Текст книги "Offbeat"

Автор книги: S. Moose

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Текущая страница: 4 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

If I could stay in bed for the rest of my life, I would want that. I’d want to get away from the world and create another one with Tyler. In this world we’d be together, without any pain, and our lives would be perfect. We’d be married and I’d be barefoot and pregnant, walking the beach with the love of my life. It’d be perfect.

This world of ours will be different. It won’t be your typical love story happily ever after. No, we’ll still have arguments and disagreements. He’ll still annoy me and I’ll have my crazy moments. The only thing different in our world is I won’t be a survivor of sexual assault. I’ll be the happy and loving Bayleigh Renee Murphy, living her dream, and giving Tyler Scott her body, heart, and soul without question.

I force my eyes to stay closed. I’m not going to wake up because once I wake up, I have to come to the realization he’s leaving soon and I’m going to say goodbye again. We went a year without seeing each other, and I know it’s my fault. I’m selfish and want the best of both worlds. I’m not sure how to not be selfish. I can’t get enough of Tyler. He’s become my addiction and I’m not ready to let go cold turkey.

Only, I can’t tell him that. I can’t ask anything of him. I lost that right when I let him go. If I tell him I love him and beg him to stay, he’ll expect us to be together and I’m not ready for that. It’ll only cause confusion and anger, and for once, I don’t want to argue with him.

He’s holding me tightly in his arms and I don’t want to leave. I don’t want either of us to wake up and have our hearts torn from the reality that we’ll be facing.

His grip around my body gets tighter and I feel his breathing on my neck. I place my hand on his and the burning flames erupt when I hear his sigh. Relaxation spreads through our bodies and it feels so real and so right. But that’ll disappear when we get out of bed and leave our perfect world. I’ll wake up alone, in a sweat, screaming for someone to help me and he’ll be thousands of miles away.

Who will I run to when I feel sad and alone? Do I have the right to ask him to stay? Or should I ask him if I can come?

Honestly, I’m a little upset he didn’t ask me to. I know that doesn’t make sense and it’s really selfish. I can’t help it. Of course I’d say no, but at least I thought he would ask me.

Silently I groan. As much as I want that to happen, I know it won’t. I’m not ready for that stage. Even what we’re doing right now is wrong. All we’re doing is leading our hearts to a pile of brokenness and sadness because the more we try to make it work, the more we crash and burn. There are still so many things I have to work on and obstacles I have to climb over.

Slowly turning around in his arms, I open my eyes and stare at him for a while. I memorize his face, every line, the way he has a slight smile when he’s sleeping and how peaceful he looks. I’ve never been this happy before now and once he wakes up, that happiness will disappear.

Resting my head on his chest, I listen to the beating of his heart. Thump, thump, thump and say a silent prayer, begging God to watch over him while he’s in California and asking him to give me the strength I need to find my way again.

Moving my hand up to his face, I trace the lines and absorb the softness of his skin to my fingertips. He’s beautiful. Last night stays on my mind. I’m glad I did something I normally wouldn’t do. Dancing with him and laughing without worrying if I’ll get hurt felt good.

“Good morning,” he whispers, kissing the top of my head. When his eyes meet mine, there’s something different. He seems happier and full of life again; like he should look. There’s no hesitation to his touch or the way he’s looking at me. And I’m letting him.

“Hi. Thanks for convincing me to go out last night. I had a lot of fun and I hope you did too.”

“Of course I did. All you have to do is ask and tell me what you want. That’s all. And now that you’re up, I think it’s time we head outside. Want to go for a walk?” I sit up, stretching my arms and moaning from the relief of waking up. “Ah, I’m going to change and I’ll be back in twenty, ok?” I nod and walk him to the door.

“See you soon,” I tell him. I head to the bathroom and get ready for the day with Tyler. Seeing myself in the mirror, it hits me that I don’t recognize the girl staring back at me. There’s something about the expression I’m wearing and the emptiness I don’t feel.

Was last night a turning point?

My face heats up thinking about the way we danced last night and how much he made me laugh. At first I was upset that he’d ask me to go out, and then as I was getting ready, it felt good to dress up and not be in yoga pants all day. He’s making me feel good and now I have to say goodbye to him. I won’t be a road block in his life and ask him to stay.

I grip the sink and inhale through my nose and exhale through my lips. I can do this. He needs to do this and I have to be strong. I feel my chest tighten and my breathing becomes fast and unsteady. All I can think about is Tyler in California seeing hot girls in beautiful clothes. He’ll fall for a Kim Kardashian look-alike and have pretty babies. He’ll forget about me.

Not wanting to dwell on the what-ifs, I get dressed and head downstairs. Sitting in the kitchen with a banana and water, I think about how I’m going to spend the last days with him.

A knock breaks me away and I hear the door open. Tyler soon appears and hands me a single yellow rose.

“Thank you,” I take the rose and get up from the barstool. “I’m ready to go.”

“Sounds good.”

Standing beside him, the urge to feel his strong arms around me takes over. Wrapping my arms around him, I breathe him in, hating to admit I’m going to miss this. “You better not fall in love with Cali and move there.”

“Oh yeah and if I do, what’ll happen?”

I laugh and slap his back, “I’ll follow you out there.” Did I just say that? Did those words come out of my mouth? I blush and bury my head in his chest.

“Say you’ll miss me,” he teases me and holds me tighter, resting his head on my head. “Say it.”

“I’ll miss you. So much,” I mumble.

“I wanted to ask you to come with me. But I know you can’t.” I smile and nudge his stomach, taking his hand and walking outside to his car.

We get to the park and start our walk. It’s really nice outside today. There are no clouds and the sun is out. Feeling the warmth on my skin feels good. We walk in silence for a little bit and that’s what I love about Tyler. We can be with each other and not talk for hours and it would still be the best conversation.

I look at him and memorize every line and every expression. Right now, he’s thinking and he’s struggling. This isn’t easy for us.

“So, are you ready for California?”

He looks at me and that struggling expression tugs at my heart. “I don’t want to talk about that. I want to spend the day with you and memorize your smile because that’s what’s keeping me going. Knowing that you’re getting stronger. And you are, Bay. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks, Ty.”

Part of me wants to cry. I hold it in and enjoy the time we have together. After walking a few miles, we take a break under a tree. We’re lying down, looking at one another, and neither of us knows what to say. He traces small circles on my hand. It’s comforting to have him close to me. Tyler’s the best and always knows what to say.

“You’re beautiful,” his eyes travel from my eyes down my body. My face heats up. I miss that look of want and desire. I want to feel his hands all over my body and the pleasure I know he’ll bring. I’m scared to get to that level with him. What if I freak out and cry? What if it’s too much for me to handle?

Love means showing and expressing, and I can’t give him my body like before.

“I can’t believe how nice it is today.” I have to change the subject so I’m not thinking about sex. “So, how are you feeling?”

“Great. Because of you Bay. These last few days have been fun,” he touches my hand, “seeing you get out of your comfort zone is pretty damn good.”

The only thing I can do is smile. Everything is going well, minus a few arguments. I’m having a good time, and for once I’m not smiling or pretending I’m happy. Right now, I’m in this moment and it’s a good place to be.

“Want to head back and swim at my house?”

“Sure,” I answer, and take his hand, feeling the immediate spark he causes when our skin touches.

When we get back from the park, I rush inside and change into a swimsuit. Standing in front of the mirror, I hold in my breath and look at my reflection. This isn’t going to work. How do I only own bikinis and nothing else? I rummage through my drawers, hoping to find a one piece of something a little more conservative. Maybe I should text him and ask to come and watch a movie. Movies are safe because movies require wearing clothes. Or maybe we can go to the gym and workout. Working out requires clothes too.

Grabbing my phone, I text Mandy and hope she isn’t too drunk to give me some advice.

Mandy: Wear the damn bikini! You look ahhh mazing in almost anything. .Plus it’ll be funny to get him all hot and bothered

Me: You aren’t helping

Mandy: Yes I am. As your best friend I command you to wear a bikini, walk outside, stand up tall and proud and get your tan on. .Just pretend you’re with me in Cabo and we’re sipping on a fruity drink with a straw

Me: That sounds so good right now

Mandy: Shoulda came with us suckaaaaaaa now go! I see a hot boy with an eight pack so peace out sista!

I shake my head and gain the courage I need to walk outside and hang out with Tyler. I mean, my goodness, I can do this. I’ve seen him naked and he’s seen me. It’s not like I have anything to hide.

Grabbing a sun dress, I head downstairs, a little more cautious and when I’m out the door, I think about making up an excuse. It’s been a while since I’ve worn anything this revealing.

“I can do this,” I tell myself over and over again until I’m standing at the gate of his pool. Letting myself in, I grab a towel from the chair and lie down. Putting on my sunglasses, I grab the hem of my dress and hesitate. “Ugh screw it,” I mumble and pull the dress off. I’m not ashamed of my body. I just don’t like to feel practically naked, even if I trust Tyler.

Breathing in and out until I hear the gate, I open my eyes to see a very tan and sexy Tyler walking toward me. Sweet holy hell. No, I won’t drool over him. Oh, who am I kidding! He’s perfect with his tan, abs and what? A cut v line. The gym has been good to him. So very good. Damn him!

“Eyes up here Bay.” He laughs, taking a seat at the end of my chair. His hands find my feet and he massages them, making my body feel like jelly.

“Want to jump in?”

“Huh?” I have to pull myself together and not be mesmerized by his sexy as sin body. Tyler stops massaging and grabs my arms, pulling me forward. We’re face to face and I can smell his minty breath. “Lets. Swim.” I see his eyes wandering to my boobs. Mental note: must buy a one piece ASAP.

We jump in the pool at the same time and when I come up for air, I see him standing in front of me. His hands rest on my waist and my body tenses.

“I hate how scared you look,” he tells me, “why are you scared of me?”

“I’m not scared of you. It’s hard for me to be this close to anyone. It’s a big step for me to be out here with you. I’m trying, though. You have to give me some credit. We’re together. I’m going out with you and we spend the nights together. That should count for something.”

“I know you are.” He kisses my forehead, “I just hate that look in your eyes. You used to look at me with love and now it’s replaced with fear and hesitation. I wish you’d let yourself be happy.”

I swallow the lump in my throat and push away from him, swimming to a safe corner. It’s overwhelming being here with him, so close and no one else around. I know he won’t hurt me. I’m just scared of being this close to anyone. The way I used to look at him is still on my mind and that’ll never go away.

I’m leaving tomorrow and all I can think about is Bayleigh and being in her arms again. Pushing off my blanket, I rush out of my house and climb the tree to get to her room. Looking back, this tree has a lot of memories. At night, we used to sneak into each other’s rooms and in the morning climb out and back to our room.

All I want to do is talk to her and spend my last night here watching her sleep. A nervous feeling hits me. My stomach is in knots and I think about heading home. I’m not sure if this is a good idea. The word space and leave go through my head.

Opening her bedroom window, I climb in and stand before her. Everything I want is right here. She’s beautiful when she’s sleeping. Her face is peaceful and her long hair fans the pillows under her head. Kneeling down, I kiss her forehead and stare at her.

Getting the courage I need, I climb into bed with her and bring her to my body. “Let me stay,” I tell her.

“Stay,” her hushed voice tells me, “I’m glad you’re here.”

“This is where I want to be on my last night. I know we had a little fight today and I’m sorry for pushing all my emotions on you. I’m selfish and scared.”

“I know, me too. Our feelings are strong. I need you to understand, all I need is time.”

“I understand.” She clenches me tighter and I can finally breathe easier. Her gaze drifts to me and her eyes are my undoing. Those eyes that make me weak and hard in a matter of seconds. My eyes roam her face and stare at her plump lips. It’s taking everything in me to not feel her lips on mine. My heart thuds against my chest when I see her lips curve into a smile. I need to change the topic and say something, “Knock knock.”

“Ah, who’s there?”

“You.”

“You who?”

I throw my hands in the air and make her look at me. “Yooohoo big summer blowout.”

Immediately we laugh and she tells me I’m an idiot for telling her the joke. For a moment, she’s back to herself– carefree and full of laughter.

“You’re so corny. Plus Frozen is your favorite Disney movie. Not mine.”

“Na,” I reposition myself, “I like Beauty and the Beast. Even though he’s a monster, she finds a way to love him with her whole heart, which breaks the spell. And guess what?”

“What?” She heavily breathes as I lean in closer.

“I’ll break the spell one day.”

My lips brush over hers. It’s a simple kiss, but it ignites my body and I want more. I touch her face and press another kiss to her cheek, making my way to her lips.

“Tell me to stop.” She doesn’t say anything. Instead her eyes flutter and close and she’s leaning into me, begging for more. My hand slides along her shoulders to the nape of her neck, bringing her closer to me. Our lips connect again and when she opens her mouth, I slide my tongue in, feeling hers against mine. The taste and feel of her mouth is blowing up my insides. I can’t get enough of this moment. All I want to do is freeze time so we can stay like this. The breathy noise she’s making and the grip she has on my shirt, pulling me down to her. My body hovers over hers and the weight is on my forearm. God, I love this girl.

Groaning, I slide my hand down her body, resting on her hip. My lips leave hers and I kiss her cheek, shoulder and neck, tasting her body and savoring each moment. Her hand touches my chest and pulls off my shirt. Her lips kiss my chest and up my neck, back to my lips. I’m not sure what I’m doing or what she wants. I’m scared to talk and ruin this moment so I slide my hand under her shirt, cupping her breast, looking at the expression she makes. Her eyes close and she pushes her chest up towards me.

Her lips part as I massage her breast, moving to the other. She sits up and grips the hems of her shirt, lifting it off. Our bare chests connect and our lips meet again.

“I love you so much,” I tell her and grind my erection into her. “Fuck,” I groan when I feel her nails gripping my back. I’m so turned on and the heat from her is making me crazy.

I don’t know what to think right now. Honestly, I don’t care. This is what I’ve been waiting for and this is what I want. I kiss her again, hungry and fast, like a beast ready to take what’s his. My fingers entwine with hers as I take my other hand to her boxer shorts and pull them down, needing more. Tossing them on the floor, my hand rests back on her hips and I look to her for the okay. Her hazy eyes look into mine and that smirk comes back. Feeling her wetness on my fingers, I slide my fingers in and nearly explode. I control myself and curse in my head. I’m twenty fucking three years old, not fifteen anymore.

“Do you want me to keep going?”

“Please,” she tells me and I listen. Feeling her body relax underneath me, I play with her clit and massage her until she comes and the noise leaving her lips is killing me. The throb in my cock is screaming to be released and into her.

“I want you so bad,” I kiss her again, “so bad.”

I turn her over and kiss her back, my hands exploring her all over. The softness of her skin is against my hand and I kiss the path down her back.

“Stop,” she screams and pushes me away, “stop.”

“Bayleigh, I’m sorry,” I rush to tell her, “I’m sorry.” I get off her bed and hand her clothes. No. Please fucking no. My heart literally stops beating when I see the tears in her eyes. She’s covering herself up and shaking her head.

“I can’t do this with you. Don’t you see how fucked up I am?”

“Baby stop, you’re not fucked up. You’re perfect.”

“No!” She screams again and pushes me away. “I need you to leave right now.” She pulls the covers up and wipes her tears. “Tyler, leave!”

An ache forms in my chest and my muscles tighten. I want to stand here and fight with her, explain that what we did isn’t wrong and I don’t want to leave. A moment passes and she still has her eyes on me. The need to wipe away her tears grows and I’m about to walk toward her when she whispers for me to leave and go home.

“Please,” she tells me, “just go.”

My stomach sinks deep into a pit. “Talk to me, Bay.”

“Leave! Tyler, just fucking leave!”

Everything is screaming at me to stay and talk to her. When I look into her eyes, she’s not there. The wild and scared Bayleigh I remember is back and she’s not budging. I walk to the door and hang my head. Turning back, I look at her again and she’s not facing me.

“I’m sorry,” I say before walking out of her bedroom. Making my way down the hall I see her mom Carrie walking toward me. “Sorry I’m here so late,” I look down, not wanting to see the disappointment in her eyes.

“It’s okay,” she whispers, touching my arm. “What happened?” I shrug and see the sympathetic pity smile on her face. “Give her time, Tyler.”

Time . . . that’s all I hear when it comes to us. How long do we have to be apart for her to realize we’re meant to be together?

I haven’t slept since he left. I’m an idiot. When he turned me on my stomach, flashes of Tony came back and I had to make him leave. I wanted it so much and yet here I go, ruining it again. Pulling off the covers, I put on sweatpants and a tee shirt. I feel like shit for what I’ve done. There are no more tears to cry and my heart is breaking because I can’t stand the thought of him being close to me. I don’t want to face him today. I’ve been so stupid and I ruin everything. We’ve been good and last night should have been a good night. I’m a mess and I can’t expect him to be okay with this.

My eyes burn from the sob fest I attended. The look on his face when he got off my bed and walked to the door. I can’t stand to look at him when he’s looking like that. That broken look was on his face and I wanted it to be someone else, anyone else, not my Tyler. Now that look will be imprinted in my head and soon it’ll turn into disappointment, then pity and finally regret. He’ll let go and wonder why he wasted his time with someone fucked up like me.

And I couldn’t bring myself to do that, so I won’t say goodbye. I told him to leave last night and he did. We said everything we wanted to say to one another.

There’s a knock on my door and panic sets in. When the door opens, I see my mom walking in with a smile on her face. She sits down and pats my knee. “Go to him, sweetie.”

“I can’t Mom,” I tell her what happened last night and she listens. I love my mom. She’s been there for me since day one and doesn’t look at me with pity in her eyes. No, she looks at me like a woman who needs time to find her place in this world and to accept what’s happened. She looks at me with strength and she gives me the courage I need to go on with my life.

“Yes you can, Bayleigh. I didn’t raise a coward,” she winks and gets up. “Go.”

Getting the courage I need, I walk outside and watch him pack. He’s called me several times and I’ve ignored all his calls. I don’t want to watch him leave and tell me he loves me. I want us to work on our relationship and see him every day. Having him near me makes me feel better.

“Hi,” I whisper, walking to him, not able to look into his eyes because I know I’ll beg him to stay. Those blue eyes will plead with mine and I’ll cave. I’ll grab his suitcases and slam them on the ground, telling him he can’t leave. I’ll throw my arms around his neck and we’ll be okay. I’ll feel his lips on me and we’ll be together again.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I lie, “sorry about last night. Just,” I want to explain and I can’t. He doesn’t need to know that when he touched me I thought of my rapist, “it was a lot and I’m sorry.”

I watch Tyler put the last suitcase in the rental car and shut it. His back is facing me and neither of us is saying anything. I wish I were a writer so I could come up with something, anything, to make this better. The words are stuck in my throat, and instead of saying what I want to say, I wrap my arms around his waist and place my cheek against his back. Closing my eyes I whisper, “I know this is hard for you. I wish I could be better. But I think this will be good, Ty.”

“You can say whatever you want, Bay. I’m going to love you forever, with every breath I have, and we’ll be together again. You don’t scare me. What happened last night doesn’t scare me. If you let me in, I promise we’ll take it slow. Like I told you before, from now on I’ll go at your pace. No more pushing or giving you long drawn out explanations of my feelings. The ball’s in your court. Just remember, I’ll cross the oceans to see that smile again. You are it for me and one day you’ll see I’m the guy for you. I love you forever.”

I wipe the tears on his shirt because I’m so afraid to let go. We’ve been spending time together over the past few days and it’s been nice. Having Tyler around means no nightmares or being scared. He’s my safe place. I see the tears in his eyes. I hate this. I hate saying goodbye to him again.

“Thank you for understanding and giving me what I need. You have to understand that last night was incredible and I don’t regret it at all.” The look on his face is a punch to my stomach. His eyes are telling me another story. He doesn’t want this and he doesn’t want to understand. It’s the best and only way for us to be better, as individuals and as a couple. “I am going to love you until I take my final breath, Ty.” Touching his heart with my hand, he places his hand on top of mine. “I wish I could be the girl for you.”

“You are the girl for me.”

I cry and soon I’m back in his arms, smelling his scent, and remembering the times we shared. I don’t want him to go. I know if I ask him to stay, he will.

“Do you promise to call me if you need me?”

“I promise.”

I rest my cheek against his chest, letting him rub my back up and down. I’m reeling inside from his touch. I want more. I want so much more. This is so hard to do. I want Tyler to change his mind and tell me he’s going to stay. God, I want to tell him how I feel and tell him I want him as mine again. He was supposed to be my forever, and then darkness won.

“I love you.” Before I know it, his soft lips are touching mine. There’s nothing rushed about this kiss and I don’t pull away. I wrap my arms around his neck and welcome him. It’s been so long since I the fire inside me. This kiss means the world to me. I know that sounds cliché, but I don’t give a shit. Nothing can take me away from this moment. It’s us. Just us.

We pull away from each other at the same time. He rests his forehead against mine and looks into my eyes. “I love you, too.”

I’m not sure how long we’re in this embrace, but soon he has to leave and I watch him open the driver door as he gets in. He closes the door and I step back, watching him reverse out of the driveway. He stops and looks at me one last time. Neither of us says anything, so he puts his head down and continues to reverse his car out of the driveway. I watch him leave and wave before his car disappears. My phone vibrates and I reach into my shorts to get it.

Ty: No matter what, I’m going to love you forever. There’s no one else and I hope you know that. You are my home and the one place I want to forever be. I’ll do what you want, but you will not push me away. I promise I’ll be back.

Me: <3

Ty: That kiss meant the world to me and I’ll cherish it forever.

Me: Have a safe flight. I’ll see you soon

That’s all I’m able to text back before rushing back into my house, back to my room and crying tears I’ve been holding in. It hurts watching him drive away and it hurts knowing he won’t move on. I don’t know what I need to do, but something is going to happen and I will make Tyler move on. I know I won’t ever be okay. I go back to my room, locking myself inside, and cry myself to sleep.

I open the door and see Tyler coming out of his car. He has a smile on his face and I’m so excited to see him. Before I make it off my porch, I see a beautiful girl with long brown hair and a perfect body. She touches Tyler’s cheek and I see him laughing. Who the hell is this girl and why is she touching Tyler?

I’m frozen.

Soon, Tyler makes his way over to me. I look and see the girl smiling and waving. I lift my hand and wave, but I don’t smile.

“Hey Bay!” he says, and gives me a quick hug. “Come meet Angie. She’s my girlfriend.”

Sweat surrounds my body. I’m submerged in my own tears and I have to catch my breath. I look around and realize it was a bad dream and it’s still Sunday. Time didn’t speed and Tyler just left. I’m okay. I grab my phone and scroll through my pictures until I find one of me and Tyler taken a few days ago. He’s holding me from behind and I’m taking the picture of us. We’re both smiling and I’m staring into his deep blue eyes. I can get lost in them. Looking into his eyes is like looking at the ocean. There’s freedom and spirit. Each crash shows his vulnerable side and the currents remind me of his strength. His eyes always seem to know how to make me feel better and it’s because of his love that I push myself to be okay.

My phone vibrates and it’s a text from Mandy.

Mandy: Hey! So I’m going to be back soon! I’m telling you we need a girl’s trip to CABO SAN LUCAS BABY! I’m meeting the HOTTEST guys with the HOTTEST bodies. Seriously, I think I became pregnant like ten times. Legit girl, you’re coming next time! I seriously cannot wait to see you. .I miss you girl! How are you?

Me: Hardly breathing . . . Ty left today and I had to say goodbye . . . He kissed me though

Mandy: Say what? Are you two back together?

Me: No =( We said I love you though and we’ve been spending time together. So there’s that . . . I hate that I’m stringing him along . . .

Mandy: Oh friend . . . You know he would go anywhere for you . . . No worries . . . I know it’s hard to see, but you two are going to get back together <3

Me: One can hope . . .

Mandy: So listen, when I come home you and me are gonna spend a lot of time together! Be ready okay?

Me: Sure =)

Mandy: I miss you Bayleigh and I know everything will be okay

Me: Yeah . . .

Right now, I need her more than ever.