Текст книги "A fire in the flash"

Автор книги: Jennifer L. Armentrout

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Текущая страница: 32 (всего у книги 37 страниц)

Hearing the sharp breath he took, I smiled as I pulled back and looked up. Muscles curled low in my stomach, and I knew he had to hear the breath I took as my gaze landed on his thick, rigid cock. I bit down on my lip, remembering how he tasted, how he felt when he came against my tongue. I stretched up, started to lean in…

Ash’s hand returned to my hair, stopping me.

I looked up at him. His cheeks were flushed, his lips parted. “You said anything.”

“I did.” His hand fisted in my hair, tugging at my scalp in a way that caused a rush of pounding heat.

“And I want you in my mouth.” I clasped his thighs. “I want to taste you.”

“Sera,” Ash groaned. “Anything but that.”

My eyes narrowed. “I didn’t realize there were restrictions.”

He chuckled. “I didn’t either. But if you do that, I’ll…”

I scraped my nails against his skin, far too pleased by the brief flash of his fangs. “You’ll what?”

“I’ll lose control.”

My blood turned to liquid fire at the thought of him with no control. “That is what I want.”

“It’s what I want, too.” The faint glow of eather appeared in the veins of his cheeks and throat, causing an unsteady breath to escape me. “But I want to lose control with my cock deep inside you, not when I’m fucking your mouth.”

My legs trembled as a pulse of lust went straight to my core.

His head tilted to the side, causing his hair to fall across one side of his face. A glowing eye pierced mine. “You’d like that.”

Nothing about him saying, “fucking your mouth” should turn me on, but I nodded. Because when he said it? I wanted him to fuck my mouth. Hard.

Ash’s nostrils flared.

Had I said that out loud?

“You can have that all you want,” he bit out. “After.”

After.

Just a single word often taken for granted. We didn’t have an after. “But—”

“After,” he insisted, the grip on my hair firm enough to guide me to my feet.

Holding his gaze, I nodded. There was no reason to correct him. We could pretend. We had every right to. “Are there other things not included in anything?”

A hint of a teasing smile played across his mouth. I loved that kind of smile. It was rare. Would I remember it where…wherever I went?

“Sera,” he said, softly this time.

I blinked, lifting my gaze to his.

“We’re here.” Both of his hands cupped my cheeks. “We’re together. Right now. That is all that matters. Just us. Just right now.”

Exhaling roughly, I nodded. “Just us.”

Ash dipped his head, capturing my lips with a sweet, lingering touch. I trembled as the kiss deepened, as he tasted and owned me, drinking me in.

His mouth left mine once more, but he skipped my throat. I didn’t know if that was on purpose—if he’d sensed that seedling of unease in me before—but his lips blazed another hot trail across my collarbone. His fingers followed his mouth, grazing over my shoulders, my breasts. They coasted over the curve of my stomach, finding the band of my pants.

Ash’s tongue flicked against the crest of my breast, and then he drew the flesh into his mouth, wringing a gasp from me as he tugged the pants over my hips and then down. I stepped out of them, shivering at the soft whisper of air against my skin.

Then there was nothing between us. He moved into me, folding an arm around my waist. The feel of his flesh against mine, cool and hard against my belly, seared my skin. Holding me tightly, he carefully brought me to the ground, one hand bracing the back of my head as he laid me out on my lake’s damp, grassy bank. The tenderness in how he cared for me nearly had me coming undone, and it would have if not for the sight of him.

The image of him above me, his dark hair falling against the sharp angles of his cheeks, his lips parted to reveal the tips of his fangs, and his features stark with need were the embodiment of pure lust.

His eyes glowed a luminous silver, catching mine as the soft edges of his hair teased my skin. He nipped at my collarbone. “Keep those beautiful eyes on me,” he ordered in that smoky, shadowy voice of his. “I want you to see how much I enjoy the taste of your skin.”

My stomach dipped and curled. “I…I won’t look away.”

His grin was icy-hot, and his lips maddening as he kissed his way down the center of my chest and then up the swell of one breast. His head tilted, eyes full of wisps of whirling eather as he dragged the edge of one fang over the sensitive skin. He hesitated at the tip of my breast, his cool, teasing breath heightening my anticipation.

“Watch me,” he murmured.

Nothing in either realm could force me to look away. He flicked his tongue over my nipple, and my fingers pressed into the grass. I moved restlessly beneath him, shivering at the feeling of the rougher hair of his legs against mine.

Ash drew the budded flesh into his mouth, sucking deeply. He smiled as he wrung a soft cry from my lips.

I gripped his forearm, and he turned his attention to my other breast. The tip of his fang skated across my nipple. “Ash,” I moaned, hips twitching.

“Mmm.” He took me into his mouth and pressed his fingers into the flesh of my other breast, deftly rolling my nipple between his thumb and forefinger. “There are only a few things in this realm better than the sound of your moans.”

“Like…” My breath came out in short gasps as his hand left my breast and glided down. He shifted, giving me a glimpse of muscles that dipped and rippled over his lower stomach before he grasped my hip and wedged the sleek, muscled length of his thigh between mine. “Like what?”

“The sound you make when you come. It’s like a siren’s song. That ranks a little bit higher,” he said, the sensation of his cool lips against my hot skin tantalizing. “But you know what ranks even higher?”

Pressing my lips together, I shook my head.

He caught my nipple between his teeth, and I cried out again, rocking against him, riding his thigh.

His tongue soothed away the wicked sting. “Your voice,” he said.

I was panting. “My voice?”

“Your voice,” he confirmed, pressing his thigh against the damp heat between mine. “It’s soft yet strong. Confident.”

 “Really?” I asked, not sure I sounded that soft or confident now.

Ash nodded. “Your voice is a balm.”

Oh, gods.

“Another thing that ranks higher? Your laugh. You don’t laugh enough, but when you do? It fucking stops me dead in my tracks.”

“Ash,” I whispered, chest swelling.

He groaned, gnashing his teeth together. “And that. The way you say my name. When you’re lost to passion, and all you can do is whisper my name.” He tipped his hips, pressing against me. “When you’re angry with me and yell it.”

I laughed. “Even then?”

“Especially then.” He slid down my body and dipped his tongue into my navel, causing my entire body to jerk as sharp, pulsing sensations darted through me. “But how you say it when you’re feeling sweet? When you’ve stripped off all the beautiful shields you encase yourself in?” Laces of eather streaked under the skin of his cheeks. His tongue and lips danced lower as his thigh shifted away from me. “When you say my name as you tell me you love me?”

I might’ve stopped breathing for a few moments as the seconds stretched out.

“There’s not a godsdamn sound better than that, Sera. That, I swear.” Eather pulsed in the veins of his jaw and throat. “Because it silences all the terrible shit I’ve had to do and see and lets me feel hope.”

His words were so powerful. They soothed my soul’s rough, brittle edges. “Ash.” I sat up, bringing my face close to his. “I love you.”

His large hand wrapped around my neck, the roughness of his fingertips scraping against my skin. A spark of energy surged from him and then through me. His kiss was a combination of dominance and vulnerability, a pull so powerful I forgot who I was for a moment. I felt it shattering barriers and undoing something deep within me.

“Ash. Gods,” I whispered, tugging my mouth from his. I stared up at him. “I will always love you.”

The Primal stilled against me. His body. The eather in his eyes.

Then he took me like lightning, his mouth claiming mine as he pressed me to the ground again. Everything that came next was all about us, right here and now.

When Ash’s mouth left mine, he moved down, spreading my thighs with his broad shoulders.

There was no hesitation or teasing, just his cool breath, and then his mouth closing around the tight bundle of nerves.

My back arched at the intensity of the raw, pounding sensations. It was too much. I started to sit again, but his hand landed on my stomach, holding me down and in place as he feasted.

Ash devoured me.

“This?” he breathed, dragging his tongue up the very center of me before delving deep. “The way you taste? It comes in right behind my list of favorite sounds, but it is my favorite taste in all the realms.”

“It is?” That was all I could manage as the tension built quickly.

“Even better than your blood,” he murmured. “Sweet sunshine.”

I couldn’t even concentrate enough to ask what sweet sunshine tasted like to him because he was tasting me. Licking. Sucking. It felt like he was everywhere. His tongue. Lips. His fingers dug into the flesh of my ass, and he lifted me. All the tight, curling sensations stole my breath as my movements became almost frantic, and I rode his face as I’d done his thigh. His growl of approval burned my skin, igniting the fire.

I tried to slow the building release. I wanted to savor this, but I could feel myself rushing toward completion, and I thought that might be what killed me. I couldn’t catch my breath—

Ash suddenly rose from between my legs, his mouth returning to mine before I could vocalize even a single word. The taste of him and me on his tongue was a heady mix, leaving me feeling out of control and dazed as I felt his skin harden and cool further under my palm. The way he shook nearly undid me as he gripped my thigh, hooking my leg around his waist. His mouth never left mine as he rolled his hips, pressing into where I needed him. I tilted mine, and he answered with a muffled, ragged groan.

A fine shiver rolled through me as he pushed in, my body tensing at the initial bite of discomfort from his width. He halted, but I wanted more. I needed more. Because this was it. This was what I would remember.

With my leg hooked around his hip, and my arms wrapping his shoulders, I lifted myself and pulled him down, seating him fully inside me.

“Fuck,” Ash rasped, his groan half laugh. Then he said something in the Primal language, but it was too fast and low for me to pick up. He kissed me again, and these were sweet and tender. He kissed me like…like he had his kardia and not only loved me but was in love with me. Now and forever. And he kept kissing me as he began to move.

My body clenched around his as he pulled back until he was almost free of me and then drove back in, as far as he could go. Hot, tight shudders flooded me as he nipped my lips, my chin. The pace he set was slow and torturous, driving me insane.

“More.” I grabbed a fistful of hair, and he groaned.

“Faster?” he taunted against my lips.

“Yes.”

“Harder?”

I shook, lightning rushing through my veins. “Yes.”

Ash still held back, his swirling silver eyes locked on mine as his hips punched forward, hard and deep. And I took him. I brought both knees up, hooking my legs around his waist. For a moment, neither of us moved. Our bodies were flush, hip to hip, chest to chest.

Then he moved, just like I wanted, fast and hard. I couldn’t even keep up. All I could do was hold on as he took me.

“Fates, nothing feels like this,” he uttered against my mouth. “Nothing feels like you.”

 I felt the same, but I couldn’t get the words out as pleasure started to build again as he drove me to the breaking point, over and over. His mouth found mine, and he worked an arm under me, tilting my hips up.

Then I lost all sense of time. It was just the sounds of our bodies coming together and the wind above, stirring the branches. I felt him swelling and tightening with each deep, pounding thrust. The tension returned, building deep inside me until every muscle in my body tensed.

There was no slow build, no coming to the edge and then pulling back. The coil spinning inside me unfurled at a shocking rate. Crying out his name, the most intense pleasure I’d ever felt rolled over me in tight, hot waves that stretched every nerve ending.

Mindlessly, I threw my head back, but Ash’s hand was there, preventing it from hitting the ground. He cradled the back of my head and ground his hips into mine, sending pulses of uncontrollable ecstasy through every nerve in my body.

“Liessa.” His voice was rough and low. He pressed into me, joining me in release with a hoarse shout. “Sera.”

I held on to him, even as the rest of my body went limp. I just held him to me as pleasure took him in the same endless way.

“I never wanted…” Ash whispered against my skin, even as I felt him still spasming inside me. He kissed my neck, then the corner of my lips. “I never wanted until you.”

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

Ash’s lips coasted over mine, and his words echoed in my mind.

I never wanted.

Looping my arms around his shoulders, I held him tightly. The kiss deepened until we were drowning in each other.

I never wanted until you.

His heart pounded against mine as our lips reluctantly parted. We were both breathless and yearning—

The Primal essence suddenly throbbed intensely throughout me, causing me to suck in a short breath. Ash’s head jerked up at that exact moment.

A low rumble of thunder traveled through the air, seeming to emanate from every direction, both above and below us. Tiny bumps of dread raced across my skin, and my eyes locked on his.

“Kolis,” snarled Ash, shadows rapidly appearing in his cheeks as his flesh thinned. “They’ve found him.”

“And he’s conscious,” I whispered.

Time…

We were out of time.

The rumble picked up, and the ground trembled, causing the trees to sway and sending several leaves falling.

I wasn’t ready.

But I had to be.

I had to face the end because this was it. This wasn’t a close call. There would be no tomorrows. No afters. This was it.

I stared into Ash’s whirling silver eyes as a hundred—no, a thousand—different things rose to the tip of my tongue. I still wanted to know and say so much. All of it would take a lifetime or more, but I had mere minutes. Not even hours now.

Minutes.

Panic sliced through my chest, sending adrenaline surging through my veins.

The tendrils of eather brightened in Ash’s gaze as he sucked in a sharp breath.

Oh, no. He was reading my emotions. I needed to get myself under control. I didn’t want him feeling my panic or distress. This would already be bad enough for him.

Breathe in. I reached up, sinking my hands into his hair. Hold. I let myself feel the texture slipping through my fingers for a heartbeat or two. Breathe out. I willed my racing heart to slow. “I always wanted before you.”

A tremor ran through Ash, and I knew it had nothing to do with the Primal rage building in Iliseeum and spreading into the mortal realm. “Liessa…”

“I wanted to be known,” I whispered, needing him to hear this. “I wanted to be accepted.”

Another shudder rocked Ash.

“I wanted to be included.” I slid my hands free of his hair, drawing them down the cool skin of his neck. “I wanted to be talked to and touched.”

“Sera,” he breathed.

The tips of my fingers grazed the hard line of his jaw. “Most of all, I wanted to be valued, to be needed and cherished and wanted for who I was and not who I was supposed to be or what I could do for someone. I wanted to be seen.” A surge of emotion clogged my throat as the ground trembled once more. “You gave me all of that, Ash. I’ve lived because of you.”

A sound came from deep within Ash as if it tore itself free from the depths of his soul. “I will give you so much more.”

Before I could process what he’d said, his mouth closed over mine. Rocking back, he rose fluidly. He cradled me to his chest, the kiss deepening, parting my lips. His tongue stroked mine, and when he kissed like this, it overwhelmed me—his scent, taste, and the cool wetness of his mouth. Our lips moved hungrily as I grasped the back of his head, soaking in all the sensations. I didn’t want to forget where I was going.

I wouldn’t.

Sharp wind stirred around us. The sudden shock of cold water rushing over my feet was a jolt to my senses. Ash had entered the lake, gracefully descending the earthen steps of shadowstone, the water rising and lapping over my legs and then my waist. He kept kissing me, his mouth urgent and demanding as if he sought to lose himself in it as badly as I wanted to.

His mouth only left mine when the water reached my lower back and occasionally rippled against my shoulders. “Sera,” he gasped.

Calmed as I always was by the lake, my heart rate slowed. I reached up, pressing my palm to his cheek. His eyes were full of whipping silver coils of eather. “I love you, Ash.”

His chest rose sharply, and each breath he took was fast and hard.

“It’s time,” I whispered.

The eather slowed in his eyes. His chest stopped its rapid movements. He didn’t move, not even as the tremor beneath us came once more.

I cupped his jaw. “Please.”

One side of his lips curled up, revealing one sharp point as he snarled, “No.”

Then he struck.

He was so fast I had no time to feel the unease that had threatened to take over earlier when I’d felt the scrape of his fang.

The one word he’d spoken got lost in my cry as his fangs pierced the skin of my throat. Sharp agony reverberated through my body, but the pain didn’t last. What chased the sting away wasn’t exactly pleasure, it just didn’t hurt as his mouth latched on to my throat or maybe…maybe I couldn’t feel the pleasure.

Because I knew he found none.

Ash was trembling, but he wouldn’t drag this out. He wouldn’t do that to me.

His fingers moved against my hip, now under the water, in slow, soothing swipes that were in tune with the deep, drugging pulls at my vein. He drank fast, taking my blood into him, and I knew this was likely killing a part of him—something that would take a long time to come back.

Sliding my hand under his hair, I moved my fingers along his neck. I hoped it brought some sort of comfort as I opened my eyes.

Stars glimmered high above us, blanketing the sky with a dazzling array of twinkling lights. There were so many. Hundreds. Thousands. And the moon? It was so big, so bright.

Ash’s arm spasmed around me…or did I jerk? I wasn’t sure as I stared at the moon. The embers began thrumming throughout me, at first nothing more than a minor vibration, and then a frenzied dance.

It’s okay, I thought to myself, my hand sliding of its own accord to stop at his chest. My thoughts began wandering to what I hadn’t allowed myself to dwell on for too long.

Where was I going?

Ash wouldn’t be able to intervene. It would be up to the Arae, and I hoped they wouldn’t sentence me to the Abyss. But I had taken lives when my life hadn’t been in jeopardy. I’d killed bad people and those who happened to be enemies of my kingdom. Would I burn?

No, I reasoned. I would enter the Vale. Holland would ensure that. I had to believe it. But what would it be like? Even Ash couldn’t tell me. All I knew was that it was different for everyone. I didn’t understand how someone could see their loved ones if the paradise was individualized, but maybe we weren’t supposed to understand it.

I wondered who I’d see. Who I’d meet. My father? That would be nice. Would I see my old nursemaid? I’d like that, too.

Would I remember?

Ash? My family? Everything? Would I be at peace? I wasn’t sure how I could be if I remembered or if I forgot. Was that how spirits became…?

I sighed, losing track of my thoughts.

Dying didn’t hurt.

Ash made sure of that with the cool weightlessness of my lake and the now-slower, gentle tug of his mouth against my throat.

He drew my blood into him, and my warmth… I could feel it in his body. It started in his chest and then spread down his stomach. His arms, wrapped so tightly around me, were no longer cold. My blood was doing that, giving him life. And, gods, I was so grateful to feel that again and have the chance to remember the way his body felt when it was like this. And I would remember.

I would.

I would.

I concentrated on the feeling of Ash’s pounding heart beneath my palm. It grounded me. For a while.

But the edges of my vision started to darken—or they had been for a bit. It was another thing I wasn’t entirely sure of, but I felt my heart slowing, and the rushing water was no longer so loud. It sounded muted, far away. I couldn’t feel the quakes shaking the realm anymore.

But I did feel the realm slipping away as I fell into darkness.

My hand slipped again. I tried to keep it where I could feel his heart, but I was tired. Weak. My hand twitched and started to fall.

Ash caught my wrist. He didn’t stop feeding, but he took my hand in his, pressing my palm flat to his chest above his heart.

He knew.

Somehow, he knew.

I felt my lips curve upward. I felt him shake, but I knew I was smiling, even though I was dying. It was happening. After all this time, there was no escaping it, and despite being in Death’s arms, I smiled. I didn’t want to die. I wasn’t ready. It hadn’t magically become fair. I wanted to live. I wanted life more than I ever had, but I…

I felt the warmth of Ash’s skin and his mouth. I felt the strength of his heart beating beneath my palm and knew my blood now coursed through him. Ash would do more than live. He would Ascend, and he would rule as he always should have.

And I…I felt peace.

Not acceptance. Not submission. Just peace. A spasm went through my body, my heart stuttered, and the embers flared brightly in my chest—

Ash jerked his head back, his breathing still fast, hard. His features were blurred, but I saw how bright the eather was in his eyes as he stared down at me. And the embers…

They pulsed fiercely in my chest. He hadn’t…

“The embers,” I whispered, my tongue feeling thick and heavy.

“Fuck the embers.”

Confusion clouded my mind as he placed my hand on my lap, not letting it fall into the water. “Ash.” I tried to move but couldn’t seem to get my body to do as I needed it to. “What…what are you doing?”

“Sera, I need you to take my blood. I need you to feed from me.”

“What…?” My sluggish heart lurched as what he was doing—or not doing—broke through the fog of my peace. “No, Ash. No—”

“No!” he shouted…or whispered. I thought of how he’d said that before he’d bitten me.

I thought about how he’d refused to listen when I told him I wanted him to really live, the after he’d spoken of, and how he’d said he would give me more. When he spoke to me in the cavern. I thought of all he hadn’t said. He’d never said he planned to take the embers—not to me. Not to Keella or Attes.

I went over everything he had said since we were reunited, and even before Kolis held me.

I will not let you die.

Ash had never planned to take the embers.

“I’m not letting you go,” he said. “I’m going to Ascend you.”

I felt another tripping motion in my chest. “You…you can’t.”

The laugh that came from him was dark and endless. “Yes, I fucking can.”

“It won’t…work,” I reasoned.

Eather whirled in his eyes. “I’m a fucking Primal of Death. My blood is that of the Ancients, so we don’t know that for sure. No one does. I don’t care what Delfai or the Arae claimed. Fuck them. I’m going to try.”

As his words sank in, I felt a spark of hope, but it was fleeting. When Kolis spoke of doing the same, I’d known it wouldn’t work. And even if it did… “What…will I become?”

“I don’t know. A demis? One of those Ascended Kolis creates?” But that…that wasn’t how the Ascended worked. They were third sons and daughters. Ash knew that. Another tremor shook him. “Or the Primal of Life.”

But that wouldn’t happen. It couldn’t.

“I don’t care what you become.” He lowered his wrist. “I don’t care, as long as you’re alive. As long as you don’t leave me. I don’t care. I want you however you come back to me.”

Gods, I believed him.

But it wouldn’t work.

Focusing on the embers, I latched on to them for strength. Faint energy buzzed through my veins, allowing me to lift my hand back to his chest, over his heart. “I love you.”

His eyes slammed shut. “Sera, be quiet and don’t fight me for once.”

“I love you so much, but you h-have to do this.”

“Shut up, Sera.” He turned his head to his wrist as a line of darkness raced down his cheek.

“Take the embers. You have to. Please.”

“Shut the fuck up, Sera!” he shouted, sending what birds remained in the elms into a frightened flight. “For the last time, I don’t care about the embers or the realms. They can burn.”

I shuddered, curling my fingers against his skin. “You don’t…mean that.”

His eyes opened and locked with mine. They were pools of still, endless silver. “I do.”

“What if I still die?” I held on to my waning strength, my chest feeling as if it squeezed tighter with every word. “The embers will die, and you won’t have me—”

“I know. It may not work. If it doesn’t, I will lose you and the embers. I’m willing to risk it and take that chance,” he said. Over his shoulder, I saw the water freeze on the rocks. “The lives of millions of mortals nor those of the gods do not surpass yours. The realms can rot into the Abyss and all life can cease.” Another streak slid down his other cheek, damp and the color of midnight crimson. “I don’t care, as long as you are beside me.”

Oh, gods.

Blood tears coursed down his face.

Ash cried. “I will take the souls of those lost upon my flesh. I will gladly usher in the end, and I will do it with you beside me,” he swore. “And if not? If I fail and lose you?” His voice cracked from the agony of his sorrow and remorse. My heart shattered. “The realms won’t survive, Sera.”

“Ash,” I pleaded, hating his pain. Loathing all the regret I heard in his voice.

“If I lose you, they’re already gone, as good as dead and rotted away.” His forehead pressed against mine. “Don’t you know that already? You do. Kolis was always right about me. He knew I would do far worse than what he could ever conceive. And I will. I will ruin the realms if I lose you. If you die, there is no hope for them—any of them…innocent or evil, god or mortal. I will destroy them all.”

Ash shuddered, then kissed me hard and quick, leaving my lips numb. “So don’t die.”

I stared at him as he drew his head back and lifted his wrist once more. A…a weak laugh left me. “Don’t die?”

“Yes. Exactly that. Don’t fucking die,” he repeated as if that were the simple fix. His eyes held mine. “Fuck the greater good, Sera.”

“Fuck the greater good,” I mumbled instead of screaming as I’d done before. The embers hummed throughout me. “Because we aren’t…”

“We aren’t good, liessa.”

“But you are.”

“Not without you,” he said. “Not without you.”

I saw his lips part. He tore into his wrist, ripping the skin open. Then I saw the shimmer of his blood coursing down his arm.

Shadows crept into my vision again, the stolen strength fading. As he brought his wrist down, I knew it would likely be the end of me—the end of the realms and the end of him. He would regret this. At some point, before it all ceased to exist, he would.

But his blood hit my lip, warm and tingling, igniting either the embers or instinct. My mouth opened. Sweet and smoky blood reached my tongue. There was no riot of sensations, no shock to the senses. I was too gone for that, but my body reacted on instinct. Or the embers did.

I swallowed.

His blood coursed down my throat, hot and thick as Ash pressed the gaping wound to my mouth. I drank.

I drank until my throat no longer worked. I swallowed until I could no longer feel his blood running down my throat. I…I felt nothing. Not warmth. Not coldness.

The strangest thing happened then. An unending tide of memories came at me in waves.

Me as a pale-haired child, staring at the painting of my father and finally understanding where my freckles had come from. My mother’s cold stare that used to cut so deeply and then only left me feeling nothing. But then I fell into a memory of when I was…nine or ten? It had been at night, after I’d spent the day training with Holland and eating my supper alone. I’d gone into the garden to sit near the silvery-green bushes with their purplish-blue spikes of flowers. I’d liked the way they smelled because…

They smelled of Momma.

A soft footstep against the gravel had me twisting around on the bench.

Momma walked alone under the glow of the hanging lanterns, her pale hair swept up in a twist Odetta could never force mine into.

I went completely still and as silent as a spirit, just as Sir Holland had taught me. Momma didn’t see me. She was too busy looking up at the sky, and I didn’t think I was supposed to draw her attention when we were outside of our lessons. She never seemed happy when I did.

Momma never seemed happy.

Not even after marrying King Ernald.

King Ernald seemed happy. He snuck me chocolates when he passed me in the halls.

Squeezing my legs together, I clamped my mouth shut so I didn’t breathe too loudly. I didn’t want to upset her. I wanted her to be proud of me. My chin lifted. I would make her proud, but I…I wanted her to see me. To talk with me like she did with Ezmeria and Tavius. She didn’t speak of duty to them. She talked about silly things like—

“I know you’re there, Seraphena.”

My lips came unstuck, making a popping sound as my gaze flew to her. “I’m sorry.”

“You are?” She stood a few feet back, her hands clenched over her pale blue gown, and her body as stiff as mine. “What are you sorry for?”

“I…” I wasn’t sure, exactly. I’d said it because I felt as if I should. I said things like that a lot.

“It’s of no consequence.” Her gaze shifted from mine to the flowers. The lanternlight shone off her…damp cheek. “I didn’t know you came here.”

Was she crying? I watched her come forward, her gown whispering silently over the pebbles and grass. “I like the way it smells.”

A strange laugh left her. It sounded a little mean and sad. “You would, wouldn’t you?”

I didn’t know what she meant by that, and I’d learned that if I didn’t know something, it was best if I said nothing.

“Do you know what they are called?” she asked after a few moments.