors tell us that her fight was over, that they did everything they could do. All that was left was to make her as comfortable as possible from here on out. They informed us like they had done for a million other families before us, as if it had been rehearsed with no index cards, and they memorized every last word. Every last detail.

I stayed strong because everyone around me, including my father who I had never seen shed one tear before, broke down. The sounds of despair spilling from his mouth made me want to crumble just thinking about it. My mom held him in her arms, like she had done so many times for me as a child, expressing soothing words of comfort that were just a bunch of bullshit. Nothing would be okay after this.

Not. One. Damn. Thing.

I had yet to cry. I hadn’t let what I felt brewing deep inside surface. I couldn’t allow it to take over. If I did it wouldn’t stop. It would take me under and God knows when I would come up again, so I kept going. Concentrated on work, Mason, and my mom. Ignoring everything that collapsed around me.

My family.

My faith.

My love.

I became God’s personal entertainment. At least that’s how it felt.

“Mom,” I muttered, standing at her bedroom door. It became difficult to see her with her eyes closed and not imagine she was gone. She looked gone. No longer the woman who I recognized as my mother, all that was left was the sickness that was taking her away.

“Baby,” she murmured like it hurt for her to speak. The machines precisely placed around her only adding to the truth.

I sat on the edge of her bed and grabbed her hand. I don’t know what came over me, maybe it was the fact that I knew this would be one of the last times I would speak to her, maybe it was the fact that I knew I needed to say goodbye, or maybe it was just the fucking fact that I knew the end was near. I hunched over, laying my head on top of her still beating heart and bawled like a baby. I sobbed, over and over again. My chest ached and my throat burned. I hyperventilated, sucking in air that wasn’t available. She rubbed my back, never once trying to stop my crying or preventing my emotions from running wild.

“I don’t know how I’m going to live without you. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to go on. Please… please… God… don’t take her away from me,” I bellowed in the misery that lay beneath me.

“I will never leave you, Lucas. I will always be here for you. Just because you can’t see me, it doesn’t mean that I’m not here.”

“It’s not fair. It’s not fair that this is happening.” I wept for what seemed like hours. Time didn’t stand still. Every second that passed was less time I would have with her and that’s what killed me more than anything.

“Everything is going to be okay. I know it doesn’t seem like that now. I know it may not seem like that when I’m gone, but I promise you. I swear to you that everything will be okay.”

I sniffled, sitting up and she wiped away my tears.

“I love you. I loved you since the moment I found out I was pregnant with you. You lived inside me for nine months, Lucas, the bond that we share is unbreakable. I’ve heard your heartbeat from inside my body that can never be broken.”

I nodded because I couldn’t find the words to express how much I loved her.

She placed her hands on the sides of my face. “Listen to me because I will only be able to say it once. Your bond with Alex has so much strength.”

“Mom.” I tried to pull my face away, but she held me as firm as her weak hands could.

“Everything happens for a reason and I swear to you that me dying is for a greater purpose. Do you understand me?”

I nodded even though I didn’t.

“You have to be strong for your dad and for your sister. They’re not as strong as you. You have to be my big, Lucas.” She hadn’t called me that since I was a child and the sentiment almost had me breaking down yet again.

“Promise me that you can do that for me.”

“I promise.”

“Promise me that you will try not to mourn me and that you will go on with your life. That you will be happy because you know that I’m always with you.”

“I promise.”

“Promise me that you will accept any other woman that comes into your father's life.”

I shook my head no. “Don’t ask me that.”

She took a deep breath and said, “Maybe your father was meant to have two soul mates. I don’t want him to be alone. Please, Lucas, tell me that you will.”

“Okay. I will do it for you.”

“I am so proud of you and the man that you have become. I love you so much, so, so, much.”

“I love you, too.”

She pulled me in for a tight embrace. I hugged her for as long as I could. For every memory, for every promise, and for every new memory she would miss. When I drew away, she stared behind me, and it had me turning to follow her gaze.

Alex stood in the doorway with her arms over her chest, and a look of pure sorrow and grief on her face. Fresh tears pooled in her eyes. She looked so tiny, so delicate, and fragile. She reminded me of the little girl that she once was. Not the twenty-three-year-old woman she was today.

“I came as fast as I could. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come sooner.”

“Is Cole with you?” Mom asked, but something told me she already knew.

She shook her head. “He just opened a new firm and he couldn’t take time off, he wanted—” she wavered and I recognized that face immediately, which is exactly why she stopped in the first place.

She didn’t want me to realize…

That she was about to lie.

“It doesn’t matter, I’m here,” I firmly stated, desperately trying to maintain the best poker face I could. Neither one of us said a word as we passed each other by.

“I’ll leave you two alone.” He closed the door behind him and I stayed rooted where I stood. I was afraid I would break her. I couldn’t fathom seeing the woman in front of me, I had just seen her four months ago at my engagement party.

“Sit down, honey, you’re not going to hurt me.”

I did, placing my hands on top of hers.

“I’m so happy you’re here to say goodbye to me.”

“Please don’t say that,” I wallowed.

“It’s okay, Alex. I’m not scared of dying. I’m going to a better place with my loved ones that are waiting for me. It’s you and everyone else that I’m sad for. It’s the loved ones that get left behind that suffer.”

“I can’t believe this is happening.” My eyes pooled with fresh tears.

“So much has happened in these last few years, so many changes. When your mom told me she was pregnant with you, I cried. They had been trying to get pregnant since before I got pregnant with Lucas. Robert actually did the ultrasound to find out if you were a boy or a girl. Lucas sat patiently on my lap waiting, and you can imagine how hard that must have been for him, the boy never sits still.”

I affectionately smiled, loving the story she shared with me.

“When Robert read the ultrasound, he swore you were a boy, so we immediately started finding names for you. The moment we found out that you were a girl at the hospital, the very next day your mom and I started to plan yours and Lucas’s wedding. We planned out every detail. Even how many kids you were going to have. We spent hours upon hours planning your future together and we loved every second of it.”

My eyebrows lowered, confused and torn. “I don’t understand. You both have been so adamant on us not being together. Why are you telling me this now?”

“I made a mistake. We made a mistake. I regret very little in my life, I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to do everything I’ve ever wanted. Not letting you and Lucas decide what was right for you is definitely one of my biggest regrets. When you’re a mother, Alex, you will understand that you want what’s best for your children. You want them to see and experience everything they can. You think you know what’s best for them. It comes along with the title of being parents. But I don’t know everything, no one does. These last few years have been so hard for you, so hard for him, and I can’t help but feel responsible for that. We both do.”

“My mom does?”

“Yes. She’s wanted to have this talk with you and I thought it would be better coming from me. I’m not telling you that you shouldn’t get married, Alex. If you’re happy, if you truly love him then it doesn’t matter what I say. Your heart will speak for itself.”

“Yeah...” I bowed my head.

“But, I do need something from you.”

I immediately looked up. “Anything.”

“I need you to promise me that you will always be there for Lucas. I need you to promise me that you will always look after my boy. He’s not as strong as he pretends to be. Stubborn, yes.”

We laughed.

“Those boys, Alex, not just Lucas, they’re yours. Each one of them has gone their separate ways, and I also feel responsible for that. If we hadn’t come between you and Lucas—”

“No,” I stated, knowing what she was about to say.

She sadly smiled. “Whether you know this or not, Half-Pint, you’re the glue that’s always kept those boys together, you’re the bond that holds them, and we’ve known that ever since you were kids.”

Tears spilled down my face as I took in her words. They meant everything to me, every last one of them. “My good ol’ boys.”

She looked at me with such love and adoration in her eyes and even though she was sick, even though she was dying. I wanted to remember her just this way. “I love you, and I promise you that I will always look after him. Regardless of where we stand, he’s my best friend. Always and forever.”

“Thank you. I can die happy knowing that my boy is taken care of. That’s what every mother wants.”

She wiped away my tears and kissed my forehead. I sat with her for a while after she had said she needed to rest. I thought about everything she shared with me as I listened to her soft breathing, loving that she looked much more peaceful than she had when I first walked in. It didn’t take away the pain I felt in my heart knowing that this would be the last time I would get to be with her. I tried like hell to keep that inside, but I couldn’t. I lay down beside her and softly cried.

For her.

For Lucas.

For a past we couldn’t change, and for a future I didn’t know was meant…

For me.

My mom passed away five days later, but not before she had time with each of us. Jacob, Dylan, their parents and Lily. Austin was the only one she didn’t get to say goodbye to. I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t hate him more because of it. The days that followed were filled with people coming in and out of my home. It was the home I grew up in, which now seemed empty and cold. There were endless amounts of condolences and preparations for a day that I just wanted to be over already.

The hours seemed to blend together. I had no idea what day it even was. I continued to be in a fog, a daze and stupefied beyond belief. I hadn’t allowed myself to stop moving, I was afraid to. If I stopped moving, I would crash. I couldn’t acknowledge anything, not the house that I grew up in, not the memories everywhere I turned. I moved around in autopilot, trying to avoid flashbacks of anything that I held dear to my heart. I just needed to get through today. My only concern was my baby sister Lily. The day our mother passed, I held her until she couldn’t cry anymore, until she physically passed out from the exhaustion of her tears.

The first time Mason came running into their house yelling for Gama I almost lost my shit. I tried explaining to him that Gama was in the sky. She was in heaven with the angels. He didn’t hear a word I said, and still asked for her every time he was in their house. We decided it was best that he didn’t attend the wake or the funeral, so Stacey left him with her mom, while she attended. She hadn’t said much to me, only that she was glad Alex was here.

I stood in front of the mirror and tightened my tie, studying my face, searching for something, anything. There was nothing. I was so empty, yet the pain was unbearable.

“You look handsome.”

I saw Alex’s reflection through the mirror, and I turned around.

“You never knew how to tie your tie, Lucas,” she chuckled, straightening my tie. Her hand rested on my chest as she smiled up at me. “You doing okay?” she asked, adding to what seemed like the hundredth time someone asked me. It took everything in me not to throw myself on the floor, curl up into a fetal position and never come out.

I nodded because what else could I say or do?

“I’m here. I’ll be here for—”

“Alexandra,” Cole called out from the door. “There you are, I’ve been looking for you all morning.”

She spun to face him. “You would know where I was if you had been here earlier,” she snapped.

I was surprised by her choice of words and reaction, but I had way too much shit on my mind to contemplate it any more than that.

“I got here as fast as I could.” He kissed her forehead, looking at me. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Lucas. If there is anything we can do, please let us know.”

I nodded, noting he said, “We.” He no longer had to prove anything to me. The proof was on her finger.

“Thanks,” was all I could say.

“Are you ready, Darlin’? My cars out front.”

“I’m going to ride with my parents and his dad.”

“And, Lucas?”

“Yes. We’re all going together to the funeral.”

“I thought—”

“Like I said, you would have known had you arrived before this morning. She died five days ago. You remember I was the one bawling on the other end of the phone. You do remember, don’t you?”

His face frowned in a grimace that didn’t seem natural. “I’ll ride with you guys.”

“There’s no room in the SUV, Cole. I didn’t know you were coming till this morning. Remember you told me you didn’t think you could make it? Something about your firm, you do remember, don’t you?” she repeated with the same hard edge in her tone.

They stared at each other for a few moments. Both of them had something in their eyes that seemed familiar yet unrecognizable. Her mom called out our names and I didn’t give it another thought after that. Alex sat beside me in the SUV. We were in the second vehicle behind the hearse that held my mom. I blankly stared at it the entire drive, only looking down at my hand when Alex reached for it and placed it on her lap.

At the church, I couldn’t make myself walk to the front of that morbid room to see her. I tried. I tried like hell. I really did. I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to remember her lying lifeless in a coffin.

I couldn’t fucking handle that.

I stayed standing in the back with Alex by my side. She was with me the entire day. I don’t know where Cole was and honestly I didn’t give a fuck anyway. Lily sang and played This Little Light Of Mine at the cemetery, a song that our mom had been singing to us since we were kids. I felt a lonely tear slide down my cheek as I watched the silver coffin being lowered beneath the ground. I let my mind contemplate what was happening.

I let my mind and body go to a dark place within myself.

Where my mother wasn’t there.

Where Alex wasn’t there.

When the funeral was over everyone once again expressed their condolences and I pretended to give a fuck about what they were saying even though I didn’t. I was over it. Just as I was about to walk away someone caught my attention from the corner of my eyes.

Austin.

One single rose was delicately placed on her grave. His shoulders were hunched over, and his hands were buried in his face. I had no idea how long the theatrics lasted, maybe a minute, maybe ten. One minute was the same as the next these days. They all blew. Every last fucking one of them blew. There was a girl standing beside him unlike anyone I had ever seen before, wearing a black knee length skirt with a matching black collared shirt. The sleeves were rolled up and I could see tattoos down her forearms. Her hair was a dark shade of purple and from what I could tell her eyebrow, nose, and bottom lip were pierced.

Who the fuck was that?

Austin stood and we locked eyes. He was covered in tattoos. He looked older, taller, and much more broad than I remembered. No longer the boy he was when he left. I hadn’t seen him in five years, I barely recognized the man standing in front of me. Alex walked up to him and he eagerly pulled her into a tight hug, picking her up off her feet to swing her side-to-side. When he placed her back down on the ground, she shook hands with the chick beside him. Alex looked so tiny in comparison to her, but it could have been the fact that the girl wore sky-high heels, while Alex was in sandals. They walked toward me together, only stopping once they were a few feet away.

“Hey, man, I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner. I’m sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye,” Austin sympathized, but I couldn’t tell if he said it for my benefit or his.

I nodded to keep from saying what I really wanted to.

“She was an amazing woman and a mother to us all, Lucas. I loved her very much and I will miss her every day.”

“You loved her so much that you’re just now showing up,” I snapped, making him wince.

Alex didn’t scold me. I guess since it was my mom’s funeral I was allowed a fucking hall pass.

“This is Briggs, Briggs, this is Lucas,” Austin introduced, placing his hand on her lower back.

“I’ve heard so much about you,” she greeted, smiling. The barbell in her mouth reflected off the sun. I guess her tongue was pierced, too. I wanted to say I hadn’t heard a damn thing about you, but this wasn’t the time or the place. Plus it wasn’t her fault that Austin decided to go MIA.

We met with the rest of the boys back at Alex’s parents’ restaurant where everyone had gone after since my mom made my dad promise that he would throw a party after the funeral.

She wanted everyone to celebrate her life, not mourn her death.

I stood on the beach with my hands in my slacks, staring at the sunset descending for the night to take over.

Tomorrow would be a new day.

Another day without my mom.

Another day without my brown-eyed girl.

“God, when was the last time we were all together like this?” Alex asked pulling me away from my thoughts and making me turn around to face her.

“Five years,” Austin answered, walking up behind her. Dylan and Jacob quickly followed. We all stood together, each one of us with our own demons plaguing us.

“It’s been too fucking long,” Jacob chimed in, tugging Alex to his side.

“Jesus… look at those kids surfing. It seems like just yesterday that was us out there,” Dylan reminisced, looking at the water with a sense of longing. “How have we let five years go by without all of us being together? We used to spend every second together.”

“I know,” Alex breathed out. “I can’t tell you how much I miss you boys. God… Austin, it’s so good to freaking see you.” She strolled from Jacob to him, wrapping her arms around his waist.

He kissed the top of her head. “It’s nice to be home.”

“How are you holding up?” Jacob questioned.

I shrugged. I didn’t have anything to say. Not anymore.

“If you need anything we’re here,” he added.

“I’m going to head out.”

“Do you—”

“I want to be alone,” I interrupted Alex, turning to leave before I could see the worried response on her face that I knew would be there.

We watched him walk down the beach. His slacks were rolled up to his calves with his shoes and socks in his hands. I knew where he was going and it took everything inside me not to follow him.

“How’s he really holding up?” Austin asked, holding me tighter like he knew I needed it.

“I don’t know.”

“Don’t worry about it, Half-Pint, he’ll come around.”

Jacob and Dylan headed back inside a few minutes later and I sat with Austin, admiring the ocean. The waves were calm today and it surprised me, they usually weren’t this time of year.

“Aren’t you going to yell at me?”

I shook my head. “I think you’re too old to be yelled at.”

He chuckled. “Never stopped you before.”

“Where have you been?”

“Everywhere. You name it, I’ve been there.”

“How?”

“Working meaningless jobs, but I’ve seen the world, Alex. I’ve seen it at it’s best and I’ve seen it at it’s worst. I’ve met some amazing people and some really fucking shitty ones. I didn’t know, I had no idea she was that sick. My parents told me a while back that she had gotten cancer. I was going to call Lucas, but what would that really have changed? Our friendship died the day I almost killed you.”

I winced at his words. I hated that he still felt the wounds that had healed on his body years ago.

“I sometimes check the Oak Island news online. It’s random that I came across it. I hadn’t checked it in over a year and a half. I woke up that morning with an uneasy feeling. I tried to ignore it but it wouldn’t go away. I went online and there it was, front page and everything. Dr. Ryder’s wife… yada… yada… yada… it took her dying for me to come home.”

Everything happens for a reason.

“Are you staying?”

“For a while.”

“Who’s the girl?”

He adoringly smiled. “That’s Briggs. I met her in New York about a year and a half ago.”

“She seems… hardcore.”

He laughed. “Her bark is worse than her bite.”

“You love her?”

“She’s hard not to love.”

“She trouble?”

“You have no fucking idea.”

“Alexandra!” Cole shouted from the deck.

“I better go.” I stood, brushing off the sand.

“Don’t run away, Half-Pint. I’ve been doing it for five years and there really is no place like home,” he stated out of nowhere.

“Austin…”

“That ring on your finger weighs more than you do.”

I eyed it, knowingly.

“Do you love him?”

I nodded because I couldn’t say it. Why couldn’t I say it?

“What about Lucas?”

“Austin,” I repeated.

“You know what I’ve learned these last few years? I’ve learned that you can’t live your life for everyone else. You can’t pretend to be something you’re not. It doesn’t matter if no one understands it, at the end of the day if you’re happy then to hell with everyone else. I lived my life for the boys, for you, for my parents. I was never really happy, Alex. I thought I was but deep inside I knew… it’s why I left. I traveled around the world to find myself and I ended up back where it all began. All I feel is content. Happiness even.” He shook his head, grinning. “I know where your happiness is and I know you do, too.”