Текст книги "My Butterfly"

Автор книги: Laura Miller

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Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 18 страниц)

“Yes,” I yelled, pumping my fist into the air.

The ladder rocked, and I quickly grabbed each side to steady it again. Then, I watched the volleyball roll to the opposite side of the gym before I flew down the ladder.

Once my feet hit the floor again, I jogged over to the volleyball and scooped it up. Sure enough, her name and number were still tattooed to the ball. I ran my fingers over the letters in her name.

“You lasted some years up there, ball,” I said, smiling to myself. “Don’t worry, though, we’re gonna finally get you home.”

Chapter Thirty-Three
New York

I put my arms through my grandpa’s old military jacket. His name and division were still etched on the tag inside. I had worn the jacket for every gig and show that I could tolerate its extra warmth under the bright lights. It made me feel as though I had a piece of him and a piece of home too, I guessed, everywhere I went.

I adjusted the jacket over my shoulders and arms while I stood in front of the tall mirror. The dressing room was nicer than any hotel I had ever stayed in. I was alone but only because Daniel, Matt and Chris were in the other room making a big stink about the food they had left us.

I started to fix the collar of my jacket but then stopped when I noticed the scar on my wrist. It had become a constant reminder of the night I had broken it. But what was funny about it was that I didn’t remember the fire or the fall or the trip to the emergency room anymore. Now, the only thing I remembered was waking up next to Julia in that little hospital bed. The scar had become something of a little souvenir of sorts from our last night together.

I felt my lips start to slowly turn up as my mind got stuck on Jules. I was pretty sure she didn’t know about the crazy events that had led up to this moment, unless Rachel had told her. And I guessed Rachel hadn’t because this seemed as if it would have been something Jules might have went out of her way to mention – unless she really had forgotten about us, like Rachel always joked she had.

I looked at my reflection again in the mirror and took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

I let a moment pass before I opened my eyes again. I would look for her out there – just like I had every time I had stepped onto a stage. Though, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t see her. I reached into my jacket and pulled out a small pin from its inside pocket. It was a guardian angel, her guardian angel. I ran my fingers over its metal surface. She promised she would come back someday, and I believed her.

“Hey, Will,” Matt said, as he poked his head into the room.

I turned and faced him.

“They’re calling us up,” he said.

“Okay,” I replied. “I’ll be right there.”

I turned around again and glanced one more time into the mirror and then at the angel in between my fingers.

“I feel like I can’t get to you fast enough,” I whispered under my breath.

Then, I slid the pin back into my pocket and pressed it against my heart.

* * *

“Good morning, New York City,” I yelled into the microphone.

Just then, a roar of screams echoed off the tall buildings that surrounded us. It was loud – louder than I had expected. And there was a row of people pressed up against the stage below us – girls, guys, kids.

I looked back at Chris and smiled.

He nodded his head once and smiled back.

“This is our first time in New York City,” I yelled into the microphone again.

The crowd screamed louder.

It seemed as if every time I said the words New York City, the volume of the place increased ten times. I waited for the cheers to die down a little, and then I continued.

“We’re just some small-town, Missouri firefighters who decided one day to start a little band, and we’re happy you invited us into your little town,” I finished.

I smiled then and lowered the mic as the crowd seemed to erupt. And within seconds, Matt started a count, and a melody came pouring through the speakers surrounding us. I readjusted the strap across my chest; my guitar was slung behind me. Then, I casually touched my heart, feeling for my guardian angel, before I gripped the mic with both hands and brought it to my mouth. And just before my first words pushed past my lips and out into the crowd, I thought about her.

Chapter Thirty-Four
Jessica

I had just gotten the last of the cords wound up and off the stage, and Daniel and Chris were taking what was left of the equipment to the truck. Matt had already taken off. His cousin was getting married in Springfield the next day, and he was driving through the night.

I stuffed the final cord into a plastic container and hoisted the container up into my arms when I heard my name. The voice was soft and kind of timid.

I turned, and through the dark with only glimpses of red and white stage lights, I made out a girl.

“Jessica,” I said.

I watched her shy face grow a smile.

“You’re back in Missouri,” she said.

I lowered my eyes as I felt a smile creeping to my face. It felt good to be home.

“Yeah, we got back earlier this week,” I said.

“Well, I was in the area, and I saw that you were playing, and I just thought I would stop by,” she said.

Just then, Daniel came in through the back door and stopped in between us. He looked at me and then at Jessica and then back at me again.

“Uh, I think we’ve got everything loaded,” he said. “Is this the last one?”

His eyes were planted on the plastic container still in my arms.

“Uh, yeah,” I said.

He grabbed the container.

“We’re going to go ahead and take off,” he said, looking back at Jessica and then at me. “You’ve got your car, right?”

“What?” I asked.

“Your car – to get home,” he said.

Daniel flashed me a cheesy grin.

“Oh, yeah,” I said, nodding my head.

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he said.

Then, he bobbed his head at me, smiled at Jessica and then hurried again toward the back door.

My eyes followed him until he disappeared.

“You guys are really good,” Jessica said.

I met Jessica’s gaze again.

“Thanks,” I said, smiling and tossing my eyes to the floor.

There was silence between us for a moment.

“Look, I know this place is closing, but I saw a diner at the end of the street,” she said. “Maybe we could catch up.”

I looked up and caught her soft stare.

“Uh, sure,” I said, nodding my head.

For some reason, I felt strangely awkward around her all of a sudden. She didn’t seem to be with Jeff. I wasn’t used to her showing up without him.

“Okay, well, let’s go this way,” I said, eyeing the back door.

She smiled and then walked toward the exit. I followed after her but then reached out and pulled the door open for her.

“So, this is how you avoid all of your adoring fans,” she exclaimed.

A coy smile was planted on her face.

I laughed.

“Of course, didn’t you see the ten people that were in there?” I asked. “It would have taken us at least two, whole minutes to get to the front door.”

Jessica’s smile widened. She seemed confident again – a little closer to how I had remembered her from that New Year’s Eve night years ago.

“You are crazy,” she said. “Will, I don’t know what you could see from where you were standing, but from where I was standing, the place was packed, and they were all loving it.”

My eyes darted to the ground again, as we rounded the outside of the bar and made our way to the sidewalk in front of it.

“So, what brought you to this side of town tonight?” I asked her.

She seemed to hesitate before she spoke.

“Oh, you know, stuff,” she said. “So, how have you been? It’s been awhile.”

I slowly nodded my head.

“It has,” I agreed. “I’ve been doing well. I took a leave of absence from the station. They were surprisingly pretty cool about it. We’re doing this tour thing now.”

She softly laughed, and I turned to examine her face.

“What?” I asked.

“It’s nothing,” she said. “I just…you’re such a big deal, and there’s a part of me that feels starstruck, but then there’s that other part of me that doesn’t even realize I’m talking to someone who was just on national television not too long ago.”

I caught an almost bashful-looking stare beaming from her face, and I smiled.

“The TV thing really wasn’t that big of a deal,” I said. “Honestly, I just wanted to get out of the dressing room before Chris broke one of the fancy decorations in there and we had to use our money we needed to get back home to pay for it. Really, though, it doesn’t feel any different.”

She laughed to herself.

“It’s just kind of surreal, I guess,” she said.

I felt my smile grow a little bit wider.

“I guess,” I admitted.

We reached the diner minutes later, and I opened the door for her again. Then, we found a small table in the back of the room and slid into it. A waitress, maybe in her sixties, sauntered over soon after, flipped open a pad of paper and grabbed a pen from behind her ear.

“What can I get ya, honey?”

She didn’t even bother looking up. Jessica smiled at me and then glanced at her menu.

“I’ll just have a cup of coffee,” she said.

The waitress’s pen didn’t move.

“What about you, hon?” she asked, turning her face slightly in my direction.

“I’ll just take some water,” I said, turning over the menu in my hand. “And maybe some of your cheese fries.”

The woman scribbled something onto her pad.

“Thanks,” I said, attempting to hand her the menu.

She gestured toward the end of the table where a stack of menus already sat and then sauntered off without another word.

I smiled to myself and then slid the menu behind the ketchup bottle. And when I looked back up, Jessica’s eyes were on me.

“This is a no-nonsense diner, Will,” she said.

“I see,” I said, chuckling.

“So, Jeff said you got a job in South County,” I said.

She nodded her head.

“I did,” she said. “Turns out, they were looking for nurses.”

“How do you like it?” I asked.

She smiled.

“I love it,” she said. “It took a little while getting used to the shifts, but now, I can’t imagine working a nine-to-five.”

“That’s good,” I said.

The waitress returned then with the coffee and water. She set the two onto the table and disappeared again.

“So, what’s Jeff doing tonight?” I asked. “Isn’t he usually bumming around with you if he’s not with me?”

She started to smile, but then it kind of faded.

“I don’t know,” she said and then stopped.

“Listen, Jessica,” I said. “I know he likes to talk, and most of the time, he doesn’t know when to stop, but he’s really a good guy.”

I watched a smile finally find its way to her lips.

“I know,” she said.

“Cheese fries,” the waitress said, sliding a platter of fries across the table.

“Thanks,” I said to the woman, who quickly vanished again without a word.

“Cheese fry?” I asked Jessica, giving her my best enticing face, while holding out a soggy fry covered in the yellow stuff.

She laughed.

“I’m fine,” she said.

I popped the soggy fry into my mouth.

“Will,” she said.

Her voice had changed, and it instantly got my attention. I met her eyes just before they left mine for a spot on the table’s surface in between us.

“I wasn’t just in the area,” she confessed, returning her eyes to mine. “I heard you were playing here, and I decided to come see you.”

She paused, but I didn’t say anything. She had gotten serious all of a sudden, and I was trying to figure out why.

I watched her take a breath and then let it out.

“I’ve been holding onto something for quite a long time now, and I just can’t hold onto it anymore,” she said.

I swallowed the fry and sat back in the booth.

“Remember New Year’s Eve years ago?” she asked. “The night you said that you weren’t ready for a relationship yet?”

I wished I didn’t, but unfortunately, I did remember it.

I nodded my head.

“Well, I didn’t understand until later,” she said. “I put the pieces together, and Jeff, without telling me outright, helped me fill in the holes along the way.”

She paused for a second.

“And I guess I’m just wondering if you’re ready yet,” she said.

Her eyes remained in mine. I shifted my weight in the booth and struggled to take a staggered breath and then to say something. But I had no words.

After a moment in my eyes, Jessica found the spot on the table in front of us again.

“It was Julia, wasn’t it?” she asked, so softly I almost didn’t hear her.

Her eyes turned up, and I met her gaze again.

“The girl on your dashboard and the girl from the party,” she said. “And she was the one at your ceremony and with you in the hospital that day – that was her, wasn’t it?”

I swallowed hard. All the things I thought she hadn’t seen, she had.

I lowered my head and then slowly nodded. Then, I heard her softly clearing her throat.

“It still is, isn’t it?” she asked.

I gradually looked up and met her eyes. Then, I nodded a second time.

“Do you think she’ll come back?” she asked.

I sat there motionless for a moment. That question always made my heart sink. Eventually, though, I shrugged my shoulders.

“I don’t know,” I said, shaking my head.

I watched a sad smile form on her lips.

“You must really love her,” she said.

I took a deep breath and then slowly nodded my head once again.

“I do,” I simply said.

* * *

I paid the bill and walked Jessica to her car a block over from the diner. I waited as she unlocked the door and slid behind the steering wheel. There were tears in her eyes. I hopelessly watched as she tried to wipe them away with the back of her hand.

This was all my fault. If I could go back and change that night and the days that led up to it, I would. I would do everything differently.

“I’m sorry, Jessica,” I said. “I never meant…”

She waved her hand and stopped me short.

“It was worth a shot,” she said, smiling up at me. “But I should have known that I couldn’t compete with her memory.”

She paused for a moment then before she spoke again. I could still see the tears in her eyes.

“Take care, Will,” she said.

I gently smiled. Then, I watched as she planted her eyes straight ahead and then pulled away.

The walk back to Lou was full of thoughts, but there was only one of those thoughts I just couldn’t shake.

Once I was back inside my truck, I let out a deep sigh and then stared into the steering wheel.

What was I doing?

I was waiting. I was waiting for Jules, on her own time, to realize that she still loved me. Damn, that sounds crazy. But, somehow, I truly believed that she still did, and that in time, she would realize it. Does that make me crazy?

If she could just set aside everything that came with life for just one moment, I believed that she would see what I see. If she could just hear the song – if I could just get the song to her ears – maybe she would stop and remember us. Maybe.

I broke my stare from the steering wheel and anxiously started searching for my phone in the pocket of my jeans. My heart was racing by the time my fingers touched its rounded edge. I quickly pulled it out and glanced at its screen. Then, I rested a finger on the second number. I held it there for long, drawn-out moments before I just simply couldn’t take it any longer, and I sent the phone dialing her digits.

Another second went by before I slowly brought the phone to my ear and took a deep breath and held it hostage inside my lungs. Then, when I heard the first ring, I allowed the breath to steadily escape past my lips. There was a second ring, and my heart sank lower. A third ring rattled through the phone, and my mind prepared for the message I would most likely have to leave. And after another ring, I heard a recording of her sweet voice pick up. Then, all too soon, I heard the screeching sound of the beep, and I froze. I didn’t know if a second had gone by or four or five when my eyes finally fell shut and my mouth opened.

“Julia, I love you,” I said into the phone.

Long moments ambled by before a woman’s voice poured through the speaker and asked me if I was satisfied with my message. I took a second and stared into the phone’s screen. Then, I pressed a number on its dial pad.

I heard the woman’s voice again: “If you would like to delete your message and rerecord, press three.”

My finger hovered over the keypad and then finally forced down a number.

“Your message has been deleted,” the woman’s voice said.

I threw the phone at the passenger’s seat and slammed my palm hard against the steering wheel. Then, I took a deep breath and tried to swallow years’ worth of regret. Knives stabbed at my chest, and I felt a warm liquid collecting behind my eyes as I collapsed onto the wheel. It had been so long, and now, I felt as if I were falling apart at the seams. What if she didn’t come back? What if she didn’t remember her promise? What if I had already lost her? I hated those thoughts, but in reality, none of them compared to the thought of losing her twice.

Chapter Thirty-Five
Even

I opened the screen door and let it swing back into its place behind me as I stepped into the tiny bar. There was music playing on an old juke box, as usual, and the place smelled of burgers and fried food – as usual.

“Hey, Annie,” I said, when I planted my feet at the bar.

“Oh, hey, Will.”

The round woman in her late fifties turned and glanced up at me.

“I’ve got your cheeseburger comin’ right up,” she said.

I smiled at the woman, then turned my attention to the rest of the bar. The room was dimly lit. It always was.

“Hey, man,” Ben called out from behind the bar. “You off tonight?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Is Rachel here? I saw her car outside.”

Ben’s eyes locked on mine.

“She’s not the only one here, buddy,” he said, so quietly I almost didn’t hear him over the music.

I followed his stare to the other side of the room. Then, I saw her. Her face was cast down. I didn’t know if she had seen me. I felt my heart jump, and I grabbed the edge of the bar top as my eyes wondered back to Ben.

“I’ll, uh…,” I said, not even bothering to finish my sentence, as I nodded and took my first step toward her.

Each step after that was like a small journey in itself. My feet were heavy. I couldn’t get to her fast or slow enough. I wanted time to think of what to say, but I also just wanted to get to her.

“Jules,” I said, right before I reached her.

Her name just fell off my tongue, absent of any real brain function, I was sure.

“What? When? How have ya been?” I asked.

I felt the words pile up in my mouth and then just stumble off my lips.

She stood up from the table, and I leaned in and then wrapped her up into my arms.

“I got in today,” she said.

I pulled away and held her shoulders in my palms. She was smiling. It seemed as if there were something behind her smile, but bottom line, she was smiling, and it made me smile too.

I pulled her close again and squeezed her body against mine for another several seconds. It was probably out of character, but damn it, I didn’t even know how to act normal around her anymore.

I spotted Rachel out of the corner of my eye and then slowly released Julia.

“Hey, Rach. How are ya?” I asked, turning my attention to Rachel for a few seconds.

“Good, Will,” she said. “Doing well. Jon says ‘hi,’ by the way.”

“Where’s he tonight?” I asked her.

“Hunting trip,” she said. “Canada. Needless to say, I sat that one out.”

Her eyebrows arched to the ceiling of the tiny bar, and then, a sound from the juke box made me stop. I met Julia’s eyes again. They were already smiling.

“You want to dance…for old times’ sake?” I asked.

I watched her glance back at Rachel.

Rachel found her stare and then found Ben on the other side of the room.

“Ben, get your two, left feet over here and ask me to dance,” Rachel shouted.

Ben looked up from the juke box and smiled in Rachel’s direction.

“You two, go ahead and catch up,” Rachel said, gesturing toward the small dance floor.

Julia looked back at me and smiled. I put out my hand, and she met it with hers.

“If I had known you were going to be here, I would have put on a clean shirt and shaved and maybe worn some of that deodorant stuff,” I said, grinning wide.

She smiled that little, bashful smile of hers.

“You look great,” she said.

“So do you, Jules,” I said.

I watched her face angle toward the floor, but when she looked back up and found my eyes again, she had a pretty smile stretched across her face.

“It’s good to see you,” she said.

I couldn’t help but just stare at her.

“I heard your song on the radio the other day,” she said.

I tried to hide my shy smile, as my eyes darted to the floor.

“Well, what have you been up to these days besides becoming famous?” she asked.

I laughed.

“If I’m famous, it doesn’t really feel any different,” I softly muttered, as if it were a secret.

“That’s probably because you were already used to it,” she said. “You’ve been famous here since I’ve known you.”

I laughed again. It had been awhile since I had really laughed. It felt good. And it felt good to be holding her hand. God, if this were all a dream, I’m beggin’ you, don’t wake me up. Just let me rest.

“Isn’t everybody famous in a small town?” I asked.

The sides of her mouth lifted into another pretty grin.

“I guess you’re right,” she said.

She was quiet for a moment. I listened to the words from the juke box as they hit my ears, and I closed my eyes and remembered back to the first night I had played her the same song. On the back of my eyelids, I saw her green eyes lit up by the fire’s flames and her wide smile tempting me to kiss her.

But suddenly, the sound of her voice forced my eyelids open again, and the image was lost.

“How’s work?” she asked.

I took a second before I answered her.

“It’s been good,” I said. “I worked the last couple of days. It’s good to be back – a little break from traveling. Though, I’m not complaining.”

“I know,” she said, smiling into my shoulder.

“So, you like it?” she asked.

“Like…?” I repeated.

“The lights, the fans, the entertaining?” she continued. “You like it, right?”

“Oh, that,” I said, nodding my head. “I like parts of it. I like playing the guitar and that sometimes people get the words you’re singing – makes ‘em smile, you know?”

She nodded her head.

“Now, the lights, on the other hand,” I continued, “I could do without them. They’re bright, and they’re hot and just unnecessary.”

She didn’t say anything for a minute. She just stared at me with those temptress eyes of hers.

“I told you so,” she said, finally. “Well, minus the lights, I knew you’d like it.”

“You were just itchin’ to say that, weren’t you?” I asked her.

“Maybe,” she confessed.

A smile started to carve its way up my face and then stopped.

“You never liked the firefighting idea, did you?” I asked.

“What?” she replied.

She looked surprised.

“Why do you think that?” she asked.

“I don’t think,” I whispered near her ear. “I know, Jules.”

She stared into my eyes. I watched her pupils dance back and forth as if they were searching for something.

“Will, you had to have picked the most dangerous career,” she eventually said. “I wasn’t exactly thrilled, but I was sincerely happy for you.”

“I know. I know,” I said, starting to laugh.

“And Will, I would have done anything to make you happy,” she said, catching me off guard. “I still would.”

My smile somewhat faded, and my feet grew heavy on the floor. I had just now noticed that there was a different song coming from the juke box, and I locked my eyes on hers as I moved my hand up the small of her back, forcing her an inch closer to my body. She seemed to notice but didn’t stop me.

“I mean, we were best friends, Will,” she continued.

“Are best friends, Jules,” I said.

“What?” she asked.

“Jules, we are best friends,” I said again.

She paused but then slowly nodded her head.

“Are,” she said, smiling up at me.

She rested her head on my shoulder then, and I squeezed her hand in mine. Her hand was soft and warm and perfect. And I couldn’t believe I hadn’t told her yet. God, how many years had it been, and I hadn’t told her that I loved her, still love her – that I would quit fighting fires for her, that I would do anything for her?

“Jules,” I blurted out, causing her to lift her head from my chest. “I’ve, uh, been doing some thinking, and I…”

I reached for her other hand and cradled it in my own. Then, I closed my eyes for a moment, lowered my head and took a deep breath as I ran my thumb in a gentle motion over the tops of her fingers. But after several seconds, something stopped me. It was hard and jagged. I forced my eyes open, and the first thing I saw was a big, shiny object glaring back at me.

I swore my heart stopped right then. Which was her left? Which one was her left hand? It was the one the ring was on. I tried to tell myself I had her hands mixed up. I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t a diamond ring – that it was only the grass ring I had given her years ago when I had asked her to marry ME someday. I closed my eyes again and gently squeezed her hand in mine.

“Jules, please tell me that this is just a pretty ring,” I pleaded, with every last bit of pleading I had in me.

I opened my eyes and caught another glimpse of the shiny object on her finger before I found her gaze. She was searching in my eyes for something. There was a word on her lips, but she remained silent for the longest moment of my life.

“It’s not just a ring, Will,” she eventually said.

Her voice was almost a whisper.

I swallowed hard and softly cleared my throat. I felt the pain rising into my chest. I tried to shove it back down.

“The doctor?” I managed to get out.

I was looking at the ring on her finger again.

“Yes,” I heard her say.

I tried to laugh, but it came out sounding too labored to resemble laughter.

“And I’m guessing this means you said yes?” I asked, trying my damnedest to smile.

She slowly nodded her head. There was a half-smile on her lips.

“Well, I guess congrats are in order then,” I said, swallowing hard again and still trying to muster up that smile that just might not exist anymore.

“Thanks,” she softly said.

My eyes fell onto her lips as she finished the word. Then, they returned to her eyes.

“Just tell me one thing, Jules,” I said.

My voice had a serious tone to it now.

“Is he the one?” I asked her.

She continued to stare into my eyes. Her expression didn’t change, and she didn’t look thrown off or insulted. I expected to have to explain myself – to tell her that I only had her best interest in mind, even if I believed fully that it was in her best interest to be with me.

“He’s good for me, Will,” she said, finally.

I held my gaze. If there were such a thing as an out-of-body experience, I was pretty sure that this would qualify as one. I took another deep breath and then slowly forced it out, still keeping my eyes locked in hers.

It was another long moment before my stare fell to the hard floor at our feet. I tried to say something but nothing came out the first time, so I tried again.

“Well, that’s what matters,” I whispered. “That he’s the one.”

I raised my eyes to the rest of the bar then for the first time since we had started dancing. And I watched as heads simultaneously whipped in the other direction, until no one was looking at us anymore. Did they all know? Had they all known that this dance would end with my heart shattered into tiny pieces on the floor?

I met Jules’s eyes again.

“It was really good to see you again,” I gently said.

She seemed to hesitate.

“It was nice to see you too,” she said.

Then, she swung her arms around my neck. It surprised me. I almost didn’t know what to do; but eventually, I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her body against mine. Then, I closed my eyes, breathed her in and held her. I held her for all the moments I had missed and for all the moments I was about to miss too, as if me holding her now would keep her from marrying that guy – would keep her in my arms forever. An image from the night she had come to see me in the hospital suddenly appeared in my mind, and I wished I could go back to that day.

I opened my eyes, and I was still holding her. I spotted Rachel in the back of the room. Her expression looked pained, and I wondered for a second if it were just my pain reflecting back at me. I felt a warm liquid forming in the back of my eyes, and I knew I had to go. I cleared my throat and pulled away from her.

“Take care, Jules,” I said, starting to turn.

“You leaving?” she whispered, quickly resting her hand on my shoulder.

I stared at her hand and the rock on her finger. She seemed to notice my find and hastily retrieved her hand.

“Yeah, I’m helping out at the station early tomorrow morning – the call of duty,” I said.

I tipped my baseball cap in her direction and forced what I had left of a smile. Then, I turned and pushed through the screen door. I heard Annie say something about a burger as my feet hit the gravel, but I didn’t stop. I got around to the side of the bar and threw my back up against its wood paneling. I felt weak, as if I might pass out. Then, without a second thought, I felt my body slide down the wood until all my weight was on the back of my heels. I tried to think of something – just to make sure I was still conscious. The first thought that came to me was of Julia marrying that guy, and it sent my heart into another race.

I covered my face in my hands and took a deep breath. Then, eventually, I let both hands slide down past my eyes and my nose until just my fingertips were pressed up against my lips. And I just sat there and thought about her, about us, about an ending I wasn’t ready for yet.

Then, after a minute, I finally felt okay to stand again. I forced myself to my feet and then sauntered over to Lou. I pulled open the door and slid behind the wheel. Then, for several moments again, I stared into the darkness on the other side of my windshield, until eventually, I closed the door and searched in my jeans pocket for my keys. I recovered them seconds later, then shoved one into the ignition and purred the engine to a start. Then, I forced my fingers tightly around the steering wheel as I peered into my rearview mirror and then froze.

There was a ball staring back at me. I thought for a moment, then spun around and scooped it up and started searching in the glove box for something to write with.

Before I knew it, I was hovering over Rachel’s car and allowing the moments to pass by as I stared at Jules’s name and her old volleyball number with the help of the porch light from the bar. And suddenly, we were sixteen and sitting around a bonfire, and her soft words were touching my ears for the first time: You get the ball down for me someday, and we’ll call it even.