Текст книги "The Complete Short Stories"
Автор книги: James Graham Ballard
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Текущая страница: 50 (всего у книги 113 страниц)
The Sudden Afternoon
What surprised Elliott was the suddenness of the attack. Judith and the children had gone down to the coast for the weekend to catch the last of the summer, leaving him alone in the house, and the three days had been a pleasant reverie of silent rooms, meals taken at random hours, and a little mild carpentry in the workshop. He spent Sunday morning reading all the reviews in the newspapers, carefully adding half a dozen titles to the list of books which he knew he would never manage to buy, let alone read. These wistful exercises, like the elaborately prepared martini before lunch, were part of the established ritual of his brief bachelor moments. He decided to take a brisk walk across Hampstead Heath after lunch, returning in time to tidy everything away before Judith arrived that evening.
Instead, a sharp attack of what first appeared to be influenza struck him just before one o’clock. A throbbing headache and a soaring temperature sent him fumbling to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, only to find that Judith had taken the aspirin with her. Sitting on the edge of the bath, forehead in his hands, he nursed the spasm, which seemed to contract the muscles of some inner scalp, compressing his brain like fruit-pulp in a linen bag.
‘Judith!’ he shouted to the empty house. ‘Damn!’
The pain mounted, an intense prickling that drove silver needles through his skull. Helpless for a moment, he propelled himself into the bedroom and climbed fully dressed into the bed, shielding his eyes from the weak sunlight which crossed the Heath.
After a few minutes the attack subsided slightly, leaving him with a nagging migraine and a sense of utter inertia. For the next hour he stared at the reflection of himself in the dressing-table mirror, lying like a trussed steer across the bed. Through the window he watched a small boy playing under the oaks by the edge of the park, patiently trying to catch the spiralling leaves. Twenty yards away a nondescript little man with a dark complexion sat alone on a bench, staring through the trees.
In some way this scene soothed Elliott, and the headache finally dissipated, as if charmed away by the swaying boughs and the leaping figure of the boy.
‘Strange .’ he murmured to himself, still puzzled by the ferocity of the attack. Judith, however, would be sceptical; she had always accused him of being a hypochondriac. It was a pity she hadn’t been there, instead of lying about on the beach at Worthing, but at least the children had been spared the spectacle of their father yelping with agony.
Reluctant to get out of bed and precipitate another attack – perhaps it was due to some virulent but short-lived virus? Elliott lay back, the scent of his wife’s skin on the pillow reminding him of his own childhood and his mother’s perfumed hair. He had been brought up in India, and remembered being rowed across a river by his father, the great placid back of the Ganges turning crimson in the late afternoon light. The burnt-earth colours of the Calcutta waterfront were still vivid after an interval of thirty years.
Smiling pleasantly over this memory, and at the image of his father rowing with a rhythmic lulling motion, Elliott gazed upward at the ceiling, only distracted by the distant hoot of a car horn.
Then he sat up abruptly, staring sharply at the room around him.
‘Calcutta? What the hell—?’
The memory had been completely false! He had never been to India in his life, or anywhere near the Far East. He had been born in London, and lived there all his life apart from a two-year postgraduate visit to the United States. As for his father, who had been captured by the Germans while fighting with the Eighth Army in North Africa and spent most of the war as a POW, Elliott had seen almost nothing of him until his adolescence.
Yet the memory of being rowed across the Ganges had been extraordinarily strong. Trying to shake off the last residue of the headache, Elliott swung his feet onto the floor. The throbbing had returned slightly, but in a curious way receded as he let the image of the Calcutta waterfront fill his mind. Whatever its source, the landscape was certainly Indian, and he could see the Ganges steps, a clutter of sailing dhows and even a few meagre funeral pyres smoking on the embankment.
But what most surprised him were the emotional associations of this false memory of being rowed by his father, the sense of reassurance that came with each rhythmic motion of the dark figure, whose face was hidden by the shadows of the setting sun.
Wondering where he had collected this powerful visual impression which had somehow translated itself into a memory with unique personal undertones, Elliott left the bedroom and made his way down to the kitchen. It was now half past two, almost too late for lunch, and he stared without interest at the rows of eggs and milk bottles in the refrigerator. After lunch, he decided, he would settle down on the sofa in the lounge and read or watch television.
At the thought of the latter Elliott realized that the false memory of the Ganges was almost certainly a forgotten fragment of a film travelogue, probably one he had seen as a child. The whole sequence of the memory, with its posed shot of the boat cutting through the crimson water and the long traverse of the waterfront, was typical of the style of the travelogues made in the nineteen-forties, and he could almost see the credit titles coming up with a roll of drums.
Reassured by this, and assuming that the headache had somehow jolted loose this visual memory – the slightly blurred wartime cinema screens had often strained his eyes – Elliott began to prepare his lunch. He ignored the food Judith had left for him and hunted among the spices and pickle jars in the pantry, where he found some rice and a packet of curry powder. Judith had never mastered the intricacies of making a real curry, and Elliott’s own occasional attempts had merely elicited amused smiles. Today, however, with ample time on his hands and no interference, he would succeed.
Unhurriedly Elliott began to prepare the dish, and the kitchen soon filled with steam and the savoury odours of curry powder and chutney. Outside, the thin sunlight gave way to darker clouds and the first afternoon rain. The small boy had gone, but the solitary figure under the oaks still sat on the bench, jacket collar turned up around his neck.
Delighted by the simmering brew, Elliott relaxed on his stool, and thought about his medical practice. Normally he would have been obliged to hold an evening surgery, but his locum had arranged to take over for him, much to his relief, as one of the patients had been particularly difficult – a complete neurotic, a hazard faced by every doctor, she had even threatened to report him to the general medical council for misconduct, though the allegations were so grotesque the disciplinary committee would not consider them seriously for a moment.
The curry had been strong, and a sharp pain under the sternum marked the beginning of a bout of indigestion. Cursing his bad luck, Elliott poured a glass of milk, sorry to lose the flavour of the curry.
‘You’re in bad shape, old sport,’ he said to himself with ironic humour. ‘You ought to see a doctor.’
With a sudden snap of his fingers he stood up. He had experienced his second false memory! The whole reverie about his medical practice, the locum and the woman patient were absolute fictions, unrelated to anything in his life. Professionally he was a research chemist, employed in the biochemistry department of one of the London cancer institutes, but his contacts with physicians and surgeons were virtually nil.
And yet the impression of having a medical practice, patients and all the other involvements of a busy doctor was remarkably strong and persistent – indeed, far more than a memory, a coherent area of awareness as valid as the image of the biochemistry laboratory.
With a growing sense of unease, Elliott sipped weakly at the tumbler of milk, wondering why these sourceless images, like fragments from the intelligence of some other individual, were impinging themselves on his mind. He went into the lounge and sat down with his back to the window, examining himself with as much professional detachment as he could muster. Behind him, under the trees in the park, the man on the bench sat silently in the rain, eyed at a safe distance by a wandering mongrel.
After a pause to collect himself, Elliott deliberately began to explore this second false memory. Immediately he noticed that the dyspepsia subsided, as if assuming the persona of the fragmented images relieved their pressure upon his mind. Concentrating, he could see a high window above a broad mahogany desk, a padded leather couch, shelves of books and framed certificates on the walls, unmistakably a doctor’s consulting rooms. Leaving the room, he passed down a broad flight of carpeted stairs into a marble-floored hall. A desk stood in an alcove on the left, and a pretty red-haired receptionist looked up and smiled to him across her typewriter. Then he was outside in the street, obviously in a well-to-do quarter of the city, where Rolls-Royces and Bentleys almost outnumbered the other cars. Two hundred yards away double-decker buses crossed a familiar intersection.
‘Harley Street!’ Elliott snapped. As he sat up and looked around at the familiar furniture in the lounge and the drenched oaks in the park, with an effort reestablishing their reality in his mind, he had a last glimpse of the front elevation of the consulting chambers, a blurred nameplate on the cream-painted columns. Over the portico were the gilt italic numerals: 259 ‘Two fifty-nine Harley Street? Now who the devil works there?’ Elliott stood up and went over to the window, staring out across the Heath, then paced into the kitchen and savoured the residue of the curry aroma. Again a spasm of indigestion gripped his stomach, and he immediately focused on the image of the unknown doctor’s consulting rooms. As the pain faded he had a further impression of a small middle-aged woman in a hospital ward, her left arm in a cast, and then a picture of the staff and consultants’ entrance to the Middlesex Hospital, as vivid as a photograph.
Picking up the newspaper, Elliott returned to the lounge, settling himself with difficulty. The absolute clarity of the memories convinced him that they were not confused images taken from the cin-films or elaborated by his imagination. The more he explored them the more they fixed their own reality, refusing to fade or vanish. In addition, the emotional content was too strong. The associations of the childhood river scene were reassuring but the atmosphere in the consulting rooms had been fraught with hesitation and anxiety, as if their original possessor was in the grip of a nightmare.
The headache still tugged at his temples, and Elliott went over to the cocktail cabinet and poured himself a large whisky and soda. Had he in some incredible way simultaneously become the receiver of the disembodied memories of a small Indian boy in Calcutta and a Harley Street consultant?
Glancing at the front news page, his eye caught: INDIAN DOCTOR SOUGHT Wife’s Mystery Death Police are continuing their search for the missing Harley Street psychiatrist, Dr Krishnamurti Singh. Scotland Yard believes he may be able to assist them in their inquiries into the death of his wife, Mrs Ramadya Singh With a surge of relief, Elliott slapped the newspaper and tossed it across the room. So this explained the two imaginary memories! Earlier that morning, before the influenza attack, he had read the news item without realizing it, then during the light fever had dramatized the details. The virulent virus – a rare short-lived strain he had picked up at the laboratory – presumably acted like the hallucinogenic drugs, creating an inner image of almost photographic authenticity. Even the curry had been part of the system of fantasy.
Elliott wandered ruminatively around the lounge, listening to the rain sweep like hail across the windows. Within a few moments he knew that more of these hallucinatory memories lay below the surface of his mind, all revolving around the identity of the missing Indian doctor.
Unable to dispel them, he deliberately let himself drift off into a reverie. Perhaps the association of the funereal rain and the tiresome pain below his sternum was responsible for the gathering sense of foreboding in his mind. Formless ideas rose towards consciousness, and he stirred uneasily in his chair. Without realizing it, he found himself thinking of his wife’s death, an event shrouded in pain and a peculiar dream-like violence. For a moment he was almost inside his wife’s dying mind, at the bottom of an immense drowned lake, separated from the distant pinpoint of sky by enormous volumes of water that pressed upon his chest In a flood of sweat, Elliott awoke from this nightmare, the whole tragic vision of his wife’s death before his eyes. Judith was alive, of course, staying with her married sister at the beach-house near Worthing, but the vision of her drowning had come through with the force and urgency of a telepathic signal.
‘Judith!’
Rousing himself, Elliott hurried to the telephone in the hall. Something about its psychological dimensions convinced him that he had not imagined the death scene.
The sea!
He snatched up the phone, dialling for the operator. At that very moment Judith might well be swimming alone while her sister prepared tea with the children, in sight of the beach but unaware she was in danger ‘Operator, this is urgent,’ Elliott began. ‘I must talk to my wife. I think she’s in some sort of danger. Can you get me Calcutta 30331.’
The operator hesitated. ‘Calcutta? I’m sorry, caller, I’ll transfer you to Overseas—’ ‘What? I don’t want – ‘ Elliott stopped. ‘What number did I ask for?’
‘Calcutta 30331. I’ll have you transferred.’
‘Wait!’ Elliott steadied himself against the window. The rain beat across the glazed panes. ‘My mistake. I meant Worthing 303—’
‘Are you there, caller? Worthing Three Zero Three – ‘ Her voice waited.
Wearily Elliott lowered the telephone. ‘I’ll look it up,’ he said thickly. ‘That wasn’t the number.’
He turned the pages of the memo pad, realizing that both he and Judith had known the number for years and never bothered to record it.
‘Are you there, caller?’ The operator’s voice was sharper.
A few moments later, when he was connected to Directory Inquiries, Elliott realized that he had also forgotten his sister-in-law’s name and address.
‘Calcutta 30331.’ Elliott repeated the number as he poured himself a drink from the whisky decanter. Pulling himself together, he recognized that the notion of a telepathic message was fatuous. Judith would be perfectly safe, on her way back to London with the children, and he had misinterpreted the vision of the dying woman. The telephone number, however, remained. The enigmatic sequence flowed off his tongue with the unconscious familiarity of long usage. A score of similar memories waited to be summoned into reality, as if a fugitive mind had taken up residence in his brain.
He picked the newspaper off the floor.
Dr Krishnamurti Singh. Scotland Yard believes he may be able to assist them in their inquiries ‘Assist them in their inquiries’ – a typical Fleet Street euphemism, part of the elaborate code built up between the newspapers and their readers. A French paper, not handicapped by the English libel laws, would be shouting ‘Bluebeard! Assassin!’
Detectives are at the bedside of Mrs Ethel Burgess, the charwoman employed by Dr and Mrs Sing/i, who was yesterday found unconscious at the foot of the stairs Mrs Burgess! Instantly an image of the small elderly woman, with a face like a wizened apple, came before his eyes. She was lying in the hospital bed at the Middlesex, watching him with frightened reproachful glances – The tumbler, half-filled with whisky, smashed itself on the fireplace tiles. Elliott stared at the fragments of wet glass around his feet, then sat down in the centre of the sofa with his head in his hands, trying to hold back the flood of memories. Helplessly he found himself thinking of the medical school at Calcutta. The halffamiliar faces of fellow students passed in a blur. He remembered his passionate interest in developing a scientific approach to the obscurer branches of yoga and the Hindu parapsychologies, the student society he formed and its experiments in thought and body transference, brought to an end by the death of one of the students and the subsequent scandal For a moment Elliott marvelled at the coherence and convincing detail of the memories. Numbly he reminded himself that in fact he had been a chemistry student at – Where?
With a start he realized that he had forgotten. Quickly he searched his mind, and found he could remember almost nothing of his distant past, where he was born, his parents and childhood. Instead he saw once again, this time with luminous clarity, the rowing-boat on the crimson Ganges and its dark oarsman watching him with his ambiguous smile. Then he saw another picture, of himself as a small boy, writing in a huge ledger in which all the pencilled entries had been laboriously rubbed out, sitting at a desk in a room with a low ceiling of bamboo rods over his father’s warehouse by the market – ‘Nonsense!’ Flinging the memory from him, with all its tender associations, Elliott stood up restless, his heart racing with a sudden fever. His forehead burned with heat, his mind inventing strings of fantasies around the Dr Singh wanted by the police. He felt his pulse, then leaned into the mirror over the mantelpiece and examined his eyes, checking his pupil reflexes with expert fingers for any symptoms of concussion.
Swallowing with a dry tongue, he stared down at the physician’s hands which had examined him, then decided to call his own doctor. A sedative, an hour’s sleep, and he would recover.
In the falling evening light he could barely see the numerals. ‘Hello, hello!’ he shouted. ‘Is anyone there?’
‘Yes, Dr Singh,’ a woman replied. ‘Is that you?’
Frightened, Elliott cupped his hand over the mouthpiece. He had dialled the number from memory, but from another memory than his own. But not only had the receptionist recognized his voice – Elliott had recognized hers, and knew her name.
Experimentally he lifted the receiver, and said the name in his mind. ‘Miss Tremayne—?’
‘Dr Singh? Are you—’ With an effort Elliott made his voice more guttural. ‘I’m sorry, I have the wrong number. What is your number?’
The girl hesitated. When she spoke the modulation and rhythm of her voice were again instantly familiar. ‘This is Harley Street 30331,’ she said cautiously. ‘Dr Singh, the police have—’ Elliott lowered the telephone into its cradle. Wearily he sat down on the carpet in the darkness, looking up at the black rectangle of the front door. Again the headache began to drum at his temples, as he tried to ignore the memories crowding into his mind. Above him the staircase led to another world.
Half an hour later, he pulled himself to his feet. Searching for his bed, and fearing the light, he stumbled into a room and lay down. With a start he clambered upright, and found that he was lying on the table in the dining room.
He had forgotten his way around the house, and the topography of another home, apparently a single-storey apartment, had superimposed itself upon his mind. In the strange upstairs floor he found an untidy nursery full of children’s toys and clothes, an unremembered frieze of childish drawings which showed tranquil skies over church steeples. When he closed the door the scene vanished like a forgotten tableau.
In the bedroom next door a portrait photograph stood on the dressing table, showing the face of a pleasant blondehaired woman he had never seen. He gazed down at the bed in the darkness, the wardrobes and mirrors around him like the furniture of a dream.
‘Ramadya, Ramadya,’ he murmured, on his lips the name of the dying woman.
The telephone rang. ‘Standing in the darkness at the top of the stairs, he listened to its sounds shrilling through the silent house. He walked down to it with leaden feet.
‘Yes?’ he said tersely.
‘Hello, darling,’ a woman’s bright voice answered. In the background trains shunted and whistled. ‘Hello? Is that Hampstead—’ ‘This is Harley Street 30331,’ he said quickly. ‘You have the wrong number.’
‘Oh, dear, I am sorry, I thought—’
Cutting off this voice, which for a fleeting moment had drawn together the fragmented persona clinging to the back of his mind, he stood at the window by the front door. Through the narrow barred pane he could see that the rain had almost ended, and a light mist hung among the trees. The bedraggled figure on the bench still maintained his vigil, his face hidden in the darkness. Now and then his drenched form would glimmer in the passing lights.
For some reason a sense of extreme urgency had overtaken Elliott. He knew that there were a series of tasks to be performed, records to be made before important evidence vanished, reliable witnesses to be contacted. A hundred ignored images passed through in his mind as he searched for a pair of shoes and a jacket in the cupboard upstairs, scenes of his medical practice, a woman patient being tested by an electroencephalogram, the radiator of a Bentley car and its automobile club badges. There were glimpses of the streets near Harley Street, the residue of countless journeys to and from the consulting rooms, the entrance to the Overseas Club, a noisy seminar at one of the scientific institutes where someone was shouting at him theatrically. Then, unpleasantly, there were feelings of remorse for his wife’s death, counterbalanced by the growing inner conviction that this, paradoxically, was the only way to save her, to force her to a new life. In a strange yet familiar voice he heard himself saying: ‘the soul, like any soft-skinned creature, clings to whatever shell it can find. Only by cracking that shell can one force it to move to a new…’
Attacks of vertigo came over him in waves as he descended the staircase. There was someone he must find, one man whose help might save him. He picked up the telephone and dialled, swaying giddily from side to side.
A clipped voice like polished ivory answered. ‘Professor Ramachandran speaking.’
‘Professor—’ ‘Hello? Who is that, please?’
He cleared his throat, coughing noisily into the mouthpiece. ‘Professor, understand me! It was the tumour, inoperable, it was the only way to save her – metempsychosis of the somatic function as well as the psychic…’ He had launched into a semicoherent tirade, the words coming out in clotted shreds. ‘Ramadya has gone over now, she is the other woman… neither she nor any others will ever know… Professor, will you tell her one day, and myself… a single word—’ ‘Dr Singh!’ The voice at the end was a shout. ‘I can no longer help you! You must take the consequences of your folly! I warned you repeatedly about the danger of your experiments—’ The telephone squeaked on the floor where he dropped it. Outside the headlamps of police cars flashed by, their blue roof lights revolving like spectral beacons. As he unlatched the door and stepped out into the cold night air he had a last obsessive thought, of a fair-haired, middle-aged man with glasses who was a chemist at a cancer institute, a man with a remarkably receptive mind, its open bowl spread before him like a huge dish antenna. This man alone could help him. His name was – Elliott.
As he sat on the bench he saw the lights approaching him through the trees, like glowing aureoles in the darkness. The rain had ended and a light mist dissipated under the branches, but after the warmth indoors it was colder than he expected, and within only a few minutes in the park he began to shiver. Walking between the trees, he saw the line of police cars parked along the perimeter road two hundred yards away. Whichever way he moved, the lights seemed to draw nearer, although never coming directly toward him.
He turned, deciding to return to the house, and to his surprise saw a slim fair-haired man cross the road from the park and climb the steps to the front door. Startled, he watched this intruder disappear through the open door and close it behind him.
Then two policemen stepped from the mist on his right, their torches dazzling his eyes. He broke into a run, but a third huge figure materialized from behind a trunk and blocked his path.
‘That’s enough, then,’ a gruff voice told him as he wrestled helplessly. ‘Let’s try to take it quietly.’
Lamps circled the darkness. More police ran over through the trees. An inspector with silver shoulder badges stepped up and peered into his face as a constable raised a torch.
‘Dr Singh?’
For a moment he listened to the sounds of the name, which had pursued him all day, hang fleetingly on the damp air. Most of his mind seemed willing to accept the identification, but a small part, now dissolving to a minute speck, like the faint stars veiled by the mist, refused to agree, knowing that whoever he was now, he had once not been Dr Singh.
‘No!’ He shook his head, and with a galvanic effort managed to wrench loose one arm. He was seized at the shoulder and raised his free arm to shield himself from the lights and the pressing faces.
His glasses had fallen off and been trampled underfoot, but he could see more clearly without them. He looked at his hand. Even in the pale light the darker pigmentation was plain. His fingers were small and neat, an unfamiliar scar marking one of the knuckles.
Then he felt the small goatee beard on his chin.
Inside his mind the last island of resistance slid away into the dark unremembered past.
‘Dr Krishnamurti Singh,’ the inspector stated.
Among the suitcases in the doorway Judith Elliott watched the police cars drive away toward Hampstead village. Upstairs the two children romped about in the nursery.
‘How horrid! I’m glad the children didn’t see him arrested. He was struggling like an animal.’
Elliott paid off the taxi-driver and then closed the door. ‘Who was it, by the way? No one we know, I hope?’
Judith glanced around the hall, and noticed the telephone receiver on the floor. She bent down and replaced it. ‘The taxi-driver said it was some Harley Street psychiatrist. An Indian doctor. Apparently he strangled his wife in the bath. The strange thing is she was already dying of a brain tumour.’
Elliott grimaced. ‘Gruesome. Perhaps he was trying to save her pain.’
‘By strangling her fully conscious? A typical masculine notion, darling.’
Elliott laughed as they strolled into the lounge. ‘Well, my dear, did you have a good time? How was Molly?’
‘She was fine. We had a great time together. Missed you, of course. I felt a bit off-colour yesterday, got knocked over by a big wave and swallowed a lot of water.’ She hesitated, looking through the window at the park. ‘You know, it’s rather funny, but twenty minutes ago I tried to ring you from the station and got a Harley Street number by mistake. I spoke to an Indian. He sounded rather like a doctor.’
Elliott grinned. ‘Probably the same man.’
‘That’s what I thought. But he couldn’t have got from Harley Street to Hampstead so quickly, could he? The driver said the police have been looking for him here all afternoon.’
‘Maybe they’ve got the wrong man. Unless there are two Dr Singhs.’ Elliott snapped his fingers. ‘That’s odd, where did I get the name? Must have read about him in the papers.’
Judith nodded, coming over to him. ‘It was in this morning’s.’ She took off her hat and placed it on the mantelpiece. ‘Indians are strange people. I don’t know why, but yesterday when I was getting over my wave I was thinking about an Indian girl I knew once. All I can remember is her name. Ramadya. I think she was drowned. She was very sweet and pretty.’
‘Like you.’ Elliott put his hands around her waist, but Judith pointed to the broken glass in the fireplace.
‘I say, I can see I’ve been away.’ With a laugh she put her hands on his shoulders and squeezed him, then drew away in alarm.
‘Darling, where did you get this peculiar suit? For heaven’s sake, look!’ She squeezed his jacket, and the water poured from her fingers as from a wet sponge. ‘You’re soaked through! Where on earth have you been all day?’
1963
