Текст книги "My Butterfly"

Автор книги: Laura Miller

I smiled, then took the black, permanent marker that I had found in the glove box and wrote an inscription on the volleyball. Then, I balanced the ball on the hood of the car, against the windshield, and stepped back. Now, on the volleyball was her name, her number and the words: Now we’re even.

I tried to smile again, knowing she’d remember and that it might make her smile too, but my lips refused. This wasn’t the way I thought I would feel when I finally returned her ball. Instead of a new beginning, it felt more like letting go. There were so many years wound up in that ball – so many I love yous and smiles and laughter and tears and goodbyes. And there was so much I never said.

I sucked in a deep breath of cool air and then slowly let it pass over my lips.

“So much I never said,” I whispered to myself before I turned and made my way back to Lou.

Chapter Thirty-Six
Ticket

It was five o’clock in the morning. I was staring into a laptop’s screen; my hand was on the touchpad; my finger was hovering over its little, right button; and an arrow on the screen pointed to a box that read: confirm. I had been in the same position for forty-five minutes straight.

I sucked in a deep breath and then forced it out. I didn’t know if it were my watch’s incessant ticking that was driving me mad or the fact that I hadn’t pushed the button yet.

I knew I couldn’t let her marry him. Maybe she loved him. The thought made me swallow hard. But what if there were still a part of her that loved me too? I couldn’t rely on my plan now. I would never be able to live with myself if it didn’t work out and she married him without me taking the chance that I might very well lose her twice. I needed to talk to her. I needed to tell her everything I never told her in all the years that we had been apart.

I quickly pushed another breath of air past my lips, and without a second thought, I forced my finger down. And suddenly, the word confirm lit up on the screen.

The flight was in a week and a half. I glanced at my watch. It was five after five. I looked toward the back of the bus. Daniel was sprawled out. His legs were stretched the length of a seat, and he was knocked out with his mouth open. I was surprised he wasn’t drooling yet.

I closed down the computer and set it onto the floor underneath me. Then, I readjusted my pillow, shifting it so that it rested up against the side of the bus. We were opening for Ren Lake in Memphis the next day and driving through the night to get there.

I lay on my back and stretched out my legs. The seat wasn’t long enough, and part of my legs and my feet hung off, but it worked. The little bed compartments on the bus made me feel claustrophobic, so I preferred the seat instead. And I never thought that I would ever long to be on one of those old beds in the fire station, but compared to this bus, I’d take them any night.

I pulled the seatbelt clip out of my back and shifted in the seat again. Most times, there was a comfortable enough, and I thought I just might have found it. I rested my head back onto my pillow and closed my eyes.

A week and a half.

I felt my lips turn into a smile. In a week and a half, she would know everything.

* * *

“How was Memphis?”

I looked up to see a brunette coming out of the gas station. I slid the nozzle into the tank and secured the lever to the handle.

“Rachel,” I said. “Just the person I wanted to see.”

She planted her feet in front of me, threw her hip into the side of my truck and crossed her arms. She had a questioning look on her face, but she seemed to shake it off before she spoke again.

“Well, how was it?” she asked.

I smiled.

“It was great,” I said.

“How many numbers did you get this weekend?” she asked.

My eyes darted to the ground, and I shook my head, feeling a little bashful all of a sudden.

“I knew it,” she said, grinning. “Thousands, huh?”

I laughed, and she narrowed her eyes again.

“Now, why did you want to see me?” she asked.

“Oh,” I said and then paused. “I bought a ticket.”

She cocked her head a little and drew her face closer to mine.

“A ticket?” she asked.

“To San Diego,” I said.

Her puzzled look started to melt into something else. I waited for her smile – that one she got while meddling in someone else’s business and not caring who saw her enjoying it. But that smile never came. Instead, her lips parted, and her eyes fell into some kind of sad state or something. Then, I watched as she sucked in some air through her teeth and shook her head.

The lever from the gas pump suddenly flew up and made a thud. My eyes fell for an instant onto the lever but then immediately returned to Rachel.

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, Will,” she said then, sounding strangely uneasy.

I angled my head slightly to the side. At the same time, my heart started this slow, methodical beating, as if it were preparing for bad news.

“Well, she is always throwing out invitations, and I thought, I’ve never been to San Diego; I might as well go now before she graduates and moves somewhere else, you know?” I half-lied.

Rachel’s eyes remained in mine. She was making me nervous. I watched her take a deep breath and then let out a sigh.

“You should probably give her some time,” she said.

She looked at me as if I were some abandoned puppy or something. And Time? What the hell was all this talk about time? Is it never the right time for anything? I was beginning to think that waiting was nothing but a fool’s game – either that or it was genius. But either way, it sure wasn’t fun.

“Wait,” I said. “What?”

She stared at me with a blank expression.

“You do know, right?” she asked.

My eyes narrowed.

“Know what?” I asked.

My heart almost couldn’t take the suspense. Know what?

She continued to stare at me for a few more seconds, and then suddenly, her lips started to turn up into a smile.

“Wait, why did you buy a ticket to San Diego?” she asked.

My puzzled stare was turning bashful fast.

“I, uh, thought it might be nice to see San Diego, and it might also be nice to have someone show me around that knows it,” I lied again.

I shifted my weight to my heels. I did really hate lying to her, and I had been prepared to tell her everything, but that was before she had scared the hell out of me with that depressed look of hers at first.

“Hold on,” I said. “What don’t I know?”

I watched her quickly draw a half circle around us with her eyes. Then, she brought her face closer to mine.

“She broke off her engagement,” she whispered near my ear.

My mouth fell open.

“What?” I asked.

She leaned back and simply nodded her head.

A smile tried to push its way to my face, but I quickly hid it as best as I could by throwing my gaze to the ground.

“Why?” I asked her, lifting my eyes again.

Rachel took in a deep breath through her nose.

“I’m not quite sure exactly, except that he just wasn’t ‘the one,’” she said, holding up quotation marks with her fingers.

I thought about it for a moment – let it process – before I lowered my eyes and found the asphalt near my feet again. And within seconds, I felt Rachel’s hand on my shoulder.

“Give her some time, Will,” she said.

I started to smile to myself as Rachel walked away.

There was that time word again. But this time, it didn’t bother me nearly as much.

I watched Rachel get into her car and pull away, and when she was out of sight, I let the sides of my mouth turn up until they couldn’t turn up anymore. So, it would be more than a week and a half before she would know everything now. That thought sobered me up a bit. But now, at least, I had time to get my plan together.

“Time,” I said, under my breath, as I shook my head.

Time seemed as if it were the answer for everything these days.

Chapter Thirty-Seven
The Song

“You ready, Will?”

The muffled voice hit my ears as if it were asking me if I were ready to go into battle or something. There was a weariness in the tiny recording studio. But it wasn’t coming from the thin man or the thicker, bald man who moved buttons up and down on the other side of the glass window in front of me. And it wasn’t the fact that they were staring at me either. I had somehow gotten used to them over the last couple of years. What I hadn’t gotten used to, though, were the big headphones that swallowed my ears and the weird microphone that threatened to devour my face. They were still strange, but they also weren’t the cause of my anxiousness. No, the anxiousness wasn’t a guest of the present – but of the future, I guessed, as I stepped closer to the mic. It was more like that uneasy feeling of not knowing if you’ve spent the good majority of your life doing the right thing or the wrong thing. It was that feeling of finally having reached the top of that river bluff but then not knowing what to do when you got there.

I nodded my head in the direction of the thin man behind the glass.

“I’m ready,” I said into the mic.

My eyelids slowly fell shut then, and I lowered my head. I had one chance to tell her what I should have told her years ago. In my head, I recited a silent prayer: Lord, get this to her ears. Then, I heard the music, and gradually, the words of her song began to instinctively fall off my lips:

 
“It’s a summer night
And I can hear the crickets sing
But otherwise, all the world’s asleep
While I can only lie awake and dream
And every time I close my eyes
A butterfly comes to me
It has soft, green eyes
A sweet soul
Brave wings
And each time, it hears me sing:
Where have you been?
I’ve missed you so
Tell me of your travels
Tell me you’ve seen the world
Now, you’ve come back home
Tell me you’ve carried me with you
That you’ve held me close
Tell me you’ve missed me
Or that I’m not crazy for waiting ‘cause
Of all the butterflies that chose to stay,
I’m in love with the one that got away
Then in my dream it turns to me
And that butterfly smiles
And whispers in my ear:
Where have you been?
I’ve missed you so
My wings are tired
For I’ve carried you home
I’ve carried you through the mountains
I’ve carried you over the sea
Everywhere I went
I carried you with me
Then instead of spreading those brave wings
And flyin’ far away again
That butterfly stays near instead
And whispers back to me:
Tell me again what you never said
And I sing again:
Where have you been?
I’ve missed you so
Tell me of your travels
Tell me you’ve seen the world
Now, you’ve come back home
Tell me you’ve carried me with you
That you’ve held me close
Tell me you’ve missed me
Or that I’m not crazy for waiting ‘cause
Of all the butterflies that chose to stay,
I’m in love with the one that got away.”
 

I sang the last words of the song and then lowered my head. And eventually, the music faded back into my headphones.

“That’ll do it, Will,” a voice hit my ears then. “That’ll make the girls happy.”

An anxious smile slowly found its way to my lips.

“I’m only concerned about one,” I softly said to myself.

Chapter Thirty-Eight
A Favor

“Hey, man, have you seen Rachel?”

“Uh-uh,” Jeff said, before he threw another dart at the wall.

I watched the dart hit a big circle, far from the bull’s-eye. Then, I kept moving.

“Hey, Will, where ya goin’? I’ve gotta tell you something,” Jeff called out, his words trailing behind me.

I ignored him. It couldn’t be as important as what I had to tell Rachel.

The den led off into the living room where Jon was sitting on the couch watching the Cards’ game with a couple of other guys.

“Jon, where’s your fiancé?” I asked.

I watched him try to turn his head, but it looked as if his eyes wouldn’t let him.

“Uh, I think she’s on the front porch.”

I took a quick glance at the score of the game and kept moving again. A room and a screen door later, my feet were planted on a row of old, wooden porch boards – the kind where the color of paint never changed only because you just couldn’t imagine it being a different color. The fan was on high above me. I instantly felt its breeze as I turned my head and spotted Rachel.

“Rach,” I said, marching forward.

Then, suddenly, I stopped when I noticed who was also sitting next to her.

“Jessica,” I said, as I planted my feet.

I knew I must have sounded surprised to see her. I watched her face turn down toward the wooden floorboards before she met my eyes again.

“Hi, Will,” she said.

I hadn’t seen her since our night at the diner.

“I didn’t realize you were here,” I said.

“I came with Jeff,” she said, softly, lifting her eyes only a moment before tossing them to the floorboards again.

“Oh, okay,” I said, moving again.

I pulled out a chair from along the wall and fell into it.

“So, how have you been?” I asked Jessica.

“Good,” she said, almost bashfully.

I smiled and caught Rachel staring at me with a strange smirk on her face. I scrunched my eyebrows together and stared back at her with a puzzled look.

“She came with Jeff,” Rachel said, making sure to drag out the word came as if it were important or something.

I slowly turned my head sideways, giving her a clue that I didn’t know what the hell she was getting at. So. She was always with Jeff. I glanced over at Jessica. Was she in on this game too?

Jessica was smiling, which wasn’t unusual, but there was still something different about her smile.

“I’m, uh, going to go get some more tea,” Jessica said then, rising from her chair. “Rachel, you want some?”

Rachel shook her head.

“No, honey,” Rachel said, laughing under her breath.

I watched Rachel’s eyes follow Jessica as Jessica disappeared behind the screen door. Then, Rachel’s gaze settled into mine.

“Jeff and Jessica are dating now,” she rattled off.

She had said the words so quickly I almost couldn’t process them all at one time.

I sat there for a second as all the gears clicked.

“So, that’s what knucklehead wanted to tell me,” I said out loud, but really to myself.

Rachel nodded her head in slow, exaggerated nods. She was still wearing her devilish grin – that one that Julia had always warned me about.

I sat back in my chair and let my head fall back.

“I don’t know how he did it,” I said again, mainly to myself.

“I know! Crazy, right?” she exclaimed. “I mean, she was crazy about you for so long.”

Her eyes were wide, and she was shaking her head.

“But in the end, Jeff’s really good for her,” she said. “They really fit together better, you know?”

My head leveled back again, and before I knew it, I was staring at Rachel with a side-smile and narrowed eyes.

“Will, you know what I mean,” she said, shoving my arm.

“You need someone with more fight,” she said, as she drew her face closer to mine and used her hand to cover one side of her lips. “I mean, I love Jessica, but let’s face it, that girl wasn’t raised here.”

I tossed my head back again and laughed.

“Jon’s a lucky man, Rachel,” I said, eyeing her again with a smirk still plastered on my face.

She shot me a confident look.

“He knows it,” she said.

I watched Rachel toss her gaze to somewhere off into the distance. Then, I sat up straighter in my chair and cleared my throat.

“Uh, speaking of that, there’s something I need you to do,” I said.

My smile had faded now. A serious expression had replaced it. Rachel returned her attention to me and drew her face even closer. Curiosity surrounded her, and I was pretty sure she was wearing that devilish grin again, but I couldn’t quite tell through the fog of her poker face.

“Only if it involves Julia,” she said.

Her words surprised me. My eyes grew wide, and I tried to force back a guilty grin even as I pressed on.

“Do you think you can get her back to New Milford?” I asked.

“When?” she asked.

She didn’t even bother to ask why, and I chuckled a little at that.

“In two weeks,” I said and then lowered my eyes.

I glanced back up at her seconds later, and her eyes immediately locked onto mine. I almost felt naked, as if she could see right through me or something.

“I think I just kind of assumed that she would just be there,” I went on. “But now, I’m starting to second-guess it. I mean, she just moved across the country, and she’s got a new job, you know? I shouldn’t have assumed she would be there.”

I stopped and drew in a deep breath.

“Rach, I need her there,” I continued.

Rachel’s hand fell to my knee then, and my eyes quickly traveled to her hand.

“Your charity concert?” she asked.

I nodded my head and returned my eyes to hers.

“I’ve already got it covered,” she said, winking back at me and falling back into her chair again.

I cocked my head to the side.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, the first time I told her about it, she put up a fight, as usual, and said she had to work or something crazy like that, but I called her firm last night and sweet-talked her secretary out of some information.”

I felt my eyebrows coming together.

“I met her once – the secretary,” she said, flipping her hand in the air. “It’s okay. She’s a nice girl. Anyway, evidently, Miss Lang took off that Friday for ‘some charity concert up North.’”

She used her fingers to make quotation marks.

“And, honey, I don’t know what changed her mind, but I do know she has a ticket,” she said, mischievously smiling.

She stopped then and started waving her finger.

“You know, come to think of it actually, it just might have been a certain song that persuaded her,” she said, allowing her stare to wander off into the distance again before returning to me.

My heart instantly sped up a few beats per minute.

“She heard it?” I asked.

Rachel smiled and slowly nodded her head.

“Now, we just have to pray that she gets on that plane,” she said.

My lips were gradually lifting into a grin, but I knew there was still a somewhat puzzled look glued to my face.

“But how did you know?” I asked.

The sentence came out slow and broken, but I managed to get it all out, as Rachel met my stare.

“That you were still in love with her?” she asked.

I stared back at her, with my mouth cocked slightly open.

“Well, I always kind of knew,” she said, shrugging her shoulders. “But then, you bought that ticket, and I knew you didn’t just want to sightsee in San Diego. And then, Jessica told me about your guys’ little talk that one night.”

Her eyes left me and fell onto a spot off in the distance somewhere again.

“Ten years ago, I didn’t so much care for Jessica,” she confessed. “That was, of course, before I knew her,” she said, pushing up another devious grin.

Then, I watched as her eyes returned to me.

“Thanks, Rachel,” I said.

“She’s your fight, Will,” she said. “It’s the least I can do.”

My eyes fell to the floorboards at my feet, and a faint smile found its way to my lips; though, I was pretty sure it was one part hopeful and one part terrified.

“Rachel,” I said, lifting my eyes to hers again.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a small, black box. I stared at it as I turned it over in my hand. Then, I set it down onto the table’s surface in front of her.

Rachel’s jaw was cocked open, and her brown eyes were big when I met her gaze.

“What is that, Will?” she asked, forcing her eyes to the little box.

I couldn’t help but smile.

“It’s my grandmother’s ring,” I said.

She looked up at me again and then back at the box.

“Can I?” she asked.

I laughed.

“Yeah,” I said, nodding my head.

She snatched up the little box and quickly pulled back its lid.

“Oh my gosh, Will,” she exclaimed. “It’s beautiful.”

When she was finished examining the ring, she met my eyes.

“The concert?” she asked.

I took a deep breath in and then let it quickly escape. Then, I nodded my head.

“So, this is why we need to get her back here?” she asked.

A wide smile gradually took over my face.

Rachel carefully closed the box’s lid and handed the ring back to me.

“I’ll make sure she gets on the plane,” she said.

“Thanks, Rachel,” I said, as my eyes found a spot on the table’s surface again, and then I paused.

“Rachel,” I said, lifting my gaze. “I have one more favor to ask of you.”

Chapter Thirty-Nine
The Find

I was nervous. I couldn’t help but be. I hadn’t really talked to Jules’s mom in years. I tended to avoid the people that reminded me of Jules or the life I used to have with her. Her mom was one of those people.

“Rachel,” I heard Mrs. Lang exclaim, as Rachel stepped into the house in front of me.

Jules’s mom enveloped Rachel in a hug and planted a kiss on her cheek.

“Oh, and sweetie, Eric left some of that blackberry honey out for Jon,” Mrs. Lang said. “He knows how much he likes that kind.”

“Oh, thanks, Mrs. L,” Rachel said, as Jules’s mom released Rachel from her grip.

I was now standing in the hallway behind Rachel, so when Rachel stepped out of the way, I was in plain view.

“Will,” Mrs. Lang exclaimed.

I couldn’t tell if she had said my name in a scolding tone or if it had come from a place of surprise.

“Mrs. Lang,” I said, greeting her and tipping my cap.

She was motionless for a second, and her expression refused to waiver. But before I could think of what to do next, she threw her arms around me, just like she had done with Rachel a minute ago.

“It’s so good to see you,” she said, into my shoulder. “It’s been so long.”

She pulled away from me then but kept her hands on my shoulders, as if to get a good look at me.

“You’re so grown up,” she exclaimed, as her eyes turned a little sad.

“Nah,” I said. “I’m not that grown up yet.”

She softly smiled and then turned to Rachel.

Rachel shrugged her shoulders and squished her lips together like Rachel did when she was indifferent.

“He’s really not,” Rachel reassured her.

Mrs. Lang turned back to me, smiled again and squeezed my shoulders.

“Well, do you guys want some spiced honey cookies or some honey bread or tea?” she asked, as she darted into the kitchen then.

Rachel followed Mrs. L into the other room and came back out with a cup of something in her hand.

“The tea has honey in it,” Rachel said, as she smiled up at me.

“Will, do you want anything?” Mrs. L asked.

“Uh, no, Mrs. Lang, I’m fine. Thanks,” I said, grinning.

Jules’s dad had picked up raising bees in the last couple of years. I knew that because he sold the honey and everything that went along with it at my grandpa’s store.

Suddenly, Mrs. Lang appeared in the hallway again.

“Okay,” she said, looking at the two of us. “Let’s see what we can find.”

She shuffled to the bottom of the stairs and then started her climb. Rachel followed her, and I followed Rachel.

“Oh, Will, how is the singing going?” Mrs. Lang asked.

I took another step before I answered.

“It’s going all right,” I said.

“It was so funny,” Mrs. Lang went on. “Eric and I were up and about that morning that you were on the Good Morning show, you know?”

“Mm hmm,” I said.

“Well, all of a sudden, we heard your voice,” she continued, without missing a beat. “I knew it was your voice. And both of us just immediately stopped what we were doing. I’m not kidding. I set my cup down onto the counter – well, I guess, it more or less fell to the counter – and we both just gravitated to the television as if we were zombies. I couldn’t believe my eyes.”

She stopped at the top of the stairs, and Rachel slipped past her.

“I’m so proud of you, Will,” she said, giving me that motherly smile that makes them look as if they want to cry too.

I smiled, and my cheeks turned hot.

“It’s nothing really,” I assured her.

She tilted her head slightly to the side.

“And you’re staying safe with the whole firefighter thing?” she asked. “No more falling from two-story buildings?”

“No, ma’am,” I said, shaking my head, my eyes cast down again.

“I hope not,” she said.

She rested her hand on my shoulder and lightly nudged me onward.

Rachel was already sprawled out onto the bed when I stepped into the room. I quickly glanced around and then immediately retraced my steps in my mind.

“Is this Julia’s room?” I asked.

“Mm hmm,” Rachel said.

“Well,” Rachel continued. “It’s the guest quarters now.”

She had said her last words in a British accent for some reason.

“It’s better than that awful lavender that Mrs. L let Julia paint it,” Rachel said.

Mrs. Lang turned and smiled at Rachel.

I looked around the room. All of Jules’s 4-H trophies were gone, along with all her track medals, her favorite band posters and that frightfully big, stuffed bear that always sat in the corner of the room. And while I didn’t so much miss the bear, I did miss everything else – everything that made this room Jules’s.

I watched Mrs. Lang pull open the closet door and tug on a beaded strand, which immediately lit the little room.

“Now, I know I saw them when I was packing away her things, so they’re in here somewhere,” she said, pulling down a shoe box from a shelf. “Somewhere is the keyword.”

She smiled at us and opened the shoe box.

“Here, Mrs. L, I’ll help you look,” Rachel said, jumping up from the bed.

I glanced at the two of them in the closet, rooting through years of Julia’s life, now in boxes.

“Let me know if I can do anything,” I said to them, rocking back on my heels.

They were talking quietly to each other, so I wasn’t even sure if they had heard me. I felt uncomfortable all of a sudden being in Julia’s room without her being there. My eyes wandered around again, as I fell into the place on the bed that Rachel had just been. The room was painted a light greenish color now. The curtains were all white and in that material with all the holes in it. And there was a big picture of a field of flowers. The flowers were purple. Maybe they were for Jules – a lasting piece of her favorite color when everything else of hers was in boxes.

Suddenly, I heard giggling from the closet, and then I felt a soft, stuffed thing hit the side of my head.

“Remember that?” Rachel asked.

I collected myself and then spotted a small, stuffed animal that kind of resembled a cat lying on the floor. I smiled and bent over to retrieve it.

“Julia loved that thing for some reason,” Rachel said.

I ran my fingers over the stuffed animal’s glass eyes and sewn-on nose. Furballs. It was uglier than I had remembered it; though, the memory was far from ugly. I smiled to myself.

“I think I found them,” Rachel screamed just then.

My eyes quickly turned up toward the closet just in time to see Rachel pull out a bouquet of butterfly weeds from a cardboard box. She smiled and held the flowers out toward me.

“Your flowers, sir,” she said, with a big grin tattooed to her face.

I stood up, walked over to her and took the flowers into my hands. The last time I had held them, her jeep was packed, her smile was wide, and her dreams were waiting – to escort her right out of my life.

“Now, go get your fight, Will,” Rachel said, squeezing my arm.

I looked up at the two of them and smiled.

“Thank you,” I said, before returning my gaze to the butterfly weeds now cradled in my hands.