Текст книги "Complicate Me"
Автор книги: M. Robinson
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Текущая страница: 18 (всего у книги 22 страниц)
“I know that. But she’s like a mom to me,” I breathed out. “I can’t imagine life without her. I don’t ever want to imagine it.”
“She’ll be okay. You just have to have faith.”
“I am. I’m trying.”
“It’s okay for you to be happy. I hate to say this because you know I’ve always been team Lucas, but Cole he’s a good guy. It's obvious he loves you. I think a part of you loves him, too. You have to move on, Lucas has.”
My mind processed what she said to me, knowing she was right. “He is a good guy and I do love him, Aubrey. I just don’t know if I'm in love with him yet.”
“Well, you’re never going to find out if you don’t try to see what’s there. You've kept him in the friend box and maybe it’s time for you to take him out of there. I mean you lost your virginity to him. That’s got to mean something.”
Before I could answer, Cole walked back into the living room clapping his hands loudly, making Aubrey and I jump from the sound.
“I am ready to conquer Physics. Who’s with me?”
We both looked at him like he was crazy.
“All right,” he stated with a serious face. “Nobody.”
We spent the rest of the night laughing, studying and eating entirely too much pizza. Cole crashed on our couch, and for the first time I almost told him to come sleep in my bed.
With me.
The boys were coming in a few days to visit me in California over spring break. I bought a few air mattresses after I asked Aubrey if it was okay that they stayed with us. She said it didn’t bother her and that it was fine. Dylan said the same.
I didn’t understand either of them, after this trip I would understand them even less.
“Are you going to help me clean up or you just going to sit there and play Xbox?” I asked Cole who hadn’t moved from the couch.
“I knew I shouldn’t have let you bring that thing over here.”
“Darlin’, the guys are coming and you will be very grateful when they’re not bored out of their minds because they don’t have shit to do. Trust me, they don’t want to watch your Pretty Little Liars and Vampire Diaries.”
I shook my head. “That’s definitely not me, that’s Aubrey. I hate it as much as you do. Modern Family and Family Guy are more my style.”
“And that’s why I love you, Darlin’,” he stated as he enthusiastically moved about the couch shooting people.
He said it all the time now, like him telling me he was in love with me on the beach opened the door for him to say I love you whenever he wanted. I would be lying if I said it didn’t warm my heart every time I heard that sentiment coming from his lips. I had been giving us a lot of thought since Aubrey and I talked, but I just hadn’t worked up the courage to say what I wanted to yet.
“What are you stewing about over there?”
“How do you know I’m stewing?”
“Because you’re playing with the seam of the pillow and you only do that shit when you’re nervous.”
I smiled, laughing to myself. He wasn’t even looking at me and he still knew what I did, which helped ease the anxiety I felt about having this conversation with him.
“We need to talk.”
“Four words every man loves to hear.”
“Cole…”
“Okay.” He clicked save on the game and put the controller on the coffee table, turning to face me.
I moved from the armchair to the couch, sitting beside him with my legs tucked under me.
“What’s up?”
I took a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking.”
“About?”
“Us.”
He grinned, his dimples protruding profusely. “What about us?”
“I think that maybe we could hang out and stuff.”
“We do that all the time.”
“I mean… in other ways of hanging out. Like dates and stuff.”
He chuckled, beaming. “Are you asking me out, Darlin’?”
“Cole,” I whined, embarrassed and hiding my face in my hands.
He laughed again but this time it was much bigger and huskier. “Stop,” he ordered, pulling my hands down but not letting go of them. “Tell me.”
“I just did.”
“Why you being so shy?”
“I don’t know. Girls aren’t supposed to ask guys out, Cole.”
“Ah. Well then, let me rectify that. Alexandra, would you do me the honor of going out on a date with me?”
I smirked.
“And then letting me come back to your apartment to make out with you on your couch?” he added.
I giggled, “Maybe.”
“Maybe, huh? God, Darlin’, I had no idea you’d move so fast. I don’t know if I’m ready for this.”
“In all seriousness, I want to start fresh. I know that may be hard for you to understand, especially because we’ve already been intimate, but it’s what I need. I don’t want to talk about the past, I want to date and see where this goes. Can you do that?”
He thought about it for a few seconds before responding with, “Can we talk about it now? Then never speak of it again?”
I nodded. I owed him that.
“That night, it meant everything to me, and it still does. I know it didn’t happen under the best circumstances and a part of me feels shitty about taking advantage of you. I wish I could tell you I was sorry, but I’m not. Not even a little, I’m not going to lie to you, Darlin’. I’ve dated and I’ve been with other girls, but it’s never been anything serious. It’s always been you.”
I swallowed the saliva that pooled in my mouth, my heart bursting with the devotion and adoration he always had for me.
“I love you. I’m in love with you. I’ve known that since the first time you basically told me to eat shit.”
I laughed and he smiled. “But I’m not stupid, I know you’re doing this, moving on because of Lucas.”
I bowed my head and he placed his index finger under my chin and brought my gaze back up to him.
“And I don’t care. I’ll take you any way I can, even if I know I’m the second choice. It’s his loss and my gain.”
“I do love you, Cole, and that’s why I want to see where this can go.”
“I want to kiss you so fucking bad right now,” he groaned.
I didn’t give it any thought. I leaned forward and kissed him.
His lips were soft and smooth. When his tongue beckoned my mouth to open for him, I did, feeling the silkiness of Cole. Only Cole. Our kiss became heady and intoxicating. I felt him everywhere, even though he wasn’t touching me and it left me craving more. I never had that feeling with anyone but Lucas, and for the first time it didn’t scare me.
I didn’t want to push him away. I didn’t feel bad. I didn’t need to stop.
As our connection deepened, I realized for the first time there was love outside of Lucas, and I was ready to experience that.
With Cole.
It was spring break and I knew the boys were in California with Alex. I hated that I wasn’t there with them. The jealously that radiated inside of me was enough to make me go crazy. I busied myself with helping my mom and Stacey. Getting ready for my son that was due in a few short weeks, my life it didn’t seem real. It was like I lived in someone else’s life or something, barely recognizing myself in the mirror anymore.
I rented a condo near my parents that overlooked the water. I started working for this construction company that had been established since before I was born, my dad knew the owner. I had a little less than a year before I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in engineering. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with it. I figured construction was a good place to start.
“Hello!” Mom announced from my front door.
“I’m in here,” I yelled out, hearing her footsteps on the wood floor.
“Wow! Look at this,” she said, walking around the baby room. “You’ve gotten a lot done.”
I stood, looking around with her. “I don’t have anything better to do and he’ll be here soon.”
“I really love these colors, Lucas, the brown with the soft blue.”
I had painted the walls a light blue color and with her help I purchased the dark brown furniture. For someone so small he sure needed a lot of stuff. The baby shower helped Stacey get a lot of things and since my mom had helped her put it together, most people knew our situation and bought double of everything. I was fortunate that there wasn’t much more I needed to buy.
I didn’t have the heart to send Alex an invitation. I told my mom that, which she understood. It didn’t stop Alex from sending a gift, she must have found out from the boys or her parents. The card read to Lucas from Alex, that’s it, but when I opened the present it nearly tore me apart. There was a mobile with surfboards, a replica of the board I owned and had been using since I was a kid. She must have had it custom made, along with a onesie inscribed Baby Bo and a shark tooth teething ring. I knew it wasn’t malicious, that’s not Half-Pint. She was trying to give my son some of our fondest memories. She wanted him to have a part of us and I couldn’t have loved her more for it if I tried.
My mom skimmed the mobile with her fingers. “This was really thoughtful of her. She put a lot of effort and care into this.”
“I know what you’re doing,” I stated.
“And what’s that?”
“You’re trying to imply that she’s thinking about me. That she wouldn’t have put that much thought into a gift if she wasn’t.”
She shrugged. “You said it, not me.”
“You know, I don’t get you. For years you tell me that we can’t be together, then you think something like that. You’re contradicting, Mother.”
She sadly smiled and I immediately felt bad. “That’s not what I tried to do, at least not intentionally. I’m sick, Lucas. I’m really sick.” The scarf around her bald head proved it. “You learn to look at things differently when something so life changing happens to you. I’ve made some mistakes and for that I’m sorry.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that shit happens and when it rains it pours. I know you’re at a crossroad in your life right now, but that doesn’t change the years of memories and love you two have between you. No one can take that away. Not Stacey. Not your son. Not the boys. Not Cole. And especially not me.” She stepped out in front of me and placed her hand over my heart. “It’s here,” and with that gesture she kissed my forehead and left.
I pulled out her necklace from under my shirt. My mom was right.
Except that’s all they were now…
Memories.
“So you and Cole, huh?” Austin asked with big dilated eyes.
We were at Cole’s fraternity party. Dylan was with some random chick, completely ignoring Aubrey like a complete dick. He barely said three words to her the entire time they were here and they were leaving tomorrow. As much as she tried to cover it up, I could tell it bothered her. Every time we went out a new girl was hung around his neck. He wasn’t very nice to them, and it blew my mind that they still fawned over him as much as they did.
Girls are weird.
Jacob was on his phone a lot, constantly texting someone. Stepping out of the room to answer his calls and not coming back inside for a while. I assumed he was with someone, but I couldn’t understand why he was so secretive about it. Then again he was still flirting and who knows what else he did with those girls while he was here. So if he was with someone then it wasn’t that serious. I tried to ask him one night but he blew me off by changing the subject.
No one had mentioned Lucas. Not one thing. Not one time. I guess we established a new policy, don’t ask and don’t tell.
Austin, well Austin was just a hot mess. Drinking every day. Partying every night. Most nights he didn’t come back to my apartment with us. Granted Dylan and Jacob hadn’t either but that was only for a night or two.
“What are you on, Austin?” I sat on the hood of my car with him in front of me.
“Just weed, Half-Pint, relax. You sound as bad as the guys.”
“I’m worried about you,” I coaxed.
“Don’t be, I’m fine. Now, you and Cole? You fucking him?”
I gasped. “Jesus, Austin.”
He rolled his eyes. “Oh come on, Alex, we’re not kids anymore. I know you get… wet,” he crudely baited.
I jumped off my car, walking away from him.
He grabbed my arm a little too hard. “Oh my God, stop! I’m joking. Calm down.”
“Let go of my arm.”
He did.
“You’re lying. What are you on?”
“Ecstasy.”
“Why?”
“Why not, Alex! You only live once. Might as well fucking make it count, right?”
“Austin,” I murmured, trying to reach for him.
“No! Don’t look at me like that. I’m having fun.”
I disappointingly eyed him.
“Fuck it. I’m out of here.”
“Austin,” I shouted after him, but he didn’t listen. He was gone.
When I told the boys later that night they said they weren’t surprised and they’ve tried to talk to him a few times, but he doesn’t care. We had to let him find his own way, as much as I hated it.
“It is what it is,” Jacob said, again the next morning while we were sitting on my back porch after I tried to talk to him about it. I once tried to talk to him about it. I didn’t understand why they weren’t as worried as I was. I guess they just thought it was normal guy stuff, but it didn’t feel that way to me, and it would take years for everyone to realize I was right.
“Did you check out what room Dylan came out of this morning?” I questioned with a wide-smile, wanting to lighten the mood.
“No?” he replied with an arched eyebrow and a grin.
I fervently nodded.
“What? They’ve barely said two words to each other.”
I shrugged. “I know. But he definitely slept in her room last night.”
“Dylan and Aubrey? You think they...?”
“I don’t know, Aubrey’s kinda loud.”
He busted out laughing.
“Thin walls.” I signaled around me with my finger.
“What about you, Half-Pint? You been loud?”
“No!”
“Good. Fucking keep it that way,” he ordered with a stern face.
I rolled my eyes and shook my head.
“Cole and you, huh? Don’t look so surprised. I saw the subtle looks you gave each other and how he grabs your hand when he thinks no one is looking. I may have seen him lay one on you a few times when he thought you were alone.”
I blushed.
“It’s okay, I like him. He’s good to you and that’s all we’ve ever wanted.”
“I know.”
“Are you happy?” he quickly followed.
“Given the circumstances. You know Lucas’s mom, Lucas…”
“You look happy,” he sidestepped my statement. “The rest will fall into place on it’s own.”
“What about you?”
“What about me?”
“Who’s the girl?”
He grimaced. It was fast, but I saw it.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Ohhh,” I sat up on my feet in anticipation. “You like someone and you like them a lot! If you didn’t you would tell me! Oh my God, I’m so excited! Who is it? Do I know her?”
“Half-Pint,” he warned.
“Oh, come on, tell me! I won’t tell anyone I swear. Please,” I begged, pouting with my hands in a prayer gesture.
“It’s not like that.”
“Ahhh! You love her!”
“Jesus Christ, what the fuck?”
“You do!”
“Alex, you’re letting your mind run wild. I’m not with anyone.”
“Lies.”
“I don’t love anybody.”
“Lies.”
“I’m single.”
“Lies.”
“There’s no girl.”
“Lies.”
“Stop,” he demanded, standing up.
I beamed. “Fine. I’m going to find out eventually and when I do, I’m going to have to approve. I don’t want some skanky girl like the ones you’re used to dating. The ones you bring around all the time. I can’t even have a conversation with them because they’re so dumb. That’s not fun,” I stated.
He ignored me and walked into the house, proving that I was right.
I would learn soon enough how right I was.
“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Mason, happy birthday to you!” everyone sang and he excitedly clapped his chubby little hands together with a great big smile on his face.
It was his 1st birthday party. I couldn’t miss it, even though I was barely on speaking terms with his father. Mason looked exactly like Lucas, there was no resemblance to his mother at all, thank God for small miracles. I hadn't seen Mason much, maybe just a few times over the last year when I came to visit. Lucas’s mom had sent me a few pictures of him in his Halloween costume and his first Christmas outfit, I never asked her to, but I didn’t tell her to stop either. I had seen Lucas maybe a handful of times and we had spoken less than that, it was easier that way. Little by little it started to hurt less and less.
Cole and I were still together. We pretty much never left each other’s side. I stayed at his apartment most nights or he stayed at mine. I was happy. I didn’t think that would ever be possible without Lucas. I guess in some ways I grew up into Alexandra, leaving Half-Pint behind me.
Though we both did.
Lucas wasn’t Bo anymore. I didn’t recognize the man before me. He would be turning twenty-three soon, but he appeared much older, I guess fatherhood will do that to you. He loved and adored his son. I didn’t have to be around him long to see it, everyone could. When he wasn’t with him, the boys said he spent most of his time working, getting his new business off the ground. He opened a construction company that served residential and commercial construction. He hired a few employees but still got his hands dirty. It didn’t surprise me, since he was always building something when we were kids. His Legos went on for miles with landscaping, backyards, and driveways. His mom was constantly buying him more so that he could build onto it.
Stacey looked older, too, more mature and grown up. I tried not to pay too much attention to her but I couldn’t help myself, it looked like she was a great mom and maybe in some ways this had been a blessing in disguise for her. My mom told me that they did an amazing job at co-parenting, it wasn’t like that for the first few months but over time they got the swing of things. Mason seemed like a really happy baby and in the end that’s all that truly mattered.
Austin dropped out of college a few months after they came to visit me. No one had spoken to him or seen him. I would get postcards every so often with different postage stamps from all over the world. It gave me piece of mind knowing he was okay for the most part. His parents were devastated at first, but we all knew something changed in him after the accident, in ways that no one knew or understood. There wasn’t anything left but to hope for the best and pray that he would eventually make his way back home.
Dylan started at the police academy. He wanted to do Special Ops, which wasn’t a surprise to anyone. The boy had always been a loose cannon. It fit his personality to a T. He had to cut his hair and I knew that pissed him off more than anything. Aubrey started dating some guy named Jeremy. I hated him, he was an asshole and he wasn’t very nice to her. We still shared an apartment and he was one of the reasons I spent most of my time at Cole’s. I was in my junior year of college and this was her and Cole’s senior year.
She started interning at a fashion company called Trendsetters and loved it. I think she was just lonely and Jeremy filled that void for her, the older we got the more reclusive and withdrawn she became. I didn’t know what changed. I tried to talk to her about Jeremy, but she shut me down saying that not everyone ends up with their prince charming. After that, I minded my own business.
Jacob was in law school, which again, didn’t surprise me. He loved to argue and always thought he was right. Cole was in the same boat as Jacob, he would be attending law school once the year was over, following in his parent’s footsteps, who, by the way, hated me. I was a small town girl in their eyes and their son deserved better. I overheard his mother talking about me on the phone one night when we were over for dinner reaffirming my belief.
Cole reassured me that they wouldn’t have liked any girl he was with. They were pretentious and he didn’t care what they thought, he loved me. Truth was it still bothered me. I majored in business with a minor in finance. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and I figured with those degrees I could do anything.
Lucas’s mom was still sick but fighting. Every time I saw her she looked worse than the last time though the smile never left her face. I knew she didn’t do that for anyone’s benefit other than her own. That’s just the type of person she was.
“Would you like to hold him, Alex?” Stacey asked, catching me completely off guard. The surprised look on my face must have been evident because she added, “You’ve been staring at him all day. It’s okay if you want to hold him, I think he’d like that.”
This was the most Stacey had ever said to me. I nodded in reply. I couldn’t find the right words to express how much I really wanted to hold him without it sounding like the overwhelming confusion I felt. I guess we had all grown up, including Stacey. Her gesture floored me, realizing she had turned into a mature woman who put others before herself, finally.
I never thought that would ever happen.
“He looks so much like Lucas, right?”
I nodded again, hugging Mason to my body as he laid his head on my shoulder. I couldn’t help it. I placed my nose in his hair and inhaled his baby scent.
“It’s not fair that I carried him for nine months and he comes out looking like Lucas.” She rubbed his head. “He likes you. He’s usually skittish around new people.” She softly smiled. “Maybe he can sense your bond with Lucas.”
I took in her words and looked down at him, taking in the feel of him lying across my chest. It didn’t hurt like I always assumed it would, which is why I kept my distance from him to begin with.
I loved him instantly.
“If you want to see him again, all you have to do is ask. I mean you can stop by whenever, too, when you’re in town. To be honest, it would be nice to have the company. I don’t have many friends, especially after having him,” she chuckled. “He takes up all my time, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.” She lovingly smiled at him and then at me.
It helped to ease my confusion. “Umm, yeah, I would actually love that. I mean if it’s okay.”
“Of course. It’s good to see you, Alex. I mean Cole always seemed like a nice guy, I’m happy for you.”
It was that exact moment that I locked eyes with Lucas from across the room. “He is,” I simply stated, rocking Mason in my arms with Lucas looking intently at me. The expression on his face was enough to have me weak in the knees. I knew what he thought. He didn’t have to tell me. His demeanor screamed it at me from the distance between us, and the realization of that was also written clear across his face.
“Would you like to put him down for his nap? He’s exhausted.”
I glanced at her. “I’d love to.”
“Okay, great. You can lay him down in Lucas’s old room, his pack and play is in there.”
“Okay.”
When I looked back toward Lucas, he was gone. I quickly peered around the room, but he was nowhere to be found. Stacey kissed Mason’s head before I took him upstairs to Lucas’s room. I didn’t think about either of them, I just wanted to enjoy baby Bo.
“You see this room, Mase? This room is where your daddy and I used to hang out. It holds so many memories, maybe one day I could tell you about them,” I murmured to his sleeping body that I didn’t want to take out of my arms.
“I hope you do. Either way I’ll tell him. Who knows he might have a brown eyed girl of his own one day.”
I turned to face him when I heard his voice. He leaned against the doorframe, one leg over the other with his arms crossed over his chest.
“Like father like son, huh?” I grinned.
“One can hope.”
“You look good, Lucas. The facial hair suits you. You got this whole pirate thing going on.”
“You look beautiful,” he voiced with a sincere look of longing in his eyes. He didn’t even try to hide it.
“Thanks. I’ll be twenty-one soon, I’m getting old,” I replied, wanting to lighten the mood. “Do you want to put him down?”
He shook his head. “I’m enjoying watching you hold him too much.”
I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything.
“How’s Cole?” he asked in a way to remind himself that I wasn’t his anymore.
“He’s great. He would have loved to be here, but he had to stay behind in California, his LSAT’s are coming up. He wants to get into Berkley.”
“And you?”
I shrugged. “I’m not quite sure yet.”
“Are you planning on staying on the West Coast?”
“I think so. I mean we haven’t really talked about the future yet, you know? I guess we will just play it by ear.”
“How serious are you guys?”
“Wow, what is this twenty questions?” I breathed out nervously. “How are you? Lily says your business is taking off.”
He nodded, but that’s all.
“You seeing anyone?”
He shook his head no.
“Well, you know you still have lots of time for that. Women love men and babies so—”
“I have no interest in that, I lost my girl a long time ago,” he finally spoke.
“Right…” I turned back to the pack and play. “Well, I’m going to put him down. I told Lily I would come hang out with her before I left. I need to head to my parents in a bit. My flight leaves tonight,” I rambled, gently laying Mason in the pack in play.
I was about to leave, but he stood in front of me, purposely leaving me no room to move around him.
“It was great seeing you.”
I instantly looked down at the ground, anxiously playing with the seam of my shirt. “You, too.”
“You look good, all grown up. I’ve always loved your hair long, I’m glad you haven’t cut it.”
I nodded, inhaling his intoxicating scent. Combined with Mason’s, it was enough to make my heart melt and my body warm that I had to shut my eyes. I hated that he still had this effect on me, and as if reading my mind he pulled me into a tight hug, causing me to freeze upon contact, leaving my arms at my sides.
“I’m sorry, Alex. I’m so sorry for everything I ever put you through. Everything I ever did. I have no excuses for it, but I need to apologize. There were so many times I thought about picking up the phone and calling you, or just showing up on your doorstep. I can’t take any of it back, though. I love my son. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I’m sorry I hurt you in the process, I can’t say that enough.” He kissed the top of my head like he had done thousands of times before.
A part of me had been waiting for this moment. I had wanted it, needed it even. Here I was with his arms around me and it didn’t make things any less complicated. My feelings toward him hadn’t changed. I was beginning to think they never would.
“I love you. I’ll always love you,” he murmured so low I could barely hear it.
“I know…” and I did. I pulled away from him but didn’t look him in the eyes as he stepped aside for me. I walked to the door but faltered even though everything in my body told me to flee.
“Everything happens for a reason, Bo,” I stated, walking out of the room, whispering, “I will always love you, too,” but not loud enough for him to hear.
I made my way to the bathroom, needing to splash some cold water on my face. I took a good look at myself in the mirror. I felt guilty about my lingering feelings toward Lucas. I thought with time they would go away, they hadn’t, but that didn’t take away my love for Cole.
Lucas was my past.
Cole was my future.
Plain and simple.
I took a deep breath, looking down the hall to make sure Lucas was gone before heading to Lily’s room. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I opened the door.
Lily and Jacob.
Jacob and Lily.
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
